Unsung: Rivers of Listerine

by Dustchu

Rating: teen
Tags: Alternate Universe, Human, Fluttershy (EqG), Rainbow Dash (EqG), Comedy, Equestria Girls
Length: 1770

After an incredibly tragic experience with a dare, Rainbow makes a quick trip to Wall-Mart.

After a tragic experience with a dare, Rainbow makes a hasty trip to Wall-Mart, more specifically, to the oral hygiene aisle.

Published 2017-08-20 16:10:07 UTC
Last updated 2017-08-20 16:10:07 UTC

Can I just buy the entire aisle?

"Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god!"

"R-Rainbow, p-please calm down..."

"I can't calm down! OH GOD!"

Today was a very tragic day, at least for our heroine Rainbow Dash anyway.

"I can taste it, I can taste it!"

"I-I know it must be bad bu-"

"If AIDS had a taste this is what it would taste like! THIS IS WHAT AIDS TASTES LIKE!"

So incredibly tragic.

The vehicle they were both in zipped through the streets of Midtown, passing by cars like a blur. The engine roared and the tires screeched as Rainbow fought herself to keep from ripping her tongue out and keeping her hands on the wheel—an arduous task at best, given her current situation.

"R-Rainbow, ca-can't we slow down just a tiny bit?" Her best friend, Fluttershy asked as she pulled her seat belt on as tight as she could.

She was close to loosing all feeling below her waist and causing some discomfort in her chest, but she'd rather not go flying through the windshield.

"Why?! Just why did it have to be me?!" Rainbow continued, "All of the days! And it had to be the day Soarin and I were supposed to meet up! GAH!" She spit yet another wad of gum out the window before grabbing a handful of sticks, "Ugh! I can STILL TASTE IT!"

The most horrifying thing about this that Fluttershy noticed was that Rainbow wasn't even taking the gum out of the wrappers.

"R-Rainbow, it'll b-be oka-TRUCK! TRUCK! THERE'S A TRUCK!" Fluttershy shrieked, the sight of a tanker barreling right towards them.

Rainbow swerved back into the appropriate lane—just barely avoiding the semi truck as it blew on by, blowing its horn as the duo blasted through Midtown. "UUUUGGGGGH! I'm going to kill him!"

Still petrified in her seat, Fluttershy managed a single, "R-Rainbow-"

"I will fuckin' murder him Fluttershy, I will murder him!" The tone in Rainbow's voice brokered no argument on Fluttershy's part.

Not that she was going to try, she was too busy praying to the gods that Rainbow didn't plow into some unfortunate pedestrian or oncoming car.

"I'm gonna find a nice empty spot in the Everfree, I'm going to dig a five foot deep hole, and then I'm going to castrate him before burying him alive!" Rainbow declared loudly.

"Cars, cars, cars everywhere," Fluttershy whimpered continuously, fingers wrapped around the seat-belt strap and pulling it taut. "BUS! BUS! BUS!"

A growl from the rainbow haired girl. "I'm going to rip out his tongue if I see him again!"

"AHHHHHHHHH!"

Rainbow didn't even acknowledge her best friend as she continued to drive around vehicles and getting dangerously close to slamming into them. Instead she ripped the E-Break back and yanked the wheel to a sharp left before slamming her foot down on the accelerator. She propelled the car to the left, and pulling the wheel back right she drifted right past the oncoming bus, nearly clipping it.

The car drifted into the Wall-Mart parking lot with a loud screech with Fluttershy screaming in absolute terror—her life flashed before her eyes, everything she had ever done up to this point flooding through her mind.

Thankfully, the car came to a stop right next to the entrance of Wall-Mart.

Rainbow barreled out of the car with a noise of disgust, slamming it shut and sprinting into the store with a cry.

Fluttershy just blinked and took a few shaky breaths in a sad attempt to calm herself. After a few moments of forcing down the bi-

"Oh geez!" She forced open the door and wobbled out of her seat. Fluttershy fell onto the concrete with a thump, stomach churning as she crawled towards the trash receptacle nearby and promptly threw up into it. She heaved and coughed until her stomach was empty, then wiped her mouth before stumbling into the store on wobbly legs.

Inside Wall-Mart.

Rainbow sprinted inside—moving as fast as her legs could carry her.

"Hello and welcome to Wall-Mar-" A Wall-Mart Employee started—who's name was Steve—but was swiftly cut off by Rainbow grabbing his shoulder, "H-hey!"

"Where's your mouthwash! THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!" Rainbow shook him, causing him to blubber and stammer.

His hand rose and a frantic gesture towards the center of the store was her answer. "A-a-a-aisle f-f-f-five!"

"Thanks!" She tossed Steve aside, forcing him to fall into the shopping buggy area before she sprinted off into the store's center.

Steve just laid on the ground, rubbing his head. "Ooow..."

"O-oops, e-excuse me, s-sorry." At the entrance, Fluttershy stumbled inside and nearly tripped over Steve in her desperate attempt to follow after her friend. "R-Rainbow!"

Rainbow didn't hear her, as the other girl was too busy scanning a certain aisle.

Upon reaching her, Fluttershy looked up.

Oral Hygiene

Thinking back to how this day started, Fluttershy nodded slowly to herself, "Yeah... that'd do it..."

