When I'm 65

by Jesse Coffey

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character, Comedy
Length: 3242

It's the 65th birthday of Carmen Caball and her daughter Miranda wants to take her out for a night on the town.

*Ponyfication of a story by Aaron Ruben, from "Sixty Five Today" by Ray Galton and Alan Simpson*

From the Mami/Nina diaries:

My mami just turned 65 years old. I thought I would give her some presents. A nice new hat is not enough, so I have to go take her out to town. I took her to a fancy bar, a screening of an epic movie called Dances with Wolves, and a nice Hoofkaidoan restaurant. Unfortunately, she exacted NONE of the behavior a 65-year-old should exact.

- Miranda

Published 2017-08-21 10:40:06 UTC
Last updated 2017-08-21 10:40:06 UTC

Happy happy birthday baby

Carmen Caball, a pegasus, gets up from her bed and looks at the mirror and sings "Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday . . . dear Carmen, happy birthday to me."

She then gets out a lot of supplies and telephones Social Security. She is then given a message from the telephone operator stating, "I'm sorry. All of our lines are busy at the moment. I would advise you to remain on the line for the next available service representative to speak to you. This message will not repeat. Please wait until you get a free line."

She remarks, "If I were not of Maretonian heritage I wouldn't have to wait that long."

The door bell rings. It is her daughter, Miranda, who has a radio flyer wagon full of small-to-medium-sized paperback books. "I brought over some nice books for you to read. A dime per book. Unbeatable. Here's a great book that became a great movie, To Kill a Mockingbird." Carmen groans. "And here's a nice little thriller that also became a movie, Jaws." Carmen grumbles to herself, "that shark thing again." "And here's another one! It's a famous play, Death of a Salesman by Arthur Miller. Come on, madre, that's some good stuff there. This will improve A LOT of our literacy skills."

Carmen struggles for a few seconds then retorts, "It looks like you forgot something."

Miranda says, "What?"

Carmen says, "IT'S MY BIRTHDAY, GOD DAMN IT!"

Miranda says, "Well, happy birthday, madre. How old are you?"

Carmen says, "I'm 5 plus 60."

Miranda says, "As if I didn't know what that could equal."

Carmen says, "I'M SIXTY-FIVE! YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT MI HIJA! When you get to be my age, and you have faded into so much obscurity, you're a forgotten woman. And now I prepare myself as I get to be with your father up in Heaven. Good night. It's bedtime for me."

Miranda shrugs. "Bedtime? It's only 2 o'clock in the afternoon! Don't you want to see this?" She then slides up a huge wrapped box with her hooves.

Carmen turns around, sees it, and returns to face Miranda, who says, "FELIZ CUMPLEANOS!" She replies, "So you didn't forget me?" Miranda said, "No, I almost fooled you for a moment there." Carmen said, "Why would you do such a thing? I shouldn't have had to wait all day for it." Miranda said, "Well, let's find out what it is."

In the box is a new bonnet with flowers sticking out the left and right directions of the hat. Miranda says, "What do you think?" Carmen says, "It's, it's, it's a hat." Miranda says, "DUH! Let's look in the mirror. Ah . . . ah . . . isn't that a beauty?" Carmen says, "It sure is! My old hat like this got trampled over by a car once." Miranda says, "You can pull down the hat . . . " Carmen says, "No it makes me look like a border patrol agent. This neighbourhood isn't in need of one." Miranda says, ". . . or pull it down on one side, which most people do." Carmen replies, "That makes me look weird. You don't want that do you? No, I like the brim pulled up like this. That's where all the sweat locks in."

Miranda replies, "Notice in the sweatband it says C.C."

Carmen replies, "And that means what?"

Miranda replies, "THOSE ARE YOUR INITIALS MADRE!"

Carmen says, "It could mean Come Clean."

Miranda replies, "Remember, you cannot be wearing it on a daily basis. It has to be worn on special occasions . . . "

Carmen says, " . . . like funerals, weddings, and the land of Social Security. OOOH! THERE'S A CARD IN THERE! I'll be reading it! 'Happy birthday mama' - - "

Miranda says, "I don't take kindly to that."

Carmen says, "It's important that I read it out loud. 'Happy birthday mama' - - "

Miranda says, "You don't have to do that."

Carmen says, "Quiet down. 'Happy birthday mama' - - "

"This isn't bedtime mama. This is a card reading."

