Age of Molestia

by Calmed Equine

Rating: teen
Tags: Derpy Hooves, Random, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Main 6, Comedy
Length: 2462

Princess Molestia decides to attack Ponyville. What could possibly go wrong?

The infamous Princess Molestia has attacked Ponyville using the magic of the Princesses and her main goal is to take over the whole equestrian nation. Only Twilight Sparkle, Spike and their friends are available to stop her. But, will they?
Warning: contains vulgar language, immature jokes and a ton of pop culture/brony/anime references.

Published 2017-08-17 01:50:12 UTC
Last updated 2017-08-17 01:50:12 UTC

The Only Chapter This Needs

"HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA! Squirm and despair, my new subjects!" Princess Molestia declared, laughing maniacally as she admired her work. The whole town had begun to burn below her. "Soon Ponyville will become my personal harem, whether you like it or not! Resistance is futile!"

"You haven't won yet, Molestia!" Twilight yelled, staying close to her friends while adopting a fighting stance, unfolding her alicorn wings, "You may have destroyed our home, but you'll never enslave us!"

"Oh, you silly, silly pony" The white, light grayish rose maned alicorn said proudly, "Do you really think you can defeat me? The victory is already mine! Your pathetic Elements of Harmony are too pure to handle my perversity!"

"She's not bluffing, Twilight!" Rainbow Dash moaned after cheking the quantity that had appeared on the screen of her scouter. "Her molest level is over 9 thousand! We're not going to make it!"

"Calm down, Rainbow Dash!" An angry, driven by adrenaline Pinkie Pie screamed, slapping her friend many times with her hoof. "This isn't over! We must kick that bitch's ass! You understand?!"

"Pinkie, what gives?" Rainbow shouted, finally taking distance from the pink pony to immediately check her cheeks, "Stop hitting me already! I'm not that scared!"

"Oki-Doki-Loki!" Pinkie Pie replied with her typical cheerfulness. "Sorry Dashie, it's just that I always get too excited during a boss battle!"

"Yeah, me too" Rainbow said, still touching her left cheek, "But slapping me over and over is not going to help me feel less preoccupied, you know!"

"Fluttershy!" Twilight said, turning back to her companion. "Quick! Use your secret weapon!"

"Um, are you sure about that, Twilight?" Fluttershy asked, doubtful. "I'm not sure if I'll be able to handle it".

"I'm not asking you!" Twilight screamed with all her might. "DO IT! NOW!"

"Oh" Fluttershy gasped, "Okay, I'll try".

The yellow, green eyed pegasus closed her eyes and raised her forehooves to the sky.

"My friends of the Everfree Forest" she announced. For some reason, her voice was now echoing, as if two ponies were talking at the same time. It sounded powerful, yet at the same time soft. "Please, lend me some of your energy!"

Suddenly, a blue aura began to form above Fluttershy´s forehooves. Her lefthooves started to tremble.

"Yer doin' great, sugarcube!" Applejack claimed, trying to encourage her, "You can do it!"

"I don't mean to sound impatient, darling" Rarity mumbled, looking at their enemy with fear, "But how long is that going to take you?"

"Just a few minutes guys" Fluttershy replied with her new voice.

"But we don't have much time!" Rarity cried out.

"Exactly" Twilight said. "It's an attack so powerful it needs a bunch of minutes to charge, so we'll have to make some time for Fluttershy. In fact, it's only a matter of seconds before Molestia..."

"WHAT?!" Molestia roared, clearly horrified. The earth trembled. "Impossible! It's the Genki-Furry-Dama! I can't let them finish it!"

"I guess they were miliseconds" Twilight sighed, slightly scared.

"Dang it!" Applejack yelled out, "It's too late! She already knows!"

"Applejack!" Twilight hurried to say. "We need you to distract her! Take her as far as possible from here while we wait for Fluttershy!"

"Ah'll do mah best, Twi!" The orange mare claimed while performing a long, high jump. "Pinkie, come with me! Ah'll need yer help!"

"Oooh, yeah!" Pinkie Pie said, doing the same thing. "Anime Battle time! Cousins style!"

It only took less than 3 seconds for the two mares to reach their winged opponet, who still had a creepy smile on her face.

"Ah'm sorry, ma'am" Applejack said sharply, "But ya crossed the line. We'll gonna have to stop you".

"HA, HA, HA!" Molestia laughed once more. "And what exactly do you think you can do against the Princess of Mating?"

"You'll find out Ah'm a mare full of surprises!" the farm pony shouted, as she quickly charged a tiny red aura with the shape of an apple with her forehoof and lauched it against Molestia, illuminating the whole sky with a huge beam, which splitted a mountain in two in its trayectory. "BIG BANG ATTAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!"

"And I have my own surprises too!" Pinkie announced happily, elevating her ki and adopting a new form. Her fluffy mane's colour went from brilliant raspberry to light yellow and her fur became white as chalk. Her eyes and the balloons in her cutie mark adquired a lavender tone and 2 pegasus-like wings sprouted out from her back. "Now this is where the real fun begins!"

