Oh, Darling!

by TechnoNerd

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Rarity, Other, Random, Princess Celestia, Sweetie Belle
Length: 1116

One would think that Rarity always handles things like a "proper lady". The only problem is, she's got her sass, too.

(Not to be confused with the game, "Oh, Sir!", Of which this story has no relation to.)

It's obvious that Rarity, the local fashionista of Ponyville, has quite an... attitude, so to say, when it comes to certain ideas and ponies.

Sometimes, she ramps it up a notch or two.

Sometimes, she goes full-sass mode.

:trollestia: NOTE: This is a trollfic, and most, if not all characters, are taken EXTREMELY out-of-character for the sheer purpose of entertainment. :trollestia:

Co-written by Skittle Sky, because she's got much more experience sassing people than I do.

Published 2017-08-29 00:00:10 UTC
Last updated 2017-08-29 00:00:10 UTC

This probably won't end well...

Rarity awoke with a yawn. Not a big, gaping, groaning yawn, mind you, but quite the opposite. A few sleepy eye-rubs later, and the mare quickly perked up. Today was going to be quite a big day.

In fact, today wasn't only a "big" day, but quite possibly the biggest day of the fashionista's life. Maybe. Why? Because she just so happened to be opening yet another chain store of Carousel Boutique... but this time, in Canterlot Castle. There was no why or how to it. She only acknowledged that today's event was all thanks to a single, unsigned letter from some administration in Canterlot.

Also, according to the aforementioned letter, the mare was supposedly guaranteed unlimited access into the Canterlot Fashion Industry Association, or "CaFIA". It definitely wasn't related to the Mafia in any way, though... at least, that's what she hoped.

Also, she was completely oblivious to the narrator as he spoke, because fourth wall. At least, for the time being.

Now then, with that absurd introduction out of the way, let's start this off in the most wonderful of setting.

It was a dark and stormy night...

...

Whoops. Slip of the tongue. It's not even night.

It was a beautiful day outside. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, the tank was clea--

Darnit. Ah, well. I'll just sit in the corner and let the story go on...

Rarity had a light bounce in each step as she made her way towards the train station amidst the regular crowds of ponies busy at work.

The mare hummed a happy tune to herself as she absentmindedly gazed from the window of the car, minding not the loud hustle of the other passengers onboard, but rather the intricate details of the surrounding scenery. Every tree, each curve of the rolling hills, and every little cloud in the sky seemed to be bursting with vibrant color.

"Excuse me, miss," the a stallion coughed as he attempted to squeeze his rather large frame past the mare, his large saddlebags threatening to spew their contents. In short, that's exactly what they did.

"Whoops."

Rarity, the once-peppy, now-quite angry, mare glared at the stallion.

"Uh, sorry?"

"Sorry?" Rarity hissed, "HELP ME OUT OF THIS DISGRACEFUL MESS!"

Rarity trudged out of the train car, her entire body sore from being buried alive under many, many heavy objects. Her gleeful mood was long-gone, instead replaced by a simmering rage, held in by what practically amounted to a string tied over a box filled with angry kittens with flaming razor blades for claws.

"Miss Rarity!" she heard a voice call from behind her, "Would you like to sample our latest platter of EE-OH-AICH-themed cheeses?"

"..."

"Our latest line of carved Element-cheeses would certainly see an uplift in sales if a Bearer such as you were seen sampling them!"

Rarity snorted, composing herself. "Oh, darling," she began, "I'd looooove to try..."

"Why thank you, Miss--"

"TO SEE YOU EAT ONE!" she screamed, flipping the tray of cheese into the salespony's face.

Rarity grunted in approval, and stormed off, eager to seclude herself within Canterlot Castle.

"More tea?"

Rarity blinked, unsure of whether or not to agree to her soon-to-be 247th cup. She wasn't even sure how she kept track of each time her cup was refilled, but she didn't mind. She was alone...

"So, about this supposed branch of your boutique--"

...almost.

"MY WORD, DARLING," Rarity shouted, "WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP POURING ME THIS DREADFUL TEA?!" Rarity screamed, "I appreciate the hospitality, darling, but please, please allow me to refrain from drowning in it!"

Celestia simply smiled, for she had experienced this before many times with various nobles throughout the years. Sure, she was mildly surprised from the outburst, but it wasn't anything new. And so, she smiled... and then gave Rarity a firm smack on the face. With her teacup. Filled with scalding-hot tea. Made from solar plasma, for no apparent reason other than that it was apparently a thing.

Rarity promptly shrieked, and that was the end of the Canterlot branch of Carousel Boutique.

Rarity trudged along the streets of Canterlot, her mascara running down her cheeks, melted previously by Celestia's tea. Not that it was actually tea, but rather an artificially synthesized variant of the aforementioned solar plasma, because one does not simply scoop a teacup of plasma off of the Sun. Unless you're Celestia. Maybe.

BACK TO THE TOPIC, PLEASE!

Okay, geez. What happened to being nice?

...

Fine.

The pleasant whether from earlier that day had all but faded, leaving behind a roaring wind that gushed between buildings and throughout the alleys and streets. Rarity frowned, staring upwards at the stormy sky, which currently was threatening to take her already horrid day on a trip through Tartarus and back.

Also, the cheese salespony was back. Wearing a disguise, no less.

"Ahem." he began, blocking Rarity's path with a strikingly familiar cane, "I do believe that a mare such as yourself would be delighted to sample our fine platters of exotic cheeses?"

Rarity frowned even harder, and tore off the fake mustache, placing it over her eyebrows.

"OOoOOOooooHhHHHH, LoOK At mEeEEe!!!" She shrieked, mocking the salespony, "I'M SSsOOooOOO fAnCY iN tHiS MUstAChe!"

"B-but--"

"GENEROSITY!" Rarity screeched with a cackle, throwing a bundle of dresses behind her as she ran.

"Rarity?" Sweetie Belle squeaked from behind the door, "Are you eating all the ice cream again?"

There was no reply from the elder sister, for she had stuffed her gullet with Prench Vanilla.

"Rarity?" the filly began again, pushing the door ajar with a hoof, "Hello?"

"sURpRISE!" Cried Rarity with a shrill echo in her voice, "I mADe YoU a NeW DREsS!"

Sweetie Belle backed away from her crazed sister. "But-- but I already have over nine-thousand dresses!"

"Oh shut it, darling." Rarity scoffed, smearing her face with more ice cream, "NOPONY can possibly have too many dresses!"

"STOP RIGHT THERE! FASHION POLICE!" blared a voice from beyond the boarded-up windows, "YOU ARE UNDER ARREST FOR YOUR LIMES, AND YOU'LL BE SERVING A HEFTY CRUMPISH-TENTS!"

"Sir, the words are 'Crime and Punishment'.

"YOU TELL THAT TO THE CHIEF."

"Rarity?" Sweetie Belle peeped from under a table, "I'm scared."

But there was no answer. Rarity was gone. Not with the so-called "fashion police", just gone.

In her place was the Element of Generosity, a crazed expression drawn onto its surface in permanent marker.

Author's Note

I betcha didn't see that coming. :trollestia:

Rarity had a light bounce in each step as she made her way ~~downtown~~ ~~down the milky way~~ TO THE TRAIN STATION.