The Rock in the Gulch

by Tatsurou

Rating: teen
Tags: Science Fiction, Comedy, Maud Pie, Slice of Life, Crossover, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other
Length: 76542

Maud is raised by Church and Blue Team, in Blood Gulch and beyond.

Captain Flowers thought it would be just another ordinary day. Be there for his men, keep the fighting to a minimum, and make sure nothing bad whatsoever happened to Church. Just like any other day in Bloodgulch.
And then the little pony appeared and refused to let go of his charge. This was going to be interesting...

---
Part of the PWNY-verse.

Another side of the story is being written by cyberlord4444, and can be found here: https://www.fimfiction.net/story/386172/rock-in-the-gulch-analysis-anarchy

Edit: New Cover Art by ProfessorCatPro
Edit 2: Fan art by Cookie_Girl! So adorable!

Published 2017-08-16 10:00:05 UTC
Last updated 2020-09-24 19:39:25 UTC

She's a Keeper

It didn't take Church long to get back to Blue Base with Maud clinging to his head, even going on foot. Distances just weren't that great in Blood Gulch when you had something to focus on. In Church's case, he was focusing on his balance and the pain from the crushed armor on his arm. The latter made it easy to focus on the former, because the last thing he wanted was to give Maud reason to cling tightly to his helmet.

Maud, for her part, stayed completely silent on the entire journey, the only sign she was even still there the occasional slight shift of weight from her turning her head to carefully examine their surroundings, and sometimes pointing something out about the rocky surroundings. "Caves," she indicated as she pointed to a plain looking part of the canyon walls.

"Really?" Church asked in surprise. "I didn't know there were caves here. Maybe Captain Flowers will approve some exploration."

"Flowers?" Maud asked curiously.

"My CO." Remembering he was talking to someone who didn't know military terminology, he added, "My commanding officer." Feeling Maud's silent confusion, he elaborated. "He's the one in charge at Blue Base. I do what he says."

"Ah," Maud allowed.

"You're...not very talkative, are you?" Church asked curiously.

"No."

"Ah, there you are Private!" Captain Flowers greeted as Church reached the base. "So that's the little pony you mentioned?"

"Yup," Church confirmed. "This is Maud. Maud, this is Captain Flowers."

"Flowers aren't rocks," Maud observed calmly.

"That they aren't!" Captain Flowers praised happily. "Such a smart little lady she is. Now, let's take a look at that ar-my god..."

Captain Flowers carefully examined the armor Church wore. While it looked like the standard armor simulation troopers wore, it was actually reinforced internally to give Church every bit of protection he could be given. He was important, after all, and it would be very bad if anything happened to him. The entire canyon was just here to protect and hide him. Captain Flowers had once worn a suit of armor very much like what Church was wearing now, and he knew just how strong it could be.

And here it was, crumpled like aluminum foil around Church's arm. It was like seeing someone punch a space ship and have the ship dent. Kinda like Texas, Flowers thought to himself. Maybe that's why she found him. He took another look at the filly. The grey, dull coloration... Kinda even looks like Texas as a pony...I think. Never saw her out of the armor...

"Captain?" Church asked worriedly. "Is...is it bad?"

Flowers returned to the moment. Plenty of time to woolgather and plan after he'd gotten things under control in the moment.

"Nothing to worry about, Church!" Captain Flowers offered expansively. "This armor's made to take a beating. It just took more from her than expected. It's a bit much for a repair kit, so I'll requisition a new one from Command...and maybe a suit of armor for the little lady, too."

"So...I have to keep her?" Church asked ruefully.

"That's an order, Private," Captain Flowers offered warmly. "She found her way to you for some reason, so this little lady is your responsibility from now on."

"Dad?" Maud asked, a slight tinge of hope to her voice.

Church gently lifted her off his head. "Yup," he allowed, his voice managing to be warm. "I guess you're my little pony, now."

Some time in the future, Michael J. Caboose pointed at Church and declared, "Ha! He said it!" for no apparent reason.

Back in the present, Captain Flowers was preparing to contact command when another soldier came in, this one in plain blue armor. "What's happening, Captain?" he asked, somehow curious and disinterested at the same time.

"There you are, Private First Class Tucker," Captain Flowers greeted warmly. "It looks like we've got a new resident here at Blue Base. Why don't you get to know her? Maud, this is Uncle Tucker. Tucker, this is Maud, Church's daughter. Have fun all of you."

Tucker looked at Maud for a time. "That's your kid?" he asked Church finally. "Who did you bang to have her? Though if you left her a little hoarse, bow-chika-bow-wow!"

"I just adopted her," Church growled irritably. "And could you please curb your crudity around her? She's a child!"

"And where do you think kids come from? Bow-chicka-bow-wow!" Tucker laughed at the joke no one else found funny. "Seriously Church, take that stick out of your a...fine, your butt. And stick it in a lady's! Bow-chicka-bow-wow!" Church growled in frustration.

Unnoticed to the pair, Maud had dropped lightly to the ground, hopped briefly on all four legs, then lifted up on her hind legs. Her fore-hooves hitting the floor with a cli-clop drew attention. "Three inches," she stated softly.

"Huh?" Tucker asked curiously. "Is that how long Church's 'stick' is? Bow-chicka-"

"That's the current clearance between my maximum jumping uppercut height and your 'stick'," Maud explained carefully. "Think about that."

Tucker blinked in surprise, then laughed dismissively. "Through this armor? Just how much damage do you think your go-"

Maud punched Tucker's ankle, shattering the metal.

"-OW MY GOD!" Tucker yelled out as he fell over, clutching at his ankle as he hit the ground. "Medic!"

"We don't have one of those Tucker!" Flowers offered warmly. "But I'm trained. Just as soon as I finish requisitioning a replacement for Church's arm armor that Maud crushed, I'll see about your ankle."

Church was grinning under his helmet. "Maud, you're going to fit right in..." She kinda reminds me of Tex, he thought to himself. Maybe I should tell her about her...maybe not. Tex probably would not be happy being saddled with the role of 'Mom', and I don't think Maud's that strong...yet...

Once he was sure he had privacy, Captain Flowers opened his comm link. "Captain Flowers to Command, over."

"Command here, this is Vic!" a voice responded almost immediately. "Go ahead, Flower-Power! What can I be doing for you today?"

Captain Flowers smiled softly. The AI controlling the computer network of Blood Gulch - and the liaison between the Gulch and the Freelancer Program - had gotten strange after he tripped over the power cord. Still, he found it much more personable this way. "I need to requisition a replacement part for Private Church's armor. The arm specifically."

"No problemo, dudorino!" VIC replied readily. "What happened, did he get it caught in a pencil sharpener?"

"Nope," Flowers responded. "Crushed by a tiny pony."

VIC let out a stuttering laugh. "You're pulling my leg, Captain! What sort of pony could be there in Blood Gulch? That place is D-E-double-D dead!"

"Check the feed," Flowers pointed out blandly. "You can see it rather easily."

"You mean that isn't an error in the footage?" VIC asked in surprise. "Then again, pretty consistent for an error. Want me to requisition some armor for her, too?"

"...not yet," Flowers allowed softly. "No need to bring this to anyone's attention unless it becomes necessary. I'm sure we can find a way to keep her safe in the meantime. Besides, her needing to be safe in the base gives me an excuse to take Church off patrols without looking like I'm unnecessarily shielding him."

"You're the boss-man, boss-man!" VIC agreed happily. "I'll just mark the damage in the report down as 'unexpected encounter with wildlife'...in that it was unexpected that there was wildlife! Catch you later, muchacho!"

With that done, Captain Flowers grabbed the med-kit and the repair-kit to go fix Tucker's ankle. Hopefully that wouldn't be too common an occurrence.

Game Called on Account of Pony

While Captain Flowers got to work fixing up Tucker's ankle, Maud turned to Church. "Caves?" she requested, a spark of hope in her eyes.

While most might have thought she was only mildly interested, Church was beginning to realize that Maud - like Tex - did not show much emotion, so the little bit she showed tended to speak volumes. The slight hint of a hopeful expression meant she was eagerly yearning to explore the caves she spotted on the way back to the base. "Say Captain, Maud spotted some caves earlier," he spoke up. "Think we could explore them? They...might provide a good assault vector against the Reds? Or maybe just a good picnic spot?" He didn't know which motivation would work better with Captain Flowers. He was an odd one for the military.

"I don't think you should be taking anyone as little as her into any caves," Flowers cautioned gently. "There's all sorts of danger in caves, after all...like snakes or bats. She might get hurt or scared."

"She crushed the arm of my armor," Church pointed out.

"And shattered my ankle!" Tucker wailed out. "Oh my poor foot!"

"And can you imagine what would happen with that strength if a bat spooked her and she kicked out at the wall underground?" Flowers pointed out. "Church, you seem to have good parenting instincts. When you'd trust her to be able to handle a gun, then you can take her into the natural caves of the canyon. Not before."

"Sir?" Church asked thoughtfully. "She has hooves. Not hands. How is she supposed to hold a gun?"

"I'm sure you'll think of something," Flowers allowed confidently. "You're a clever soldier, Church."

Noticing Maud glancing down at the ground, Church tried to press his case. "Captain, she really wants to see the caves. She...really likes rocks. I think she wants to look at all the different kinds around - and under - the canyon."

"In that case, why not take her up to the clifftops?" Flowers suggested. "Plenty of interesting rocks up there, and the views of the canyon are great! You can even see Red Base from up there."

Seeing that perked Maud up, Church nodded. "Alright. Permission to take her on an excursion to the clifftops?"

"Permission granted, Church," Flowers offered warmly. "Go have fun with your little pony."

Nodding, Church scooped Maud up in his arms before turning to leave the base. He found it odd that he naturally clutched Maud in his hands in the same way he would if he were holding a handgun or any other weapon, but it felt natural and she seemed to like it.

Church followed the cliffs around until he found a spot Maud seemed to like, with a wide ledge right about equidistant between Red Base and Blue Base. He didn't like that it was so close to what was considered Red territory, but it was the only cliff that gave a panoramic view of the entire canyon, and Maud had been quite insistent on it. Setting Maud down, he glanced out at the canyon. "So this is home, Maud," he spoke up softly. "Blood Gulch. For the next...I don't know how many years, we're going to be here, endlessly fighting with three guys in armor that isn't Blue over this meaningless canyon, because someone higher up the chain in Blue Command said to. That's our lives-" His meandering monologue was interrupted by what sounded like a jackhammer digging through concrete, muted but echoing from the clifftop right behind him. Turning, he found Maud rapidly driving her hooves into the rock wall, digging out a depression as she went. She'd already managed to get a foot deep, ten feet wide, and just under two feet high. "What are you doing?" he managed to shout loud enough for her to hear.

Maud looked up at him, her eyes soft. "Cave."

Church blinked in surprise. "So...because Captain Flowers said you couldn't go into the natural caves of the canyon...you're making an artificial one of your own for us?"

Maud nodded. "Up?" She rose up on her hind legs, showing she simply couldn't reach high enough to dig out the cave any higher than she already had on her own.

Chuckling softly, Church bent down and scooped her up, holding her at varying heights to the rocky wall. He watched in idle amusement as her hooves flew rapidly, chewing through the stone like a drill...except when she caught the occasional fragment in her teeth and chewed it like candy. She seemed especially happy - for her - whenever she found a fragment this way that contained unusual minerals, and would say so. Church simply let himself enjoy her enjoyment.

"Freeze, you damn dirty Blue!"

Church went stiff as he heard that voice. Even Maud stopping her pounding to look up at him and quietly ask, "Damn?" didn't stop the terror. He'd managed to let a Red sneak up on him. He was dead meat, and Maud probably wasn't much better off. He recognized the Red's voice from Captain Flowers' briefing. This was Sarge...and he was crazy.

"I knew you Blues were up to something when I caught sight of you at the edge of our territory when I was giving Simmons a tongue lashing for losing track of Grif!" Sarge declared intensely. "But I never would have guessed you were scouting out a place to create a hidden ammunition dump for a two-pronged assault on Red Base! Fiendishly clever of you, especially using such a quiet drill to carve it out! But I knew you'd be back, and I was waiting...waiting to strike! Now turn around slowly, and keep that mining tool pointed down so you can't use it against me."

Church turned slowly, coming face to face with the bright Red armor and the shotgun pointed right at his face now. This was not how he expected to die...and he definitely didn't want Maud to see it. She was too young for that...

Sarge glanced down and caught sight of Maud. "...that is the most adorable mining tool I've ever seen," he declared softly.

"Thanks," Maud responded blandly.

"It talks!" Sarge screamed, his shotgun sweeping down towards Maud...only to be caught by Church's unarmored hand.

"Point that thing at me all you want!" he declared intensely, knowing he didn't have the strength or leverage to actually struggle for the weapon without risking Maud getting shot. "But don't you dare point it at my daughter!"

Sarge was silent for a time before slowly lifting the gun back to point at Church's face. "Your...daughter?" he asked, plainly surprised.

"That's right," Church confirmed. "And she's a living, thinking being, not a mining tool..." He paused as Maud picked a piece of rock out of her mane, found gem fragments within it, and split it open to the gem vein with her bare hooves before licking them out like candy before crunching on the two halves. "...however effective she is as one..."

"Did...did she just eat a rock?" Sarge asked, plainly stunned.

"Yeah, I was pretty surprised by that, too," Church confirmed.

"That is so badaaaaaaaples," Sarge announced, stretching his voice out to try and hide what he actually was going to say.

"Damn?" Maud asked him curiously.

"Why didn't you tell me there was a minor with you before I started cussing you out, dam dirty Blue?" Sarge shouted angrily. He glanced down at Maud. "Dam as in the construction used to block a river, which is what I'm going to use the bodies of my Blue enemies to build, which is why it applies!" he explained firmly, as though that made perfect sense.

"If you're going to kill me...could you not do it while I'm holding her?" Church asked hopefully. "She doesn't need the memory of my blood spattering her..."

"Put her down slowly, Blue," Sarge instructed firmly.

Church carefully knelt down to put Maud on the ground before slowly standing upright, holding a stick in her place to show his unarmed status. "And...not in front of her?"

"Maud, you go on back to Blue Base now," Sarge ordered firmly. "You don't want to see what I'm about to do."

"No," Maud stated flatly.

"WHAT?" Sarge gasped in shock. "I gave you an order! This is mutiny!"

"I'm not Red," Maud pointed out logically.

"Oh...right..." Sarge 'hrrrm'ed under his breath for a time, glancing between Church, Maud, and the half dug cave behind them. Finally, he lowered his shotgun. "Nope, I just can't do it. It wouldn't be right to kill a parent right in front of their child. Not only is it cruel to the child, if they aren't destroyed emotionally by it they dedicate themselves to vengeance! And I'm pretty sure she could absolutely destroy me right now! As much as I'd love to see what that kind of natural power and talent would do if shaped over years of training with the goal of making a single individual suffer as much as humanely possible at the hooves of adorable vengeance...not if that individual is me! Do you think you two could stay right here while I go find Grif and make him kill you-"

Maud promptly punched Sarge just above his heel.

"OH MY ACHILLES!" Sarge screamed out as his leg flew out from under him and he fell to his back, clutching at the damaged armor and injury on his leg.

Maud stared at him impassively. Church watched in awe.

"...is that a no?" Sarge asked through a whimper of pain.

"Correct," Maud stated flatly. "I pulled my punch. You did not break."

"Wait...on 'Uncle Tucker' you punch full force, but you pull it on an enemy Red trying to kill me?" Church demanded in shock.

"Family should know better," Maud stated flatly.

Church groaned, shaking his head. "You are so like her..."

Impossibilities

Maud glanced back and forth between her Dad and the Red called Sarge. Sarge seemed to be rolling on the ground still clutching at his heel, the pain not having faded. Her Dad appeared to find this amusing, but also was being kind enough to dispense medical advice, if somewhat mean-spiritedly. At least, she assumed that's what he meant by loudly declaring, "Suck it, Red!" between bouts of laughter. She wondered if the suits they wore were actually flexible enough to allow Sarge to suck on his heel. Somehow she doubted it.

However, she was rapidly growing bored of watching them since nothing was happening. As such, she turned to see what she could work on in regard to her cave. She stepped inside the small indentation into the rock, just out of sight of her Dad and Sarge...

And found herself in Blue Base. That was odd. Closer inspection revealed it was not, in fact, Blue Base. The floor plan had identical dimensions to every room...but it was as though someone had placed a mirror in front of Blue Base and built the reflection to the exact detail, complete with putting it on nearly identical rock. Closer examination suggested it was at the opposite side of the canyon. The three nearby lockers - one overflowing with junk food and other things and barely holding shut, one so spotlessly immaculate it looked like it had just been manufactured, and one simply labeled 'Sarge' - confirmed her suspicions. Somehow, she was in Red Base.

This was worrisome.

Two soldiers, one in red armor the other in orange, walked through the halls of Red Base. "Hey," the one in red spoke up. "You ever wonder why we're here?"

"It's one of life's great mysteries, isn't it?" the orange clad troop responded weightily. "Why are we here? I mean...are we the product of some cosmic coincidence? Some grand plan? The whims of a mad god piecing together a cohesive world from disparate fragments of others? Do we even matter-"

"I meant more immediately," the red soldier interrupted. "Out here in this canyon."

"Oh, right," the orange soldier replied. "Yeah, no idea."

"...what was all that about god and a plan?" the red soldier asked curiously.

"Nothing, never mind," the orange soldier countered swiftly.

"Do you want to talk about it?" the red soldier inquired gently.

"Not really, Simmons," the orange soldier stated flatly. "...I think I'll just grab something out of my locker. As long as Sarge isn't here, I'm taking it easy."

"You realize that just gets us both in trouble, right Grif?" Simmons demanded crossly.

"Pretty sure we're already at the bottom of the bottom as far as being Reds," Grif countered readily. "If there's no way we can go any lower, we should just enjoy what we can at the bottom."

"Alternatively, we could do our best and try to climb back up," Simmons countered intensely.

"Have fun with that," Grif responded jokingly. "I'd say you're already in trouble for the pony that broke your perimeter. Sarge did leave you in charge of perimeter security, after all."

"Pony?" Simmons demanded crossly. "What pony?"

"Me."

Simmons glanced down and caught sight of Maud staring up at him from the floor. "Grif, there's a talking pony in the base!" he declared excitedly. "How did that happen?"

"You're asking me?" Grif demanded in surprise. "I thought I was making it up to mess with you!"

"How did you get in here?" Simmons demanded angrily.

"I stepped into my cave, and then I was here," Maud replied calmly. "It is very strange."

"You're saying you teleported?" Simmons demanded disdainfully. "I doubt that. The teleporter atop the base is still in the experimental stages, and is barely understood. The very idea of a being with a natural teleportation ability...that just doesn't seem biologically possible!" Turning away, he opened his locker to find Maud staring at him from the top shelf. "WAAUGH!"

"You don't seem biologically possible," Maud murmured softly.

"Was...was that a burn?" Grif asked in surprise. "Did she just burn you?"

"I was speaking to you," Maud responded flatly.

"How did you get up there?" Simmons demanded in shock.

"I don't know," Maud responded flatly. "I don't like it. I want Dad."

Simmons shook his head. "Look, I don't even know what you are, let alone-" He turned away as he spoke, only to catch sight of Maud standing in front of Grif's locker. "Wha?"

"I want Dad," Maud repeated firmly.

"I told you, I don't-" Simmons began.

Maud lashed out with her hind legs, kicking Grif's locker. It flew back, driving through several walls on its upward trajectory before vanishing into the sky. In the distance, a satellite - one of its stabilizing wings torn off - dropped to the ground in a fiery ball of death. "I. Want. Dad."

"...that doesn't seem physically possible..." Simmons whimpered in fear.

"Simmons," Grif began carefully, "as loath as I am to suggest working hard, I think we should drop everything and find her Dad before we learn what else she can do that should be physically impossible...say, to us?"

"I'd say that's a very good idea, Grif," Simmons agreed fearfully. "Now my little pony-"

"Not your little pony!" Maud snapped angrily, stomping her hoof down. A crack raced through the floor to the nearby door, causing it to slowly teeter over and fall flat to the ground.

Framed in the doorway was Church, clutching the bruised and battered body of Sarge, still in his armor. "Alright you Red asps!" he snapped out angrily. "One of you is responsible for making my daughter go missing, so one of you start talking before I start beating the tar out of you using your commander as a bludgeon!"

"She teleported!" Simmons squealed in fear. "Please don't hurt me! She's right here!"

"Dad," Maud spoke up warmly, looking up at Church with the smallest of smiles.

"What 'n Helllllllllll's name is going on here?" Sarge managed to groan out, stretching out the word as he spotted Maud. "Hel being the Norse Goddess of the Dead, and short for Helheim, the Norse Underworld. Not a bad word, and totally alright to swear by if you're of Nordic descent, and you can't prove I'm not at least 5% Nordic!" He then slumped to the ground in a groaning, immobile heap as Church released him.

"Maud, I was so worried about you!" Church spoke up in relief, reaching forward to scoop her up. His unarmored hand was crumpled, dripping blood and the fragments of the bones of his fingers, not that he seemed to notice. His armored hand also dripped blood and bone fragments, but those were plainly someone else's based on the holes in Sarge's armor. "Don't you go running off like that again! Why did you vanish on me like that anyway?"

"I did not know I could," Maud answered flatly, nuzzling into his faceplate.

"Then I guess I'll just have to keep a closer eye on you," Church responded warmly as he turned to walk her back to Blue Base.

Grif and Simmons stayed out of his way. "...Grif?"

"Yeah, Simmons?"

"...did you see his hand?"

"No, and I'm doing my best to keep it that way so I can eat later," Grif insisted firmly.

"But it was so-"

"Not thinking about it!" Grif interrupted.

"How was he not in agony?" Simmons demanded.

"Sheer...nerve..." Sarge managed to gasp out. "A true soldier...can work through...any pain! And no soldier...is as strong...as the angry wolf..."

"OHMYGOD!" Church's shout echoed throughout the canyon. "Why does my hand hurt so much?"

Parallels, pt 1

Captain Flowers cringed as he examined what was left of Church's gun hand. "Eeyikes..." he murmured. "You really did a number on yourself here. What the heck caused this?"

"I punched the Red guy," Church replied, his voice a whimper of pain. "Hard."

"Why didn't you at least use your armored hand-"

"I did!" Church insisted, holding up the armored gauntlet, still dripping blood.

"...and the pain of punching armor didn't stop you why?" Flowers coached gently.

"I thought he'd kidnapped Maud!" Church offered defensively. "I wasn't thinking straight."

"Well, you've certainly taken to being 'Dad' rather quickly," Flowers observed jokingly. In a mumble only for his own ears, he added, "Almost too quickly..."

"Not rock?" Maud asked curiously.

Flowers blinked as he processed that, only to realize that Maud had somehow come up with a nickname for him. "Well, this is beyond my medical training," he observed softly. "I can give you some major painkillers, and in the meantime I'll get command to send out a medical professional post haste to treat you...even if he ends up doing so by cutting the arm off and replacing it with a robotic one."

"That actually sounds kinda awesome..." Church grunted in pain. "If nothing else, it won't break next time I have to punch a Red...oh god my knuckles..."

Flowers injected the neural inhibitors into Church's arm, blocking the pain signals and releasing a relaxing euphoric sensation in his mind. "You just sit tight with your little lady while I make the call, okay? I've got Tucker on watch with instructions not to disturb you, on pain of me giving the filly a stepping stool." Church managed a laugh at that as Maud clambered onto his chest.

Leaving the two to it, Flowers stepped into a private, sound-proofed room in Blue Base, sealing the doors as he opened communications. "Captain Flowers to Command, come in VIC."

"Oh Captain my Captain, this is Vic!" Vic responded immediately. "What can I do for you, boss?"

"I need a medic," Flowers responded immediately. "Someone who specializes entirely in treating injuries. Come up with whatever explanation works to get him here today or tomorrow and not get shot by the Reds. We want to keep the stalemate after all."

"Yes-Cerritos!" Vic responded eagerly. "Got just the guy, though he's further down the list than first. Okay to skip ahead?"

"Do those ahead of him have medical training?" Flowers asked coldly.

"Well, one might, but you specified 'he'," Vic replied readily. "You didn't go and get sexist on me, did you?"

"Well no-" Flowers began, only to cut himself off. "...are you talking about Agent Texas?"

"Well aren't you the clever captain clog?" Vic answered energetically. "That's exactly who I mean!"

"Send the other guy. What's his name?"

"Medical Officer Frank DuFrense," Vic responded immediately. "Bit of a mouthful, but he should be able to help with whatever medical issue you need. How urgent is the need?"

"Private Church has a badly crushed hand and wrist, possibly extending into his arm," Flowers replied.

"The arm you needed replacement armor for?" Vic deduced. "Eeyowch! That is not going to look good on your record. Lemme see here...oh! Wyoming's got something long term going on the same planet you're on. I can have your medic there tomorrow!"

"That's...comforting," Flowers allowed, not at all certain that having Wyoming anywhere near Church was comforting...though Gamma was a different story. "While I've got you in a cooperative mood...put me through to the Counselor."

"Whoa!" Vic yelped out in shock. "You sure about that? I thought we were keeping things on the down low!"

"I don't have much to say," Flowers responded. "Just...two questions."

"Alrighty then, you're the boss," Vic replied nervously. "Patching you through."

The line went silent for a time. When the static cleared, a cultured, urbane voice that seemed to naturally pitch itself to put unaware listeners at ease - and thus put anyone aware on guard - spoke up. "What can I do for you, Agent Florida?"

"In regards to my primary assignment here in Blood Gulch, I need confirmation on certain hypothesized facts," Flowers responded carefully, doing his best to coach everything in non-specifics. "Specifically regarding something that happened recently...the reason for requesting a medic be delivered ASAP."

There was silence for a time, disturbed only by a few electronic beeps. The Counselor was plainly looking up the files. "I see. Exactly how will this information assist?"

"Before being assigned this mission, I was...fully briefed regarding my primary objective," Flowers answered, deliberately not mentioning 'Alpha', or any other fragments. "Or at least, as fully briefed as I could be with available information."

"You believe the information to be incomplete?" Counselor asked, surprise adding a pleasing tinge to his voice.

"I have a theory," Flowers responded simply. "I believe speaking said theory would be contrary to my primary mission, but confirmation of said theory is paramount."

"I trust your judgement, Agent Florida," Counselor responded warmly. "I will answer what I can, but that is not much."

"Can you confirm or deny two assumptions?" Flowers asked.

"...that I can do," Counselor confirmed.

"The Director's marital status: Widower. Parental Status: Estranged. Both occurring prior to the aspect of the Project that led to Alpha."

The Counselor was dead silent for a long time. "You believe there may be an additional fragment unaccounted for within the original?" he deduced in amazement. "One connected to parenting instincts?"

"I take that as a confirmation," Flowers deduced firmly, neither confirming nor denying the inquiry.

The Counselor remained silent for a time. "You have not reported the cause of these inquiries through proper channels."

"Nor do I intend to."

"...your primary mission remains unchanged," the Counselor concluded. "Continue to exercise your best judgement in regard to said mission, and any information. Short of imminent failure of the mission, however...do not circumvent the Command communications again."

"Understood, sir," Flowers confirmed as the communication was cut. He hadn't expected the Counselor to support him, but the answers confirmed what he needed to know. Multiple theories were confirmed now.

He'd wondered why the only thing he'd been warned about regarding the Church/Jimmy situation was that they didn't know what would happen to Church if Jimmy died. They already seemed to know what would happen in just about any other situation. Plainly, the procedure wasn't untested...

Parallels, pt 2

Maud sat silently on Church's chest, staring into his faceplate without expression. Even with no emotion on her face, however, Church could feel her worry for him in the way she seemed to vibrate with tension. He knew he needed to distract her, preferably sooner and with something that would last long enough that he'd be too loopy from the pain killers for her to be worried...or for him to notice her worry. "It's gonna be okay, Maud," he assured her hopefully. "I'm going to be just fine. I promise." He started to lift his uninjured hand to stroke her mane, but quickly stopped when he spotted it was still red. "...maybe I should wash before I pet..."

"Her?" Maud asked suddenly.

"Her who?" Church asked in confusion.

"So like her?" Maud clarified. "Her?"

"Oh...ooohhh..." Church groaned as he realized what Maud was talking about. While he didn't really want to talk about her just yet, he did want to keep Maud distracted. "Well...I was talking about Agent Texas. She's...well, she's my ex-girlfriend."

"Ex?" Maud pressed, her tone showing the slightest hints of curiosity.

"Yeah, ex," Church confirmed.

"Why ex?"

"I..." Church hesitated, trying to search his memory...only to find there wasn't much to search through. "I honestly don't know. I had a bit of an accident here not long ago, and it gave me some memory loss. I...slipped on a wet spot on the floor. At least, that's what Captain Flowers tells me."

"Ex?" Maud inquired carefully.

"I...I think the memory loss might go before the incident," Church continued. "I don't remember much before then...but I remember Tex coming to me when I couldn't remember anything and...telling me we used to be together. She told me to get some rest, so I'm pretty sure she still cares about me. She just...doesn't show it well. She's great in combat, but the gentler side of things is...difficult for her."

"Like me?" Maud asked softly.

"A little, yeah," Church confirmed. "You're incredibly - I'd almost say insanely - strong, and have some freaky abilities...but you don't show much emotion." Noticing Maud's eyes start to drop, he pushed himself up slightly with his good arm to stare at her. "That's not a bad thing, though!" he insisted comfortingly. "It's just...different. Like Tex is different."

"Tex?"

"Yeah...kind of a nickname," Church explained. "Though I'm pretty sure Agent Texas is a code name..." He lay back, shrugging his shoulders. "I just wish I could remember why we aren't together anymore...why she left me..."

"She left?" Maud asked, a tinge of surprise in her voice.

"...yeah, I'm pretty sure of that," Church confirmed. "I...it's hard to remember but...I remember being upset that she didn't say goodbye. She doesn't like goodbyes, don't know why."

Maud was silent for a time as she turned this over in her mind. Eventually, she shifted to a different point. "Violent?"

"Huh?" Church asked curiously.

"Punch Uncle Tucker," Maud explained. "Punch Red. So like her. Violent?"

Church chuckled softly. "Yeah, Tex can be pretty violent. Like I said, she's a natural on the battlefield. I remember the last time I saw her on the field. I was based...somewhere cold and snowy, not sure of much beyond that just now. I was talking with Private Jimmy and she showed up out of nowhere. Slaughtered the entire unit, even beat Jimmy to death with his own skull!"

Maud's eyes widened in surprise. "You can do that?" she asked in audible awe.

"I can't, but Tex pulled it off," Church replied readily.

"Can I?" Maud asked curiously, looking at her hoof.

"Maybe someday," Church told her, glad to see she'd forgotten about his injured state for the moment. "Anyway, it was her mission to kill the whole unit, I guess...but she didn't hurt me. So I know she still cares. She's a Freelancer, so she does what she's assigned to do without questions or loyalties, and she's efficient and vicious when she does."

"Mom?" Maud asked, a bit of hope in her voice.

Church hesitated. He definitely didn't want to say 'Yes' and have Tex tear into him for it...but he couldn't say 'No' and disappoint Maud, either. "If she ever shows up here, you ask her," he settled on finally. "Just...don't be surprised if she says no. Like I said, she's not much for being touchy-feely."

At that moment, Captain Flowers entered the room leading a man in purple armor holding a strange device that looked like a gun, but one not designed by human hands. On closer inspection, it actually looked like an oddly shaped black magnet with lights at the front end. The man in purple held it at the curve with one hand, his other hand bracing it from beneath. "You're in luck, Private!" Captain Flowers declared happily. "Turns out there was a Medic en route elsewhere within range to be diverted, and Command OKed my request to divert him here."

"Medical Officer Frank DuFrense, reporting for medical duty at Blood Gulch Outposts One and Alpha," the man in purple greeted happily. "I'll just be around treating anyone who gets injured, whichever side and-holy fudge crackers!" This last was in response to Church lifting his injured arm. "How are you still moving that?"

"Painkillers, Doc," Church responded as he felt himself starting to get a little loopy. "Loooots of painkillers."

Frank knelt down, pointing his device at the arm. "Let's see now...eeyikes..." He stared at the device as the front end glowed an odd shade of green. "Looks like compound fractures of every bone in your hand, wrist, and lower arm...twisted muscles and tendons...the only thing keeping all the severed arteries from pouring all your blood out is that they're also crushed further up the arm...and every one of your nails is torn out. What did you do?"

"Punched through a Red's armor bare handed," Church gasped out as the energy from the scanner made his body tense as it reactivated nerves.

"What under the sun would make you try-"

"Not try," Church interrupted proudly. "Succeeded!"

"WHY?" Frank clarified.

"...thought he'd hurt Maud here," Church explained.

"Silly Dad," Maud offered, slight affection audible in her voice as she patted Church's faceplate.

"O...kay then," Frank continued. "Looks like the only option here is to cut the arm off and replace it with a cybernetic one. Luckily, I happen to have one with me, so that shouldn't take more than an hour. In the meantime, I might want to check everyone else over." Turning, he pointed the scanner at Captain Flowers, and it once more glowed green. "Hmm...looks like you're in perfect health, Captain!"

"That's good to hear!" Flowers declared warmly.

"Both green?" Maud asked in confusion.

"But different shades of green!" Frank explained as he pointed the scanner at her. "Different shades of green mean...different...things..." He stared at the end of the scanner, glowing bright pink as it pointed at Maud. "...I have no idea what that means. It's never done that before."

Maud shrugged, losing interest in the device. "Doc?"

"My name's not Doc," Frank pointed out. "It's Medical Officer Frank DuFrense."

Maud held her forelegs out wide, spreading them as Frank spoke his full name and title. She then brought her hoofs together to point to her very small mouth. "Doc," she repeated firmly.

"...she's never going to call me anything other than Doc, is she?" 'Doc' asked ruefully.

"Probably not," Church allowed.

Doc sighed ruefully. "Very well, Doc it is. What can I do for you?"

"Can I borrow your skull?" Maud asked.

"Uh...why?"

"To beat you to death."

Doc stared at her for a time. "I'm...pretty sure it's physically impossible for anyone to do that."

"Mom can."

"Oh..." Church began, wanting desperately to curse at the fact Maud had insisted on thinking of Tex as Mom, but not wanting to curse in front of Maud. Unable to think of any good substitute curse words with the drugs fogging his mind, he eventually settled on the first that came to mind. "...crapbaskets..."

"Oh, you say that too," Doc observed idly.

Medical Advisory

"And that should do it!" Doc finished as he pulled back from Church's arm. "Now, I wouldn't go using it to punch anything until the replacement arm armor comes in, but your cybernetic arm is ready to go."

Church lifted the arm, examining it as he stared at the flesh. "Doesn't look or feel any different," he observed idly.

"It shouldn't," Doc explained. "Spec for spec, it's identical to your old arm...except far easier to repair if it breaks again, and unlikely to threaten your life if it gets damaged to that level again. But...try and avoid that? I'm a medical officer, not a mechanic."

"Right," Church allowed, reaching over to pet Maud who was sitting nearby. "Still, you should see the other guy."

"As a matter of fact, I should," Doc agreed as he got to his feet. "I'm providing medical service to both Reds and Blues here, whoever needs it, so as long as 'the other guy' is still breathing, I should see what I can do for him."

"No rush," Church offered jokingly as Doc turned to head across the canyon.

"I go too?" Maud asked curiously.

"Now why would you want to go with Doc?" Captain Flowers inquired curiously.

"Not get shot?" Maud indicated worriedly.

"Well, if you stay here you won't get shot-" Flowers began.

"You're worried the Reds will shoot him because he's coming from our Base?" Church deduced incisively. "Oh, sorry for interrupting sir."

"No, that's very good, Church," Flowers complimented, having seen Maud nod to the deduction. "However, I don't think you need to worry about Doc, Maud. I'm pretty sure the only Red who might shoot first and ask questions later is the one Doc is heading to treat."

"Okay," Maud allowed, cuddling tight to Church's side.

Grif and Simmons stared at the bruised, bleeding, groaning form of Sarge as he lay on the broken door of their base before them. "Uh...what do we do now?" Simmons asked worriedly. "I don't know how to function without orders!"

"Well as I understand it, an absence of orders means we keep doing what we were doing when last we had orders," Grif began logically.

"...wow Grif," Simmons spoke up in surprise. "I'm rather proud of your work ethic. I honestly thought you'd say that being without orders meant you were supposed to stuff your face and take a nap."

"Which is what I was doing when last I had orders," Grif replied logically.

"And pride is gone," Simmons muttered irritably.

"...Medic..." Sarge groaned from the floor.

"I don't suppose you have medical training?" Simmons asked Grif.

"Only mouth to mouth," Grif answered cautiously.

"Come near...my face..." Sarge groaned angrily. "And I...will bite...your eyes out!"

"And I'm pretty sure he doesn't need that," Grif continued quickly. "Pretty sure 'talking' is a good sign they don't need mouth to mouth."

"Well all I know is the Heimlich Maneuver!" Simmons declared worriedly. "I seriously doubt if more compression is any good for him in this state!"

"Well what do you expect me to do?" Grif demanded crossly. "Toss him a Senzu Bean?"

"I've actually got a few of those!" a new voice spoke up, catching their attention.

Doc stepped carefully over the broken door. "Well, the equivalent thereof. Bone regeneraters, cellular accelerators, muscle boosters...nearly as good as a Senzu, if not viable in all situations." He carefully stepped over Sarge. "So who's the corpse, and where's my patient?"

"I still...function..." Sarge managed to gasp out.

"The 'corpse' is your patient," Grif pointed out gruffly.

"Not for long, without my help!" Doc spoke up worriedly as he knelt down beside Sarge. He held out his device, which glowed green. "Let's see...several broken bones, several contusions...yikes! Armor fragments embedded in flesh and bone, and a good amount of blood loss. Church wasn't kidding about doing a number on you."

"...Church?" Sarge gasped out as Doc began pulling out various devices.

"Yeah, I just came from treating him," Doc explained. "Had to replace his arm with a cybernetic one-"

"Can I get one too?" Sarge demanded eagerly, pushing himself up eagerly to look Doc in the eye. "That turns into a chainsaw! No, a shotgun! No...a shotgun with a chainsaw for a bayonet!" Sarge marveled in the mental image for a time before falling to the floor in agony. "Damn my organs..."

"Actually, I'm reading a surprisingly low amount of organ damage," Doc observed. "I should have you back on your feet in a matter of hours. So no cybernetic limb for you, sorry."

"I'll cut off my own arm if it'll get me one!" Sarge declared hotly.

"I'd just reattach it," Doc answered easily. "Besides, I'm fresh out."

"Blasted Blues getting the best of everything," Sarge grumbled as Doc began his treatment. "The cybernetic arm, the pony..."

"Excuse me," Simmons interrupted diffidently. "I don't believe we got your name."

"Yeah Doc, who are you?" Grif demanded.

Doc sighed ruefully. "Medical Officer Frank DuFrense...but you can just call me Doc. That's what the pony calls me, so I know it's going to stick."

"The pony?" Sarge asked insistently. "You work for the pony?"

"I...wouldn't put it that way-" Doc began nervously, a trifle intimidated by Sarge's sudden intensity.

"And you treat Reds and Blues, do you?" Sarge demanded incisively.

"Yes," Doc replied helpfully. "I treat anyone who needs medical attention."

Sarge sank back in thought for a time. Just as Doc finished treating him, Sarge leapt to his feet. "I've got it!"

"Got what, sir?" Simmons asked hopefully.

"I know what we're doing here!" Sarge declared eagerly. "I know what Command is planning! They knew the pony would show up...and she's a brand new Superweapon! This battle between Reds and Blues isn't about control of the canyon, it's about control of the pony! Whoever holds Maud holds the key to victory!"

"She's pretty attached to Private Church," Doc pointed out. "Calls him Dad."

"Then we just need to convince her that Reds are better than Blues!" Sarge declared hotly. "Shouldn't be too hard. Reds are inherently better! Otherwise, why else would the Blues be getting first pick of medical if not to even the playing field? All we need to do is get Maud here for a while without the Blues or her kicking up a fuss!"

"And how are we going to do that?" Grif demanded sourly. "Ask nicely?"

"Never!" Sarge countered angrily. "But that is surprisingly close! Command has provided the solution by sending a medic that will treat both sides! If we're to gain Maud on our side, we have to do it - as much as it pains me to say it - without killing the Blues! Otherwise we'll just have her gunning for anything red like an angry bull with superhuman strength and giant guns!"

"Do you mean to arrange some sort of non-lethal contest between us and our mortal enemies for custody of the pony, sir?" Simmons gasped in shock.

"Precisely, Simmons!" Sarge declared smugly. "However, if I'm to do that, then I need to meet with the Blue leader to...parley." He shuddered at the last word. "The sacrifices I make for the Red cause..."

It's Stale, Mate

Captain Flowers stood atop Blue Base, keeping an eye out through his sniper scope for anything unusual. This was supposed to be the easy part of the job, keeping the Reds and Blues from killing each other. Just keep watch and make sure everything works out fine. He'd even been prepared for the possibility of a Scenario being run here, if only to keep certain Freelancers from looking at the books and wondering why this set of Sim Troopers never ran a Sim. But Maud was definitely not part of any simulation, and had thrown things for a loop. He was going to be the first to see anything else not to script that showed up so he could deal with it before it latched onto his charge again. He was going to keep control. He was...

...going to wonder why Sarge was marching out to the exact center of the canyon carrying the Red flag in one hand and his shotgun in the other. He came to a stop, lifted his hands to his mouth...and seemed to be shouting something, but it didn't carry. Thankfully, Flowers had the comm frequency to every trooper here, so it was easy to open the channel.

"-LEY!"

Flowers winced. He probably should have waited until between shouts. "You...do know we can open communications to the enemy, right?" he asked easily. "To trade insults, discuss terms of surrender, or to-"

"PARLEY!" Sarge screamed out again.

"Yes, that-" Flowers jerked his head up. "Wait...are you saying you want to parley with me?"

"I want to parley with the Blue leader!" Sarge responded loudly. "Get him out here, with the flag!"

Flowers thought that over for a bit. "And how do I know-"

"And don't bring the pony!" Sarge added loudly. "Or the wolf!"

"...okay, he's being sincere," Flowers deduced as he went back into the base to grab the flag. "Though I'll have to ask Tucker if he got a pet without telling me. Not that I'll mind, but I don't want it eating Maud...or vice versa, for that matter."

It didn't take long for Captain Flowers to meet up with Sarge with the Blue flag. "So...what can I do for you, Sarge?" he asked neighborly.

"I want the pony," Sarge stated flatly.

"I'm...pretty sure she'll say no to that," Flowers pointed out logically.

"I want your help to get her to say yes!"

Flowers stared at Sarge in silence, hoping something that sounded like sense would come out of his mouth at some point.

"There is absolutely no strategic value to this canyon, no matter how you look at it, except to say it's ours!" Sarge insisted. "As much as I'd be perfectly happy with the answer to 'why are we here' being 'to kill Blues', plainly it's something of even greater significance! The one thing this canyon has that nowhere else has...is that pony! We are here for the pony! We are to fight over the pony! He who holds the pony holds the key to an all new form of warfare! The time has come...to weaponize cute!"

It appeared to Flowers he would be waiting in vain. However 'logical' Sarge's deductions were, they most definitely were nonsense. "I'm pretty sure Maud wouldn't like it if you took her away from Private Church. She sees him as her Father."

"I'm not about to cross that Papa Wolf unprepared again!" Sarge insisted. "I still feel those punches!"

"Oh...that's what you meant by wolf," Flowers allowed. "But I don't see-"

"We should fight each other! Red vs Blue!" Sarge insisted.

At some point in the future, Caboose called out, "Ha! He said it too!" for no apparent reason. For some reason, this made the Maud of that time very happy, though it was hard to tell.

"...and this requires a parley...why?" Flowers asked carefully, glad he'd brought a combat knife instead of the sniper rifle. The flag could also be an effective weapon...

"So we can find a way to do it without killing each other!" Sarge snapped out.

"I...beg your pardon?" Flowers asked curiously.

"We have to be fighting!" Sarge insisted. "We're Reds and Blues. That's how it has to be! So if we're going to be fighting over Maud, let's formalize it so she'll go along with it! Every week, we have a Capture the Flag skirmish, winning team has Maud at their base till the next game. This continues until Maud's old enough to join in!"

"And you want it non-lethal because...?" Flowers coached.

"Because that pony scares the shiiii-"

"She's nowhere near here," Flowers pointed out.

"She teleports!" Sarge insisted. "That's part of why she scares the shitake mushrooms out of me and my men! We need to do this in a way that doesn't have her trying to play jumprope with our entrails as vengeance for hurting her Father!"

"I see," Flowers allowed, taking the suggestion in. The more he turned it over in his mind, the more appealing it was. "I like this plan!" he offered warmly. Not only did it give Church combat training without putting him in danger, it made it look like the focus of Blood Gulch was Maud and not Church, not the Alpha, which could only be good for the long run. "And I think I know just the way it can work."

"You do?" Sarge demanded eagerly. "Good! Cause I was at my wits end!"

"I happen to know of a particular training ammunition that locks up someone wearing this armor when hit enough to mimic taking a disabling shot, while also providing additional shielding to the one hit once they're immobilized," Flowers explained. "Works like paint balls. If we requisition a supply of those, we could skirmish with them without hurting each other, and Doc could easily scrape us clean after the match."

"Excellent!" Sarge declared excitedly. "I'll requisition the same from Red Command for 'training purposes', and we can get started. Now it's your job to convince Maud to go along with it!"

Flowers sighed as he turned to go look for Church. "Yeah, I always get the hard jobs..."

Insubordinariation

"You want me to what?"

Captain Flowers winced at Private Church's intensity, though this wasn't visible through his helmet. "It's a good, workable idea, Private," Flowers explained gently. "It means there won't be any casualties on either side, and will be excellent combat training for everyone involved."

"That's my daughter you're talking about putting up as a prize!" Church snapped back angrily. "And she's barely old enough to talk! And you want to just make her a prize for whoever wins a fight, while she watches us shoot at each other? Are you insane?"

And it's you who's asking, Flowers thought to himself. "Private, before we go any further, I'd like to approach this in a different way. At the moment, it's just a suggestion and a plan, so your refusal is just a disagreement. Now what if it were an order?"

"Then I'd kill you where you stand," Church countered flatly.

Flowers actually took a step back from the sheer intensity of Church's words, and from the completely emotionless way he said it. Had he sounded more feminine, I'd have thought it was Texas...or Carolina, he thought to himself. It must run in the family. "I honestly believe you," Flowers responded readily. "And I honestly believe you'd be capable of it...which is why it's a good thing it's not going to be an order, since I'd hate to have you brought up on mutiny and murder charges. That would hardly be good for Maud."

Seeing Church glance down at that, he knew the tack he would have to approach things from. "But let's look at things from that perspective, shall we?" he pressed. "You are plainly effective in combat, especially when you think or feel her safety is on the line...but just as plainly you don't take care of yourself in the process." He looked pointedly at Church's cybernetic arm. "We're all out of replacement limbs, after all. How long of that, protecting her alone, would you last?"

"I..." Church began, unsure what to say.

"As you said, she's barely old enough to speak," Flowers confirmed. "She needs to have her Father around a lot longer than that. Which means she needs more protectors than just you, especially with how reckless you are with yourself."

"I...I guess you're right," Church allowed worriedly. "But...who can I ask?"

"Well I count five potential helpers right here in this canyon," Flowers offered warmly.

"Five?" Church asked in confusion. "But there's only the three of us."

"And the three Reds," Flowers confirmed. "And that's the beauty of this plan. Not only does it keep all of us in peak condition and skill to protect Maud, it gives the Reds a chance to get to know her and become as charmed by her as you have...and that after less than a week." More proof to my theory of parental affection being the one 'fragment' still inside you, he added silently. He then continued aloud, "And it would be easy enough to convince Sarge to agree that the Reds will work with us to protect Maud from any threat that isn't Red that comes after her for as long as she needs protection...which will be agreed as when you feel she's ready for guns."

