In My Headby QuinnyOnMainChaptersWho am I?AwarenessBurning OutWho am I?"What exactly goes on in that head of yours?" I've been asked the rhetorical question more times than I can count in a single day, maybe even more than a week. Not that it isn't a valid question, in fact, I would also appreciate knowing exactly what my thoughts are on any given situation. The activity that occurs in my brain isn't particularly evident to me. It tends to change completely at a moments notice. There are few times when I can keep my mind consistently focused on one single thing, one single feeling, or one single process. The rest of the time, it seems like all of the processes are on, or all the processes are off. I would say that there is no in-between, but there are far too many of the described processes to tell. I lose track of them before even scratching the surface of my mind. I wonder what a more exceptional mind is like. Are their processes even more out of control than mine? Or do they have the mental capacity to keep the processes under control, turning off the current unnecessary processes and activating the appropriate ones depending on the current situation, whatever it happens to be? Perhaps that is exactly why more exceptional ponies are more exceptional: they have a grip on their processes and are therefore more efficient units. What are these processes I'm referring to? Thoughts, feelings, memories, and emotions. The fabric of what makes us sentient. What my processes do is hard to explain, but I can attempt to offer my best insight into what's inside my head. Sometimes, I feel everything. All emotions, all at once. Sadness, happiness, anger, fear, love, hatred, pride, despair, and many more that I cannot explain the meaning of. These emotions seem to kick themselves on and off as they please, only mildly influenced by the outside world. Only when I'm drawing, writing, coding, designing, or gaming does my mind seem to want to cooperate with situations. Give or take a few activities. Most of the time, I can shut my emotions away and fake normalcy well enough to blend in. Many ponies believe my way of life to be mentally unhealthy, but it's not like I started life stable. I've been a very large engine in a glass shop with nothing pinning me down, simply waiting for somepony to start me, to let me shake around and shatter the world around me, whether I like it or not. Sometimes, I feel nothing. On occasion, all of my processes flip themselves off, not caring to start themselves again. I'm left with cold, dark, emotionless nothingness. If speaking in the same manner as my glass shop analogy, I would be a raven's feather, sitting on the counter: ragged, dark, motionless, and completely harmless. In this state, I do not feel, and I do not make others feel. It makes me unwelcoming and unfriendly. My one friend tends to compare me to an alien, not experiencing emotion like the inhabitants of Equestria do. I suppose there isn't truly any point where I don't feel anything. There is a feeling that seems to always be there to haunt me. It keeps a death-like grip on me, making me feel trapped within my body and mind. My soul itself feels constricted and weak. I am powerless against this hungry monster that plagues me. This feeling is commonly known as gender dysphoria. If I were originally placed within a female body, complete with all the accessories, maybe I wouldn't feel so out of place in my own skin. Though maybe if I had never been given these feelings, I would never care whether I was in a male or female body. Regardless of the possible alternate outcomes of my birth, here I am now, living, breathing, and miserable. And who am I? "Aria!" A mare's voice worriedly pleads me to snap back to the world. I stutter as I look into her eyes, "A-Aurora, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. Did I do it again?" "Oh, thank Celestia you're okay. I thought you were having a neurological event!" Aurora exclaimed. I shake my head and continue walking down the sidewalk, "Aurora, my brain practically IS a neurological event. It's just always going on." "Aria? Are you sure you're okay? Do you need to talk about something?" The mare flashes me a concerned expression as she matches pace next to me. I sigh, looking at the cement ground, "I always need to talk about something, you know that." "I guess the question is, will you?" Her tone flattens, displaying an air of disappointment. I make eye contact with Aurora as we stop at her car, "I thought of a new game idea." The mare's forehead wrinkles as her visual concern shifts to frustration. She walks around to the driver's side door and levitates her keys out to unlock the vehicle. Once inside, she unlocks the passenger side door and I get in. "I'm sorry, Aurora. I just can't bring myself to talk about it. I don't know how you'll react. So please promise me something. We're still friends after I tell you, okay?" I wipe a tear away from my eye. The mare sighs, "Aria, you know you can tell me anything and we'll still be friends. Do you think I would leave you if you told me something weird? News flash: Aria is a social outcast who hangs out with another social outcast." "I'm transgender." I push the hardest words I've ever verbally said to somepony else out of my mouth, wishing I had a magic spell to turn back time to just before I said it. The mare's expression softens, "Aria, you thought you were going to lose me over that?" "Uh-huh" I utter the sound through my dry throat as I feel my tear ducts give way. There isn't any stopping it now; I'm bawling next to my only friend because I just told her who exactly I am. She leans over the center section between the car seats and wraps her front hooves around me, "There's no need to cry, Aria. I'll accept you. Please stop crying." "O-Okay..." I say through my tears, sniffing from the mucus buildup. As Aurora backs away from the embrace, she levitates a box of tissues into my lap from the back seat. I use my own magic to remove a tissue and blow my nose, repeating several times until my nose is finally unclogged. All the while, my best and only friend is sitting and patiently waiting for me. She softly offers an empathetic smile, "Are you okay now?" "Well, I'm better. There's a lot more that I probably should talk about, but I don't think you have enough tissues." I say, flatly. Aurora levitates the tissue box back, "It's okay, we don't have to talk about it this time." The mare magically puts the key in the ignition and turns it, starting the car, proceeding to begin to drive to my house, where I'm still living with my parents. I watch the buildings of Canterlot fly lazily past. I've only seen pictures of what it had originally looked like. The city was far prettier back then. Buildings were crafted from beautiful smooth materials, accented with gold. The fountain in town square is still there, if in disrepair. At least we have the castle still close to its stunning original shape, but everything else has been rebuilt using dark red, uninteresting bricks and grey cement. Maybe I would like my life a little more if I weren't living in this generation, full of "change" ponies think is good. As we get to the outskirts of the city, we get to a more wooded area full of nature, something I can agree with. While it's moved and grown a lot, it hasn't changed in centuries. The wilderness is beautiful to me. If only other ponies agreed with me. Then again, I kind of enjoy the lack of