The Secret Life of... Discord
“Goodbye everypony,” waved Pinkie Pie from the front door of Sugarcube Corner. Extremely tired but with large smiles on their faces, the dozens of guests all walked towards their own homes, the way lit by flickering streetlamps. Yes, another successful party.
Pinkie Pie, lingering just a moment to enjoy the sight of all the happy partygoers, turned and closed the door behind her. She stood alone in the storefront, looking at the mess before her. The food table overflowed with half-eaten cakes and pies, tubs of melting ice cream, trays with only a few remaining cupcakes, and several large punch bowls nearly empty. Smeared frosting and globs of ice cream stained the elegant tablecloth provided by Rarity. All the smaller tables contained piles of dirty plates, silverware, and glasses. Party games lined the walls, some of them having created their own messes. And everywhere confetti and streamers littered the floor.
It would take hours to clean up Sugarcube Corner from the big party. With the Cakes returning from Canterlot on the noon train, she would have to clean it in the morning, unfortunately causing her to miss Twilight’s Sunday pancake breakfast. For as much as she wanted to attend, she was too tired to clean tonight.
And so, Pinkie Pie wearily climbed the stairs to go to bed....
~~~
Twilight levitated several large platters of fluffy, steaming pancakes to the center of the table, causing her friends’ eyes to grow wide at the site. The table was also filled with pitchers of apple juice, bowls of fruit toppings, fresh whipped cream, rich creamy butter, and bottles of sparkling amber maple syrup. Everything was perfect for her pancake breakfast. Well, almost everything. The only thing wrong was that her dear friend Pinkie Pie couldn’t attend. But she felt happy as she gazed upon the rest of her smiling friends... Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, and Starlight Glimmer.
Passing the platters around to the other ponies, Twilight explained, “We have buttermilk, apple-pecan, chocolate-chip, blueberry, and every-berry-any-chip surprise.”
“Uh, Twilight?”
“Yes Applejack?”
“Is there a ‘surprise’ in the every-berry-every-chip surprise?”
“No. I didn’t lose a measuring spoon in the batter.”
“That’s a relief,” replied Applejack as she took a couple of apple-pecan pancakes.
“I wish Pinkie Pie could have been here though,” lamented Twilight with a slight frown on her face.
“Miss Pie has an awful lot of cleaning to do, although she could have allowed us to help,” said Rarity as she helped herself to some buttermilk pancakes.
“She said it’s her responsibility to clean up Sugarcube Corner from her parties,” said Starlight.
“Still, it was an awful mess.”
“Pfft. Pinkie’s got it covered,” replied Rainbow Dash with a wave of her hoof before shoving a large piece of every-berry-every-chip surprise into her mouth.
“Did you see what happened to my beautiful table cloth?” asked Rarity.
“I’m sure the stains will come out,” noted Fluttershy.
“I’m not sure they will,” retorted Rarity. “Some of those stains will be extremely hard to remove.”
“Twilight and I could find a spell that would get them out,” added Starlight as she took a bite from her pancakes.
“Darling, I’ve reviewed every spell there is concerning stain removal. None of them are completely effective,” stated Rarity with an air of authority.
“Well, maybe I could create a new one.”
Rainbow let out a huge laugh, spraying bits of food to land onto the table.
“What’s so funny Rainbow?” asked an annoyed Starlight.
“I was just thinking –”
“There’s somethin’ ya don’t hear everyday,” interrupted Applejack. Seeing the angry scowl from her friend, she said, “Sorry sugarcube, go ahead.”
“I was just thinking. Wouldn’t a better spell be new magic? How would you like to become an alicorn for creating a new cleaning spell?” Starlight’s cheeks went red as most of the group laughed. “You could be the ‘Princess of Cleaning.’” The room erupted into even more laughter, with Twilight doing her best to restrain herself. But it was Rarity who spoke first, “Anypony who can create a spell to remove chocolate stains from white silk deserves to be an alicorn.”
“Well, I wasn’t thinking of becoming an alicorn, merely just trying to solve a problem.”
“And if you solve it, the whole fashion industry will owe you a great debt,” said Rarity with pure conviction.
“I know how seriously ponies can take their fashion,” noted Applejack.
“And I know how seriously ponies can take their apples,” retorted Rarity.
“She has you there,” said Twilight. The room fell quiet for a moment as everyone enjoyed their pancakes. Finally, Twilight asked, “Rainbow Dash? How does it feel to be on leave?”
