God my head was pounding, I swear I'll never drink again! I rubbed my throbbing for had with my ... hoof? Oh shit! Okay so this means I'm either in a bad fanfic or I passed out drunk and someone replaced my hands with hooves and also probably took my kidney.(.I hope it's the latter.) Slowly I opened up my eyes to find that I was a pony.
" Oh man this is happening isn't it?" This meant I either found a portal to Equestria while I was drunk, having a dream, or I'm having a psychotic breakdown. Without a second thought I bit down on my tongue as hard as I could, I instantly regretted it! For the next few minutes I was curled up in the fetal position holding my mouth. So this isn't a dream and the only possible conclusion is that I am crazy. Great just great oh well I guess I can enjoy this while it lasts. I heard a few hoof steps a few moments later and through the doorway I saw purple mare walk in.
"well it looks like you're finally up" she said. Yep I am crazy because now talking to me was Twilight Sparkle. I starred for a minute.
" Fuck it! like I'll ever get another chance like this." I promptly left the bed an walked over to Twilight. Before she could protest, I leaned in and kissed her. I broke the kiss and looked at Twilight. All she could do has blink and mutter incoherently. I laughed and slapped her on the rump. This seemed to bring her out of her stopper, but it was to late I was already heading down the steps. When I reached the door, I could barely hear Twilight muffled protests
"Stop! Really you can't be walking on that leg..." I was out the door before she could ever finish. And GOD DAMN was the sun bright for a halutionation! As my eyes adjusted to the light, I took in Ponyville in all it's technicolor glory.
"Hhmm I'm in Ponyville and I'm insane, where should I go.... Pinkie Pie." It makes sense really, who else better to share insanity with then the queen of crazy her self? I started trott in to town, not questioning why it was easy for me to walk on fore leg despite spending me life as a biped. I quickly found my destination Sugarcube Corner. Hesitation is for the sane , so I promptly kicked open the door a called out "PIIIIIIIIIINKIEEEEEEE I'M HOOOOOOOME!" Then said mare came bounding towards me, but stoped just short of coliding with me.
"Here I am!...Wait I don't know you......AAAAAAANNNNNDDDD THAT MEANS I CAN THROW YOU A WELCOME TO PONYVILLE PARTY!!" Pinkie ran up stairs and began rumanging for something. After a few minutes and some noises that I can only describe as the sound an out of tune ocastra being tossed into a chicken coop where the chickens have kazoos stuck in their throats and joy buzzers in their asses, Pinkie returned. She slamed a sombrero on my head and stuffed a cyan cupcake in my mouth. It tasted vagely like skittles... I adjusted my new latino head wear to see the light speed fast Pikie, shooting about the room. She tried to talk, but all I could understand was
"Party.....later.....buy......pickle barrels......and.....sanviches.......watch......out ...party cann," thats all I heard before being blindsided by a baby aligator in a minture cannon.The blast sent me fling back into the streets. I layed on the ground for a moment takeing the spraling blue sky and odd clouds. before I could ponder the subtlies of the barfing flower cloud, it was gone in a rainbow blur. It clould only mean one thing, Rainbow Dash!
" Hey Rainbow Dash!" I called as I got to my feet ,..er hooves. I have a brony argument to settle.
" Somepony call for some awesome?" Rainbow said as she landed next to me like, well a pegion actualy.
" Ya Dash I wanted to ask you something."
" Is it that if I can do a double dog back flip ace? 'cuz trust me I can" I frowned slightly.
" No it's do you like fillies?" she raised an eyebrow at me then shruged.
' Ya I geuss most of them are coo ,but scootaloo is probablly the coolist. She like worships me hehehe."
" No do you like fillies?" I asked again annoyed now.
"I don't get what you mean." I was about to speak again when a thought struck me. Why am I being subtle, it's not like any this is real! I spoke up again
" Rainbow Dash are you sexually attracted to other mares?" She said nothing but her wings did flair up. "I'll take your silence as a yes . Thank you Dash! Kevin owes me five dollars." I said before trotting away.
As I walked I wasn't really paying attintion do I happend to run in to a yellow pegasus.