neighbors. We pull into the driveway, making our way around the back of the house to an abandoned shed that came with the house. Years prior, I had found an old pickup truck under a tarp which my dad helped me learn about, and this year, I had begun to work on it, so maybe I could put my driver's license to use. I could probably find a smartphone powered taxi service that would let me use an old crew cab. I place my new alternator in the hood and fasten it on with nuts. Slowly but surely, I've been making this vehicle usable. The parts I could salvage are cleaned and applied, and I've sold everything else to buy more parts. My one pony game design studio barely covers what else I need. Good thing my parents aren't charging me rent. "Hey, son!" My dad exclaims from the end of the shed closer to the house. The unexpected interaction startles me into letting my magic let off, dropping my wrench, "O-Oh! Hey dad..." "Why so nervous? Aria, do you have something to hide?" He makes eye contact with me as he walks to the front of the truck. My eyes widen as my heart sinks, dreading what he could possibly be about to tell me, "Well, I-" "Ah, I'm just kidding. Don't be so timid!" He laughs. Aurora saves the day by confidentiality stepping into the situation, "Hello, Mr. Melody." "Aria! You sly dog! She's beautiful!" My dad smiles at me. I stammer, "Well, I'm... she's not... I'm not..." "I apologize, Mr. Melody, Aria and I are not in a relationship. We're just friends." Aurora saves my life once again. The stallion smirks, "My wife and I started as 'just friends' but the magic of friendship brought us together and, well, we-" "Thank you, dad. Love you too. Please, can I, you know?" I tap on the side of the truck. My dad laughs again, "Yeah, I know you're working hard, or hardly working, if you know what I mean." Once my dad disappears back inside the house, I lay my head down on the front fender, facing downward. I thought he would never leave. I love him and all, but I did not need to see him right now. "Thank you." My appreciation is slightly muffled from my position, but is still heard. Aurora chuckles, "That stallion is the overbearing dad I've heard so much about, I take it?" "Yup." I confirm as I lift my head up. She smiles, "It could be worse." Author's Note From this chapter alone, I'm way happier with this story than I am with Aria. The characters are quite a bit more natural and dynamic, and Aria herself has a unique personality, and this far more accurately depicts a transgender person and expresses my own thoughts. Awareness"Do your parents know?" Aurora thoughtfully sips her coffee as I wrench on my truck. I don't want to answer her question, so I dodge it, "It's nice this morning, isn't it?" "I asked you a question, Aria." She scolds me, prying for an answer. I remain silent as I finish installing the timing belt. I really don't want to talk about my issues. Maybe I should've stayed quiet about my situation. Although it's still nice to have somepony to help me bear the burden. It was like being thrown into Tartarus to deal with it alone. I had no one to- Aurora breaks my thought with a sharp smack of a hoof against the sheet metal against the front passenger side fender, "Snap out of it." "No, they don't know." I emotionlessly say as I tighten the belt tensioner. She looks down at me from the top of the opened engine compartment, "When do you plan to tell them?" "Are you kidding? They'd disown me." I glare as I roll out from under the truck. The mare walks around to face me, "No they wouldn't, they love you." "They love male Aria. They love a stallion that doesn't exist, they don't love me. They don't even know me." I frustratedly brush the dust off myself. My friend sighs and shakes her head, "How do you know that they wouldn't love you if they did know you?" "I know, okay?" I toss my adjustable wrench in my toolbox, closing the lid with a burst of magic. She frowns, "Maybe you wouldn't be so miserable if you didn't just assume everypony is going to hate you. I didn't start hating you when you told me." "I know what they think of transgender ponies. I really don't want them to think of me that way." I wipe away a tear. Aurora puts her front legs around me, "Aria, don't cry again, please. It's okay, I promise." "I hate living. Why couldn't I have been put on this world normal? I wouldn't even mind if I was stupid. I just hate living like this." I let my tears gush out. The mare strokes my head, "It'll be okay, I know you, and you'll work through this, you always work through things." "I've been trying to for over eighteen years, Aurora!" I exclaim as I push the mare away. Her eyes well up with tears, "I was just trying to help, Aria. I only want you to feel better..." "Then help me! You're good with magic, right?! Make me a mare, physically! Help me, Aurora, help!" I pause after I scream, widening my eyes in shock of what I just said. I run outside the shed, roughly sitting down against the Eastern wall and sobbing. I know Aurora is angry at me, and probably won't speak to me for at least a week. That's what I get for letting my big dumb mouth run. Why would I say that to her? She didn't make me this way. I wipe the tears from my eyes as I prepare myself to confront the situation I just started. This isn't going to be easy. I swallow a lump in my throat as I gently step back in the shed, "Aurora, I'm sorry..." "No, it's fine. I should've left it." She responds, flatly. There's a few moments of cold silence between us before Aurora's voice shatters it with the most repetitive, most predictable question I know, "What exactly goes on in that head of yours?" "I-I..." I stutter, trying to find a proper response, as every process within my mind shuts down immediately, leaving me completely, utterly speechless. Aurora's eyes meet mine, "Aria, I didn't mean to..." "I started it." I coldly say, in my state of emotionless conversational calculation. Aurora hugs me, jumpstarting my brain again and causing me to erupt into tears, "I can't imagine what you're going through, but I'm here. Always remember that. I can't do everything for you, but I will do anything and everything I can if you need me to." "I can't ask that of you, Aurora... I don't want to be a bother." I say, letting my tears completely loose as I gingerly return the embrace. The mare tightens her grip, "Then don't ask, just let me do it all for you. I want to, for my best friend... my only friend." "Thank you. Thank you so much." I say with a quivering voice, sniffing up the buildup in my nostrils, not relenting my grip, even after Aurora's hooves return to the ground. My friend physically pushes out of my hooves to look at me face to face, "The first thing I can do for you happens to be a surprise, at my house." "What is it?" I ask, ignoring my thoughts. She smirks, "You DO know what a surprise is, right?" I am coaxed into Aurora's car's passenger seat as she gets in on the other side. The trees seem more colorful as they go by on the ride to my friend's home. She puts a hoof over my eyes when we arrived, telling me to not open them until she says it's okay. I'm afraid of uncertainty, but I go along with the mystery even still. I feel her quietly guide me up the steps to her second floor apartment. On occasion, one of my hooves slips, but my friend is there to keep me upright. Now that I think of it, she's always been with me, she's always been there for me. From our senior year, when me met, I remember