Chapters The Disney Princesses Meet Princess Twilight Sparkle
Author's Note
Another story written during a long bout of insomnia, which explains quite a lot. Like, 95% of what you'll read below. Even this section was concocted while I was lying there wide awake. Everything's written in a very-off the wall style, one that would be great for a reading on YouTube. Someone want to volunteer?
Dreadnought
The Summit
Once upon a time –
About 04:36:18 Zulu (that’s 12:36:18 AM for you on the east coast, 9:36:18 PM for you on the west coast) next Tuesday. Though somehow for a story set in the future, it is written in past tense. Never mind this seeming contradiction and forget I mentioned it.
– in a land far, far away –
Okay, so not that far away for you readers in central Florida, but far away for those who live on the west coast, not to mention the readers overseas in places like the UK, Australia, and North Korea. Wait, do they even have internet access in North Korea? I don’t think so. Besides, they have more important things to do than read My Little Pony fan fiction.
– lay a Magic Kingdom. At the heart of this kingdom stood a beautiful, towering castle.
Interesting fact: Did you know that the castle is just under 200 feet tall? If it was 200 feet or more, then it would be a hazard to aviation, and would require a beacon. Can’t you just see those imagineers trying to explain why a fairytale castle needs a flashing light? They’d probably make up some backstory that it was some magic gem that protected the kingdom from outside evil, but I digress.
Deep within a secret chamber, a number of young ladies had gathered for an important meeting.
Bet you were expecting another witty note from this smart-ass author. Well, joke’s on you!
The group sat around a large, round table, anxiously awaiting their leader.
Aerial turned to Cinderella and asked, “Where can Snow White be? Our meeting was supposed to start half an hour ago.”
“I don’t know, but I can tell you where she’s not – making crappy direct-to-video sequels,” replied the agitated princess.
“Yes, I was less than pleased with mine. It seemed as though it was just a rewrite of my first movie.”
“Well, at least it was better received than my first sequel. It was wretched. So many years had passed, they really didn’t need to make a sequel, let alone two.”
Just then the door opened, and Snow White stepped inside as the other princesses rose in respect. Taking her seat, she said, “Thank you all for coming. Before we begin, I will now take a roll call of all in attendance. Cinderella?”
“Here.”
“Aurora?”
There was silence. Pocahontas poked the sleeping beauty who, disoriented, looked about and asked, “What’s going on?”
“Ariel?”
Setting down the fork she had been using to comb her hair, she answered, “Here.”
“Belle?”
Putting down her book, she replied, “Here.”
“Jasmine?”
“Here.”
“Pocahontas?”
“Here.”
“Mulan?”
“Here.” The girl went back to sharpening her sword.
“Tiana?”
“Here.”
“Rapunzel?”
“Here.”
“Elsa and Anna?”
Aerial spoke up. “Anna is busy running Arendelle while Elsa is travelling the world fighting global warming.”
“Oh?” said Snow White. “It doesn’t appear she’s doing a very good job. Nevertheless, I wished they had told me about this. Very well, Mona?”
“Moana,” corrected Belle.
“That’s what I said, Mona.”
“Mo-an-a,” repeated Belle.
“Mo-an-a,” replied Snow White.
Mulan explained, “She’s on Gaum to defend the island from North Korean missiles.”
Actually, the author has yet to see the movie Moana. I know you just gasped at that admission. So, in an effort to not offend fans by writing her poorly, the author has elected to offend fans by not including her at all.
“I see. Well, I hope her assistance is not required, but I’m sure the US military will accept her help if needed.” Looking over her roster, she asked, “Did I miss any princess?”
A very heavy Scottish accent came from the back of the room, “Yes, what about me?”
Looking up, Snow White explained, “Oh, Merida, this is for Disney princesses only. You are Pixar.”
“What about me?” came a voice from a small little girl.
“Vanellope von Schweetz, didn’t you abdicate your throne to become President?”
“Yeah, but Mulan is here and she’s never been a princess.”
Yes, she has a point. One that’s never been explained to me, the author. I know I skip between referring to myself in the first-person and third-person. Deal with it.
“Corporate has decided that she’s a Disney princess and you are not. I’m afraid I have no control over it.”
“Well, I’m a Disney Princess,” said a lioness.
“No Nala, this group is for human princesses only.”