"Pinkie!" Applejack yelled, still focusing on the blast and sweating, "Stop admiring yer fancy super form and give me a hoof
'ere! Ah won't last much longer!"

"Incoming!" The winged earth pony replied, while charging a huge, blue energy aura with her forehooves. The countdown began in her mind.

"Kameeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee......

Her wings flinched. Her heart thudded.

Hameeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee......

The world around her froze for a moment. She opened her eyes and let it go.

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

The dark of the night was invaded by a huge, pale blue light. The pegasi near the zone were pushed backwards by a sudden, strong breeze, some of the unicorns and earth ponies who had stayed to witness the titanic fight lost their sight and the biggest trees were savagely ripped off from the ground by an invisible force. Somewhere nearby, Flash Sentry got crushed by a giant pine tree.

"Dear Sweet Celestia!" a red, blonde maned unicorn exclaimed. "They killed Flash Sentry!"

"THOSE BASTARDS!" his marefriend screamed angrily.

"This is the end!" Lyra Hearstrings yelled, bursting into tears, "We're all going to die and I'm still a virgin! Game over, man! GAME OVER!"

"LYRA!" ~~Sweetie Drops~~ Bon Bon managed to yell, trotting to reach her best friend so she could hug her, "If this is the end, I just want you to know that no matter what happens....I love you!"

"I love you too, Bon Bon!" Lyra cried out with tears running down her cheeks and a weak smile. "The only thing I regret is not getting to second base with you!"

"It doesn't matter!" Bon Bon replied, hugging her even stronger than before. "We can still make up for lost time!"

"You're right!" Lyra yelled. "Let's make out! Super hard!"

After that brief word exchange, the light apple greenish gray coated earth pony and the aquamarine, grayish maned unicorn started to have sex.

When the light finally faded away, the 2 exhausted mares saw that Molestia was still flying around the same spot. It seemed like she was mocking them.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Pinkie Pie screamed in anger, "Not even a single scratch?! I spent almost half of my energy to make that attack!"

"Well" Molestia said with a suggestive tone and giggling. A huge, purple energy ball began to form on the tip of her horn. "It looks like it's my turn".

"Oh" Applejack managed to say after gulping. "We're screwed".

"PENETRATION BEAM!"

Before she could even understand what had happened, Pinkie Pie saw herself landing brutally on top of Fluttershy, who due to the impact, lost all her concentration and let go of the Genki-Furry-Dama . Applejack made contact with the ground a few feet nearby a few seconds later, almost hitting Rainbow Dash.

"NO!" Twilight screamed.

The Genky-Furry-Dama exploded not too far away, blowing up a cabin nearby. Yep, all hope was lost.

"LOOOOOUD NOISES!" Carrot Top yelled angrily, while rocking a baby carrot from her remaining crops.

"That's it!" Rainbow Dash declared, flapping her wings and ready to strike, "I'll deal with that dirty cunt myself!"

"No, Rainbow" A shattered Twilight Sparkle said, stopping her friend with her magic. "It will be useless. We....We lost. She.... She has won".

"BULLCRAP!" Pinkie Pie hurried to shout while coming out with Fluttershy from the big crate they had left in the ground and approaching to Twilight. "That bitch is going down! You hear me?"

"Face the facts, Pinkie" Twilight mumbled, looking at the empty, lifeless floor. "We can't bea. She's to powerful for us to handle her. She's absorved Celestia's, Luna's, Cadence's and Discord's magic and we only have 6 elements".

"Well, honey" Rarity said, "We all know that's not true. We still have one more trick left".

"Wait a minute!" Twilight gasped, amazed. "You're right, girls! We still have our deadliest weapon on our side!"

"Are y'all suggesting what Ah think y'all are suggesting?" A curious Applejack asked.

"Of course we are!" Twilight afirmed. "Spike! Come here immediately!"

"What the actual fuck?" Molestia asked, notably surprised. She was now facing a giant purple dragon-headed robot with a white left arm, a yellow right arm, a half pink-half lavender chest, 2 enormous wings -one being light blue and the other one being yellow- and 2 long, strong and orange legs.

"Molestia" Twilight announced from her battle spot. "This is our final warning. Leave Equestria peacefully and never return or you will be obliterated".

The earth trembled once more and Molestia acquired the exact same 10 feet tall size.

"NEVER!" She roared, shaking the remaining trees and houses.

"Ohmygoshgoshohmygoshohmygosh!" Rainbow Dash said, unable to control her sudden excitement. "A monster battle! This is going to get 200% cooler!"

"VINYL!" Pinkie yelled, "Please put some appropriate music for this!"

"You got it, Pinkie!" The DJ unicorn yelled back, putting a new disc.

"Wow, Vinyl!" Octavia exclaimed impressed, examining her roommate's impressive equipment. "Where did you get those speakers?"