"I know, shut up. 'Happy birthday mama. I feel a certain sentiment for you and I could never want to hide it in a million years. I wish you happy birthday, a very heartwarming birthday. You have to know I love you in my heart from top to bottom and if we should ever part you will always have my blessin'. Signed, your loving daughter, Miranda.' That is very sweet. Why didn't you want me reading it out loud?"

Miranda replies, "Well, birthday cards . . . "

"What about them?"

". . . they get slightly mushy and dorky . . . "

"Then you don't believe it. I like the hat better than you like the card."

"So take your card, and I'll keep the hat."

"NO! You take the hat, and I'll keep the card!"

"Geez, for a loving daughter like that you should be more thankful for the kind of presents you receive from her!"

"Thank you!" Carmen shouted and then Miranda sat on her chair staring at Carmen, who said, "I love this hat. It's the best looking one I ever had in my life. I like the card . . . and the hat."

"Now if you wear that when it rains, you best take it off."

"Take it off? In the rain?"

"It's gonna get spots and your hat will be speckled."

"I'm gonna catch a cold if I take it off in the rain."

"You can cure a cold for 3 days. You can cure a speckled hat on the twelfth of never."

"Gee, I, I guess so."

"Madre, pack your bags. We're going out tonight!"

"For what?"

"Why are you asking this? The hat is only HALF of the present. We're gonna have a night on the town."

"Is that so?"

"Yes. I figured you needed one because you're 65 years of age and so I thought you needed to be rewarded for this. First, a drink, then a movie that requires personal reservation, and then it will be dinner time."

Carmen then gets cheerful. "OH BOY! IT'S NOT EVEN GONNA RAIN TONIGHT! I'm gonna wear my hat!"

Miranda replies, "And you're gonna were a nice dress and slippers."

"Dress and slippers? I don't need no dress and slippers!"

"That's what going out in style means, hat, dress and slippers!"

"OK. Got enough gas in the truck?"

"A broken down truck is NOT high-style. We're going in a taxi because that IS high-style."

"Taxi? Taxi? Imagine that. Taking a taxi while letting no one go to the hospital."

Out and about

In the fancy bar

Carmen and Miranda sit down and Carmen says, "Say why did I have to dress up with a dress and slippers before I came in here?" Miranda is like, "What are you talking about madre? This is a nice place. It ain't a honky-tonk bar."

Carmen says, "Looks like there are honkeys to me."

Then Miranda sees that she still has her hat on. "Madre, please take off your hat."

"What?"

"Please take off your hat."

"NO!"

"But you can't sit in this place with your hat on."

"Why not? Everybody comes here to drink, not to preach."

Then the bartender shows up. "Hello ladies. Can I offer you some beverages this evening?"

"Well, what do you want to drink, madre?"

"uh, uh, Shirley Temple."

"That's for the kiddies, Mr. Bartender." (turns to Carmen) "Order something else."

"Do you have any cider on tap?" Carmen asked the bartender, an earth pony named, well, Bar Tender, who replied . . .

"No, This location just has bottled cider."

"No. It's too gassy. It makes me burp and fart."

"Then why don't you order something else? You don't have to have it."

Carmen is like, "I don't like it . . . Can you give me a can of cider if you have it?"

"No. We don't have such a thing." replied Bar Tender.

"Come on madre. Stop having a temper tantrum and order something already."

"The cheapest thing they got here is the Temple of Shirley."

"Stop worrying about price. I'm the one who's paying for this, madre."

"Come on Miranda, let's go somewhere where we can pay for some beer on tap."

The bartender came back to say, "Hello. I would like to give you a nice old fashioned."

"I would like to throw you out the window. I got every right to do that for anyone who calls me old-fashioned."

"NOBODY is calling you old-fashioned. It's what the drink is called." Miranda says. Then she turns to the bartender and says, "Yes he'd like a nice old fashioned."

Bar Tender says, "That's great. How about you?"

Miranda says, "An Italian martini, straight up, with a touch of orange, and don't bruise it by stirring it too hard."

Carmen chuckles. "No, I don't want it bruised" she remarks before chuckling again. Miranda becomes disgusted. "Calm down madre. Hey this is a nice place, ain't it?" Carmen replies, "Ah I suppose. There's no video arcade here though." To which Miranda retorted: "Why would there be? This is a fancy bar. It's not gonna have a video arcade." Carmen says, "They must have put one in the back. HEY ANYONE IN HERE GOT A VIDEO ARCADE?" Miranda gets pissed off about her sudden move and replies to Carmen, "They don't have a video arcade, I told you that. Everyone's now staring at you." To which Carmen replies, "They can look but they can't touch me."

