So a Skeleton walks into a castle...
Luna sat alone in Canterlot castle, the moon cresting above her and all the castle’s inhabitants, allowing them and indeed all of Equestria to sleep peacefully. She sighed deeply, not out of exasperation or regret, but contentment. In the centuries prior to her banishment, the idea of being alone at night, of no-pony appreciating all the hard work placed into making the night sky gleam as it did, would have made her mad- furious, even. Now though, after…. Some time to cool off, she had reconsidered her position on the subject. Her ponies slept at night not because it was less interesting, but because there was a natural comfort in darkness, the kind of which could not be found during the bright day. Sure, monsters would make their home in the shadows, and there was always the fear of nightmares, but when such things occur, if they ever do for most ponies, do they not shut their eyes? Hiding in a self-imposed darkness, hoping the terror will be gone when they again choose to open them?
There was also any number of pleasures to be had in the night. Some were more recent ideas, true, like nightclubs, star-gazing parties, or open air film viewings. However, there were some old standbys that had seemingly slipped her notice in those years of anger; things like a filly playing with her father under the stars after work was done, reading poetry by candle light, or just good-old love-making (alone or in pairs; she didn’t judge… openly.) Yes, there was much contentment to be had in her work at night, it had simply taking a rather excessive hissy fit and time-out for her to realize that.
“Tis rather peaceful this night.” She told no one in particular. One draw-back of her duties was the lack of social interaction. Oh, what she wouldn’t give to have somepony to ta-
‘taptaptap’ Luna’s blood ran cold. That was definitely not a hoof just now, and was had been certain she was alone.
“Ello.” An eldritch horror looked at her, suddenly inches from her face in a space that she was sure had been empty mere moments ago. It was so close that she couldn’t make out all of its details, but the empty eye-sockets and eternal smile left little imagination as to what had just invaded her personal space. “Do you mind closing ze vindow? Recently, I have had trouble keeping warm.”
Celestia trotted down the hall brusquely, moving with purpose, but not panic. Reports on what was happening were thin, (HAH) but from the loud scream she had heard moments ago, it couldn’t be good. According to some guards, something had invaded the castle and was now stalking about in the room her sister used to perform her duties. While Celestia was more than worried for her sisters safety, she also had confidence in her abilities, and it would not do to create a panic- regardless of what was going on.
And so, Celestia trotted. In short order, she came upon a contingent of guards outside her sisters door, as well as a visibly shaken night-maid. However, what struck her as odd was that asid from the sound of metal brushing metal, caused by the guards armor, there did not seem to be any commotion or action happening. “What’s the situation, captain?” she asked a guard, the only one with a crested helm.
He abruptly turned and saluted. “Princess Celestia!” he greeted. “Currently, the situation is unkown. The doors have been blocked by Princess Luna’s own magic, and we believe the sounds of combat are being muffled similarly, as we have yet to hear anything.” She nodded and began her assessment.
Not much to go on. She lamented mentally. However, it was good that Luna had taken precautions to keep whatever menace this was from spreading, as well as limiting any chance of panic. “Has anypony seen the creature? Do we know what it is?” she asked.
He thought a moment, not to consider the question, but to mull over the answer. “Yes to the first one, no to the second. The maid over there” he gestured to the night-maid “walked in, apparently keeping a coffee schedule the Princess established months ago, and found herself just a few feet from it.” He reported professionally. “From what we could get out of her, in between sobs, is that it was around seven to eight feet tall, wearing some kind of clothing, and is by no means a pony. Its most distinctive attributes are that it is, apparently, a skeleton of some kind, intelligent enough to speak, though we couldn’t get her to tell us what it said to her, and that it did not seem to be actively harming the princess, suggesting some sort of mental or magical based mode of offense.” He stopped a moment, and mulled something over, before hesitantly continuing. “Also, it seems to be-“
“IT WAS SO FRENCH!!!!!” screamed the maid from the side of the room, startling everypony in the vascinity. Celestia stared at her incredulously, not speaking.
The military stallion coughed. “Y-yeah, I’m actually not sure how that helps us.”
“To the contrary, my little pony,” she responded kindly, “Knowing the creatures origin tells us a great deal, such as what forces might have created it, as well as what kinds of responses would be most appropriate.” She pushed past the military pony gently, the others moving aside without being told. “Thank you all for your vigilance and candor, my little ponies, but it is time I take over.” She had also noticed something else; if the account was to be believed, then that means the creature had already been inside with Luna when the night maid had arrived for coffee, and the maid was actually the one who had screamed. This meant that, whatever was going on, Luna had managed to keep a cool head. Atta girl. She thought with a smirk.
However, the time for reports and thinking had passed, and Celestia was poised for action. She spread her wings before the door, lit up her horn and initiated her teleportation spell. With a loud POP she exited the hallway of gathered guardsmen-
-And entered the sealed room containing her sister and the unidentified monster. Quickly getting her bearings, Celestia kept her horn lit and her stance low, ready for anything.
Well, except for her sister and the skeleton in question sitting at a table drinking coffee and laughing. “- And can you believe she thought ‘walkman to a boneman’ was funny?” asked the skeleton, both he and her sister remaining oblivious in the midst of their conversation.
Luna winced, but with a good-natured grin. “Rainbow’s always been more accustomed to physical humor, at which she excels; however, her skills in wordplay leave much to be desired.”
He snorted “Priest, meet choir.” He seemed to notice the new addition, all of a sudden, as if out of the corner of his non-existent eyes. “Oh,” he exclaimed, “And who is zees?” he asked. Celestia, regarded him for a moment, taking in his somewhat silly garb and his ridiculous curly queue mustache. Oh yeah, she thought, definitely a French stereotype.
“Sister!” exclaimed excitedly. “Oh this is wonderful! Come, you must meet my new friend, Jacque!”
Celestia was several millennia old, had lived through wars and disasters and monster attacks- you name it, she’d seen it. She had, for years, planned contingencies for everything from a structural collapse in the castle to the spontaneous deletion of the existence of Friday for month (guess which one she had actually used.) For this one, she came up with “Wait… What?”
“Aaaaand that makes nine.” Said her sister matter-of-fact-ly. “You weren’t kidding Jacque, you do get that a lot.”
He nodded politely, graciously accepting some kind of victory. He turned to regard Celestia herself. “Well, I don’t suppose zat maid sent ze fresh eclairs I asked for wis you?” he asked. “after all this time, I feel like I’m withering away.” He tugged at his jacket.
Celestia’s eyes widened. Oh god please no.
“Sister?” asked Luna. “Are you alright? I know he’s different, but I assure you he means no harm.” Celestia tried to relax a bit. Maybe it was just a one-time th-
“Eez she alright?” he interjected. “she went so pale zere, I thought she might be competing wis old Jacque.” His grin seemed to grow, as her own face fell.
Oh stars this is my life now, isn’t it? She lamented internally. What made it worse was that Luna, ever the comedic midget, began laughing out loud at the terrible pun. “Isn’t he hilarious?!” Luna questioned. Please no. “Though, admittedly, you’ve been firing those off for a while; you’ve got to be running out soon right?” she asked Jacque, to which he only twirled his ridiculous mustache.
One can only hope. In a hurry to deflect, Celestia instead asked. “Luna, why did you lock the door? The guards are very worried.”
Luna scrunched up her face. “Oh, that?” she asked, as if it had been an afterthought. “They were being very rude.” She told her sister. “In spite of my best efforts to diffuse the situation, every time one or two would enter, one after the other, they would-“ she stopped and grinned at Jacque. “Get all up in arms!” she waggled her eyebrows, and laughed.
“stop it.” Said Celestia, though neither her sister, or Jacque seemed to be willing to.
“Oh come now sister, lighten up!”
“stop it.”
Luna giggled and continued. “Well, it seems that there was nothing I could do to assuage their fears, especially after that maid made such a fuss, so rather than deal with it and lose the chance for good company and a change of pace, I simply locked the door. I even saved the coffee she brought.” She raised the almost empty pot as proof.
“I don’t know what zey were so afraid of.” Commented Jacque. Here it comes. “I’m not much more zan skeen and bones.” He paused dramatically. “Well, actually…” he trailed off innocently, and Luna went nuts.
“Stop. It.”
Luna rolled her eyes. “Since it seems we won’t be getting those pancakes I asked for, how about you make some, sister dearest?” asked Luna innocently. “I know you like to; you can even make the faces on them like always.”
“SHE MAKES FACES ON PANCAKES??” Jacque exclaimed, seeming somewhere between flabbergasted and awed. He lowered himself down, his volume following suit. “Can she do crepes?” he asked reverently. “I’d just die for crepes.” Luna again lost her mind.
Celestia glared at him.
“It might be a little late for that.” Called a silky male voice from the rooftop. AND THEN THERE’S THIS ASSHOLE!! All eyes (figuratively) went upward, and immediately all spotted a strangely draconequis shaped support beam. Discord grinned his lopsided grin at them all, and began his decent.
“Why. Are you. Here.” Spat Celestia through her teeth.
“Well, I was just moseying through your drawers, as I am wont to do, when I hear about this somethingorwhatzit mucking about, and I says to myself, I says-“ another Discord appeared and spoke “An un-identifiable thingymajagger, why that’s my bit!” instead of poofing out to end the scenario, or him finishing on his own, a third Discord appeared. “And so I rushed on over to see what all the hu-bub was about.” Without having ever touched the ground, Discord(s) leaned in over Jacque and inspected him. “Got to say, i’m a bit disappointed.”