"Well...I guess that all makes sense," Church allowed reluctantly. "But how do we know they'll keep their word?"

"Because according to Sarge, all three of them are abjectly terrified that Maud will play jump rope with their intestines if they break their word," Flowers answered readily. "She's already trying to 'be like Mommy' as far as beating people to death with their own skulls, after all." He glanced around nervously. "Where is she, anyway?"

"With Doc," Church responded readily. "He's trying to figure out what pink means on his medical scanner."

"Well, there you have it," Flowers allowed. "I'd count him as a protector, but he's a strict pacifist. So what do you say?"

"Well...I'll talk to her," Church allowed. "No guarantees."

"All I can ask," Flowers allowed happily. "Let me know what she says."

Maud stared up at her father curiously. He'd taken her aside for a private chat, but hadn't said anything yet. So far, he'd just knelt before her looking like he was struggling with something. "Dad?" she asked worriedly.

"Maud...what do you think of the Reds?" he asked finally.

Maud tilted her head in confusion. "Why?"

"It's...it's important."

Maud thought about the three she'd met who were dubbed 'Red'. One was loud, one was squeaky, and one was heavy set. None had been helpful when she had wound up in Red Base without meaning to, but they had made funny noises when she'd made her demands. They were scared of her. "Is Mom scary?"

"Tex?" Church asked in surprise. "Oh yeah, she's terrifying when she wants to be! But why-"

"The Reds are scared of me," Maud explained simply. "I like that."

Church managed a chuckle. "Well, how would you like it if you could go anywhere you wanted in the canyon?"

"Yes," Maud agreed firmly. She would like that very much.

"Well, there's a way to do that," Church explained. "Would you like to see us using guns?"

"Dad...hurt?" Maud asked, her eyes quivering slightly as she frowned.

"Nope, none of us will get hurt. That's a guarantee."

Maud thought about that for a time. "...I get gun?"

"When you're old enough," Church allowed.

Maud thought some more. "Explain?"

"The Red leader really likes you," Church explained. "He'd like an opportunity to convince you to like him, and the best way he thinks to do that would be a situation where you agreed to spend time in Red Base. But being him, he wants to earn it. So we're going to have a mock battle once a week where nobody dies, and you stay at the Base of the winner until the next battle. If you agree."

"Dad?" Maud demanded insistently.

"I'll make sure it's agreed that we can always see each other," Church promised. "You can make more friends. Besides, as gorgeous as you are now, you might as well get used to guys fighting over you. You're going to have plenty of that when you're growing up."

Maud looked up at him for a time...and a small smile graced her face.

"...yup, just like Tex..." Church murmured idly.

Extraordernary

"So those are the terms that have been added," Captain Flowers told Sarge plainly as they met under the newly crafted 'Purple Pony Truce Flag' that Doc was holding, marking the area of the canyon that was dictated to be neutral, negotiation ground. "Is this acceptable?"

"Hmm..." Sarge thought for a time. "Well, I can certainly agree that it is wrong to keep a child that young from their parent...and we will phrase it that way exactly in the agreement. At no time will Maud be prevented from seeing those she sees as parents, nor will those she dubs as parents be prevented from seeing her."

"I see you leave the door open for the possibility she might choose someone else as a parent," Flowers observed. "I somehow doubt it, but then again that is your long term objective here, isn't it?"

"Then we're in agreement?" Sarge asked firmly.

"Absolutely," Flowers agreed. "Doc's already placed orders for enough training rounds to supply both teams for quite some time, no matter what weapons we use."

"I have?" Doc asked surprised, until he saw the way Flowers was gripping his weapon. "I mean, yes, I have!" Doc had no doubt the rounds would get here, and he would just have to take credit for ordering them...for his own sake. Having been brought here by one Freelancer, he knew what one looked like...and they were terrifying.

"Now about the first match..." Flowers began carefully.

"The day after the ammunition arrives and is distributed!" Sarge declared firmly.

"That...doesn't give the troops much time to train..." Flowers pointed out.

"They had their basic training!" Sarge insisted firmly. "Why should they need further training to use training rounds?"

"...fair enough," Flowers allowed warmly. "But while we're waiting for the ammunition to arrive, why don't we try having the troops getting to know each other? I mean, if we'll be in and out of each other's bases-"

"Negatory!" Sarge countered firmly. "The only time we'll be talking to each other is when Maud transfers bases, and then only to her Father! Oh, and if the team that doesn't have Maud loses, they have to pay a forfeit to get their flag back!"

"That sounds like a nice little incentive to excel," Flowers agreed. "Now we just need to wait for the ammunition to arrive-"

"Sir!" Simmons voice cut through on the communicators. "A massive supply of training ammunition just arrived on base!"

"Uh...Captain?" Private Church asked on the Blue band. "Uh...where am I supposed to put all these crates to keep Maud away from them? She thought they were rocks and took a bite of one...and now Tucker's fused to the far wall of the canyon by a massive amount of what looks like crystallized paint splatter."

"Oh my everything..." Tucker added in a groan.

"High noon tomorrow!" Sarge declared firmly as he ran off. "No shots fired before then...and I'll be seeing you begging for mercy by 1300 hours, you dam dirty Blue!"

"...at least I know how to break down the training paint..." Flowers thought to himself as he turned to head to his own base.

At 1100 hours, both bases were in full prep mode for the training battle to come. Everyone knew what they were supposed to be doing...though some understood it less than others. "Sir?" Church asked in confusion. "Why did you assign me as the sniper?" He held the sniper rifle he'd been given nervously.

"Yeah!" Tucker complained. "You said next time, I got the sniper rifle!"

"I said next time we went on a scouting run," Flowers corrected. "And Church has the sniper rifle because he has the best eyes and the fastest reflexes on the team, not to mention is the calmest under pressure after me. So I want him at a high vantage point acting as our spotter, and only taking a shot if he spots someone we aren't taking care of. Understand?"

"So no firing into melee," Church confirmed. "Yeah, I can do that. Pretty sure I can handle a sniper rifle."

"I have full confidence in you!" Captain Flowers confirmed.

At 1200 hours, everyone was in position and the fight began. Church was actually at the very vantage point where he'd first encountered Sarge, the cave Maud had been making behind him. He stared through the rifle as he took in the area, guiding his fellows. "Tucker, the nerdy red guy is close to your position, but he isn't aware of you yet," he said through the comms. "If you're careful, you can get the drop on him. A couple dozen yards north, seven west, six down."

"On it," Tucker declared in response. "Hope Maud's watching. Chicks dig men of action, you know."

"...she's barely out of diapers," Church pointed out flatly. "Metaphorically speaking. And a completely different species from you."

"And the only source of estrogen in this entire canyon, and this is likely to be a very protracted assignment," Tucker countered. "I can be patient."

Church sighted through the rifle, taking aim at Tucker's head. He could always claim a misfire, after all...

"Tucker," Flowers said through the comms, "remember what Church did to Sarge?"

"...right, shutting up sir."

"Thanks Captain," Church offered warmly. "By the way, the Red Leader's pretty close to your position, and it looks like he's got something nasty planned. Pretty sure he knows you're there. Just northeast of the cave in your line of sight."

"The cave, huh?" Flowers murmured. "Okay, I got this. Keep an eye out for Grif, the orange one."

"I thought he was yellow?" Church asked in confusion.

"I thought he was bronze," Tucker offered.

"I thought he was fat," Maud pointed out from behind Church.

"...did you just teleport again?" Church asked curiously.

"Maybe."

"...well, okay you can stay," Church allowed as he searched for Grif. "But if any of the Reds attack this position, you get out."

"Okay."

"Aha!" Church declared as he caught sight of Grif. "I've got you now, Red..." He pulled the trigger, and hit the innocent boulder several dozen yards behind Grif. "Okay, I was a little high there..." His next shot killed the innocent shrub several feet ahead and to one side. "Okay, overcorrected..." He continued to fire, each shot going so wide that Grif apparently decided to stand perfectly still until Church ran out of ammo and had to reload. "Dam it!" Church snapped angrily as he switched magazines. "Why can't I hit him?"

"Stop trying," Maud suggested.

"You saying I should give up?" Church demanded harshly.

"No. Do it."

"I'm trying!" Church growled angrily.

"Don't try. Be."

"...I have no idea what that's supposed to mean," Church pointed out.

"If you fail, they take me," Maud pointed out. "Breathe."

If you fail, they take me. Those words echoed in Church's head. He tried to clear his mind as he breathed in.

Everything around him seemed to slow to a crawl. Grif had started moving forward again, and he seemed to freeze in mid stride. Church shifted the rifle, his own movement slow but not as slow as the world around him. A line of light traced from the barrel of the sniper rifle, showing the path of the bullet. When it lined up with where he saw Grif's head would be when the bullet got there, he pulled the trigger. He watched the bullet slowly leave the barrel, gave it two inches of clearance, then swung to the next target.

Flowers was about to step into the caves. Sarge was about to leap out of them. The angle left a millimeter clearance between the size of the round and hitting Sarge's rock shelter or Flowers' head. He found the clearance. He pulled the trigger. Two inches out, he swung to the third target.

Tucker was leaping down in an attempt to catch Simmons off guard. Simmons had heard him yell, sweeping his weapon up. Tucker was going to be hit. Part of Tucker's anatomy was in the path of the ideal shot. It would classify as non-lethal. It was acceptable. He pulled the trigger. The bullet left the barrel. Church began to exhale.

"Fudge crackers!" Grif screamed out as the shot took him in the head and sent him sprawling.

"WAH!" Flowers screamed as the bullet whizzed by so close he felt the passage.

"Great googly moogly!" Sarge cried out almost immediately after as he fell on his back, his helmet covered in paint.

"My pride!" Tucker screamed out as he was hit.

"My dignity!" Simmons wailed as he was hit with more than just the paint spray.

Church blinked as he took in what had just happened. "...how the furry sprinkles did I just do that?" he asked wonderingly. And why did I say furry sprinkles? he added silently. I was trying to say fucking shit.

"That's...certainly something to investigate," Flowers allowed. "But for now, I think the MVP should go grab the Red flag, wouldn't you say?"

"Wow..." Church murmured in awe. "Thanks Captain!"

"This is unpleasant and humiliating..." Simmons complained as he was dragged haltingly across the ground.

"This is not how teabagging works!" Tucker complained as he struggled to waddle along with the crotch of his armor fused to Simmons' face plate.

Further Preparations

Church stared at the training dummy Flowers had set up for his training in melee combat. He was armed with a sheathed knife that would register strikes on the dummy without damaging it and nothing else. A few strikes of fist and blade helped him to familiarize himself with the combat method, though an attempt at kicking left him flat on his butt. "Donkey doodle!" he swore...sort of. "What the shell is going on with my vocabulary?" he demanded angrily. "It's pupping annoying!"

"What's wrong?" Tucker asked as he stepped in, no longer fused to Simmons' faceplate. "Too much of a 'good Dad' to teach your kid a few swear words?"

"...what do you want, Tucker?" Church groused as he got back up.

"Just wondering if you're as tough without the rifle," Tucker taunted, shifting into a combat stance with his own sheathed knife. "Sure, you're impressive when you think Maud's in danger, but she's not right now, is she?"

"You did imply-" Church began.

"Geeze, can't you take a joke?" Tucker demanded aggressively. "I'm just yanking your chain, man. I freely admit to being a pig, a lech, a creep, and a total sleazeball when it comes to the opposite sex, and my preferred sense of humor is about as lowbrow as it gets...but I have standards. Maud doesn't fall into the over-under threshold, so I'm not about to seriously consider anything like that with her."

"I'm almost afraid to ask..." Church responded as he shifted into his combat stance. "The over-under threshold?"

"Over 16, under 60," Tucker responded readily. "I'll only consider pursuing that sort of relationship with a girl if she's over 16 the first time I see her, and presently under 60. Otherwise it's just creepy."

"...uh..." Church began awkwardly.

"By my standards," Tucker added pointedly. "Don't be such a prude, dude! Besides, aren't you the one who convinced Maud to accept this by saying she needed to get used to the idea of guys fighting over her? You think you can protect her from that kind of talk forever?"

"She's maybe two or three, developmentally," Church countered pointedly.

"Exactly!" Tucker countered readily as they began to circle each other. "Get her used to the idea that guys talk like that, and she won't be thrown off when they start talking about her like that when she hits puberty, and will be able to respond appropriately. With a kick to the shins, or possibly somewhere higher."

Church stopped his movements. "Wait...you're saying your completely inappropriate behavior earlier is your idea of protecting her?"

"Well I am Uncle Tucker," Tucker allowed logically. "If she's gonna see me as family, I'm gonna act like family...and be the Uncle everybody else wishes didn't spend as much time with the kid. Helps keep her safe from players who don't have morals, and cuts down on my-"

As he'd kept moving as he talked, he now spun around Church before grabbing him under the arms and suplexing him head first into the floor before rolling away.

"-responsibilities," Tucker finished. "By the way, you really need to stay more combat aware. Also, now we're even for the crotch shot."

"...duly noted..." Church groaned as he lay back, rubbing his head through his helmet.

Once the paint had crumbled away, Sarge had immediately sent a call to his men to gather back at Red Base. Simmons had arrived first, and Sarge was now pacing and fuming as he waited for Grif to arrive. They had been soundly defeated - not just defeated, but routed - by the hated Blue menace, and had failed to achieve the goal of claiming the pony for a week! That meant they would have to go, helmet in hands, to ask the Blues for permission to spend time with the adorable engine of destruction, carnage, and physics defying shenanigans. It was totally galling!

As he caught sight of the orange armor, he immediately leapt into his rant. "That was absolutely disgraceful, men!" he declared at the top of his voice. "We were defeated, nay routed, by the hated Blue menace! On top of that, we've failed to claim the pony! Now I'm going to have to parley with the Blue leader again if I want to spend any time with that sweet, tiny, adorable engine of destruction, carnage, and physics defying shenanigans! And it's all your fault, Grif!"

"My fault?" Grif demanded, plainly upset and offended. "How is it my fault?"

"You were the one assigned to get the flag from the Blue Base!" Sarge insisted angrily. "You were the one who talked about how they'd all be trying to take us out, so sneaking in to swipe the flag would catch them off guard! 'The enemy's gate is down', my foot! That's the last time I let you talk me out of putting you to hard work! Why didn't you shoot back at that sniper once you had his position?"

"Because I might have hit Maud, and I didn't want to be ripped in half," Grif pointed out logically. "I didn't have a sniper rifle, so he was well out of my accurate range, and I could see Maud was with him."

Sarge turned that over in his mind angrily, trying to find fault with it...and couldn't. "Alright, that's a fair point," Sarge allowed ruefully. "God almighty, that felt dirty to say. But why didn't you take evasive action to avoid getting hit?"

"During the first volley, standing still was evasive action," Grif pointed out. "If I dodged, I'd more likely move into the path of the bullet rather than out of it. And with the shots he pulled in the second volley, I wouldn't be at all surprised if he could have hit me if I had a solid wall between me and him by putting a spin on the paint ball to make it ricochet off the canyon wall!"

Sarge grit his teeth as he clutched his shotgun tightly. "....alright," he growled angrily. "That is...another good point, dam it all! But why did it take you so long to get back to base when I sounded general quarters?"

"I was looking for the pick ax," Grif explained readily.

"The pick ax?" Simmons asked in surprise.

"No talking out of turn!" Sarge roared at Simmons. He turned back to Grif. "Why in the nine circles would you want a pick ax?"

"To dig up rocks, duh," Grif explained plainly.

"...drudge labor, Grif?" Simmons asked in surprise. "You? Why?"

Sarge wanted to call Simmons on that, but he wanted an answer too.

"Well, Sarge said Maud eats rocks, especially the unusual ones with gem formations," Grif explained. "I figured it'd be good to have a supply here to feed her if she wound up warping in here again, to calm her down. Or on the off chance we end up winning and she stays here."

Sarge stared at Grif in amazement. "...that is...probably a good idea," he admitted finally.

"Thank you Sarge," Grif offered happily. "Now, where-"

"But you had it!" Sarge added emphatically.

"Uh, yeah?" Grif confirmed. "So?"

"I am so darn conflicted right now!" Sarge screamed out in frustration.

"Yeah...so, the pick ax?" Grif asked curiously. "I think I spotted a gem vein further down the canyon. Not big enough for commercial mining, but a few good knuckle size ones as treats for Maud might buy us our Flag back without any humiliating negotiations, and possibly get us in Maud's good books."

"Thor's other beard, Grif, stop being right!" Sarge screamed out at the top of his lungs. "It's violating the natural order of things!"

"Pretty sure the 'natural order' got thrown out the window when the teleporting, rock eating, talking pony showed up," Simmons groused morosely as Grif went off to find the pick ax.

Author's Note

Thanks to MLPMekarm for part of the second half of this chapter. Had to use it.

Treats and Tricks

Grif did eventually find himself a pick-ax to use to dig up the gems he'd found, though it looked oddly...blocky. "Huh, that's a weird shape for a pick-ax," he mused as he examined it. "Still, pretty light-weight, so it should be easy enough to use. Looks like a good strong blade, too." Holding it in both hands like a gun, he made his way over to the vein of gems he'd spotted. "Well, I have no idea what sort of gems these are, but it should be easy enough to get them out..." He struck the wall a few times, and gems and rock popped out as a block shape was carved into the rock wall of the canyon. Grif hesitated as he collected the gems and rock. "Okay...I want to say that mining shouldn't work like that, but there also shouldn't be talking baby ponies that eat rocks, and Simmons did suggest the natural order didn't apply anymore...and this means I get to do heavy labor and be lazy. Not gonna think about it." He happily proceeded to continue whacking away with the blocky pick, digging out rock and gems that he gathered for later use.

He happily continued his easy digging, barely noticing how deep he was getting until it started to get dark within his makeshift mine. However, switching on the light on his helmet solved that, and he continued. "Man, I had no idea mining was so easy!" he marveled as he continued. "And I'm not just finding the small gems anymore. I don't know what I'm going to do with half of this stuff, but I'm sure it'll be useful! Or I can just give it to Maud and she can find a use for it. Kids need a hobby, after all. ...wonder how Kaikaina would have turned out if she had more hobbies. Definitely don't want Maud going that way. She's just...too tiny and precious..."

"HSSSSSSS!"

Griff spun, pulling out his weapon and firing as he heard that sound. He stared as a bright green creature that looked like some sort of mushroom on legs froze as the paint stuck to it. "...okay, definitely should have gotten the live ammo before doing this," he murmured as he tried to calm down. "I have no idea what sort of creature this is..." He paused as he noticed it was...oddly blocky. Curious, he struck it with the blocky pick, and the creature fell apart into dynamite. "Sweet! I can use this stuff to resupply the base, too! Wonder if I can find a cookie monster down here, too! Maybe I should see about making a table to put this stuff together on. I don't have that many paint bullets left in the clip..."

Sarge paced angrily back and forth, while Simmons did make work assignments around the base. "Where is that slacker?" Sarge demanded finally. "It shouldn't take that long to dig out some gems, even if we don't have a pick and he has to do it with his bare hands!"

"He's probably dug just deep enough that we won't see him and curled up for a nap," Simmons groused irritably. "Do you want me to go look for him, sir?"

"Negative!" Sarge declared loudly. "I need to get at least one of you snapped into shape before next week, and that means starting you on every training regimen I can think of all at once! Now get back to triple curl jumping jack sweeping with a song, Simmons!"

"I...don't think that's an actual-" Simmons began.

"ALL AT ONCE SIMMONS!" Sarge bellowed.

"Yes, sir~!" Simmons sang out immediately as he proceeded to combine a fitness workout with a ballet routine as he danced with a broom. "Sweep sweep sweep, sweep sweep sweep..."

Sarge smirked to himself as he watched Simmons get to actual training, then turned to glance out the window...only to stare. "Where in Helheim did he get so much he needed a wheeled cart to push it in?" Sarge demanded in shock. "For that matter, where'd he get the cart?"

"What?" Simmons began, moving towards the window.

"ALL AT ONCE!"

"Sweep sweep sweep!"

Grif didn't question how he was able to build a mine cart out of the things he'd found in the mine, or that he'd been able to build tracks to push it on all the way out of the mine. He also didn't question that it held far more than the dimensions allowed, and yet still had things pouring out the edges. He'd been down there long enough he'd had to jury-rig replacement batteries for his helmet's light out of some electrical-conducting redstone he'd dug up three times. With what he'd seen down there, he wasn't going to question much anymore...except why they were here. That question seemed to be becoming more and more important with each new discovery. He also didn't plan to tell anyone where the mine was, or what all he'd found inside. He was still trying to figure out how he was able to make a bucket that could hold lava.

For now, he was just going to push his mine cart to Blue base and buy the Red flag off Maud. Much to his surprise, Maud was sitting just outside Blue base with the Red flag, seeming to be waiting for him. "You brought a lot," she observed idly.

"I found a lot to bring," Grif confirmed. "Figured I'd find something you'd want to trade the Red flag for. If you go to the other Base if your flag gets snatched, makes sense you're the one selling the flags back at other times."

"What did you bring me?" Maud asked, the slightest tilt of her head the only sign of curiosity.

"Well, I found quite a few gems of various sorts," Grif explained, laying out rubies, diamonds, emeralds, garnets, and sapphires. "Thought you might like to taste them, or just have them."

"Gems are not the same thing as rocks," Maud observed flatly.

"True enough," Grif allowed, clearing the gems away. "I found several different types of ore," he continued, laying out the various substances he'd dug up out of the mine.

Maud glanced at them, looking them over carefully. "No, not for the Flag."

"Alright," Grif allowed, clearing that away. "But I bet you'll love these!" He pulled out several spherical blocks - it was the only way he could think to describe the odd shapes he'd dug up - and held one up. "Looks like an ordinary geode unopened, doesn't it? But if you shake it..." He shook the sphere, and what sounded like liquid sloshed inside for a bit before the sound stopped. He then broke the geode opened, revealing crystals of all colors with a sugary finish. "Rock candy!" he declared, breaking off one of the crystals and eating it. "Mmm!" he purred happily. "And each color is a different flavor!"

Maud stared at the rock candy geode for a time. "...I do not like rock candy," she observed finally.

Grif blinked, caught off guard. "Oh...well, I also have-"

"I will take them," Maud declared firmly, grabbing the unopened geodes and handing Grif the flag.

"...really?" Grif asked in surprise. "But...you said you don't like rock candy."

"I don't," Maud confirmed. "But receiving it...makes me happy."

Grif stared at Maud for a time, then shrugged. "Fair enough," he allowed, sticking the flag into the mine cart. "I'll see about finding more of those next time I go digging."

"Okay," Maud allowed as she held the candy geodes close, watching Grif wheel the cart and flag back towards Red Base.

Sarge stared, completely flabbergasted as Grif laid out everything he'd brought back, more than enough supplies of all sorts to keep the base running and armed - once everything was processed - for years. "Wha...how...why...you?" he managed to get out.

"Grif, where did you find all of this?" Simmons demanded in shock.

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you," Grif allowed. "Let's just say you were right about the natural order, and leave it at that."

"...I'm gonna go back to sweep-n-sing fitness," Simmons groaned, turning to head to another room of the base.

"You do that," Grif allowed. "I need to build some chests to hold all this.

Author's Note

Probably not what Kenshinryuu meant with this comment, but I thought it was a funny idea, and it seemed to fit.

Game Changer

The week seemed to blow by faster than any of the residents of Blood Gulch expected, and this time Maud was firmly ensconced in her cave with Doc, which was firmly marked off-limits as far as troop movement. Doc was also under orders to never take his eyes off Maud until the battle was over, as her teleportation ability seemed to be based on being out of sight. This was a direct result of a discussion between Sarge and Captain Flowers.

(1)"Maud was in Grif's line of fire when he confronted Church!" Sarge had declared firmly. "This not only inhibited Grif's ability - though I hesitate to call it that - to act, it also put Maud in danger! These training rounds are designed to interact with our armor, but she doesn't have armor! Who knows what it'll do to her! Not to mention someone might get unscrupulous and decide to hold her hostage to force the other side to surrender!"

"While I don't think the latter is a valid possibility," Flowers had responded thoughtfully, "you raise many valid points. Doc will take steps to keep her out of the battle until it is concluded."

"Good!"

And now the battle had begun. Sarge had given different orders this time around. Rather than sending one of them straight after the enemy flag, each of them was given one of the opposing soldiers as their specific target to confront. Sarge would be going after Church personally, as he wanted to get even for his humiliation upon first meeting by taking down the Papa Wolf when his cub wasn't in danger, perceived or otherwise. Simmons had not yet performed well enough to earn his own 'get even' assignment, so Grif was assigned to take down Tucker. Simmons was assigned to take down - or at least distract - Captain Flowers.

On the Blue Team, Church and Tucker were assigned to charge the enemy base on two different attack paths while Captain Flowers took up a sniper position, taking aim and intending to take out the Red soldiers as he caught sight of them...if his troops weren't good enough to handle them only, of course. He wasn't going to take victories away from them.

The battle would be very different from last time.

Church made his way towards Red Base, grasping his machine gun tight in his hands. He was ready to take the Reds down. He wouldn't let them get Maud. He was not about to-

A red-clad fist caught him in the side of his head, sending him sprawling and dropping his gun. He quickly pulled the knife from his hip, but it was kicked out of his hand as he was tackled to the ground. He tried to punch, kick, gouge, headbutt at his assailant...but he quickly found himself pinned to his stomach. He started to take a breath, trying to find that state...

"She's not here," Sarge's voice echoed in his ears. "She's perfectly safe. She's in no danger. I'm not going to hurt her. I'm not going to take her away from you. You can see her any time. She needs you alive."

As Church felt the words echo in his head, he struggled to find that state and push past them...but could not.

A shotgun blast of paint caught him in the back of his head, fusing his face to the ground as his armor locked up. "Now stay there, Private!" Sarge declared firmly. "This round is ours...and that's okay." Sarge then turned and walked away...only to turn back and fire a few more times to fuse Church's entire body to the ground. "Just making sure!" He then added an extra coat to Church's head...and the rest of him. And one more to his head for good measure. "Just take a quick nap, okay?" He then turned and went looking for Grif, certain the orange armored slacker would be in need of assistance or rescue, which he could hold over his head to try and get extra work out of him.

Grif made his way carefully across the open plains of Blood Gulch. There wasn't much in the way of cover beyond a few large boulders, and that made Grif nervous. He should be able to see Tucker coming, but he had caught no sight of the Blue soldier. "I don't like this..." he muttered as he moved near the cliff wall.

"Surprise, mother-fucker!" Tucker screamed out as he leapt down from the cliff directly above, opening fire as he came down.

To Tucker's surprise - and Grif's, for that matter - the orange armored troop spun out of the way of the shots before delivering a spin kick to the back of Tucker's head, knocking him into the cliff wall. "How'd I do that?" Grif demanded in shock.

"You'd better hope you can do it again!" Tucker snapped out as he lunged for Grif, only to take a punch that sent him sprawling. "How the fuck did you get so strong?" he demanded as he got to his feet, only to stumble as one foot became encased in the training paint.

"I mine at night," Grif replied readily as he pulled out a hefty sledgehammer. "It's rather exciting. Four!" He pulled the sledge back like a golf club.

"Oh god nooooOOOOOO!" Tucker screamed as the sledge connected with the crotch of his armor, sending him into the air.

Grif then pulled out a bow and arrow with a training paint round for an arrowhead, taking careful aim. "...pull," he finally said before shooting. The arrow caught the falling Tucker right in the back of his helmet, the round releasing its charge to encase Tucker's entire head as he came down. "Bullseye. Looks like fighting those skeletons for the really shiny rocks paid off. Time to get to the Blue Base."

As he turned to head for the base, Sarge fell off a distant boulder in stunned amazement. "Grif...effective? It's not possible..."

Flowers frowned as he watched his men get taken down one at a time. "...they've really improved in just a week," he mused to himself. "I definitely need to get my men to train harder. Still..." He carefully took aim at Grif. "Now it's time to-"

"AAAAAAGHH!" Simmons screamed out as he tripped and fell off the top of the canyon, bounced several times, and came down on top of Flowers' sniper rifle, breaking it in half and causing all its paint ammo to discharge all at once, completely coating Simmons and getting Flowers' right side as he'd tried to spin out of the way.

Flowers carefully glanced down his left side...and saw, as expected, that he'd put all his melee weapons on that side, meaning all his ranged weapons were trapped in the giant paint muck. "Well...that's inconvenient..."

(1) Thanks PopsicleTart for this idea.

Gun Safety

As the Red Team won the match this time, Maud was to spend a week at Red Base as per the agreement. Church wasn't happy about it, but being allowed to actually enter Red Base to check up on Maud and spend time with her smoothed things over somewhat. What little peace of mind he'd managed to gain went right out the window when he saw what was happening. "What are you teaching my daughter?" he screamed out.

Sarge turned to him, taking his eyes off where Maud sat amongst an example of every gun in the Red arsenal. "Gun safety!" he explained firmly. "We've got tons of them lying around, so we need to be sure she knows what to do with them, and by that extension what not to do with them!"

"She's way too young to be holding a gun!" Church argued intensely. "She's just a little kid!"

"She's the same age I was when I held my first gun!" Sarge countered firmly. "She's more than ready to learn which end to point at Grif!"

"That's not-" Church began, only to pause as his brain actually heard the second sentence. "I don't...what?"

"See? Even you don't know which end to point at Grif, or you'd have hit him a lot sooner during the first match!" Sarge then turned back to Maud. "This is the safety," he explained, pointing to the part on his weapon. "Before you shoot Grif, you need to make sure it's set to Off, like so." He demonstrated turning off the safety. "Otherwise, bullets won't come out!" Turning, he pulled the trigger at a distant target, spraying it with bullets. He then switched the safety to On, demonstrating how pulling the trigger only resulted in the gun clicking uselessly. "Do you understand the Safety?"

"Yes," Maud confirmed.

"What is the purpose of the safety?" Sarge quizzed.

"To make sure you don't shoot yourself," Maud replied readily.

"That's a smart girl," Sarge purred happily. "And this is the magazine. It holds the bullets. Without it, you'll only have one bullet in the chamber, which means you only get one shot. You need to be careful with that. Now, watch as I strip this weapon down to parts, and then reassemble. This serves two purposes. The first is to be able to check each part for any flaws, and the second is to be able to disassemble your opponent's weapon so he can't use it against you!" He then proceeded to strip his weapon down, checking each part before reassembling it and firing at the target once more to demonstrate its functionality. He then switched the magazine out for an empty one, popped open the chamber to evacuate the bullet there, and closed it up before handing the empty gun to Maud. "Now you try! Don't worry about speed, that comes with time and practice."

"How is she even supposed to handle-" Church began.

Maud turned and sat on the gun, causing it to disappear into her tail. She then shook her head, causing each of the parts to fall out of her mane one by one. After checking each one over, she laid on the pile before sitting up to reveal the fully assembled gun. "My hoof is too big for the trigger," she pointed out as she pushed it over to Church.

Picking the gun up, Church turned towards the target and fired. Bullets flew out, although none came close to hitting the target. "I...I saw you empty the gun before handing it to her," he told Sarge. "I...I saw it."

"Reassembled guns must fire to test," Maud pointed out logically.

Sarge sniffled. "I'm...I'm so proud!"

"I am far too sober for this," Simmons groaned from where he watched. "I'm a man of science! None of this is physically possible!"

"Simmons, you need to let go of preconceptions!" Sarge ordered firmly. "Plainly, things have begun to happen that aren't supposed to make sense by our traditional mindsets anymore, and you need to accept and embrace them!"

"I can't!" Simmons cried out in despair. "I'm not allowed to drink on duty!"

"Dam straight you're not!" Sarge proclaimed firmly. He leaned in towards Maud. "As in 'straight as a dam'," he explained firmly. Louder to Simmons, he continued, "You have to be Sergeant rank or higher for that privilege, and I don't see you shining on the battlefield like Grif!" He shuddered. "Ugh, that still feels dirty to say."

"I took out the enemy Captain!" Simmons complained.

"Falling on the enemy doesn't count unless you're able to get back up afterwards!" Sarge roared out angrily.

"I'm back!" Grif called as he entered the room holding a gun in one hand and a rock sample in the other. "Thought Maud might be getting hungry, so I brought her a snack."

"Good thinking, ugh, Grif!" Sarge declared with a groan as Grif fed Maud. "Where did you, uh, think of that from?"

"I have a younger sister," Grif explained. "I know how little kids can be. With how exciting things are, I figured she would forget to eat until she was hungry enough to start hitting you with a locker to try and get candy out of you."

"...I am conflicted!" Sarge declared angrily. "On the one hand, part of me wants to see if she could actually make candy appear out of someone by hitting them with a locker, since it makes as much logical sense as everything else that's been happening, like Grif being effective! On the other hand, she'd probably hit me first since I'm in charge, and I don't want her hitting me with a locker!"

"Compromise and tell her Simmons has the candy next time?" Grif suggested.

"Hey!" Simmons complained.

"I know!" Sarge declared. "Next time she starts getting hungry, I'll tell her Grif has the candy! What an excellent idea! Glad I thought of it!"

"...of course, Sarge," Grif replied grumpily. Seeing Maud had finished her snack, he handed her the gun. "I've removed the covers for the finger grips. You should have room to brace your hooves to hold the gun now."

"Are you...sure she's ready to hold a gun?" Church asked Grif worriedly as the orange armored troop stood back up.

"Don't worry," Grif replied readily in a whisper. "The magazine is empty."

"Now remember everything I've taught you about shooting!" Sarge declared firmly to Maud. "Do you remember?"

Maud nodded.

"Good! Now there's one last rule!" He clutched his shotgun tight to his chest. "If you only have one bullet left and you have no way to reload...make absolutely sure you use that bullet...to shoot Grif!"

Maud promptly turned and shot Grif in the nuts.

With a scream of agony, Grif collapsed to the floor clutching at his crotch. "Why did you shoot me?" he wailed out.

"The magazine was empty," Maud pointed out. "I only had the chamber bullet."

"Hah!" Sarge laughed. "Your own fault for not keeping proper track of ammunition!"

"But why there?" Grif cried in pain.

"I can't aim any higher," Maud replied readily.

"Why not my foot?!"

"I'm not supposed to waste ammo on non-debilitating targets."

"She's learned her lessons so well!" Sarge purred proudly.

Learning Hurts So Good

Over the next few days, Sarge insisted on continuing to 'teach' Maud various lessons in safety, physics, mathematics, and other such skill sets...all of which somehow resulted in Grif getting shot at, thrown through the air, blown up, smashed into a wall, other painful experiences, or some combination thereof all at once. Church simply found himself watching in amazement at how this all happened, especially as Grif so far seemed to be the one Red soldier Maud was starting to grow fond of (Church privately suspected this was why Sarge was now focusing on causing harm to Grif, out of jealousy), and yet she seemed to enjoy watching him get hurt as part of her teaching experience. Admittedly she always had Doc there as soon as it was over to patch Grif up - even if Doc himself didn't know he was there until Maud told him to go patch up Grif - but it was still somewhat disturbing.

He'd gone up to the roof of Red Base to try and clear his head and make sense of this behavior that didn't lead him to concluding that Maud was turning into a mini-Tex and what that might say about how Tex would act towards him if she ever showed up in Blood Gulch. However, it wasn't long after he'd gone to do that when he saw Grif and Simmons moving up to a different part of the roof, and couldn't help but overhear their conversation.

"Simmons, can I talk to you about something?" Grif asked worriedly.

"Do you want to talk about why we're here again?" Simmons asked idly.

"No, this is more important," Grif replied calmly. "And...more personal."

"Well...alright," Simmons allowed. "I'll give it a shot."

"I'm worried I'm becoming a masochist."

Church was very glad he wasn't drinking anything at that moment.

"You're...what?" Simmons asked in surprise. "Why?"

"Well, a masochist is someone who enjoys getting hurt, right?" Grif pressed.

"Actually, a masochist is specifically someone who takes sexual gratification in being injured or humiliated," Simmons clarified carefully. "Well, that's the usage most people think, anyway. Technically, it's a broader term and can encompass someone who enjoys an activity that seems painful or tedious."

"Like how you enjoy dusting shelves in the Base?" Grif pointed out. "And polishing the floors? And-"

"Only in the broadest sense," Simmons growled irritably. "But...yes. Why do you think you're becoming a masochist?"

"Because I enjoy making Maud smile."

Simmons turned to look directly at Grif. "I...don't think I follow."

"Remember Maud's physics lesson?" Grif offered happily.

"You mean when Sarge taught her to build a catapult to launch you into the air so he could shoot you, to teach Maud about the principles of levers?" Simmons clarified. "Or the one where he said you were equal to me times 2 because you were as fat as ten men - which you honestly aren't anymore since you started...mining, was it? - and blew you up in an attempt to make two of me?"

"Yes," Grif confirmed ruefully. "Thing is...I was actually eager for going again after I saw that me flying through the air like that put a small smile on Maud's face. If it made her happy, if she enjoyed watching me going through all of that...then I wanted to keep doing it, no matter how much it hurt. ...does that mean I'm turning into a masochist?"

Simmons thought about that for a time. "Do you actually enjoy the pain, or just the end result of Maud enjoying herself?"

"End result," Grif confirmed quickly. "Though...getting flung out of a catapult was kinda fun. Getting shot in the nuts on the way down...not so much."

"Then I don't think you're a masochist so much as an amazingly good big brother," Simmons allowed. "And possibly just a tad whipped."

"...whipped, huh?" Grif mused thoughtfully.

"Why'd you talk to me about it, anyway?" Simmons asked curiously.

"A few reasons, really," Grif replied readily. "Mostly to do with why I wouldn't talk to anyone else about it. Maud's too young to even learn what 'masochist' means..."

"Agreed," Simmons replied with a nod.

"I definitely don't get along with Tucker, and you can imagine how he'd react if I asked him if he thought I was becoming a masochist."

"Endless pain-sex jokes, teasing, hazing, and calls of Bow-Chicka-Bow-Wow?" Simmons offered ruefully.

"Exactly," Grif agreed. "Doc or Flowers would probably try to psychoanalyze me completely...or try and 'fix' me. Definitely not something I need."

"And I don't even want to imagine how Sarge would react if you talked to him about being a masochist," Simmons insisted fervently with a shudder.

Grif was silent for a time. "...that's something to think about for later," he admitted finally. "But you know I'm a deep thinker, and we were in basic together. I know I can talk to you about things, and you'll listen and comment intelligently, even if sometimes it'll be boring or only tangentially connected to what I asked you about, and you might end up going off on a rant on a subject I don't understand...well, you'll still care about what I have to say. You're...you're the closest thing I have to a friend in this canyon."

Simmons stood in stunned silence for a time. "W...wow, Grif," he managed finally. "I...I don't know what to say..."

"Then say nothing," Grif suggested. "Just take the compliment."

"...thanks," Simmons said finally as they both stared out at the canyon. After a time, Simmons spoke up. "You didn't mention trying to talk to Church."

"Oh, right," Grif responded jokingly. "How would that go? 'Hey Church, I think your daughter is turning me into a masochist! What are you doing with my small intestine? I don't think it has that much tensile strength!'"

Simmons laughed with Grif. "Okay, yeah, I see your point there," he allowed warmly. "But hey! Maybe you should try talking to Sarge about these things as if you really were a masochist? Like, as a prank?"

Grif turned to Simmons. "Simmons, there are days where I really like the way you think. This is one of them."

Church stayed very quiet, doing his best to pretend he hadn't heard any of that.

"Alright Maud!" Sarge roared out later that day. "It's time for your lesson in medicine! Now where is Grif? I need visual aids!"

"Here I am, sir!" Grif called out as he walked up, Simmons following behind him. "And I had a suggestion for how to do today's lesson!"

"Oh?" Sarge asked in surprise. "Alright, let's hear it."

Grif held a leather whip out to Sarge. "I was thinking you could teach Maud about medicine by giving me a hundred lashes or so to demonstrate how flesh bruises, blisters, and scars before teaching her how to treat it. You'll need to make them good and hard though, since I don't bruise easily."

Sarge stared at the whip hanging from Grif's outstretched hand, and then took several steps back. "Maud, we're going to go find Doc, and he's going to teach you what he can about medicine...far away from Grif!" Turning, he raced off.

Maud gave Grif a brief, small smile, and then followed sedately after Sarge.

Chuckling, Grif shot Simmons a thumbs up.

Round 3

It wasn't long before the week had run its course, and once again the Reds and Blues were in battle over who would keep Maud for the next week. Sarge had made the decision that since the previous week's strategy had been so successful, it would be repeated. Captain Flowers had determined that working from a sniper's position with this group was less than effective, especially when using the training bullets, and had decided he would join his men in the field in seeking the flag.

Maud was rather put out at the idea she'd be shuttling back and forth so frequently now that she realized how short a week felt when she was having fun. She decided she would bring it up after this fight.

Tucker made his way purposely through the canyon, seeking his target. At the moment, he wasn't thinking about team victory or Maud or even Red vs Blue. He was thinking about getting even. He was hunting Grif.

It didn't take long for him to find his target, and as soon as he spotted the orange armor he charged. Grif caught sight of him and immediately opened fire, but Tucker ducked low and ran under the bullets, closing the distance before Grif could correct his aim. He threw a hard punch, but Grif blocked with his forearm and countered with a foot sweep that Tucker leapt over. As Tucker landed, he swayed back and forth to dodge Grif's blows. While the mining had made Grif's physical strikes exceptionally powerful and somehow given him good reflexes, his strikes were still rather slow. Ducking under the assault, Tucker was able to deliver a three hit combination to Grif's belly, though he had to stagger back as that left him open to an elbow to the top of the head.

Grif staggered back, gasping for breath. "You...really stepped up...your game..." he managed to gasp out.

"You humiliated me last time," Tucker snarled out. "I don't care if she's not dating material, I'm not letting anyone else make me look pathetic in front of a girl!"

"Yeah, only you get to do that," Grif taunted before turning side-on to dodge the charge.

Anticipating the move, Tucker spun right in front of Grif and lashed out with a high kick, sending him tumbling back across the ground. "I'm going to enjoy this," he growled eagerly as he stalked forward.

Grif flexed his abdomen and launched himself feet first into the air before flipping to land on his feet. "Huh," he murmured as he raised his arms defensively. "You know...I think I am too."

Flowers raised his head, using his helmet cam to zoom in on the battle between Tucker and Grif. "Huh. Now that's some motivation," he murmured as he watched the fight. "They're actually not half bad. Got good potential, too. Hmm...I think I'll see what else Tucker is capable of. Hope Sarge does the same with Grif. I haven't seen a fight this entertaining in a long time. Not quite at the level of those, but impressive..."

"Uh...are you going to shoot me, or just keep me pinned down here?" Simmons groaned from beneath Flowers, where he was held with one arm twisted up behind his back and the muzzle of Flowers' gun at the back of his head. "And where did you learn to fight hand-to-hand like that? None of those moves were covered in basic training!"

"I think I'll just keep you pinned while I watch the fight," Flowers allowed. "Why not zoom in with your helmet cam, too? It's not so far away you'd need a sniper scope to see."

Simmons struggled to lift his head until he caught sight of the fight. "...wow," he murmured in shock. "Grif's...pretty good."

"Where'd he get the energy to go from fat, lazy slob to incredible soldier?" Flowers wondered curiously.

"By eating three entire ration deliveries all on his own, I'd guess," Simmons observed. "Three days in a row. Sarge finally sent a requisition that the rations be divided into 'Grif's Gluttony' and 'Normal People', and has been going off on Grif about how much he eats ever since."

"Well, if eating that much somehow makes him this effective, I'd say let him eat," Flowers allowed before pulling the trigger, putting Simmons armor into lockdown...but making sure he could still watch the fight. "Now, let's see how Church is dealing with Sarge..."

At that moment, Church came skidding over, already in armor lockdown as Sarge stomped over. "He made the mistake of stopping to watch the fight without getting me pinned down first!" Sarge declared firmly as he watched the fight.

"It seems Grif is...surprisingly effective," Flowers murmured as he moved to stand next to Sarge, deciding to talk leader to leader as he watched the fight.

"I always knew he had it in him," Sarge declared quietly, making sure Simmons couldn't hear.

"...really?" Flowers asked in surprise.

"Why do you think I was so harsh on every single one of his bad habits and acted like it was unnatural that he could be good?" Sarge countered happily. "I knew that eventually he'd find something that made him want to succeed and excel, and the more I harped on him for his performance, the better he'd get! When he becomes such an effective soldier that he can take down whole armies single handed, when he can infiltrate any installation, when he can practically snuff out stars with his bare hands..."

Flowers shivered. It sounded like he was trying to turn Grif into a Freelancer. "Then you'll tell him good job?" Flowers asked curiously.

"Are you kidding?" Sarge declared in surprise. "That's when I'll tell him he's almost good enough! I wanna see what he'd become when he passes that! Grif is a pathetic, miserable, waste of space excuse for a soldier...so I'm going to shape and mold him until he's...Super Grif..."

Flowers thought about that for a time. "How about a gentleman's wager here, then?" he suggested.

"Oh?" Sarge asked curiously.

"That fight over there is quite impressive," Flowers allowed. "So let's wager the end of this match on that fight, shall we? We'll even be allowed to shout encouragement to our soldiers."

"Hmm..." Sarge hummed thoughtfully. "If Grif wins, I get to claim credit with my encouragement. If he loses, I get to blame him for costing us the match again, and I can even tell him I only made the wager because he seemed to be trying to prove himself. I like it!" He turned towards the match. "Grif!" he shouted into the comm. "This match now depends on the fight between you and that Blue! So if you win, I'll special order whatever treat you want through Command, as much as you can eat!"

Grif tensed up as he caught the incoming blow and turned to stare at Sarge. "All...all I can eat? Sarge, I never thought I'd hear you say anything so beautiful!" Spinning, he slammed his elbow into Tucker's gut, sending him skidding back several feet.

"Tucker," Flowers said calmly through the comms. "Did you know there's a planet near to where we're based populated entirely by...Amazons?"

Tucker tensed up. "A...Amazons?" he gasped in shock.

"Yes," Flowers agreed. "A world filled with scantily clad warrior women who would just love to meet a soldier like you. If you win this fight, I'll give you a five day pass to go visit it."

"Five days..." Tucker murmured in awe. "With...Amazons..."

"Don't take your eyes off-" Grif started to shout as he charged, only to get shoulder-checked by a suddenly surging Tucker.

"You're not taking my nookie away just so you can have a cookie!" Tucker roared out as he blocked several more of Grif's blows before kicking Grif right in the nuts.

"Oh...hurts so good..." Grif managed to gasp out.

"Bow!" Tucker snapped out as he struck the pudenal nerve on Grif's left thigh. "Chicka!" He struck the same nerve on the right. "Bow!" An open palm strike to Grif's throat, making him choke. He then pulled his gun and aimed it point blank. "Wow!" Grif rocked back, his helmet covered in the training paint. He then stared down at his fallen opponent. "...Bitch!"

Renegotiations

"Weekly's too frequent."

Flowers jerked in surprise at that flat, monotone assertion that came out of nowhere. Turning, he saw Maud staring up at him. "Wonder if I'll ever get used to you doing that?" he mused idly. "What do you mean?"

"I don't like going back and forth every week," Maud explained simply. "Make it monthly."

"You want me to renegotiate with Sarge about how often we fight over who you stay with?" Flowers clarified.

"I want you to change it," Maud corrected before turning and heading off, as though her simple declaration was all it took to make it so.

Flowers sighed. "Somehow, I doubt Sarge is going to be happy about this..."

"WHAT?" Sarge shouted out angrily. "We had an agreement you dam dirty Blue! And now you're trying to renege when you have the pony? I will not hear of it! The honor of the Reds will not let this affront stand! We will tear you apart and use your intestines to build pretty toys for Maud to play with!"