“How do you explain why I’m not included then?” asked a teenage girl.
“Who are you?” asked Snow White.
“I’m Princess Eilonwy.”
The other princesses all looked at each other in confusion. Snow White asked again, “Who are you?”
“Eilonwy. From The Black Cauldron.”
“Oh yes, I remember, Eilonwy from The Black Cauldron. I’m afraid this is limited to human princesses from successful Disney movies that were profitable.” Seeing no one else, she said, “You all will have to leave.” The others grumbled and left, leaving the eleven girls alone in the chamber.
Who knew that there were so many Disney Princesses? And why aren’t all counted anyways? Wouldn’t Disney make more money if they had more princesses and thus more merchandise to sell? Take note shareholders of Disney! There is untapped revenue!
“Now that we have that out of the way, we can begin our summit,” continued Snow White. “Cinderella, you called for this meeting, why don’t you present the motivation?”
Cinderella rose from her seat and stood before the other princesses. “Thank you all for coming. It is so nice to see all of you again.” Clearing her throat, she began, “I hope you haven’t forgotten our mistake from a few years ago? We stood idly by while Princess Fiona had a breakout role in Shrek. Since then, she’s appeared in a hit-Broadway show and in three other movies, with a fourth on the way. Our kindness has led to the rise of a competing princess. Now we face another grave threat to our status. In a few weeks we will see Princess Twilight Sparkle star in a movie. And this movie will have not one, but several princesses. We cannot let this stand. We must act.”
There were hushed whispers and some nods of agreement among the other princesses. Finally, Aerial spoke up, “What are you proposing?”
“We must make a pre-emptive strike.”
“What do you have in mind?” asked a suddenly interested Mulan.
“I propose we kidnap Princess Twilight.”
There was some shock among the group.
Snow White was the first to speak up. “I think Applejack is the bigger threat. She’s hawking all those apples. Who knows how many princesses will be poisoned.”
Aurora next spoke. “What about Rarity? All those needles,” she shuddered.
“No, it must be Princess Twilight Sparkle.”
“Is that really necessary?” posed Rapunzel.
“Absolutely.”
Mulan said, “From my studies of Sun Tzu, we should wait and see what develops. Perhaps her movie will not be successful?”
“Can we really take that risk? Do you want to see another Shrek or Anastasia? No! We must act now while we still can. Together we can pull off a great victory!”
“Can we not live in harmony?” asked Pocahontas.
“You tried that, didn’t you? And the English stole your lands. Ariel, your beloved seas are being overfished and polluted. Jasmine, your homeland in Arabia is in turmoil. We have stood by too long. The line must be drawn here, no further. Now is our moment of destiny!”
The other princesses stood and cheered, and the motion was carried unanimously.
Oh, things are going to get interesting now! It’s not too soon to hit that thumbs up button at the top of the screen. Come on, you know you want to. It’s so easy! Just hover the cursor over the thumbs up and left-click. You don’t even have to get out of your seat.
The Disney Princesses Meet Princess Twilight Sparkle
And so, the Disney princesses embarked for Hollywood. They all boarded a bus –
So here’s why. Turns out a certain princess, I’m not naming names Snow White, has a thing against magic mirrors. The princesses also couldn’t fly. Turns out one of them is on a watch-list after flying her magic carpet into restricted airspace, causing military fighter jets to be scrambled. And the group couldn’t travel by train. For some reason, Aerial was afraid of steam locomotives, probably due to several of her fishy friends being boiled alive. The group did try to borrow some inter-dimensional scissors. However, angered at not being invited to the summit, Princess Star Butterfly refused to lend her stolen scissors to the princesses. And so, because none of the princesses could drive, and no one wanted to pay the huge fee for an Uber across country, they boarded a Greyhound bus.
– and after a brief stop in New Orleans –
Tiana insisted everyone stop at her restaurant. All the princess dined on the great Cajun fare – gumbo, jambalaya, boudin, crawfish, alligator. They then went on a tour of the city. Tiana was going to be the tour guide, but Belle insisted as she had read a dozen tour books on New Orleans, dragging the group to Jackson Square, the National World War II Museum (awesome!), the cemeteries, Chalmette Battlefield (sorry readers in the UK), the streetcars, Canal Street, and the Superdome.