"Oh jeez, oh god, oh god!" Rainbow scrambled through the aisle with a shopping cart. "I gotta make a trip to the kitchen aisle, find some cheap knives or something after this!"

"R-Rainbow, calm down, please!" Fluttershy wandered over as one by one, Rainbow was tossing bottles of Listerine into the cart. "I-it's not that bad...?" She offered up, smiling sheepishly.

Rainbow turned to stare at the pink haired girl, her eyes betraying how she truly felt...

...

"it feels like AIDS, Hep A, and Hep C are having an three-way on my tongue."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...I mean... it was just a dare..."

"Just a dare?" Rainbow grabbed a bottle of blue Listerine and violently twisting off the cap. "Just a dare?"

"Um... yes?"

"Zephyr Breeze, Canterlot High School's number one pervert," Rainbow began listing off as the cap fell to the floor, "Your brother, the guy who is well known for holding the record for the amount of times he's snuck into the Girls Locker Room in decades, the same guy who literally has his own special warning sign in the school halls—KISSED ME!" She enunciated this with a stomp of her boot on the ground before ripping the protective seal off of the the bottle and then pouring it into her mouth.

"T-true," Fluttershy saw Rainbow's cheeks bulge, which was soon followed by a loud gargling noise that filled the aisle. "He's done all of...that, but still! Was it really necessary to drive like that?!" Fluttershy's legs still felt like jelly, and the ball of lead settled in the put of her stomach didn't help matters any.

Spitting out a stream of blue onto the floor nearby, Rainbow said, "Considering it was your brother, yes."

"And you're stealing!"

"...I'll pay for it!"

"Did you bring your wallet?"

"..."

"..."

"...Hey Fluttershy, can I borrow twenty bucks?"

A groan of exasperation escaped Fluttershy. "Rainbow."

"Clean up on Aisle Five! Clean up on Aisle Five!"

"Okay fine, but can you blame me?! It's your brother!" Rainbow gargled another mouthful of Listerine, swishing around in an attempt to get rid of the disgusting feeling of Zephyr's slimy tongue off of her own. Once she spat out this second mouthful, she added, "I have a boyfriend! He knows that!"

"You know Zephyr, he's... he's..." Fluttershy puffed out her cheek, trying to find a good word to describe her brother.

"A piece of human garbage?"

"Uh... no."

"Shit?"

"...no."

"A pervert with too much time on his hands and has no concept of personal boundaries?"

"...Yeah, pretty much," Fluttershy rubbed her eyes.

"God, I can still feel his tongue on mine Fluttershy, that is not something that should ever be a thing!" Rainbow continue to whine, the memory of what happened playing back in both of their minds.

School was just beginning to end for all of the students, Rainbow and Fluttershy were on their way to meet Sunset and the others for band practice, which was mostly held at Rainbow's house in the Midtown Suburbs. Of course, as Rainbow had the basement all to herself, it was the perfect place to get together for practicing.

But that all came crashing down when Zephyr came running up to the two, and Rainbow figured that the sleaze was going to mooch off of Fluttershy again and take some of his sister's money.

Fluttershy had taken out her wallet in preparation, even.

Only something far worse happened.

Zephyr grabbed her, and smushed his cheesy and chapped lips against her own.

Fluttershy had dropped her wallet in shock at seeing her best friend being forcibly kissed by her younger brother, her mouth was quick to join the journey downwards.

Rainbow's eyes were wide, mouth wide open in shock and giving him the perfect opportunity to sneak his tongue in to slap and flop against hers like an infected dolphin with no eyes. The sensation was unlike anything her taste buds had ever had the pleasure of undergoing, it was not unlike rancid eggs and mayonnaise mixed in with gooey sardine juice and moldy cheese, with just a touch of musk and Zephyr's own... whatever it was that dwelled within that gaping crevice he called a mouth.

Her brain chose that exact moment to reboot, and she was able to push Zephyr off of her with a muffled scream of absolute disgust and horror, she brought up her leg and kicked him in between the legs as an extra measure before running off.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" She shrieked like no girl has ever shrieked before.

And now... here they both are.

"Your brother is going to pay!" Rainbow promised, eyelids twitching and irises burning with an intense desire to see Zephyr burn in a tire fire. "This is so disgusting!" She made to gargle more of the mouthwash, putting the bottle to her lips and tilting it up.

Then Fluttershy spoke as her eyes danced across the oral hygiene products, "I should probably buy Zephyr some mouthwash... he never brushes his teeth, and who knows what he puts in his mouth when no one's looking..."

...

...

...

Glug glug glug glug

Looking over, Fluttershy saw Rainbow, not gargling the Listerine, but drinking it. "R-Rainbow you're not supposed to drink that!"

Taking the bottle away, Rainbow's eyes were desperate, "Make me!" She then started chugging the bottle as she pushed the cart away, with Fluttershy in hot pursuit.

"Wait for me!"

"I HAVE THE TASTE OF AIDS IN MY MOUTH!"

"R-Rainbow!"

"AHHHHHH!"

Author's Note

You know... it really says something about me when I write out a ship I despise with the burning passion of a thousand suns purely for story purposes... willingly...
:pinkiesick: