Super Gypsy Lord Admiral Nyronus Shachza Shouldn't Write Shipfics, Volume II

by TheGypsyBard

Rating: teen
Tags: Romance, Equestria Girls, Trixie, Spike, Comedy, King Sombra, Random, Derpy Hooves, Sex, Flash Sentry
Length: 1130

Equestria, where the friendship is magic and the romance is probably also even more magical. Well, usually. Sometimes, not so much.

Once upon a time in a universe far, far away, two or three or five or some nonzero quantity of magic diminutive horses came together and fell in love and then unfortunately produced offspring who chronicled the way in which their parents met.

These are their stories.

Trigger warnings: A Bronycon Collaborative fiction between Admiral Biscuit, TheGypsyBard, Lord Legion, Nyronus, Shachza, andSuper Trampoline. We're not sorry.

Published 2017-08-19 20:40:05 UTC
Last updated 2017-08-19 20:40:05 UTC

The Great and Powerful Tristan had Spikemare at "Neigh"

Mirror-world Equestria is a very strange place where Sombra is good and Celestia is bad or everypony is genderswapped or whatever else the plot requires.

The Great and Powerful Tristan is a magician in one of the Equestrias. A pretty decent one, to be honest, with his own stage cart and all that. He's kind of boastful, but he's got a handsome square jaw, and a really huge

Hat. With stars and crescent moons, but no bells, because Equestrian law requires that you grow a beard before you can put bells on your robe, and you also have to fill out three forms and pay two bits annually for the permit.

Meanwhile, Spikemare was flying over the small town of AntiPonyville, where the Great and Powerful Tristian was showing up Applejack, Elusive, Rainbow Blitz, Flutterguy, and Richardlight Sparkle. And not really doing that good a job of it. The Great and Powerful Tristan is all show and no substance.

Spikemare was actually enjoying the show. He'd never seen any magic like the Great and Powerful Tristan. So he flew down for a closer look.

Of course, everypony panicked when he swooped down, because he was all nightmare-y. The entire audience galloped off, leaving the Great and Powerful Tristan alone on his stage.

Spikemare landed right next to the G & P Tristan, who was frozen with fear. He wrapped his arm around Tristan's withers and leaned down and whispered, "Wanna go out back? You can be St. George, and I'll be the dragon."

"Neigh," the Great and Powerful Tristan said.

But he went anyways.

Waifu Thief Flash Sentry and Private Eye Twilight Sparkle Meet for Coffee. Coffee Intensifies.

"So, how was your day?" The golden-coated stallion with a far-to-fetching smile asked.

Oh, he knew how my day had been. Dark, rainy, and full of sketch dames looking to get something out of me. Something like a free job. No, not that kind of job. Dangerous, noir-type jobs like figuring out which crooked cop had paid to have their sire-in-law's dam 'put out to pasture' the hard, violent way.

"How would you like it?"

Again, like I needed to tell him. I slid my gun onto the table.

He gave it a passing glance before giving me another of those smiles. They really were nice. "C'mon, we're friends, right?"

He didn't really want to know, I was sure. I still took the coffee. Sip.

"Not strong enough."

He pouted adorably just as the lightning flashed again, sending his face into stark relief. Somehow it worked for him. Then he did something with my mug that even I, with my years of experience keeping tabs on society's shadiest elements, couldn't follow. The coffee was better, but still lacked something.

"Harder."

He did something else to it.

"I said, harder."

And something more else.

Finally it was palatable. "Good enough."

"Ugh. You're so hard to please Twilight!"

I know. He knew. We both knew. But you didn't become a daisy by spending ten years as a private eye, you only pushed them up, or you got wise. I grunted.

He reached across the table and tousled my still-damp mane.

"Gah!" I squeaked! "Don't do that, Flashy! You can't just give me a noogie like that! Now my mane's all out of order!" Unlike my filing cabinet back at the office.

"Oh, you know you like, waifu-mine!" With a swift peck to my snoot he flounced away to our kitchen, gifting me a sight I always cherished. Unf. I didn't need to be a private eye to recognize an ass when I saw one.

Berry Punch and Derpy Hooves are Shmoopy Boos.

Crash. It took mere seconds for the dainty, mail-bearing pegapone to crash tail first through the overhang of one of the more well-established street side bars that have recently begun to spring up in the sordid town of Ponyland. Given the particular products served at this certainly well-kept and irrevocably established place of selling, a certain earth pony with a penchant for consuming the souls of helpless alcoholic beverages of the bottle variety.

“Delivery for a miss, ah... Berry Punch!” The perky gray mare exclaims once she recovers from what should have been a lethal buttsplosion into the hard, hard cement. After what can only be described as a direct transition in scene, Derpy finds herself inexplicably corralled in a single-pony bed with another pony pressed against her, smelling of elderberries and drenched in a faintly coloured resin that looks awfully similar to the drink located in a package she received almost a scene ago. Looking around at the considerable mess she had gotten herself into, Derpy is forced to acknowledge the perplexing situation in the only way a mare of her confusing calibre could.

“I just wish I could remember it!”

King Sombra, Resurrected. Mrs. Cake. Slap, Slap, Kiss.

Once upon a time there was a very evil pony. His name was King Sombra and is widely regarded to have been a bad dude. But then he got fucking blown up. Pretty fucking metal really. Another time there was a woman named Mrs. Cake who was caught in a loveless marriage she didn't want to be in. So when the kids were finally out to college, Ms. Cake filed for divorce.

One day, while she was in Venison, Bitaly, having sexual relations with an Italian stallion, she got an urgent telegram from her ex-husband

Kids kidnapped. Please hurry back. miss you.

She hurried back to find that the evil king Sombra had come back to life and was indeed holding Pumpkin and Poundcake hostage at evil red glowy horn point.

"Hey, fuck face, get away from my kids."

Sombra looked up. He was entranced by the E X T R A T H I C C earth pony mare. Like you thought Derpy had a fat ass? This Fergilicious MILF had thighs for days.

Cupcake took the opportunity while he was distracted to sit on his face, smothering him. Unfortunately, he liked it. So she just beat him up instead. Unfortunately, he liked that too. So she started jogging up and down stairs to build better body mass so she could beat him up harder until it was no longer fun. But it turns out he really likes stairs as well. She even tried getting into that hippy dippy new age crystal healing shit. No dice.

She just couldn't shake him. Finally, she figured out the one thing he couldn't stand: being in a normal healthy relationship. So she married him, and it was absolute hades. God, that's really fucked up if you think about it.

But I mean you're reading this story so what did you expect?