her stepping in when a few stallions had cornered me in the hall. We both got beat up that day, but she was always looking at the bright side, even though we were battered and bruised. I wish I could be that optimistic, but unfortunately, I can't find the spark of positivity within me that keeps her going. Maybe I'm just not meant to be happy like her. I feel her take me onto a more flat floor as we step inside the apartment. "Almost here. But I still don't want you opening your eyes." I hear Aurora say. I feel us stop as another door opens. I'm not exactly sure were we are, but I know we're in the apartment, although that knowledge is admittedly vague. I feel fabric being pulled around me, a soft, silky material. Surprised at the feeling, I twitch a little, hearing a slight chuckle coming from my dear friend. The next thing I feel is a zipper along my back. I think Aurora just put a clothing item on me, though I'm not sure what it is. I then start feeling bristles on my face, rubbing in alternating directions. Once that's done, I feel something touch my lips, gently moving all around. Something drags on my eyelashes, surprising me once again. There's silence for a few moments with no interaction between us before I hear Aurora's voice coming out of the darkness, "Okay, you can open your eyes." I open my eyes to see a mare I've never seen before. She has lush eyelashes, and an overall beautiful face. Her lips have a slight gloss to them, enough to make them smooth and shiny. Her mane is smooth and organized. The dress she's wearing is a bright blue, matching her fur, only made of a silky material, and the skirt sweeps to the ground, with white lacy trim. Some subtle embroidery breaks the otherwise bleak fabric into a beautiful design. "What do you think?" Aurora asks, a smile rising on her tone. I make eye contact with the mare my eyes were revealed to, "She's beau-" I notice her mouth silently moving in time with mine before I realize that I'm looking into a mirror, "Aurora... Thank you..." "I'll do anything I can for you, Aria. If that includes giving you a makeover to help you look like the pony you want to be, I'm more than happy to do that." She puts her hooves around me in another hug. My processes aren't all active, and they seem more stable than usual. For the first time ever, at least since before I can remember, I feel good, I feel normal. I'm at peace with this feeling. Not only is it pleasant, it feels right. I return Aurora's embrace and try not to shed tears, even happy tears, into her shoulder, as it would surely undo her work. Author's Note This is far more like the events that took place here in my original vision for Aria, and I think this has more weight to it. I think my time studying some plot and storytelling methods is enabling me to better write fiction in the way I dream to. Thank you for reading, and thank you, those of you who have been positive. After this chapter, I might start doing chapters inspired off of music I like... Burning OutI look at the progress I've recorded on my current game development project, and it's not great. I just haven't been motivated lately, the inspiration isn't coming to me. I sigh as I open the open source image software choice of the day and stare at a blank project for an unknown amount of time. Have I been starring for seconds, or hours? I'm really not sure. Suddenly, my phone rings, breaking me out of my trance. When I levitate it into view, I see Aurora's name on the caller ID. "Hey Aria, how are you?" The chipper voice of my friend calls into my ear. I sigh and let out an emotionless, "I'm alright." "Wanna come and visit the cafe and hang out?" She suggests. I blink and make a face as if Aurora can see me, "Is that allowed?" "Well, I don't see anything in the rulebook saying I can't socialize with customers I happen to know." She giggles slightly. I shake my head, again, not considering the fact that my friend can't see me, "You know I'm broke." "I'll cover your tab!" She enthusiastically blurts the words out. I let out a soft chuckle, "You're really trying to get this to work, aren't you?" "Come see me, I'm bored! The cafe is dead right now!" She nagged. I sighed again, "Do you suggest I walk?" "You've been working on that truck for months!" She exclaims. I groan, "It doesn't even have a battery!" "Fine, I can call you a hoofer." The mare relents. I raise an eyebrow, "A what now?" "Basically a taxi through the internet, see you in a little bit!" She hangs up enthusiastically. Before meeting Aurora, I was honestly unaware of the concept of hanging up a phone enthusiastically, especially to the extent that the other pony on the phone can feel the positivity even as the call ends, but Aurora is an impressively upbeat pony. I step outside my house and stand around, looking around and feeling dumb. I don't know if I need to be doing anything, or how I need to be presenting myself, but I assume a hoofer just drives up and picks up passengers. Sure enough, a sedan drives up and the window rolls down, revealing a Stallion, "Hoofer for Aria?" I nod as I awkwardly walk up and get in the car. As we start to set off, my processes seem to go haywire. I don't know this pony, I don't even know their name. Why did I just step into their car? Is something going to happen to me? Am I about to- "Is this your first time riding with hoofer?" Asks the driver. I look at the stallion's eyes through the rear view mirror, "I-I... umm..." "I'll take that as a yes." He flashes me a warm smile, putting me at ease. I nod in response. "What's your name?" He asks, casually. I start to relax a little more and let out a squeak that sounds like my name, "Aria..." "It's nice to meet you, Aria. I'm Watcher." He chuckles, taking another glance at my blushing face. I stutter a bit, "H-how long..." "How long have I been driving for hoofer? About three months now, it's not a lot, but it gets me a little bit of income on the side." He kindly responds. We pull up to the cafe, and Watcher levitates a card with his name and phone number on it, "I'm not supposed to give these out on the job, but you're really cute, and I was wondering if you want to maybe get coffee sometime." "M-maybe." I gently take the card and stuff it in my hoodie pocket. Aurora raises an eyebrow at me as I walk into the cafe, "Aria, do my eyes deceive me? Were you hitting on that stallion who drove you?" "I didn't mean to!" I frantically declare. She laughs, "It's okay, I'm glad you're at least making an effort now. And look at that, you even got his number." "His name is Watcher. He seems nice and all, but I don't know him at all, aside from that he's a hoofer driver." I fiddle with the card in my pocket, using my magic. She makes eye contact, "You know the best way to get to know somepony who just asked you out?" "Aurora, no. I know what you're thinking. Please don't." I plead as she steps out from behind the counter and makes her way to the front door, knocking on the window of the stallion starring at his phone, likely for another passenger. I look down at the extremely clean floor, "Why are you like this?" Aurora and Watcher walk in, and watcher sits down at a table near the front window. Aurora nudges me slightly, and I just stare. My friend just screwed me over, I can't handle social situations, not yet. This isn't what I'm cut out for. Somepony help me, I need an adult! I feel a small piece of paper hit me from the left side, and I look up and realize