Jacque only harrumphed. “Well, you appear to have a rather high opinion of yourself.” Celestia immediately stared at him in abject horror. Jaque noticed, and his grin appeared to grow dark. “’Zat’s right, we ran out of skeleton puns, so now we’re going on to pun’s about everything else.”
Two of the Discords disappeared, and the last remaining (not the one who had started as the main one) rolled his eyes- in opposite directions. “Puns?” he drolled. “Is that all?” with a snap, everypony was wearing a dress, even Jacque had one on over his suit. Discord rolled his head upside down and grinned at him. “Haven’t you got any better material?” he asked.
A light seemingly went off in Jaques head. “Are zere no breaks on zis crazy train?!” he exclaimed, realizing that Discord was the mad god of chaos that he was, and that the night would only get weirder from here if allowed. “Or at least a peet-stop?” he finished, feigning sheepishness in his dress.
“STOP IT!”
Discord had a good laugh, though not at Jaque. “It’s worth having you here just to get the old reactions out of her.” He cackled, and with a snap of his fingers the dresses were gone and all was as it was. “Too bad you can’t keep up with my brand of comedy.”
Jacque paid his insulting nature no mind, and instead returned to the mare he had started with. “So, Luna, how has your night been?” He asked earnestly.
She grinned at him. “Oh, most wonderful.” She beamed. “While I do find work fulfilling, it’s always hard to meet new ponies at this time of night.”
“Shall I sing to you the song of ‘Midnight Bar Creeps?’” asked Discord, and without waiting for an answer, he began to sing a rather depraved tune about red-solo cups and lack of moral standards, which all the others chose to tune out and let become back-ground noise.
Luna continued. “I am most pleased that Twilight Sparkle chose to recommend me to you; this has been an exceptionally enjoyable night.” Jacque seemed to smile even wider, and offered a deep and courteous bow. As he rose, Luna giggled, and asked “Mayhap you could return sometime? We could make a night of it.”
“Oh, please no.” moaned Celestia.
“Come now, leetle white mare, it can’t have been all that bad?” he asked innocently. “At least you looked nice in ze dress.”
Celestia gave an un-ladylike snort at the supposed compliment. “Oh I bet you think your just hilarious.” she grumbled. And immediately, she stiffened realizing the age-old setup she’d just provided. And, being the gentleman he was, Jacque took her up on it.
“Leetle mare,” he said, leaning down to eye level, “I’m as punny as they come.”
And that was it. “ENOUGH OF THE BUCKING PUNS!!!” she screamed. Admittedly, she had come into this far from her normal self, refusing to even try to take his quirk in stride and just ride it out. However, Discord had been tailing her for days, taking every opportunity to get under her skin, and add to that the stresses of her daily duties, as well as several small things she had been made to deal with that were nothing less than aggravating for no reason. And now this; she had been woken up just past midnight by a loud scream, expected a fight, and got a weird thing that wouldn’t shut up, and who had likely given Luna a habit that wouldn’t let up for at least a month.
“I'm sorry Luna,” she hissed, not actually sounding sorry at all, but meaning it non-the-less, “this isn’t about you, or even your friend Jacque, it’s not even about Discord-mostly.” She had lowered to a hostile fighting stance. “Its about how everything seems to happen at once, and in spite of me asking you- REPEATEDLY- to STOP.THAT. You have all gone out of your way to get under my skin; at ZERO DARK THIRTY IN THE MORNING!!!”
Luna and Jacque backed up, flabbergasted at her reaction, and though the situation was tense, Jacque noticed that, through the screaming, Celestia was also crying. Oh dear.
Only Discord didn’t seem to care. He leaned in, grinned his toothy grin, and said “Come now Tia dear, stop all that screaming. Your getting a little hoarse!” and he began to laugh uproariously at his own humor.
Celestia, on the other hand, rather than blasting him, or screaming some more, or even leaving, just kind of broke down, and started bawling like a filly. Refusing to take notice, however, Discord turned to Jacque, and told him “Oh, I may have been wrong about you.” He grinned. “This is fun!” and he began to laugh some more.
Jacque, however, ignored him, and went to sit next to Celestia. He considered petting her, but decided it wouldn’t be in the best of taste, all things considered, and instead just sat there and looked at her, his empty eyes unreadable. Finally, after a long pause of just Discord laughing in mean-spirited fun and Celestia crying in frustration, Jacque spoke. “That’s right.” He said gently. “Eet was supposed to be fun. I felt the dourness and sadness in this castle from the moment I arrived, and assumed it was little Luna over there causing it. However, in spite of how happy she seemed to be, I was not called away. And now I know why.” He leaned down and placed his head next to Celestia’s, nearly touching the floor. “You leave this to old Jacque.” He said softly. “He will make it all better.”
