I'M NOT A WAIFU!

by The Psychopath

Rating: everyone
Tags: Ember, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 1701

Ember gets harassed by ponies calling her their 'waifu'(des)

Princess Ember isn't exactly thrilled this day. Her trek through Ponyville on behest of Spike has seen her trying to flee from all the ponies calling her a 'waifu'(des). She can't escape. All she wanted to do was find the little dragon.

Published 2017-08-25 00:30:06 UTC
Last updated 2017-08-25 00:30:06 UTC

Get away from me!

Ember was coming over to Ponyville after receiving an invitation from Spike who, after triple-checking his list, was assured that he had not mixed up his schedules. The little dragon was making sure that Ember's arrival at the castle would be much better than last time. That being said, when Ember arrived at Ponyville from the air, she punched the ground upon landing, much like a comic book character.

"Huh. No welcoming committee this time." She grabbed her chin in thought. "As a dragon, I wasn't really fond of that welcome, but somehow I still find myself disappointed." She shrugged. "Might as well just pass on to the castle. I wonder what he wants to talk about this time," she wondered aloud.

Arriving at the castle, she knocked on the door and noticed no one was home. Not one to forego the 'classics', the dragoness tried to push the door open, but it was locked.

"Ooookayyyy? He's not home..." Ember looked around, seeing many ponies going about their day and heaved a loud sigh. "I guess I have to ask them where Spike is." She raised an eyebrow. "Flying around could be better, though."

She took to the partially clouded skies to try and spot Spike in the small village, but he was nowhere to be seen. After making a few spins, Ember was starting to get annoyed. She forced a smile and went towards a pegasus setting up clouds.

"Hey," she started. "Have you seen Spike?"

"Hm?" The pony's bland expression changed to bright delight. He grabbed her claw and shook it enthusiastically. "I can't believe Dragon Lord Ember is here!"

Ember was confused. "Is this another ponyism?" she asked.

"What? No! I want you to be my waifu!"

Ember narrowed her eyes and crushed the pony's hoof, creating an audible crack. She followed up by throwing the pegasus through several clouds. She shook her head and tried going to another pony to seek their aid, but he saw the dragoness first.

"Emberrrrrrrrr!" he shouted joyfully.

The pony, rushing to Ember for a big hug and kiss, caught an elbow to the head and was jettisoned downwards into a house.

"What a bunch of weirdoes!" Ember shouted. "Maybe it's just the flying ones."

The dragoness' trip to the ground saw her landing in front of the house where she launched the pony, and it didn't take long for an earth pony to burst through the door and rush to the blue dragon. Once again, Ember found her claws being grabbed, but this time, the stallion started to kiss it, spreading his spit on them. Ember punched his face in, leaving the pony standing with a caved-in face.

"What is WRONG with these ponies?!" Ember exclaimed.

"Ember!" a unicorn cried out this time. The pony slid to her feet. "Please, Ember! You are my waifu! I want to spend all my days with you!"

"Ew! Get away from me!" she yelled.

The unicorn was not dissuaded and only blushed. "You're so cute when you get angry."

Ember's eyes twitched angrily, and she grabbed the pony by the fur on his neck to punch him in the face.

"So cute..." the pony strained. He was punched again. "So...cute..."

Ember punched the stallion's face multiple times in quick succession.

"WHY. WON'T. YOU. SHUT. UP!"

"C...Cuuuuuute..."

He was left a very swollen, very happen pony who would make his dentist just as happy. The dragoness was approached by yet another pony carrying a white wedding dress just for her.

"Look, Ember, my Waifu!" Ember said nothing in response to this pony. She only stood, staring, an air of contempt on her face. "I got you the most BEAUTIFUL dress, because I know that, secretly, you are a very gentle and fragile creature who only wants somepony to love you. I am that po--"

The stallion was engulfed in ping flames, and the dress fluttered away in the winds as black dust. The fire left the pony as a nice, crispy black accentuated by the ash he coughed out.

"I'll...never clean myself...again," he strained.

Ember flinched and stepped away, horrified by the statement.

"What?! What's wrong with you all?!" she shouted. A loud shouting of 'My Waifu!' struck Ember's ears like a deafening screech. "I need to get out of here!" She turned tail and dashed through the streets. "Crazy ponies!"

She rounded a corner and hid in the dark next to some trash cans and discarded cardboard boxes, letting the swarm of weirdos run into another street. She wiped her forehead, thinking herself safe, but she didn't notice the pony who painted himself black with soot to sneak up on her. Very loud and obnoxious breathing caught the dragoness' attention, and she looked around, trying to figure out where it was coming from. Two eyes, the white of their scelera contrasting with the dark of the shadows.