"E-Bay, Duh!" Vinyl quickly replied. "Now let's do this shit!"

Metal music started to play and the contenders ran to receive each other. The final clash had just began.

Howling like a wild animal, Molestia pounced over her new opponent.

"Sekushii na position attack!" Rarity shouted, pressing a green button on her panel control. The robot began to make a series of suggestive poses.

"AAARGH!" Molestia moaned in agony, taking a step back. "It's so tempting! IT'S SO TEMPTING!"

"Gee, Rarity!" Pinkie Pie said. "No wonder you're everypony's favourite waifu!"

"What's a waifu?" Fluttershy asked with curiosity.

"Somepony like Rarity" Rainbow Dash hurried to answer.

"Is that some kind of insult?" Rarity asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Why do Ah think it's one of those fancy naughty words?" Applejack said, joining the discussion.

"Girls, stay focused!" Twilight yelled. "Pinkie, now it's your turn!"

"Great!" The pink pony said, pulling forward a lever next to her with a sadistic grin. "CUPCAKE RAIN!"

A bunch of explosive cupcakes with different tastes and colours where shot from the robot's forehooves as projectiles, making Molestia take one more step back.

"Spike, use flamethrower!" Twilight cried.

"With pleasure!" The small purple dragon exclaimed, pressing a red button on his panel. The robot's dragon head launched a huge, green fire blast from its mouth that burned Molestia's mane.

"Wow!" Spike gasped. "I didn't expect it to be that strong!"

"MY MANE! The pervert alicorn yelled while trying to extinguish the flames. "MY BEAUTIFUL MANE! I'LL KILL YOU!"

"Preparing ass-bucking position!" Applejack announced, pulling a lever in reverse. The robot adopted the position of a mule ready to kick with its back hooves.

"FIRE!" Twilight shouted like a general.

"Yes, ma'am!" Applejack shouted back like a soldier receiving orders as she pressed the orange button on her panel control. The robot's hooves performed a strong kick that sent Molestia to the ozone layer in response.

Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy hurried to press a button in their respective spots and the robot took flight to punch Molestia in the face and grabbed her by the wings.

"It's up to you, Rainbow Dash!" Twilight yelled once more. "You know what to do!"

"Yeah!" Pinkie Pie shouted. "K.O. THAT BITCH!"

"Finally!" Rainbow Dash groaned. "Let's end this! RAINBOW SANCTION, MOTHERFUCKER!"

"WAIT, WAIT!" Molestia managed to scream in vain.

The two contenders hit the ground at an incalculable speed and a huge "BOOM!" made the whole planet shiver. It took at least 5 minutes for the light and the dust to go away, and then, the surviving citizens of Ponyville saw amazed how 6 known ponies and a tiny baby dragon came out from a crater with the size of a Ursa Major.

"WE DID IT!" They all yelled.

"FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC, BIATCH!" Pinkie Pie yelled with joy.

Everypony began to hooray their heroes.

"And then they all got super pregnant and had thousands of colts and fillies" Derpy Hooves said after reading the last page, closing the book. "The End! So, what did you think, girls? Wasn't it great?"

The seven mares and the tiny purple and green scaled dragon were speechless. They all had a lost look on their faces and their mouths were wide open.

"Derpy, what the hell?!" Lyra finally yelled. "I would never have sex with Bon Bon! She's my best friend and I like her, but not in that way! How did you even get to that conclusion?"

"And why would I ever use my body as a weapon to seduce him somepony?!" Rarity yelled, horrified. Applejack looked at her raising an eyebrow.

"I think that what Lyra and Rarity are trying to say, Derpy, is that your story didn't make any sense " Twilight hurried to say before things went out of hoof, trying to use the less hurtful words. "I mean, it's okay for being your first story, but the plot was almost nonexistent and our personalities were very different from our real ones".

"Oh" Derpy said, lowering her ears and with melancoly in her voice. "I see".

"Don't listen to them, Derpy!" Pinkie Pie said, hopping until she reached her. "We think it was amazing!"

"You mean it?" The grey coated, yellow maned pegasus asked, raising her head with a smile on her face.

"You bet!" Rainbow Dash affirmed proudly. "You managed to catch my adventuress and heroic personality!"

"And the actions scenes were actually very good" Fluttershy added. "I think my favourite part was when you made me charge a huge beam with the energy of my animal friends. I wish I could do that though".

"Yeah! I agree!" Spike said. "You have a great imagination!"

"Well" Applejack said confused. Her mind still had to process everything she had heard for the last 2 hours. "If Ah have to be honest, Ah think the story is a bit of a mess, but the action is quite engaging! You should definitely write stories like these more often! Actually, now that Ah think about it, Ah would like to read a second part!"

"Thanks, girls" Derpy said, almost crying. "I knew you'd like it".

"Well, just try to give me some more awesome scenes next time, okay?" Rainbow Dash asked.

Ten seconds later, the eight fellow ponies and the baby dragon burst out laughing.