Bar Tender comes back. "Here we are ladies. You have a martini and an old-fashioned."

Carmen looks at it suspiciously. "Where's the ice cream?"

"Excuse me? Ice cream?"

"Yeah, it has the look of a sundae."

Miranda asks, "How much do the drinks cost?"

Bar Tender replies: "2 bits and 50 minibits."

Carmen retorts: "2 bits and 50 minibits?"

Miranda says, "Here we go. Here are 3 bits and you can keep the change." Bar Tender replies, "Thank you very much for that."

Miranda says, "Now drink your drink."

Carmen says, "For 2 bits and 50 minibits we could have gotten someone else's car fixed!"

Miranda says, "I said, 'drink your drink.'"

Carmen drinks it and says, "Oh oh that's, that's so sweet it makes me think I'm engaging in lust or something. Now give me someone I can engage in lust with."

This is behavior Miranda finds disgusting. "Let's leave it alone and get out of here. The movie is about to start anyway."

Carmen says "Good. This place gets 0 stars for me for not having beer on tap. It only gives me sweet drinks and gives me no video arcades to play in. Hey, get a video arcade to play in!" Miranda says, "Oh shut up."

At the movies

It is intermission time and everyone gathers near the entrance to the film. A man bumps into Miranda and she says, "Watch where you're going. I've got me this hat here. Boy, Miranda you sure can pick them."

"What are you talking about?"

"This Dances with Wolves, whatever it is. What is it?"

"What is it?! It's a drama, madre, an historical drama."

"Aww . . . " and Carmen blows a raspberry."

"I am appalled. You sit there, you watch it and you STILL have no idea what it's all about."

"I know what it's about! It's about this white guy who waves this flag around like it's a toy and defends a group of people who speak in gibberish."

Carmen's knowledge about this appalls her daughter. "I take you to see a drama that was widely praised by critics and it STILL means nothing to you."

"It doesn't mean anything to me because I ain't Indian."

"Well then how come it won the Academy Award for Best Picture, huh? Care to explain THAT?"

"Well, it's because there are a lot of Indians at the Academy Awards."

"I also saw on TV that Siskel & Ebert gave it Two big Thumbs Up and said it was one of the best movies of the year, madre."

"So there you have two more Indians."

Miranda, angered by the statement, replies, "THEY'RE NOT INDIANS MADRE! Do you know anything at all? Are you capable of knowing anything? Other than that which you see on something on a TV show? For you you can only know what you see on a TV show like Dallas."

Carmen's like, "What's wrong with Dallas?"

Miranda replies, "Nothin'. It's just that there are other pleasures in life."

Carmen retorts: "At least J.R. Ewing doesn't sit on a bunch of horses waving the flag around. If he sees a bad guy he just stands there and he kills him. Not gonna catch HIM spouting gibberish."

"There's no use talking to an idiot like you." Then the bell rings and Miranda says, "Come on, part two is starting."

"Wait . . . THERE'S MORE?!"

"Yes, of course there's more. We only saw half of it."

"No, I don't wanna go back there."

"What do you mean madre?"

"Oh go back in. I'll go back home and enjoy my new hat. You bought me a sweet drink and I'm gonna go back home and watch TV with my new hat on."

"Let's go."

"Oh, Miranda, don't let me spoil it for you."

"Look, I made a promise to take you out to dinner. I hope you like this place. You didn't like the other places we were in."

"Oh, I like where we're going, not what we're getting."

An usher talks to Carmen and Miranda. "Mares, the second half of the movie is starting. Hurry up."

Carmen remarks, "Oh, then the movie is too long. Hey how about we get some colour cartoons in here?" She and Miranda fly out of view.

At the Hoofkaido restaurant

The waiter walks Carmen and Miranda in and says, "Listen here, there's a nice table for two."

They are comfortably seated. "Listen, we're gonna need THREE chairs."

The waiter says, "Three? What for?"

She says, "For me, my daughter and my new hat."

He says, "I will return with a menu. Chotto soko ni, korera no hinba ni menyū o oshiete moraemasu ka?"

She looks perplexed. "Hey, this is a real Hoofkaidoan restaurant, isn't it?"

Miranda replies, "No, it's a McDonald's. Of course it's a Hoofkaidoan restaurant."

Carmen replies, "I can't eat in here. I can't eat NIP food."

Miranda, peeved, asks, "Madre, are you gonna start again?"