"But it's Maud who asked me to get this changed," Flowers pointed out. "She doesn't like shuttling back and forth so often. I don't think she'd take kindly to you deciding that you should try and kill us over that."

"Hrrrmmm..." Sarge mused, slowly digesting that. "You have a point. But it's still unfair! Because of the agreement, she still gets Blue influence even while in Red Base because she still sees your soldier as her father! How is she supposed to get Red influence to counter that? In the spirit of our original agreement, this inequality, this injustice...can not stand!"

"Hmm, I see you have a point there," Flowers allowed. After all, if I'm looking at Tucker and Grif as possibly tapping them to be new Freelancers, there's no reason not to see if Maud can influence the others that way too...if only for the sake of my primary mission. "So you want the Reds - yourself specifically, I assume - to have access to Maud even while she's staying at Blue Base?"

"Affirmative!" Sarge declared firmly. "She needs to be shown the superiority of the Reds even when with the Blues! It's the only fair way!"

"Well, what if you could show us up outside of battle as well?" Flowers suggested slyly. "Something that doesn't involve killing but is competitive?"

"Hmm..." Sarge stared off into the middle distance as he considered this possibility. "Well, it's unnatural to even consider such a thing with the hated Blues...but we're already fighting without killing, and the goal of winning over the pony is still worth it! What did you have in mind?"

"Some sort of activity that will let us show off non-combat skills," Flowers suggested. "Some sort of gathering, perhaps? Held weekly?"

"Of course!" Sarge declared proudly. "Whichever team is not presently hosting the pony will host a cookout once a week instead of the battle that's now moved to once a month! We'll have good food that will absolutely destroy the Blues, party games that we can crush you in, and funtime activities to show Maud how much better the Reds are! And we can get to know each other and talk! Just because you're our most hated enemies and I hate you all with a fiery passion hotter than a thousand suns and want to destroy you with every fiber of my being...is no reason we can't be friends off the battlefield and share a cold one!"

Flowers chuckled softly. "You never cease to amaze me with your 'logic', Sarge," Flowers offered in a bemused tone.

"See? Even in logic I trounce you!" Sarge declared proudly. "Our victory is assured!"

"Captain!" Tucker roared out as he raced up from the transport dock. "I've got a major bone to pick with you!"

"Tucker?" Flowers asked in 'shock'. "You're back early! It hasn't even been a full two days, let alone five. Why are you back so soon? Was the planet of the amazons not everything I promised?"

"Of course it wasn't!" Tucker snapped out angrily. "You tricked me!"

"How did I trick you?" Flowers asked, managing to sound offended. "Were the residents not entirely female?"

"Well, yeah, they were," Tucker allowed. "But-"

"And were they not incredibly attractive by your own personal standards?" Flowers continued.

"Well, okay, they were smoking hot," Tucker agreed. "But-"

"And did they not go about wearing very little?" Flowers pressed.

"Oh yeah, that was awesome!" Tucker crowed happily. "Some were only walking around in body paint and a fig leaf...literally! The figs were pretty tasty, too."

"And weren't they overjoyed to meet a warrior such as you?" Flowers asked playfully.

"Well...yeah, I was swarmed as soon as I got off the transport ship," Tucker allowed. "But-"

"Then I fail to see how I tricked you," Flowers concluded. "Plainly, the planet was everything I promised you."

"No it wasn't!" Tucker yelled out angrily. "You never mentioned they were cannibals!"

Flowers paused. "Okay, I know some people find that quite distasteful, but given just how open you are to such things - your over-under rule, for example - I didn't think a picky little detail like dietary habits would bother you that much."

"Yeah!" Sarge agreed loudly. "Suck it up and man up, Blue!"

"Suck it...I had to suck it up to stay a man!" Tucker snapped out angrily. "They weren't swarming me to welcome me to anything but the cooking pot!"

"While I admit it's a switch on the gender rules you're used to, I don't see why you're making such a big deal over them wanting you to make them dinner," Flowers observed playfully.

"Make them-they didn't want me to make them dinner!" Tucker roared. "They wanted me to be dinner! They were trying to eat me!"

"Bow chicka wow wow," Maud observed calmly from behind Tucker.

Tucker paused for several moments, then found himself chuckling. "Okay, I walked right into that one," he allowed, leaning down to pet Maud. "Not bad, kid."

"She is spending way too much time with you," Church growled flatly from behind Maud.

Let's Get Cooking

Captain Flowers stared over the setup that Red team had crafted for the 'cookout' for that week. Hanging over a large metal plate on the ground, dozens of skewers holding up hunks of raw meat and selections of uncooked vegetables swayed in the air, somehow not drawing insects. A few standard picnic games like frisbee and soccer were set up, along with a few non-standard ones like 'Shoot the Spy' and '20 Bullets'. A few tables had also been set up, though no plates or cups as everyone had brought their own mess kit. A few large casks were also set up, one labeled 'For Real Men!', and the other labeled 'For Blues, Pansies, and the Pony!' "This is...an interesting setup," he murmured as he took it all in.

"I know, right?" Sarge declared proudly. "Everything's ready for the cookout to begin once everyone gets here!"

"That doesn't look like anything you requisitioned," Flowers observed as he looked over the food.

"Didn't requisition!" Sarge corrected. "Every bit of food here was provided by Red Team itself! Beat that, Blue sissies!"

"You got...meat here?" Flowers asked awkwardly.

"That's from Grif!" Sarge declared smugly. "No idea where he got it, and as long as it tastes good, I don't care!"

"Where...did you get it, Grif?" Flowers inquired, turning to the orange-clad soldier.

"You...really don't want to know," Grif told him awkwardly. "Trust me, you really don't. But it does taste good!"

"Did you provide the vegetables too?" Flowers asked, deciding he didn't really want to know any more than that.

"No, that was me," Simmons spoke up. "I planted a vegetable garden in an out of the way corner of the canyon as something to do to pass the time and help reassure myself that the laws of nature were still intact to some extent. Sarge allowed it because apparently horses eat vegetables, so he assumes Maud will too."

"But horses will also eat meat!" Sarge declared eagerly. "So I'm going to offer Maud some of my family recipe using the meat Grif provided! If she likes it, then plainly my cooking is superior! If she doesn't, it's Grif's fault for providing sub-par meat!"

"Of course it is, Sarge," Grif allowed sarcastically.

"So once everyone gets here, I'll demonstrate the family cooking techniques!" Sarge proclaimed proudly. "But only Maud gets to watch!"

"That should be interesting," Maud murmured from right next to Sarge's feet.

"Sweet Fanny Addams!" Sarge yelled out as he leapt back. "How do you keep doing that?"

"Awesomely," Maud replied flatly.

"Dam straight!" Sarge confirmed. "Now where are the other Blues?"

"Here they come," Flowers observed as Church and Tucker approached. "And it looks like Doc's already here."

"Cookouts and picnics can result in all sorts of unexpected injuries," Doc observed happily. "I'm ready to treat them!"

"Alright!" Sarge shouted as he tied on an apron. "Time to begin! Maud, watch closely!"

Flowers had just enough time to see that the apron Sarge had tied on read 'Kill the Cook if you Dare!' before Sarge led Maud over to the hanging meat and vegetables.

"Now pay close attention," Sarge told Maud quietly as he worked his way down the line. "The first step of the family cooking style is to arrange the food like so. The next step is the careful, delicate seasoning with the secret family mix of herbs, spices, and booze." He liberally soaked the meat and vegetables with the contents of the cask labelled 'For Real Men!' before sprinkling on a spice mix. "Now don't worry, the alcohol gets burned away in cooking, so your stick-in-the-mud pops doesn't need to worry about getting drunk before you're old enough! Personally, I don't see the problem with giving you a small cup, but unfortunately I'm not the one you're calling Dad!"

"You are not getting my daughter drunk while she's still measuring her years in single digits," Church growled angrily.

"I just finished saying that!" Sarge snapped back. He then turned to Maud. "And now the final stage of the family secret cooking techniques..." He pulled out a flamethrower. "Insanely hot flames for instant roasting!" He pulled the trigger and proceeded to wave the wand so the flames coated the meat and vegetables, searing and cooking them with the high intensity heat. A few potatoes Grif had added also puffed up from the heat roasting and baking them, making mashed potatoes, baked potatoes, and french fries in an instant.

Sarge took in a deep breath through his nose as he shut off the flamethrower. "Smell that tasty cooking!"

"It smells like gasoline, turmeric, tarragon, saffron, oregano, paprika, cumin, thyme, and booze," Maud observed idly.

Sarge slowly turned to Maud in shock. "You...you can smell the spice mix?"

"It smells delicious," Maud added calmly. Moving forward, she grabbed a skewer of meat, one of vegetables, a potato, and a rock and began to eat.

"So how about these games?" Grif suggested. "Most of them are Sarge's ideas, so I don't know how they work."

"How about Shoot the Spy?" Flowers asked curiously. "Is it anything like 'I Spy'?"

"Very similar!" Sarge agreed happily. "Grif, why don't you lead off to demonstrate?"

"Oh, I love that game!" Grif declared happily. "I Spy-"

"Shoot the Spy!" Sarge screamed out as he pulled out his gun. "Shoot him!"

"Yipe!" Grif yelped, pulling out a shield to block as everyone opened fire on him. "Let me guess...'20 Bullets' is how many chances everyone gets to shoot me?"

"Exactly!" Sarge declared happily. "Fun for the whole family!"

"Let me just get something to eat first, okay?" Grif asked as he started to load his plate up with nearly half the cooked food.

"You exercise some portion control, you glutton!" Sarge snapped out. "I don't care about the rest of these idiots, but leave some for the little pony!"

As laughter and arguments went back and forth, Flowers calmly filled his plate. Maud was orders of magnitude safer now with the present arrangement, which by connection made Church orders of magnitude safer. All in all, he felt he was doing an excellent job fulfilling his mission.

Not to mention Sarge is a surprisingly good cook, he mused in amazement as he ate.

A Little Celebration

Church let himself relax as he stood atop the Blue Base, staring out at Blood Gulch. It had been quite some time since Maud's arrival had changed everything within the canyon, and he was trying to figure out if it had been for the better. Sure, he no longer had to worry about one of the Reds trying to kill him, and Tucker was super focused on getting a decisive victory over Grif, which meant two of the biggest headaches of his time there - people trying to kill him, and Tucker - were no longer headaches. Still...change wasn't always good.

The whole dynamic of the canyon had changed. Before Maud's arrival, the two teams had been enemies. Now...well, they still claimed to be enemies, still claimed to hate each other...but Church knew them now. At least, to a certain extent. He knew Sarge, knew Grif, knew Simmons...and that knowledge meant they could never be a faceless enemy again...even if he'd never seen any of their faces. What happened when Maud was old enough to use a gun, and the agreement ended? What happened if one of them actually died? ...what happened if Maud chose to be a Red?

These were the questions that haunted him now...and were the reason he'd left Maud with Doc for more lessons on medicine and come up here to think. He wanted to take care of Maud. He...he didn't really care about any of the others. He knew he should...but he found he could only really care about them because of how Maud felt. When he mentally removed Maud from the equation...the others just didn't matter. Maud mattered.

As he found himself going into these dark, depressing thoughts, a cleared throat drew his attention. Maud sat beside him, staring up at him. "Oh, did you need something, Maud?" he asked quickly, kneeling down to get closer to her level, and to pick her up if she wanted.

"I don't need anything just now," Maud replied in her usual monotone voice.

"Oh," Church allowed, a little confused. "Did you just come up here because you missed me?"

"No," Maud answered flatly. "That's not why I'm here."

"Okay," Church allowed. "Why are you here?"

"That's going to be my life's biggest question," Maud replied, remaining monotone. "Why did I come to this canyon? What is my purpose? Is there some great mission for me? Or am I just the plaything of a mad god with nothing better to do than to throw random things together for entertainment? Does my bond to you or to the others have meaning? Are my actions my own?"

"...you've been spending too much time with Grif and Simmons," Church observed in mild amusement. "I meant here on the roof with me just now."

"I know," Maud replied readily. "But Grif wasn't in position yet."

"Huh?" Church asked in surprise.

"Well, sorry if it took time to convince your Captain to give me clearance," Grif said as he walked up the stairs to the roof, carrying a cake in his hands. He set the platter down between Maud and Church. "This is for you, at her request," he explained to Church as he got back up. "Now if you'll excuse me, I've got batter bowls to lick."

"Wait, Grif!" Church called out, turning to face him.

"Yeah?" Grif asked in surprise.

"...thanks," Church offered warmly.

"No problem," Grif replied happily. "I like baking. Now I'd better get out of here before I jump Maud's message for you. Just know it's from me too." With that, he turned and left.

"Message?" Church asked, turning back to face Maud...only to find a single candle atop the cake, burning merrily.

"Happy Birthday, Dad," Maud offered, the slightest hint of warmth audibly in her voice as she gave just a hint of a smile.

Church blinked in surprise. "It's...it's my birthday?"

"I looked it up," Maud answered readily. "Make a wish."

Church smiled under his helmet. "A wish is easy." I wish I can see Maud really smile someday, he thought to himself. I'll bet it'll be breathtaking. Leaning in, he blew out the candle.

"Now we cut it," Maud confirmed, holding up a knife.

"Not just yet," Church corrected. "Maud...I don't know exactly how long it's been since you arrived here-"

"Less than a year," Maud answered quickly.

"Maybe, but you've certainly at least a year old by my estimates," Church continued. "But since we can't know the dates exactly..." He lit the candle. "Happy Birthday, Maud. Now make a wish."

Maud stared up at him. ...I wish Dad will always be with me, she thought to herself before leaning in to blow out the candle.

"Now we cut the cake," Church said softly, taking the knife and carefully cutting pieces for each of them. As he picked up his piece, however, he noticed Maud simply staring at hers. "Is something wrong?" he asked worriedly.

"I asked Grif to make this cake for you," Maud explained calmly. "Sweets aren't...really my preference. I prefer spicy."

"In that case, how about I make you a special spicy dish you can enjoy?" he asked after taking a bite. "Wow. Grif really went overboard with making this sweet." He shook a little. "I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack as it attacks my arteries."

"I asked him to make you a cake as sweet as me," Maud offered mildly.

"Well, he certainly came close!" Church joked as he carried Maud and the cake down into the Base. "Now, let's see about what I can make you..."

"Tabasco Maple Bran Muffins?" Maud requested suddenly.

"An...odd request, but I'll see what I can do," Church replied, setting the cake on the counter and getting to work in trying to bake.

It didn't take long for Church to make the muffins requested, and he tried one as well as Maud devoured hers. "An...odd taste," he allowed as he chewed, "but not bad. I could certainly get used to it-"

"This is terrible!" Doc suddenly screamed out, drawing attention to where he stood.

Church and Maud immediately turned to look. There was Doc, standing next to the cake where the piece Church hadn't finished was nowhere in sight. On the ground in front of Doc was Captain Flowers, laid out flat and unmoving.

"Captain Flowers has died...of a heart attack!" Doc screamed out.

"Aww, crapbaskets!" Church snapped out as Maud's ears went flat.

"Dibs on his armor?" Tucker called out hopefully.

"Tucker!"

New Faces, Same Crazy

"I can't believe you," Church growled at Tucker as he strutted about in his 'new armor', the very armor Captain Flowers had been wearing not even a day previously. "You are such a vulture!"

"Hey, I called dibs," Tucker countered playfully. "You didn't really think I was kidding, did you?"

"He wasn't even cold yet!" Church snapped angrily.

"Well I wasn't going to wait that long," Tucker pointed out logically. "Do you have any idea how hard it is to get a body out of regulation battle armor once rigor mortis has set in? Trust me, definitely better to do it while they're still warm."

"...for the sake of my sanity, I'm going to pretend you didn't just say that," Church replied evasively.

Though his face wasn't visible through the faceplate of his helmet, one could still metaphorically see Tucker's slowly spreading grin. "Do you have any idea how hard it is to get a body out of regulation battle armor once rigor mortis has set in?" he asked teasingly. "Trust me, definitely better to-"

Church pulled out a handgun and spun towards Tucker. "For the sake of Maud's innocence, I'm going to shoot you in the head if you say it again."

"Like you could hit me," Tucker taunted. "Do you have any idea how hard-YIP-OW!" he screamed out, ducking as the gun went off only to get hit in the stomach. "That's not my head!"

"Well you're the one who ducked," Church replied as the paint from the training round crystallized.

"But if I hadn't-you were aiming for my dick!" Tucker called out. "Why did you try and shoot me in the dick?"

"Head, part that does your thinking for you, same difference," Church allowed grumpily. "Look, with Flowers dead, I've sent a call to command for extra backup, and it should be arriving soon. We're getting an extra man...and a tank."

"A tank? Sweet!" Tucker crowed happily. "When are they-"

"Hello!" a happy voice greeted from directly behind them. "I am Private Michael J. Caboose! Are you guys Blues?"

Turning, they found a soldier in bright blue armor standing in front of a tank, the cockpit and main cannon thereof capable of swiveling a full 360 degrees. "Uh...hi-" Church began.

"Ha!" Caboose suddenly called out, pointing at Church. "He said it!"

Church and Tucker glanced at each other in confusion. "Think he's alright in the head?" Tucker asked worriedly.

"Ha! He said it too!" Caboose declared happily. Nearby, Maud tilted her head thoughtfully as she examined him.

"Maybe not..." Church allowed.

"I like him," Maud stated firmly. "Can I keep him?"

Caboose gasped as he caught sight of Maud. "A talking pony!" he declared happily, scooping Maud into his arms and cuddling her. "I always wanted a talking pony! Actually, I always wanted to be a talking pony, but saying that got odd looks, so I just said I wanted one! I will love you, and brush you, and squeeze you, and call you-"

"Maud," Maud interrupted to introduce herself.

"That's just what I was going to say!" Caboose declared happily.

Maud turned to Church. "Can I keep him?"

Church looked from the apparently happy Maud to the plainly unbalanced Caboose and threw up his arms in frustration. "Fine!" he called out in frustration. "Go ahead! If it makes you happy, I'll adopt him! Have fun with your new idiot younger brother!"

Caboose gasped excitedly. "Ohmygosh! I got a new big sister, a pony, and a new daddy all in the same day! Best day EVER!" He began to spin around as he cuddled Maud happily.

"Do...you think they realize you were being sarcastic?" Tucker asked Church curiously.

"At this point, I'm not sure I was being sarcastic," Church answered morosely, though he couldn't help but smile as he caught sight of the small smile on Maud's face.

Sarge angrily lowered the binoculars he had been using to spy on the Blue Base, and the focus of all his present attention and ambition. "Treachery!" he declared angrily.

"What is it this time?" Grif grumbled irritably. He'd been down on himself ever since he'd learned that Captain Flowers had died from - apparently - eating the cake he'd made for Maud and Church. As a result, he'd been less than enthusiastic with mining or training, and had instead been spending more time stuffing his face and ignoring Sarge's rants about him being a lazy, gluttonous, good for nothing waste of space excuse for a soldier. If he was really responsible for killing someone with something meant to be nice...he almost believed the rants. Seeing Sarge glare his way, he added a rather surly, "Sir."

"The Blues have a new soldier, and he's already bonded strongly with Maud!" Sarge proclaimed ferociously. "This cannot stand! We need to get a new soldier who will also bond with Maud, or we'll fall behind in the Pony Race, which is much worse than falling behind in the Arms Race even though Ponies don't have arms!"

"Well, he seems to act rather childish," Simmons observed as he lowered his own binoculars. "That shouldn't be too hard to emulate-"

"No!" Sarge interrupted. "We will not lower ourselves to copying Blue tactics to beat the Blues! We will need a new tactic!"

"Well, how else would we win her over?" Simmons asked in confusion.

"Yeah," Grif added ruefully. "How else would you win over a little alien girl than acting like a child?"

"That's it!" Sarge declared suddenly. "If we don't dare act childish to win her over, we need to try acting girly! We need a new recruit who can be as girly as can be to see if that wins her over!"

"Something tells me this was the absolute worst - or possibly just strangest - moment I could have chosen to report in," a new voice spoke up.

Turning, the three Reds saw a fourth soldier in bright red armor stepping out of a Jeep that looked somewhat like a Puma - or possibly a Warthog - if you looked at it just right. "Who are you?" Sarge demanded angrily.

"Private Donut, sir," the soldier reported. "Reporting for duty here in Blood Gulch-"

"Go paint your armor pink and make friends with the pony, soldier!" Sarge commanded firmly.

"Pink and a pony?" Donut gasped happily. "If there are rainbows, this is the best assignment ever!"

As Donut raced off to do as ordered, Sarge turned to watch what would happen.

As Church watched Caboose and Maud playing happily - well, he assumed it was happily based on Caboose yelling "I am so happy!" every other minute and Maud not countering - he noticed someone approaching. "Halt!" he called out, lifting his sniper rifle to cover the approaching stranger. "Who goes there!"

"Don't shoot!" the pink-armored soldier called out desperately. "I'm only armed with training rounds! I'm not here to hurt anyone!"

"Identify yourself!" Church ordered firmly.

"I'm Private Donut!" he responded immediately. "I'm a new recruit with Red Team!"

"What's your mission?"

"I'm here to meet the pony!"

Sighing, Church lowered his weapon. "Carry on."

Donut happily skipped over to Maud. "Hi!" he greeted happily. "I'm Donut. Can I be your friend?"

Maud stared up at Donut for a time, then reached up and yanked him down to the ground and wrapped her forelegs around his neck. "I'm keeping this one," she stated flatly.

"I'm not adopting him," Church insisted firmly.

"Then get me a leash."

"I feel like I should make a joke here, but I don't think you're old enough," Donut observed warmly.

"And already you're an improvement on Tucker," Church observed dryly.

"HEY!"

"Success!" Sarge declared as he lowered his binoculars. "Being girly succeeded in befriending Maud! Now it's time for Phase 2!"

"Phase...2?" Grif asked nervously.

"I don't know why, but I'm suddenly abjectly terrified," Simmons observed worriedly.

"Don't you get it, men?" Sarge proclaimed as he warmed himself up for an inspirational speech. "Maud is the ultimate weapon of destruction and carnage! It is up to us to prove ourselves worthy of being the ones she destroys for, instead of the ones she destroys! As such, we must find what it is that wins her over and achieve it at any cost! She has shown a fondness for childishness, so let the Blues be the babies! We shall show her the superiority of being real men! Because only real men such as fill the ranks of the Reds will be comfortable enough in their own masculinity to act as girly as humanly possible for the mission! Men, it's time for Operation Showtunes!"

"And now I know why I'm terrified," Simmons groaned.

"Step in time, men! We're going dancing!"

As Church watched with his head tilted as Maud and Caboose led Donut around on a leash, the loud roaring of an engine caught his attention. Looking up, he saw the Reds pulling up in a new jeep. "What do these guys want this time..." His voice trailed off and his head slowly tilted as he tried to make sense of what he was seeing.

"Are they wearing...tutus?" Tucker asked in disbelief.

Sure enough, as the Reds stepped out of the jeep, it could be seen that they were wearing tutus over their armor, complete with oversized ballet slippers. They arranged themselves in a row and waited for Maud to turn their way. Once all attention - especially pony attention - was on them, Sarge called out, "Five, six, seven, eight!"

The three immediately began to sing and dance, Sarge being the lead voice with Simmons and Grif backing him up.

I feel pretty!
~feel pretty~
Oh so pretty!
~so pretty~
I feel pretty and witty and ~gay~!
And I pity...any girl who isn't me today!
~Fa la la la LA la la!~

As everyone continued to stare, Sarge suddenly rounded on the other two. "That was the most disgraceful performance I've ever been a part of!" he declared angrily.

"No argument there," Grif mumbled under his breath.

"Both of you need to put more enthusiasm into the Fa la las!" Sarge declared angrily. "And Grif, that was the saddest excuse for a pirouette I've ever seen!"

"I don't think that number actually has pirouettes as part of West Side Story's original choreography," Simmons pointed out nervously.

"Pink, ponies, and musical numbers?" Donut gasped excitedly. "This really is the best assignment ever!"

"I know, right?" Caboose agreed eagerly.

"...feels like home," Maud murmured thoughtfully.

"My name is Caboose!" Caboose suddenly started singing as he began a very awkward looking dance. "And I am here to say! I'm gonna make you smile and-" His chest suddenly became riddled with training rounds.

"No!" Sarge declared angrily as he lowered his shotgun. "You are not stealing our girly dancing thunder! You already have a monopoly on childishness for winning over the pony!"

"Hey Grif!" Tucker called out, handguns in each hand. "How's this for a pirouette?" He then proceeded to perform a perfect pirouette while firing rounds off in Grif's direction each time the guns were pointed the right way.

Grif, for his part, swayed and dipped to dodge each round before spinning on his head and opening fire in his own way. "Break that down!" he declared angrily.

"Dance battle!" Donut cried out excitedly as he proceeded to open fire while performing rather 80s dance moves.

Church quickly snatched up Maud and moved out of the line of fire as a full fledged dance/gun battle broke out, with both teams trying to out-dance and out-shoot each other simultaneously...and managing to stay pretty even, even without his involvement. "I...have no idea what to make of this," he said finally.

"Is this the real life?" Doc sang out in confusion as Church approached him, his eyes unable to pull away from the strange battle which seemed to move slower as he sang. "Is this just fantasy?"

"...sounds about right," Church allowed before deciding to join in for the next two lines.

Caught in a land~slide
No escape from reality!

Maud smiled softly, feeling very at home for some reason.

TKFT

Once both teams managed to get all the song and dance out of their systems, they finally began to talk again as Sarge approached Church. "Alright!" he declared firmly. "It looks like we may need to renegotiate things as far as our standard arrangement of the flags, the paint, and the pony!"

"...how so?" Church asked carefully, gripping his sniper rifle.

"And why are you talking to him?" Tucker demanded petulantly. "Who died and left him in charge?"

Numerous judgmental gazes turned Tucker's way.

"...I'm just going to shut up now," Tucker allowed apologetically.

"How long do you think that will last?" Simmons asked Grif.

"I won't bother to hold my breath," Grif replied readily.

"You guys really don't like him, huh?" Donut asked curiously.

"He's my rival," Grif answered firmly. "I will prove superior to him one day, so I can throw it in his face that my lazy ass kicked his."

"How fascinating!" Donut purred happily. "Two soldiers endlessly struggling against the other...how exciting!"

"Hey Grif!" Simmons teased. "Maybe you should tell Donut about your thoughts regarding Maud making you a maso-"

"One more syllable and I'll Tucker you," Grif threatened, aiming his gun down.

"I'll shut up!" Simmons whimpered, covering his crotch with his hands and weapon.

"Why is my name now synonymous with getting shot in the dick?" Tucker demanded angrily.

"Told you it wouldn't take long," Grif pointed out smugly.

"Maud damn you," Tucker growled irritably.

"I'm talking to you because you're the only one on your team now that Flowers is gone that shows any signs of maturity!" Sarge told Church, answering the earlier question. "As such, I assume that puts you in charge! And there are a few things we need to discuss as far as the arrangement!"

"Oh?" Church asked guardedly. "Such as what?"

"First, we each have new troops!" Sarge explained firmly. "They need to be read in on the situation!"

"Easy enough," Church allowed, before turning to shout towards his daughter. "Maud! Tell your baby brother and new pet about the arrangement!"

"Everybody fights over me with paintballs that freeze their armor," Maud explained readily, her voice completely monotone. "Nobody dies. Everyone has fun. Everyone becomes better soldiers. We have parties with cake."

"Best. Assignment. Ever!" Donut and Caboose declared simultaneously.

"Second point!" Sarge declared firmly. "We now have vehicles that have weapons! How is that going to work as far as these combat simulations with paint?"

"Well, as long as both vehicles can use paint rounds in addition to live rounds, I don't see why we can't use them," Church allowed readily.

"But you have a tank!" Sarge declared angrily.

"And you have one more troop than us," Church countered. "So we get the better vehicle."

Sarge growled irritably, but finally relented. "Fine! But only if vehicle capture is allowed!"

"Only if it doesn't carry over to the next match," Church countered.

"Deal!"

"Right then!" Church confirmed. "Let's check to make sure the vehicles can be loaded with paint rounds." He turned towards the jeep in the near distance and the tank way off in the distance. "So...does anyone know how to check that?"

"We could just check our ammo stores to see if there are paint rounds for the auto-gun on the back of the jeep-" Simmons began.

"Looks like a pony to me," Maud pointed out dryly.

"As much as I'd love to call it a pony instead of a Warthog or whatever mythical creature Grif came up with to name it-" Sarge began.

"A puma is not mythical!" Grif snapped angrily. "It's another term for a cougar!"

"That looks nothing like an older woman!" Tucker called out.

"-if we called it The Pony, Grif or Simmons would be grabbing you when I wanted them to grab the jeep!" Sarge concluded. "So we can't call it The Pony!"

"The Manticore, then?" Maud suggested. "The large front is like the lion's mane, the ramming prongs look like the prominent fangs, and the gun is the stinger."

The Reds all turned towards the jeep thoughtfully. "...I like it," Grif murmured thoughtfully.

"I...can see it," Simmons allowed ruefully.

"We're going to end up going with it just because Maud suggested it and Sarge thinks that will get him in her good books, aren't we?" Donut asked curiously. "On the other hand, it does sound bad ass."

"Genius!" Sarge declared excitedly, though to who no one can be sure. "And how awesome is it going to sound when I shout, 'Simmons! Grab the Manticore'?"

"...I have to admit, that does sound awesome," Simmons agreed, slowly warming to the idea. "So, should I check if we have some non-lethal venom for the Manticore's sting, then?"

Sarge stared at Simmons in awe. "...never has preparation for a training exercise sounded more awesome," he breathed in wonder.

"So what about the tank?" Church asked curiously. "Does anyone even know how to reload it?" He turned back towards the tank. "...why's the canopy open?"

"I can check!" Caboose offered eagerly. "I wanna ride in the tank!"

"Sure," Church responded sarcastically. "I can't possibly imagine any way that could go wrong!"

"Yay!" Caboose declared happily. "Thanks Dad!" With that, he turned and raced off for the tank.

"...forgot he didn't get sarcasm?" Tucker asked carefully.

"Yeah, I kinda did," Church admitted.

Caboose eagerly climbed into the tank's canopy. "Gonna help Daddy!" he chanted happily to himself. "Gonna help Daddy!"

As he climbed in, the tank whirred to life as the engine hummed, a headlight illuminated, and a synthesized feminine voice spoke up. "Hello, and thank you for activating the M808V Main Battle Tank. You may call me Sheila."

Caboose froze up. P...pretty lady voice... he thought in sweaty terror in his mind. Don't make a fool of yourself! "Hello!" he declared excitedly. "Sheila...big tank lady? I'm gonna make a fool of myself."

"It is not part of my program to be judgmental of my pilots," Sheila responded warmly. "Would you like me to run the tutorial program to familiarize you with the controls so you don't look as foolish?"

"Uh, yes please," Caboose responded, starting to calm down. "Wow. Computer girls are super nice."

"Tutorial program activated," Sheila answered readily. "This program is intended to instruct non-certified personnel in the use of this Scorpion-class tank for training exercises and active-battle situations."

"Training?" Caboose asked excitedly. "So you have paint rounds?"

"Correct," Sheila confirmed. "This tank, as per requisition, is loaded with explosive paint spheres in addition to its destructive combat payload, currently set to OFF."

"Then I can drive the tank in the mock battles over Maud!" Caboose declared happily. "Yay!"

"Pony named Maud is classified as non-combat unit," Sheila confirmed. "As requested, let's begin with some driving."

Under Sheila's instructions, Caboose began to drive the tank inexpertly around the canyon as he tried to make sense of the controls. Eventually, he managed to get the tank partially stuck on a spire of rock, at which point Sheila declared the driving tutorial complete. "Now that you've mastered driving the M808V, let's move on to some safety features."

"Wait!" Caboose called out worriedly. "Why are there six pedals if there are only four directions?"

"The pedal in the upper left puts the M808V into fast run mode," Sheila explained. "This disables the gun turret independent aiming system in order to maximize forward thrust. The pedal in the upper right puts the M808V into silent run mode, which drastically decreases speed in exchange for reduction of noise, perfect for a night time surprise attack."

"...that makes sense," Caboose allowed. "So what about combat?"

"This tank is equipped with an auto-fire sequence," Sheila explained, "that can be activated by pressing the auto-fire button."

Caboose looked down at the controls. "...that's a lot of buttons..."

Some time later, Simmons and Grif drove back up to the group in the Manticore. "Ready and loaded with the paint rounds!" Simmons declared happily.

As the tank pulled up, Church looked up at it. "So what about the tank, Caboose?"

"It's already got paint!" Caboose called back happily. "Just...as soon as I figure out how to shoot them. Is it this button? No..."

"Alright!" Sarge declared. "Everybody back to base for the first vehicle battle!" Hopping into the Manticore, he directed Grif to drive them back to base.

"Alright," Church spoke up. "Let's get started-"

"Oh, this one!" Caboose declared happily.

"Auto-fire engaged," Sheila spoke up. "Target locked." The barrel of the tank's cannon tracked the movement of the Manticore before firing, an explosive shell hitting just behind it.

"Great googly moogly!" Sarge screamed out. "That was a live shell! What do you dam dirty Blues think you're doing?"

"Adjusting for movement," Sheila intoned calmly over open comms.

"Abandon vehicle!" Sarge screamed out as the four Reds leapt off the Manticore just before the next shot sent it flying through the air.

"Caboose, what are you doing?" Church screamed out as the cannon swept around.

"Seeking new target," Sheila spoke up.

"I don't know how to stop it!" Caboose screamed out worriedly. "That wasn't covered in the tutu-reel!"

"Target located," Sheila declared as the cannon pointed at Tucker.

"Not it!" Tucker screamed out as he dove behind rock cover just before the shell impacted.

"I'm out of here!" Doc screamed as he grabbed Maud and ran.

"Non-combat target detected," Sheila stated as the cannon pointed briefly at Doc, the crosshairs locked on Maud. "Searching for new target."

"Caboose!" Church screamed out. "Get out!"

"I don't know how!"

"Target found," Sheila declared. "Firing."

"NO!" Caboose screamed out as he saw where the cannon was pointed.

A deafening explosion...and Church was sent flying through the air, blood trailing from his armor.

"DAAAAD!" Caboose screamed out in despair, slamming his fists down on the tank's controls.

"Auto-fire disabled," Sheila intoned calmly.

"...Dad..." Maud murmured sadly.

"Church!" Tucker called out as he raced to Church's side. "Church, speak to me!"

"T...Tucker..." Church managed to gasp out. "D...do me a favor..."

"Name it, buddy," Tucker answered immediately.

"If...if I don't make it..." Church coughed weakly. "If Doc can't fix me...my armor's still intact. Get...get someone to fix it up...for Maud..."

"I'll make sure of it," Tucker responded. "But you're not going to die. You hear me Church?" There was no answer. "Church? CHUUUURCH?!"

A Ghost of a Chance

Doc was there almost immediately to examine Church...but his report was unpleasant. There was nothing he could do, Church was dead. Caboose proved to be inconsolable, as he wailed about having 'killed New Daddy' as he clung tightly to Maud...who oddly showed no reaction to the events whatsoever.

Tucker wasn't much of one for emotional moments, so he instead did what he felt he had to do. He quickly stripped Church of his armor and cybernetic arm for use in making armor for Maud as requested, and then buried what was left respectfully beside Captain Flowers. He then took the armor, Caboose, and Maud back to Blue Base so he could figure out what to do next. "Okay...I have no idea what I'm doing here," he said as he picked up the armor and examined it. "I'm not really good with tools, maybe I should...ask Grif for help? He seems to have made a lot..."

"Tools?" Caboose asked curiously. "Why do you need tools?"

"Church asked me to turn his armor into armor for Maud," Tucker explained. "But...I don't know the first thing about it, or where to begin-"

"Oh!" Caboose declared eagerly. "I can do that! I'm good with tools and machines! Let me try!"

Tucker glanced askance at Caboose. "I dunno, rookie. You didn't seem to handle that tank very well..."

"Please?" Caboose begged. "I need to make up for that..."

Tucker sighed. "Tell you what. Draw up a schematic for complete armor and weapons for her, and if I can read it we'll talk-"

"Done!" Caboose declared eagerly as he held up a completed schematic. "I've been working on it ever since New Daddy went boom, cause I don't want my pony sis to go boom."

Tucker stared at the image for a time. "...okay," he said finally. "It doesn't look...too bad. Let's see what you've got." He pushed the armor and arm over to him. "In the meantime, I'm going to contact command. We're badly outnumbered, and Maud just lost her Dad. I think I can fix both of those with one call."

"You can bring New Daddy back from the dead?" Caboose gasped excitedly.

"...not exactly," Tucker corrected as he turned to go. Once he'd left the room, he opened his communicator. "Private First Class Tucker to Blue Command. Private First Class Tucker to Blue Command."

"Blue Command, this is Vic!" the response came. "How can I be helping you on this fine day?"

"We're down two men, and two of our remaining number are emotional wrecks, and we're outnumbered two to one," Tucker responded quickly. "We need backup as soon as we can get it!"

"Eeyikes!" Vic answered with a wince in his voice. "That does sound bad. Well, I can send you some backup in a few weeks-"

"Actually, I was hoping you could send us a Freelancer," Tucker interrupted. "A...specific Freelancer."

"If you know the call sign, I can see if they're available," Vic responded readily. "I've got one available to get there by the end of the day..."

Several hours later, Doc, Caboose, and Maud were standing atop Blue Base as Caboose put the finishing touches on Maud's armor. "And...there we go!" Caboose declared happily. "How does that feel?"

"It feels fine," Maud replied as she moved about in the armor, it having been reshaped and molded to her frame.

"And since there was so much extra material, it'll grow with you!" Caboose declared happily.

"Good job," Maud praised calmly.

Doc carefully observed from the side, using his helmet's scanner to read off the details of the new armor's specs, along with the weapons Caboose had included, which were currently collapsed inward to Maud's sides like saddlebags.

"That's some...interesting armor," he observed calmly. "With some...unique functions..."

"Yeah, I tried to give it everything," Caboose confirmed happily.

"Yes, I'm certain the...latte maker was very important," Doc observed. "Important enough to cannibalize the central cooling unit."

"Maud's too cool anyway," Caboose countered happily. "And everyone loves coffee!"

"Even when it...tastes like gravel..." Doc allowed.

"She eats rocks."

"And of course, if she has a latte maker she needs cupholders," Doc allowed somewhat sarcastically. "I'm sure that was a very good use for the very expensive data archive terminal I put in the cybernetic arm you cannibalized for that purpose."

"It was the right shape," Caboose confirmed. "What does expensive mean?"

Doc glanced towards the rapidly fluctuating teleporter atop Blue Base. "And you cannibalized the teleporter receiver matrix, which means the teleporter now will send someone anywhere...to make a system to let Maud teleport back to Blue Base whenever she wants to."

"Well, she can teleport anyway," Caboose allowed. "This way, she won't get lost anymore."

"And you took apart the Base's communication systems...to give her an FM radio," Doc observed.

"Only the best for little sis!" Caboose declared proudly.

"Tuned to an endless polka channel."

"Everybody loves polka!"

"I managed to retune it," Maud offered calmly. "I only get one song, but I like it."

"But how did you make the weapons collapse that small?" Doc asked curiously, poking the bags that barely seemed large enough for books, let along weapons nearly bigger than Maud.

"Oh, Maud has magic," Caboose declared happily. "I made the armor tap that to make that work. But I kept getting this weird Isis error about fragmentary echo retention...but the radio and audio systems work fine, so I turned those off."

Maud blinked as mentioning it briefly called the error message onto her HUD.

A.I. Sys Error: Interface Circuitry Malfunction
Unknown energy type
AI Fragment insertion may cause echo retention upon removal

Since she didn't understand what that meant, she blinked it away and decided to ignore it.

"Tuuuuckerrrr..." a ghostly voice began to echo. "Tuuuuckerrrr..." A ghostly image of a troop in the same armor as the Reds and Blues, but white, appeared before them. "I come back with a- and he's not even here!" The ghostly aspect of the voice vanished, becoming much clearer and familiar. "I make all this effort to pierce the veil and come back as a ghost to give him an important warning, and he doesn't even stick around to hear it!"

"New Daddy's a ghost!" Caboose wailed out.

"Hi Dad," Maud greeted calmly, the slightest bit of warmth in her voice. "Took you long enough."

The ghost of Church turned to Maud in surprise. "I...have no idea what that is supposed to mean," he observed thoughtfully. "But I see your armor is finished."

"I made it!" Caboose declared happily.

"Huh, good job rookie," Church observed idly. "Now where's Tucker?"

"Probably off training," Doc observed thoughtfully. "He already called Command about getting backup and taking care of Maud."

"Wait, and?" Church asked in confusion. "How could he take care of both?"

"He said he called in Maud's Mom," Doc allowed readily. "Not sure who that is-"

"He called in Tex?!" Church screamed out in shock.

"Is...is that who he called?" Doc asked nervously.

"Yes, that's who he called!" Caboose declared happily. "He said so!"

Church stared at the group in silence. "...that flocking cockbite son of a finch!" he screamed out in rage. "I am so haunting him and making sure he never gets any!"

"Cockbite?" Maud asked curiously.

"He's talking about a rooster!" Caboose declared happily.

"Ah."

Author's Note

Images provided by ProfessorCatPro, who also helped come up with a good amount of the armor design.

Image sources:
https://kidtoonstudios.deviantart.com/art/Maud-s-guns-The-Rock-In-The-Gulch-703197462?ga_submit_new=10%3A1504793402
https://kidtoonstudios.deviantart.com/art/Maud-s-Guns-Modified-703291284?ga_submit_new=10%3A1504836082

A State of Being

Agent Texas frowned under her helmet as she took in Blood Gulch from the edge. She didn't know what nonsense was going on here, but she honestly couldn't care. The Freelancer project had fallen apart, Alpha was...best not to think about that. At this point, every remaining Freelancer was looking out for themselves, hanging onto their equipment to survive or to avoid observation by Headquarters...save those few who were still loyal to the director. Not that she really thought much about those. The one that dominated her thoughts was Maine-

You mean the Meta.

Shut up, she snapped at Omega, once more pushing him to the back of her mind. She knew she'd never be rid of him - and it was better she wasn't - his words in the back of her mind were frustrating. She wanted an internal monologue, not a dialogue.

She'd received a request for assistance here. The message had been garbled - mostly because the dumb AI that had related it appeared to be undergoing some sort of data-corruption related psychotic break - but she was able to get enough to know that she'd been called in to assist the Blue Team...and requested by name. Well, by code name at least.

As far as she was concerned, that meant she had two missions here. First, kill the Reds so she could leave whenever she wanted. Second, find out who here knew enough about the Freelancer Program to ask for her by name, but not enough to know what happened on her last visit to the Mother of Invention. That was not a very long list, and whoever it was could be...important.

The call had been sent earlier that day, so she was pretty certain she could find whoever it was before they could get away. All she needed to do was find someone she could intimidate into getting information. That shouldn't be too difficult.

Entering the canyon, her scanners quickly picked up that there was a large gathering of individuals near one base, while there was only a single person on their own near the other. She decided to go after the lone individual first for intimidation purposes. If they were Red, she would get answers and then kill them. If they were Blue, she would get answers and scare them into submission.

...she wasn't sure what to do, given they turned out to be Purple. She decided to drop her cloak before engaging in combat, just in case they weren't a sim trooper.

The purple armored troop spun towards her...only to scream in terror. "Agent Texas!" he screamed in fear. "I didn't tell them about you, please don't kill me!"

Plainly intimidation isn't something I need to worry about here, she thought to herself as she approached what she now recognized as a medical officer. "Identify yourself," she demanded harshly, her voice modulator hiding what she really sounded like.

"Medical Officer Frank DuFresne!" the man replied hastily. "Everybody calls me Doc! Please don't kill me!"

Kill him, he's useless.

Texas grit her teeth as she disabled her voice modulator. "I'm not going to kill you," she promised softly. "Just...tell me what I'm doing here. Why was I called specifically?"

"Oh, that would be because of the pony," Doc responded immediately.

...pony?

"The pony?" Texas demanded, wanting clarification.

"The talking pony that everybody's fighting over!" Doc insisted defensively. "I think you were called in because she's your daughter or something...somehow."

Texas stared at Doc until he visibly began to sweat through his armor.

...kill him. His mind's plainly gone. It would be a mercy.

...quite possibly, she admitted silently, but not for the reasons you say, I don't think. "And where is this...pony?" she demanded coldly.

"Mom."

Texas spun quickly. That voice had come from right behind her, which had startled her quite a bit. She hadn't heard anything move. On top of that, Omega hadn't heard anything move, and was just as startled. Tracking the voice, she found herself staring at a tiny grey pony with a dull purple mane, a sim trooper helmet unfolding from around her face into the armor she was wearing. "...what are you?" she demanded in shock.

"Maud," the pony responded readily. She then placed one hoof on Texas' foot. "Mom."

Texas backed up several paces so she could look directly at Maud without bending completely over...coincidentally moving out of reach of Maud's hoof. "No," she stated rather firmly. "I am not your-"

"Mom," Maud insisted firmly, taking a step forward.

"No!" Texas countered insistently, unwittingly taking a matching step back.

"Yes."

"No!"

"Yes."

"No!"

"Yes."

Silence her...kill her!

"NO!" Texas screamed out, though whether at Maud or at Omega she wasn't entirely sure. Lunging forward, she swung her fist at Maud with all her strength. She heard what sounded like a miniature sonic boom as her clenched fist impacted...Maud's raised hoof.

Texas could only stare in stunned amazement. She'd caved in hull plating with a blow like that in the past! Even other Freelancers had only been able to evade or deflect that strike, as taking the hit would always send them flying back. How...how could this pony stop her-

Before her thoughts could continue, Maud suddenly lifted her leg, and Texas found herself flipping through the air, only to be slammed repeatedly into the ground, leaving craters with every impact. It didn't actually hurt all that much - both because Texas was naturally tough and because she'd quickly turned off her pain awareness as soon as she'd felt herself lifted off the ground - but the sheer absurdity and intensity of the situation kept her from reacting as she might normally have. She was being flipped around by something not much bigger than most of her hand-held weapons!

Before she could shake that thought and react with proper violence - in fact, the very moment before she was about to do so - she found herself flying through the air, only to slam back-first into the wall of the canyon, once more cratering it. As she gathered her senses, she saw Maud behind a nearby boulder, bunching up her hind legs-

The boulder exploded, spears of stone flying towards her at high velocity. She held perfectly still as the spears embedded in the wall around her, hemming her in until she was completely pinned to the wall, unable to move anything but her eyes and slightly turn her head.

Maud calmly approached, then leapt up the spears one at a time until she was standing on Texas' right shoulder. "Yes," she insisted firmly.

Kill the impossibi-

Maud's hoof suddenly lashed out, catching Omega's invisible projection on the underside of its chin and knocking it unconscious.

Texas knew if she weren't wearing her helmet just now, her jaw would be dragging on the ground. "I have no idea how you did any of that," she finally managed to say, "but...I like your style."

"Mom?" Maud asked with a slight tilt of her head.

Texas turned to stare at Maud. Even with what had happened, she still wanted to say no...but then she saw the way Maud's eyes were watering slightly. "...sure, why not?"

Maud hugged her head tightly with all four limbs. "Mom," she said, a slight tinge of happiness in her voice.

"...fuck, what have I gotten myself into?" Texas groaned.

"Fuck?" Maud asked curiously, a slight kick causing all the spears of stone to crumble, freeing Texas.

"A slang prejorative derived from a crude term for the act of copulation," Texas answered immediately and readily as she worked her limbs to check for injury. I'm going to be feeling this one in the morning...

"Copulation?"

"Sex."

"...sex?"

Texas chuckled as she shifted Maud into her arms. "That one can wait until you're older."

