"I knew it." "I knew they didn't care for me." "Just like them."
You pace back and forth with a feeling of numbness and poorly choked back tears.
The ballroom door opens.
You look up instantly to see them.
They walk as if...they're fine. Everything in their life is perfect even though you knew them at one point in their life when they were suffering. They didn't mention your name out there. You were just another mere pony in the crowd.
They came closer to where you were. You felt so hateful but you knew in your heart you could never stand up to the people you hate so easily...at least not like how you thought. You always assumed you could do it if you were pushed to that limit, but unfourtunetly no one was pushing you that far like many years before.
You felt so embarassed. You turned in shame from how much of a mess you felt, looked, and made. Crying, eyes probably red, and the mucus running from your nose. You even got it on your outfit by trying to hide it and to prevent it from becoming an even bigger mess.
You were so broken. For years you have been, even when you were trying so hard to become better than this. No matter how much you wanted to, in the back of your mind you knew you could never overcome this grudge against those who's done this to you.
"No." You thought to yourself. "I've let so many of them get away with this. I won't let this one slip away from me. I don't care how much their words hurt, the satisfaction will overcome it." You attempted to clean yourself up the best you could with your sleeve and quickly walked towards them. Fear was overwhelming you but you wouldn't let it. Not this time.
"H-hey!" They stop and turn towards you. Your heart thumps and thumps with fear but you don't want to let such an opportunity to go to waste.
"Yes?"
You're frozen with fear but you manage to give out a delayed response.
"Why...why didn't you mention me?"
They give a puzzled look. "What?"
A sudden feel of anger pumped through your body at once.
"Oh...now I remember. Summer."
"Have you seriously forgotten your own friend?" every response you receive makes you angrier.
"I haven't forgotten you." "It's just that-"
"It's just what?" the hate grew stronger...all the hate and greif that's been inside you for years that you tried to get out. Tried run away from, to forget. It's all finally coming out. But you couldn't run away or forget because...
"You don't care about me? You wouldn't be the first. Go ahead, don't mention the pony that had all those laughs with you, that tried to help you when you were sad, the one that was suffering while trying to find who they were while still trying to be a good friend!"
They leaned back in shock from your sudden burst of anger. "Summer, what is the matter with you? Calm do-" They were abruptly interrupted by your wrath.
"The only thing wrong with me is that people like you always put me to the sidelines when you don't care for me anymore! No matter how much I did for you you all treat me like I was nothing more than a stress toy to get your feelings out on! You mention Marsh Mellow but not me! Marsh Mellow and I helped you, yet you think my help was somehow nothing compared to his!"
The hate was overflowing at this point. To the point you started to choke back tears again.
"That's not how it is at all, just listen to me."
"Quit sugarcoating how you truly feel. You haven't talked to me in ages, no matter how many times I tried to reach out to you all you did was ignore me like I wasn't there! You don't care about me, go ahead say it!"
It seemed like you were finally going to win at least one battle. Even if it wasn't with all of them, one of them would mean great satisfaction and one less to free you from this pain.
"You want me to be real with you? Fine. You did nothing to help me. I tried to help YOU in your time of need but you ignored me. Even when you weren't upset about something and I said anything you'd snap at me for some reason out of nowhere!"
You took a step back. You tried to respond but now you were feeling their wrath.
"That's not...that was a misunderstanding. And I did try to help you, you remember right? Your girlfriend?"
You knew he was right. You thought about these things long before this night. You were just too afraidto admit it. Guilt soon started to wash over the hate.
"A misunderstanding huh? Fine, that's understandable. Those were misunderstandings and you thought too deep about it. But what about my girlfriend? You tried to help but then suddenly just walked away like it wasn't your problem anymore. When she was being attacked by some jerk for the same situation you were in! That both Marsh Mellow and I helped you with! Yet you're mad at me for not mentioning you? How stubborn do you have to be?"
...Stubborn. That's the answer as to why you couldn't escape or forget this pain and hate. Why you hated yourself and still do.
"I..." You almost couldn't respond. "I-i'm sorry..."
The guilt and pain were overwhelming.
"So yeah. Blame me and make it seem like i'm the one to blame for everything. Now turn the knife counter clockwise."
With an angered look on their face, they turned around and walked away. Leaving you in the middle of the hallway. As soon as they left, the tears started to flow down your face. You thought you were finally going to win a battle...finally be strong to rid of at least one but no. You made it worse upon yourself. How pathetic you felt over something like that, your self hate grew.
In the back of your mind you thought "it was just a mistake...I knew these things before this happened." Even though it was instantly countered. "But...when I knew these things I shouldn't have snapped at them again. I know the pain I felt was real, but it was pain from others that made me think they was next to hurt me...but it's still my fault. At any moment I could've stopped myself, I could've walked away but the hate and pain were so strong... No. It was my fault. No more excuses... I'm just as pathetic as I treated myself to be if I did this. Just as pathetic as they all treated and called me." You walk to another side of the hallway and cried silently while clenching your teeth. You mouthed words "I will never be" while thinking the same thing. You will never be the woman/mare you wanted to be. You're not as mature as you dream to be, not strong enough to move on and simply forget about all of this. Why waste more tears for those who don't even care? Years after it happened? It was always the same answer. "Because it hurts."
No matter how much you tried to improve yourself over the years despite the pain, you still feel the same. You may have started to feel calm instead of miserable every time you woke up and finally started to have good sleeps again, but you weren't the mare you wanted. Or happy. You put on a mask for your friends but you constantly feel numb with them other than laughs. You can only imagine how your brother feels since he's been in a similar situation for far longer since he wears a better mask than you do.
For three years you wanted to end your life from how you felt. You still do at times this year, especially this moment. "Why do they have to live like kings and queens...while i'm left here to suffer? It's not fair...I should be the one on top while they suffer. All of them. Death is too easy for people like them...I would make them suffer for the rest of their lives." You thought to yourself. Though, you knew you could never do that in reality. You were to nice and sweet. Or how you described it as "weak". At the same time, you constantly repeated "i'm sorry" in the back of your mind and mouthed it to that one in paticular.
You finally decide to get up and walk out of the building. While you were walking out you looked at the walls at your reflection. Of course, you looked a mess. A hateful, numb, disgusting mess.
Laughter can be heard from the building and to your surprise it was your friends. You completely forgot they even attended the event. Even Marsh Mellow that hates going out despite being such a nice man/stallion. They see you and call you over. Despite looking such a mess and with your true colors showing...you put on the mask again. You don't know if you've ever felt love or care for friends or family members ever before but...you know it must be real if you try to help even when you feel as if you don't care. Why you fake that smile so much to keep them from worrying, to make them happy. A feeling you lost a long time ago.