Jacque turned to the oblivious draconequis and stood. “Quite ze gentleman you are,” he said flatly, “making a young lady cry.” Discord barely slowed down, but still turned to face the skeleton. “Of course, vis a face like that, it can’t be hard.” And the laughter stopped, as did the sobbing, as all eyes turned to Jacque.
“Come again?” asked Discord menacingly.
“What, are zose ears for show?” he asked, still mirthless, “If so, you may want to invest in a more appealing set.” Discord loomed over him, visibly cross at the affront. Jacque however, just kept going. “Oh, come now, I thought you were enjoying yourself?” he leaned in, this time letting some of his old tone leak in. “Why ze long face?” he mocked.
A giggle, small and short, came from below. Discord and Luna, surprised, looked at Celestia who had raid her head enough to look back at them, a small smile on her face for the first time that evening. Luna’s eyes sparked with realization, knowing what Jacque was doing. “You mentioned that I need some new material earlier,” said Jacque, not stopping his roll, “but looking at you I can sink of nothing but recycled gimmicks; or parts, in your case.” Discord leaned back, but before he could retort Luna laughed this time; loudly. Jacque stepped forward, bringing Discords attention back to him. “For a whatsyamacallit who likes to pick on little mares so much, you sure don’t like it when someone gets your goat; or at least its leg.” Discord snorted, but again was interrupted. Both Celestia and Luna had laughed this time, and Celestia had risen back to her hooves.
“What’s ze matter? You had so many jokes before.” Jacque continued. “All zose spare bits, and not one has a funny bone?” again more laughter, this time louder, as well as longer.
Discords eyes narrowed. “Don’t think I don’t see what you’re doing.” He hissed.
“But aren’t you Chaos incarnate?” came the retort. “I sought not thinking was your forte`.” More laughter.
“You’re. Not. Funny.” Seethed Discord.
Luna laughed. “Oh, like you would know.” She told him. “Even with all your powers and pranks, you wouldn’t know a good joke if it bit you in the butt.”
Celestia snickered. “Either of them.” And all three laughed at the joke.
Jacque leaned in again, and when he did the air around him darkened. “Not so fun, is eet?” he asked darkly. “Being ze butt of ze joke.” Discord glared back.
Celestia and Luna joined him at his side, and Celestia spoke. “Discord,” she said authoritatively, “I think it’s about time you left.” And using her magic, she booted him out the balcony with a yelp- a balcony situated to the left of the group. Looking satisfied that the plague bothering her had been given the boot, she turned to face the other two. “That went well.”
Luna giggled. “And a long time coming. Nice pun by the way.”
“Meh,” said the third of the group “I’ve heard better.”
Celestia rolled her eyes. “Everyponies a critic. Now, how about those Crepes?” she asked jovially.
However, a tingle had formed at the back of his skull, and Jacque knew it was time to go; everyone was happy tonight. “I’m afraid not, ma peti`t poney.” He bowed again, as he had earlier in the night. “Eet seems old Jacque has had his fun, and eet is time to go. Besides, ees eet not razer late?” he asked. Celestia sighed, knowing he was right, but none-the-less wishing he would stay a bit.
Instead of asking him to stay, however, she instead lowered her head in a small bow, returning his own. “farewell then.” She bade him. “I deeply apologize for my discourteous behavior this night, and if you choose to return know I will make every effort to make it up to you.”
“I as well.” Stated Luna. “While I can’t say I was having as rough a time as Sister, I was most certainly in need of the company.” She offered a bow of her own to the skeleton. “And the puns were a bit of a rare treat; I am so rarely greeted with comedy, given my disposition. I look forward to our next encounter.”
“As do I, ma cheri`, as do I. But for now, I bid you adeu.” He turned and began to walk in the direction of the balcony where Discord had exited just a bit earlier. As he walked, he began to vaporize, passing through the balcony’s stone railing as if it wasn’t there and walking on air for a few steps before disappearing.
Smiling happily, they both left the room, one headed for the kitchen to get coffee, the other to bed to try and get at least a couple of hours of proper rest. However, they had both forgotten the gaggle of guards and the scared little maid that had been outsid. “Princess Luna!” came the exclamation. “Princess Celestia! How did it go? Was the monster vanquished?”
Luna and Celestia smiled tiredly at each other. “Yes, the situation is resolved.” Celestia told the guard. She grinned a bit and finished with “~Ma Petit Poney.”
“OH, STARS, NOW THEIR FRENCH!!!!” the maid fainted.
Author's Note
this. this is what happens. its what happens when for the first time in years, i ask myself "hey, you know whats funny?"
the answer is puns. bad puns are funny.