Carmen's like, "Well you never know what they're gonna put in it. This one time, I heard of a fellow who ate some teriyaki and you know what they found in it?"

Miranda says, "Keep it to yourself."

Carmen says, "Detergent. D-E-T-E-R-G-E-N-T. Detergent. These people wash their clothes and cook their food at the same place."

The waiter hands the two mares a menu. Carmen says, "Hey this is in Hoofkaidoan. We don't even know what we're eating!"

Miranda says, "English if you flip it over. I'M gonna do the ordering for you. I'll have some Katsu Donburi, Grilled Salmon, some Shrimp & Vegetable Tempura and some Chicken Teriyaki."

Carmen remarks, "I'm gonna die if I eat all that."

The waiter says, "And you would like?"

Carmen says, "I'd like some Big Macs®, fries and a Coke."

Miranda looks at her with an alarmed expression. "ARE YOU SERIOUS?! They don't have that here and you know it! This is a Hoofkaidoan restaurant. Now settle down. You're gonna like what I ordered. That's all waiter."

The waiter replies, "Thank you."

Carmen remarks, "These Hoofkaidoans are surely spoiled brats. Maybe Princess Celestia should have kept 'em out of Equestria."

Carmen talks to a stranger across the table from her and Miranda to the latter's frustration. She says, "Listen. Mi hija can help you with the check that you have."

"What?"

"She knows her way around this place and can potentially help you."

"No thanks."

"Look at me. I would not have been here were it not for mi hija. It's my birthday."

"Oh?"

"That's right. I'm 65 today. Do I look like it?"

"No you certainly don't."

Miranda says, "MADRE, STOP IT!"

To which Carmen replies, "Look, I've got a right to find the uses for my mouth as well as you do."

To which Miranda replies, "And you've got a right to know you don't talk to strangers unless you know them well."

Carmen continues her conversation with the stranger. "This dinner is part of my birthday present, as is this hat" which is shown to the stranger who remarks "That's lovely. You have been blessed with luck."

"I'd like to think so. And also, we saw a brand new picture called, uh, Dancing with a Wolf. Have you seen that yet?"

"I haven't" says the stranger, who gets up with his wife.

Carmen says, "Well you best save your money. We left in the middle of it it was that awful."

"Oh? I heard it was very good."

Carmen tells Miranda, "I think he's an Indian too."

Miranda finds atrocity in Carmen's behavior and says, "That WAS a good movie and I liked what I saw of it."

Carmen pats the man as he and his wife are about to part, remarking "See, I don't look like I am 65 do I?"

"No sirree you don't."

"Good. There's a nice white fellow."

Miranda is pissed at Carmen. "You are a jerk. A great, big, enormous, major, enigmatic jerk. You were being a jerk and irritating that nice man. Sit here and leave him alone."

Then the dinner is served. The waiter says, "Katsudonburī, sāmon-yaki, we have some ebi to yasai no tenpura and we finally have some Chikin teri-yaki. All of this is very good for you!"

Carmen picks up some salmon and sniffs it. "Oooh, what a stingy smell. It smells like Raid® or something. I bet you they gave you the shot so that when they came here nothing on the plate moves right."

Miranda says, "I am tired of all this whining and fussing and complaining coming out of your mouth. You don't have to eat this stuff, you don't have to do all that. I am getting out of here! Nothing satisfies you! Waiter, check please. Here. You can take your five bits and spend them ANY SINGLE WAY YOU WANT TO but that is IT for my life with you for this evening."

The waiter says, "Is anything wrong sir?"

Miranda says, "No everything's fine. Keep the change."

The waiter says, "Hey, do you want to take the food home? Tabemono o ie ni mochikaeritaidesu ka?"

Carmen says, "No."

"No? But Hoofkaidoan food is good for you. Rice, vegetables, real good."

"I don't like Hoofkaidoan food. It makes me burp and fart."

"I am sorry sir."

"Well, um, can't eat that."

Carmen stands outside the Hoofkaidoan restaurant as it starts raining. She tucks her hat in her dress and walks out.

Author's Note

DANCES WITH WOLVES © 1990 TIG Productions and Orion Pictures Corporation.

McDONALD'S and BIG MAC are registered trademarks of McDonald's Corporation.

RAID® is a registered trademark of S.C. Johnson & Son, Inc.

The items ordered are from Kazuko Sushi & Japanese Cuisine, 4210 East Speedway Blvd. in Tucson, Arizona.