"What is it exactly that you think you did?!"
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"What is it exactly that you think you did?!"
"I can't believe I solved my first Cutie Map friendship problem, all on my own!" Spike was mighty proud after bidding Ember and Thorax adieu, as he sauntered back into the castle main hall. "At least you and the girls know if you face danger in the near future, you might have the reassurance of being accompanied on your travels by this guy!"
"A-Actually, I didn't really want to bring this up again..." Twilight followed closely behind her number one assistant, with Starlight taking up the rear. "But, technically speaking, 'you' didn't actually do anything."
"Huh?!" Spike screeched to a halt even in the midst of his triumph, spinning around to meet the Princess's spurious accusation with an angrily raised eyebrow. "What are you talking about? Our special guests are now the best of friends, Ember has learned that sometimes bashing other dragons to a pulp isn't always effective leadership and Thorax has promised to 'bear' arms against those who dare defy his rules. Get it?! Bear!!"
"No, we don't, as it happens..." It was unknown at first whether Starlight was referencing Spike's sorry attempt at a joke or his boastful claim to have 'saved the day', but it quickly became apparent it was the latter. "You see, me and Twilight were talking about this, and to be honest, we're struggling to see exactly what marvellous action you took today which helped either one with their difficulty at all..."
"I-I told you, didn't I?" Spike felt somewhat nervous all of a sudden, his usually bone-dry scales beginning to bleed beads of sweat. "I did all that by learning my lesson and giving them the opportunity of getting along. If I hadn't ingeniously introduced the two by staying out of their way, do you really think that they'd be getting on like a house on fire, like they are right now?"
"Try not to mention 'fire' where Ember's concerned, you don't want to tempt fate again. She really should get that allergy looked at by a professional." Twilight groaned, recalling the countless incidents of accidental property incineration during the royal reptile's brief but destructive stay. "That reminds me... I must make out a bill to the Dragon Kingdom for all the crystal their princess chewed up from the foundations of my palace. Seeing as they eat jewels as a way of life, compensation should be no trouble at all..."
Sighing irritably at her teacher getting distracted by her future financial restitution, if was up to Starlight to continue the ongoing discussion. "Frankly Spike, me and Twilight had a long talk about your alleged role as saviour today whilst clearing away all of the ashes around town, and we reached the inescapable conclusion that what you've just said is a bit much. Their fruitful rendezvous here was purely a lucky coincidence originating from your forgetfulness at inviting both, and the whole situation was resolved peaceably by the parties involved themselves, with barely any input from you. In fact, the only time they seemed to be at each other's throats is when they thought you were being threatened, so a viable argument could be made for the premise that you actually made things worse."
"Wow, maybe Ember was right, you two really are alike after all." Spike scratched the top of his head, observing Starlight staring sternly at him as Twilight composed a lengthy bill in the background. "You both think wwaayyy too much about the smallest things, use so many unnecessarily long words in your sentences, and you never give me enough credit when I actually do something right! I'll have you know I've been running around town all day, helping out ponies with their recipe dilemmas and stool-sharing worries, to name but a few! Also, how do you explain my spines flashing when Thorax and Ember made up, huh? If that wasn't down to me, how come the map seems to think otherwise?!"
"Oh, that thing's been on the fritz since we fixed it. I really should get a specialist in..." Twilight commented almost absent-mindedly, wandering if she should charge Ember for Derpy's squashed muffin or not. "Maybe it was simply acknowledging that the job was complete, instead of giving you special credit. As for everything else you mentioned, while it's truly laudable you're going around town aiding the great residents of Ponyville in their petty feuds, such minor disagreements are quite irrelevant to the mission set to you by the map. Still, keep up the good work for a few years, and maybe you'll have a statue here as big as the one in the Crystal Empire!"
Twilight's attempt at levity went down like a lead balloon, and instead of calming Spike down like she'd intending, her humorous words only made the drake heat up once more, instantly evaporating the traces of sweat which'd clustered on his brow a few minutes earlier.
"Well if you're so perfect, why didn't you insist that I keep Thorax and Ember together, instead of encouraging me to give one of them to you so we could keep them apart?!" An irate Spike was not ashamed to point out, as far as he was concerned, Twilight's role in this big mess. "I thought you were supposed to be 'The Princess Of Friendship' or something, and all that the title entails. I bet you didn't even know there was a band of renegade Changelings running around did you, sucking up love and refusing to listen to their leader! So much for knowing everything about everyone! If either of you needs me, I'll be in my room reading superhero comics. It'll be nice for a change to hear about other ponies working hard to make peace, instead of having their sidekicks who carry the can if anything goes wrong sort it out for them! Well, goodbye!"
A distinctly unappreciated-feeling Spike swaggered upstairs, leaving Starlight and Twilight behind to digest his scathing words carefully.
"It's okay, Twilight. I know you're doing your best for him." Starlight attempted to offer comfort to her mentor, who now looked visibly upset. " I'm sure that he loves you too, you just have to give him time to accept that he, well... didn't actually do much of anything today. You can't always be the hero..."
"What are you talking about?!" Twilight's expression abruptly turned in an instant from moroseness to confusion, and she glanced back at Starlight with surprise. "I was only about to ask him if he could send this note to the Dragon Kingdom, which is an itemised receipt of everything torched today during their princess's little visit. I just have to put a stamp on it, and we're all done. I suppose now that he's sulked off though, I'm going to have to wait. Once he gets absorbed in those comics, even a bucket of sapphires won't lure him away. He'll be fine, so please don't worry. In the meantime, I guess I could organise my chairs while I wait. Care to join me, Starlight?"
"N-No, I'm fine thanks Twilight. I-I think I need to go and... p-polish my cutie mark." Her student grinned sheepishly, blurting out the first excuse that popped into her head, no matter how lame it might be. "Y-You know, the one with the squiggly, glimmer thingie? W-Well, good luck with your seating appliances! S-See you later!"
And with that somewhat panicky farewell, Starlight also rushed off upstairs to leave behind a somewhat mollified mentor. Frowning with annoyance how it seemed everyone around her would rather be anywhere else than in her learned presence, Twilight silently huffed to herself as she made her way to the library, to separate each reading chair in terms of comfiness, durability, appearance... (that last one was pretty low on the list, priority-wise).
She doesn't know what she's missing out on, this is just as much fun as cleaning the castle silverware! The alicorn seethed, en route to her exorbitantly large book collection. And that Spike: he'd clearly prefer to fantasise about fictional characters than spend time with me, his real-life best friend! It's more than I can bear... w-wait, bear... Thorax... love-sucking renegade Changelings... a-another i-invasion?! W-What was it he said just before leaving?!
Having very slowly connected the dots in her mind, Twilight decided to unexpectedly change direction for now to gallop up the steps, all other trivial thoughts in her head cast aside for now in the face of this new and possibly very deadly threat.
"SPIKE!!"
.....................................................
Almost at that exact moment, a scaly blue figure hovered just above the palace, a few chewed-off sections from a nearby turret tucked in her claws that she somehow managed to carry while still staying airborne.
"Just some small pieces for the long journey back home. They'll never miss 'em..." She sniggered evilly, before flapping her wings to leave behind this wretched town full of do-gooding, hug-obsessed equines, which she'd unaccountably and quite unwillingly grown quite attached to.
Author's Note
Ok, guilty as charged: I tried to put in as many references to this episode as I could in the story. Hope you have fun spotting them all, and enjoyed the rest, too. Well, thanks for reading! 