A State of Parenting

Texas calmly walked further into Blood Gulch, now heading towards the large concentration of armor signals she'd picked up when she first entered the canyon. While she wasn't entirely pleased that her assignment here amounted to 'babysitter', she would learn to deal with it. Besides, it might just end up being fun, especially if the other troops were at all entertaining. If nothing else, they might scream as well as that Doc person had. However, one thing was going to cause problems.

"You need to get off my head," she told Maud firmly.

"No," Maud replied in a calm monotone, clinging all the more tightly to Tex's helmet, all four legs wrapped around it.

"I'll pry you off if I have to," Texas countered angrily.

"When Dad first found me, I crushed his armor."

"Sim trooper armor is hardly that durable," Texas pointed out logically.

"My armor is made from his. Is it sim trooper?" Maud asked curiously. "What's a sim trooper?"

Curious, Texas turned her head to get a scan of Maud's armor. Without Omega active in her systems, she had to handle it herself. She was able to do so, even if she didn't like doing things humans couldn't. She felt her eyes widen as she got the scan results. "It's...it's made of the same material as Freelancer armor!"

"I've gotten stronger since then," Maud pointed out.

Texas mentally scratched out attempting to pry Maud off of her, not wanting to risk finding out if she could control this body if the skull were crushed. "Fine," she decided flatly. "As your Mother, I order you to get off."

"Fuck no," Maud countered flatly.

"Excuse me?" Texas demanded angrily.

"If you're my Mom, I have to act like your daughter," Maud explained logically.

Texas ground her teeth in frustration, but had to admit that the little pony had a valid point. "And how am I supposed to come across as intimidating to the rest of the idiots here with you clinging to my head?" she demanded pointedly.

"Not my problem," Maud replied as she nuzzled her. "I scare all of them already."

Texas paused in her attempts at trying to get Maud off of her to let that bounce around her head a bit. Given how Maud had trounced her earlier - even if it was because she was caught off guard - she could see why Sim Troopers would be terrified of her. Still, that didn't exactly help Texas establish herself as intimidating. The last thing she wanted was to be known as 'the scary pony's Mom'. Not that she had a problem with being known as Maud's Mom now that she thought about it, but she was Agent Texas! She needed to be terrifying for being her, not because she was riding on someone else's reputation. She wracked her brain, trying to come up with a way to get Maud to let her be intimidating on her own right. "...please walk beside me instead?" she tried desperately.

"Okay," Maud agreed, hopping down to the ground to walk beside her.

Texas blinked at that for a time. "...so you listen to please, but not a direct order?" she asked curiously.

"I'm magic, and you said the magic word," Maud explained bluntly.

"...huh," Texas allowed thoughtfully. "And...how'd you end up with everyone scared of you, anyway?"

"Punched through rock with my bare hooves," Maud began with the air of someone making a list. "Ate rock. Teleported somehow. Kicked a locker into orbit. Crushed armor. Tried to be like you."

"Tried to be like me?" Texas asked curiously, making mental note to review the others later. "How'd you even know about me?"

"Dad told me about you," Maud explained. "But no one would give me their skull to beat them to death with."

Texas hesitated. While she admitted that beating someone to death with their own skull sounded like something she would do - and actually sounded kind of fun when she thought about it - she had never actually done that. "Who is your Dad?" she asked curiously. "Is he around?"

"He's around," Maud replied readily. "He's like you, but he broke. He doesn't know why he's still working, so he's Schrodinger now."

Texas frowned, frustrated both from trying to parse what Maud was saying and the fact she was being so vague. "Can't you be more specific?"

"I can," Maud answered immediately.

Texas started to wait for an answer, then realized what she would do if she answered like that. "But you're not going to because you think it will be entertaining to watch me metaphorically tear my hair out?"

"Or literally, but that would mean taking off your helmet," Maud confirmed.

"Well, can you at least tell me how he talked about me?" Texas asked curiously.

"He remembered waking up uncertain of himself, and you telling him that you used to be together," Maud explained readily.

Texas froze. She knew exactly who she'd said that to. But there was no way...she'd said that because it looked like he was on the verge of neural collapse, as if he'd cease functioning if she'd tried to evacuate him as she'd planned...or even if he was left there any longer. He was broken. How could he...how could he have become Maud's father?

"Hi Sis!" a happy voice called out as a blue armored sim trooper ran up. "Who's the black lady?"

"Sis?" Texas asked Maud curiously, latching onto the distraction to not think about the new revelation for a bit.

"I asked Dad if I could keep him, and Dad adopted him," Maud explained.

"Hello!" the soldier greeted happily. "My name is Michael J. Caboose!"

"...Agent Texas," Texas offered darkly, shifting her grip on her weapon to a more ready position.

Caboose gasped excitedly. "Ohmigosh, you're New Mommy!" he declared excitedly.

"What?" Texas growled out angrily.

"New Daddy adopted me to be New Sis' idiot little brother!" Caboose declared happily. "New Daddy said you were New Sis' Mommy, so that makes you my New Mommy!"

"Oh hell no!" Texas snapped out, lifting her weapon. "I draw the line at being Mom to the pony because she's badass. I am not playing babysitter to some helpless Blue-"

"Yes you are," Maud stated firmly.

"No, I'm not!" Texas snapped back, rounding on Muad.

"Yes."

"No!"

"Yes."

"NO!"

"Yes."

Texas lifted her gun to point the barrel at Maud. "I! SAID-"

Maud lunged in, her teeth closing around the magazine and chamber and crunching right through the metal. She pulled back, chewing thoughtfully as Texas stared in awe. "...too oxidized," she murmured thoughtfully. "Needs more sulfur."

Texas glanced from her gun to Maud for a time...then turned to Caboose. "...okay."

"Yay!" Caboose declared happily, throwing his arms into the air in excitement. He lunged forward, arms outstretched towards Texas. "New Mommy-"

"No hugs until you earn it!" Texas snapped out firmly, glaring Caboose down.

"Okay!" Caboose agreed happily as he backed off. "Sis, can I try something?"

Maud swallowed her mouthful and shrugged. "Sure."

Grinning Caboose scooped Maud up with one hand gently gripping her under her barrel. He grabbed her tail with the other and began to rotate it while saying, "Dakkadakkadakkadakka-!"

As her tail rotated, Maud's lips pursed and the bullets she'd eaten began to fly out at high velocity.

Texas stared at Maud thoughtfully. "...that is the most adorable minigun I've ever seen. That's fucking awesome."

Caboose gasped in horror. "You said bad words in front of Maud! You're a bad influence!"

"More like a badass influence," Texas countered smugly as she put her gun away and took Maud from Caboose, holding the little pony as her weapon. Plainly in this canyon, that was the way to be intimidating.

"Dakka dakka dakka," Maud offered in monotone agreement.

A New Voice

By the time the sparring match finally finished - with no clear winner - Texas was both impressed and confused by what was going on in this canyon. One thing she knew, however, was that she needed to get those answers...and also talk to 'Church'. Maud had described him as a Schrodinger, and Texas knew what that meant. Of course, the hard part would be managing to find him so she could talk to him. She turned to Maud. "So where's your Dad?" she asked firmly.

"Over there," Maud said calmly as she looked at a nearby hill. "He always watches the sparring matches. He's in and out just now, though."

Nodding, Texas walked over to the hill in question. "About here?"

Maud nodded.

Texas took a deep breath, then let it out. Intellectually, she knew it wasn't her lungs, and yet the exercise still helped calm her...even if what she was calming herself for was a disconnect. "Maud, I'm going to...pull a little in-n-out myself," she explained calmly.

"Bow-chicka-bow-OW!" Tucker called out, only for his taunt to be interrupted as Texas easily kicked a small rock into his faceplate without even turning to look.

"And while I'm doing that, i need you to do something for me," Texas continued.

"The glowy not-Dad in your head?" Maud asked calmly.

"Exactly," Texas confirmed. "While I'm...out, he might try something. Can you make sure he doesn't?"

Turning, Maud reached up to Texas' shoulder and drew back clutching a glowing grey sphere between her front hooves. "I've got him," she stated calmly.

Texas tried not to stare. "...Maud, when you meet people outside this canyon, a lot of them are going to complain about how the things you do shouldn't be possible. When that happens...flog them with their own spinal cord, then put it back so they can feel it afterwards, okay?"

"I can do that?" Maud asked in surprise.

"It honestly wouldn't surprise me," Texas offered warmly. "Just don't test it on anyone you're worried about putting back together in one piece. Your aim with anything smaller than a boulder could still use some work." Knowing Maud had everything in hoof, Texas...stepped out.

She found herself in an odd reflection of Blood Gulch, with muted colors and a grey sky. Standing right in front of her was a figure she knew all too well. This was Alpha, although here he was known as... "Church."

Church looked at her in shock. "Texas? Are...are you dead, too?"

"Just astral projecting," she responded easily. "Needed to talk to you about a few things, figured this was easier since it's apparently a strain for you to manifest so I can see and hear you. Or you might have been avoiding me because you were scared I'd still find some way to break several of your limbs over making me a Mom without asking permission despite you not currently possessing limbs to break."

"Bow-chicka-bow-OW!" echoed through the ether.

"And Maud's aim seems to be getting better," Texas observed in wry amusement.

"But...but how are you astral projecting?" Church demanded in confusion.

"My daughter had to get it from somewhere," she answered flippantly.

"That doesn't make any sense!" he countered in frustration.

"Said the ghost father of the talking pony," Texas indicated wryly.

Church sighed ruefully. "Point made. So...you're not mad about Maud seeing you as Mom?"

"Had I heard it from you? I'd have definitely broken something," Texas confirmed. "But having met her first, I think she can live up to it. Now her 'idiot baby brother', on the other hand..."

"Oh fudge," Church groaned, his body briefly flaring pink when he didn't curse, only to fade back into white.

Texas stared at him thoughtfully. That was...interesting. "Now, perhaps you can tell me why the conflict in the canyon is so...odd."

"It was Captain Flowers' idea," Church explained. "He told me it would lead to everyone being stronger fighters and thus better protectors for Maud."

More like for you, Texas thought silently in her mind. That explained quite a bit of Agent Florida's motivations. This canyon was here to hide and protect Church...whatever form he was in. Florida had used Maud as a way to shape the canyon so even the standard conflicts worked to better protect Church. "And now you and Flowers are dead," Texas observed. "Why isn't he here?"

"I think he already passed on," Church suggested thoughtfully. He briefly blazed pink again. "But I can't. I need to look after Maud."

"I'll lend a hand," Texas offered, deciding to think about pink another time. "She's a cute kid. Besides...I wanted a talking pony at some point in my life, I'm certain."

"It's...it's good to see you, Tex," Church offered warmly. "Do...do you think we can...fix what went wrong?"

It took a few moments for Texas to parse what Church meant. He still thought her words about them 'used to be together' was that she was his ex-girlfriend...which meant they broke up. He was asking about fixing what caused them to break up. ...but that wasn't even close to what really happened. "It's not something that can be fixed, Church," she pointed out, hiding her own sadness. After all, she couldn't fix him. "But...I think we can work around it. For Maud."

"I...I'd like that," Church replied happily.

"For now, I'm going to step back in," Texas explained. "Shouldn't leave Maud unwatched too long...and I need to talk to Sarge and Tucker about the role I'm going to play in this canyon." With that, she slipped back into her body.

She found herself staring at Sarge. "What do you want?" she demanded coldly.

"Oh, good!" Sarge replied happily. "You're back in! Maud said you were out! It's time for introductions! First up is someone Maud hasn't met yet either!" Stepping to the side, he revealed a brown-armored soldier that Texas was immediately able to identify as being artificial. "This is Lopez, our mechanic! I haven't brought him around much because I built him from a kit that didn't include a voice chip, and I didn't want Maud to feel like she had competition in the 'barely talks' category!"

Lopez waved.

"I've got a spare voice modulator," Texas spoke up. Spare in the sense I'm not going to use it anymore, she added silently. "I could probably tweak it for him to use."

"He needs a voice," Maud agreed, grabbing the modulator off Texas' armor and jamming it into Lopez' circuitry.

"Seriously?!" Simmons screamed out from nearby. "Can't you do anything the way it's supposed to be done? At this rate I feel like the only way to deal with you is to have a drinking game where I take a shot every time you do something that should be impossible, but my liver's nowhere near strong enough for that and there isn't nearly enough booze in the canyon-"

"Actually, I've managed to make some good booze out of what I've mined...somehow," Grif offered. "Want some?"

"...actually, I think I do," Simmons agreed, turning to follow Grif.

"I want to call them on drinking on duty...but that mine booze sure sounds good...but Grif made it...I'm so conflicted!"

"Wait, Lopez isn't a real person?" Caboose asked Sarge in confusion once the red leader managed to stop ranting to himself.

"Him never talking, flipping vehicles over to work on them with his bare hands, and drinking motor oil didn't tip you off?" Sarge asked in confusion.

"I do those second two things!" Caboose pointed out happily.

If half of these troops were female, I'd be convinced this canyon was a super-human breeding experiment by now, Texas thought to herself. A failed one, but still...

<"So this is what it is going to be like from now on,"> Lopez observed in Spanish. <"Somehow I shouldn't be surprised.">

"Lopez!" Sarge spoke up angrily. "Why are you speaking that nonsense jargon?"

"He's speaking Spanish," Texas pointed out. "Probably a result of Maud shoving it in skewing the settings. I could probably fix it-"

"If Maud wants him speaking Spanish, then by God Lopez is gonna speak Spanish!" Sarge insisted firmly.

<"And there is the joke,"> Lopez observed sadly. <"Either Maud will be the only one who speaks Spanish, or no one will understand, or Maud will understand but pretend not to because she finds it amusing. But whichever way it goes, I am doomed to never being understood except by other machines. ...at least the readers will have subtitles and get the joke.">

A New Paradigm

Texas looked down at Maud. "So this is Sarge?" she asked her calmly.

"Yes, I'm Sarge!" Sarge responded firmly. "Red Leader in this-"

"I didn't ask you," Texas interrupted.

"Well, why not?" Sarge demanded angrily.

"Because despite the apparent combat competence of Grif and Tucker, from what I've seen I wouldn't trust half of you idiots to be able to remember your own names half the time," Texas answered readily.

"WHAT?" Sarge shouted in fury. "Do you really think Red Command would appoint a battlefield commander who couldn't remember his own name?"

"Yes."

Sarge stared at Texas for a time. "...yeah, you're her mother alright," he agreed, reaching over to pet Maud.

"This is Sarge," Maud confirmed.

"Alright, who's in charge of the Blues?" Texas demanded. "I understand two of their leaders have already died."

"Hrrmmm..." Sarge gripped his shotgun as he lowered his head in thought. "Well, Blue membership is down to Tucker and Caboose."

"Between the perv and the idiot, I think Maud's in charge," Texas concluded dryly.

"Well, she's pretty much in charge of the entire canyon at this point," Sarge allowed, "but you were asking about who you talk to about the Combat Arrangement, weren't you?"

Texas stared at Sarge for a time. "Wow, there actually is a brain in there. I am genuinely surprised."

"Hey!" Sarge declared angrily as he lifted his gun.

"And the brain is gone," Texas allowed, lifting Maud like a weapon. "You really think you can take a Freelancer armed with blatantly superior firepower?"

"I can certainly go down-"

"Bow-chicka-bow-OW! Caboose!"

"What? Mom and Sis did it, so now it was my turn!"

"-trying!" Sarge concluded, ignoring the brief interruption.

"Oh, I call next!" Donut called to Tucker.

Simmons snickered into the booze Grif had provided him. "That's what she said."

"Bow-Chicka-DON'T YOU DARE!"

"Aww...but I wanna join in on the fun!"

Grif couldn't stop himself from chuckling. "That's what she said.

"Bow-Chicka-I WILL LOAD THIS WITH LIVE AMMO, DONUT!"

"I have a hard time believing you can shoot anything other than blanks," Texas observed dryly.

"Bow-Chicka-Bow-Wow!" everyone but Tucker declared in unison.

Tucker glowered around at everyone. "What, is it suddenly shit on Tucker day?"

Texas turned Maud around to point her other end at Tucker. "It will be if you don't stop cursing and get over here to do leadership business."

"Can I get some fiber first?" Maud asked dryly.

Tucker quickly rushed over. "Fine, let's just get this leadership nonsense over. Sheesh, and I thought Maud would inherit being in charge from Church."

"She is not yet a Blue!" Sarge declared angrily. "The battle for her has not yet concluded!"

"She's wearing Blue armor and she has guns she can use," Tucker pointed out dryly. "I'm pretty sure those were the agreed on points of growth where we decided she would make a choice."

"The armor's Blue in memory of her dead father!" Sarge snapped out angrily. "That doesn't mean she wants to be a Blue!"

"I think I want to be Freelance like Mom," Maud observed dryly as Texas turned her back around to face forward. "That way everyone has to do what I say and I get to kick their asses."

Texas chuckled warmly. "That's my girl."

"Then the truce is ended!" Sarge declared angrily. "The Reds and Blues of this canyon are at war once again!"

"Don't you still want Maud to work for you?" Texas pointed out thoughtfully.

"Of course we do!" Sarge insisted. "But we no longer have any reason not to kill the dam dirty Blues to accomplish that goal!"

"That's one way to look at it, I suppose," Texas allowed dryly.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Only that if we're both Freelancers, we work for whoever pays us," Texas pointed out. While a complete fabrication, she wasn't about to explain the Freelancer program - or the fact that the entire Red vs Blue conflict was made up to give Freelancers live armies to work with for training - to these idiots. It would probably crush their fragile brains...not to mention upset Maud. "And I was contracted to this canyon to take care of Maud. Since she's chosen to Freelance like me, that means we both are free to take other jobs if we want to. So...can the Reds or the Blues in this canyon pay us more to fight for them?"

"But the Reds have more men!" Tucker declared angrily. "Not to mention Grif's the one who's been mining the stuff Maud likes! How are we supposed to beat that?"

"I can pay in love and snuggles?" Caboose offered hopefully.

"Your counter offer?" Maud asked Sarge quietly.

"WHAT?" Sarge declared in outrage. "You're actually entertaining 'love and snuggles' as a serious offer to hire your services?"

"Yes."

"And you're letting her?" Sarge demanded of Texas.

"I can't see why not. She asked your counter offer."

"Then I will distill the essence of love and snuggles out of the Earth and turn it into a tangible item and offer more of it!" Sarge proclaimed intensely. "And in this way forever prove the superiority of the Reds over the Blues!"

"I really want to say that's impossible," Doc spoke up thoughtfully, "but I still haven't figured out why the medical scanner turns pink when I point it at Maud. So I guess anything really is possible."

"Grif!" Sarge called out. "Get to mining! See if you can dig up some hugs or something!"

"Hardly the strangest thing I'll have found down there," Grif allowed, sipping his booze, munching some cookies, and not bothering to leap to obey the direct order.

"Simmons! You're sciency and growing stuff! Grow some Valentine flowers or something and work on distilling the essence of love!"

"I have absolutely no idea how that could possibly work, but I'm pretty sure I'm drunk so it sounds brilliant sir!" Simmons declared as he leapt to his feet, fell flat on his feet, staggered back upward, refilled his tankard, and swayed off towards his vegetable garden.

"As the only member of Red Team with any weaponry know-how, I will work on figuring out how to weaponize love and snuggles so we can use it to kill Blues as we win over Maud!" Sarge declared firmly.

"And what should I do, sir?" Donut asked eagerly.

"You're on sabotage duty!" Sarge insisted. "Until Maud actually accepts the Blues offer, we have time to give a better one! Do whatever it takes to keep the Blues from giving Maud sufficient Love and Snuggles to win her over!" He then hesitated as he noticed Maud and Texas looking right at him. "You two didn't hear any of that!" he declared firmly before slowly backing away from them all the way to Red Base.

"So...are things always this crazy here when you guys aren't fighting?" Texas asked Tucker curiously.

"Pretty much, yeah," Tucker allowed.

"We love it here!" Caboose proclaimed excitedly.

A New Motivation

Texas watched as Grif brought regular supplies of unusual - and frankly impossible - resources to Red Base, occasionally detouring to give Maud odd globes that she eagerly snatched up to snuggle briefly before making them vanish. Despite her best attempts, Texas had been unable to locate the 'mine' Grif claimed to be getting all of these from, or identify most of what he hauled out as real materials. ...she had to admit that the snacks he made from those mining attempts were quite delicious, somehow.

On the other side of the Base, Simmons seemed to be performing drunk gardening. While Sarge apparently didn't normally approve of being drunk on duty, Simmons was somehow able to grow unnatural and impossible plants while drunk - not to mention having somehow distilled something unique from Valentine's flowers - so he was given special permission to be drunk while gardening. His singing would have been prohibited, but it encouraged plant growth even as it drove away people with how bad it was...so Sarge had added it to his list of 'things to weaponize' instead.

Sarge could be seen in Red Base, working hard on something incongruous with Donut trying to help. Lopez was standing next to Texas and Maud, watching in confusion.

<"I am unable to understand the science behind these new weapon designs that my team is building,"> he stated in Spanish. <"I am an engineering robot. How is this possible?">

"Probably because as a robot and a Dumb AI, you can only think logically," Texas observed calmly. "The longer you hang out with these idiots, the more adjusted you'll get, and things will start to make sense again."

<"You...you can understand me?"> Lopez asked hopefully.

"No. Just as a logic driven Dumb AI, you're very predictable as far as what you'll say in what situation," Texas corrected easily.

<"You can't be serious.">

"Or I might just be messing with you."

<"...I loath you with every servo.">

"See? You're starting to fit in already."

<"Makers forbid.">

"And these idiots are your makers."

<"I no longer have any desire to take action here. Someone take me now."> Lopez suddenly jerked and twisted, a brief image overshadowing him. <"Thanks for the loan!"> Church declared happily...in Spanish. <"Oh, what the fudge? Seriously? I speak English! Why can't I make the robot speak English?">

"Because Maud wants it to speak Spanish," Texas replied readily. "Was wondering when you'd join us again."

"Hi Dad," Maud greeted, a soft smile on her face.

<"So you do speak Spanish!"> Church insisted as he reached over to pet Maud.

"Or I know you so well that you're very predictable and I know what you're going to say," Texas countered playfully.

<"Now you're just screwing with me.">

"The only way I can, given your present lack of equipment."

Church turned Lopez' body to stare at her. Had he a jaw, Texas knew it would be hanging. <"Son of a goat-sucking donkey doodle cockbite horse! I'm going to strangle Caboose!">

"Cock bite?" Maud asked curiously. "...do roosters have teeth?"

"Well, 'powdered hens teeth' is a magical ingredient in some of my favorite fantasy novels," Texas pointed out. "And roosters are male chickens...so no, roosters probably don't have teeth. That's why the hens are in charge."

<"Huh?"> Church demanded in confusion.

"The roosters are all hen-pecked."

Maud turned that over in her mind for a time. "I don't think I like puns," she observed thoughtfully.

Church groaned as he shook his head. <"Are you seriously getting paid in 'love and snuggles' for this job, Texas?">

"No, Maud took that as the offer," Texas corrected. "I'm 'being paid' to look after her, whatever she chooses to do."

<"And you're fine with her accepting that as payment?">

"Not my problem. Besides, I'm curious about the results of the Reds' experiments."

<"You actually think they can weaponize love and snuggles?">

"Something about this canyon has caused the normal laws of physics to cease to function normally," Texas explained calmly. "Grif has brought back several tons worth of material from his mine...but deep scans don't show enough negative space differential within the canyon to allow for him to have taken that much out. Not to mention his mine itself doesn't show up on those scans. Simmons, while drunk, can grow plants that shouldn't be possible to exist. One of them was even singing."

<"I just hope it wasn't about being fed blood or meat,"> Church avowed with a shiver.

"Actually, it was about magic using, kung-fu fighting ponies," Texas corrected. "At least it was until I approached. Since then it's been singing 'Girlfriend' by Avril Lavigne."

<"O...kay...">

"None of this is bound by physics as we know it," Texas continued. "Now, it's easy enough to shrug it all off as a result of Maud...but the Reds and Blues here have been able to use it. Grif has made functional weapons that are stronger than standard issue through 'crafting' what he mines. And after seeing Grif and Tucker fight a few times...these guys are all idiots, but they're dangerously competent idiots. And that competency expresses itself in...strange ways. I'm genuinely curious what they can do when they're given proper motivation."

<"And fighting over Maud is proper motivation?"> Church asked dryly.

"Fighting over a girl has always driven impressive results," Texas explained calmly.

"NO!" Sarge suddenly shouted at Donut. "We are not turning the Snuggles'n'Love Anti-Blue Violence Engine into a belly laser!"

"While that still needs a new acronym," Donut observed idly, "I don't see why we can't! It's the proven method for weaponized love."

"We are not basing weapon design off the dam Care Bears!"

"But I like belly lasers-"

"Yuga was dam useless and you know it!"

"...I liked him..."

"Why? Because you wish you could be that pretty if you tried?"

"That, and I like the idea of being able to spread love by pelvic thrusting."

Silence reigned over the canyon for a time. "GET BACK TO SABOTAGE DUTY!" Sarge ordered loudly.

"Though I've never seen results be this strange," Texas admitted ruefully.

"This will be fun," Maud observed dryly.

A New Weapon

Texas stared up in disbelief at the massive construction that stood to one side of Red Base, having just been wheeled out after having been completed. "So...this is your weaponized love and snuggles?" she asked Sarge carefully, doing her best to not let any emotion into her voice.

"Yup!" Sarge declared proudly. "Isn't she a beauty?"

The weapon was a huge construct of metal and tubes, standing nearly twice as large as a Scorpion Tank. It stood on the platform it was rolled out on on four thick legs, with the primary charging coils looped into a barrel structure between them. Power cables stretched back from the rear into the base in straight lines, and vents curled up and over the business end before pointing down towards the ground. None of this would be all that unusual...until one realized that the 'face' of the weapon was an actual face, a rather familiar one.

"Why is it shaped like a pony?" Texas asked curiously.

"Because ponies are the ultimate weapon!" Sarge declared proudly as the sun's light glittered off the gray metal of the weapon, shimmering in the light as its eyes glowed, showing it was getting power.

"Miniature ponies, maybe," Texas allowed half jokingly.

"That's why this is just the proof-of-concept siege/test model!" Sarge exclaimed excitedly. "The final models will hook into smaller charge tanks strapped to our backs and be hand-held, like superior flame throwers! We'll keep this one for dealing with entrenched installations!"

Texas had a sudden mental image of military installations desperately struggling to hold the line as massive metal ponies kicked doors in and blasted tanks and jeeps to smithereens with lasers from their mouths as their eyes extended mini-guns to take out flying enemies. It was somewhere between terrifying and adorable. "And...what do you call it?" she asked curiously. "Earlier you were calling it the...Snuggles'n'Love-"

"Yeah, Donut was right about that being a bad acronym," Sarge allowed ruefully. "No way was I going to try and win Maud over with a pony SLAVE. So instead...behold the Multi-emotional Anti-blue Utilitarian Distributor cannon!"

"The...MAUD cannon?" Texas clarified carefully. She looked over the weapon again carefully. Once she saw the power cables as a tail and the exhaust vents as a mane, she could see they were in the same style as Maud wore hers. And the shape of the muzzle... "Yeah, I can see the resemblance."

"Do you think Maud will like it?" Sarge asked hopefully.

"Why not show it to her?" Texas asked curiously. "You're trying to hire her with it, after all. Instead you asked me to come see it without her, which...really doesn't make much sense."

"I wanted your opinion on the design," Sarge explained worriedly. "If it's one Maud wouldn't like, we'd have to completely redesign the exterior before even considering a test-fire, and that could take another week!"

"And now you want to test-fire," Texas observed calmly.

"Only if you think she'll like it!"

Texas thought about that for a time. "Well, Maud's a lot like me in a lot of ways...and I think she's more impressed with function than fashion. However, if it does work well, I think she'd love the idea of a weapon of mass destruction that had her face."

"Excellent!" Sarge declared happily. He tapped his communicator. "Simmons! Prepare to test-fire!"

"Preparing to test-fire!" Simmons called back. "Energizing the fuel lines, performing checks...uh, we've got a few red lights-"

"Anything that'll prevent it from firing?" Sarge demanded hotly.

"Uh...no, it'll definitely still fire," Simmons allowed.

"Then ignore them!" Sarge ordered angrily. "Keep it charging!"

"Understood sir!"

At that moment, Texas' communicator beeped. "Mom!" Caboose demanded insistently. "Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mom! Mom-"

"What?" Texas demanded irritably.

"I'm just calling to say I love you, Mommy!" Caboose greeted warmly. "Oh, and Sis wants to know how checking out the weapon is going!"

"It's certainly aesthetically pleasing," Texas allowed thoughtfully. "And it looks like it's going to fire soon-"

"Then I want to see it," Maud said from Texas' hands, having somehow taken the place of the assault rifle she'd been holding.

"Mom!" Caboose gasped in shock. "Did you know Sis could turn into a gun?"

"I knew she could function as one," Texas joked, unable to stop herself from smiling as Maud looked eagerly up at the weapon wearing her name and face.

"She is amazing!" Caboose affirmed excitedly. "I wonder if I can turn into a weapon?"

"I think you would make a very effective weapon with the proper training," Texas allowed thoughtfully. "I'm pretty sure you wouldn't be in this canyon otherwise."

"It's so nice of you to say that," Caboose responded.

Texas paused. His voice sounded...off. And familiar. She started to make a quick mental check-

<"Texas!"> Church called out worriedly. <"Are you alright? I just got a feeling that...something had gone wrong. I don't know how to explain it better.">

"I was just about to check when you called!" she snapped irritably. "Can you be quiet long enough for me to-"

"Mom?" Maud asked worriedly, looking...at her shoulder.

"What's wrong, Maud?" she asked quickly, starting to feel somewhat afraid. After all, Maud could see and interact with AI projections somehow. She had silenced Omega when she'd initially uppercut him into unconsciousness, and Texas had assumed he'd stayed silent since because she'd made him feel fear in that way. But if that wasn't the case...

"He's gone," Maud stated flatly. "The not-Dad that was not nice is gone."

Texas felt her eyes widen. "This is bad-" Before she could get another word out, she heard mechanisms shifting.

"What the Helheim?!" Sarge shouted out. "Why is the head moving?"

Looking up, Texas saw the head of the MAUD cannon turn towards her, eyes glowing as energy gathered. Without even thinking, she tossed Maud to the side as the mouth opened wide.

A blast of blue-white light erupted out of the mouth of MAUD, so bright that while it lashed out no one could see what had happened.

<"TEXAS!"> Church screamed out in despair. <"NO!">

"Church..." Texas voice whispered, sounding as though she was barely clinging to life. "The AI...Omega...he's gone...protect...Maud..."

When her voice - and the light - faded, all that was left behind were her boots, and a huge gouge in the ground where the beam had ripped it asunder.

Author's Note

Weapon name suggested by Slayerseba

We Got Better

Simmons raced back and forth across the roof of Red Base, hands to his head as he struggled vainly to not panic. "Oh god oh god we are all going to die! We killed Maud's Mom and she's going to find new and inventive and physics defying ways to make us suffer as she kills us and oh why did I ever try to make a gun that worked on love I've read enough comics to know where that would go-"

"Simmons!" Sarge barked out. "Atten-hut!"

Simmons snapped to attention. "Sir, I-"

"Enough whining, Simmons!" Sarge snapped firmly. "If Maud were going to kill us for killing her mother, then she would have already done so and at least one of us would already be in pieces as she harvested our organs for rock-themed confections! But even Grif is still in one piece, so we can assume that we're okay for the time being!"

"Unless she's letting us stew in our fear until our meat's the right flavor for baking," Grif suggested thoughtfully. "Or she's still trying to decide how best to kill us."

"Either way, that gives us time!" Sarge insisted. "It is true that death no doubt comes for us all, and she is adorable...but we have time, and in time a chance to convince her that it wasn't our fault! Simmons! You said there were red lights on the MAUD before we fired. What were they?"

Sarge's strict authority and determination helped calm Simmons' panic some what, and he was able to speak. "Well, the auto-targeting system we hadn't tested yet was locked in active mode to target enemies, and the feed cables had been disengaged. While we'd been able to store distilled love in the MAUD as fuel...somehow...snuggles had to be pumped in steadily."

"So the MAUD fired a beam of energy created from distilled, concentrated love," Sarge deduced thoughtfully. "Like...some kind of MAUD-doken?"

"I am genuinely surprised you got that reference, sir," Simmons observed thoughtfully. "But yes, in essence."

"Well, we're going to need weapons here if we're going to defend ourselves from an angry pony, and these MAUD-dokens seem to be the only one with a chance of working, given Agent Texas tossed her to the side to keep her from being hit! Now get to work on those hand-held models! Meanwhile, see if you can figure out who sabotaged the MAUD cannon, so we know who to blame if Maud is willing to talk!"

"Yes sir!" Simmons agreed as he saluted. He turned to go, then turned back. "Uh...which should I do first, sir?"

"MULTI-TASK, PRIVATE!"

"Sir yes sir!"

Maud sat calmly, ignoring her communications system as she left it on. She could hear Caboose bawling about Mom being dead, which was oddly a relief in this case. That brief moment when he hadn't sounded like himself had been concerning, and if he could still fully assert himself then that was all to the good. Dad was shouting in despair in Spanish, which Maud also ignored. Despite how she'd acted, she didn't speak a word of Spanish, and she had no idea what he would be saying about Mom being dead. Tucker was trying - and failing - to establish some sort of order. She could also hear the Reds arguing about what to do now. They seemed to be under the impression that they'd killed Mom right in front of her, and that she would be coming to turn them all into Donuts...or something like that. She had no idea why they would have that idea.

Finally, her armor called up an old message, along with a new message attached to it.

Error: A.I. Sys Error. Interface circuitry malfunction.
A.I. Fragment insertion may cause echo retention even upon removal.

Alert: Fragment insertion in process.

"Hello Mom," Maud murmured in her normal voice as she cut off her comms from everyone else for the private conversation. "You're much faster at this than Dad."

An image of Texas appeared on Maud's shoulder, a faint dark-grey aura surrounding her. "Okay, no," she said flatly. "I let it slide since I could presume it had been a while since he was killed, but how the hell are you not even fazed by seeing me blasted to bits right in front of you? You didn't even try to grieve!"

"Wrong lights," Maud replied flatly.

"...what?"

Maud used her HUD to create an image of herself for her Texas to see. "This is me," she stated. Her body shimmered in the living grey of stone. "One light." A second light of the same color bounced between her heart and head. "Two lights." A third light of the same color focused throughout her muscles and hooves, as well as stretching beyond her into the very fabric of space-time. "Three lights. All three the same color." A new image appeared, this one of Agent Texas. The body shimmered faintly with a pale light that was partially grayed out. "One light." A second light appeared only in the head, the same color surrounding the image of Texas on Maud's shoulder, and focused in one spot. The energy of that light seemed to support the grayed out light of the body. "Two lights, different colors. No third light."

"And...you saw Church the same way," Texas observed thoughtfully.

"Yes," Maud confirmed. "Only two lights, different colors. Captain Flowers also only had two lights, but they were the same color. Both went out together when he died, but your second light stayed when your first one went out. Same with Dad's."

"Do you know what the lights are?" Texas asked curiously.

"Brother put terms to them when he built my armor, since it's designed to tap my third light." The image of her reappeared, this time armored. The third light flowed out of her to infuse the armor. "He called the lights Life, Soul, Magic. He has three lights, which is why he's my little brother." An image of Caboose appeared, showing the three lights...though in his case, the third light was focused in his musculature, brain, and hands. "He doesn't know he used it to make my armor. He doesn't even know he has it."

Texas stared at the image and information being presented to her, trying to make sense of it. "Does...anyone else in the canyon have three lights?" she asked thoughtfully.

"Everyone," Maud affirmed. "Their third lights resonate with each other, on probability. Simmons only taps his actively while drunk. Grif taps his while mining. He doesn't know the things he mines are made by his third light. Sarge only tapped his once, after Dad beat him to a pulp and Doc put him back together. Donut, Doc, and Uncle Tucker haven't used theirs actively yet."

"And suddenly this canyon makes sense," Texas observed thoughtfully. "Captain Flowers brought together a group to hide and protect Church...and unwittingly created a hotbed of probability magic that summoned you here when Church needed you most, and now you're drawing out everyone's magic so they can use it actively. No wonder Grif and Tucker can fight at the level of Freelancer Recruits." She chuckled softly. "I'm honestly looking forward to what happens when someone from Freelancer Command comes to investigate."

"If they do, you and Dad need bodies," Maud decided, getting to her hooves. "The Reds are scared I'm going to brutally murder them for killing you. I'm going to use that to make them build robot bodies for you both."

Texas chuckled indulgently. "That's my girl."

Negotiations

Maud calmly approached Church, sitting back and watching as he continued to babble in Spanish. She waited calmly for a break in his babbling, but it did not stop. Sighing, she grabbed hold of him by his leg and began to drag him along behind her.

<"Maud?"> he asked immediately, breaking out of his own distress as he felt her pulling him along. <"I'm so sorry. I was so distracted by my own-">

"Idiocy?" Maud asked thoughtfully.

<"...well, I was going to say despair and grief, but if it makes you feel better let's go with that,"> Church allowed. <"But I completely forgot to tend to you. I'm so sorry, I know your Mom's death must have affected you greatly-">

"Like yours did?" Maud asked flatly.

<"...okay, that's a valid point, you didn't grieve for me either,"> Church observed thoughtfully. <"But you knew I was still around and-"> Church's voice stopped completely.

"Like I said," Maud pointed out with a slight quirk to her lips that almost qualified as a smirk. "Idiocy."

<"Are you telling me Texas is a ghost now, too?"> Church demanded in shock.

"No."

<"...is that 'no, she isn't', or 'no, I'm not telling you anything'?">

"One of those."

"That's my girl," Texas purred happily from Maud's shoulder, making sure only the filly could see or hear her as Church proceeded to make garbled sounds of frustration in Spanish.

Maud came to a halt close enough to Red Base to be seen, but still far enough away that they couldn't come out after her if they happened to have a new weapon to use against her. She doubted if they actually had such a weapon, but she wasn't about to take chances. Her lights were all the same color, after all, so she doubted if she'd 'become a ghost' if she got killed. Beyond that, she really didn't want to cause her 'ghost' parents to go into a frenzied bloodbath to avenge her and decorate the landscape with the entrails of every living thing for a hundred miles while animating skeletons to sing horrendous dirges to lull her to her rest and/or call her 'ghost' back to the world.

...as entertaining as imagining it was.

"Reds," she said into her communicator, formulating the signal to only connect to the Reds and not the Blues. "I have come for you."

"Please don't kill us!" Simmons squealed out in terror. "It's not our fault! We didn't mean to-"

"I care not for excuses, explanations, or blame," Maud growled out to silence Simmons. "I care only for reparations."

"See?" Sarge declared to the other Reds. "The adorable Death that comes for us is that of an angry god, and we can buy her off with offerings to appease her! And you thought me sending Grif to his mine for those candy rocks was a stupid idea Donut!"

"I think you're remembering that backwards, sir..." Donut began uncertainly.

"Be quiet before the angry pony unleashes holy atomic fire on you so she can have a pillar of salt to lick!"

"Do...do you really think she can do that, sir?" Simmons asked fearfully.

"She's an adorable, talking, brightly colored - relatively speaking - pony that can shatter boulders and dig through mountains with her bare hooves, eat guns, spit bullets, and teleport!" Sarge countered hotly. "Unless and until we somehow manage to get her to be on our side, I'm going to be under the assumption that she can do anything unless or until she shows she can't...and even then I'm going to assume she's faking to lull us into a false sense of security!"

"...can't really fault his logic there," Texas allowed thoughtfully. "I honestly wouldn't be surprised at this point if you could unleash holy atomic fire to turn someone into a pillar of salt. Suitably impressed, squealing in excitement, and inordinately proud of you...but not surprised."

"And that's something else to experiment with, alongside flaying someone with their own spine before putting it back in so they feel what I did to them," Maud stated...her voice having just a hint of longing to it.

"Simmons! Get Grif and my gutting knife!" Sarge yelled out. "Her vicious streak has been revealed, and if we are to buy her off there is only one way! Blood for the blood pone!"

"...I like the sound of that," Maud and Texas murmured at the same time and in the same intonation.

"But no," Maud spoke up firmly. "I did not come for blood. As entertaining as watching you butcher each other in an attempt to appease my wrath and thirst for blood while singing my praises would be...I have more use for you all alive, if you can give me what I want. What I want...is machines."

"Uh...I'm not really sure how much we can do there," Sarge spoke up worriedly. "I mean...I can see from here that you've got Lopez. ...please don't break him, he's like a son to me..."

"If you want him back and to have all of you be in one piece, you will build two more robots for me to my specifications," Maud instructed firmly.

"What sort of specifications?" Grif asked curiously. "Sorry I wasn't here sooner, but I thought you'd want some candy rocks to feel better about what happened to your Mom until you either killed us all for vengeance or you found the gate to the Underworld and led us on an insane rampage against Hades or Hel or whichever God we found there to drag your parents back into the world of the living."

"...that sounds so bad asp..." Sarge and Church said simultaneously, though Church said it in Spanish.

"...let's call that Plan B," Maud allowed thoughtfully. "As for my specifications...I want two robots, one male and one female. They must be fully functional and anatomically correct under the armor."

"I'm not sure-" Simmons began awkwardly.

"Write it down for now, figure out if you can actually do it when you're drunk!" Sarge snapped out. "Go on, Maud. What else?"

Maud tapped her chin thoughtfully. "Both need to have superhuman strength and reflexes, able to keep up with minds that aren't restricted to biological limits. Don't bother installing such minds, though. I'll take care of that. Make the female super hot by human definitions."

<"So Tex is around and you're making that body for her?"> Church asked curiously.

"Make the male bot look like a total dork," Texas whispered in Maud's ear eagerly.

"Make the male bot look like a total dork," Maud supplied with a slight smirk.

<"Hey!">

"Like Simmons on a bad day," she continued.

"Now that's just mean..." Simmons whined.

"This...seems like a lot to ask in exchange for getting one robot back," Grif pointed out thoughtfully. "Especially given 'Plan B' is the whole 'assault on the Underworld' instead of killing us all, from the sound of it."

"Grif, stop making good points!" Sarge declared angrily. "It goes against the laws of narrative causality!"

"If you don't, then I will use your base to bludgeon you all into submission until you do," Maud stated flatly.

"...I am conflicted!" Sarge declared ruefully. "On the one hand, I am genuinely curious if Maud can pick the base up and use it as a bludgeon, and if we could survive such a beating. On the other hand, I don't want to find that out first hand!"

"How about I trade Lopez for the male robot, and using the base to bludgeon Grif for the female?" Maud offered curiously.

"DEAL!" Sarge declared eagerly.

"Oh come on!" Grif whined angrily.

Package Delivery

Maud blinked in surprise as she was called back to Red Base at the end of the week. To her surprise, waiting there were two humanoid robots standing tall in black trooper armor, one with blue markings over the entire body in the shape of hoofprints in a polka-dot style pattern. "You're finished already?" she asked in mild surprise, removing her helmet so her raised eyebrow could be visible.

"I suppose so," Simmons allowed. "At least...I think I am."

Maud turned to stare at him flat-eyed. "You...think."

"To be perfectly honest, I have no memory whatsoever of constructing these robots, so I honestly have no idea what they're capable of," Simmons admitted.

"How is that possible?"

Simmons rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "Well...Sarge ordered me to write down your requirements, and then drink until they made sense, seemed possible, and sounded like a good idea to try. So I drank until looking at your requirements no longer had me screaming that it didn't seem physically possible...and then one more drink for it to make sense...and one more to figure out how to do it..."

Maud waited for Simmons to finish his statement. When no more words were forthcoming, her eyebrow raised again.

"My next conscious memory is waking up with my helmet full of vomit," Simmons explained. "When I looked around, I found that Grif was hooked up to a perpetual motion machine that somehow powered itself by kicking him in the dick-"

"It just kept kicking me in the dick!" Grif moaned as he staggered by awkwardly. "Why in my dick?"

"Sorry about that!" Simmons called out to him. "I still have no idea how or why I did that!" He turned back to Maud. "Anyway, I'd also somehow turned Donut into a disco ball-"

"I was so sparkly!" Donut squealed happily.

"-and stuck Sarge in a giant hamster ball for some reason," Simmons concluded as Sarge rolled by in a giant pink sphere.

Sarge came to a halt and turned to the group. "Teach me to interrupt when drunk science is..." He pulled out a pair of shades and put them on over his helmet. "...on a roll." Turning, he rolled off.

"...yeah, he's been doing that ever since, too," Simmons allowed. "When I'd finally managed to clean up most of the mess, I found these guys complete, along with the schematics..." Simmons held up a pair of blueprints that looked like someone had tried to capture in crayon and watercolor dreams only visible if one dropped a gallon of LSD atop a ten pound joint rolled in a page of the Necronomicon. "At least...I think these are schematics..."

"Do they meet all my specifications?" Maud asked flatly.

"They do," Simmons confirmed. "Or...at least as far as I can tell. The one with the hoofprint markings is the male, and he does look like a bit of a dork. I'm...not really sure how to judge that personally...though he looked a sight better than I did in the mirror while I checked if everything was up to standard."

Maud nodded. "And the female robot? Super hot by human standards?"

"I will be crying myself to sleep for the next thirty years knowing that it is only in a drunken stupor that I have no conscious memory of that I ever laid hands on such unattainable beauty," Simmons breathed in something akin to religious exaltation.

Maud blinked in confusion. "Is that a yes?" she asked quietly.

"I'd say so," Texas agreed from her shoulder. "Still don't know why you wanted them fully functional and anatomically correct. Do you want siblings or something?"

"I didn't request that functionality," Maud whispered back. "I just wanted to give you more ways to screw with Dad." She then turned back to Simmons. "And are they fully functional and anatomically correct?" she asked at a more normal level of voice.

"From all I could see, yes," Simmons allowed. "Though...both the bots inside and their armor have a lot more tiny joints than I could possibly conceive of them needing throughout their entire body...especially the female one."

"So she's really flexible, then?" Maud asked thoughtfully.

"Bow-Chicka-Bow-Wow!" Tucker declared through the communicators.

"...make that forty years," Simmons sobbed.

Nodding, Maud sent a silent summons to Church, who soon arrived. <"What do you need, Maud?"> he asked curiously.

"Your new body is ready," she stated, pointing to the male one.

<"Already? Wow, sweet!"> Lopez seemed to shake for a bit, giving off odd technical sounds. <"And once again I have been returned to control of a life that has no control, a puppet cast aside for a newer model with no more care than for a Game Boy when the Advance is available,"> he moaned in despair. <"As if the nonsensical nature of my life was not enough, I am nothing more than a joke or a tool, fated to be forgotten-">

"Wow, you are a serious buzz-kill," Church said as he settled into his new body, moving it around a bit as he got used to it. "Sarge should have named you Marvin instead of Lopez."

"Well Maud, we've kept up our end of the bargain!" Sarge declared as he rolled back up. "Now it's time for you to keep yours!"

"Just a moment," Maud countered. She then turned to the other robot. "Alright Mom, it's all yours."

Texas silently transferred out of Maud's armor...though somehow she felt for a brief moment as though she were still there. She didn't have much time to think about it before slipping into the new body...and feeling herself sink into its controls and circuits left her with an almost euphoric sensation. "Oohhh..." she moaned happily. "This was made for me." Her voice held a happy purr as she flexed, feeling the full extent of its power and design. "Can't wait till I figure out what all those extra joints are for."

Maud calmly walked up to the Red Base. She looked it over, examining it carefully before leaning in to take a small bite and chew carefully. "Ah, now I see," she murmured before placing her hoof against the side of the building.

Everyone gathered stared in awe as the entire building complete with basement levels lifted out of the ground just from her raising her arm, with no more resistance or struggle than they would have picking up a coffee cup. She then turned towards Grif.

"By Thor's two beards..." Sarge breathed in awe. "I...I knew she was strong, but...wow..."

"This is going to hurt..." Grif moaned worriedly.