– and a forgettable detour –
As the princesses were all underage, they decided to stop in Tijuana, Mexico, to go barhopping. But at the border, the Mexican federal police discovered a large cache of weapons. Turns out Mulan, always trying to be well armed to fight off the next invasion, had acquired a large arsenal of AR-15s, Kalashnikovs, and 50-caliber sniper rifles. Thus the princesses all wound up in a Mexican prison. But thanks to Cinderella’s fairy godmother’s bibbidi-bobbidi-bribes, the princesses were able to escape. And since all the princesses were able communicate with animals, except Belle who was more in tune with flatware and furniture, they found some friendly coyotes to sneak them back across the border.
– they arrived in at their destination. They all went inside Hasbro Studios. Tiana, being an American from a relatively recent time period, spoke for the group. “What do you mean Princess Twilight isn’t here?” she demanded.
The receptionist replied, “I’m sorry, but it’s produced in Vancouver.”
That’s “Vanhoover” for all you bronies out there!
Tiana turned to the other princesses, “Guess we’re headed to Vancouver.”
“Well, at least we can leave the land of Trump,” said Belle.
“Hey, I like Trump!” said Cinderella.
Insert long argument over politics. And the right side won – whichever one will generate more likes for this story.
And so the princesses headed to Vancouver.
Actually, Belle insisted on giving a tour of Los Angeles. She took them to Hollywood Boulevard, the Getty Center, the USS Iowa (You should go there! Now!), the Queen Mary, Dodger Stadium, the tar pits, and The Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios (don't tell Disney of this transgression!).
***
The princesses travelled north.
The did stop at Ghirardelli in San Francisco (That’s – wait! What is the ponified version of San Francisco? I don’t know. Someone help the author out!). They all enjoyed the fine products without Anna and Elsa going nuts. Because, even you Frozen fans will admit, they would totally pig out and stuff their faces.
They arrived in Vancouver late in the night.
***
Princess Twilight Sparkle left the office and headed home for a good night’s sleep. She couldn’t wait to find out what delicious dinner Spike had prepared for her. She also wanted to know how Starlight’s study of friendship was going. And, having the next day off, she had big plans. It would start with a wonderful breakfast with Starlight and Spike. Then she would visit the sick foals at Ponyville Hospital and help the mayor balance the budget. Next, she would spend time working on her numerous charities (though the Princess of Friendship, she could also be the Princess of Kindness and Generosity). After lunch with Pinkie Pie, she would help Rainbow Dash prepare for Do-Con, then join Rarity and Fluttershy at the spa for some much needed rest and relaxation. Finally, she would go to Sweet Apple Acres for a down-home dinner with the Apples. Yes, tomorrow was going to be a great day!
Suddenly, she heard a noise from behind her. Before she could turn around, a heavy whack to the head knocked her out.
The Disney Princesses Meet Princess Twilight Sparkle
Twilight groaned, her head pounding like never before in her life. Opening her eyes, the blurry scene slowly came into focus. She was surrounded by several young ladies. “Hello?”
A girl screamed and swung a frying pan at her….
Sorry I have no smart-ass comment. I wrote this tiny subsection while I was rested and wide awake. Most of this story I wrote in my head while I was lying in bed with insomnia. Yeah, insomnia sucks. But one does come up with the strangest story ideas. Like my one-shot Pinkie Pie Has the Bomb. I came up with that late one night while I was trying to go to sleep. Same with my story Cutie Mark Fail. Strange thing is, I never used to have insomnia. But over the last couple of years, I've had immense trouble getting to sleep. My doctor thinks my service in the military is driving my insomnia. I think he's onto something.
***
Twilight slowly came to, her head throbbing even worse than before. It was as if she had pounded her head against a concrete wall for hours, before putting it in a doorframe and slamming the door shut repeatedly. Or, put another way:
She hated to open her eyes again, fearing yet another whack from a frying pan. But she knew she’d have to eventually, so she gingerly opened her eyes, to find she was surrounded by a gang of young girls. A blonde swung a frying pan at her, but was stopped mid-swing by an Asian girl.
“Enough Rapunzel!” yelled another blonde.
“But Cinderella!” whined the girl wielding the frying pan.
