Sunny Breeze turned on his TV. He was plastered and just simply wanted to be able to vegetate mindlessly while the ethanol passed through his system .
He expected to see a pony. Instead, he saw something that looked either like a tangerine or an ape. He recognized it as being one of those human things. For some reason, it had a plastic mass of yellow strings on its head and a skin tone more commonly associated with citrus fruits.
The stallion was about to switch channels rather than be forced to endure a god awful schlock commercial. That was, however, before the bipedal tangerine thing with the bakelite hair began talking.
"Hi, my name is Covfefe, and I approve this message."
"Do you ever feel like that Equestria is just no longer as great as it was in the past? Do zebras and threstrals make you uncomfortable? Do you wish you could just walk up to a mare and grab her? Do you ever look at our country and wish we had a giant wall? Do you wish that Princess Celesta would say things herself more often instead of filtering every single statement of hers through advisors and public relations ponies who then feed it to fake news to then tell all of us? Do you ever look at Equestria or a situation and just think- sad! ?"
"Don't worry, believe me, we will make Equestria great again. That's right, Covfefe is going to solve all of your problems. Nobody solves problems like me; I am the best at problem solving. I know problems, I've been around problems, I know the best problem ponies; they're great."
"The first thing we're gonna do is fix our immigrant problem. The zebras are the problem. They steal. They rape. They murder. When they come to Equestria, they're not coming with their best. They're bringing drugs, they're bringing crime. Sad. I know what we're gonna do, believe me, what we're gonna do is build a wall, right on the border, and we're gonna make Zebricy pay for it. Nobody builds walls like me, believe me. And we're gonna take all the Zebricans, and we'll kick em out, kick em all out. Equestria is for Equestrians, and they are not Equestrians."
"And about mares, nopony handles mares like me. I'm the best with mares. Mares these days are upstart, because so many stallions these days just aren't stallions. Mares crave two things. Don't let them tell you different, Anypony telling you different is fake news. They all crave money and daddy. I'm money and daddy to my daughter, Covfefa, and that's why she loves me so much. And by the way, she's really really hot, like so hot that if she wasn't my daughter, I'd be dating her; I'm attracted to beautiful mares, and she is a beautiful mare. Believe me. Beautiful mares love me and I know the secret of making them love me. You gotta be like superstar daddy to them. You can do anything if you're a star, if they see you as daddy. And if they're playing hard to get, you can grab em by the pussy."
"Now, we're going to need allies, and I know just the pony, I mean griffin. Gladimir Gutin is an awesome dude. There are some bad dudes, but trust me, Gutin is not a bad dude. He is a fine and respected leader, his people love him, but not as much as my people love me. I know. Griffiya is a proud country with a lot of tremendousness and a lot of winning. I'm a family values stallion, so much, I know, I get new wives to make new family to make more values, just like a business. Just ask my third wife, Neighlania. She understands all about the business of love and family. Believe me, she does understand that kind of business real good."
"We are gonna- I'm gonna bring jobs back. Jobs on the rock farm, jobs for hard working ponies. Jobs on the rock farm. We are gonna have jobs again, believe me. We are gonna blow Jobs through the roof, and believe me, I know all about blowing jobs. I'm a business man, it's what I do- nobody gets business like me. Just ask all my ponies, they'll tell you the same, believe me. We have shipped way too many jobs to Yakyakistan, people. I'm gonna bring jobs back. We're gonna bring back Equestrian jobs to Equestria, believe me."
"I, Covfefe, tell you that are not winning anymore, we're losers- sad! But don't worry, I'm going to make us win again. The rest of the world is laughing at us, but believe me, things are gonna change. Anypony says different- fake news. We are going to win again. There is going to be so much winning you gonna get tired of it. So much winning, believe me."
"I'm an honest guy, believe me. You can trust me, believe me. I'm not a princess, I'm only a czar of my own businesses. I'm not a politician. I'm not like those political princesses who never say what they mean. I always say all what I mean all the time. I address you pones directly and not hide behind communications directors, and press secretaries, and doctored PR like that. I'm an honest guy and you're just simple ponies, believe me, and I like simple ponies. I'm so honest if you ever think I lied, don't, it's fake news- sad. You can call me Fake News Covfefe. Believe me."
"Believe me, we are gonna win, and I, Make Equestria Great Again- MEGA Covfefe, going to make Equestria great again. Would you like to see Equestria rule again, my friends? Equestria rules, OK. We are gonna win until you get sick of all our winning. We need a change, because things right now, believe me- sad!"
The commercial ended. The man will the Bakelite hair and the tangerine skin smiled and waved as the picture and music faded away.
Sunny Breeze turned off the TV. He reached for more vodka, but overstretched in his wasted state and fell to the floor, feeling as if he had lost extra neurons this time. He thought, 'Whatever he's drinking, I want it.'
Author's Note
Sorry, but I couldn't resist.
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