I ain't *hicc* drunk!
Ah yes, Ponyville. Such an idyllic, peaceful place. The birds are singing, bees are sexually harassing flowers and ponies go about their day. Truly, there couldn’t be a more perfect, more friendly place in Equestria.
But wait! What is that, up in the sky! Is it a plane? Oh wait, no, planes haven’t been invented yet. Uh...
Look up in the sky! It’s a dragon! It’s a bird! No! It’s...a drunk, cyan coated, rainbow-maned pegasus flying zig zag between the clouds.
Let’s have a closer look at this truly fascinating creature, shall we?
An uncontrolled giggle escaped Rainbow Dash’s mouth everytime she hit a cloud in her way, if she hadn’t managed to avoid them, which she usually didn’t. Whenever the tipsy pegasus was not busy smashing into clouds, she was talking to herself out loud, although she only gave out gibberish most of the time.
“I showd her, hehe,” Dash mumbled to herself, accompanied with her usual drunk laughter. “She thought I-” A hicc briefly interrupted her, “thought I couldn’t drank de last cider.”
Unnoticed by the mare, she was being watched; and pursued.
“Hehehe~” she giggled again, crashing through yet another snow-white cloud in her path. “Heh, suck it, Applejack...”
“Hold it, Ma’am!” A feminine voice called out in Dash’s rear. The drunken mare had more important things to worry about than some strange little voice.
“Wow, Applejack; such a funny-” Yet another hicc interrupted her, “funny name. Applejack. Applejack. Appledack. Applegack. Applerack. Apple-”
“I said, hold it!” The voice shouted loudly. Dash was stopped in her tracks as she undeliberately crashed into a pony in front of her (not that she could see further than a few metres anyway).
The confused, drunk pony shook her head, looking at the pony in front of her and rubbing her eyes, barely even able to identify who - or what - stood there in front of her. To her demise, it wasn’t quite a friend of hers. In fact, it was a police pony.
“Rainbow Dash...” the mare said, crossing her hooves as she looked at the referred pegasus with a guilt-inducing stare. “I see you’re still keeping the cider close.”
Now Dash knew who it was! She recognised, remembered that voice! Or...so she thought. “Fleetfoot! Aw man, you silly mare, you.” Dash said with yet another giggle. “Aren’t ye suppsed te be on vacations?”
The officer remained silent for a brief moment, putting down a note or two on a small notebook she now held in her hooves. “Dash. This isn’t Fleetfoot.”
“Of course it ain’t, silly,” Dash replied jokingly, “and I ain’t Rainbow Dash either. From now on you shall refer to me as Queen Rainbow Dashington the First, the Great, the Fast, the Drunk!”
The police mare facehoofed. Hard. “Rainbow Dash, this is the police, not your friend Fleetfoot. It’s Stormy Breeze, we’ve met before.”
“Woah!” The rainbow-maned pegasus exclaimed in awe. “You’re both the police and not Fleetfoot and Swirmy Deeze!?”
“Stormy Breeze, Ma’am,” she replied, containing her temper. “It’s ‘Stormy Breeze’, not ‘Swirmy Deeze’.”
“Exactly, that’s what I said.” Rainbow replied innocently, “Squirmy Meeze.”
“Dash, I-” Stormy once again contained her anger, “Whatever. I’m not here to chat with you, anyways. I stopped you because you have quite obviously been drinking and-”
“Woahwoahwoahwoahwoahwoah-”Dash interrupted her.
“Are you done?”
“One second,” Dash said, taking a deep breath before continuing,”woahwoahwoahwoahwoahwoahwoah! I ain’t drunk!”
“Dash, I’ve been meeting you around here every friday at this exact time. Drunk. Every single time you are drunk.”
“So you’re gonna take me in for having fun, officer Squirmy?”
“Dash, you’re quite obviously drunk.”
“I ain’t drunk!” Dash insisted.
“I won’t-”
“I ain’t drunk! You’re drunk! Your dog is drunk! Your mum was an alcoholic and your dad hides bottles of cider in the toilet!” Dash lashed out.
Stormy Breeze stared at her with an empty, shocked stare, still keeping her notebook out, keeping record. “Well,” Stormy said, “while half of those accusations are correct, it doesn’t change anything about you being drunk.”
“I’m not druuuuuuunk!” Dash cried out, struggling and punching the air with her hooves as if she were a 5 year-old.