Yeah, she should really be restrained. She’s gonna kill somebody one of these days with that thing. But since she’s a princess, she’ll get away with it. Not like the rest of us. What gives them the right to rule anyways? Yeah, they received the whole royalty thing because they were born into it. But why should there be royalty at all? Where did it all start? I never really understood until it was explained to me in this educational film:
Twilight began to recognize her captors – Snow White (who looked far younger than her age of 94), Cinderella (the apparent ringleader of this posse), Aurora (who kept dozing off), Ariel, Belle (who had a bag full of books next to her), Jasmine, Pocahontas, Mulan (who was omniously sharpening her swords), Tiana, and Rapunzel (who for some reason had long, blonde hair again). These were the Disney princesses, only missing Anna, Elsa, Moana, Merida, Vanellope von Schweetz, Nala, and Eilonwy from The Black Cauldron. Not to mention the minor princesses, such as Princess Sofia; Princess Elena; Princess Star Butterfly; Princess Kiara; Princess Giselle; Princess Kida; Princesses Attina, Alana, Adella, Aquata, Arista, and Andrina; Princess Melody; Princesses Ting-Ting, Su and Mei; Princess Atta; Princess Kilala; and Princess Leia (we miss you Carrie).
Wow that’s a lot of princesses! I mean, I know that monarchies have been the traditional form of government for most of history (Most countries had monarchies, and some still do. Even ancient Rome and Athens had monarchies at times. Some monarchies ended quietly, while others not so much, looking to you France). But how come we don’t see more presidents, senators, prime ministers, etc.? What’s wrong with the hero of a Disney film living in a republic? Really, can any of you readers explain it to me? I will give anyone who can provide a satisfactory answer a big, virtual, high-five. Also a bro-hoof bump. So, any takers?
“Why did you kidnap me?” asked Twilight.
Cinderella turned to Twilight. “Isn’t it obvious?”
Twilight, unsure of what was implied, replied, “No.”
“You are a threat to us princesses.”
“I am? Wait a minute, not all of you are princesses.”
“Corporate says Mulan is. And yes. You are a popular princess on a successful TV series. None of us had that –”
A voice from the group interuppted, “Actually –”
“Shutup Meg – I mean Ariel! As I was saying, you are a princess on a successful TV series. Now you are making a movie that can rival ours. We stood by as Anastasia was made. Then we didn’t take Shrek seriously.”
“Your overconfidence is your weakness,” smugly replied Twilight.
Star Wars! It's a Star Wars reference. I called it.
“Hey, we own Star Wars now!"
Damn it Cinderella. I already pointed that out!
"We will not make the same mistake again. We will not tolerate another non-Disney princess.”
“What about Princess Mononoke?” asked Twilight slyly.
“Oh, her time is coming. But first, we must deal with you,” said Cinderella firmly.
Twilight paused to think about the princess’s declaration. “Wow. I know I should be terrified, but I’m actually kind of flattered. You think enough of me and my movie to kidnap me and threaten my life.”
“Why isn’t she more frightened?” asked Tiana.
“It's rather simple. You’re forgetting that I’ve studied magic all my life. I’ve taken on Nightmare Moon, Discord, Chrysalis, Sombra, Tirek, Sunset Shimmer, and Starlight Glimmer and won. None of you can do magic.” Twilight focused and tried to teleport, but nothing happened. “Wait! Why can’t I do magic?”
“Simple,” explained Jasmine. “I had my friend Genie make an amulet that prevents you from doing magic. It’s like the Alicorn Amulet, but in reverse. He calls it the Earth Pony Amulet.”
“Hey!” exclaimed Twilight. “Earth ponies have magic too.”
Cinderella laughed. “Unicorns can do spells. Pegasi can fly. What can earth ponies do?”
“I haven’t exactly figured that out. But they do have magic, whatever that may be.”
“Well, we’re going to determine what to do with you so you’ll never threaten us again.”
Dun-Dun-Dunnnn! Things don't look good for Twilight. What will happen? Will she be killed? Will she be rescued? Will Timmy be pulled out of that well? Read it next time. Same Dreadnought time! Same Dreadnought channel!
Wow! I really need to get a good night's rest!
The Disney Princesses Meet Princess Twilight Sparkle
Twilight sat tied to the chair, considering her options. Under normal circumstances, she’d simply use her magic to overcome the dark forces that had kidnapped her. But the magic charm – she refused to call it the Earth Pony Amulet – prevented her from doing that. Still, she’d faced enemies before without magic.