“I love the Wonderbolts. But it’s always great to come home and hang with my friends. There are so many things I have to do.”
“Such as?”
“I had to attend Pinkie Pie’s party last night. And I have to have a friendly competition with Applejack –”
“You do?” asked Applejack.
“Of course. We still have to determine who’s the most daring pony.”
“Will I find you two running through the Castle of the Two Sisters screaming in terror?” asked Twilight.
“I need to hear this story,” said Starlight.
“Well, back when –”
The door to the dining room swung open and Pinkie Pie came in bouncing merrily. “Hi everypony!”
Everyone greeted their friend. “Pinkie, pull up a chair, there’s plenty of pancakes,” said Twilight.
“Okey-dokey-lokey!” she said, sliding a chair in between Starlight and Fluttershy. Taking a large stack of every-berry-every-chip surprise and drowning them with whipped cream, she dove into her pancakes.
Fluttershy turned to Pinkie Pie. “I thought it would take you hours to clean Sugarcube Corner. Are you done already?”
Sitting upright from her food, Pinkie wore a thick beard of cream. Licking herself clean in a flash, she said, “Nope!”
“Weren’t you goin’ to have it cleaned before the Cakes got home from visitin’ kin in Canterlot?” asked Applejack.
“Eyup!” she said in between bites of her pancakes.
“So, are they not coming back today?” questioned Twilight.
“No, they’re still on the noon train.”
“Will you have it ready by the time they get back?” asked a confused Starlight.
“It’s already clean!”
“But didn’t you just say you didn’t clean it?” pressed Rainbow Dash.
“Eyup!”
“So, it’s still a mess?” clarified Rarity.
“Nope.”
Fluttershy said, “I’m so confused.”
“Oh Fluttershy. I know what really happened,” said Pinkie Pie with an exaggerated wink.
The others exchanged confused glances before Twilight prodded, “What happened?”
An extra-large toothy grin spread across Pinkie Pie’s face. “Even though I told them not to, my best friends cleaned it!”
“I thought we were your best friends,” exclaimed Rainbow Dash.
“Silly Rainbow Dash. All of you are my best friends.”
The others looked amongst themselves. Rarity spoke for the group, “Darling, we didn’t clean Sugarcube Corner.”
“Of course you did. How else did it get clean overnight?”
“Pinkie Pie, we didn’t clean Sugarcube Corner,” said Twilight, with the others nodding in agreement.
“Then, how did it get clean?”
“I don’t know.”
A heavy silence fell over the room, before Rainbow Dash spoke up. “You know, something similar happened to me.”
“It did?” asked the group.
“Yeah. When my last leave ended, I thought I’d left my place a mess. When I got back home yesterday, it was sparkling clean. I assumed Twilight came in while I was gone.”
“No I didn’t,” protested Twilight.
Applejack said, “Well ma barn was spotless the other day. Didn’t know how it happened, but Ah had too many chores to take time an figure it out.”
“Now that I think about it, my inspiration room has been unusually tidy of late,” related Rarity. “I had assumed it was Sweetie Belle trying to be helpful, but now I’m not so sure.”
“Twilight?” asked Starlight, who noticed her friend was lost in thought.
“Oh, I was just thinking, the library has been really organized lately, even when Spike was visiting Thorax.... Something strange is going on." Twilight turned to the pegasus across the table, "Fluttershy, you’ve been quiet. Have you experienced any unexplained cleaning?”
“No, at least none that I’ve noticed,” replied the pegasus.
“So what the hay is going on?” demanded Rainbow Dash.
“I’m not sure,” admitted Twilight. “Pinkie Pie? How do you feel about having another party at Sugarcube Corner tonight?”
Pinkie Pie’s face lit up.
~~~
Pinkie Pie stood in the front door of Sugarcube Corner, waving goodbye to all the party guests. She closed the door and turned to examine the store font. As hard as it was to believe, it was an even bigger wreck than the night before. Twilight insisted on having it as messy as possible, so Pinkie had really cut loose. It looked like a tornado had touched down in this one room, though somehow leaving the four walls in place. It would take her all day to clean up this mess.
Pinkie Pie turned off the lights and walked into the kitchen. “Everything’s ready!” she chimed.
“Great!” said Twilight. “Now everypony remember, we need to stay extremely quiet if we want to catch the pony doing this. Everyone ready?” Seeing her friends nod in agreement, she used her magic to flip the light switch, plunging the kitchen into pitch blackness.