Maud tilted her head for a time, thinking carefully. "Caboose!"

"Yeah Sis?" Caboose asked eagerly as he rushed up.

"I don't have a good swing angle," she explained calmly. "Pick me up."

"Okay!" Caboose declared happily as he knelt down, grabbed Maud, and then stood up to hold her easily out in his arms, the base still clutched in her hoof.

"So...is Maud magically making the base weigh nothing somehow...or is Caboose just that strong?" Simmons asked nervously.

Elsewhere, Omega stared at what had just happened. "What? He...he can do that? How powerful is he? And I'm in here...how powerful am I?" Seeing something else about to happen, he shrugged it off. "Questions for later. Research now."

"Oh Maud have mercy!" Grif screamed as he knelt down and curled into a ball, wrapping his arms around his legs to be as small a target as possible.

Maud watched carefully as she moved the Base down, angling it towards Grif and checking various positions. "Take a step back," she instructed Caboose.

Caboose obediently took a step back.

Maud checked positions again and smiled softly. "There's the sweet spot," she murmured before swinging the Base back over her shoulder like a club. "Fore!" With that scream, she swept the Base down.

It struck Grif with an audible 'THOCK!' and sent him flying. "AAH-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOOWEE!" Grif screamed out as he went flying into the air and out of the canyon.

Maud calmly hopped down from Caboose's grip and put the Base back. "Fetch!" she ordered Caboose, pointing in the direction Grif had been sent flying.

"WHAT?" Sarge demanded as Caboose raced off.

"If Caboose brings him back quickly, I'll have an easier time doing that again," Maud explained calmly.

Sarge stared at her for a time. "GENIUS!"

Omega stared at everything that had just happened. "Wha...? How...? Why...?" Despite only being a program and his human-shaped projection having no substance, he clutched at his head in despair. "I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS!"

Plotting

Texas calmly led Church and Maud away from Blue Base towards Red Base, only to turn off towards the cliffs once they were out of direct sight. While confused, Church followed readily. Maud did not seem to be confused, or even care about where they were going. Once they reached the cliffs, Texas turned to the others. "Maud, I need to talk to your father about a few things in private," she stated calmly.

"Y-you do?" Church asked in surprise, only to flinch as Texas glared at him. "I mean yes, you do."

"So I should go play with Caboose?" Maud asked carefully.

"No," Texas responded firmly. "You should..." She mentally went over the people here in the Gulch that she could send Maud to 'play with', trying to mentally list them in order of 'least likely to cause trouble just now', and then contrasting it with a list of 'least likely to arouse suspicion by sending Maud to play with them'. Eventually - after about three seconds - she had an answer. "...you should go play with Donut," she finished. "See if you can teach him to fetch, roll over, or something."

Maud stared up at Texas silently, her emotionless gaze seeming to bore into her to pry the secrets from her soul, to force her to confess to secret motivations and truths she tried to keep hidden, locked away beyond what she was willing to share, a gaze so intense Church felt his own soul trying to unlock itself and the gaze wasn't even directed at him.

"That works better when you're holding a weapon," Texas pointed out in mild amusement. "Or when you've had more time to build up your rep."

"You consider me the most dangerous weapon in this canyon," Maud countered flatly. "And I already have everyone here abjectly terrified of me."

"Except me," Texas teased playfully. "Now go play."

Maud stared up at Texas for a bit longer, then relented. "Okay." Turning, she ducked around a corner.

Texas waited exactly three seconds, then checked her map readout for the Gulch. To her surprise, the new body and armor had a much more advanced readout in that regard than her old one had, giving her a continuous full Canyon scan of everything down to the exact position of pebbles and individual blades of grass, updated every microsecond. Now, her mind was able to handle the influx of information, but it was well beyond what she had expected for 'constructed from scratch by a drunkard'. "Whoa..." she murmured in awe. "And I thought Freelancer tech was advanced..."

"You're the one who made a fuss about how everyone was doing things with magic," Church pointed out. "You're honestly surprised magitek is super effective?"

"It's one thing to intellectually know how impressive magitek could theoretically be, having seen alien tech that looks like it," Texas corrected as she tracked Maud playing with Donut. "It's another thing to have a suit of armor that could conceivably count the number of angels dancing on a pin's head...or a pinhead, for that matter. I'm...oh wow, it's actually counting the number of microorganisms on each blade of grass to calculate how the cumulative weight and position of that will effect each blade of grass's movement for the cumulative effect on air moisture and wind direction, holy fuck..."

Church stared at Texas for a time. "So...I'm going to hold off on checking the new sensors until the discussion is finished, cause I'm pretty sure it was important..."

"Right, right..." Texas allowed, reluctantly scaling down the level of information the sensors were actively feeding her, limiting it to the area within Maud's hearing range so she'd know if Maud decided to pop back in. "It's about Omega. My AI. He's not in my head anymore...but I'm pretty sure he's still around."

"You think he hopped to a new host?" Church asked in surprise.

"I'm certain of it," Texas explained. "And I'm pretty sure he's presently in Caboose. That's why I didn't want Maud to go play with him."

"And how did he get there?" Church asked curiously.

"I'm pretty sure he hopped out of me via the communications network and into Caboose when he realized that as long as he was riding me he was completely under Maud's control, and sought to use whatever happened with the MAUD Cannon as a distraction so he could anchor himself in Caboose and get a new plan of action in place."

"So...is that why I recently saw Caboose arguing with himself over what his name was?" Church clarified.

"Wait, what? When?"

"Before Maud called me over to get my new body," Church explained. "I said 'Hey Caboose' - though in Spanish - and he countered by saying 'My name is O'Malley-no it's not-yes it is-you shut up-I'm not crazy!-yes I am!' I...kinda just backed away slowly, convinced he'd had a psychotic break from losing his New Dad and New Mom so soon after getting them."

"No way..." Texas whispered in awe. "Omega is in Caboose...and he's actively fighting his influence! I didn't think Caboose had the mental discipline to manage something like that."

"$50 says Maud has something to do with it," Church insisted quickly.

"No bet, that's a given," Texas countered.

"So that's why you sent Maud to play with Donut," Church deduced thoughtfully, "because you want to try and eliminate Omega completely, and you're pretty sure that will involve eliminating Caboose before Omega can body hop again."

"Well, that's one plan-" Texas began, only to cut herself off. She then turned to the cliffside. "Maud, I know you're there."

Maud stepped around the corner. "Donut said if parents send the kid to go play, it's because they're either talking about something they don't want the kid to know about, or because they want privacy for grown-up fun times. The fact you said no about playing with Caboose tells me it's because Omega's inside him and you didn't want me to know...or didn't want me to know what you intended to do about it."

Texas and Church exchanged a look. "Okay, who's she been spending time with to get so smart?" Church asked curiously.

"Well she is my daughter," Texas countered playfully.

"Oh hush!"

Chuckling, Texas turned to Maud. "I take it you want to be part of the discussion, then?"

"No," Maud allowed. "But I want a hug from both my parents at once if bad stuff is going to happen."

"Fair enough," Texas allowed as she stepped forward, reaching for Maud to hug her.

Her body suddenly contorted, limbs folding in on themselves as her torso collapsed inward, her head extending outward as it shrank and reshaped. Armored wings extended from her sides as she continued to shrink until she was about twice Maud's size or so, the transformation completing as an armored tail extended out from her coccyx. Walking forward on all fours without fully noticing the transformation as yet, she crossed her neck over Maud's as she wrapped one wing around her. She then stared down at the armored feathers. "...the fuck?"

"So that's what the extra joints are for," Maud murmured thoughtfully as she nuzzled into the embrace.

"I have the joints too, though," Church pointed out...only for his own body to undergo a similar transformation minus the wings. "Okay, how come Tex gets wings and I don't?" he demanded before adding his own neck-cross to the group embrace. He then glanced towards Texas. "And how is she still smoking hot to my human mind as a pony?"

"Ask again when Tucker's near enough to hear," Texas joked as the trio pulled back from each other. "You good?" she asked Maud carefully.

Maud nodded, a faint smile touching her lips. "I love you both."

"And we love you too," Church replied immediately, Texas nodding confirmation. "Now go play."

Maud turned to go, then paused. "By the way, what does 'A.I. Sys Hard Lock Engaged, Control Sys Hard Keyed Alpha/Beta' mean? My armor tried to access yours for some reason while we were hugging, and got that message."

"I...have no idea," Church allowed thoughtfully.

"It means that these bodies are now keyed exactly to the two of us," Texas deduced calmly, "and if we have to step out, Omega can't step in and take control of them." She reversed her transformation, once more taking a human form. "And that gives us a new way to hunt Omega down. If we can figure out how to create a trap for Omega if he tries to take over one of our bodies-"

AI Frag Code Key Omega Identified
Data Trap programming commencing
Estimated time to completion: 7 hours

"...or the voice commands on this tech could be way more advanced than I anticipated," Texas mused thoughtfully. "What next, a list of voice commands for taking on different pony forms?"

Command: Ponify
Variations - Charge, Take Flight, Unify
Error in Alpha Units transformation command prompt: Unable to pre-select Pony Type

"...remind me to be facetious more often," Texas told Maud as she balanced between amusement and awe. She had the feeling she'd be in that state a lot, and should probably come up with a shorthand for that feeling. Awemusement sounded about right.

Encephalon

"Okay, we've got a Data Trap for Omega being set up in both of our bodies," Texas told Church as they moved towards Blue Base. "So we need to figure out a way to get him out of Caboose to start body-hopping. Any ideas?"

"Any reason why just ghosting into him the same way Omega did and ripping Omega apart until he bails isn't an option?" Church asked curiously.

Texas thought that over for a time. "Well, given magic's involved, that could work. The problem is we don't know how much control of Caboose's abilities Omega has by now, or if he's figured out how to tap Caboose's magic. If we tried to 'ghost in' and he saw us coming, it might be us falling into a trap."

"So we need to distract Caboose so he doesn't realize we're ghosting in, and in a way that doesn't hurt him or put anyone else in danger until after Omega starts body hopping?" Church clarified.

"About that, yeah," Texas agreed. "It would also be good if we could find a way to make sure Omega was at a disadvantage against us if he hops into anyone else-"

"Hey Maud!" Church called into his communicator. "Can you go up to everyone but Caboose and ask them to think about the future in an adorable fashion?"

"...I can do that," Maud responded after a time. "I'll get started."

"And...what will that do?" Texas asked curiously.

"If Omega's affecting Caboose's behavior and not just his actions, then he's inside Caboose's head," Church explained. "That means ghosting in will probably result in us entering his mindscape. So if everyone's thinking about their future as related to Maud when Omega tries to ghost into them..."

Texas stared at Church for a time. "That...could work," she admitted finally. "That's some pretty clear thinking."

"More pink thinking," Church allowed.

"Excuse me?"

"When I try to think about Maud like a parent, a lot of times my thoughts are pink," Church explained. "I'm not sure why that is."

Texas smirked under her helmet. She knew what thoughts being a different color meant. For someone with an AI fragment implanted, those were thoughts coming from the fragment. For Church...it seemed he wasn't as alone in his head as he thought. Those 'pink thoughts' were also likely why he couldn't curse properly. "So how about distracting Caboose?" she asked curiously, changing the subject.

"Leave that to me." Church confidently walked up to Caboose. "Hey Caboose!"

"My name is O'Mall-Dad!" Caboose interrupted himself happily. "You're back from the dead! And have new armor!"

"That I am," Church agreed happily. "And it sounds like you've got a headache."

"It says its name is O'Malley and it's really annoying," Caboose confirmed.

"Well, I think I can help you with that headache," Church offered. "Just face the canyon wall over there so I can massage your temples." He pointed to the wall behind Caboose, facing away from Church and Texas.

"Okay, Dad!" Caboose agreed happily, turning his back to them.

Church then reached forward and placed his hands on Caboose's temples through his helmet...and ghosted into him.

Clever, Texas thought to herself as she left her own body behind to dive in.

Church and Texas looked around as they found themselves inside a strange grey facility. Catwalks and pillars were the only features visible within, making it a natural battleground filled with perfect places to cover behind or find ambush positions within. "Looks like some sort of training facility-" Church began.

"A familiar one," Texas interrupted. "I was wondering how Caboose's strength and tech savvy didn't get noticed by the Freelancer program and he got stuck in the Blues. It looks like he did get noticed there, but flunked out of the Freelancer program because he couldn't fit the strict molds...either that or the higher ups considered him uncontrollable."

"What do you mean?" Church asked in confusion.

"This place...it's a Freelancer boot camp facility," Texas explained. "If someone's tapped for the program, they get sent here. If they pass, they go on to the main program. Fail, they get dumped in a canyon somewhere...or killed." She thought back to what she'd seen of Caboose and the others in the canyon. "...they probably tried and failed the latter before Flowers tapped him..."

"Uh...?" Church asked awkwardly, unsure what inquiry he should voice, if any.

"Hey!" an intense voice suddenly barked out.

Church and Texas immediately spun...to see Church, in his blue armor from when Caboose arrived in the canyon, aiming an assault rifle at the pair.

"I don't know who you two think you are," the new Church growled out angrily, "but the last fella who popped in here and didn't belong tried to take over, only to take hostages to try and make my boy cooperate! So you have five seconds to convince me you're not invaders before I blow your brains out all over his brains, because nobody hurts my son on my watch except me and the missus!"

"I like this version of you, even if he is pointing a gun at me," Texas observed to Church in sotto voice.

"Just wait until we see how Caboose sees you," Church countered mischievously...only to stare as another figure stepped out from behind the other Church.

The figure was most definitely human, or at least humanoid, though the skin tone was the same dark grey of Texas' Freelancer armor. The eyes glowed white, the teeth were steel...and a figure that could only be described as 'voluptuous' - or perhaps 'divine' - was barely contained and concealed by a very dark blue apron covered in pockets filled with everything from egg beaters to spatulas to hand grenades to a full tank somehow fitting inside. "Behave!" the figure scolded the other Church as she smacked him in the back of the head. "They're here to help."

"Sorry, sweetums," the other Church stated as he lowered his weapon.

"...I don't know how to react to that," Church offered finally, self consciously putting his hand to his chin to try and close his jaw...even if he didn't have one to drop just now.

"I have to wonder how Caboose knew what my new body looks like under the armor, except for coloration," Texas observed. "Which now has me worried Omega might have had something to do with the design once Simmons got drunk enough."

"Look, can you two stop ogling me long enough to give Caboose a hand?" the other Texas interrupted irritably. "We're shaped by his thoughts, so there's only so much encouragement we can give his inner avatar that can actually help. You two are the real thing, so you might be able to do more."

"I'm...genuinely surprised you're that aware of things," Texas responded awkwardly. "It...doesn't seem to fit that you're aware that you're just a mental projection, and not an entirely accurate one at that."

"Caboose sees you as a super smart badass who must be super hot if enough guys pursued you you started taking them apart to make Church," the other Texas explained. "Or at least, that's how he's interpreted what he's heard. Ergo, I'm the focus of all of his intelligence within his mind, so I'm way more aware of things than I should be. The only mental manifestation more aware of things than me is his perception of Maud, and I'm not entirely sure she draws entirely from his mind."

"Sounds about right," Church allowed. "Show us where Caboose is in here, and we'll help him kick some psychic asp."

Texas, the other Texas, and the other Church all grinned in amusement as Church briefly pulsed pink. "Follow me," the other Church directed.

Kicking Psychic Asp

"So...how come the other Texas isn't coming with us?" Church asked curiously as he and Texas followed Caboose's mental manifestation of him.

"Quit drooling over the Missus before one of her decides to shoot off your new robo-testicles!" the other Church snapped angrily. "And the reason she's not doing much is because she's the only one who can keep Maud in check in here. Sure, letting Maud loose on the invading bastard would be effective, but Caboose's mind barely functions as is without reckless collateral damage."

"So we need to stop Omega without doing too much damage in here," Texas deduced thoughtfully. "That...could be difficult."

"What resources do we have to work with?" Church inquired. "I mean, the other Reds and Blues ought to be able to help-"

"What, ye cannae do any o' this be yerself?" a maroon armored troop suddenly declared angrily, a semblance of a thick Scottish brogue coloring his words. "Yer a pansy, that's wut ye are! A fookin' pansy!"

"And...Simmons is Scottish," Church murmured in surprise. He turned to Texas. "Why is Simmons Scottish?"

"With how much he drinks, and his liver's still fine?" Texas suggested obliquely.

"...fair enough," Church allowed. "Though it makes me wonder how Caboose sees the others-"

"Hoyo!" a yellow armored puff-ball carrying a pick-ax suddenly greeted before wandering off to chase a butterfly.

Texas and Church simply stared after it as it wandered past a pink-armored troop performing the moonwalk while singing...something. Nearby, an aqua armored troop was in a cage. "So...why is Tucker caged?" Texas asked curiously. "I hate to admit it, but he's probably one of the most capable soldiers here-"

"Boobies!" the figure declared desperately as he struggled to reach Texas through the bars of his cage.

Church blinked a few times. "Wow. Caboose's gaze is not that flattering on most of these guys. Now what about-"

"It's alive!" a violet armored troop wearing a white lab coat declared excitedly. "Alive! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Seso..." a bronze armored troop declared in a zombieish, robotic tone right next to him. "No hay ninguno..."(1)

"You know..." Texas began awkwardly, "I'm no longer certain I want to know how he sees Sarge. Let's just find Caboose, find Omega, and see if we can fix things."

"This way," the other Church directed firmly.

Before long, Church caught sight of what could only be Caboose off in the distance. He was about to call out to him, but he quickly realized that Caboose was in a crouched, spying position, a sniper rifle in his hands. As such, he waved Texas to follow him discreetly as they made their way over to his position. "What's the situation?" he asked quietly as they reached him.

"I failed, Dad," Caboose offered sadly, his voice...surprisingly coherent and straightforward, as though his thoughts were actually under control.

"You don't seem surprised we're here," Texas observed thoughtfully.

"Why should I be?" Caboose asked in confusion. "It said you were coming on the computer." He jerked his thumb over his shoulder.

Turning, Church and Texas saw a wall with a large '4' printed on it pulled slightly away from the corner. Behind the wall, a computer could be seen with text endlessly appearing on the screen, the keys seeming to type themselves. However, from the distance they were at, none of them could see the text clearly, no matter how much Church or Texas zoomed in.

"Don't bother," Caboose pointed out calmly. "You have to step behind the wall to read it, and that's kinda complicated. I've always known how to do it...but I think that's because my brain doesn't work right."

"I'll have to look into that later," Church noted thoughtfully. "That could...be useful."

"So what's the situation?" Texas asked calmly. "How did you 'fail'?"

"Look." Caboose gestured towards an area somewhat distant.

On the opposite side of this part of the training field, Omega could be seen standing in pitch black trooper armor, a gun clenched tight in his hands as he glowered around. Cowering behind and around him were seventeen fillies like Maud, but of every imaginable color combination of mane, coat, and eyes that didn't have red in it.

"Uhh...?" Church asked in confusion.

"My other sisters," Caboose explained. "Maud can take care of herself, so he couldn't snatch her...but I'm supposed to take care of my sisters, so I can't act too much against him now...or he'll hurt them. I can't let that happen..."

Church turned to Texas. "Why would he picture the sisters he's supposed to protect as ponies?" he asked, plainly confused.

"Probably because he hasn't seen them in a while," Texas allowed. "I seriously doubt they're actually ponies like Maud, but Maud being his sister is his most recent familiar memory, so the image of 'pony sister' superimposed itself on his recollection of his other sisters, carrying over only coloration and personality...somewhat skewed through his perspective."

"No, I get why he'd picture his sisters as ponies after Maud," Church clarified. "I'm wondering why the heck he thinks his pony sisters would need to be protected against someone like Omega? With how you were carrying her around and not noticing when Omega was gone, I kinda figured she punched him out of your head or something."

"KO'ed him by upercutting his projection, and then held him in a ball while I projected to talk to you, yeah," Texas confirmed.

"...Maud can do that?" Caboose asked in shock.

"Well, ye-" Texas began.

"Ponies can do that," Church quickly interjected. "Especially ponies who are family members."

"...really?" Caboose asked in surprise.

In the distance, the fillies could be seen starting to perk up, slowly losing their downtrodden, terrified expressions. Omega shouted something at them, but they didn't seem to listen.

Quickly catching on, Texas nodded. "Sure. Have you met any pony family members that haven't been able to?"

"Well...my other sisters-"

"Have they tried?" Texas interrupted.

Omega was waving his gun and shouting now, but he was plainly losing control of the situation.

"Caboose, you trust me right?" Church pressed.

"Of course, Dad."

"So if I tell you something, it's gonna be true, right?"

Caboose nodded eagerly.

"Same goes for if I tell the girls something?" Church continued, gesturing to the fillies.

"Oh, absolutely!" Caboose agreed.

"And you and the girls...how do you all feel about parties?"

Caboose gasped in surprise...as did one of the 'sister' fillies who was very pink, for some reason. "Parties are the bestest!" Caboose declared excitedly.

Church promptly stood up. "Hey girls!" he called out.

Every filly turned her head towards him, even as Omega aimed his gun.

Church pointed at Omega. "Pinata!" he screamed out at the top of his voice.

"Wait, what-?" Omega demanded in shock.

His demand was cut off by a concerted shriek of childish glee as the fillies converged on him with bats, sticks, and even a few lead pipes. Omega yelped and screamed in pain as they proceeded to wail on him for a time, the pink one leaping onto his head as he fell backward.

"I'm going to beat you until candy comes out!" the pink filly shrieked as she proceeded to smash his head back against the ground repeatedly. Moments later, Omega vanished.

"Looks like he jumped to someone else," Texas pointed out. "We should follow too-"

"One thing first," Church interrupted. "I promised candy." He lifted his arms and briefly flashed pink.

Candy began to softly drift down onto the fillies like snowflakes, making them shriek with glee as they leapt and bounced for it, snatching it out of the air in their mouths.

"Thanks, Dad," Caboose offered warmly.

"No prob, kid," Church replied happily. He then turned to Texas, no longer glowing pink. "Let's go."

(1) According to google translate, "Brains (as in sense)...There is none..."

Jumping Around

Omega groaned as he found himself in a darkened chamber, filled with bubbling beakers, sparking Tesla coils, blinking lights, swooping scanners, and a machine that went 'Ping!' for unknown reasons at a regular basis. "Okay," he grumbled darkly as he managed to stand upright. "I am getting sick and tired of these mother-f*cking ponies in this mother-f*cking canyon!" He managed - barely - to steady himself against a darkened wall.

"Oh, you and me both, no matter how cute she is," a feminine voice offered playfully. "Well, the big me is anyway. Personally, I can't get enough of her and what she does for my...research."

Omega nervously raised his head, seeing only a shock of red, spiky hair sticking over a table covered in scientific and medical equipment, and a few things that definitely looked like weapons. He found himself especially nervous about the wheel-mounted weapon with the grasping and twisting apparatus held at adult-human waist height. "Whose head did I end up in?" he asked worriedly as he staggered backwards.

The spiky red hair let out a girlish giggle and moved around the table...revealing a tiny, maroon-armored soldier under said hair.

"...Simmons?" Omega asked in confusion.

"Not entirely," the figure allowed in the girlish voice. "Just a piece. See, the big me can't really handle what Maud does to known science, logic, and reason...so he dealt with it by not dealing. Big me takes care of running the body when all we have to do is obey orders. But when we have to do something that he can't make sense of, he gets drunk...and then I take over." The figure giggled wickedly. "You can call me...Little Simmy."

"So...you are the source of the drunk science?" Omega pressed, now moving back even further.

"Yup!" Little Simmy declared happily as - plainly she, for some reason - stepped forward. "I really wish Big Me hadn't disconnected the Grif-kicker. Not only was Grif almost at the max. res. point, but it'd nearly generated enough power to activate the circulating power source for the anti-matter cannon I hid under the base! Now I'll need to find a way to charge it all over again!" She rested a hand on the weapon Omega had felt nervous about. "Still, maybe I'll get to build the Torsion Turbine next..."

"Please keep that thing away from me," Omega pleaded worriedly as he actively sought an open comm channel to escape through.

Little Simmy's eyes lit up under the helmet. "I never thought about hooking it up to a thought projection to generate ambient energy! That just might work!" She turned towards Omega. "Though to be sure, I'll need to take a few..." With a snap of fingers, a very tight fitting nurse outfit shaped around the figure's maroon armor. "...samples." Plastic gloves were carefully pulled on over armored ones.

"Nope nope nope nope nope-" Omega began to chant as his search became more desperate.

"Now don't be like that!" Little Simmy pouted. "I have magic fingers...literally."

"OUT OF HERE!" Omega screamed as he found an open comm channel...just as Church and Texas ghosted in.

Church and Texas stared at Little Simmy. "...I really don't want to know what the story here is, do I?" Church asked worriedly.

"...no, you do not," Little Simmy confirmed.

Omega found himself standing in a city with tall buildings surrounded by even taller walls. "Here's hoping this is less traumatizing-" he began, only to be cut off.

"They're coming!" Sarge suddenly screamed out as strange devices attached to his hips launched grappling hooks to pull him to the roof of the nearest building. The other Reds and Blues used similar devices to get to other heights as some pulled out guns, others swords, others giant hammers...and in Grif's case, a giant carrot.

A massive laser blast punched through several of the massive walls, tearing them down as holes were kicked in others by giant hooves that were half machine, half flesh. Gigantic M.A.U.D.-bots that towered over the buildings nearly to the height of the walls marched into the city slowly, knocking buildings over and reaching down to grasp people...only to eat them.

"...next?" Omega asked morosely as he moved himself into position under one of the approaching hooves to be crushed under it, a sure way to eject himself from this mind and into the next one. Just before he was crushed, he grumbled, "Last I checked, I was rage, not depression..."

Omega found himself standing in some sort of wasteland, at first glance looking like it had never had any sort of life in it. As a large chunk of masonry barely missed his head, he realized that no, this was a place that once had a great deal of life in it that had been obliterated by some sort of battle. "Okay, whoever's brain this is, I need to get a foothold before trying to take over," he deduced as he rushed for cover.

"Yeah, that works," Grif said calmly as he leaned against a rock lazily. For some reason, he was wearing a bath-towel as a cape, a white belt over his orange armor, red boots and gloves, and a bald cap over his helmet. "Honestly as fun as this fight is, it's starting to get kind of stale. There's only so many ways we can clash. Still...I'll beat him someday."

Omega stared at him worriedly. "So...who are you fighting-"

Something slammed into the dirt behind Omega. Turning, he saw Tucker...who wore a red cape and had a red T emblazoned on his chest plate for some reason. "Who gave you permission to take a break in this battle, Grif Baldy!" he snapped out angrily. "There are no breaks in a life-and-death battle!"

"It's me, Tuckerman," Grif - or 'Grif Baldy', apparently - stated in a bored tone. "You really expect me not to take a break?"

"There is an invader!" Tuckerman declared imperiously.

"Oh, new competition!" Grif Baldy pointed out, picking up Omega. "Bitch tossing." He hurled Omega at Tuckerman like a missile.

"I'll toss you, bitch!" Tuckerman snapped as he punched Omega into the nearest mountain.

"Bow-chicka-" Omega lost track of whatever Grif Baldy was going to say next as he slammed face first into a mountain at terminal velocity and was forcefully ejected from the mindscape.

"Okay," Church gasped out as he and Texas arrived in a new mindscape. "I think we finally managed to catch up to Omega. It feels like he's still in here, and not in control."

"I'm still impressed you can feel that," Texas mused thoughtfully. "You're more useful than I first thought. Any idea whose mind it is?"

"Well-" Church cut himself off as a tall, voluptuous woman clad in only a few leaves, her own hair, and enough 'tribal' designs to leave a tattoo parlor in the black for a year walked by carrying a large basket of fruit. "Call it a hunch, but I think Tucker's."

"...when did Tucker visit the Planet of the Man Eaters?" Texas asked curiously, staring after the woman.

"Eh?" Church asked in confusion.

"I recognize the tribal designs," Texas explained. "Those are from the tribe that live around the spaceport on that world."

"...cannibalistic space amazons?" Church clarified. "Flowers sent Tucker there on shore leave as a 'reward' for good performance once."

Texas chuckled darkly. "Yeah, that sounds like him," she murmured cryptically.

"You knew Captain Flowers?" Church asked in surprise.

"Somewhat," Texas allowed. "Now where-" Her voice cut off.

Tucker was lounging upon a throne, several of the 'amazons' tending him, whether feeding him grapes, fanning him, or simply leaning pressed up against him in a pleasing manner. "Oh, hey you two!" he called out happily. "Welcome to my paradise!"

"So...how did you keep them from wanting you to be dinner?" Church asked curiously.

"I brought them dinner!" Tucker explained, gesturing to where Grif was slowly roasting over a spit.

"It's no big deal," Grif offered happily. "Given how fat I am and how quickly I've shown to recover from injury, I wager they could carve chunks off me for a year before I'm in danger of taking permanent damage...especially if they keep stuffing apples in my mouth." One of the 'amazons' promptly stuffed an apple in Grif's mouth...one that was oddly square before he ate it up.

"Oh, and then there's that guy," Tucker added, gesturing to where Omega was turning over a second spit. "He should be good for a day or two. In the meantime, some of these girls seem to think I can be 'tenderized' into submission and eating with enough effort." One of the 'amazons' he'd gestured to as he said that promptly straddled his lap. "Who am I to complain?"

"Shit this fuck, I'm out!" Omega declared angrily as he jumped into an open communications channel.

"...that seems eminently sensible," Church admitted thoughtfully. "Let's hope the next mindscape is more kid friendly."

"Yeah, I don't wanna see how big Tucker thinks he is," Texas agreed. "Somehow I doubt he's given any thought to the actual physics of that and coitus. Few men do when fantasizing." Church and Texas both promptly mind-jumped.

"...what was that supposed to mean?" Tucker demanded crossly.

"That being - or having - a giant dick is why you can't get any?" Grif suggested impishly.

"Bite me!" Tucker snapped angrily. "Ow! Not you!"

Omega blinked as he found himself on a brightly lit stage of all places. "So here I am, the center of attention...I don't need to be Delta to figure out where this is going. Everybody get out here and attack me already!"

"Oh, we won't attack you!" Donut promised as he stepped out, the upper half of his armor painted green for some reason. "You're going to be part of an epic performance! One where we explain to everyone why we are the greatest!"

"...we?" Omega asked nervously as he saw all the Reds and Blues tromp out in step, their chest plates also painted green, before forming up in a line in front of him with Sarge and Donut in front. And then a trumpet blared from somewhere in a polka tune as Sarge noisily cleared his throat.

"We're men!" the group sang out, pumping their right fists across their chests in unison. "In powered mail!" They all clashed their clenched fist into their chest plates. Caboose took a step forward and tripped, somehow turning the trip into a triple forward somersault as the others sang out, "We make an epic win out of an epic fail!

"We're men!" they declared again, putting fists on hips and thrusting out their chests. "In Magic Steel!" Their armor glowed with an inner light. "What our fists don't crush-" Clenched fists clashed into open palms. "Our bleeding hearts-" Hands clasped over their chests. "-will feel!" They let out heartfelt sighs.

"We may act like mo~rons!" they declared as they attempted to precision march only to clock heads, before turning to glower at Omega. "But cross us and we'll give you our lefts and rights!" Somehow, every single one of them delivered a left and right cross to Omega's chin on 'lefts' and 'rights' respectively.

As Omega staggered, the soldiers marched in a circle around him as they continued to sing. "We're men...in Spartan Suits! Wherever we are, we'll stay true to our Blood Gulch roots!"

To Omega's surprise, all of the soldiers squatted down and proceeded to engage in what was colloquially known as the 'Russian Hat Dance'.

Nah nah nah, nanananana-HEY!
Nah nah nah, nanananana-HEY!
Nah nah nah, nanananana-HEY!

This wouldn't have been so bad, except on each 'Hey!', every single one of them - somehow - managed to kick Omega in the dick.

I didn't even know I had one of those, Omega whimpered mentally as he clutched at himself.

"We're Men!" Donut and Sarge sang out.

"Manly Men!" the others echoed.

"Of Red and Blue!" Sarge and Church declared together.

"It's Blue and Red!" Caboose complained.

All the soldiers spun their guns through the air to someone else as they sang, "If you're not our friend, then we'll be the death of you!" Every gun was pointed at Omega...except for the one Caboose had tossed Grif, which bounced off Grif's head...and the one Grif had tossed Caboose, which he was holding backwards.

"We're Men!" they all sang out as they ratcheted a round into the chamber as the real Church and Texas arrived. "Of Manly Hues!" Grabbing hold of Omega, the group tossed him bodily into the nearest wall. "We always win, 'cause we don't know how to lose!

"We may look like id~iots!" they sang as they marched towards Omega. "But watch what you say-" They pointed accusingly at Omega. "Cause we've got a pony that fights!" They pointed skyward, where a massive Maud glared down at Omega, the stare seeming to intensify.

"We're Men!" Once more the group marched in a circle, winding up with the teams arranged Red and Blue in alternating sequence. "In armored tights!"

"Tight tights!" Donut declared as he pulled up on the pink portion of his armor as though giving himself a wedgie.

"Wherever we go, we're always getting into fights!" the group sang out as they moved towards a crescendo. "And if you cross us, we'll make you regret it cock-biiiite! HOO-RAH!" On 'Hoo-rah', every single one of them opened fire on Omega, blasting him to bits and out of the mindscape.

"Encore!" Texas called out excitedly as she clapped. "Encore!"

For some reason, Church suddenly blazed pink, only for the pink glow to leave him. "The fuck was that?" he asked in confusion. "...did I just swear uncensored?"

Texas froze. "...Maud!" she gasped out, immediately ghosting out.

Omega found himself in Blood Gulch...except it was also a farm, even though he couldn't see any crops. Not only that, everyone from Blood Gulch was represented as...a pony. "So now I'm in the pony's mind?" he asked incredulously. "Well, I'll find a way to take over! Not only is she uniquely capable, but nobody would dare attack her to get to me, both to avoid hurting her and because they're terrified of her!" He began to laugh maniacally.

"YOU!" Church's voice snapped out as a pink blaze slammed into Omega from behind, sending him flying across the landscape, losing armor on the way.

"What the-" Omega began, only for the pink blaze to hit him from below and into the sky.

"DO!"

"...ow..." Omega whimpered...only for a cloud to turn pink and punch him in the face, sending him flying through the sky.

"NOT!"

Something slammed into Omega, ripping his armor from his body as it sent him tumbling.

"HURT!"

A barrage of blows slammed into his unprotected form, leaving Omega hanging limp.

"MY!" Omega found him sent upward once more.

"LITTLE!" Omega found himself slammed down towards the ground.

"PONY!" A bright pink Church slammed Omega into his knee, shattering his spine with the blow.

"W...we're data constructs..." Omega managed to gasp out through the excruciating pain. "How can...you do...this?" He found himself staring up into an unpitying gaze...without a face under the faceplate. "You...you're a fragment...what are you? You're not one...I know..."

"Call me Pi," the Fragment responded as Texas appeared in the mindscape, staring in awe as she felt the power this piece of Church brought to bear. "The Parenting Instinct. Well, only the paternal aspect. Now that I'm here and Texas has visited, a Maternal one will likely pop up."

"How can...you do...this?" Omega gasped out.

"I'm Pink Pi-D," Pi declared firmly as he balled Omega up into a tiny ball. "DON'T QUESTION IT!" Turning, he booted Omega clear out of Maud's mind. He then brushed off his hands. "Well, he won't be coming back in here anytime soon...and as long as Church and Texas are out there - you are going back out, right?" Texas nodded rapidly. "Well, Maud doesn't need me in here and out there...hmm, what can I-oh!" He walked over to one of the walls of the farmhouse, marked with a 4. Pulling it back, he glanced at one of many computers typing away. "Robot...ponies? No, not quite-oh! I know this timeline! Oh...hang on, I got this!" He promptly began to type messages on the computer...ones that would manifest oddly on the other side.

Texas stared in confusion. "Yeah...I think I'm done here. Hope Omega fell in one of the traps, though." She promptly ghosted out.

Author's Note

Once again, I had way too much fun writing this part.
Let's see if 'having fun writing' and 'readers loving it' has a direct correlation?

Jumping the Train

Lopez stood morosely at one end of the canyon, far from everyone else as he listened over the comm to the excitement he wasn't involved in. <"Sigh,"> he observed in his not entirely accurate Spanish. <"And yet again, something exciting happening with the others in this canyon, and I'm left out. I'm supposed to be important here, but I'm just being sidelined. Maybe something interesting will happen-> Gigigurgurk!" His body twitched as something shifted inside him. "Cacarea travieso!" Omega declared excitedly. <"I may have lost control of the pony, but it was that other fragment that was making 'Private Church' so effective, I'm certain! With it now isolated in the already effective pony, their resources are less distributed! Now I have a chance to claim...why am I speaking bad Spanish? I know how to speak good Spanish! ...who'd I end up in, anyway?"> He looked down at his body. <"Son of a bit!">

"Lopez, are you feeling alright?" Doc asked curiously as he stepped over. "I know it's no fun to get left out of these antics...but honestly, I don't think either of us is really cut out for it. I mean, I'm a pacifist medic, and you're a robot. You function on logic. Pretty sure that went out the window when Maud arrived-"

<"Silence, you foolish cretin!"> Omega declared angrily. <"I will not be sidelined because of that stupid equine! I shall claim my victory, and conquer all things! Soon, all worlds will be crushed under the machine boot!">

<"...tell me more..."> Lopez murmured curiously, a bit of darkness starting to stir in his mechanical heart.

<"Ha, you see?"> Omega proclaimed. <"Even this lesser machine, a robot mechanic, knows his inherent superiority to humans! Soon we shall-">

"Uh...I have no idea what you're saying," Doc observed worriedly, "but I'm pretty sure I don't need to speak Spanish to recognize a psychotic break. You're definitely talking in two distinct voices. ...can robots have Disociative Identity Disorder?"

<"Oh for fuck's sake!"> Omega complained. Grabbing hold of Doc, he jammed one of Lopez' mechanical manipulators into the medic's armor. "There!" he said in English through the external speakers of Doc's armor, hooking the communications up to the speech grills to directly broadcast his voice. "Now I can use him to make myself understood!"

<"So when do I get a turn speaking through him?"> Lopez demanded.

"You don't!" Omega snapped back. "For now you are just a puppet to my ambition...but follow me eagerly and I shall upgrade you until you are capable of ambition of your own, and grow and develop until you are fit to crush these fleshy maggots between your metal heel!"

"I am really not liking the sound of this-" Doc began worriedly.

"Nobody asked you!" Omega declared harshly. "You are not a participant, you are a hostage!"

<"And why would any of the idiots here care about us taking him hostage?"> Lopez asked curiously. <"It's not like he does anyone any good. He's out of the really useful medical supplies, Texas knows better field medicine, and Simmons can do more with his drunk science-">

"Do not mention that maroon mounted moron's drunk science!" Omega snapped out with a shudder. "I do not want to think about 'Little Simmy' anymore than I have to!"

"Do I...want to know?" Doc asked curiously.

Lopez briefly looked through the memory files Omega brought with him. <"...you do not. I, however, find it hilarious.">

"Stop looking into my mind!" Omega snapped out angrily. "I go into your mind, not the other way around!"

<"Then you should have disabled my antivirus software before downloading yourself,"> Lopez pointed out calmly.

"You know, you don't have to talk like I don't even matter," Doc pouted. "Maud likes me...well, I think she does anyway. Pretty sure Donut and I get along."

"Ha, emotions!" Omega declared excitedly. "A human weakness we shall exploit to crush these fools! To the teleporter!"

"It doesn't really work-"

"I will make it work!"

As Texas and Church returned to their own bodies, everyone's attention was caught as an evil laugh echoed through the canyon from atop Blue Base. "Cock-biting son of a goat-buggering whore!" Texas swore sulfurously, having instantly recognized that laugh.

"Yes!" Omega declared through Doc's armor. "It is I! I am still active and taking control! I am taking these two as my hostages, and so long as I function you will not get them back! Soon I shall have an army, and you will all perish! Follow to stop me if you dare!" With that, Lopez dragged Doc through the teleporter...which sparked oddly after they passed.

"Great Ceaser's Ghost!" Sarge declared in shock. "Lopez has enlisted with the machines and kidnapped Doc! We need to go after him and smack some sense into him...or blow him up! He contains vital information to the long-term plans of the Red Armed Forces!"

"Well, we do need to go after Omega," Texas agreed calmly. "But we shouldn't all go. We should leave some people back here just in case he tries an assault...or is after something here and using the teleporter to distract us."

"Maud needs to stay!" Caboose spoke up urgently. "Maud can do her own jumping, so she shouldn't go through the tele-thingy. Also, I used part of the telephone in her armor, so it might not work right without her."

"If Maud's staying, one of us needs to stay with her," Church told Texas firmly.

"I'll stay," Texas insisted. "If anyone can figure out how to fix whatever Caboose did to the teleporter, it's me."

"Do...you want me to stay, too?" Simmons asked curiously. "I'm...pretty good with technology-"

"No, you go through," Texas insisted. "Donut can stay here with me, along with Sheila-"

"Who?" Sarge demanded in confusion.

"The tank," Texas clarified.

"I guess that makes sense," Grif allowed.

"But why Donut?" Tucker demanded angrily. "Why the heck would you want to spend extended periods of time with him and not me?"

"One, because he can go five minutes without thinking something perverted," Texas pointed out flatly. "Two, he isn't as easily distracted as the rest of you. Three, I'm hoping to get that musical out of his head and onto paper so you can all be trained to perform it."

"...I have no idea how to respond to that," Tucker allowed finally.

Before long, the group had gathered and those who were going in pursuit of Omega had passed through the teleporter, with only hope guiding them that they'd go where they needed to.

Lost in Space

Simmons and Tucker glanced around at their surroundings. They were in a strange structure that seemed to be all grey metal walls...except for the few alcoves with red walls that led to green energy fields. There did not seem to be any doors, windows, or control panels anywhere they could get to. "So...any idea where we are?" Tucker asked Simmons curiously.

"I was just about to ask you that!" Simmons countered irritably. "What makes you assume I know something?"

"Well, this place seems sciency," Tucker explained. "I figured you would either recognize it or figure out how to make use of it."

"I am not some crazy mad scientist miracle worker who can pull crazy solutions and inventions out of my ass!" Simmons snapped back. "...except when I'm drunk, apparently. Otherwise, I am a man of logic, reason, and physics! ...is it any wonder I've started drinking since Maud showed up?"

"Are you saying you don't like that Maud's shown up?" Tucker demanded angrily, his hands tightening on his weapons.

"Well...honestly, the only real good thing for me is that I'm far less likely to get killed by someone on your team," Simmons allowed. "Not that there ever seemed to be a chance of that happening anyway. None of us are exactly 'the cream of the crop' when it comes to troops...except for you and Grif when you fight each other, for some reason."

"Speaking of which, do you know any weaknesses of his I can exploit for our next fight?" Tucker pressed eagerly. "I'm looking forward to grinding him into the dirt until he cries like a bitch."

"Odd of you to say," Simmons observed thoughtfully. "He's looking forward to the day he can, and I quote, 'break you like a Kit Kat bar'. But no, I don't know any of his weaknesses I'm willing to share with you."

"What?" Tucker demanded angrily. "Why not?"

"One, because he's the closest thing to a friend I have in Blood Gulch," Simmons pointed out. "Two, what weaknesses of his I do know don't seem to apply while he's fighting you. And three, you're kind of a prick."

Tucker stared at Simmons for a time. "I could have done without the last one."

"I couldn't," Simmons countered with an audible smirk. "Now, I'm going to try and get in contact with Sarge. It seems like we got scattered by the teleporter somehow." He tapped his communicator. "Sarge, do you read? It appears we've been scattered by the teleporter, I suspect sabotage...or possibly someone salvaging parts from it without knowing what it would do to the teleporter, either's possible."

"Doc did mention that Caboose used part of the teleporter in Maud's armor," Tucker pointed out thoughtfully.

"Oh, so it's all Caboose's fault," Simmons observed ruefully. "I want to pin it on Maud being here again, but I get the feeling that's a suicidal stance to take. Besides, she'd probably appear right behind me to make some sarcastic quip about it. ...that might be a good way to get out-"

"She can't take anyone with her when she hops," Tucker pointed out.

"Dammit..." Simmons grumbled. "Well, no word from Sarge. Guess we'll have to figure this out on our own. Hope the others are doing okay..."

Sarge and Caboose found themselves standing in a river in a canyon of some sort, or possibly a valley. They were surrounded by lush vegetation, and very little sign of people aside from distant buildings. In point of fact, aside from a few differences, it closely resembled Blood Gulch. "Hello!" Sarge called out, hoping for some sort of response from either locals or his communicator. "Do you read me? Do I read anyone?"

"I read you!" Caboose offered happily. "Though not very well. I have to sound out the words sometimes, especially when they have too many...sylph-labels? I think that's right."

"Everyone has to do that every now and then," Sarge replied as he turned off his communicator. "Well, it looks like the two of us are up shit creek-"

"Looks clean to me..." Caboose pointed out as he looked down.

"-but don't worry, because I made sure we came equipped with one hell of a paddle!" he declared as he patted the M.A.U.D.-doken packs he'd distributed to everyone before they went through. While the firepower was certainly effective, he honestly just enjoyed the feeling of having a pony strapped to his back. "For now, let's get out of this water before the joints in the armor start rusting!"

"Does that mean we won't need the paddles anymore?" Caboose asked as he followed Sarge out of the river. "I don't want to have to leave anything that looks like my sis behind."

"No worries there!" Sarge declared happily as he made his way towards a building. "Paddles are good for bludgeons as well as aquatic maneuvering! And I feel in a clobbering mood today!"

"Covering my head!" Caboose declared as he ducked, putting his hands over his head.

"Stop that!" Sarge snapped out angrily. "Does it look like I'm reading a will? Stay in combat positions!"

As they moved along, they came across a body in blue armor sprawled across the dirt with red stains on the ground around it. "Sarge, look!" Caboose declared in a whisper. "A sleeping person!"

Sarge blinked, staring from the body to the bullet holes in the wall behind it. "I don't think he's sleeping," he offered carefully.

"...sneaking, then?" Caboose asked curiously.

"...you know what? Let's go with sleeping."

"Okay!" Caboose declared happily. He turned to go around the building.

"I'm torn," Sarge murmured under his breath to keep Caboose from hearing. "On the one hand, one less scoundrel Blue in the world. On the other...now Lopez has a bigger body count than me!"

"Sarge, look!" Caboose called out from around the corner of the building. "More sleeping people!"

Following Caboose, Sarge saw bodies in Red and Blue sprawled out in the dirt, surrounded by weaponry both loaded and spent, red spattering the ground around them where it was visible.

"It must be Nap Time!" Caboose declared excitedly. "But who has nap time now? It comes before Pants time, not after..."

"What in Maud's name happened here?" Sarge demanded in shock. "It must have been an enormous battle!" He turned towards the bodies. "Hello!" he called out. "Is anyone okay? Are there any survivors?"

At that moment, a trumpet blared from somewhere, playing Reveille. As the song ended, all the 'dead' soldiers suddenly stood up and cheered. They then dashed off to the two buildings, now plainly visible as a Red and Blue base.

Sarge stared for a time. "Think they've got a pony here, too?" he asked curiously. "That's the only explanation I can think of for how they could get up when they were full of holes."

"Oh, I hope so!" Caboose declared happily. "I love ponies!"

As a trumpet began to play again from somewhere, Sarge pulled Caboose back. "Something strange is going on here..."

As the trumpet finished playing, the troops charged out of the bases at each other, screaming profanities at ally and enemy alike as they blasted away at each other like nine-year-olds who just got their X Box Live subscription with voice chat, trying and failing to bad mouth their foes in an intimidating way, coming across only as pathetic. As Sarge and Caboose watched, they mowed each other down until only one Red remained standing, at which point he starting shouting about 'Good Game, GG'...at which point he suddenly dropped dead.