Aurora has blown the wrapping from a straw at me. "Sit with him!" She eagerly mouths at me. I roll my eyes, muttering to myself about how much of a desperate shipper my friend is as I make my way to the table. When I sit down, I make direct eye contact and exchange smiles with Watcher. He has deep blue eyes I could just get lost in if I looked for too long. He scratches the back of his head with his hoof awkwardly, "Have you ever done this before? Because I sure haven't." "Oh, good, so there's no way I can screw this up any worse than your other dates." I giggle slightly. He smiles again, a wonderful, glowing smile, "You're doing fine so far." "It's just a happy accident, I have no idea what I'm doing." I sigh. He lets out a laugh, "Well, tell me about yourself, Aria." "Well, I have no idea where to start..." I look at Aurora, whose gaze is intently set on the two of us, "I'm trans..." He looks at me thoughtfully, "That's actually really surprising, your transition is going really well, unless of course you're trans male." "Oh you're just being nice, I haven't even started my transition, there isn't a speck of femininity in my looks." I push off his compliment. He shakes his head, "No ma'am, you could've fooled me, I thought you were physically female when you stepped into my car." "It's true, you do look pretty cute, here, have coffees, on me." Aurora sets cups on saucers on our table casually. "Thank you, miss." Watcher cordially nods at my friend, as she walks back to the kitchen of the restaurant. I make eye contact with the stallion again, "I'm also an indie game designer." "Seriously!? I love games!" His eyes widen in surprise. I let a smile peak on the corners of my mouth, the first genuine one I've had in a long time, "So what do you do aside from hoofer?" "I'm a freelance author, and my first official book just hit store shelves early this month. It's a little romance about two ponies who sometimes switch lives." He acts as if his publication is no big deal. My eyebrows raise almost involuntarily, "Your Acquaintance? I just finished that book last week, I loved it!" We talk and talk late into the afternoon, all the while, Aurora keeps an eye on us when she can. She still stays attendant to customers, mind you, she doesn't set out to get fired. "So what's the next step in your game's story?" Watcher utters the dreaded question relating to my game design. I sigh as I look out the window, "I don't know. I'm not really feeling that motivated to continue, I guess." "Well, I love what you're doing so far, and it seems like positive reinforcement is helpful whether it gets rid of your writer's block or not." He replies. I look back at him, "I really like you." "I really like you too." He smiles warmly again. Aurora, cleaning off a table calls to us, "Well don't stop there!" "I think I love you." I giggle as I half give into the pressure of my friend and half admit my first real positive feeling towards somepony else in a while. He makes eye contact with me, "Wanna do this again sometime?" "I wanna do this again all the time." I say softly. He chuckles, "I like that idea." We both get closer in on the table and lean towards each other for a kiss. Unfortunately, the wideness of the table doesn't permit our actions, and we each awkwardly lean back into natural positions. Perhaps this isn't the most ideal location for this moment. "Do you want me to run you home?" He asks me, calmly. I smile at him, "Can you stay there with me for a little?" "Of course I can." He stands up from his seat. On the way home, a question occurs to me, "So are we official?" "Oh definitely, yes." He confirms. I begin to feel nauseous as I think about the potential reaction from my parents, "One more thing though..." "What is it?" He asks. I resist crying, "My parents don't know I'm trans, so we'll have to act like just friends around them." "That's okay, we can seem completely platonic around them. No big deal." He picks up on the tone in my voice. I breathe a sigh of relief as we pull into the driveway and next to the shed. We get out and walk to the doors. He looks at me, "Okay, let's try this again... I love you." "I love you too." I reply, getting hopelessly lost in his eyes. We lean in closely and I feel our lips connect. I reel back afterwards to look at his face again. It's not until now that I realize he smells faintly like roses, a scent I've always enjoyed. I back up and open the doors of the shed and levitate my tools out, knowing that the moment is soon to be ruined anyway. Speak of Cerberus, my dad walks out of the house and to us, "Made a new friend I see, what's his name?" "I'm Watcher, an indie author he met up with today." He looks at my dad. My dad smiles approvingly, "You're the one who wrote that romance Aria likes so much." "That's the one." Watcher casually confirms. The two make eye contact, "Maybe you can help him out with his game story, he's been struggling a lot lately with it." "We were just talking about that, yeah." Watcher informs. He nods to Watcher, "Then I'll leave you to that. Hope you come up with something soon." "He doesn't seem so bad." Watcher says as my dad enters the house. I tighten the last spark plug, "He's not, it's just that one anti-me part that gets me. He seems to feel like straight and in the right body are the only ways ponies can be." "Has he been told otherwise?" Asks the stallion. I shrug, "Not by me, I don't know about others though. I've seen him criticizing trans ponies that appear in the media thought. I just feel like it's best that he doesn't know for now." "He has to find out eventually." Watcher points out. I sigh, "I know, but I'm waiting until I'm not living with them anymore. I don't want to practically live in Tartarus, and that's how it would be if he found out." "Okay." Watcher relents, helping me put my tools away. I open the door and retrieve my car battery, placing it in the compartment in the hood and tightening the terminals on it. I get in the driver's seat and turn the key, internally praying to Celestia that it'll finally start. Unsurprisingly, the vehicle doesn't make much of a sound. I open my eyes, noticing that the fuel gauge is showing an empty tank. I look at Watcher, "Do you think we could get my gas can filled?" He shrugs, "I don't see why not." I picked up my gas can and proceeded to my emergency money stash in the old safe, grabbing enough for gas. We proceeded to the nearest station, where I filled up the can. "You know, you could come live with me, then you'd be away from your parents." Watcher suggested. I smiled softly at him, "I just met you, let's give it some time before I move in with you, okay?" "That's understandable, but I just really wanna help, you know?" He said. I capped the gas can, "Thank you, Watcher, if it's meant to be, we'll live together soon, I promise." "That's good enough for me." We proceeded into the convenience store where I paid for the gas. When I fueled up the truck, it took a few tries, but I managed to get it to start, finally. Watcher bid me farewell for the night, and went on home, leaving me to my parents. The day had helped me a lot, I had ideas like I once did again. Overall, things seem to be improving some. Author's Note I'm so sorry I took so long with this one, I was just so unmotivated on writing for this long, and when I've had ideas and inspiration, I've just been so busy. Because I've been out of it, this chapter is just a simple idea I came up with, but I think it turned out nice.