The hours passed slowly. Everypony sat quietly in the dark, listening for the slightest sound coming from the next room. Pinkie Pie could hardly stand it. At least she had something to look at when she was forced to watch paint dry. But this? There was nothing to see but inky blackness. Rainbow Dash hated the waiting as well, accustomed to taking quick, often violent, action to solve problems. Only Rarity didn’t mind the wait, though she had the sense to bring her favorite fainting couch to lie upon while the others sat on the hard, tiled floor.
Finally, around 1:30 in the morning, they heard what sounded like a vacuum cleaner. Twilight brought forth the faintest of light from her horn, to make sure everyone was ready. When they all nodded, she gave the signal and they all bounded through the door into the storefront.
“Discord!” they all cried.
“Oh hello everypony,” said the draconequus, wearing a janitor’s outfit.
“Discord, you’re behind all the unexplained cleanings!?” asked an astonished Twilight.
“I’m afraid you’ve caught me red-handed,” he replied, holding up his paws covered in red paint.
“Ah don’t understand,” exclaimed Applejack.
“Yeah, spill it already!” ordered Rainbow Dash.
“It’s really very simple. Are you all familiar with the Second Law of Thermodynamics?” asked Discord with a wry smile on his face as he suddenly appeared in the form of a college professor.
The ponies scratched their heads until turning to Twilight. “Well,” she began, “there’s a lot a mathematics involved in deriving it –”
“Could you summarize it darling?” asked Rarity.
“Yes Twilight. Some of us have other things to do tonight,” added Discord, going through his schedule.
“Simply put, it means that for an isolated system entropy increases over time. But I fail to see –”
“And what is entropy?”
Again, all eyes fell on Twilight. “Entropy is a measure of randomness, disorder... chaos.”
Ding-ding-ding! “We have a winner!” yelled Discord.
“I still don’t understand,” said Starlight.
“Again, it’s really very simple. I’ve been exporting your chaos to my realm, stockpiling it for when I need it.”
“Ya have to clean our messes to take our chaos?” clarified Applejack.
“Yes! Removing chaos creates order!”
“So you’ve been sneaking into everypony’s home to – clean?” asked a confused Starlight.
“I prefer to think of it as symbiotic.”
Yet again, all eyes fell on Twilight. Sighing, she explained, “Symbiotic relationships are those where both parties benefit.”
“I come in and take your chaos, and you have a spotless house. Everypony wins!”
“But why break into our homes?” asked Rarity.
“Well, I don’t exactly have a sterling reputation. Would you believe the Lord of Chaos when he says he wants to come in and clean your home?”
“I – suppose not.”
“There you go.”
“Discord?” asked Fluttershy. “Is there a reason why you didn’t clean my house. I mean, you don’t have to, but I was curious.”
Taking her hoof in his paw and looking deep into her eyes, he explained, “I value our friendship too much to violate your privacy.”
“So you’re willing to violate ours?” demanded Rainbow Dash.
“If I recall, you had a very messy house. Trophies laying about... spoiled milk in the refrigerator... dirty carpeting –”
“I get it.”
“Discord,” began Twilight, “we appreciate what you’ve done, just not how you went about doing it.”
“Hmm... so you’re saying the ends don’t justify the means?”
“I think what she’s trying to say,” explained Rarity, “is that you’re more than welcome to come clean for us. Just ask us before you do.”
Pausing for a moment to think, he said, “I think I can do that.”
One hour later....
Knock! Knock!
Lyra Heartstrings turned on the light and, half-awake, stumbled to the front door. Two-thirty was way too early for somepony to come knocking. Cautiously opening the door, she found the Lord of Chaos himself, Discord.
“Good morning!” he cheerfully said. “Do you mind if I clean your house?”
Dazed and confused, all she could say was, “What?”
Author's Note
Wow, I can't believe I'm finally publishing this story. It's been seven weeks since I last published a The Secret Life of... story. I started this one-shot nearly two months ago, but ran into a bit of writer's block, so I began work on Friendship is Magic: The Movie. I also wrote The Disney Princesses Meet Princess Twilight Sparkle, mainly as an outlet for my insomnia (but now that I'm home from BronyCon, my insomnia is getting better. Sleeping in one's own bed helps a lot). So, I'm glad that you took the time to read this story. I've been working on The Secret Life of... Rarity and Chapter 3 of Friendship is Magic: The Movie. Also, a massive drama, but it won't be ready for a few more weeks or months.
Keep Writing,
Dreadnought