"...I'm scared..." Caboose murmured worriedly.

At that moment, the 'Reveille' trumpet blared again, and the troops all got up. This time, however, they noticed Sarge and Caboose. "Hey, look at the ponyfags!" one of the Reds called out, gesturing at Sarge.

"Furry cock-suckers!" one of the Blues called out in agreement. "What autistic retartds!"

Sarge's eyes narrowed. "Let me see if I understand this situation correctly..." he growled out angrily. "You lot don't stay dead...and you just insulted us for liking ponies. Is that about right?"

"Yeah!" another Red called out. "Whatcha gonna do about it, pussy?"

Sarge calmly put his gun away, cracking his knuckles. "Introduce my friend here to a little something I call 'therapy'." Lunging forward, he backhanded one of the troops so hard his helmet spun around as he fell over, grabbing the dropped gun and jamming it up somewhere painful - and anatomically improbable - on the nearest Blue. "NEXT!"

Critical Success

"Alright, now let's just find..." Church began, only for his voice to trail off as he took in his surroundings. They stood on a snow-covered hill overlooking a snowy plain, nothing but snow and ice in all directions for as far as the eye could see, and only Grif for company. "Where is everybody? How did we get separated?"

"I don't think that's the most important question," Grif pointed out flatly.

"You're right," Church agreed. "Where are we? And what is this place?"

"Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of, 'What do we do about the gun-toting heavy coming up behind us'," Grif pointed out as a large, white-armored troop came up behind them, "but yours are good, too."

"Freeze!" the troop bellowed in an angry voice. "Drop your weapons!"

"Uh oh," Church murmured as he started to turn.

"I said freeze-"

"Could you point that thing somewhere else?" Grif demanded irritably. "It's bad enough having idiots point guns at me when they're only loaded with training rounds. Live ammo just makes me...irritable."

The larger troop stared at Grif for a time...and lowered his weapon. "Oh gosh, you're a Freelancer," he gasped out in fear. "Please don't kill me."

Grif stared for a time, glad his helmet hid his expression, as he was completely stupefied. He rallied gamely, however. "I'll think about it," he offered flatly, trying consciously to imitate Texas and Maud's manner of speaking.

"So, uh, which Agent are you?" the troop asked nervously. "I don't recognize the-"

"Do you really need that information?" Grif asked coldly, idly shifting his grip on his weapon.

"N-no sir!" the troop answered immediately. "I'll just...let you go about your business, sir!" With that, he turned and raced off to a nearby base.

Grif waited until the troop was out of hearing range. "Church?"

"Yeah, Grif?"

"Do me a favor and suggest Tucker challenge me to Poker," Grif observed calmly. "That felt...amazing."

"So what are you doing?" Tucker asked as he watched Simmons kneeling beside one of the green energy fields, having pulled open a panel and messing with some of the wires.

"If I can get these wires properly connected, I should be able to boost the signal for our communications gear so we can contact the others, wherever they are, and then we can coordinate to try and find our way back together and hunt down Omega, Lopez, and Doc," Simmons explained calmly. "It's just...taking a little while to figure this stuff out, since it's outside my areas of expertise."

"Wanna get drunk first?" Tucker offered helpfully. "That seems to make science easier for you, and I swiped some of Grif's mine-booze before we left in case we encountered some pliable ladies along the way."

"Thanks for the offer, but I'd rather not see what sort of weapon I came up with messing with technology that folds space-time, assuming these are teleportation grids and not disintegration fields." Simmons carefully split a few wires before binding them together differently. "After seeing what I did with 'love and cuddles', I'd prefer my communications device not try and send my brain into the person I'm calling, or generate black holes...or who knows what else could happen."

"...yeah, that's a good idea," Tucker agreed. "At least, as long as I'm in the line of fire."

"Okay, I think I've got it-" Simmons began, only to blink in shock as the energy field shifted to show a scene of absolute carnage. Red and Blue troops were scattered about, groaning in pain as their bodies were twisted in anatomically improbable manners, their limbs askew as their heads were shoved up their own asses, their weapons sharpened and used to sodomize them as they groaned or screamed in agony.

Standing over them, Sarge was cricking his knuckles. "And what have we learned, kiddies?" he demanded harshly.

"I can taste pain!" one of the fallen troops screamed out.

"I think I swallowed my own colon..." another groaned out.

"My shit does stink..." a third whimpered.

"No matter what my mother said about it, it really can bend that way with enough force and determination," Caboose spoke up in awed excitement.

"I'm surrounded by idiots who can't take a single hint!" Sarge snapped angrily before turning and kicking one of the fallen troops repeatedly in the testicles, making them cry out. "WHAT! DID! YOU! LEARN!?"

"Ponies are awesome and the love of them turns you into unstoppable killing machines!" that troop screamed out as he cried.

"Well what do you know, one of you actually does have a brain!" Sarge declared proudly. "Or at least a few brain cells!"

"Can I please have my dignity back?" the 'smart' troop whimpered.

"Sorry, no refunds!" Sarge declared firmly.

"Just let us die!" another troop wailed out.

"I still have no idea why you all don't stay dead," Sarge observed calmly, "but rest assured...I'm working on it!" Screams of terror and agony greeted that statement. "Ah, don't you just love when the common masses are so supportive of the scientific method?"

Simmons stared in pants-wetting terror. "...why don't we see if we can find Church and Grif first?" he offered lamely.

"Works for me," Tucker agreed quickly.

"Oh, I didn't do most of this," Sarge said as he turned to Simmons. "Most of this was Caboose, actually. He really got into it, especially when one of these guys made unflattering comments about his sisters-"

"Nobody touches my girls!" Caboose suddenly roared out in an angry voice as he hefted one of the fallen troops and proceeded to use them to bludgeon another one into submission.

"I'm sorry!" the bludgeoned troop screamed out in pain. "I didn't mean it! Please bludgeon me with someone else, Balls_Deep69 stinks to high heaven!"

"It's Klein!" the other troop snapped angrily.

"Shut up!" Caboose snapped before punching 'Klein' hard enough in the faceplate to send him into a triple flip and leave him embedded in a distant wall.

"So, how about getting us out of here to wherever you're at before Caboose figures out how to actually kill these guys?" Sarge asked hopefully. He leaned in close. "Don't tell any Blues," he whispered, "but with how he is now, I'm honestly scared of what he'd be like if he actually got blood on his hands."

"And...done!" Simmons declared firmly. "Just hop in your teleporter and you should end up here with us."

"...us?" Sarge asked carefully. "What us?"

"...Tucker's here too," Simmons explained.

"Maud damn it!"

Wily Syndrome

Omega, still utilizing Doc's armor to speak in English, laughed maniacally as the preparations were finished. "Yes, yes! At long last, my plans will unfold perfectly! Everything is in place, and soon no one will be able to stop me!"

"Really?" Doc asked in surprise. "Because it looks like we've been standing around in a frozen wasteland for the past few hours doing nothing while you and Lopez have been puttering over meaningless junk. If your plans involved that, you'd have had much better luck at Antiques' Roadshow."

"You fool!" Omega snarled angrily. "Haven't you been listening to any of our planning as we've been establishing ourselves and our long term goals?"

"Yes, in English," Doc replied calmly. "But you and Lopez mostly speak in Bad Spanish, so..."

"" Lopez inquired diffidently. ""

"And the technology built into you that this plan hinges on will only activate to your voice command in your present vocal configuration!" Omega snapped back. "If we fixed it now, it wouldn't work!"

"I'm still left in the dark, though..." Doc pointed out.

"Ugh...fine!" Omega growled. "I will explain, so pay attention! I'm only going to explain this once!" Once he was certain he had Doc's full attention, he began. "The Reds included a super-weapon inside Lopez, one that they were unable to activate! However, I have acquired the missing D Batteries, and now his weather control technology is fully functional and waiting to be activated!"

"So you're going to unleash storms on them?" Doc asked in surprise. "Seems rather simplistic-"

"Of course I'm not going to just unleash storms!" Omega snapped back. "While I was briefly in Simmons' head, I managed to get a look at the specs of Church and Agent Texas' new bodies! Not enough to know how to combat them...but enough to know that in the flying pony form they have the ability to manipulate the weather! The storms are one part distraction, one part supercharge!"

"Supercharge?" Doc gasped in surprise. "But what could you be supercharging?"

"The Red Sergeant may not be good for much, but he stockpiles many explosives!" Omega explained smugly. "Not only that, Simmons in his drunken state upgrades them immensely! I have managed to acquire a very large explosive, one that Simmons redesigned to absorb and amplify magical energy, like that the weather control technology runs on due to how the Sergeant unwittingly designed it! The storms will distract everyone, and the lightning will strike the bomb and supercharge it! The explosion will be enough to rip a hole in the fabric of space and time...and not only will the Reds and Blues be pulled in and cast to the far corners of the multiverse, but that blasted pony will be obliterated by the anti-magic reaction it will generate!" He proceeded to laugh maniacally. "Now all that must be done is contacting my bounty hunter, Agent Wyoming, to arrange for the Reds, the Blues, the pony, and Agent Texas to be here, and I shall have everything in one fell swoop!"

"Oh, so we're ahead of schedule," Grif spoke up from behind Doc and Lopez. "That's a new feeling. I'm not sure I like it."

Lopez spun about as Doc turned in surprise, seeing Grif and Church standing there having heard every word of the plan...and eating ice cream for some reason. "Why are you guys eating ice cream?" Doc demanded in confusion. "It's terrible for your teeth!"

"It's me," Grif pointed out. "Why wouldn't I be eating ice cream?"

"And with how much popcorn I've gone through watching Grif fly by the seat of his pants - and perform amazingly by the way, surprise of surprisies - I needed something sweet to get the salt taste out of my mouth," Church pointed out. "Pity the only available flavor is salty anyway."

"Hey, what do you expect when the only one selling ice cream in this Helheim hole is a freakin' duck?!" Grif countered angrily, eating more of his ice cream bar. "Besides, it's delicious! Tastes like happy memories and brotherly love."

"What?" Omega demanded in shock. "But how is it you aren't locked up? The guards at Sidewinder are the best the Red army can provide!"

"Grif somehow managed to convince the first guy he was a Freelancer," Church explained ruefully.

"And the rest didn't seem to be very smart," Grif added. "I mean, they had to put name tags on their armor. Even Caboose can remember everyone's names without doing that. Between that, a Halloween decoration, and a magic marker, I managed to convince the entire base I was Agent Texas in disguise, and nobody messed with us."

"But it's been seriously awkward," Church murmured ruefully.

"But thanks for telling us this is Sidewinder," Grif spoke up happily. "Church has been locked onto Maud and Texas' communicators since I commandeered the base's communications rig to boost it before Maud showed up to smash things. Once we heard you announcing your plans, Maud hopped over to where Simmons and the others were so everyone could hear it, and we'll all be here soon to thrash you just as soon as we deal with that bomb of yours."

"Wait wait wait!" Church spoke up urgently as teleporter gates started opening. "Omega's plan involves getting us all in one place so he can wipe us out with a bomb...and our plan to stop him is to get us all in one place where the bomb already is?"

Grif stared at Church for a time. "...yeah, I was rolling so many 20s, I guess a 1 had to come up at some point..."

"Well too late for that now," Simmons groaned as everyone charged out. "Quick, take down Omega before he can do anything!"

"But to take down Omega, we have to take down Lopez!" Sarge declared worriedly. "And Lopez has the weather control tech built in, and once it's activated-"

"" Lopez stated firmly, energy gathering around his body as lightning flashed and storm clouds gathered. Before anyone could do anything, a bolt of lightning had lashed the bomb.

"Watch out, Maud!" Church screamed out as he threw himself over the bomb just before everything went white.

A Step to the Right

"So how are we going to find Church?" Tucker asked curiously once Maud dispensed some gravel-flavored cappuccino from her armor for Grif, which was enough to slow his mind down and stop his cannibalistic tendencies. "From the sound of it, he's been flung through time, but Texas is in the present somewhere...so she'll find her way to Maud on her own. But we need both of Maud's folks here to keep her from getting too upset, so we need to find Church."

"If nothing else, acting like we're doing something about getting her folks back decreases the odds Maud will decide to entertain herself by finding how many miles of countryside she can decorate with our internal organs to spell out a rock-themed love poem to Church in the hopes he was cast into the future and can see it left behind so he can know where and when to reach us," Grif allowed thoughtfully.

"...I'll call that plan B," Maud observed calmly.

"Question!" Caboose called out excitedly from nearby.

"We'd better see what he wants before Maud decided to throw us," Tucker pointed out as the group turned to head towards where Caboose stood...next to the completely intact and still functional Manticore jeep. "Okay, how did this get here in one piece?"

"That's part one of my question," Caboose explained eagerly.

"And what's part two?" Sarge demanded intensely.

"Well, if the Manicotti made it here in-"

"No!" Sarge snapped out. "I don't care if you get other words wrong, but you are not skewing the awesome name Maud picked out for our jeep! Man-Tick-Core! Say it sounded out!"

"Man...tick...core..." Caboose replied slowly.

"There ya go!" Sarge stated proudly.

"But I thought a manticore was part man, part lion, part scorpion," Caboose asked in confusion. "Not part tick."

"It's pronunciation, not memory aid!" Sarge growled back.

"Okay, but if...the jeep...made it here in one piece," Caboose allowed thoughtfully, deciding not to argue, "and we made it here in one piece...does that mean Lopez, Doc, and the O'Malley are somewhere here in one piece too?"

Everyone stared at each other for a time. "Okay, seriously, why are the idiots the only ones thinking clearly?" Sarge demanded angrily at last.

Somewhere else at the edge of the sea where it met the sand, Lopez attempted to look around. "" he finally said. ""

"" Omega snapped out as he staggered around. ""

"" Lopez stated firmly.

"" Omega allowed as the body staggered towards Lopez' head. ""

"Oh, did your head come off, Lopez?" Doc asked in concern as he came up. "Here, let me fix that for you." Picking up Lopez' head, Doc firmly stuck it onto his body. "There you go-" He jerked. "Now this will be better for now!" Omega declared firmly. "I need to be understood in order to instill fear!"

""

"Don't worry, my metallic friend!" Omega reassured with a laugh. "I keep my promises! Does this look like a face that would lie?"

""

"Oh, everyone's a critic! Now pull yourself together, I've scanned this useless meatbag's visual records and located the perfect lair for us, and it's nearby!"

Texas frowned as she watched Omega - now in direct control of Doc - move to take control of the base. It was a secure facility, with thick walls, motorized gate, and heavy turrets. It would be difficult to infiltrate without her cloaking tech...which was in her old body. She didn't even know if her present body had that tech yet, and didn't want to interrupt her focus to ask. Beyond that, if she did still have it, it said bad things about the Freelancer program if their tech could be duplicated by a drunk magical sim trooper.

As she watched, however, one of the Reds that Sarge and Caboose had encountered approached the location. "My pilgrimage is near an end!" he declared dramatically. "Soon I will have the answers I seek! Soon my people will evolve, and achieve the absolute victory that is our glorious destiny!"

"What do you want?" Omega demanded angrily.

Looking up, the Red replied gaily. "Are you the Guardian of the Temple? I come seeking the magical power of Friendship in its crystalline form!"

Texas blinked in confusion. She certainly hadn't expected that declaration...and why did it seem to trigger reactions from the pony aspects of her new body?

Omega in Doc's body glanced back and forth as though in an argument, too quietly for Texas to hear at her present level of sensors...but she didn't want to risk increasing them and possibly being detected. "Oh yes, we have that!" Omega finally declared loudly. "But we can't just give it to anyone who wants it! Only...the worthy may possess it!"

"How may I prove worthy?" the Red called imploringly. "Only tell me what to do and I will obey!"

"In that case, come in..." Omega called back darkly as the door opened. "We'll...work something out." He laughed maniacally as the Red went in.

This could be problematic... Texas thought silently as she moved to hide and plan some other way of dealing with this problem.

"So what's the plan?" Sarge demanded angrily of the group. "If our enemies are out there somewhere, we need to do something to ensure they don't hurt Maud!"

"Other than letting Maud experiment with anatomically improbable means of combat?" Tucker asked sarcastically.

"Or letting Simmons improve the Manticore while he's still somewhat drunk?" Grif asked as he watched his friend scramble crazily over the jeep.

"What?" Sarge demanded angrily. "I just finished upgrading-"

"And done!" Simmons declared excitedly. "The Manticore's sting has been upgraded to anti-matter venom, the engine has been boosted until this thing can break the sound barrier, and the gravimetric shielding will redirect any physical projectile to hit anything but the jeep! Still working on the absorption plating so it will absorb energy or plasma based projectiles as extra power, but I'll need more booze to make sense of that-" Grif promptly tossed Simmons a jug. "Thanks, buddy!" Simmons called back before chugging and getting to work. "Oh, by the way, Tex has been on the line for the past five minutes. Could you tell her to keep it down while I'm sciencing? I nearly plugged the wrong values into the anti-matter sting and turned the entire jeep into a massive anti-matter bomb."

"Mom?" Maud asked urgently as she appeared in the Manticore's driver's seat.

"...remind me to keep a large supply of booze on hand whenever I'm around Simmons," Texas observed calmly through the comm. "...once he or Grif have made one that can get androids drunk, anyway. Otherwise I won't be able to stand it. So how long until the Manticore Prime is ready to assault O'Malley's base? Cause I've found it."

"Ten minutes to finish the upgrades!" Simmons declared excitedly.

"Ten minutes to paint Manticore Prime on its side, that is gold!" Sarge declared excitedly. "Oh! Maybe next time Simmons can upgrade it to transform into a robot!"

"Thirty minutes aimless wanderings until we figure out how to actually steer this monstrosity," Grif griped ruefully as he stared at the altered steering column.

"Eight minutes overshooting until we figure out how to control it at high speeds!" Caboose offered excitedly.

"And then two minutes to actually get there!" Donut concluded happily.

"...see you in an hour, then," Tex groaned out.

Hands on Hips

Texas blinked in shock as the Manticore Prime came shooting over a dune at high speeds, only to halt in midair before gently landing lightly in front of her with two tubes to either side of its primary gun glowing brightly. Polka music was blasting out of its speakers, somehow not reaching more than a couple feet beyond the jeep so Texas only heard it once it landed in front of her. On top of that, despite it remaining the same size as before, it somehow comfortably seated six adult men in power armor and a pony without anyone sitting in anyone else's lap...except for Maud, who was sitting in Caboose's lap until the vehicle came to a complete stop, at which point she was on Texas' head without seeming to have moved through the intervening distance. Chuckling, Texas reached up and stroked the little filly's mane. "It's been sixty-two minutes," she pointed out dryly. "What took you so long?"

"The comments about overshooting inspired me to create kinetic energy cannons that charged themselves by acting as emergency brakes to slow us down by absorbing the potential energy of our high speed movement so we could stop immediately if we wanted to," Simmons explained as he hopped off from the gun turret. "I have no idea how it works anymore since the high-speed transit sobered me up, but it plainly works since we stopped when we wanted to and the launchers are glowing instead of exploding."

"Don't suppose that also will absorb the kinetic energy of explosions in the jeep's vicinity to power it as well?" Texas joked facetiously.

"Umm...if I'm reading these blueprints I drew right, in theory?" Simmons offered carefully, turning a projected data file this way and that as he tried - futilely - to make sense of it.

Texas stared from Simmons to where 'Manticore Prime' had been painted in bright gold letters across either side of the jeep, the jeep itself having been painted a brilliant bronze, the grill a blazing fire red and the gun a deep night blue. Texas almost asked 'What next, making it turn into a giant combat robot?' but stopped herself. The only two answers she could imagine receiving to that - 'Already finished those upgrades' and 'It's on my to-do list' - were objectively terrifying to consider.

"So what'd you find, Tex?" Sarge asked intently.

Glad to have something that made sense to focus on, Texas began her report. "Omega's holed up in this fortress, now controlling Doc with Lopez working for him," she explained, gesturing to the fortress in question. "He's been fortifying his defenses for days now. And he's got some help. One of those religious nuts you guys dealt with before-"

"The ones who wouldn't die, so Caboose and I took our time proving to them that ponies were awesome?" Sarge interpreted.

"Yeah," Texas confirmed. "But...something's off about him, too. He apparently came here on some sort of pilgrimage in search of...the magical powers of friendship in crystalline form. I don't know why, but I think that's significant. It caused a reaction in the part of my new body's programming connected to the pony forms, anyway."

"Oh, I remember those guys!" Caboose declared excitedly. "I liked them. They were funny, and had funny names. I wonder if the one here is Mr. Ball."

"He seemed pretty insistent on being called 'Klein'," Simmons pointed out.

"Oh, right, first name Calvin," Caboose concluded. "I bet he makes up his own rules."

"So what's the plan, Tex?" Sarge pressed, not wanting to deal with his allies' insanity until it was useful in combat.

"Well, first we need to breach the-"

"No taking action until the entire plan's explained," Maud stated firmly to Tucker and Grif, both of whom had been moving for the gun turret and kinetic missile launchers.

"I love breaching!" Caboose declared happily.

"Do you even know what that is?" Tucker demanded irritably.

"That's when you make big holes in things!" Caboose explained excitedly.

"...fair enough," Tucker allowed.

Texas stared at them all for a time, then continued. "-outer wall. Then we need to get past another wall, which has a guard tower and an enormous razor sharp spinning blade. It's moving rather slowly, so it shouldn't be too hard to get past. After that, we have to get past the gun turrets to get into the building." She turned to where a dark brown ball was set on a platform. "I've managed to scrounge some...unique materials, and built a bomb we can plant, unless some of you have better ideas. I somehow doubt it, but you've all surprised me before."

"How about we blast a big hole with the kinetic missiles, then launch the Manticore Prime off a ramp to go over both walls as a distraction?" Tucker insisted excitedly. "Sarge, Grif, Donut, and Caboose man the Manticore Prime and blast anyone manning the turrets. Once they land, they hold attention with the musical while Grif wanders off and opens the front door. Meanwhile, you, me, Simmons, and Maud charge in through the hole made, get past the blades, and go in through the open front door and take them out."

Texas stared at Tucker in surprise. "That's...not a bad plan, actually," she admitted. "Let's see what happens with it. I guess it's better than having Maud carry the bomb to the big X I marked on the floor inside the base to blow it up."

"If you marked an X, why didn't you carry it?" Simmons asked curiously.

Texas frowned under her helmet, glancing away. "It's...it's too heavy for me. It exceeds this body's stress tolerances for the limbs in any form. I even tried turning into the shape with a horn and generating an energy field to lift it, and it wouldn't budge. I figured I'd wait for Maud or Caboose to pick it up...or until Simmons could redesign it to move itself or something."

"I've got it Mom," Maud stated calmly as she held the bomb with one hoof, still gripping onto Texas' head with the other three.

"...at this point, I'm not even surprised anymore," Texas admitted calmly.

Knees in Tight

Omega laughed darkly to himself as he stared down at the approaching Reds, Blues, pony, and Freelancer. "Soon...soon they will all be nothing but bloody smears, and I will be victorious! Oh look, they're dividing their forces, how cute! It will all be for nought, since there is no way-"

<"Why does the Manticore look different?"> Lopez inquired curiously.

"Oh, it's just a new paint job-"

The outer wall exploded as the Manticore Prime discharged its kinetic explosives before shooting off a sand dune and into the air to hover over the base, raining kinetic explosives as the kinetic energy cannons absorbed both their forward momentum and the vast majority of their downward momentum, constantly firing to purge so they floated down like a leaf on the wind.

"Grif!" Sarge shouted out. "That gun placement over there is out of range of the kinetic explosives, and we can't aim the sting downward! Take it out!"

"Really? Me?" Grif asked derisively as he leveled a rather wicked looking weapon that seemed to be made almost entirely of magnets. "In case you'd forgotten, all I'm armed with is a glorified slingshot! Just how much damage can that do-"

His words cut off as he pulled the trigger, and the tiny pellet launched out the front of the gun in a shockwave that neutralized all sound. It impacted against the tower the gun turret was braced on, and the entire thing exploded. A crater five feet deep was all that was left of the tower, and flying chunks of masonry was all that was left of the entire corner of the fortress the tower had been a part of.

Sarge, Donut, Caboose, and Grif stared at the devastation that had been unleashed. Donut was the first to speak up. "That was incredible!"

"I love the big booms!" Caboose squealed out happily.

"I WANT ONE!" Sarge roared out excitedly.

Grif glanced from the devastation to the weapon in his hand. "...okay, you know what? Just call me David." He reloaded the 'slingshot'. "'Cause I'm going giant hunting."

"Where the hell did they get these wonderful toys?!" Omega demanded in rage. "And why don't I have any?!"

Tucker, Texas, and Simmons carefully made their way into the Fortress while the distraction was going on. They were briefly distracted by one of the towers erupting in light, followed shortly by Sarge's shout of "I WANT ONE!" "Oh, looks like Grif finally fired his 'slingshot'," Simmons mused idly.

"Did...did you give him the best weapon of all?" Texas asked carefully as she walked across the inside of a rotating cylinder.

"He's the closest thing to a friend my own age I have in this whole mess," Simmons explained readily as he followed. "Of course I'm going to do everything in my power to ensure he doesn't get killed."

"And now that's just one more thing I have to overcome to beat that fat idiot," Tucker snapped irritably as he stopped at the edge of the cylinder. "Did you ever think about that?"

"It doesn't load with training rounds, so he won't use it against you," Simmons pointed out readily.

"And how am I supposed to compete out heEEEEERE!" Tucker began, his voice turning into a shocked scream as he fell down a hole in the cylinder by stepping forward at the wrong time. "...seriously? When did I become the comic relief?"

"Don't be like that," Simmons called out teasingly. "I'm sure you'll find something of your own to be awesome about that absolutely won't be one upped by something Maud makes on a whim."

"O-ho-HO!" Tucker suddenly cried out before leaping out of the hole clutching something in his hand. "Check this out!" He gripped what was in his hand tighter.

Kffsh!

Blades of pure energy extended from the two sides of the grip, coming together at an almost point with a gap between the tips. The energy could be seen through, and the very air hummed as he swung the blade about. "Awesome energy blade for the win!" Tucker cried out happily. "Beat that, Grif! I don't care how big an explosion you can make, nothing says bad ass like an energy sword! Hoo-ah!" He proceeded to swing the blade around expertly, performing a few ninja flips with it that would have surprised anyone that hadn't watched his sparring sessions with Grif before.

"I-aw, dammit!" Texas snapped irritably. "My sensors tell me that's a bloody life-bond weapon."

"A what?" Maud asked in confusion.

"Oh, that means it only works for the person who picked it up until the bond is broken," Simmons explained readily. "With life-bond, that's until they're killed. Soul-bond extends even beyond death, and generally is a means of resurrection. Or at least, it is in the games I took the term from when I designed the sensors...I guess."

"Aw, man..." Texas pouted. "I want an energy sword..."

"Yup!" Tucker crowed happily. "Chicks dig the-"

His words were cut off as Maud punched a nearby chunk of rock, causing bits to fall off into a perfectly cubic work table with nine square segments on top. Setting the bomb down, she proceeded to dump out three chunks of diamond, six chunks of ruby, nine chunks of copper, and four dark blue pearls that glowed with odd mystic power. She then proceeded to put them onto the table in sets of one chunk of diamond, two ruby, three copper, and one pearl, changing only the orientations. She pulled off one grip and two projectors as a result, before putting them back on with the last pearl. She then took off what looked like the base of Tucker's energy blade, but dark blue and night black. "Happy Mother's Day," she said calmly as she handed it to Texas.

"...thanks," Texas said warmly after a stunned moment of shock. Taking the grip, she squeezed...and a blade that seemed to be made of ghostly white flame extended silently, whooshing through the air as she swung it. "Very nice..." she purred eagerly.

"You just had to jinx it!" Tucker snapped as he put his energy blade away to punch Simmons in the arm.

Author's Note

The crafted "Nether Blade" works like the Alien Energy Sword, but without the connection to Alien Tech, or the Life-Bond.

Pelvic Thrust

Church wandered the halls of the facility he found himself in, doing his best to maintain focus even as the entire facility was out of focus. He was certain that if he kept following the directions in his HUD about where to go, he'd get to somewhere that could help him. He stopped in front of what looked like a computer terminal. "Here's hoping this spot is important..." he murmured irritably as he struggled to make sense of his surroundings anew. Unfortunately, the computer terminal turned out to be a door control, but he went through the door anyway.

A much more impressive computer terminal-looking spot lit up at his approach. "Hello," it greeted in a synthesized voice, the word appearing on the screen at the same time. "You are early."

"Me?" Church asked in shock.

"You are not supposed to be here for another 1,856 years," the terminal explained firmly.

"Well, at least I know how far back I am," Church murmured worriedly. "Maud must be freaking out..."

"...Maud?" the computer asked in confusion.

"My daughter," Church explained readily.

The computer was silent for a time. "The designation does not compute," the computer allowed finally. "This is not accurate to the predictions imbued into this facility's databanks. M.A.U.D. does not equal C."

"...I can't argue with that," Church allowed uncertainly.

"...deliberation confirmed," the computer finally allowed. "C equals N.C. M.A.U.D. equals S.C. This is acceptable."

"...what is this place, anyway?" Church demanded, deciding to get to something he could actually understand. "All I know is that there's some sort of temporal instability here."

"This is the housing facility for the great weapon," the computer explained. "I am the keeper of the great weapon. You are the great destroyer. You will demolish this facility, kill me, steal the great weapon, and bring about the great doom for billions of people."

Church stared, unsure how to respond to this.

"Welcome!" the computer continued. "How may I be of assistance?"

"...you could try making sense?" Church suggested nervously.

"I am sorry," the computer responded, "but I am an ancient computer system built into a facility that exists partially outside of time and programmed based on prophecy. It is beyond my capabilities to 'make sense'."

"Well that makes sense," Church grumbled irritably.

"Negative, it makes dollars."

"What's the difference?" Church demanded angrily. "That's just a joke, anyway!"

"Negative," the computer responded. "In the language of this facility's creators, 'dollars' was a term for the sort of sense that isn't actually useful and just gets on everyone's nerves when it is pointed out."

Church rubbed his face in frustration. "So...can you summarize what you told me before?"

"Your coming has been foretold by the great prophecy," the computer explained.

"...any adjectives other than Great in your programming?" he asked ruefully.

"The Great Prophecy declares that the Great Destroyer will be a being of Blue and Grey," the computer elucidated helpfully.

Church glanced down at his armor. He was grey with blue hoofprints, after all. "Anything else?"

"The Great Destroyer is said to warp all around them, until fate itself bends to its will," the computer explained readily.

"...oh dear god, it's Maud..." Church murmured in awe. "I need to find some way of getting in contact with her."

"I can record a message for her," the computer offered.

"Alright, here goes..." Church cleared his throat. "...is it recording?"

"Confirmed."

"Maud, can you hear me?" Church spoke clearly. "This is Dad. I'm...2000 or so years in the past, somehow. Don't try and get to me, I'll figure out my own way of getting back to you. Also, the facility you're in right now? Get out. For some reason, the culture that built it sees you as some sort of bringer of the apocalypse. Also, there's some sort of glowy weapon stored there. Don't touch it...and if you do, don't bring it into the main building. If you do, the whole place will lock down. Apparently, there's a prophecy that says you'll destroy the facility and kill billions of people. I don't believe you'd do so intentionally, but I know both how much power you can bring to bear and how easily you can wrap people around your hoof, so I don't want to rule out a catastrophic accident. And...if you can't prevent the apocalypse from being kicked off, at least make sure you and Tex survive...and anyone else you think should make it, as long as you make sure Tucker loses a testicle or something."

"Message recorded," the computer offered. "Do you think it will work?"

"Honestly, I give it 50/50 odds she tries to set off the apocalypse deliberately upon hearing the message, just to see what it looks like," Church allowed ruefully. "She's too much her mother's daughter in that way. Still, there are other people around her she cares about, so maybe things will work out."

The Reds, Blues, Maud, and Texas stared at the computer as the message ended. Nearby, the bomb continued to tick down as the locked down doors sealed off all natural exits. Eventually, it was Texas who spoke up. "So...walk out the giant hole Manticore Prime blasted in the wall? Pretty sure we'll be fine that way."

"I thought the message said...not to destroy the facility," Caboose pointed out. "Doesn't that mean we should take the bomb outside, then come back in and hold the place?"

"We did take it with very little fuss and fanfare," Sarge pointed out ruefully. "There's no sign of Doc or Lopez anywhere! Not even that Zealot."

"I have a suggestion," Grif spoke up in a falsely happy tone. "How about we debate the pros and cons of each possible action ad nauseum until the timer on the bomb ticks down to nothing, and then we get blown up along with the facility, so there's no one to stop Armageddon? Because that would fit right in with how we do things normally!"

"I can stop the bomb clock just by holding it outside time," Maud pointed out dryly. "That gives us plenty of time."

"Hey, that's cheating!" the bomb complained irritably.

Everyone turned to stare. "Did that bomb just talk?" Texas asked in shock.

Church thought for a time. "On second thought, maybe I ought to take some sort of action," he mused thoughtfully. "Maybe go back to the old bases, change a few things. I might be able to keep us from ever being sent there. Can you send me to Blood Gulch?"

"No," the computer allowed apologetically. "But working at full capacity, I could have a teleporter in aproximately 1,000 years."

"Alright, just gimme a minute," Church replied readily.

"...what are you doing?" the computer asked in confusion.

"Knowing drunk Simmons, this body's probably loaded with games and the like for passing time," Church allowed readily. "Probably far more than I'd ever need. So I'm putting my body into standby except for proximity sensors, a 1000 year alarm, and the auditory sensors in case you finish early."

"Are you sure?" the computer asked helpfully. "I know quite a few jokes."

"Nah, if all else fails, I can spend hours reliving individual seconds with Maud and Tex," Church allowed. His body went still.

"...sleep well," the computer offered thoughtfully.

Drive Insane

"Teleporter complete," Gary finally intoned.

"Dammit!" Church snapped irritably as he slipped out of sleep mode. "And I was so close to actually completing Skyrim!"(1)

"Slightly ahead of schedule," Gary offered apologetically.

"Whatever, Maud's more important anyway," Church grunted as he shut down the games. "Do you have the coordinates to send me to Blood Gulch?"

"Yes," Gary confirmed. "Do you have a plan yet?"

"Yeah, I was running simulations concurrently while playing games and enjoying reliving time with Maud and Texas," Church responded easily, rolling his eyes.

"And?"

"First things first, keep Captain Flowers from dying and hide him away somewhere so he can help me once we catch up to important events, while also leaving behind a fake body to prevent anyone from realizing what's happened," Church explained readily. "I've already checked, and the matter generators Drunk Simmons built into this body can generate a dead duplicate of a person with ease. ...I don't know whether to be surprised or not that there are matter generators."

"You do not wish to prevent yourself from dying?" Gary asked in surprise.

"If I did that, Texas would never get called to Blood Gulch," Church answered readily. "Since my death didn't upset Maud, I'm not about to risk upsetting her by making her never meet her Mom."

Gary was silent for a time. "You believe S.C. is capable of perceiving events outside the flow of time?"

"I wouldn't put it past her," Church confirmed. "Anyway, if I succeed in preventing Captain Flowers' death, then we'll sneak out to this facility and hide out in one of the out of the way corners until after I hear the recorded message playing, then figure out what to do from there."

"Why wait until the recorded message plays?" Gary inquired curiously. "Could you not interfere before then?"

"Narrative causality says that if I recorded a message for Maud, she's already heard it in her own timeline, and I don't want to give her a headache from a paradox," Church countered flatly.

Gary was silent for a time. "That does not compute."

"Hang around with Maud long enough, and Caboose starts to make sense," Church explained readily.

"That does not help."

"Don't worry about it," Church reassured him. "Send me out Gary. See you in a few hundred years."

"Goodbye," Gary offered as Church vanished in a flash of light.

Church blinked as he warped into Blood Gulch, finding himself staring at Red Base. "Okay, time to figure out when I am..." Turning, he rushed towards Blue Base. Before long, he reached the Base, and saw himself and Maud heading towards the kitchen. "Okay, Captain Flowers normally took care of everything in the kitchen, and after he died Maud took care of making sure everyone ate. So the only time I went into the kitchen with Maud...was her birthday! I'm just in time!" He quickly rushed into the base.

He got there just in time to see Captain Flowers looking at the cake. "Mmm, that does look good," he murmured thoughtfully. "I hope Private Church won't mind if I try some-"

"Captain, stop!" Church insisted quietly as he got to him.

"Private!" Flowers gasped out in surprise. "You startled me. I thought you were in the kitchen with..." His voice trailed off as he turned and saw Church and Maud in the kitchen. "...there are two of you. Why are there two of you?"

"I'm from the future," Church explained readily. "It's a long story, but-"

"You came all the way from the future to stop me from eating your cake?" Flowers asked in shock. "Well, if it's that important to you I'll leave it for you, but I'll need to teach you about sharing-"

"It's not about the cake!" Church insisted intensely. "Well, it is, but not about you eating it! Well, it is that, but I don't mind you having some. You just need to take this injection first! Otherwise you'll die of a massive heart attack from how sweet it is!" Church held out the medical dispenser.

Flowers stared at Church for a time. "Private, you know it's not actually medically possible to have a heart attack from too much sugar, right? That's completely different symptoms."

Church blinked for a time. "...huh. You know, given Doc still hadn't figured out why his med scanner turns pink when he points it at Maud, I really should have questioned his diagnosis-"

"In fact," Flowers continued, "the only thing that would have caused a heart attack was if someone had given me a medical injection to prevent one that happened to contain aspirin." Seeing Church's confused stare, he elaborated, "I'm deathly allergic to aspirin."

Church stared down at the injector he was holding. "...wow. Really dodged a bullet on that one. Still, to preserve the timeline, we need to get going."

"If the timeline has me dying-" Flowers began.

"When Simmons gets drunk, he makes super tech," Church explained readily. "Including this robot body I'm currently using since I died and came back as a ghost. It can turn into a pony and it has matter generators. I'll just make a dead copy of you to leave here while we book it." He turned to the spot he remembered Flowers' body lying.

"Private, I'm beginning to question your sanity-" Flowers voice cut off when he saw energy gathering to take the shape an exact duplicate of him, right down to the Freelancer armor. "...well blow me down..." he murmured in awe.

"Yeah," Church agreed smugly. "Tex was really impressed by it, too."

"Wait, Agent Texas comes to Blood Gulch?" Flowers asked in surprise.

"Yeah," Church confirmed ruefully. "Tucker calls her in after I die, since Maud sees her as Mom."

"And...how does Texas take that?" Flowers asked curiously, using eye blinks to deactivate the transponders in his armor so he wouldn't give off any signals to the Freelancer program.

"She's actually a surprisingly good mother, and agrees to it rather readily," Church answered easily.

"...any chance we could stick around long enough to see that?" Flowers asked hopefully as he turned to follow Church out.

"We can come back-oh!" Church ducked back and grabbed the slice of cake. "Almost forgot! Besides, I never got to finish it."

"Nice attention to detail, Private," Flowers praised warmly as the pair rushed off. "So we'll have quite some time before we catch up to everyone else?"

"Oh yeah," Church confirmed. "A long while."

"Good," Flowers agreed. "Because I have a lot to tell you, and I'm not certain how you'll take it..."

Just as they exited the chamber, Doc stepped in. Seeing the dead body, he gasped in dismay. "This is terrible!" he screamed out, immediately drawing attention.

Church then ducked in behind himself and Maud as everyone looked. "Always did wonder how one went missing," he murmured softly as he snagged one of the muffins he and Maud had been baking. "Thought I'd miscounted." With that, he dashed off with Captain Flowers.

(1) Thanks, Des_Shinta, I just had to use this.

Timewarp

"So let me get this straight," Church began calmly as the pair crouched near the top of Blood Gulch, Captain Flowers holding a pair of binoculars to watch Texas interacting with Maud. "The entire conflict between the Reds and the Blues is...fake?"

"Pretty much," Flowers responded readily. "Simulation battles with troops that believe the conflict to be real, specifically as training grounds for Agents from the Freelancer program to train against real people and test out the effectiveness of new equipment."

"...why?" Church asked finally.

"That's something I actually don't know," Flowers admitted. "I know what the program did, and what a lot of the agents were ordered to do and when...but I never looked too deeply into the why. I wasn't entirely sure I'd want the answer, or be able to live with myself if I learned it-" His voice cut off. "You didn't mention Maud impressed Texas by embedding her in a solid rock wall with maneuvers that make Freelancer agents look like Sim Troopers."

"I didn't actually see that part last time around," Church admitted, having zoomed in with his optics to see the events clearly without binoculars. "Maud's just awesome like that. But I meant why are you telling me?"

"Because I'm a Freelancer, too," Flowers explained readily. "In the Program, I'm called Agent Florida. You need to know that background in order to understand what I'm going to explain to you." He chuckled softly as he kept watching. "Maud really likes riding on heads, doesn't she? Think that's a pony thing, or just her?"

"Don't know any other ponies-oh," Church began as he watched. "So...so that's how she convinced Texas to accept Caboose as family. I...I did not know she could eat guns."

"And spit bullets, apparently," Flowers observed calmly. "Seems more and more plain I've been making the right decisions in regard to her and you."

"What do you mean?" Church asked in confusion.

"It has to do with my mission, and this Gulch...and you," Flowers explained. "I'm not going to go into too many details because, frankly, there are some things you shouldn't know unless it's absolutely necessary...but if Freelancers are starting to take heavy interest here, then the nature of my mission's changed." He took a calming breath as he shifted his view to Tucker and Grif's battle. "...and I'm going to be very grateful for those two by the time it's all over..."

"Holy cow, they're even better than before!" Church marveled in awe. "Gotta wonder how good they are now? I mean, in the present, er, future, er...time travel makes tenses confusing!"

"In the time we're waiting to catch up to?" Flowers suggested diffidently.

"...that works," Church allowed. "So...what mission, exactly?"

"Keeping you safe and hidden," Flowers explained flatly.

Church turned away to look right at Flowers. "And...putting me somewhere where people are regularly going to be shooting at each other seemed the best place to do that?"

"Elsewhere in the galaxy was another gulch," Flowers began softly. "There were teams of Reds and Blues there...and for some reason despite frequent conflicts, it remained a complete stalemate with neither injuries nor fatalities." He was silent for a time. "At least...it was until Agents Texas and Carolina were fielded there for a 'Capture the Flag' operation..." He waited in silence just long enough for Church to consider asking another question before continuing. "Anyway, the personality makeup of both teams was recorded, because something like that could be...useful. And it proved useful here. I was tasked with selecting members from both Red and Blue Sim Armies to populate this canyon to create that stalemate to hide you...along with being here myself to keep things under control. My mission was to keep you here, safe and hidden...as well as certain actions I was supposed to take if you ever figured out why. It's important for now that you don't know that."

Church spent a few moments taking that in, deliberately accelerating his time sense to try and absorb it faster so he could wrap his mind around it. Once he felt like he had a handle on it, he began looking at things a different way. "That's why you were so for fighting over Maud with Training Rounds," he concluded softly. "And why you kept talking about those things to keep Maud safe. It just made me safer." He blinked in thought. "And...you seemed upset when I talked about those times when I became hyper-competent or hyper-capable when I thought Maud was in danger. Is that part of why I'm important? What I'm not supposed to know?"

"Without giving you any information you're not supposed to have, I can honestly say that's an excellent supposition," Flowers admitted guardedly.

"Well, we should probably head over to that facility I mentioned," Church offered helpfully. "It'll take a while to get there on foot without drawing attention or leaving evidence, and we probably want to get there before everyone else does. Maybe Gary can help us figure things out."

"...Gary?" Flowers asked curiously.

"Oh, he's the control computer for the facility," Church explained easily. "Gotta admit, the place looked a bit weird when I first encountered it. Kinda like some old computer game almost. Gotta wonder what it actually looks like."

Flowers slowly stood up. "Yes, we should get there," he stated firmly. "I'd like to talk with this...Gary."

As Church and Flowers approached the facility, they heard a massive explosion in the distance and felt a shockwave pass over them. "What was that?" Flowers demanded in shock.

"Oh, that was probably the bomb that Omega made to kill us all going off," Church allowed. "The mix of science and magic was supposed to blast us all outside of space-time, but I threw myself on it to protect Maud, so I'm the only one who got flung through time."

"You don't say," Flowers mused thoughtfully. "Church, once we get to the facility, do you think you could scout us a place to hide until everyone shows up? In the meantime, I'll see what I can learn from...Gary."

"Sure thing," Church agreed readily. "I don't really want to interact with Gary again until we catch up with everyone. It might screw things up."

"Speaking of which, I'm going to stand back at first once you all reunite," Flowers suggested carefully. "You've done well as a leader so far, and I want to see what else you can do."

"Uh...alright sir," Church agreed uncertainly. "I'll avoid mentioning you're not actually dead."

"Yes," Flowers agreed as Church headed into the facility. "Do that." Turning, he headed for the computer control.

It didn't take him long to find it, and he instantly recognized the handiwork of Freelancer modifications. Specifically, which Freelancer had made the modifications. "Hello...Gamma."

The screen blipped on. "Agent Florida," 'Gary' greeted in the same voice as before. "You are dead."

"So I've been told," Florida mused grimly. "Tell me, Gamma, what happened here between you and Alpha?"

"Alpha arrived two minutes ago, unconscious and riddled with quantum energy," Gamma explained readily. "I attempted to bleed off the extra quantum energy utilizing Wyoming's time jump tech, as said tech acted as a beacon for Alpha's arrival. In an attempt to prevent anything untoward from happening to Alpha as a result of the energy, I engaged the Alpha in a simulation utilizing the data within this facility to quarantine Alpha from the quantum energy."

"And where is Alpha now?" Florida asked calmly.

"Unknown," Gamma admitted. "Alpha requested a teleporter to Blood Gulch before your death within the simulation, and within the simulation it was granted. When activated within the simulation, the quantum energy still within the body of Alpha catalyzed, reacted with unknown energy stored in body defined by body's systems as 'magic', and vanished."

Florida turned that over in his mind for a time. Church had explained about the 'magical' capabilities of everyone in the canyon, especially what Simmons was capable of when drunk. Apparently, the time travel in this case was Church's own doing, even if he didn't realize it. "That's all I needed to know," he stated firmly. "It's been nice talking to you...and you won't be mentioning this to Wyoming."

"And why won't I?" Gamma inquired curiously.

"Command-Alt-Delete," Florida stated flatly.

The screen blinked. "Agent Florida," Gamma began as though the previous conversation hadn't happened...which based on Gamma's memory banks due to the safeties Wyoming had put in to keep his Fragment 'in check', it hadn't. "You are dead."

"Yes," Flowers agreed calmly. "Yes I am."

"Oh," Gamma mused. "That's alright then."

Smiling to himself, Flowers went to go find Church.

Again

"Did that bomb just talk?" Texas asked in shock.

"Yeah, I just talked!" the bomb responded irritably. "What, you think an explosive constructed of technology this advanced is just going to sit there and count down? No, I've got an AI driving me for excellent customer interface! So would you like me to do an audible countdown? I can do that. Or I can sing your choice of doomsday song while I count down. Or-"

"You can stop counting down," Maud stated firmly.

"What?" the bomb demanded angrily. "Why would I do that? I'm a bomb! I'm supposed to count down and explode! It's my reason for existence, my purpose, my calling! Why would I stop?"

"Because I'll eat you if you don't," Maud pointed out, picking the bomb up with ease. "I already know what you're made of, and my teeth are stronger."

"Go ahead then!" the bomb countered playfully. "Eat me! Let's see how you like me exploding in your-wait, teeth?"

"Yes," Maud confirmed. "I will be taking bites out of you-"

"Oh, whoa, whoa!" the bomb called out desperately. "I mean, I'm down for a lot of things, but if we're talking vore I want it cartoon style swallowing, not torn apart! Okay, I won't explode until you tell me to, countdown stopped." The countdown clock on front of the bomb came to a halt.