" Oh I'm sorry... um ..." she said. I took a deep breath. I was going to rip her a new one. Oh yes this will make Gilda look like a bunny! I thought but before I could unleash the torent of volgerity, I looked into her sweet turqouise eyes. Suddenly I felt dirty. I frowned then sighed. I softly patted her on the head and walked off. real or fake, it is wrong to make fluttershy cry. I began to hum some odd tune when I realized some thing.
"Wait a moment...I'm crazy yet, I didn't want to violently ass rape Fluttershy so....maybe I'm not crazy and I'm really in Equestria....... Naaaaaa I'm as nutty as a loon ha!."
"There you are!" I turned to see twilight behind me. she spoke again
" Oh no look at you leg we need to get some new bandages on it and... where did you get that hat?" I looked up and remembered that I was wearing a sombrero. I then looked at my leg, It was covered in blood soaked bandages.
" Well, will you look at that " I managed to say before fainting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I woke up in Twilights bed, again. Twilight was hovering over me and the second my eyes openedthe bed sheet has pulled taught. Hmm I did think she would be into bondage. Kinky.
"Oh I'm sooooo sorry to do this to you but I can't have you running off again." she smiled sheepishly. "So , um where are you from?" I looked at her for a moment
"What why do you ask?" I said
"Well before you ran into the library you yelled something I didn't reconize."
" What did I say?" I asked
"Well," she cleared her thoat. " It was, now forgive me if I prononce this wrong, 'oh shit, oh shit talking horses! Oh fuck I'm a horse too!' Then you you ran in here. Now I understand all the words except shit and fuck what do those mean?" My face grew red. Oh my god I have to explain fuck and shit to an innocent pony, again I felt dirty for some reason.
" Well uh hehehe.... shit is a a type of butterfly....ya! and fuck is another word for tissue....." Twilight smiled slightly then said
"okay!" Then a knock came at the door "oh that must be them " Twilight exlaimed and trotted to the bedroom door. She opened it to reveil Rainbow Dash, Pinkie (who fired her party cannon , shooting confetti and streamers everywhere.) Fluttershy and Celestia. I was utterly confused. Twilight walked up to her mentor and said "I'm so glad you could make it on such short notice Princess," She smiled warmly liike a proud mother and said " Yes Twilight but what is so important that I need to be here?" Twilight looked at me then whispered,although I could still hear her.
"Well he doesn't seem to think that this is real, and his leg is cut up far beyond my abilities." Celestia looked puzzled
" Dosn't think this is real?" Celestia asked. Twilight only nodded. The princess began to think then she sneezed.
"Oh bless you, here take a fuck." said Twilight handing Celestia a tissue.
"waaaa Twilight what are you-" she looked at the tissue then Twilight then me
"Twilight where did you hear that word?" she asked
"He taught it to me. It means tissue" Twilight smiled, blissfully unaware of how bad she was swearing. Celestia looked at me then said "Will you all please leave the room, I need to talk to him in private." I gulped. I really hope that this is not a Molestia universe. They all did as asked and when the final tail left and the door shut Celetia leaned in towards me.
"I Know what you are, or were I should say, human." I gasped
"But but but then that means this...real... I...molestted.....and I'm not crazy." I began to laugh. now that I know this isn't a halusination I can really enjoy and even live in Equestria!
"Don't worry human I will send you home." She said so sweetly I think I got diabetis.
"nononononononononon!" I called out but it was to late . Celestia touched her glowing horn to my forehead. and I was out!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I woke again, but instead of smelling the nice aroma of lavender and old books, everything stunk of rotting trash. I looked around and found that I was in a dumpster. Gone were my furry hooves and replaced with stubby hairless sausages. I looked to my left and saw a plush Celestia doll with a note in it's mouth. puzzled, I took the note and read it.
dear human, thank you for visiting us in Equestia it was just thrilling. I must warn you though , if you or any of your kind return, you will be exicuted.
Love Celestia.
I looked back at the doll for a moment as I let the letter's massage sink in.........hmmm I wonder how much I can get for this on eBay?
fin