Who am I?"What exactly goes on in that head of yours?" I've been asked the rhetorical question more times than I can count in a single day, maybe even more than a week. Not that it isn't a valid question, in fact, I would also appreciate knowing exactly what my thoughts are on any given situation. The activity that occurs in my brain isn't particularly evident to me. It tends to change completely at a moments notice. There are few times when I can keep my mind consistently focused on one single thing, one single feeling, or one single process. The rest of the time, it seems like all of the processes are on, or all the processes are off. I would say that there is no in-between, but there are far too many of the described processes to tell. I lose track of them before even scratching the surface of my mind. I wonder what a more exceptional mind is like. Are their processes even more out of control than mine? Or do they have the mental capacity to keep the processes under control, turning off the current unnecessary processes and activating the appropriate ones depending on the current situation, whatever it happens to be? Perhaps that is exactly why more exceptional ponies are more exceptional: they have a grip on their processes and are therefore more efficient units. What are these processes I'm referring to? Thoughts, feelings, memories, and emotions. The fabric of what makes us sentient. What my processes do is hard to explain, but I can attempt to offer my best insight into what's inside my head. Sometimes, I feel everything. All emotions, all at once. Sadness, happiness, anger, fear, love, hatred, pride, despair, and many more that I cannot explain the meaning of. These emotions seem to kick themselves on and off as they please, only mildly influenced by the outside world. Only when I'm drawing, writing, coding, designing, or gaming does my mind seem to want to cooperate with situations. Give or take a few activities. Most of the time, I can shut my emotions away and fake normalcy well enough to blend in. Many ponies believe my way of life to be mentally unhealthy, but it's not like I started life stable. I've been a very large engine in a glass shop with nothing pinning me down, simply waiting for somepony to start me, to let me shake around and shatter the world around me, whether I like it or not. Sometimes, I feel nothing. On occasion, all of my processes flip themselves off, not caring to start themselves again. I'm left with cold, dark, emotionless nothingness. If speaking in the same manner as my glass shop analogy, I would be a raven's feather, sitting on the counter: ragged, dark, motionless, and completely harmless. In this state, I do not feel, and I do not make others feel. It makes me unwelcoming and unfriendly. My one friend tends to compare me to an alien, not experiencing emotion like the inhabitants of Equestria do. I suppose there isn't truly any point where I don't feel anything. There is a feeling that seems to always be there to haunt me. It keeps a death-like grip on me, making me feel trapped within my body and mind. My soul itself feels constricted and weak. I am powerless against this hungry monster that plagues me. This feeling is commonly known as gender dysphoria. If I were originally placed within a female body, complete with all the accessories, maybe I wouldn't feel so out of place in my own skin. Though maybe if I had never been given these feelings, I would never care whether I was in a male or female body. Regardless of the possible alternate outcomes of my birth, here I am now, living, breathing, and miserable. And who am I? "Aria!" A mare's voice worriedly pleads me to snap back to the world. I stutter as I look into her eyes, "A-Aurora, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. Did I do it again?" "Oh, thank Celestia you're okay. I thought you were having a neurological event!" Aurora exclaimed. I shake my head and continue walking down the sidewalk, "Aurora, my brain practically IS a neurological event. It's just always going on." "Aria? Are you sure you're okay? Do you need to talk about something?" The mare flashes me a concerned expression as she matches pace next to me. I sigh, looking at the cement ground, "I always need to talk about something, you know that." "I guess the question is, will you?" Her tone flattens, displaying an air of disappointment. I make eye contact with Aurora as we stop at her car, "I thought of a new game idea." The mare's forehead wrinkles as her visual concern shifts to frustration. She walks around to the driver's side door and levitates her keys out to unlock the vehicle. Once inside, she unlocks the passenger side door and I get in. "I'm sorry, Aurora. I just can't bring myself to talk about it. I don't know how you'll react. So please promise me something. We're still friends after I tell you, okay?" I wipe a tear away from my eye. The mare sighs, "Aria, you know you can tell me anything and we'll still be friends. Do you think I would leave you if you told me something weird? News flash: Aria is a social outcast who hangs out with another social outcast." "I'm transgender." I push the hardest words I've ever verbally said to somepony else out of my mouth, wishing I had a magic spell to turn back time to just before I said it. The mare's expression softens, "Aria, you thought you were going to lose me over that?" "Uh-huh" I utter the sound through my dry throat as I feel my tear ducts give way. There isn't any stopping it now; I'm bawling next to my only friend because I just told her who exactly I am. She leans over the center section between the car seats and wraps her front hooves around me, "There's no need to cry, Aria. I'll accept you. Please stop crying." "O-Okay..." I say through my tears, sniffing from the mucus buildup. As Aurora backs away from the embrace, she levitates a box of tissues into my lap from the back seat. I use my own magic to remove a tissue and blow my nose, repeating several times until my nose is finally unclogged. All the while, my best and only friend is sitting and patiently waiting for me. She softly offers an empathetic smile, "Are you okay now?" "Well, I'm better. There's a lot more that I probably should talk about, but I don't think you have enough tissues." I say, flatly. Aurora levitates the tissue box back, "It's okay, we don't have to talk about it this time." The mare magically puts the key in the ignition and turns it, starting the car, proceeding to begin to drive to my house, where I'm still living with my parents. I watch the buildings of Canterlot fly lazily past. I've only seen pictures of what it had originally looked like. The city was far prettier back then. Buildings were crafted from beautiful smooth materials, accented with gold. The fountain in town square is still there, if in disrepair. At least we have the castle still close to its stunning original shape, but everything else has been rebuilt using dark red, uninteresting bricks and grey cement. Maybe I would like my life a little more if I weren't living in this generation, full of "change" ponies think is good. As we get to the outskirts of the city, we get to a more wooded area full of nature, something I can agree with. While it's moved and grown a lot, it hasn't changed in centuries. The wilderness is beautiful to me. If only other ponies agreed with me. Then again, I kind of enjoy the lack of neighbors. We pull into the