Yeah, We Killed Him. But Trust Us, This Guy Was Horrid
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Yeah, We Killed Him. But Trust Us, This Guy Was Horrid
"So what was it you wanted to talk about, anyway?" Spike asked as the waiter put down a delicious bowl of sapphires in front of him.
"Well," Thorax began, his voice just a light shade of wavery, "you remember the other week, when Ember and I were both in town?"
Spike turned red. "Yeah, I remember," he said, although he most definitely did not want to remember.
"You weren't present, but the two of us actually had a rather enlightening conversation." Thorax pondered for a moment, gaze wandering across the bright Ponyville streets and the little ponies walking by. "I mean, a proper heart-to-heart, it was. About the nature of leadership and dealing with people, friends and enemies alike. I think I like Ember."
Spike's ear flaps fluttered at that sentence, and his eyes lit up. He leaned over the table, standing up in his chair and lowering his voice to a conspiratorial whisper. "Oooh, is that what this is about?"
Thorax blinked his confusion – then realisation hit. "What? No, no," he said, waving a hoof. "It's just... you know how I turned into a bear when I thought you were in danger?"
"Yep," responded Spike. "Then you beat your chest like a gorilla. I think you got your animals a bit confused there."
"I did?" Thorax asked.
"Yeah, it was pretty weird."
"Huh." Thorax didn't quite know how to respond to that. "Well, anyway. So you know how there's that group of renegade changelings I told you about?"
"The ones who want to remain in the old ways, right?" Spike asked. "Feed on love, look like nasty creepy crawlies."
"Those ones, yeah," Thorax said, nodding. "So I paid them a visit earlier. And I was like, 'hey, guys, so maybe it's time to let tradition go' and all, you know, the usual stuff."
"You said they don't listen to that kind of talk, though," Spike said.
"They don't!" Thorax said, banging a hoof on the table in frustration.
Spike began nibbling on a sapphire just so he had an excuse not to say anything.
Thorax seemed to calm down. "So Ember suggested to me that I should be more assertive when dealing with them. You know? Like, she said I should turn into a bear and show them who's boss."
Spike swallowed a chunk of precious gemstone. "Did you?"
"Yeah! I put my hoof down... well, more like my paw, really. I roared something fierce to make them fall in line."
"Aaaand?" Spike asked, although he worried that perhaps he didn't really want to know the rest of the story.
"Well, some of them listened. And some of them did not. And then I was like, hey, guys, come on, don't make me go any harder on you, you know I like you."
"I'm sure that won them over," Spike said. He may have been being sarcastic, or maybe not. That would depend on Thorax's response.
"No, it did not," Thorax said. So if anyone asked, Spike was being sarcastic there. "They laughed in my face! Even the changelings I thought were on my side ended up being swayed over to the renegades!"
"So, then what?" Spike asked. "I mean, that sounds bad, but... how can I help? Why did you ask to see me?"
"Then I kinda grabbed one of them and smeared them across the floor."
"You..." Spike blinked, then stuck a claw in his ear, swishing it about to make sure he could hear properly. "You what?"
"You know we changelings don't really have blood. It's just mushy stuff under the exoskeleton. Our organs are kind of just floating about."
"Uh... huh..."
"It went everywhere."
"I see—"
"Everywhere."
A few moments of pregnant silence followed. Thorax and Spike sat wide-eyed, gazes mutually avoiding one another. Thorax couldn't stop himself from remembering the scene – and Spike couldn't help but to imagine it.
"Everywh—"
"Yeah, I get it!" Spike said.
"I mean, the guy was proper evil!" Thorax insisted. He wasn't sure he believed his words himself. "Real hardliner neo-Chrysalis supporter, you know? Let's infiltrate the Crystal Empire and drain them dry kind of guy."
"S-sounds like you d-did the right thing?" Spike said, or asked. He wasn't sure himself, either.
"I... guess? I mean, the others fell in line right after that. That group of renegades is renegade no more."
"Sounds good to me," Spike said, hoping to cut the conversation short right there and then. "Maybe don't mention it to Twilight."
"But I mean, why do I call them renegades?" Thorax's insectlike eyes stared at the ground, brows furrowing. "Technically it was me who overthrew our legitimate queen. Now I'm actively seeking out 'renegades', changelings who did not want to be part of what was essentially a coup, and demanding they follow me. By force. Now that I'm done with this group, I think I'm going to continue seeking out whatever renegades are hiding in the hidden corners of the world."
"S-sounds like a plan," Spike cautiously said, so as not to anger the literal new king of an insectoid race of shapeshifters.
"Like," Thorax went on, "they have to change their entire ways of life. Fireflies, they even have to change what they look like. I'm not taking no spiky black changelings into my ranks, if you know what I mean. Like, I'm really hard on Chrysalis-related imagery."
Another bout of silence.
"Is that weird?" Thorax asked.
"It... does sound kind of weird, when you put it like that," Spike said.
