Chapters I Found My Laptop! Now I Can Write ¢r@pp¥ Stories On It Again Instead of Packing for BronyCon!
Only the Read Know Peavcwrfwea r gtr &&&&
Only the Read Know Peavcwrfwea r gtr &&&&
Boom! Another shell exploded. However, it, like the twelve shells before it, did not explode the castle. Nay, rather it exploded against one of Twilight Sparkles many powerful enchantments, sigils, runes, spells, etc. that guarded the castle. Basically, she had a fucking big ass invisible forcefield around it. Shining armor wouldn't did do jack shit compared to her. Tirek wouldn't have scratched it. Pretty fucking bad ass, huh? Like the walls of Constantinople.
"Fuck my titties!" yelled Celestia corsely. She would have to take more direct action. She called up 1488 members of the royal guard, because she was also secretly a Neo Nazi. Fucking Nazis, I swear. But for her of all ponies? I did NAZI SEE THAT COMING JAJAJA! Okay sorry.
So yeah, she sent almost fifteen hundred of her best soldiers to kill Sweetie Bot. Will they succeed? Find out next chapter!
Author's Note
From Wikipedia:
Ames made a suggestion for the Union troops to entrench in their current positions. Upon hearing this notion, a frenzied Curtis grabbed a spade and threw it over Confederate trenches and shouted, "Dig Johnnies, for I'm coming for you.
How fucking badass is that? Throwing a shovel at your enemies and telling them to entrench because you're about to whoop their asses.
I Found My Laptop! Now I Can Write ¢r@pp¥ Stories On It Again Instead of Packing for BronyCon!
SPACE TRUCKIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It turns out that Celestia hates Sweetie Bot because Sweetie Bot represents the future of robotization. Part of what keeps Equestrian society running smoothly is the high employment rate. It turns out the reason Equestria has such a mishmash of technological progress is that Celestia tries to limit the proliferation of technology that will cause unemployment. She's a luddite, and Sweetie Bot represents technology that will ruin her utopian vision. But she is wrong, because:
Author's Note
I Found My Laptop! Now I Can Write ¢r@pp¥ Stories On It Again Instead of Packing for BronyCon!
If workers owned the means of production, then automization would lead to greater leasure, not greature hardship. But Celestia is a reactionary who likes her quaint feudal society. Inasmuch she opposes technology like Sweetie Bot. Will Rarity be able to defeat her assassins?
Author's Note
I Found My Laptop! Now I Can Write ¢r@pp¥ Stories On It Again Instead of Packing for BronyCon!
Rarity would not stand for these murderous attacks on her sister. She teleported out of the castle with a machete and started hacking away at the soldiers. Just like how Samson killed a thousand men with a donkey's jawbone , so did Rarity go on the fiercest of rampages, slicing off soldiers' heads, legs, elbows, hooves, breasts, and penises. I can say penis since this is rated teen, and the word appears in a non-sexual context, although if we're going to get Freudian, perhaps this castration represents a release of anger at her dad by Rarity? At any rate, it was a fucking massacre. Scores of ponies sent to their death by Celestia for her mad reactionary cause. A real shame. But after twenty minutes, it was all over. Rarity had defeated the assassins. Sweetie Bot was safe.
Author's Note
It looked something like this, but waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay worse:
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I Found My Laptop! Now I Can Write ¢r@pp¥ Stories On It Again Instead of Packing for BronyCon!
Only the Dead Know Piece From This Crazyness
Boom! A huge explosion tore a giant whole in Ponyville School house. Five fillies and three colts died on the spot, and seven more would later perish from their injuries. Fortunately for Sweetie Bot, Rarity pulled the robotic cutie mark crusader through the window with her telekinesis just before the huge concussive blast melted foals' eyebrows and shredded their skin and yanked their legs from their bodies and the roof collapses and pinned them down in the rubble where they died of internal injuries in extreme pain. Jesus, it's almost like I'm going for a gore tag here. Oh wait I am. One little filly ran out screaming with a piece of her skull missing. And a colt with a collapsed lung coughed up blood and prayed to Pony God to just make the pain stop. Then a large brick fell and bashed his head in, but not before that prayer reached out toward Canterlot.