“Dash, for Celestia’s sake, calm down!” the uniformed mare said, attempting to calm and speak to Rainbow Dash.
“You’re a meanie! A big, fat, unfair meanie!” Dash shouted, turning away from the officer.
“Dash, I-”
“You always preferred John over me! You always loved him more than me!”
Once again, Stormy was clueless as to what the hell she was even hearing. “Dash, what are you even-” she interrupted her chain of thought, realising she shouldn’t be arguing with a drunkard at all. “Rainbow Dash, I’m gonna have to take you into custody for the rest of the night. I’m sorry.”
“Oh yeeeaaah.~” Rainbow said charmingly, turning back to Stormy and approaching her. “Take me in, girl.~”
Stormy flapped her wings, creating some safe space between her and Dash who was now creeping her out more than simply annoying her.
“Take me in and put me into one of those dirty, cold cells of yours.~” Dash said to Stormy, continuing to appraoch her. “We’ll play Good Cop, Bad Cop and-”
Dash’s seduction was cut short as Stormy slapped her on both the left and right cheek.
“You have... quite a few problems, Dash.” Stormy Breeze watched as the pegasus in front of her recovered from both her slapping and her ‘uncontrolled lewdness’.
“Top o’ the Mornin’ to ya, lads!” Dash exclaimed out of a sudden. She was once again slapped twice by the Stormy.
“Let’s get riiiiiiiiiiight into the n-” Stormy went ahead and slapped Dash as hard as she could, six times, before the mare could even finish her sentence. I guess she didn’t get right into the news, huh.
“We are Number One!” Dash exclaimed in a singing voice.
“Dash! What the hay has gotten into you!?”
“I dunno, Squirmy. I think I’m just a bit drunk or sumthin.”
“Ah hah, so you do admit being drunk then?” Stormy asked, making a note on her notebook.
“Yes, you do admit being drunk, Squirmy. I’m gonna have to arrest you now.”
“Quit it, Dash.” Stormy was clearly tired of all the mare’s shenanigans by now.
“Ye know, I-” She hiccuped, unable to speak for a second or two, “I never noticed how much things we had in common, man...” Dash almost fell asleep towards the end of her sentence.
“Dash, you know I’m a mare. Quit it.”
“Wow! We really do have a ton of things in common, Squirmy...” Dash replied, her eyes visibly narrowing.
“Do I need to slap you again?” Stormy asked readying her right hoof to slap her once more.
“I...” Dash began, before her eyes closed for a short moment. “Nah. Nah, no need,” she said after about five or six seconds, “I’m gonna pass out now anyways.”
Stormy watched as the mare in front of her stopped flapping her wings, beginning to drop out of of the sky.
“Goodnight, everypony.~” Dash said quietly, closing her eyes.
“Dash!” Applejack shouted, “Rainbow Dash! Wake up!”
The Pegasus moaned. Her head ached, and it felt as if somebody had stomped on her skull repeatedly for 24 hours.
Nevertheless, the pegasus managed to open her sleepy, exhausted eyes, spotting none other than her friend Applejack. Now Rainbow Dash had to figure out why she was in a prison cell and why Applejack was staring her down with an unhappy frown. Actually...the latter may or may not have to do with the first one.
“Rainbow Dash, what did you do!?” Applejack asked furiously.
“Uuuuuuh...” Was all the pegasus could offer her friend at the time, her mind was clouded and her head hurt.
“Shenanigans.” Stormy Breeze entered Rainbow Dash’s cell, positioning herself next to Applejack. “Just what I’m used to, really. Though usually she breaks no more than 5 laws.”
Both Dash and Applejack looked over to her.
“What’d ya mean, officer?” the farm pony asked.
“First of all, she was deliberately and carelessly busting clouds on her flight. Second, she was obviously hella drunk. Third, she offended an officer of the law. Fourth, she hurt my feelings. Fifth-”
“Wait, that isn’t an offen-”
“Fifth,” Stormy continued, interrupting Applejack, “she sexually harassed me. Sixth, she memed in public. Seventh, she used dead memes in public, threatening to upset the balance of the meme economy. And, last but not least, eighth: She dropped out of the fricking sky and almost fell to her death, were it not for me catching her.”
Rainbow Dash slowly lifted a hoof and pointed it into the air. “Drunk or not,” she said, taking a deep breath, “I regret nothing!”
Author's Note
I’m sorry.