"Spike," Thorax said, leaning closer. His voice was getting wavery again.
"Yeah?" Spike asked.
"Spike, are we the baddies?"
Silence.
"Naaaah," Spike finally said, waving his claws dismissively. "We're the good guys alright. Chosen by the magical crystal map that we trust to be absolutely morally right and just in any situation. It said that Chrysalis must go down, so we took her down."
"I suppose that when you have divine cosmic justification for everything you do," Thorax opined, "it becomes really easy not to question your own actions."
Spike snorted. "Pfft! Maybe you should talk to Twilight after all. You know how Cadence came to power up north? We literally used ancient magicks to blow up their king, Sombra. They accepted Cadence real fast after that." He pulled up an imaginery sleeve and flexed his bicep. "And I helped. They built a statue of me and everything."
Thorax craned his ears towards Spike, not sure he caught that correctly. "You... blew up King Sombra?"
"Yeah! It went everywhere."
"Huh." Pursing his lips, Throax began nodding, the scene playing out before him in his imagination. "Must have been quite the sight."
"And then we went to war with Sombra," Spike added. "I'm not talking about throwing apple pies at each other and resolving the conflict in a peaceful way. I'm talking real, honest-to-Harmony, full-on total war. Propaganda posters hung from the walls right here in Ponyville and everything. It was okay, though, because Sombra's soldiers were mind controlled. Well, they had these weird helmets on, so they must have been. Everypony knows a good leader can sustain an elongated war effort with a population who is literally a hundred percent united in opposing you."
Thorax's eyes wandered again, and he chewed his lips nervously. Something didn't sound right about that story. "Wait, when did that happen? I... I don't remember that at all."
"Oh, it was a different timeline," Spike said, chomping down on a gemstone. "Starlight erased it so it technically didn't happen."
"Erased it? Doesn't that mean... that literally everyone who has ever lived, or ever would have lived, is technically now dead?"
Spike scratched his head. "I don't know, does it? I never really thought about it that deeply."
"But was the map fine with it?"
"Oh, totally."
"Phew," Thorax sighed. "I was almost worried there for a moment." As he registered all of Spike's words, though, his brows furrowed again. "Wait, did you say Starlight did that? That sweet pony that everyone is friends with?"
"Yep. Some crazy magic powers, she's got. And that's not even half of it." Spike leaned in again. "This one time, she brainwashed a whole town into following some weird quasi-religious anti-cutie mark agenda with the power of persuasion and charisma alone. Oh, also room 101."
"Room what now?"
"Nineteen Neighty-Four? Stars, Thorax, read a book," Spike said, and stuffed another sapphire in his mouth. "On a side note, did you hear that they are starving in Griffonstone?"
"No," Thorax said. "Also, I can't read."
"Oh, that's too bad. Anyway, I'm glad to hear ruling an entire diverse group of changelings is working out for you."
Something in the back of Thorax's mind just wouldn't let that previous discussion go, tempting as doing so was. "But doesn't Starlight work for the cutie map now?"
"She totally does. And doing a fine job of it, too. And anyway, that was all before she created and wiped out entire timelines at a whim because some colt was mean to her when she was a filly. Water under the bridge."
"I just think it's weird," Thorax said, "how our group of friends keeps overthrowing governments and installing new leaders without any sort of electoral process or even just cursorily asking the opinion of the masses. That's how we get these awkward situations in the first place." Thorax turned the bottom of a hoof towards himself, morphing it briefly to resemble the paw of a bear. He stared at it for perhaps a moment too long, shuddered, then shook his head and put his paw-hoof back down. "We're pretty much playing with the lives of literally entire kingdoms and empires and we never quite reflect on it."
"Eh." Spike shrugged, shoving a bunch of gems into his mouth. "It would be difficult to summarise the intricacies of complex moral questions in a few sentences, once everything is said and done. Best to keep it simple."
"Wait, do we have to do that?"
"Dunno about you," said Spike, "but we here in Ponyville totally do. Twilight insists." He looked over both his shoulders, checking if Twilight was anywhere in sight – and when she wasn't, he craned his head closer to Thorax. "It's a carry-over from her letter writing days. We put up with it kind of as a courtesy. But you know, what with her publishing her 'friendship diary' about 'her struggles' not long ago and all... she insists we keep it simple."
"But didn't everyone hate that diary?"
"Oh, no," Spike said, shaking his head. "There were like two kids who liked it."
"And the map says that's—"
"It's fine, it's fine," Spike said, and poured the remaining sapphires right down his throat.
Author's Note
A friend of mine convinced me to watch the latest episode. This is basically a slightly story-ified version of the conversation we had afterwards. It's pretty much a shitpost. #sorrynotsorry
Also, don't even get me started on Tirek.
"Did you even talk to his lawyer before sentencing him to life in prison?" asked Thorax.
"His what?" asked Spike, flabbergasted. "Does he even have a lawyer?"
"I don't know! Isn't that something you should know?"