Maybe her friends would rescue her? They’d done it before. But, nopony knew she was here.
Maybe the other princesses? Again, they didn’t know she was here. Plus the amulet would interfere with a tracking spell.
Time for her back-up plan. She would – befriend her captors. Once they were friends, they were sure to release her and everything would end happily ever after.
Really? Really? How come the crimes of the villains are always forgiven? Celestia went easy on Luna because they’re sisters. But why did she go easy on Discord? I know she said she had use for Discord’s magic, but was that ever explained? Why would a princess who can literally move the sun need a guy running around who can pull all sorts of crap? Then there’s Starlight. She was dictator of a whole town, yet everything was easily forgiven. Even Thorax became a member of society after a sappy song. Won’t we get an episode where the villain is punished? Come on, is that too much to ask? Sorry for my rant. Back to the story.
Twilight began formulating her plan. First, she would need to find some common ground. Well, Belle likes books, so that could be a start.
Really, isn’t it obvious? I’m sure all of you saw that coming. Come on, can’t the author come up with something more creative? But then again, have you ever heard of Occam’s Razor? And besides, Simplicity is one of the Principles of War. That’s right, Twilight is going to war against the Disney Princesses! “Cry 'Havoc!', and let slip the dogs of war.” Go get’em Equestria Girls Spike! And Winona.
Belle could be the key to convincing the other princesses. Yes, looks like this plan –
Twilight heard a massive commotion coming from the next room. There where bangs, and thuds, and screams. It sounded like – a fight.
After the commotion died down, the door slowly opened. In walked a gray pony with a black mane. “Are you okay Princess?” he asked.
“Yes, but who are you?”
“My name’s Machina – Detective Deus ex Machina. I’m here to rescue you.”
“How did you find me?” asked the astonished princess.
“Oh, a professional never reveals the tricks of the trade. Let’s just say it wasn’t as hard as you might think.”
After untying her, the two walked out into the next room to find the rest of the mane six, plus Starlight Glimmer and the other Equestrian Princesses. The Disney princesses all sat in a group, tied up with a lasso.
“Ah’m glad we wrangled these varmits,” said Applejack.
Finally, a cameo by the best pony ever! Don't deny it. Admit you're all secretly Applejack fans at heart! Even check out this great video:
Cinderella said, “We would’ve gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids and your dog too!”
“Hey, I’m a dragon, not a dog,” said Spike.
“Yeah, whatever.”
“So now what?” asked Twilight.
Detective Machina explained, “Well, the Disney corporate executives have disavowed any knowledge of your actions. You all have been stripped of your titles, rendering you mere commoners.”
“No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” yelled the princesses.
“You all will be sent to a juvenile detention facility, except for you who are adults, who will be sent to a hard-core prison. Not like that country club Martha Stewart went to. More like The Shawshank Redemption, except without the escape. But don’t fear, the Disney Princess line will continue. May I introduce the newest Disney princesses….”
In walked Vanellope von Schweetz; Nala; Princess Eilonwy from The Black Cauldron; Princess Sofia; Princess Elena; Princess Star Butterfly; Princess Kiara; Princess Giselle; Princess Kida; Princesses Attina, Alana, Adella, Aquata, Arista, and Andrina; Princess Melody; Princesses Ting-Ting, Su and Mei; Princess Atta; Princess Kilala; and Princess Leia.
So, wasn't that the best story ever! Come on, Homer, Shakespeare, Dickens, Twain, Hemmingway... none of them could have ever crafted such a great story! Way better than anything those losers ever wrote! They couldn't have written such a masterpiece even if they all sat around a table (with heavy booze) all night. But I digress. Now is the time to scroll up to the top and hit the like button. You should have done that in Chapter 1, so if you're only doing it now - shame on you!!! If you did in Chapter 1, virtual high-five!
Well, here we are at the end. I hope you enjoyed this little bit of chaos. But, I have a shocking confession to make. I didn’t actually write this story. I heard all your screams of "No!" I imagine it went something like this:
I’m sorry I misled you. I hope you can forgive me from the bottom of your hearts. But now that it’s over, it’s time I give credit where credit is due. So without further ado, I give you the author. Please come out and take a bow, Discord.
~~The End~~
