What it's like to be depressed.
My name is Nightowl, I'm a 17 year old stallion and deal with depression...trust me, its something that you never want to deal with. I'm not gonna share the beginning of my life but I will sum it up, it was normal...at first, I was just like every other colt, I had friends I was safe at home and on my own in my neighborhood. I was seen as the colt that was always out to help anyone who needed it, but then that changed when I was maybe eight or nine all my friends started to move away and I had no one to play with. It was when I was in eighth grade I was starting to sink...but then out of nowhere there was this one mare that seemed to shine bright in the darkness that I saw. She was beautiful and it was something about her that made me float again...something about her mad me want to get to know her, but I was too shy too. Then one day she spoke to me, I don't remember what it was but I'm happy she said it because it started the best friendship in my life.
We were always around each other and were always talking, when we were together there was only us, we wouldn't notice the people around us trying to get our attention because we had each others attention. It took me a little while to realize...I loved her, but the problem was, what if she didn't feel the same way. It had been a while since I last even cared for someone, and then all of a sudden her was a beautiful mare that I had feelings for. I struggled with this thought for a while because every now and again she would hold me, hug me, and wrap around my arms. I was really hoping that she was doing this because she liked me too.
It was a few months after she spoke to me I finally gained the strength to ask her out but to my dismay she asked me first, it was a dream come true that caught me off guard and at first I thought it was another dream...but for once it wasn't...and I was happy again. Whenever I was with her she made me happy no matter what we were doing or where we were I was happy because I was with her. She was the only one who really cared to get to know me, she saw past all my flaws and knew that I needed her and she was happy to be there for me. She was the one that i wished to spend my life with till the end. I was willing to give my life for her, she was my life at that point. After learning that she hadn't had a first kiss it was my mission to be that first...and she would be my first too.
It was 4 weeks after we started dating that I finally kissed her, and it was amazing...it took all my strength to not giggle like a baby. After we kissed she went home and so did I, so many thoughts were running through my mind but all of them were of her. It was the next day and as always we were together again but something was odd...she wasn't as joyful as she normally was so i was worried about her. After the day was over we hugged and she was off to home again, but this time was different...after getting home I got on my computer and was playing a game when I got a message from her...one that I wish I had never gotten, she didn't want to be together anymore, she was stressed and she was upset so often that she hated it. After reading the message I didn't know what to do...the only thing i could do was cry, and I cried for hours...I had just lost the one that meant the most to me.
As I dreamt Luna came to visit me and told me that I was still on a path to happiness, but honestly I couldn't see how. As I was dreaming I began to notice all the dream bubbles around me.....they all were of ponies of the night. As I watched the surrounding dream bubbles filled with bat ponies and I realized some ponies enjoy being alone. Maybe I was one of those ponies, but how could I be if all I want is someone to be alone WITH. How can you be alone when you have someone with you, I have asked myself this question over and over. As I was looking around at the dream bubbles everything started to turn white and I knew I was waking up.
As i woke up reality hit me, It was the next day after losing the only mare that i loved...and again i cried. After getting to school she walked over and tried to talk to me, but being so hurt I just walked away to find a place I could be alone again. For the rest of the day I stayed in a room alone and worked...I worked to keep my mind from going over the memories. That's when the time came, the end of the day and time to go home, I was the first out of the door. I went straight home where I went to bed without eating or logging onto my computer...I did this for the next three days. On the forth day I got home and laid down in bed, but I was stopped from sleeping through too the next day by hunger pain...it had been five days since i had last eaten. I finally ate but it was only a bowl of cereal, it was the only thing that i could eat.
A week later I finally went back to classes with others...and she was in four of the seven classes I had. I sat in the corner every class...she tried to talk to me but my only other friend wouldn't let her. I was back to the old me by that time, I didn't want to talk to or even be near anypony. My friend knew what I was going through with my depression because he was the same way. We shared our thoughts and we helped each other. I was in the most depressed state that I ever was, and I learned something...I had a split personality disorder. Something in my mind snapped from the pressure and I started hearing voices and i had thoughts that i couldn't control.
I don't remember when but I finally listened to the mare that broke my heart, she wouldn't stop apologizing. I don't fully remember what she had said but I finally spoke to her again...and i regret it for it started my heart up again. Once again I found myself in love with her...even after she ripped my heart out. We were back to our old ways but there was no touching between us, but we were talking again. Little did she know I was dying inside, I wanted to die...I wasn't going to kill myself but if there was a train coming...I don't know if I would move or not. I share a little more information with her everyday for the next two years. I'm now seventeen and I still lover her to death...I'm still depressed and I still want to spend my life with this mare, but honestly I don't know why. because to this day nopony can truly understand how depression affects a ponies life...because depression effects everypony differently, I personally don't think there will every truly be a cure for this disease...so I can only hope that everypony with depression can find SOMEWAY any way to make them happy.
Author's Note
This is a story about my life. It took a lot to share this...Its hard to share anything anymore so if your depressed too, just know, if i can share this...you can share even the smallest amount about your depression in the comments.
No one will ridicule you, and dont worry, all comments i find rude or harsh will be deleted, i want this story and its comments to be a place for the knoledge of what its like to be depressed.
I thank you all who have read and shared their thoughts.