driveway, making our way around the back of the house to an abandoned shed that came with the house. Years prior, I had found an old pickup truck under a tarp which my dad helped me learn about, and this year, I had begun to work on it, so maybe I could put my driver's license to use. I could probably find a smartphone powered taxi service that would let me use an old crew cab. I place my new alternator in the hood and fasten it on with nuts. Slowly but surely, I've been making this vehicle usable. The parts I could salvage are cleaned and applied, and I've sold everything else to buy more parts. My one pony game design studio barely covers what else I need. Good thing my parents aren't charging me rent. "Hey, son!" My dad exclaims from the end of the shed closer to the house. The unexpected interaction startles me into letting my magic let off, dropping my wrench, "O-Oh! Hey dad..." "Why so nervous? Aria, do you have something to hide?" He makes eye contact with me as he walks to the front of the truck. My eyes widen as my heart sinks, dreading what he could possibly be about to tell me, "Well, I-" "Ah, I'm just kidding. Don't be so timid!" He laughs. Aurora saves the day by confidentiality stepping into the situation, "Hello, Mr. Melody." "Aria! You sly dog! She's beautiful!" My dad smiles at me. I stammer, "Well, I'm... she's not... I'm not..." "I apologize, Mr. Melody, Aria and I are not in a relationship. We're just friends." Aurora saves my life once again. The stallion smirks, "My wife and I started as 'just friends' but the magic of friendship brought us together and, well, we-" "Thank you, dad. Love you too. Please, can I, you know?" I tap on the side of the truck. My dad laughs again, "Yeah, I know you're working hard, or hardly working, if you know what I mean." Once my dad disappears back inside the house, I lay my head down on the front fender, facing downward. I thought he would never leave. I love him and all, but I did not need to see him right now. "Thank you." My appreciation is slightly muffled from my position, but is still heard. Aurora chuckles, "That stallion is the overbearing dad I've heard so much about, I take it?" "Yup." I confirm as I lift my head up. She smiles, "It could be worse." Author's Note From this chapter alone, I'm way happier with this story than I am with Aria. The characters are quite a bit more natural and dynamic, and Aria herself has a unique personality, and this far more accurately depicts a transgender person and expresses my own thoughts.
Awareness"Do your parents know?" Aurora thoughtfully sips her coffee as I wrench on my truck. I don't want to answer her question, so I dodge it, "It's nice this morning, isn't it?" "I asked you a question, Aria." She scolds me, prying for an answer. I remain silent as I finish installing the timing belt. I really don't want to talk about my issues. Maybe I should've stayed quiet about my situation. Although it's still nice to have somepony to help me bear the burden. It was like being thrown into Tartarus to deal with it alone. I had no one to- Aurora breaks my thought with a sharp smack of a hoof against the sheet metal against the front passenger side fender, "Snap out of it." "No, they don't know." I emotionlessly say as I tighten the belt tensioner. She looks down at me from the top of the opened engine compartment, "When do you plan to tell them?" "Are you kidding? They'd disown me." I glare as I roll out from under the truck. The mare walks around to face me, "No they wouldn't, they love you." "They love male Aria. They love a stallion that doesn't exist, they don't love me. They don't even know me." I frustratedly brush the dust off myself. My friend sighs and shakes her head, "How do you know that they wouldn't love you if they did know you?" "I know, okay?" I toss my adjustable wrench in my toolbox, closing the lid with a burst of magic. She frowns, "Maybe you wouldn't be so miserable if you didn't just assume everypony is going to hate you. I didn't start hating you when you told me." "I know what they think of transgender ponies. I really don't want them to think of me that way." I wipe away a tear. Aurora puts her front legs around me, "Aria, don't cry again, please. It's okay, I promise." "I hate living. Why couldn't I have been put on this world normal? I wouldn't even mind if I was stupid. I just hate living like this." I let my tears gush out. The mare strokes my head, "It'll be okay, I know you, and you'll work through this, you always work through things." "I've been trying to for over eighteen years, Aurora!" I exclaim as I push the mare away. Her eyes well up with tears, "I was just trying to help, Aria. I only want you to feel better..." "Then help me! You're good with magic, right?! Make me a mare, physically! Help me, Aurora, help!" I pause after I scream, widening my eyes in shock of what I just said. I run outside the shed, roughly sitting down against the Eastern wall and sobbing. I know Aurora is angry at me, and probably won't speak to me for at least a week. That's what I get for letting my big dumb mouth run. Why would I say that to her? She didn't make me this way. I wipe the tears from my eyes as I prepare myself to confront the situation I just started. This isn't going to be easy. I swallow a lump in my throat as I gently step back in the shed, "Aurora, I'm sorry..." "No, it's fine. I should've left it." She responds, flatly. There's a few moments of cold silence between us before Aurora's voice shatters it with the most repetitive, most predictable question I know, "What exactly goes on in that head of yours?" "I-I..." I stutter, trying to find a proper response, as every process within my mind shuts down immediately, leaving me completely, utterly speechless. Aurora's eyes meet mine, "Aria, I didn't mean to..." "I started it." I coldly say, in my state of emotionless conversational calculation. Aurora hugs me, jumpstarting my brain again and causing me to erupt into tears, "I can't imagine what you're going through, but I'm here. Always remember that. I can't do everything for you, but I will do anything and everything I can if you need me to." "I can't ask that of you, Aurora... I don't want to be a bother." I say, letting my tears completely loose as I gingerly return the embrace. The mare tightens her grip, "Then don't ask, just let me do it all for you. I want to, for my best friend... my only friend." "Thank you. Thank you so much." I say with a quivering voice, sniffing up the buildup in my nostrils, not relenting my grip, even after Aurora's hooves return to the ground. My friend physically pushes out of my hooves to look at me face to face, "The first thing I can do for you happens to be a surprise, at my house." "What is it?" I ask, ignoring my thoughts. She smirks, "You DO know what a surprise is, right?" I am coaxed into Aurora's car's passenger seat as she gets in on the other side. The trees seem more colorful as they go by on the ride to my friend's home. She puts a hoof over my eyes when we arrived, telling me to not open them until she says it's okay. I'm afraid of uncertainty, but I go along with the mystery even still. I feel her quietly guide me up the steps to her second floor apartment. On occasion, one of my hooves slips, but my friend is there to keep me upright. Now that I think of it, she's always been with me, she's always been there for me. From our senior year, when me met, I remember her stepping in when a few