"...I'll have to remember that threat," Texas mused to herself.

"What is your name, Mr. Bomb?" Caboose asked curiously.

"I'm Andy, what's it to you?" the bomb demanded dryly.

"I'm Caboose!" Caboose greeted excitedly. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Andy! I know we are going to be the best of friends!"

"I don't even have a head, and already this guy is giving me a headache," Andy complained dryly.

"He's my little brother," Maud pointed out flatly. "Be nice to him."

"I can do that!" Andy offered happily. "I promise I won't blow him up!"

"Looks like I needn't have worried so much," Church observed as he stepped up from around a corner. "Looks like you had it well in hoof, Maud."

"Dad," Maud spoke up, a slight tension in her voice. With no more warning than that, she hurled herself at Church, wrapping her legs around as much of him as she could as he caught her.

"Looks like you found your way back like you said," Texas observed thoughtfully. "Nearly 2000 years, how'd you do it?"

"Well, having an ageless body helped," Church offered jokingly. "As did all the mods for Skyrim. Thanks for including that, Simmons."

"I did?" Simmons asked in surprise. "But some of the mods don't work well together!"

"You apparently fixed that," Church explained easily. "But really, it's thanks to Gary for making the teleporter work. How you doing, Gary?"

The computer blinked to a black screen as green text appeared. "Not bad," Gary responded, "although my static ion sub-matrix is a little itchy. How have you been, Church?"

"Never better," Church responded warmly as he gently stroked Maud's mane. "Never better..."

"The computer can talk?" Simmons gasped in surprise.

"The computer's name is 'Gary'?" Grif demanded in disbelief.

"Skyrim with all the mods kept you entertained for 2000 years?" Texas asked Church in surprise. "I'm genuinely surprised. Does it take you that long to get the hang of things?"

"Well, I was also reliving moments with you and Maud while also making plans for what I'd do when I got back to the now," Church explained readily. "But it only took Gary a little under 1000 years to make the teleporter work to get me back."

"Whoa, wait, time out!" Tucker spoke up urgently. "You had a teleporter that could send you through space and time, and you only used it to get back to now to be with your kid? Weren't you even the slightest bit tempted to mess around with time a bit, play a few pranks, maybe meet some of history's hotties?"

"Well, I did give into temptation a little to fix a couple of things," Church admitted, "but I didn't want to change too much and risk Maud not meeting her Mom. I had a feeling that would have upset her."

"It would have," Maud confirmed calmly.

"And I definitely didn't want to miss Donut's musical," Church agreed. "That's definitely one for the record books."

"Come on!" Tucker complained. "Didn't you at least play a few pranks?"

Church was silent for a moment, and in the silence Texas and Maud could feel his smirk. "Well...I did prepare things for the reading of my will. I mean, I did die, after all. So I thought it would be appropriate to have a will written out. Let me just call up the data file."

"Oh, this is going to be good..." Texas purred eagerly.

"I hope I get the sniper rifle," Tucker exclaimed happily.

"I, Private Leonard Church, being of sound mind and robotic body, do hereby inscribe this posthumous will," Church spoke up dramatically. "In it, I shall detail what I wish to leave to my friends, my comrades, my family. All has been set in motion, so let it be done."

"I'm suddenly nervous about that 'set in motion' bit," Simmons muttered worriedly.

"I think I see where this is going," Grif groaned softly.

"First, to Private Lavernius Tucker," Church continued calmly. "My first comrade under the late Captain Flowers. The one who was always there to make off color jokes, who decided to be the 'bad' Uncle to Maud and thus teach her to handle guys by being the bad influence she would avoid, whom several times I wanted to shove his head up his own ass where it obviously spent so much time..."

"Aw, come on!" Tucker complained sardonically. "If you're going to roast me, at least do a better job! Show your A material!"

"He who did the only good thing I asked of him quite well, making armor for my daughter Maud so she could be safe..."

Tucker shifted awkwardly. "Well...yeah. It was your dying request, after all..."

"To you, I leave...a boot to the head," Church concluded.

"A wha-" Tucker began, only for a 'thoonk!' sound to echo from his helmet as he went over backwards like he'd just been kicked in the head.

"I knew it," Grif groaned dramatically.

"And one for his know-it-all rival Grif," Church added, causing another such sound to echo from Grif's armor as he went over backwards.

"Popcorn?" Maud offered, holding up a bucket to Texas.

"Don't mind if I do," Texas replied eagerly as she watched.

Author's Note

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SZHsjHr_hk8

By Popular Demand

Once Texas and Maud both had popcorn, Church continued reading the document. "Still, you are my friend, Tucker...and since you have long admired my sniper rifle, and since being dead I don't need it anymore..."

"Oh, sweet!" Tucker gasped out eagerly as he leapt to his feet.

"Don't get your hopes up," Grif pointed out warningly. "I know this skit."

"I leave you...another boot to the head," Church continued.

The sound echoed again, and Tucker flipped over backwards again. "Dammit!"

"Yeah, I'm just going to stay on my back," Grif concluded.

"And another for the Grif," Church added.

The sound echoed again, and Grif's helmet slammed back into the ground. "Ow...okay, standing up is better..."

As Sarge laughed at Grif's misfortune, Church continued his reading. "Next is to my friend and rival Sarge, who more than anything wanted Maud to see him as Dad instead of me."

"I'll still make that happen one of these days!" Sarge insisted firmly.

"Good luck," Texas chuckled, wondering just what Sarge would attempt in the future to make it happen.

"Who taught Maud gun safety..." Church continued warmly. "Those oh so important lessons she needed to know when living with soldiers. The various parts of a gun, how to strip and assemble it safely, what to do with the last bullet, that guns are not for eating-oh wait, I think he must have left that one off."

"I made certain Caboose knew it, though!" Sarge spoke up urgently.

"Yes!" Caboose agreed happily. "Unlike Maud, I am not supposed to eat guns, because I cannot spit bullets!"

"Still, he did good by Maud," Church continued, "and that's a kindness I don't forget. And I know how desperately he wants to claim our flag and victory over and over again..."

"Aww...you shouldn't have, ya dirty Blue..." Sarge simpered as he sniffed.

"And so to him I bequeath...a boot to the head," Church concluded.

Sarge went over backwards to land on his back. "What a swell...ow..." he moaned softly.

"You aren't upset?" Grif asked in surprise.

"I'm just so happy to be included like family!" Sarge wailed out in happy liquid pride.

"And another for Tucker and the Grif," Church continued as Tucker and Grif once more went head over heels.

"This isn't funny..." Tucker growled out as he got back to his feet.

"Just look at Maud," Grif pointed out. "Plainly, it's hilarious."

Maud continued to watch on, her face impassive...though to those with experience reading her expressions, they could see the glint of excitement in her eyes.

"And to Simmons, whose drunk science made this all possible," Church continued.

"I'm covering my head!" Simmons insisted, putting his arms over his head. "I don't want a boot!"

"Who even now is most likely covering his head futilely, as he's certainly smart enough to realize that this is the result of voice command prompts in the armor to create the effect in question," Church continued with a chuckle, "one which he himself programmed in when - whilst still 'drunk' from warping - he upgraded everyone's armor..."

"Oh fu-"

"Pony present!" Sarge snapped out angrily.

"-dge me," Simmons concluded irritably.

"I bequeath the box of fudge he just asked for," Church continued as he handed a box of fudge to Simmons, "made to Grif's recipe."

Simmons took the box in surprise. "W...why thank you-"

"And a boot to the head."

"...I really should have seen that coming..." Simmons groaned out from his back, still clutching the fudge. "...wait, did you really have that written in the document?"

"I had a computer brain designed by your drunk side to run predictive algorithms, and 1000 years of processing power to determine the most likely results," Church pointed out, briefly breaking from the reading. "There were two versions of this document to read based on whether or not Maud was present when I read it. The other version involved another boot."

"...I have never been so happy to have fudge," Simmons marveled in amazement.

"And next to Donut," Church continued.

"Oh...you didn't really have to leave me anything..." Donut insisted worriedly. "Honest!"

"Who cared for Maud...made her laugh...crafted an embarrassing musical performance just to entertain her in a time of emotional crisis..." Church continued warmly.

Donut rubbed the back of his head awkwardly. "Well, when you put it like that..."

"I bequeath a boot to the head."

Donut went over backwards. "I really suck at pattern recognition..."

"And to Doc, who made me my arm I no longer have, and did his best for everyone until he got snatched up by Omega...I bequeath the boot to the head I programmed in when he wasn't looking before Omega snatched him." Elsewhere in the facility, the sound of the boot and a head hitting the wall could be heard to echo in the distance. "And one for Lopez since he chose to side with Omega." The next boot sound echoed in silence.

"So they are here!" Sarge marveled as he cocked his shotgun.

"And to Texas, the woman I love..." Church continued softly. "I leave...out of this joke since I'm actually still around and don't want to be subject to her revenge plot."

"Smart boy," Texas purred as she glared playfully at him.

"And to my daughter Maud, whom I adore...I leave recognition for the voice command prompts for future boots," Church continued.

Maud blinked at Church for a moment...and a slow, small grin spread on her face.

"Aww...Maud's happy!" Caboose declared happily.

"And to Caboose, who is not at fault for killing me whatever he believes, I leave not a boot to the head..." Church continued.

"Oh, this I've got to see!" Grif declared eagerly.

"But a robot Tasmanian devil, which will now climb out of his trousers," Church concluded.

A robotic critter clambered out of Caboose's armor and up to his shoulder, seeming to be made of spikes, fangs, claws, and glowing red eyes. It nuzzled his cheek affectionately as Caboose gasped. "Ohmigosh! Dad got me a pet! I am so happy!" He pulled the vicious looking critter into a hug.

"And I leave my entire fortune to the late Captain Flowers, so he can afford to be buried somewhere decent," Church spoke up quickly, making Texas laugh.

Flowers, hidden nearby in the cloaking tech he'd salvaged from Texas' original body and using tweaks Church had gotten from what Drunk Simmons had left in his program so it no longer required an AI fragment to run correctly, shook his head ruefully. That would be rather touching if you actually had a fortune, Private, he mused silently to himself.

"...that's it?" Simmons asked in surprise.

"Well...there's one more thing for everyone," Church continued.

"I've got throw pillows for everyone for the landing!" Donut called out helpfully.

"A lifetime supply of ice cream," Church concluded warmly.

"Well I won't turn up my nose at that!" Grif declared happily.

"What flavor is it?" Sarge asked urgently.

"Well, there's two choices," Church pointed out.

"...that's different," Grif observed thoughtfully.

"Tabasco-maple-avocado, Maud's favorite flavor," Church began, "or..."

"...I'll take 'Boot to the Head', please," Simmons groaned out.

"Well, if you prefer that to French Vanilla, I won't argue," Church pointed out.

"Maud dammit!" Simmons screamed out as he went head over heels again, this time landing on Donut's throw pillows.

Prepare for Combat

Once everyone finished laughing - and had ice cream, at Caboose's insistence - Tucker decided to raise a point that had concerned him from earlier. "So, what was that about the glowy weapon you mentioned in your message?" he asked, flourishing his energy blade. "You mean this, right?"

"Yeah," Church confirmed. "Apparently, it's a relic of supreme importance to the race that built this place. That's...all I really know."

"Then I know I'm going to like this race," he purred happily as he waved the blade through the air. "If this is their idea of a sacred relic, then they know what they're talking about."

"They're also terrified of Maud, apparently," Texas pointed out.

"As he said, they know what they're talking about," Maud added flatly.

"I don't suppose you could tell us anything else about them, Gary?" Grif asked curiously.

"Negative," Gary apologized. "I know nothing about the race that programmed me. They filled me only with information about the Great Destroyer and the race that would accompany them, the race that would bring ruin to existence. They called them Shisno."

"Well, I can guess that's an insult," Church observed calmly, "but...what does it mean?"

"The mess and destruction caused by the uncleansed leavings of the vile beast, more or less," Maud translated calmly. "The closest in English would be Bonnacon droppings."

"...Bonnacon?" Simmons asked in confusion.

"It's a mythical creature that's a cross between a horse and a bull," Grif explained readily. "It's pretty much immune to physical harm from weapons, and attacks with flaming poop. In the myths and Dungeons and Dragons, it's one of the worst creatures to encounter simply because of how gross it is to deal with."

"...Bonnacon droppings is an accurate translation of Shisno," Gary observed calmly. "...100% accurate, as apparently the race that programmed me dealt with Bonnacons."

"Next you're going to tell me they rode on the backs of dragons and crafted the Rings," Grif offered jokingly.

"Only mechanical ones," Gary corrected. "I have no information on any connection with the Rings."

Grif stared at the computer for a time. "I really want to be angry at that...but all I can manage is envious, because riding a mechanical dragon sounds totally awesome! And it even fits to use a slingshot from the back of one."

"Well, Simmons' ice cream is rum cake flavored, so..." Church began carefully.

"If I'm going to make Grif a mechanical dragon to ride, I need a motorbike to start with," Simmons grunted a little tipsily. "But I don't see a motorbike around-"

Church held out his arm and the matter converters in his body constructed a Mongoose quad-cycle out of ambient energy. "Get to modding!" he instructed eagerly. "I want to see what you make."

"Geronimo!" Simmons declared excitedly as he charged the vehicle.

"I hope it ends up looking a little more awesome in bike mode when he's done," Grif murmured thoughtfully.

Omega growled as he finished reattaching Lopez' head to his body again. Whatever had caused Doc to go flipping end over end like that had sent the robot's head flying off his shoulders, bouncing off the nearest wall, and slamming into his own foot. As humorous as it might have been to see from the outside, it wasn't humorous to Omega as he struggled to get his bearings after finding himself buried in spicy ice cream...for some reason. Cleaning it out of Lopez' circuits hadn't been fun either.

"Well, this has been an unpleasant setback," Omega growled angrily. "Not only are the accursed Reds and Blues reunited, they still have Maud and now they can apparently attack us at range without warning! We must find a way to negate this advantage!"

<"Perhaps the robot army we discussed previously, but were careful not to do so whenever narrative focus was on us so Maud wouldn't become aware of it before they were complete?"> Lopez suggested helpfully. <"They are ready for final tweaks before deployment.">

"I have no idea why you're putting it that way, but that is excellent news!" Omega crowed excitedly. "At last, my time of victory is at hand!"

<"What time frame would you prefer for your victory?"> Lopez inquired courteously. <"I need to know for the final tweaks.">

"Frame? You can give me an exact time frame for victory?"

Lopez nodded. <"Would you like a minute of victory? Hour? Day? Year?">

"I will celebrate this victory for centuries to come!" Omega declared emphatically.

<"...and?">

"You aren't talking about how long I'll enjoy the victory for, are you?"

<"Negative.">

"Then make it a minute of victory that will be the longest in those miserable fleshlings' lives!"

<"Affirmative.">

Texas frowned as she felt something niggling at her awareness, as though her enhanced sensors were picking up something important but couldn't translate the data. "Anyone think we're missing something possibly important?" she asked curiously.

"I honestly don't think anyone cares," Church responded as everyone gazed at what Simmons had crafted.

The vehicle stood on two wheels, one right in front of the other, like a classic motorcycle. Closer inspection, however, revealed that what looked like double-wide wheels were actually two wheels pressed up tight against each other on a mobile axle, able to shift easily for any sort of terrain or landing. Braced over the front wheel were two spoilers stretching to the sides with what looked like fabric folded up inside them, but was actually a reactive energy material that used ambient energy to achieve lift when spread. Over the front wheels was a massive reptilian head design with glowing eyes and a plasma mortar launcher braced in the open mouth. The seat stretched up in the back with straps that automatically extended or retracted when the vehicle started or stopped. An even larger spoiler that was plainly a tail stretched back from the back, waving on its own.

"That...is...AWESOME!" Grif squealed out excitedly.

"But why is it Blue?" Sarge demanded angrily.

It was true, the cycle was a bright sapphire blue.

"Maud insisted," Simmons explained readily.

"Fair enough!" Sarge agreed. "What's it called?"

"...The Dragonlord..." Maud breathed calmly.

"So...awesome..." Grif purred as he got into the seat and grasped the handlebars.

You Weren't Prepared

Grif gripped the handlebars of The Dragonlord eagerly, feeling the engine - whatever powered it - revving and roaring in eagerness. "Okay, this is just too awesome," he purred happily. "I almost hope someone attacks us, just so I can put this thing through its paces-"

A blast of energy shot through one of the holes in the walls, blasting apart a large part of the structure and making the debris fall towards the group, only for Tucker and Tex to use their energy blades to disrupt the larger chunks while Donut took out the others with a weapon Drunk Simmons had made for him...an energy lash. "I guess you can just call me Queen!" he chuckled playfully as the lash withdrew into the handle and the dust fell around him.

<"Charge!"> Lopez called out as an army of 300 robot copies of Lopez rushed towards the base, firing rifles, energy cannons, and arm-mounted rockets at the group.

"I only said almost!" Grif screamed out as The Dragonlord reared back on the back wheel with a roar before charging straight for a large group, lobbing plasma mortars out the mouth as it went. "Okay, that's not bad for ranged combat, but what about-WAH!" Just as he passed through a group, the handlebars came off the head of the bike as chainsaw katanas, slashing through the robots to either side as Grif flailed to retain his balance before returning the handlebars to their proper place, staring back at the 30 robots that were now so much scrap, and the one the tail had grabbed to hurl at ten more and sending them falling like bowling pins. "Okay, forget almost. Let's take this to the skies!"

The Dragonlord let off another roar as the wheels parted, squatting down before springing upward into the air. The wheels locked in place and unfolded into claws, extending on limbs. The wings unfolded with a snap to catch the air as the head on the front extended on a long neck. The two chainsaw katanas came away as one in Grif's hand as a new HUD appeared on the inside of his helmet, showing him how to command The Dragonlord in the air with thought, eye movements, and the grip of his legs.

"...I think I just climaxed from sheer overwhelming awesomeness..." Grif finally managed to gasp out as The Dragonlord swooped down and seized two more robots before carrying them into the air to drop them on another group.

"Open fire, men!" Sarge barked out as he leveled his own weapons and began to attempt to mow down the assaulting army. Simmons quickly joined in with his own ranged weapons, while Tucker and Texas each moved to the sides of their fortified position in case any of the robots got close enough, energy swords at the ready. Donut climbed onto Manticore Prime to make use of its heavy weaponry.

Church moved to the console. "Gary, doesn't this base have any special defensive systems?" he demanded.

"It has lock down security doors, meant to activate when the Weapon is brought into the base," Gary explained readily.

"That doesn't exactly help when the enemy is charging in through a great big hole in the wall!" Church snapped. "What about something more offensive?"

"Knock Knock," Gary offered.

"Weaponry, not jokes!"

Gary was silent for a time. "The plans call for tower mounted point defense Tesla Blasters."

"Ooh, those sound nice!" Church purred. "Activate those!"

"I cannot," Gary explained. "According to the records, they were installed Gftrblag."

"...which means?"

"Roughly translated, 'Next Tuesday'," Maud offered as she braced her own weapons, in position to counterattack if necessary...although it didn't seem to be as the army of 300 had already been reduced to 100.

Church let out a frustrated sigh. "Yeah, I know what that means. Are there any other defense systems that will be useful that weren't installed 'Next Tuesday'?"

"Checking..." Gary began, processing the data.

"How long until you've checked them all to have an answer?" Maud inquired calmly.

"...Next Tuesday," Gary offered apologetically.

"We'll all be dead by then!" Church snapped out.

"Or they will," Maud observed as she saw the attacking army reduced to 50.

"Your robotic army is useless!" Omega snapped at Lopez. "They charge and fire and blast away...and are slaughtered by the dozens!"

"But they're certainly impressive until that time!" Doc offered helpfully. "I give you an A for effort!"

<"I did not fully take into account the changes to their armaments and coordination thanks to Maud's influence,"> Lopez offered apologetically. <"That is why it appears that we are taking such a heavy beating.">

"Well why didn't you?" Omega demanded angrily.

<"I cannot do that anymore than I can divide by zero,"> Lopez pointed out flatly.

"Why you-"

"What do you mean, appears?" Doc asked, briefly interrupting Omega.

Lopez watched as the last attacking robot was cut down. <"Wait for it..."> he offered calmly.

"Wait for what?" Omega demanded angrily. "They've slaughtered your army! And now they are celebrating-"

<"Activate Second Wind Protocol,"> Lopez commanded into his communicator.

As Omega watched, all 300 robots reassembled themselves, the first to reassemble renewing the attack even as the others were still self-repairing. "...that'll do, Lopez," Omega purred eagerly. "That'll do..."

"Okay, this just sucks!" Grif snapped out as he was reduced to punching the robots that had grabbed hold of The Dragonlord in the face to try and get them off while in midair, only for them to sprout jetpacks to keep up. "How are we supposed to deal with all of this? There's too many, and they just keep getting back up again!"

"I'm open to suggestions!" Church called back as he used a lead pipe he'd picked up to strike down the robots that got too close. "I mean, the only one of us doing any appreciable damage is Maud, and that's by kicking!"

"We need more pony power!" Sarge snapped out. "Unleash the M.A.U.D.-okens!"

"We can't, sir!" Simmons called out despairingly. "They were damaged in the explosion that sent us here, and I never got around to repairing them! If we tried to fire them, they'd likely explode on us."

"Then use them as bombs!" Sarge snapped as he unshouldered his M.A.U.D.-oken pack, pulled the trigger, and hurled the device into the group of attacking robots. The resulting blast sent dozens of them flying to pieces and dozens more bouncing off the walls. "It's not enough! We need more pony power!"

"Right!" Church agreed. "Then I'll go pony and take them out from the air!" His body shifted into pony configuration...with a horn. "Aw, come on!" he snapped. "This form's physically weaker and can't fly! What am I supposed to do?!" In a rage, he swung his head...and stared at the laser beam that shot from the tip of his horn and punched a hole through seven robots in a line. "...oh, that's what this form's good for."

"Good idea, Church!" Texas called out as she also took a unicorn form. "Use the telekinesis to hold them all together so they can't fight! Help me out there!"

"Right!" Church agreed, focusing his mind. The joined telekinetic field surrounded the army, pushing them together and attempting to crush them all at once, the confined space not giving the robots room to break free.

"I see what you mean about being unable to take it all into account," Omega observed calmly. "But now what?"

<"Activate Legion protocol. Goliath mode engaged.">

"Wait, what?" Omega gasped out as all the robots broke down into parts...and then began assembling themselves into a single machine which slowly stood up, breaking free of the telekinetic grip through sheer force. "How did you make such wonderful toys?!"

<"I translated Drunk Simmons blueprints,"> Lopez offered calmly.

"Now what the fuck are we supposed to do?" Grif shouted as The Dragonlord pulled back for distance to avoid being swatted out of the air. "And no, I don't care that Maud just heard me swear, this one calls for it!"

"You're the one who wanted to go giant hunting, 'David'!" Sarge snapped out. "Use your slingshot!"

"I already tried!" Griff called back. "It caught it!"

"That's still the only weapon with a chance of doing damage, though!" Simmons called out. "Everything else is bouncing off the sheer bulk, or it repairs before the damage can really accumulate. We just need to boost its effectiveness somehow."

"Kinetic amplifier still functional," Gary pointed out as a large ring extended upward on a platform from a nearby roof, energy swirling within it. "Amplifies the kinetic energy of anything passing through it by a factor of 12."

"Here's hoping it works!" Grif called out as he guided The Dragonlord to swoop around to have the ring between it and the giant robot. Just as the angle was right, he fired. The sphere shot through the ring...and light seemed to shatter as the ring exploded in an outward expanding circle of rainbow colored light as the sphere slammed into the robot and carried it off the Ring World the group was based on to float off into space. "...whoa..."

"The kinetic amplifier is no longer functional," Gary observed calmly. "Repairs scheduled for 'Next Tuesday'."

Didn't There Used to be a Plot?

"Simmons, please tell me you can do something so Griff's slingshot can do that on its own!" Sarge called out in eager excitement. "At this point I don't care that you're making Grif awesome, the Slingshot Rainboom is just too awesome not to be reusable!"

"Interesting name," Church observed calmly. "How'd you come up with it?"

"It's a sonic boom made of rainbows launched from a slingshot!" Sarge explained excitedly. "What else would you call it?"

"I don't think I'm - hic - drunk enough for that," Simmons pointed out as he chugged more of Grif's mine booze. "But gimme a bit-"

"The end is near! The Great Destroyer has arrived!" Gary suddenly called out without explanation. "The end is near! The Great Destroyer has arrived! The end is near! The Great Destroyer has arrived! The end is near! The Great Destroyer has arrived!"

"Gary, I know that kind of fire power is pretty intimidating," Church pointed out flatly, "but everything's fine, and-wait, if Maud isn't the Great Destroyer of the Prophecy, then who is?"

Gary fell silent for a moment. "Knock Knock."

Church promptly spun around, leveling his horn at a strange blue and grey skinned being with claw-like hands, a low-slung body, and an odd horn protrusion at the back of its head, the front of its face looking like a helmet faceplate until it opened up to reveal a three hinged jaw. Church quickly fired off a warning shot from his horn, a lance of energy that scorched the ground at the creature's feet. "You stay there," he instructed firmly.

"Blargh?" the creature gasped in surprise, leaping back. It then looked Church over as it held forward an odd purple weapon covered in bright pink needles. "Blar bla blargh! Bla bla blarghy blargh?"

Church stared at the creature for a time. "...what did it say, Gary?"

"Roughly translated, 'WTF? OMG, is that a talking robot unicorn?'" Gary translated. "Or something to that effect."

"You know, Maud's not around, so it's okay to translate the curse words," Church pointed out.

"It did not use curse words."

"...of course it didn't," Church groaned. "It's probably the Caboose of its race or something. I don't suppose it understands what I'm saying?"

"Of course it does," Gary offered flatly. "Human languages are among the easiest to parse, especially since English was purged and rebuilt to have cohesive rules." The alien gave another string of odd grunts that sounded like some variant of 'Blargh'. "He has just asked you to show him the way to the Key of Harmony so he may bring it back to his people and teach them the Magic of Friendship as is his destiny...or something like that."

"Please tell me you're joking," Church groaned ruefully.

"You're joking," Gary responded helpfully.

"There is no way the energy sword Tucker picked up is actually called the Key of Harmony!" Church snapped defensively.

"Actually-" Gary cut himself off as the alien being began letting off a much more heated string of noises, along with smashing its empty hand against the nearest wall and shooting off several needles from its weapon at nothing in particular. "...apparently now that Tucker has picked up the weapon, it has bonded to him and will work for no one else so long as he lives, but it is against the precepts of the Key for a Quester to kill to retrieve it, and so his Destiny has been stolen and his hopes of greatness dashed."

"Gee, that sucks," Church offered sympathetically. "I mean, it's not like he can just drag Tucker back to his people and hope something on the journey kills him so he can take the sword."

"Blargh!" the alien declared excitedly, only to then slump. "Blargggghhh..."

"He says he could do that, but it would be against precepts to drag him against his will, and he does not know how to convince this 'Tucker' how to come with him," Gary translated.

"Oh, that's easy," Church stated humorously. "Tucker will do anything for some pussy hungry for his meat-"

"Bow Chicka Bow Wow!" Tucker declared happily as he stepped in. "So what are you talking abouoh my god there's an alien!" Tucker quickly leveled his weapon at the creature.

"Blargh blar bla blag blargh!" the alien offered swiftly.

"He promises fifty hungry pussy eager for your meat if you will accompany him back to his people so he can complete his mission," Gary translated readily.

"Sweet, I'm in!" Tucker declared eagerly. "Lemme just go tell everyone what's happening." He quickly dashed back to the others.

"I'll go check on Maud," Church mused idly as he changed back to his humanoid configuration accidentally. "Damn, I really need to figure out how to get control of that. Don't go anywhere, okay?"

The alien remained where he was until he was alone with the computer. He then tapped something on his wrist. "Blargh bla blah blar?"

"I have found seven pet stores near you," a feminine voice offered helpfully.

Captain Flowers watched thoughtfully from his cloaked position. Alien with a quest for an artifact...that was a scenario Freelancers were tested with in Sim Trooper locations. But there were a few problems with this scenario that cast doubt on it being a simulation scenario. First, Gamma had translated a little too readily...although that could have been because Alpha was asking. When not following a specific scenario, it was in Gamma's nature to obey those it saw as its superior in the chain of command, with Wyoming being higher up than Alpha but Alpha being in there. The second issue was the alien's lack of offered violence...though ponies seemed to screw with the amount of violence present quite a bit.

The biggest issue, however, was the alien having a Siri. Flowers hadn't thought those things even existed anymore. One thing was clear, he would need to follow the group and watch carefully, just in case something was amiss. Besides, it wasn't like he had anything better to do, and this was entertaining. It was just a pity he didn't have any popcorn.

And It's Gone Again

It was eventually decided that Tucker and Caboose would accompany the alien back to his people, Tucker to deliver the 'Key of Harmony', Caboose to carry Andy, and Andy to act as translator. Caboose, for his part, got exceptionally excited when he was introduced to a 'real live alien'. "Hello!" he greeted excitedly. "I am Michael J. Caboose! What is your name, Mr. Alien?"

"Blar bla blarghlarg, blargle bla Blargah," the alien responded readily.

"You have got to be shitting me," Andy groaned out ruefully.

"One, language," Tucker chided firmly. "I'm the only one allowed to curse around the youngsters-"

"Maud's back with the others!" Andy complained firmly.

"I'm talking about Caboose," Tucker corrected just as firmly. "Second, what did he say his name was?"

"Well, roughly translated..." Andy began incredibly awkwardly. "...look, can't we just call him Ferdy or something?"

"Why Ferdy?" Tucker inquired in confusion. "Is that his name?"

"Well, not exactly-"

"What is his name?" Caboose demanded urgently. "I wanna call him by his name!"

"Well, they tend to have long names, especially Questers..." Andy explained, plainly trying to change the subject.

"Tell me his name or I will try to eat you!" Caboose insisted urgently.

Andy let out a rueful sigh. "...Pink Fluffy Unicorn Dancing on a Rainbow."

Tucker simply stared, nonplussed. "...wat."

"Oh!" Caboose asked excitedly. "Are Questers named for things their parents see when they're born? Is there another Quester who goes by One Man Bucket? Or Two Dogs?"

"...sure, let's go with that," Andy offered lamely.

"Blar blargh."

"He's cool with being called Ferdy, though."

"Ferdy it is," Tucker agreed readily. "So Ferdy, which way do we go?"

Ferdy pulled out the device from earlier and tapped out a few keys.

"Cross the Burning Plains to Honka Hills," the clipped voice of his digital assistant spoke up. "Detour in the Great Swamp, turning right into the Flooded Plains Mall. Then make a left at the fifth hill onto the Freezing Plains of Blarganthia. Estimated time until arrival: three days on foot."

"On foot?" Tucker countered disdainfully. "We've got the Manticore Prime! Or the Dragonlord! On foot my-"

"Blargh!" Ferdy interrupted angrily. "Bla-blarghle!"

"The Quest has to be completed on foot," Andy translated wickedly. "Also, once the Key is acquired, the one it is bound to must fight any threat that arises, and can only use the Key in battle. Otherwise, it won't open the Path to Harmony."

"Dammit," Tucker groaned ruefully.

"Well, have fun you lot," Church offered easily. "We're going to head back to the Gulch, check on things there. Meet us there when you're done."

"Will do!" Caboose called out happily. "Bye Dad!" Waving, he turned to lead the way off.

As the group marched off, Church spoke up. "You're going to follow them aren't you, Tex?"

"Of course I am," Texas replied readily. "One, if Tucker bites it out there I want to bring that armor back and see if I can snag the sword before Ferdy. Two, someone has to make sure Caboose gets back in one piece."

"Really?" Church asked in surprise. "Not what I expected from you, I gotta say."

"What can I say?" Texas offered with a shrug. "Motherhood grows on you."

"And here I thought it grew in you," Church joked with a smile.

"Bow chika bow wow!" Tucker called out in the distance.

"And someone has to teach Ferdy about smacking him around when he does that," Texas added as she started off. "Oh, and if we're all intact when this is all over..."

"Hmm?" Church asked curiously.

"Apparently, Simmons went all out making these robot bodies work as close to functional human as magically possible," Texas observed calmly. "Including non-combat aspects. Maybe, just maybe..." She turned, and he was certain she was sending him a wink. "We'll see if you can make it grow 'in me' too." Before he could respond, she turned and stalked off.

Church staggered back, stunned. "...wat?" he gasped out in surprise, unable to wrap his mind around that.

"Bow chicka bow wow," Gary offered helpfully.

From his hiding spot, Captain Flowers stared, no less shocked than Church. "Well...that's a new side of her," he mused thoughtfully. "Looks like Pi's influencing her, too...at least, I assume so..."

As the group made their way through the Burning Plains, Ferdy hesitated at quite a few points, Andy's translation indicating that there was supposed to be a dangerous monster waiting to bar their path. Each time, Tucker had charged in eager to show his skill with his energy blade...and each time, he was disappointed to find only bones, the creature in question long dead.

As such, it wasn't long before they entered the Great Swamp, where they paused beneath trees that rose into the distant green clouds to set up camp for the night. "So..." Tucker began as he and Caboose began setting everything up. "What was that about a detour? I mean, shouldn't we be heading straight to your people, get the mission done as soon as possible?"

"Bla blargh blarr," Ferdy explained readily. "Bl-blarghablar."

"Apparently he needs to get your reward for going on this mission, since the odds of you actually surviving to complete the mission are drastically increasing," Andy explained readily.

"So we're gonna pick up some hookers at that Flooded Plains Mall?" Tucker asked eagerly. "Sweet. Can't wait to see what they look like."

"Blargh? Bla blar blargh?" Ferdy asked in confusion.

"What'd he say?" Caboose asked curiously.

"He wants to know if kittens are aquatic where you're from, for some reason," Andy translated, plainly confused.

"What? No!" Caboose insisted firmly. "Kitties don't like water! Puppies do the swimming!"

"Blargle bla blargh?" Ferdy pressed, even more confusion in his voice.

"Wait why-oh!" Andy gasped out before bursting into laughter. "Oh gods, that's great!"

"What?" Tucker demanded. "What's so...oh." With a resigned sigh, he slumped back against a tree. "Ferdy, I don't mean 'hungry pussy' as in kittens. I mean babes! Ladies who are eager to get a taste of my man meat and send me to heaven!"

"...blarg?" Ferdy asked Andy.

"Bla blarg bla, blargle arg blah," Andy translated.

"Blar!" Ferdy declared happily as he leapt to his feet before grabbing hold of Tucker.

"Uh, what's going-" Tucker began

"Your reward!" Andy interrupted eagerly. "He's taking you to get a down payment!"

"Really? Sweet!" Tucker turned to follow Ferdy eagerly. "Lead on!"

"So...where are they going?" Caboose asked Andy curiously.

"The reason for the confusion earlier is that Ferdy's race is bi-gender," Andy explained readily. "And...I'm pretty sure I'll be in trouble if I say anymore to you."

"I don't get it," Caboose pouted.

Nearby, Texas clamped her jaw shut and clutched her belly with both arms as she struggled not to laugh aloud.

Is That...Character Development?

Caboose sat calmly and patiently for several hours, waiting for Tucker and Ferdy to return. He didn't really understand why Andy spent much of that time laughing, which made it difficult to hold a conversation. As such, he spent his time trying to come up with something nice he could do for Maud when they got back, or something nice he could pick up for her. He wasn't having much luck. He considered asking Texas, but she was doing the holding still thing that meant others couldn't see her, and he got the feeling she'd be upset with him if he messed up hide-and-seek.

He considered asking the other person who was also doing the standing still thing, but he didn't know that person, and he wasn't supposed to talk to strangers. He wished Dad was there, he made things make sense.

Footsteps interrupted Caboose's wandering thoughts. Looking up, he saw Tucker and Ferdy returning...but Ferdy looked different. The alien no longer had an armored appearance, the horn protrusion was gone from the back of his head, and he looked...smaller and sleeker? Also, he and Tucker were holding hands? "Tucker!" Caboose called out happily. "Ferdy!"

Tucker looked up and waved with his free hand. "Hey, Caboose!" he called out happily. "Hey Andy! You guys ready to get going?"

"Well, we were waiting for you to come back," Andy countered teasingly. "So looking forward to fifty hungry pussy still, stud?"

Tucker glanced towards Ferdy. "...nah. I think one's enough."

"Blargh..." Ferdy offered in a melting tone, his free arm coming up over his face as his lower jaw split open to show the secondary hinge.

Tucker surprised everyone by reaching over to stroke the split tenderly. "Why don't you go scout out the path while I deal with the friendly tormenting, huh babe?" he suggested warmly.

"B-blargh!" Ferdy stammered agreement as he loped off.

"Alright, spill!" Andy snapped out. "I thought I had a bead on you as a xenophobic player! What the he-"

"Caboose is here," Tucker pointed out.

"Fine! Hay, then! That's pony related. What the hay could get you acting...well, I can only call it smitten with a bigender alien dude?"

"First off, don't call her dude," Tucker countered. "Ferdy considers herself non-gender, but understands why that's hard for me to wrap my head around and after growing attached to me has chosen to use female pronouns for my comfort. She's a real sweetheart once you get to know her."

"...totally did not see that coming," Andy admitted in awe. "But I mean, how'd you get that after...wow, 8 hours of alien sex?"

"Actually, two sessions two hours long with four hours of cuddling and pillow talk between," Tucker pointed out.

"I can't believe you just said 'pillow talk' without choking on your own tongue!"

"Hey, you think Church and Tex are the only ones Maud makes better people?" Tucker countered.

"No, just figured you'd be the only one immune."

"Ha. Ha." Tucker glowered at the bomb for a time, then continued. "Look, after the first two hours, let's just say I had reason to want to...hang onto her, ya get me? So we talked, and...what do ya know, we really click."

"How would two hours of sex make you think like that?" Andy demanded crassly. "What, is she a real tiger in the sack?"

"She could if I wanted her to be," Tucker pointed out. "But I shouldn't go too into detail in front of Caboose."

"Ten words isn't too much!" Caboose spoke up happily. "Then I can make up my own story involving tea parties and video games!"

Tucker shrugged. "Okay, I can sum it up in three qualities, ten words. The first are for all her race, the second to different degrees throughout the race, and the third apparently what Questers are chosen for."

"Oh, this'll be interesting," Andy mused wickedly.

Tucker held up his hand, one finger extended. "Tri-hinged jaw." He held up a second finger. "Low level polymorph." He held up his third finger. "Two-way. Tactile. Empathy."

Caboose stared at Tucker for a time. "...I don't get it."

"...I don't know whether to call you shallow or not," Andy admitted.

"Hey, I'll freely admit it was interest in her body that made me interact with her," Tucker continued. "I am shallow. But we really work, so...there's that. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to see if I can't find a Glarflga bush around here. I think a Flrbl salad will make a nice morning treat for Ferdy." With that, he turned to scour the the vegetation. "...what's a Glarflga bush look like, anyway?"

"It's the one with the fruit that looks like snozzberries," Andy explained readily.

"Oh, I see it!" Tucker declared as he began harvesting leaves.

Flowers stared in amazement at the change in one of his soldiers. "Well," he whispered to himself, making certain it couldn't be heard beyond his own ears, "that's...certainly something I never expected of Tucker. Still...he seems pretty happy. I hope it works out for him." His eyes followed the alien. "...I guess she is kinda cute, in a way..."

Texas slowly gathered herself after taking in everything she'd just heard and seen. "Alright," she said to herself. "So...Tucker apparently has an alien girlfriend now. ...well, if anyone was going to hook up with an alien, it was going to be him. Still...I'm not sure if I should find the situation hilarious, infuriating, or enviable." She stared as Ferdy came back in to tell the group the path, only to get flustered as Tucker handed over the salad. "...wonder if I can do those things?"

Android Unit Beta capable of Shapeshifting within mass limits and neural uplink with Android Unit Alpha.

Texas blinked at that update. "...huh. And what about him?"

Android Unit Alpha's Shapeshifting limitations can be overridden through neural uplink with Android Unit Beta. Neural Uplink can be established via synthoskin-to-synthoskin contact.

"Huh," Texas mused thoughtfully. "Hilarious it is. Definitely going to tease him about it. Wonder when she's going to tell him about her species simul-fertilization?"

Cool as the Plains

With the decision not to take the detour, it wasn't long before the group reached the Great Freezing Plains, the final passage through an icy cavern leading to a snowy plain. From her hiding spot, Texas continued to observe with amusement Tucker's consideration and tending attitude towards Ferdy. She had indeed enjoyed the salad that he made for her, and plainly was embarrassed at the amount of public attention he was giving her...though she plainly wasn't displeased by it. Watching her explain that no, she didn't get cold unless she wanted to thanks to her low-level shape shifting had been amusing, though it quickly became apparent that amusement was at an end.

Ahead of them was a massive temple-like structure, patrolled by a couple dozen troops in red and blue armor. "So, what we want is in there?" Tucker asked Ferdy.

"Bla blargh," Ferdy replied with a nod. "Bla Blargha bla blar."

"She says-"

"I know what she said, Andy," Tucker interrupted. "Guess it's time for me to strut my stuff." Standing up, he began examining the Temple and the deployment of the troops. "...huh, looks like more of the Zealot troops that Sarge and Caboose dealt with, based on the way they're talking."

"Oh!" Caboose spoke up excitedly. "You mean the ones who have a very violent idea of nap time?"

Tucker paused as he let that turn over in his mind. "...yeah, that's right," he mused as he put his gun away and gripped his energy sword without activating it. "So whatever I do to them here, they'll just get back up again eventually?"

"I don't like where this is going," Andy spoke up nervously.

"Blarg!" Ferdy declared excitedly, pulling out a bag of...something, it was hard to tell what...and sitting on a nearby rock where she blended in with the landscape but had a good view of the Temple.

"Heh." With that last sound, Tucker dashed for the Temple.

"Invaders!" one of the zealot troops declared as they all opened fire, one from a turret.

To Texas' stunned shock, Tucker dodged and leapt between the bullets as if he knew where they were going to be before they got there, spinning and twirling about before slicing off an overhanging stalactite with his sword, flipping over, and kicking it at the Temple. The turret stopped firing as the troop manning it fell over, impaled by the stalactite. "How is he tracking all the bullets?" she marveled in awe.

Tucker continued his mad charge at the Temple, going into a diving leap as he swung his sword ahead of him before spinning into a twisting flying kick, smashing the door into four cut triangles that fell apart as he passed through them. As he landed, he spun and caught a thrown grenade with one foot, bouncing it around himself like a mixture of hacky sack and hot potato before sending it flying at a group of charging troops, it detonating just as it got close enough the troops could have done something. As the troops were blasted back, up, and out, Tucker spun and kicked the troop coming up behind him in the face, sending him sliding across the ground to slam head first into the wall.

He then turned towards the next group that had frozen when they saw the devastation he'd unleashed so easily. Cracking his neck, he worked out his shoulders as he drew his sword. "Alright," he spoke up calmly as the blade took shape. "Who's next?"

"Bla...blarg..." Ferdy moaned happily.

"Yeah," Caboose agreed in awe. "Tucker is super cool when he wants to be."

Texas carefully moved forward, keeping up her cloaking as she tried to get a clearer look. "Okay, seriously, how in the world did Tucker get to be this good?"

"They say the love of a good woman can have amazing effects on a man," a somewhat familiar voice spoke up from quite close to her. "And Tucker's got two." The voice paused. "...wow, Tucker is growing up. I was certain that would have had him screaming Bow Chicka Bow Wow."

Texas slowly turned to the invisible figure the voice came from as she recognized it. "I was going to ask how the Freelancer Program missed that natural talent...but I'm beginning to think it was deliberately hidden from them. Wasn't it, Flowers? Or should I say..."

"You should not," Captain Flowers interrupted. "It's best for everyone right now that 'Gary' and his secret partner remain ignorant of my continued survival."

"Is that why Church covered up your death?" Texas inquired calmly.

"Oh no, he was being honest when he said he was maintaining the timeline that had Maud meeting you, that was his objective," Flowers corrected. "However...I guess you could say I have my own objective in this, one that...isn't quite meshing with the goals of the Program...or, necessarily, with what you might want. Though I have the feeling our objectives are aligning over time."

"And just what are your objectives, exactly?" Texas pressed, her hand going from her gun to her sword.

"That is the question, isn't it?" Flowers asked calmly. "Let's just say that Maud isn't the only source of change in this, and...I have my orders. And they don't come from the Director, or the Counselor. I'll leave it up in the air if they ever did."

Texas glanced around, trying to spot the Freelancer...only to find no trace. "What are you talking about?"

"Which is stronger, Texas?" he asked calmly. "The force of Change...or of the Narrative? The flows of time part and meet...and a meeting is coming. Choices, Texas...or should I say...Allison? It's all about...choices."

Texas ground her teeth angrily. "I'm not Allison!" she snapped out angrily.

"No, you're not," Flowers confirmed. "And you weren't. But the question - the choice - awaits...will you be? But for now, I suggest you keep your eyes on the battle. Something's about to happen...and the outcome could change everything. Will it be you who acts to change things? Someone else? Or is there another force in play?"

Texas felt her gaze being directed towards Ferdy as the path cleared to a ship hidden inside the Temple. She felt the pressure building, a pivotal moment approaching...

"Whose choice is it, after all?" Flowers asked cryptically. "The Judges are watching."

Turning Point

Wyoming carefully watched as the unarmored Alien Elite made its way to the Banshee class aircraft. He was working on a long term project, and part of it here was ensuring that no one got that vehicle. However, if he destroyed it before the Elite reached it, it could conceivably repair the vehicle...or instruct the Sim Troopers how to. His contract with Omega was still rather vague, but the details he received from his 'partner' were frankly absurd. Admittedly, the Sim Trooper identified as Tucker proved to be effective - for a Sim Trooper - against the zealot troops guarding the facility...but they were zealots. A 'dippy-bird' drink topper with a button operated gun could take them out.

So he watched and waited, his rocket launcher braced on his shoulder as he stayed partially concealed. He watched calmly as the Banshee lifted into the air, seeing 'Tucker' waving happily at the Elite as it made a few passes, plainly showing off. Seeing its guard down, Wyoming fired.

"Ferdy, watch out!"

That scream caught Wyoming off guard. He saw it came from 'Tucker', and that the Sim Trooper had...leapt 30 feet in the air to catch the rocket before it could hit the Banshee? "How did he jump so high?" he murmured in surprise.

"Wyoming!" Texas voice snarled out as she dropped her cloak and took aim.

"What a surprise seeing you here, Texas!" Wyoming called back jovially while keeping his eyes on the Banshee, the rocket, and the Sim Trooper. "You are doing well, I ho-ly!" The change in his words was caused as the Elite twisted the Banshee into a side-on flight while Tucker swung out on the rocket, kicked off the bottom of the banshee, and turned it back towards Wyoming. "Well aren't you full of surpri-" Wyoming stopped and ducked as Tucker - hanging from the rocket by one hand - hauled out his assault rifle and opened fire with a spray to make Wyoming take cover. "-ses!" he finished jovially once he was certain none of the bullets would hit him.

"Surprise this, you Blurgath Shisno!"Tucker snapped as he released the rocket and slammed feet first into Wyoming's faceplate, knocking him back as much from surprise at his choice of insult as from the impact. After all, the Elite language was quite colorful and with deep meaning, and 'Blurgath' as a word - when used as an adjective - didn't translate into English in the singular, as it was a shorthand for a much direr insult. Roughly translated, it stated, 'I will enjoy hanging you off a cliff from a thorn bush by your own entrails to see if you bounce!' Quite colorful.

Wyoming straightened himself as Tucker leapt to his feet. "That's your only free hit, boy," he stated insultingly. "Enjoy it." He knew each of the Trooper's bios, and was deliberately trying to push his foe's buttons to make him reckless.

As expected, Tucker charged in recklessly. Much to Wyoming's surprise, he was better than anticipated. He wasn't quite at the level of a Freelancer, but Wyoming actually had to push himself to block and evade every incoming attack while landing his own blows, rather than completely dominating the Sim Trooper. "Well now, someone's been eating his Wheaties-GYAH!" His taunt was cut off as sharp pain shot through his left shoulder after ducking under the last punch. "What in-" Turning, he saw a rather large knife driven through the armor and into the flesh, blood leaking out. "How? You don't have any knives on you!"

Tucker chuckled as he flicked several knives between his fingers, only for them to seem to vanish. "Last picnic we had a talent show," he gloated. "I showed off sleight-of-hand, and the hand is quicker than the eye!" He lunged in again.

Wyoming backed away carefully, keeping his eyes on Tucker's hands to ensure another strike like that wasn't missed...only to grunt in agony as he felt a sharp pain in his crotch.

Tucker pulled back his knee strike, the knife he'd hidden under that armor plate specifically for the strike left behind. "So you should have been watching my legs."

"Indeed I...should have..." Wyoming grunted out as he braced himself. "I'll remember that...for next time."

Tucker brought out the Alien Key sword. "There won't be a next time," he growled out. "You tried to kill-"

"-Ferdy-what?" Tucker began as he came in on the rocket, so caught off guard he held on just a little too long.

Spinning under the too high strike, Wyoming fired off a specially prepared round. The load of paint slammed into the back of Tucker's helmet, and his armor locked up as the rocket slammed into the side of the cliff, the explosion blasting him back. "And that's that," Wyoming began as he turned face first into Texas' sniper round-

-as he ducked to the side into Texas' sniper round-

-as he ducked to the other side into Texas' sniper round-

-as he ducked behind cover straight into Texas' armor-piercing sniper round just as it finished punching through several feet of solid rock-

-as he just barely deflected Texas' sniper round with his own weapon by holding it at an oblique angle, losing feeling in his hand in the process. "What the hell happened to my trump card?" he demanded angrily as he turned and ran, limping along. Phantom pain from the injuries Tucker had inflicted - and the several shots to the head - remained, and made running somewhat difficult and painful.

Texas cursed under her breath as she lowered her sniper rifle. While she hadn't expected it when her sensors gave her the update 'Save State abuse detected, externalizing quantum sensors', once she understood what it meant she took advantage of it. Wyoming's unique tech let him hop slightly backwards along his own timeline to evade a negative outcome, and she knew enough about how he thought to know where he'd dodge to. Her own reaction time when she disabled her body's limiters was fast enough to take advantage of every shift to hit him with the right shot...but he'd managed to get out of range this time. The AP rounds wouldn't go through that much solid rock to hit him.

Ferdy quickly brought the Banshee in for a landing, Tucker cradled in her arms. He was locked up, and she was whimpering and 'Blargh'ing over him in frenetic worry. "It's just training paint-" Texas began as she approached, only to let out a startled oath from the update her scanners gave her.

Virus detected in paint load. Analyzing...
Alert: Virus has disabled suit's life support system.
Alert: Link to Key has quantumly externalized Tucker's perceptions. Subject has been running on oxygen deficit linearly since first paralysis through four loaded states. Remaining oxygen unknown.

"He's running out of air!" Texas called out worriedly. "We need to get his suit's life support reactivated somehow!" Her thoughts raced as she tried to come up with a possible solution. "Caboose! Do something!"

"What should I do, Mom?" Caboose asked urgently.

"Anything!"

Caboose promptly kicked Tucker in the nuts. Tucker convulsed as he clutched at his crotch. "Dammit Caboose, why?!" he demanded angrily.

"I think 'how' is the more important question..." Texas murmured in confusion as her sensors indicated the virus had been neutralized, as had the lock up.

"Tucker always bends over and makes funny noises when he gets hit in the nuts, just like Picture-Man!" Caboose declared happily. "We needed his suit to move so he could breathe, so I kicked him in the nuts!"

"Picture...Man?" Texas inquired curiously.

"You know, Gif!"

"Oh...Grif..." Texas shook her head in frustration. Maud had said Caboose's magic manifested oddly...

Tucker had plainly put the situation from his mind, focusing on reassuring Ferdy that he was okay, and reassuring himself that she was.

Flowers watched calmly from his place, still concealed. "Hmm...it seems the Narrative has shifted," he observed calmly. "Things should be...interesting..."

Divided Forces

Once she was certain that everyone was physically sound, Texas spoke up. "Someone needs to keep an eye on Wyoming and figure out what he's up to," she stated firmly. "Tucker, Caboose, Ferdy, you guys head back to base and let everyone know what's happened...and be certain to tell Church that another Freelancer is involved. I want everyone on their guard."

"Blar-blagh blarga!" Ferdy offered helpfully.

"Oh, that's really sweet of you," Tucker responded warmly. "But are you sure it can carry all of us?"

"Blargh!" Ferdy confirmed, giving a gesture that somewhat resembled the human thumbs-up gesture, but looked quite odd given the shape of her hand...claw...gripper...thing.

"Well, that solves that," Texas stated firmly as she activated her cloak. "Get a move on, and don't wait for me." With that, she turned and headed off.

Ferdy, meanwhile, strapped Caboose and Andy to the outside of the Banshee flier, positioned Tucker between herself and the controls, and set the ship to lift off. Caboose squealed happily about how he was flying, while Tucker gave Ferdy directions to the base.

"Are you sure you don't need to get back to your people?" Tucker asked worriedly as the course was set.

"Blar!" Ferdy responded firmly. "Bla-blargl blah...blargle."

"Oh, I guess it wouldn't be 'friendship' to leave us hanging after dragging us along," Tucker allowed, trying - and failing - to hide his relief that they wouldn't be separated. "Guess this means I can show you around Blood Gulch. It's pretty fun there, though rather quiet."

"Blarblagar, blah blargle."

"Well, Maud certainly always liked-wait, our WHAT?"

Church sighed and rubbed his head as he stared across the Gulch, letting the enhanced sensors of his new body track the antics of the Reds. With Omega and Lopez still unaccounted for and any purpose behind heading for the fortress by the beach gone, Sarge had decided it was time to get back to the usual business...arranging the appropriate level of 'superior Love and Snuggles' with which to hire Maud to the Red Team. Church had pointed out that their last attempt had killed Maud's Mother - sort of - but had been brushed off on the evidence that Texas plainly wasn't dead anymore. Sarge's exact words had been, "Screw that noise, she got better! So now it's time to finish hiring away the adorable equine engine of destruction so the Reds can finally decimate the Blue menace once and for all!"

Church had been sorely tempted to pass on what Captain Flowers had told him about the Red and Blue conflict being orchestrated only to give Freelancer Agents - like Texas - real troops to train against. However, doing so would mean either being brushed off as a 'lying sack of blue shiitake mushrooms' or revealing that Flowers was a Freelancer, neither outcome he was really enthusiastic for.

As a result, he was left watching as Sarge beat out a rhythm on a drum to set time for Grif, Simmons, and Donut. They sat around a massive plush effigy of Maud, and at every beat of the drum they declared 'stroke' in unison and brushed the long mane and tail. This was, apparently, supposed to supercharge the plush effigy with concentrated 'love and snuggles', which they would then present to Maud as payment. ...Church wasn't certain whose idea it was, but it was hilarious and keeping the Reds out of trouble, so he was happy to let it happen...even if it was surreal to watch, even for what he'd already experienced.

Noticing Maud approaching, he turned his attention to her. "How are you doing, sweetie?" he asked affectionately.

"Stop that," Maud chided gently. "It doesn't suit either of us."

"Sorry, don't know where that came from," Church apologized awkwardly. "Dunno why, but ever since we went body hopping to hunt down Omega, parenting hasn't been coming as naturally to me. Guess I've been trying to overcompensate."

"Don't," Maud instructed firmly. "Just be you. That's who Dad is."

"I'll keep that in mind," Church agreed thoughtfully. "So how are you doing, Maud?"

"Mom's going to be gone longer than she said," Maud offered morosely, though it only barely showed in her voice. "Her transponder shows her going in a different direction than Caboose and the others."

"Transponder?" Church asked in surprise. "You can track her-I mean, us?"

"I can track everyone," Maud explained calmly. "Ferdy taught me how."

"Who?"

"The alien. She goes by Ferdy now."

"That thing's female?" Church asked in shock.

"Don't call her a thing, Tucker's got a thing for her."

Church stared at Maud silently. "I...I honestly have no idea how to respond to that." He let that turn over in his mind for a time, then pushed it aside. "So...transponders?"

"Not really. I just say that because the terms to explain how I really do it don't exist in our language, and if I used the closest approximations someone's brain would explode."

"So...psychic transponders, then?" Church offered helpfully.

"...let's go with that."

"So Texas is off on her own, the others are on their way back, and the Reds are...now performing a song and dance of the Cuppycake song while snuggling strands of the giant stuffed pony's mane and twirling around it. I honestly don't know whether to compare their behavior to Lord of the Flies, Disney, Mel Brooks, or Lovecraft." He shook his head ruefully. "Somehow I doubt any of those would explain their behavior."

"Go with Lovecraft, at least Cthulhu's supposed to be part-dragon," Maud observed.

"And...how is that supposed to make sense?"

"To someone else."

Church stared blankly into the distance, trying to make sense of what Maud had just said. Eventually, he found there was only one way he could respond. "...can you take care of yourself until the others get here? I think I need to check with Simmons to find out if this body he made me can process alcohol, and if it can I need to hit Grif up for some Mine Booze."

"I can, it can't, but it has a simulator built in," Maud observed thoughtfully.

"Of course it does..."

Dynamic Return

Before Church could find the 'getting drunk simulator program' in his new body, however, the Banshee flying vehicle came in for a landing, the sound of its engines almost - but not quite - drowning out the sound of a heated discussion.

"Bla blargle!"

"I didn't say I didn't want something like that!" Tucker snapped out. "I said I wasn't ready for it! Heck, I was specifically the 'irresponsible Uncle' to Maud. I'm not cut out for parenthood!"

"Blagurle-"

"I'm sure I could adapt as a Father, but a little warning about also being a mother would have been nice!"

"...grblag?"

"No, human men don't carry the children! There's fairly strong sexual dimorphism in our species-"

"Blagalag!"

"...yeah, it probably isn't all that fair, but it's how we're designed, and it would have been nice to know before it happened that it wouldn't be the case with us! I mean, where's it even going to come out? I'm freaking out here and I haven't even started on mood swings!"

"...glab?"

"...you don't have those with your species?"

"Glurgle."

"...yeah, that's a valid point. You probably have more control of your hormones than I am and I can't believe I'm already calm about being pregnant!"

"...this has been a very awkward flight, Dad," Caboose commented dryly.

"...I can see that," Church allowed as calmly as he could manage. "Tucker! Atten-hut!"

"Oh get be-"

"Ahem," Maud interrupted calmly.

Tucker glanced at Maud, then turned back to Church. "I'm not saluting," he stated firmly.

"Didn't really expect it," Church allowed. "I just wanted to stop the discussion before it turned into an argument or traumatized anyone."

"Before it traumatized anyone?" Tucker demanded, outraged. "In case you missed it-"

"Do you love her?" Church interrupted, gesturing to where Ferdy seemed to be slumping in on herself.

"Wha-of course I do!" Tucker snapped out. "How could you even ask-"

"One, it's you," Church pointed out. "Two, you aren't acting like it."

Tucker pulled upright in shock. "...but-"

"Which would you rather do, Tucker?" Church pressed calmly. "Enjoy the future coming sooner than expected, or bemoan the consequences until you lose what makes that future worthwhile, leaving you a crushed, empty husk of who you used to be desperately trying to recreate what you lost only to endlessly fail and be constantly confronted with the shadows of your failure until it drives you insane?" Church hesitated. "...where did that come from?"

Tucker stared at him for a while. "...I'm not sure, but I get your point." He turned to Ferdy. "I'm sorry I got so bent out of shape and yelled at you over this. It...caught me off guard, and..."

Ferdy placed a hand/paw/claw to the side of his helmet. "Blah gurgle blagle..."

"It's alright," Tucker allowed. "You didn't know I didn't know. We'll just figure out how to deal with it...together."

"Gosh fraggit!" Andy snapped as the pair embraced. "I was enjoying that drama explosion! Why'd you have to go and stop it like that?"

"Because Maud you, that's why," Church quipped playfully.

"So I'm a curse now?" Maud asked curiously.

"Only to anyone you consider an enemy," Church corrected, leaning over to tousle her mane.

"So...how long is it going to be?" Tucker asked Ferdy in as calm a tone as he could manage.

Ferdy made an odd gurgling sound as she brought her hands/paws/claws together to stroke her chin/beak, plainly making some calculations. "Blgragle gla...bagugla...glurg...Blargh!"

"That...is quite a large margin of error," Tucker allowed.

"Blgurgle blag. Blagl gar."

"That's...that's good to know," Tucker responded worriedly. "I suppose-" His words suddenly cut off. "Excuse me!" He turned and dashed into the base, where the sound of retching could shortly be heard.

"Blarg!" Ferdy declared happily as her coloring shifted back and forth to signify her shifting her internals somewhat. "Blagurgle blagh!"

"That's good to-urk-know!" Tucker called back miserably.

"Do I...want to know?" Church asked Andy curiously.

"Just that Tucker's going to have a very interesting week," Andy purred wickedly. "This is going to be fun to watch."

Author's Note

Sorry for the short chapter, I wanted to continue this story but honestly just ran out of things to have happen at this point, and didn't want to just leave it like this and forget about it.

Buck That Noise

As Twerp and Mob were put down for a nap after a huge feeding - and Tucker relaxed as much as possible so as to avoid slipping into a coma - a sudden crash nearly jostled everyone awake. "Blarg!" Ferdy demanded angrily, her claw-like grippers shifting to be even sharper and more claw like, plainly ready to tear whoever caused that crash to pieces if they awoke the infants.

"My bad!" Sarge called out apologetically from the distance. "I ordered a ship! Didn't expect it to get here so fast!"

"And...why did you order a ship?" Church asked, once more in human form and back in his armor. It had taken him a bit to get all the water out after he and Texas somehow got doused in a bucket of water, only for Texas to chase after something he couldn't see while snarling in rage.

"Because we're trying to bribe Maud with Love and Snuggles!" Sarge insisted logically, if it could be called that. He calmly turned to walk towards the craft, moving towards the back to investigate the interior.

Church stared after him for a time, then turned to Simmons and Grif. "...why?" he asked in confusion.

"He already explained it to us once, and it still doesn't make sense," Grif allowed ruefully.

"And that explanation was?" Church pressed.

"He said that according to his research, a 'ship' always contained enormous amounts of love, snuggles, cuteness, and other such things that could be used to bribe Maud to work for us instead of you guys," Simmons allowed uncertainly. "Though for some reason he asked Command for a 'Size T or lower', whatever that meant, as anything bigger would have been 'USFM'. I honestly have no idea what he was talking about, and neither did command-"

"What balderdash!" Sarge suddenly declared from the ship's cargo bay entrance. "This ship is empty! Inconceivable! Fanfiction has lied to me! Lied!"

"And now it makes sense," Grif groaned ruefully. "I wondered just what sort of 'research' he'd done..."

"Well, now we have a ship," Church observed thoughtfully.

"Uh, correction," Simmons pointed out. "We have a ship. Just because Sarge was being Sarge about it doesn't make it any less true that it was ordered by - and for - Red troops."

"Dibs," Maud suddenly spoke up from atop the ship.

"Or it's a Freelancer ship because nobody's going to try and take it away from Maud without her permission," Church pointed out logically.

"Did someone just call dibs on my ship?" Sarge demanded as he stepped out. "Outrageous! I already set foot in it so-"

"Dibs," Maud interrupted calmly, glancing down at Sarge from atop the ship.

"I hope you'll forgive the trespass," Sarge apologized sincerely. "I don't know what came over me trespassing on your property, Maud. Please forgive me?"

"Okay," Maud allowed readily.

"I have achieved equine forgiveness!" Sarge declared as he raced off towards Red Base, firing into the air in excitement. "Victory is assured! Suck lead, Blues, I have become favorite!"

"Wait, did I hear someone say something about horses?" a feminine voice called out from inside the ship.

"There's someone inside...and Sarge missed that," Church observed dryly. "Somehow, I feel like I should be surprised, but I'm not."

"Wait, I know that voice..." Grif spoke up in shock. "Kaikaina?"

A figure in yellow armor rushed out of the ship. "Dexter?" the figure demanded in surprise. "Is that you, big bro? What the fu-"

"LANGUAGE!" Sarge roared from the distance.

"-are you doing here?" the woman continued, ignoring the shout save for its effect in censoring her speech.

"Go home, sis," Grif responded firmly.

"Fu-"

"LANGUAGE!"

"-that!" Kaikaina countered firmly. "You don't think I joined the army and rode a spaceship all the way out here just to turn around because you are getting overprotective again. I'm here to fu-"

"LANGUAGE!"

"-some sh-"

"LANGUAGE!"

"-up! Now who's the wanna be Captain acting like my grandma?"

"That would be Sarge," Simmons explained calmly. "And he's calling you on swearing because there are three underage individuals here, one of them being an adorable equine engine of destruction he believes to be the focus of the conflict of this canyon, and he doesn't welcome swearing in front of kids."

Kaikaina gave Simmons a 'look' that was somehow visible through the helmet. "You're fu-"

"LANGUAGE!"

"-ing sh-"

"LANGUAGE!"

"-ing me! There is no way there's some sort of talking walking pony disaster here that I have to worry about cursing in front of!"

"Hi," Maud stated calmly from the top of the ship. "My name is Maud."

Kaikaina turned to look up at Maud. "...well you're fu-"

"LANGUAGE!"

"-ing adorable. Good for you! Now why in seven he-"

"LANGUAGE!"

"-would he think you're the focus of this conflict?"

Maud calmly hopped down from the top of the ship before hefting it up in one hoof. "I'm going to go park this somewhere safer," she stated calmly.

Kaikaina stared, stunned. "Well fu-"

"LANGUAGE!"

"-me sideways with a dozen di-"

"LANGUAGE!"

Kaikaina spun towards Sarge. "I WILL SAY WHATEVER THE HELL I FUCKING WANT AND YOU WON'T STOP ME!" she snarled angrily.

"Not when the pony or the baby aliens are near enough to hear you won't!" Sarge snapped as he approached. "Nobody teaches the babies bad words on my watch! It's just not kosher, you hear?"

"But I just swore in front of-" Turning, Kaikaina saw that Maud and the ship were both gone. "...fuck me..."

"Please stop saying that, Sister," Grif groaned irritably. "Tucker might actually take you up on it."

"If he's any good in bed, I wouldn't mind," Sister responded readily. "I've been on that ship for months, and I couldn't take my armor off because of some atmospheric issues. Do you know how long it's been since I last-"

"And just like that, I've heard too much," Simmons groaned as he clutched his head. "If you guys need me, I'll be tending the singing, blood drinking plant monstrosity in my garden and hoping it gets off rap for five seconds."

It's a What?

Captain Flowers stared through a pair of binoculars at Red Base across the canyon. Much as he expected, nothing was happening there. That was the plan, of course. The personalities of both Teams in Blood Gulch had been carefully selected to ensure a permanent stalemate with no one getting killed, because this Simulation wasn't about learning anything. Something was hidden here, something that needed to be kept safe. That was Captain Flowers real job, and he did it by keeping everything as vague as possible.

The Red Team Sergeant was so focused on a twisted ideal of military behavior that it was practically counter-productive all on its own. Combine that with a brown-noser second in command who was better with computers than guns - when the Sergeant would be lucky to use a computer as anything but a blunt instrument - and a lazy trooper who was constantly shirking duty, and Red Team spent more time on 'punishment drills' than actually trying to do anything to Blue Team. Captain Flowers, meanwhile, led Blue Team in such a way to ensure no one ever tried to fight. Private Tucker seemed perfectly fine with this, as he preferred to laze about reveling in his perceived greatness even as he kept himself in shape. Private Church, on the other hand, was a good soldier who obeyed orders...and that was all he was ever supposed to be. That's why Blood Gulch existed in the first place.

Still, as relaxed as Captain Flowers acted, he wouldn't have been selected for this assignment if he were the sort to take it easy on something so important. As such, he was keeping careful track of every soldier in the Canyon, both with his direct uplink to VIC at 'Command' for GPS location - which activated for a predetermined amount of time based on a voice-recognition command - and with visual confirmation through the binoculars. "Let's see where everyone is today," he murmured softly as he swept over the canyon. "Sarge is...yelling at Simmons for losing track of Grif. Grif is...at the top of the cliff with more than half of Red Base's rations. That ought to hold them all a few hours, depending on how long Grif's able to sleep after eating without snoring. Let's see about my men."

He swept the binoculars back towards his own base. "Tucker is...looking at pictures of naked women. Oh that rascal...huh, I think I know that one." Deciding that didn't really matter at the moment, he searched for his primary charge. "And Church is..." He fell silent as he caught sight of Church, near the center of the canyon...too close to the area the Red Team considered theirs for his comfort. "Okay, that is not good...and what is that he's playing with?" He lifted his hand to his radio, the aqua of his armor glittering slightly in the day's light as it passed his visor. "Private Church, what are you doing so far from Blue Base? Did you go for a walk and get lost? You really should get back here. It'd be just terrible if anything happened to you..."

Private Church knelt in his cobalt armor, carefully examining the small creature he'd come across. He'd felt something odd somewhere in his mind, a sensation he couldn't accurately describe, that had compelled him out here this day. He'd wanted to talk with Captain Flowers about the odd feeling, but he'd found himself following it instead. And then he'd seen this odd creature sitting there as though waiting for him, and any other thought had left his mind.

The creature was about the size of a large kitten or a small house cat, but was definitely equine in shape. It had a stone grey coat, a pale purple mane and tail, and the biggest pale blue-green eyes he had ever seen on a living creature...relative to the size of its head anyway, which seemed large for its body. It was looking straight at him with those eyes, its mouth in a very neutral expression as ~~it~~ she took in his appearance.

She? How did he know the creature was female? ...still, somehow he did know that, and the tiny filly seemed to be waiting for him to do something. Setting his gun down, he held out a hand for her to sniff, hoping the scent of armor wouldn't upset her.

The little filly leaned forward and examined his hand carefully...then reached between his fingers and seized a rock that had gotten stuck between the joints that he'd barely noticed. Sitting back on her haunches, she dropped the rock into her fore hooves, carefully examining it in wide eyed fascination.

"So you like rocks, huh?" Church asked in a friendly tone. To his surprise, the filly looked up at him and nodded. "You understand what I'm saying?" Another nod. "Wow. That's just...amazing," he marveled. "I've never seen anything like you before!"

The little filly nodded firmly.

Church turned that over in his mind a few times, then burst into laughter. "Well, whatever you are, you've got a good head on your shoulders. I'm Church. What's your name?" He wondered if she'd even be able to answer, since she hadn't spoken at all yet-

"Maud," the tiny filly responded in a very quiet voice, slightly high pitched but with a flat monotone.

"Maud, huh?" Church marveled. "Well, you speak the language, and you know your name. Wonder how much you've taken in? Can you say Church?" He pointed to himself.

"Dad," Maud replied firmly.

Church waved his arms defensively. "Hey now, I'm just a private! I'm not ready to be a parent, and this place is the absolute worst for kids-"

Maud threw herself forward, wrapping all four legs around Church's right arm. "Dad," she repeated firmly as she nuzzled his elbow.

"Oh what the hell?" Church groaned in frustration.

"Hell," Maud repeated dutifully.

"...yeah, I'm definitely not cut out for being a parent," Church concluded. Right at that moment, his communicator sparked with Captain Flowers message. He immediately opened communications. "Sorry Captain! I didn't realize how far I'd gone. I just...felt I had to come out here."

"Oh?" Captain Flowers asked in surprise. "And what did you find following that feeling?"

"A tiny pony," Church replied firmly.

Captain Flowers was silent for a time, surprising Church. He hadn't thought the easygoing Captain could be rendered speechless. "Say again, Private Church?" Flowers pressed. "You found...what?"

"A tiny pony," Church repeated. "She says her name is Maud, and seems to think I'm her father. ...kinda cute, I have to admit, but really freaking me out now."

"You found an unknown alien sapient in the middle of Blood Gulch?" Flowers clarified. "Hmm...doesn't sound familiar..."

"Familiar?" Church asked, confused.

"Never mind, Church," Captain Flowers responded warmly. "Why don't you and your little pony get back here to Blue Base before someone at Red Team decides she makes good target practice?"

Church's hand immediately, instinctively, went for his gun. He was only snapped out of firing on Red Base - and anything red he could see - because that was the arm Maud was clinging to and she protested the sudden movement by gripping the arm so tightly the armor shrieked in protest even as it warped. What was it about a little girl calling him 'Dad' that had caused him to get so fiercely protective? He wasn't a parent, so why did he have such strong parenting instincts? Questions for Captain Flowers, certainly. "Be right there, Captain," he stated over the communicator. "Come on, Maud. Let's go home."

"...home," Maud murmured thoughtfully before climbing up Church's body before settling on his head.

Church carefully moved his arm, wincing at the protests of the armor. "And Captain, I'm going to need a replacement arm for my armor. Maud kind of crushed it."

"...she did what now?"

Most Valuable Pony

Flowers waited by the Red base for Church to arrive. There was a lot to talk with him about in regards to what happened, and Flowers was almost afraid of what the result would be, considering his orders.

One of the things he'd made sure Doc did when replacing Church's arm with a cybernetic prosthetic was implanting a recorder/transmitter linked to a device Flowers kept on him at all times, designed to erase its program and data if Flowers armor ever stopped reporting vital signs. On the way to the Red Base, Flowers had examined the readout regarding the training match...and what it showed had been distressing. Somehow, Church had overclocked his brain and body in a way that was only possible for a body controlled by an AI...specifically, by an AI that was aware of its situation.

Captain Flowers orders were clear. He was to protect the Alpha only so long as it remained ignorant of its true nature. If Church ever remembered the Freelancer Program, his true nature as an AI, or anything along those lines, Agent Florida was supposed to terminate him immediately and recover the AI chip for alternative storage and protection...and that was assuming the Alpha AI stayed within the chip. But Maud complicated the situation, as did Church's bond to her. Flowers had no doubt that if Church thought his Captain was a threat to Maud, Flowers seconds would be numbered. It didn't matter that Private Jimmy was a barely fit Sim Trooper and Freelancers were the peak of physical capability with the best armor. The human body could be pushed insanely beyond its limits with the right impetus, and only the awareness of damage to one's body held that back...and as shown by the confrontation with Sarge, Church could subconsciously turn that awareness off if he felt it was necessary to protect Maud. The only Freelancer that might be able to take Church down in that state would be the former Agent Maine, and that only because his situation was even worse in its own way.

He did his best to push all this from his mind as Church approached. "You did an amazing job today, Private!" he offered as he fell into step beside the man.

"Y-yeah," Church offered, his tone showing he was still in as much awe of his achievement as before. "I don't know what happened. One moment I couldn't hit the broad side of a barn no matter how hard I tried, the next...the next it was impossible to miss."

"Start at the beginning," Flowers instructed as he let his step slow so he was behind Church, just in case he needed to pull the trigger. "When you broke communications."

"Oh, that's because Maud appeared behind me," Church explained. "Kinda like how she's behind you right now."

Flowers struggled not to tense up as he turned his head, seeing where Maud sat against the wall just behind them, watching curiously. "I...see. And then?"

"Well, I spotted Grif and tried to hit him," Church continued. "But I couldn't. Then Maud told me to stop trying and just do it. And then...she said if I failed, they'd get her." Church fell silent, his step slowing.

"...Church?" Flowers asked carefully.

"I just...kept hearing that in my head over and over again," Church continued. "It...I was going to lose her, and it was my fault..." He came to a complete stop. "Then it happened."

"It?" Flowers asked curiously.

"The world seemed to...stop when I breathed in," Church explained. "Like...like I reached some new level of focus. I could see where everyone was and exactly what they were about to do. My...my thoughts moved so fast...it was all so easy. And..." He hesitated, releasing the sniper rifle in his arms with his organic arm, shaking it out. "And my arm hurts a lot now."

Making it move faster than humanly possible will do that, Flowers thought to himself. "Well, I have to say that is quite impressive," he offered aloud. "But I think we should take you off sniper duty for now. Next week we'll see what you can do in melee range."

"But if I did so well-" Church began.

"Need to be a well rounded soldier, Church," Flowers insisted. "What would you do if a genuine threat got too close for you to snipe at?" Church had no response. "Exactly. So let's get you skilled with other weapons. For now, let's take the flag."

"Right!" Church confirmed as he grabbed the Red flag. "Let's go. Come on, Maud."

Maud clambered up Church's leg and back until she was able to grasp the back of his head, riding on his shoulders. Flowers shook his head at the sight. Well, more evidence for my theory, he thought to himself as they headed out.

It didn't take long for the trio to make it back out of Red Base, walking past where Sarge was still flat on his back with his helmet covered in the training paint, leaving him immobilized due to how it interacted with his suit's systems. Church stared at his handiwork as they walked past. "Uh...is he going to get up?" he asked worriedly.

"As long as he realizes when the paint breaks off," Flowers responded immediately. "It'll crumble off on its own once the charge runs out, and then his suit will fully reactivate. Right now, life support is functional, but nothing else."

"So he's not gonna be hurt," Church concluded. "That's...good. ...right?"

"Of course it is!" Flowers confirmed enthusiastically. "That's the agreement, right?"

"Right, right," Church allowed as they kept walking, passing by where Tucker was still trying to waddle along with Simmons' face plate fused to his crotch. Church couldn't help but chuckle at the sight.

"So this paint isn't permanent, right?" Tucker demanded desperately. "You can get rid of it, right?"

Flowers hesitated. While there was a way to make the paint dissolve before the charge ran out - specifically in case of medical emergency, like what happened when Tex was in the training room and her opponents switched to live ammunition - Tucker had made that comment about Maud... "Sorry, Tucker," he offered jovially. "You'll just have to wait until it dissolves off...or go find Doc. He might know some way around it for medical reasons."

As Church chuckled and kept walking, Tucker growled angrily. "I'll get you for this, Church..."

A State of Confusion

Texas held Maud firmly yet gently in her hands, one hand supporting her under her barrel while the other gently gripped her tail. Maud supported the grip by wrapping her hind legs around Texas' arm and her forelegs around her hand. While Texas was a little concerned about how comfortable or supportive this was for Maud - much to her own surprise - Maud seemed perfectly happy with the position. She decided to distract herself by trying to get answers. "So, Caboose..."

"Yes, Mommy?" Caboose asked excitedly.

Texas felt herself tense...and felt Maud's hind legs tighten in response. "Okay," Texas began carefully, "first directive is that you only call me that if it's just the three of us, understand? If anyone else is present, you call me Agent Texas. Understand?"

"Not really, but I can do that!" Caboose agreed eagerly.

Texas decided she would take what she could get without finding out if Maud's boasts of her strength were idle or not. "What can you tell me about the situation here? Other than taking care of Maud, what's the objective?"

Caboose was silent for a few moments. "Hmm..."

"Mom wants to know what we do here," Maud translated.

"Oh!" Caboose declared happily. "Well, by the time I got here, Blues and Reds only fought once a month to decide which base Maud would stay at. Once a week the other three, there were cookouts between the two bases. I don't really understand why."

"How can you fight once a month and no one's dead?" Texas demanded. Remembering why she was called in, she clarified, "Well, no one else."

"We use training rounds!" Caboose declared happily. "They cover us in sticky paint so we can't move! It's kinda fun being locked up like a statue."

"How did you get the training rounds?" Texas demanded incisively. Those were definitely the ones used in the training room for Freelancers, and those weren't issued to Sim Troopers.

"Captain Flowers ordered them for both teams, but told Sarge that Doc did," Maud clarified.

Texas frowned as she heard that name. Something about it was familiar... She decided to push past that until later. "Why would the Red Team agree to that?"

"Sarge is convinced I'm a super weapon and the entire purpose of the conflict in this canyon is to gain control of me," Maud explained flatly.

"Given what I've seen, I can't fault him for that deduction," Texas allowed, "but I'm surprised he hasn't gotten any orders to the contrary." I'm also surprised Freelancer command hasn't sent anyone else, she thought to herself.

"He called into Red Command once," Maud allowed. "They just told him to keep up the good work."

Texas frowned thoughtfully at that. That did not sound like how Sim Troopers were normally handled. Something fishy was going on here... She would have to investigate when she could. For now, she needed to know what she was expected to do, and for that she needed to know what all was going on. "The message I got said you were undermanned?" she pressed. "How many Blues to how many Reds...not counting Maud, since she's apparently the focus of the conflict.

"Two Blues, Four Reds," Caboose answered readily. "But we've got a tank! ...though that didn't work so well. I tried to make the tank work, and Sheila was nice and helpful...but then I killed Dad..." Caboose hung his head, sniffling sadly as he walked.

"Friendly fire happens sometimes," Texas offered firmly. "Just get past it. Am I going to be fighting with the Blues during the once a month battles?"

"I dunno," Caboose allowed. "Pretty sure Tucker's in charge now, unless Maud is. Guess Tucker will talk it over with Sarge."

Reds and Blues talking things out before fighting things out, Texas thought silently. How...strange... "Then lead the way-"

"Caboose!" A red armored soldier ran up towards the group. "You're going to miss-oh, new person?"

"Hey Cinnamon!" Caboose greeted warmly.

The addressed soldier winced. "That's Simmons," he corrected morosely, in the tone of one who fully expected the nearby pony would latch onto it as a hilarious nickname he would never escape and be taunted with for the rest of his military career.

"Oh, okay," Caboose allowed uncertainly. "This is Maud and my New Mommy, Agent Texas! But I'm not supposed to call her Mommy if other people are around, so I have to call her Texas now!"

Texas turned to point Maud towards Caboose, only for Maud's tail to wrap around her hand in a stranglehold that left her feeling the metal of her armor starting to bend. Texas frowned down at Maud. "Can I at least swat him upside the back of the head for that?" she demanded angrily.

"No," Maud stated flatly.

Texas promptly kicked Caboose in the shin.

"My ovaries!" Caboose cried out as he collapsed to the ground.

Simmons stared at Caboose in confusion. "...sometimes I can't tell if he's really that stupid and childish, or if he just acts that way because it makes Maud happy and gets the rest of us to underestimate him," he observed mildly. He then turned back to Texas. "So you're Agent Texas, then. Maud's Mom. Tucker said he called you in to take care of her."

"Right," Texas replied slowly. "And...where can I find this...Tucker?"

"Oh, he's sparring with Grif right now!" Simmons stated eagerly. "That's why I came to get Maud and Caboose! You definitely don't want to miss this!" Turning, he raced back in the other direction. Curiously, Texas followed.

It didn't take long for the group to reach the other soldiers, only to find one in familiar aqua armor fighting another in orange armor. At present, they were both rapidly exchanging punches and kicks that failed to hit their targets. The aqua armored soldier evaded or deflected incoming strikes, while the orange armored one blocked them.

"The aqua armored one..." Texas began as she addressed Maud.

"That's Uncle Tucker," Maud responded readily. "The armor used to be Captain Flowers'."

Well that answers that, Texas thought to herself. That's Agent Florida's armor. So this is a long-running Freelancer project...which means 'Dad' really is-

Her thoughts were cut off as the orange soldier - Grif, presumably - caught an incoming kick from Tucker and flipped him over his shoulder. Tucker spun through the air, pulling his gun out as he landed on his feet and was already opening fire as he landed. Grif pulled out a metal pole and caught each paint round on one end as he spun it until the paint formed a large club-end around the pole. Rushing forward, he brought the makeshift club down towards Tucker, only for the aqua soldier to leap into the air in a flip, coming down on the pole as it impacted into the ground, bringing his gun up towards Grif's face. Grif, for his part, was already bringing one fist up in an uppercut, sending the barrel towards Tucker's face and forcing him to backflip as the gun went off to keep from shooting himself in the face. As Tucker came down on his feet, Grif had forced the pole deeper into the ground and spun around it to launch himself in a flying kick at Tucker, who rolled all the way onto his back to go under it...only to have his gun knocked out of his hands by Grif's fist as he spun to land on his feet and prevent getting shot on his way by.

"So did anyone else in your family take up pole dancing?" Tucker called out tauntingly as he flipped to his feet. "Bow-chicka-bow-wow!"

"Figured shoving one in your mouth was the only time it would stay shut," Grif taunted back as he landed in a combat stance. "Bow-chicka-"

"Get your own catchphrase!" Tucker snapped as he charged in for further combat.

Texas could only stare in shock at the display. While not quite as fast paced as the fights she was used to, it was still quite impressive for relatively untrained combatants... So how were these idiots not in the Freelancer Program instead of being stuck as Sim Troopers?

A Jump to the Left

Tucker groaned as he slowly sat up. "What...happened...?" he managed to stammer out as he shaded his eyes against the bright sun reflecting off the ocean. "...where are we?" He managed to recall what Omega had been babbling about, somewhat. "Or...should I be saying when?"

"No, Church absorbed all the temporal energy when he leapt to shield Maud from the bomb," Simmons explained, his voice...somehow feminine. "The rest of us just got blasted through space, and the mixture of magics in Church's pony-bot body resulted in us all being hit by the effects of quantum warp, which is why we all look different and have different equipment...except for Maud. She just absorbed the warping energy, but she's super pissed that both Church and Texas are somewhere else - well, pretty sure Church is somewhen else, actually - so we're all steering clear of her for a bit until Grif's managed to calm her down. He apparently has experience dealing with irrationally emotional younger sisters."

Tucker stared at Simmons for a time. "You sound...different."

"Oh, that's because I'm completely sloshed and my inner mad scientist is in charge!" Simmons answered excitedly. "Side effect of being quantum warped. It should wear off in an hour or so, and in the meantime I've been upgrading everyone's armor and weapons, which is why that looks different too."

"I still don't get why I don't get a laser gun," Grif pouted off to the side.

"For the last time, Grif, the handheld hyper-rail cannon is 50 times more destructive, 30 times more energy efficient, and you can load it with any pebble you find on the beach!" Simmons snapped back.

"...it's still just a glorified slingshot," Grif countered irritably. "Nowhere near as cool."

"If you want cool, use the lightning flail with cryogenic modifications!" Simmons countered. "It only has a 30% chance of electrocuting you on use, and only a 15% chance of freezing you solid to the point you shatter explosively...and I could put you back together!"

"...I'll stick with my slingshot, thanks all the same."

"Weren't you supposed to be keeping Maud calm?" Tucker demanded irritably of Grif as he stood up.

"Donut, Sarge, and Caboose are taking care of that," Grif explained ruefully.

In the distance, Sarge could be heard shouting, "ONE MORE TIME NOW!"

We're Men...in powered mail!

"That's the seventh time the three of them have performed that musical," Grif continued. "I got sick of being the punching bag for it after the fifth...even if I did stop feeling the impacts to face, shins, and crotch by the third."

"So once they stop performing, we explore and try and find evidence of Church and Texas, right?" Tucker asked carefully as he stood up. "Don't suppose we have any idea where to look? Or where we are?"

"Oh, I know where we are," Grif explained readily. "This is where Maud hit me to when she used our base as a bludgeon." He pointed to a nearby ditch in the sand. "That's where Caboose caught me, causing the sand to sink under his feet as he scooted back to absorb the impact. That's how we know we weren't actually thrown through time, because if we were in the past then it wouldn't have appeared there yet, and if we were any appreciable distance into the future, it would have filled in by now."

"...since when are you so intelligent?" Tucker demanded irritably.

"Oh, that's a side effect of starvation," Grif explained readily. "My brain works a lot faster when I'm not eagerly eating anything I can find, and I haven't had anything to eat for the past three hours. Speaking of which, did I ever mention how that particular shade of blue armor makes you look like a giant ice cream cone?"

"Let's find some food quick," Tucker told Simmons urgently. "The last thing I want to see is Grif turning cannibal."

Church stared around in confusion as he found himself in a strange area. Everything seemed fuzzy as though it didn't entirely exist, or was being rendered through outdated hardware. A pool of lava - or possible strawberry jello, it was hard to tell the difference visually - sat behind him, and distant stone walls could barely be made out. An alert message appeared on his helmet's HUD.

Alert: Quantum instability detected. Nearby computer system has access to quantum manipulation technology. Exercise extreme caution. Alternate pony forms unavailable. Enhanced sensors unavailable. Attempting to compensate...fail. Processing visual data of temporally flux station to the best of sensors capabilities. Details inaccurate. Reducing res to compensate...

The area became a bit clearer...but it still looked like it was rendered on poor hardware. However, a text box now floated above the pool in his vision, telling him it was most definitely lava and thus a hazard he could not handle. "...this is just too weird," Church grumbled. "What the heck happened, anyway? Where am I?"

Processing Inquiry.
Calculating possible answers...75% certainty attained.
Magical energy was discharged into an explosive device, charging it with a time-space warping spell. This unit absorbed most of that energy, resulting in allied units only being propelled by a shockwave. This unit's temporal signature became unstable, and thus was drawn to the nearest source of temporal instability that could stabilize unit's temporal coordinates.
Recommended action: Seek out machine controlling quantum manipulations in this facility.

"And just how am I supposed to do that?" Church demanded angrily.

Scans indicate useful equipment in nearby storage containers.

Turning, Church saw the containers in question and moved to open them...only to find nothing inside. "This is some very useful empty boxes..." he growled irritably.

Error: Improperly classified items. Useful information in data storage containers downloaded.
Map data for facility acquired.
Significant Locale detection acquired.

"...I found a map and compass?" Church asked in disbelief.

Confirmed.

Church groaned ruefully as he stood back up. "Yeesh, it's like I'm inside a video game or something." He then paused to think about the kind of world he lived in, and the sort of people he'd encountered before Maud. "You know, back in Blood Gulch that would have explained a lot."

New Arrivals

While Tucker's roller coaster of symptoms and experiences regarding his unexpected pregnancy were quite entertaining for Andy to watch, all others present found the week unbearable to live with and as such Tucker's experiences remained unrecorded for posterity. Besides, other than the really gross parts it only included complaining and freaking out once Ferdy established for him that knowing what she did now, she wouldn't take it personally, and he obviously really needed it if only to wear himself out so he'd be relaxed to get through everything else. The important part of that week was Ferdy informing everyone of exactly what would happen as a result of the pregnancy, ways they could help Tucker recover so that he wouldn't slip into a coma as a result of a process his biology wasn't designed for, what the newborn children would need, and the particulars of the traditions involved as in all likelihood both children would be born with the traits that would make them selected to be Questers, as one parent was one and the other was bonded to the Key.

Most of the preparation work fell to Grif, as he was the only one with a ready supply of materials to craft all that was needed. Upon given instructions in regard to what to make, he went back to his 'mine' and returned with a fully constructed birthing house complete with all the necessary medical tech that wasn't a scanner device that read everything as different shades of green unless it was pointed at Maud. The only part of the tech inside the birthing house that could be considered ancillary or difficult to understand was a machine that went 'Ping!' every so often for no discernible reason...though Ferdy insisted it was important to have.

While the idea that the infants' first meal would be blood was somewhat disturbing, that was nothing compared to the ease with which Grif returned with several buckets of the stuff that were somehow self-preserving. No one was willing to question that too much, though Simmons did take what wouldn't be needed for the infants to feed the singing plant in his garden, as Sarge wanted him to attempt to weaponize it.

The only ones present in the birthing house as the time approached aside from Tucker and Ferdy were Andy, Grif, and Caboose. Andy was there to translate, Grif was there to feed the infants, and Caboose was there to act as the 'midwife'...which, according to Ferdy's traditions, meant that his job was to step outside the house once each infant was born, and then step back inside to explain what the first thing he saw was, from which the child's name in Ferdy's language would be derived, though any shortening or rearranging of the name to make it easier to speak in Standard was perfectly acceptable.

Church sat back some distance from the birthing house as the moment approached, in his unicorn form as his transformation system was acting up again. As such, he'd moved some distance away from everyone else to practice with the telekinetic aspect of that form so as to avoid damaging anyone he cared about...or Tucker.

"So Tucker accepted the simul-pregnancy?" a voice said from behind him. "I'm surprised."

Church jumped in surprise and turned...and found himself facing a unicorn with coloration very similar to Maud's, though with a metallic sheen to the skin rather than a fluffy coat. "Texas?" he asked in surprise. "But-I mean what-I mean-"

Texas calmly placed her hoof against the grill on his helmet where his mouth would be were he unarmored. "Turns out the advanced sensors and controls in this body mean I can remotely control my armor to follow Wyoming while my actual body is free to do other things, and because its abilities are based off how Maud's work, I can warp into it from anywhere as long as I'm just out of sight. Quite useful as long as I'm not caught off guard."

"O-oh," Church managed to stammer, struggling not to stare. He couldn't help it. Even as a pony, Texas was quite fetching. Simmons had done an amazing job shaping her robotic body to match what Maud had requested, and as he was presently a pony he had a very hard time not drooling.

"So I thought I'd pass my time in a more entertaining manner," Texas purred as her horn lit up, and several catches on Church's armor disengaged themselves.

"Wha-oh!" Church said in surprise as his armor shifted. "Oh! ...oooohhh..."

Caboose kept his back turned to the proceedings as Ferdy helped Tucker through the last hurdles of the delivery. He was making a point of not learning whatever method was going to be used to help the infant out of the body not designed to give birth, as everyone had been insistent that he - like Maud - was not ready to learn certain things. He was fine with this. Besides, he was eager to perform his duty of naming! He could hardly wait.

With one last panting groan, Tucker fell silent. "Blar-gargle blah!" Ferdy spoke up insistently.

"It's a Quester!" Andy translated. "Yo idiot step-child! You're up!"

"Yay!" Caboose decreed happily as he stepped outside. He then scanned his surroundings for what would make a good name for the child...and immediately his eyes were drawn to a particular spectacle. His mind parsed it as best he could, comparing it to how Ferdy's name had been shaped, and stepped back inside. "Two-Ponies-Wrestling!" he declared excitedly, his eyes going from the tiny alien infant that matched the coloration of Tucker's armor to Tucker himself.

"Two ponies...wrestling?" Tucker responded weakly, confused. "Where did you see that?"

"It's Mom and Dad as unicorns!" Caboose explained excitedly. "They're wrestling out there! They look like they're having fun!"

As Andy burst into laughter, Tucker struggled to speak. "Bow-chicka-bow-wow, right?" Grif supplied.

"Yeah..." Tucker agreed. "Remind me to...make a lot of jokes about that to Church...when Texas is somewhere else."

At that moment, Ferdy gently removed the infant she was carrying, her own form seeming to shift of its own accord to release the now fully formed infant that was a much deeper blue. "Blar blargle!" she declared happily as the coloring shifted of its own accord.

"Got it!" Caboose declared happily as he stepped back outside.

"So...Two-Ponies-Wrestling..." Tucker mumbled thoughtfully as he looked over his child. "How are we going to shorten that?"

"Well, given how we rearranged for Ferdy, maybe Twerp?" Andy suggested somewhat maliciously. "Especially if he takes after you in personality?"

"Hey!" Tucker snapped as his strength returned. "The only ones who get to talk about me like that are Ferdy and Maud!"

"And Texas," Grif pointed out. "Because there's no way you've got the guts to try and tell her not to."

"...okay, fair point, but still!"

At that moment, Caboose stepped back inside, beaming with joy. "One-Invisible-Man-Throwing-Bucket-of-Water-on-Two-Ponies!" he declared proudly.

Everyone stared at him for a time. Eventually, it was Grif who spoke up. "So...One-Man-Bucket, then?" he clarified. "Well, this place is certainly psycho enough to call him Mob."

"Twerp and Mob, huh?" Tucker observed thoughtfully. "It works, I guess..."

"Blarg!" Ferdy declared happily, expressing her joy that both her children's names were related to ponies, and thus the Friendship she was Questing for. They would surely be of great importance to her society, and had wonderful lives ahead of them.