"Waifuuuu..." he hissed.

Ember jumped away and hit the opposing building. "What the?"

"You're the more silent and retracted kind of dragoness. I can help you stay away from those weirdos, but you have to trust me." His teeth showed themselves when he smiled. "I'm sure you'd like me if you got to know me fi--"

The pony found his head on the other side of the brick wall he was glued against, his hoof still raised. Ember left the stallion behind without listening to his words.

"...rst..." he groaned.

"I gotta get away from these freaks!" Ember shouted while she ran.

Her sprint gradually slowed to a run, then a jog, then a fast walk, and then stationary. "...I can fly. Why am I running on the floor?" she scolded herself.

With her wings spread out, the dragoness took to the skies and set for the dragon lands, but she forgot one important thing: Pegasi.

She had to swerve and dodge all the would-be 'suitors' to her, and had to burn some out of the sky. Some of them went down in smoke, catching others in their spiral and exploding on the way. Ember scratched her head at such displays and shrugged it off.

"Flying ponies are built weird," she thought herself.

She found herself glomphed by a rather small pegasi who couldn't help kiss her on the cheek whilst hugging her.

"I love you, Ember (des)," he stated simply.

Ember pulled the pony off her back and held him by the scruff of his neck. "Listen closely, you disgusting creature."

The dragon emperor roared directly in the small stallion's face, ruffling his fur and leaving him dazzled. He blinked several times before recovering, and he smiled rather 'affectionately' at the dragoness who felt her stomach churn.

"How tsundere of you," the pony teased.

Ember stuck her tongue out in audible disgust and threw the pony at a group of others, pushing them all into a cloud. Which then exploded. The blue dragoness dived into Ponyville to avoid the stalkers and managed to get several to crash into the buildings around, and then exploded. She didn't much care about their well-being and found the scene hilarious, but the influx of pegasi was too much to dodge easily.

"I need to run along the ground and leave the other way," she said to herself.

Ember gradually slowed down and skid along the road, but she was going so fast that she still slammed into a pony holding a large white object. The object cushioned her impact, and when she came to, she saw that her figure had been drawn onto it. The drawn her was angry, but blushing at the same time.

"Oh! It's Ember! My waifu-des! You've come! Finally!"

The dragoness grabbed the pillow and pointed to it, her face clearly seething with rage, but her voice having a quiet hush to it.

"What is this?" she asked.

"My body pillow. Could you sign it?" He started daydreaming, his eyes sparkling with joy. "And then I can hide it for the future, when our children are all grown up on that sunny hillside we'll live together on!"

Ember's face collapsed, and no emotions were portrayed, but perhaps that was because nothing on the physical plane could allow such a thing to exist in this reality. A few minutes later and several of the other ponies fighting each other to get to Ember screeched to a halt in the road. They all cringed at the sight. The pony with the body pillow was sitting in the street, nigh immobile. He had the entire pillow shoved into his mouth, with only a small bit of the end sticking out of his mouth.

"Um...w-where did Ember go?" one of the stallions asked to the best of his ability. He had trouble not vomiting.

The pony pointed to his left.

"Th-thank you..." The stallion turned to face the others and yelled at them. "Ember went this way! We can start punching each other again for her affection!"

The stuffed pony watched them gallop away whilst exchanging hits. The stuffed pony mumbled and waggled his forelegs for help but just sighed in defeat. He wobbled a bit, then took a step forward, and exploded. The ponies all skid to a halt when they saw Twilight and Spike walking back into town. They both stared at the group with open jaws, and Spike dropped the bags he had been carrying.

"Oh no!" he shouted. "The waifu hunters!"

"They got out!" Twilight created a magical whip and cracked it at the ponies. "Back! Get back to your dark pits! Back to your creepy rubber models and strange pillows!"

The stallions hissed at her and started swiping like cats, but another crack of the whip saw many of them scamper around and into tiny cracks in the walls and floors of many buildings. Spike looked around and scratched his head in confusion.

"Why'd they come out?" he wondered aloud.

Twilight shrugged in respobse. "Hey...wasn't Ember supposed to come today?"

"Yes..." Spike's eyes gradually widened as the realization hit him. "OH NO!"

"I'm not a waifu!"

"Did you hear something?" Twilight asked.

"Not sure, but I hope that Ember isn't too upset I wasn't there...or that these creeps snuck out."