Pony God, Celestia, heard the prayer. And she laughed a loud laugh. "Bwahaha, that is what you get for being in the same class as the evil SWEETIE BOT! DIE FOOLS, DIE! She loaded another shell into her personal party cannon and adjusted the sights. Through her nice telescope that Luna had gotten her for Christmas (very nice gift, Luna!), Celestia saw the Rarity was taking the bawling, scared Sweetie Bot to the Castle of Friendship or whatever the fuck Twilight's castle was called, and adjusted the cannon's arc. Unfortunately, she didn't have the auto-aiming turret yet, since it was quite expensive and she had spent most of her discretionary budget for the year on cake. So she would have to use her old school calculous knowledge to make sure she destroyed it. Sweetie Bot must DIE!
Author's Note
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I Found My Laptop! Now I Can Write ¢r@pp¥ Stories On It Again Instead of Packing for BronyCon!
It's One-Two-Three-What are Wee Fiiightiiiing Fooooor?? WER ?WER WER? WER? WER ?#@
It's One-Two-Three-What are Wee Fiiightiiiing Fooooor?? WER ?WER WER? WER? WER ?#@
The army of pony assassins decended up the castle. Rarity huddled in the basement with her adopted sister, Sweetie Bot, who was crying. Rarity was mad. Why was this happening, they all wondered? In a small house on the outskirts of Ponyville, Super Trampoline was listening to War Pigs on his phonograph. It' a pretty metal song, released in 4058, PC. That's year 4058, Princess Celestia: a measurement of how old Celestia is. For reference sake, 4000 years ago in human time there were some pharaohs in Egypt.
Twilight teleported down to her concrete-enforced basement. "Rarity, the situation is bad. There's a bunch of bad mother fuckers on my doorstep, and they want the bot."
Why did Celestia hate robots so much? find out in the next chapter of this exciting series!
Author's Note
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I Found My Laptop! Now I Can Write ¢r@pp¥ Stories On It Again Instead of Packing for BronyCon!
Quibble Pants Makes OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Quibble Pants suddenly appeared. "Wow, Rainbow Dash won't sleep with me, but Rarity, you're pretty hot yourself! You want to make out?
"Sure!" Said Rarity, who was quite aroused by all this blood and death. She was after all also a serial Killer, according to Brony Writer. I'd personally take that with a grain of salt myself. Anyway, Rarity and Quibble's tongues met and intertwined in sweet sweet ecstasy. It was all very slobbery.
"Hey, can I join please?" asked Night Light, who was having a very bad day.
"Shhthrr!" replied the two lovers swapping saliva. That was "Sure," but it was kind of hard to hear them with them sucking face.
Night Light stuck his own tongue into the frenzy for some sweet three-way tongue action.
So why, Rarity asked telepathically, since they couldn't really talk and their tongues were all touching and when your tongue is touching another person's you can communicate with them, are you joining us today?
Because my wife, Twilight Velvet, you know, Twilight's mother...
We know who she is, the other two telepathed in unison.
Right, well, it turns out she's having an affair with Celestia, and that just doesn't sit right with me.
Oh Darling, that's hella rough, Rarity responded, while inching her hoof lower down Night Light's barrel towards Night Light's flashlight. I'd be sad too if my wife cheated on me with a gay Nazi. Let's cheer you up. I know just the pony to give this story a happy ending.
And then Flitter appeared and made it a four way tongue tug-of-war, but when Flitter licks ponies they fall asleep , so that didn't last too long.
Author's Note
It' not often that my own stories make me laugh, but
Night Light stuck his own tongue into the frenzy for some sweet three-way tongue action.
did.