stallions had cornered me in the hall. We both got beat up that day, but she was always looking at the bright side, even though we were battered and bruised. I wish I could be that optimistic, but unfortunately, I can't find the spark of positivity within me that keeps her going. Maybe I'm just not meant to be happy like her. I feel her take me onto a more flat floor as we step inside the apartment. "Almost here. But I still don't want you opening your eyes." I hear Aurora say. I feel us stop as another door opens. I'm not exactly sure were we are, but I know we're in the apartment, although that knowledge is admittedly vague. I feel fabric being pulled around me, a soft, silky material. Surprised at the feeling, I twitch a little, hearing a slight chuckle coming from my dear friend. The next thing I feel is a zipper along my back. I think Aurora just put a clothing item on me, though I'm not sure what it is. I then start feeling bristles on my face, rubbing in alternating directions. Once that's done, I feel something touch my lips, gently moving all around. Something drags on my eyelashes, surprising me once again. There's silence for a few moments with no interaction between us before I hear Aurora's voice coming out of the darkness, "Okay, you can open your eyes." I open my eyes to see a mare I've never seen before. She has lush eyelashes, and an overall beautiful face. Her lips have a slight gloss to them, enough to make them smooth and shiny. Her mane is smooth and organized. The dress she's wearing is a bright blue, matching her fur, only made of a silky material, and the skirt sweeps to the ground, with white lacy trim. Some subtle embroidery breaks the otherwise bleak fabric into a beautiful design. "What do you think?" Aurora asks, a smile rising on her tone. I make eye contact with the mare my eyes were revealed to, "She's beau-" I notice her mouth silently moving in time with mine before I realize that I'm looking into a mirror, "Aurora... Thank you..." "I'll do anything I can for you, Aria. If that includes giving you a makeover to help you look like the pony you want to be, I'm more than happy to do that." She puts her hooves around me in another hug. My processes aren't all active, and they seem more stable than usual. For the first time ever, at least since before I can remember, I feel good, I feel normal. I'm at peace with this feeling. Not only is it pleasant, it feels right. I return Aurora's embrace and try not to shed tears, even happy tears, into her shoulder, as it would surely undo her work. Author's Note This is far more like the events that took place here in my original vision for Aria, and I think this has more weight to it. I think my time studying some plot and storytelling methods is enabling me to better write fiction in the way I dream to. Thank you for reading, and thank you, those of you who have been positive. After this chapter, I might start doing chapters inspired off of music I like...
Burning OutI look at the progress I've recorded on my current game development project, and it's not great. I just haven't been motivated lately, the inspiration isn't coming to me. I sigh as I open the open source image software choice of the day and stare at a blank project for an unknown amount of time. Have I been starring for seconds, or hours? I'm really not sure. Suddenly, my phone rings, breaking me out of my trance. When I levitate it into view, I see Aurora's name on the caller ID. "Hey Aria, how are you?" The chipper voice of my friend calls into my ear. I sigh and let out an emotionless, "I'm alright." "Wanna come and visit the cafe and hang out?" She suggests. I blink and make a face as if Aurora can see me, "Is that allowed?" "Well, I don't see anything in the rulebook saying I can't socialize with customers I happen to know." She giggles slightly. I shake my head, again, not considering the fact that my friend can't see me, "You know I'm broke." "I'll cover your tab!" She enthusiastically blurts the words out. I let out a soft chuckle, "You're really trying to get this to work, aren't you?" "Come see me, I'm bored! The cafe is dead right now!" She nagged. I sighed again, "Do you suggest I walk?" "You've been working on that truck for months!" She exclaims. I groan, "It doesn't even have a battery!" "Fine, I can call you a hoofer." The mare relents. I raise an eyebrow, "A what now?" "Basically a taxi through the internet, see you in a little bit!" She hangs up enthusiastically. Before meeting Aurora, I was honestly unaware of the concept of hanging up a phone enthusiastically, especially to the extent that the other pony on the phone can feel the positivity even as the call ends, but Aurora is an impressively upbeat pony. I step outside my house and stand around, looking around and feeling dumb. I don't know if I need to be doing anything, or how I need to be presenting myself, but I assume a hoofer just drives up and picks up passengers. Sure enough, a sedan drives up and the window rolls down, revealing a Stallion, "Hoofer for Aria?" I nod as I awkwardly walk up and get in the car. As we start to set off, my processes seem to go haywire. I don't know this pony, I don't even know their name. Why did I just step into their car? Is something going to happen to me? Am I about to- "Is this your first time riding with hoofer?" Asks the driver. I look at the stallion's eyes through the rear view mirror, "I-I... umm..." "I'll take that as a yes." He flashes me a warm smile, putting me at ease. I nod in response. "What's your name?" He asks, casually. I start to relax a little more and let out a squeak that sounds like my name, "Aria..." "It's nice to meet you, Aria. I'm Watcher." He chuckles, taking another glance at my blushing face. I stutter a bit, "H-how long..." "How long have I been driving for hoofer? About three months now, it's not a lot, but it gets me a little bit of income on the side." He kindly responds. We pull up to the cafe, and Watcher levitates a card with his name and phone number on it, "I'm not supposed to give these out on the job, but you're really cute, and I was wondering if you want to maybe get coffee sometime." "M-maybe." I gently take the card and stuff it in my hoodie pocket. Aurora raises an eyebrow at me as I walk into the cafe, "Aria, do my eyes deceive me? Were you hitting on that stallion who drove you?" "I didn't mean to!" I frantically declare. She laughs, "It's okay, I'm glad you're at least making an effort now. And look at that, you even got his number." "His name is Watcher. He seems nice and all, but I don't know him at all, aside from that he's a hoofer driver." I fiddle with the card in my pocket, using my magic. She makes eye contact, "You know the best way to get to know somepony who just asked you out?" "Aurora, no. I know what you're thinking. Please don't." I plead as she steps out from behind the counter and makes her way to the front door, knocking on the window of the stallion starring at his phone, likely for another passenger. I look down at the extremely clean floor, "Why are you like this?" Aurora and Watcher walk in, and watcher sits down at a table near the front window. Aurora nudges me slightly, and I just stare. My friend just screwed me over, I can't handle social situations, not yet. This isn't what I'm cut out for. Somepony help me, I need an adult! I feel a small piece of paper hit me from the left side, and I look up and realize Aurora has blown the wrapping