Super Gypsy Lord Admiral Nyronus Shachza Shouldn't Write Shipfics, Volume II

by Admiral Biscuit

Rating: teen
Tags: Romance, Trixie, Spike, Comedy, King Sombra, Random, Equestria Girls, Derpy Hooves, Sex, Flash Sentry
Length: 1210

Equestria, where the friendship is magic and the romance is probably also even more magical. Well, usually. Sometimes, not so much.

Once upon a time in a universe far, far away, two or three or five or some nonzero quantity of magic diminutive horses came together and fell in love and then unfortunately produced offspring who chronicled the way in which their parents met.

These are their stories.

Trigger warnings: A Bronycon Collaborative fiction between Admiral Biscuit, TheGypsyBard, Lord Legion, Nyronus, Shachza, andSuper Trampoline. We're not sorry.

Published 2017-08-18 23:30:06 UTC
Last updated 2017-08-18 23:30:06 UTC

Waifu Thief Flash Sentry and Private Eye Twilight Sparkle Meet for Coffee. Coffee Intensifies.

It was a dark and stormy night in Manehattan. The rain was coming down in buckets an the darkness hung over the city like a wet blanket.

Private Eye Twilight Sparkle was hot on the eye of her quarry, a thief named Flash. She was currently crouched in a doorway, watching him from the cover of the shadowed darkness. Unfortunately, it wasn't any drier in there, so the pulled her trenchcoat a little bit tighter around her slender frame, in a useless attempt to keep herself a little bit dry.

“At least my fedora keeps my mane kind of dry,” she thought.

She slipped a bottle out of her coat pocket and took a sip, letting the fiery liquid burn down her through.

It wasn't enough. Seconds later, she was shivering again. From the cold, from the loneliness, or maybe from both.

“Screw it,” she said to the darkness. No stakeout was worth this.

She boldly strode down the darkened street to the Starbucks and kicked the door open.

Flash saw her—of course he saw her. He was sitting facing the door, and as she dragged her sorry, soggy carcass into the warm confines of the coffee joint, she saw him widen his stance, saw him ready himself for a fight.

He wouldn't start it, though. He was a proper gentlestallion.

Private Eye Twilight Sparkle shook her head and dropped into the seat across form him. She slid his cup—half full of Caribou Coffee—over to her side and took a long pull before setting it back down.

“I'm not gonna bust you—not tonight,” she said. “So relax.”

“Then let me order the next round,” Flash offered.

One round became two, then three, then four . . . and the night ended in Flash's hotel room.

What happened then would never go in PI Twi's report.

Berry Punch and Derpy Hooves are Shmoopy Boos.

“Oh, Berry,” Derpy, mismatched eyes flashing pink as she nuzzled Berry. “You’re my schmoopiest doopiest boos!”

“Wonderful, wonderful, dear!” Berry purred.

“I love you soo-wow-much!” Derpy said, draping herself all over Berry.

“I know you do, I know you do.” Berry grinned, and tossed back another shot.

“I would move the stars for you.”

“Thank you.”

“I would move the sun for you!”

“Oh, I am flattered.”

“I would depose Celestia and Luna for you and bring about eternal twilight dooming all Equestria to a slow death just to prove that I would go to any lengths to express the deeply unhealthy and all consuming feeling of love I haven’t been able to stop feeling since we started drinking!” Derpy pumped her hoof into the air, knocking Berry’s shotglass out of her hand and sending it flying across the room to shatter on wall.

Berry blinked, shrugged, snatched the Jack Daniels off the table, and took a shot straight from the neck.

“Ah,” She sighed and leaned back as the whisky went down. “You should have been a poet, Derpy!”

“Thank you!” Derpy giggled.

“Ahhh,” Berry leaned back as Derpy wrapped around her like a chemically co-dependent snake. “I am so glad I talked to those girls.”

“About what my Berry-Warry---Whoops!” Then there went the whisky.

Berry sighed.

“It’s alright dear. Could you go fetch the stout, Derpy?”

“Sure thing, Berry! I can’t help myself but want to make you happy right now!”

“And I’m glad for it.”

Berry closed her eyes as her new lover flew off to fetch some more celebratory booze and smiled as she thought about her life. Unfortunately for her all her life was at the moment was that of a sad, broken shell of a pony forced to use an illegal love poison to enslave a pony against their will to be her love servant so she wouldn’t have the face the fact that without some kind of fawning lover she would be even more keenly aware that after driving away everyone who sincerely cared about her her current psychic existence was nothing more than an empty performance as she circled the yawning cosmic drain that is self-inflicted oblivion.

She sighed. Thankfully she had alcohol and co-dependence to help with that.

King Sombra, Resurrected. Mrs. Cake. Slap, Slap, Kiss.

It was a day. This particular day was less than ideal. This was likely due to the large amount of ponies held in chains, each of them held together by thick links that brooked no argument as to their ability to escape. Thankfully, none the unicorns had the displeasure of losing their horns in violent accidents that resulted in less-than-accident screams and the loss of horns.

So Sombra is back. Oh, and he currently invades a random pony's abode that garnered his interest merely based on appearance. This pony shall not be named, so we'll use the code name Icing.

Well, Sombra decided that Icing was going to be his new mare of choice for the next paragraph while he acclimated himself to the rage-induced anger of figuring out why she dared look at the supreme re-animated overlord of all creatures in Equestria. It certainly shouldn't be happening while she was chained up at his hooves like the proper slut she was wanting to be. Neither was there anything coming about how he looked, having a regal yet terrifying presence based solely on his looks alone. Whatever could make this mare laugh in the face of such adversity?

Oh. Compensation. Right.

Well, at least a couple beatings would cure the mare of her rude mannerisms before he changed her mind with a close examination.

The Great and Powerful Tristan had Spikemare at "Neigh"

Nightmare Spike was walking down the street in Ponyville. When he passed between two buildings, he heard someone from within the alley who grabbed his attention by throwing a pebble at his head.

"Hey there, wanna see some magic tricks?" the mysterious pony asked.

"I don't have very much time for something like that," Nightmare Spike said hastily.

"Oh, come on, surely you could spare a moment for the Great and Powerful Tristan," Tristan said as he emerged from the alley.

"Very well, if you truly must, then I can spare a moment..." Then under his breath, he added, "Vagrant."

Tristan then proceeded to show Nightmare Spike various magical tricks averaging from the mundane that proved boring at best to interesting ones that showed images of different worlds through a small mirror. Nightmare Spike was only impressed when he was able to reach his claw through the mirror and grope a woman's breast without being noticed.

"Okay, maybe you aren't such a useless treadfill after all. Your horn would make a good paperweight and your pelt a nice throw rug."

Hearing this, Tristan became slight nervous and stuttered "Well, that's not all. I am not really a stallion but actually a mare. A gender spell I was testing went wrong."

"What were you dong a foolhardy thing like that for?" Spike asked, crossing his arms.

"Why to check out the stallions. . . the spell will wear off soon enough."

"Well in that case, you will soon make a nice pin cushion." Spike said with a grin on his face.