from a straw at me. "Sit with him!" She eagerly mouths at me. I roll my eyes, muttering to myself about how much of a desperate shipper my friend is as I make my way to the table. When I sit down, I make direct eye contact and exchange smiles with Watcher. He has deep blue eyes I could just get lost in if I looked for too long. He scratches the back of his head with his hoof awkwardly, "Have you ever done this before? Because I sure haven't." "Oh, good, so there's no way I can screw this up any worse than your other dates." I giggle slightly. He smiles again, a wonderful, glowing smile, "You're doing fine so far." "It's just a happy accident, I have no idea what I'm doing." I sigh. He lets out a laugh, "Well, tell me about yourself, Aria." "Well, I have no idea where to start..." I look at Aurora, whose gaze is intently set on the two of us, "I'm trans..." He looks at me thoughtfully, "That's actually really surprising, your transition is going really well, unless of course you're trans male." "Oh you're just being nice, I haven't even started my transition, there isn't a speck of femininity in my looks." I push off his compliment. He shakes his head, "No ma'am, you could've fooled me, I thought you were physically female when you stepped into my car." "It's true, you do look pretty cute, here, have coffees, on me." Aurora sets cups on saucers on our table casually. "Thank you, miss." Watcher cordially nods at my friend, as she walks back to the kitchen of the restaurant. I make eye contact with the stallion again, "I'm also an indie game designer." "Seriously!? I love games!" His eyes widen in surprise. I let a smile peak on the corners of my mouth, the first genuine one I've had in a long time, "So what do you do aside from hoofer?" "I'm a freelance author, and my first official book just hit store shelves early this month. It's a little romance about two ponies who sometimes switch lives." He acts as if his publication is no big deal. My eyebrows raise almost involuntarily, "Your Acquaintance? I just finished that book last week, I loved it!" We talk and talk late into the afternoon, all the while, Aurora keeps an eye on us when she can. She still stays attendant to customers, mind you, she doesn't set out to get fired. "So what's the next step in your game's story?" Watcher utters the dreaded question relating to my game design. I sigh as I look out the window, "I don't know. I'm not really feeling that motivated to continue, I guess." "Well, I love what you're doing so far, and it seems like positive reinforcement is helpful whether it gets rid of your writer's block or not." He replies. I look back at him, "I really like you." "I really like you too." He smiles warmly again. Aurora, cleaning off a table calls to us, "Well don't stop there!" "I think I love you." I giggle as I half give into the pressure of my friend and half admit my first real positive feeling towards somepony else in a while. He makes eye contact with me, "Wanna do this again sometime?" "I wanna do this again all the time." I say softly. He chuckles, "I like that idea." We both get closer in on the table and lean towards each other for a kiss. Unfortunately, the wideness of the table doesn't permit our actions, and we each awkwardly lean back into natural positions. Perhaps this isn't the most ideal location for this moment. "Do you want me to run you home?" He asks me, calmly. I smile at him, "Can you stay there with me for a little?" "Of course I can." He stands up from his seat. On the way home, a question occurs to me, "So are we official?" "Oh definitely, yes." He confirms. I begin to feel nauseous as I think about the potential reaction from my parents, "One more thing though..." "What is it?" He asks. I resist crying, "My parents don't know I'm trans, so we'll have to act like just friends around them." "That's okay, we can seem completely platonic around them. No big deal." He picks up on the tone in my voice. I breathe a sigh of relief as we pull into the driveway and next to the shed. We get out and walk to the doors. He looks at me, "Okay, let's try this again... I love you." "I love you too." I reply, getting hopelessly lost in his eyes. We lean in closely and I feel our lips connect. I reel back afterwards to look at his face again. It's not until now that I realize he smells faintly like roses, a scent I've always enjoyed. I back up and open the doors of the shed and levitate my tools out, knowing that the moment is soon to be ruined anyway. Speak of Cerberus, my dad walks out of the house and to us, "Made a new friend I see, what's his name?" "I'm Watcher, an indie author he met up with today." He looks at my dad. My dad smiles approvingly, "You're the one who wrote that romance Aria likes so much." "That's the one." Watcher casually confirms. The two make eye contact, "Maybe you can help him out with his game story, he's been struggling a lot lately with it." "We were just talking about that, yeah." Watcher informs. He nods to Watcher, "Then I'll leave you to that. Hope you come up with something soon." "He doesn't seem so bad." Watcher says as my dad enters the house. I tighten the last spark plug, "He's not, it's just that one anti-me part that gets me. He seems to feel like straight and in the right body are the only ways ponies can be." "Has he been told otherwise?" Asks the stallion. I shrug, "Not by me, I don't know about others though. I've seen him criticizing trans ponies that appear in the media thought. I just feel like it's best that he doesn't know for now." "He has to find out eventually." Watcher points out. I sigh, "I know, but I'm waiting until I'm not living with them anymore. I don't want to practically live in Tartarus, and that's how it would be if he found out." "Okay." Watcher relents, helping me put my tools away. I open the door and retrieve my car battery, placing it in the compartment in the hood and tightening the terminals on it. I get in the driver's seat and turn the key, internally praying to Celestia that it'll finally start. Unsurprisingly, the vehicle doesn't make much of a sound. I open my eyes, noticing that the fuel gauge is showing an empty tank. I look at Watcher, "Do you think we could get my gas can filled?" He shrugs, "I don't see why not." I picked up my gas can and proceeded to my emergency money stash in the old safe, grabbing enough for gas. We proceeded to the nearest station, where I filled up the can. "You know, you could come live with me, then you'd be away from your parents." Watcher suggested. I smiled softly at him, "I just met you, let's give it some time before I move in with you, okay?" "That's understandable, but I just really wanna help, you know?" He said. I capped the gas can, "Thank you, Watcher, if it's meant to be, we'll live together soon, I promise." "That's good enough for me." We proceeded into the convenience store where I paid for the gas. When I fueled up the truck, it took a few tries, but I managed to get it to start, finally. Watcher bid me farewell for the night, and went on home, leaving me to my parents. The day had helped me a lot, I had ideas like I once did again. Overall, things seem to be improving some. Author's Note I'm so sorry I took so long with this one, I was just so unmotivated on writing for this long, and when I've had ideas and inspiration, I've just been so busy. Because I've been out of it, this chapter is just a simple idea I came up with, but I think it turned out nice.
