Herp Derpby Unwhole HoleChaptersChapter 1: Spells and StuffChapter 3: The BasementChapter 4: Herp DerpChapter 5: In a HouseChapter 6: Another HouseChapter 7: Accosted by Flutter ButterChapter 8: SmashedChapter 2: Glue TrapChapter 1: Spells and StuffRainbow Dash arrived at the castle and nearly flopped onto the ground. The floor was crystal and therefore probably cold, but even it looked extremely comfortable compared to being awake. In fact, the allure of the challenge of sleeping on the floor only made Rainbow Dash even more intrigued. “Ugh,” she said, wiping her eyes. “It’s too early to be this awesome…” “It’s two in the afternoon.” Rainbow Dash screamed and jumped into the air. Shaking, she looked down from the conveniently placed chandelier that she was clinging too. “TWILIGHT!” she cried, looking down at the alicorn who had suddenly appeared beside her. “Where in the name of Celestia’s butt did you come from?!” Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Rainbow, you’ve met my parents. Also, don’t take the name of Celestia’s butt in vain. If you say it too many times, she appears. And she’s very busy with Princess work at the moment, so I would recommend against calling her butt.” “Really?” “You would be surprised.” Twilight reached out with her magic and peeled Rainbow Dash away from the chandelier. “I’m so glad you could come help me with my magic today!” “Wait, what?” Rainbow Dash allowed herself to be set gently onto the floor. “Magic? You mean, like, spells and stuff?” “Yes. Spells and stuff.” “But Twilight, you know I’m no good at spelling!” “I am aware of that fact. But everypony else was busy.” Twilight counted off her various friends. “Fluttershy has hoof-and-mouth. Again. Rarity is off in Canterlot doing sassy things with Sassy Saddles, Pinkie Pie got her head stuck in the oven, and Applejack is out on her family’s yacht trying to catch crab apples.” “Was it on?” “Was what on?” “The oven!” Twilight paused for a moment. “I sure hope not.” Rainbow Dash sighed. “You know I’m the only one of your friends that has an actual job, right? One where I get paid wages and stuff?” “But you just said you were sleeping!” “Um, yeah. I sleep at work.” Twilight eyed her disapprovingly. “What? Have you ever worked with clouds? They’re really soft!” She snorted. “I don’t see why I need to do this. I mean, isn’t this what Starlight is for?” “Yes, usually, but our activities last night really tuckered her out.” She pointed upward. “She’s sleeping in my bed right now.” “Your bed?” “It’s a lot softer than hers.” “And…activities?” “Yeah. You know. Making magic.” Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow. “What are you implying, Twilight?” “I’m not implying anything. You know how it is. Two young, purple wizards, living together. Seeing each other all the time…so exactly what you expect to happen happens.” Twilight shrugged. “But since she’s asleep, I need somepony else to make magic with. And you were the only one not busy.” “Making me feel real special, Twilight.” Rainbow Dash looked at her. “Why aren’t you tired, though?” “Well, my motto had always been that I’ll sleep when I’m dead.” “You’re an alicorn, though. Aren’t you immortal?” “I know!” Twilight giggled wildly. She then stopped suddenly and cleared her throat. “Anyway, we never get to do anything together anyway.” She started trotting off. “So! Shall we check the glue traps?” “Glue…wait, what?” Chapter 3: The BasementThe castle, apparently, had a basement. This was something new to Rainbow Dash. “How did I not know about this?” she asked. “Why would you know about my basement?” asked Twilight. “That’s just ridiculous!” “But, like, your castle is a tree, right? So that would make this…” “The root cellar.” Rainbow Dash groaned. “No, Twilight. Just no.” “What? It’s where I keep my beer!” “Beer?” Rainbow Dash was suddenly intrigued. “Yes.” Twilight gestured to several racks similar to the type that were usually used to hold wine. “My ROOT beer.” “Am I going to have to slap you?” “That depends.” “On what?” “On WHERE.” Rainbow Dash shivered. “Um,” said Derpy, “do I need to be here for this? I kind of, you know, have children. Who are alone right now.” Rainbow Dash and Twilight turned to Derpy, who was strapped down onto an uncomfortable metal bed. Due to the number of straps and how tight Twilight had insisted on making them, Derpy was entirely unable to move any part of her body. “They’ll be fine,” said Twilight dismissively. “I don’t know,” said Rainbow Dash, “they are HER children.” “They are?” said Derpy, her eyes widening. “I never knew! But it all makes so much sense now!” She gasped. “Do their fathers know about this? Should we tell them?” Twilight frowned. “Have you ever eaten paint chips of any kind?” “Oh yes!” said Derpy. “Why, do you have any? They don’t taste so bad!” “Hmm,” said Twilight, flipping a page in her notes. “Well, that means we’ll have to turn up the radiation dose.” “Wait, radiation?” said Rainbow Dash. “Of course. Nothing science-y every happens without radiation. By the way, don’t try to have children after this. Not unless you want to end up like Princess Cadence.” They all shuddered. “Wait,” said Rainbow Dash as Twilight went to the various machines and vats of bubbling fluid (that may or may not have been root beer) that filled the room. “I thought you said we were doing spelling, not science.” “Magic. Not spelling. And you know what they say.” “No. I don’t. I seriously don’t. I don’t even know why I’m here. And the fact that we have a mare strapped down on a table makes me feel uncomfortable.” “They say that science is just extremely advanced magic. You are here to help hold her down. And it is not uncomfortable at all. I’ve tried it.” “You have?” “Of course! Starlight straps me down at least twice a week.” “Why?” Twilight groaned. “I already covered this, Dash. To make magic.” “Ze magics!” said Derpy excitedly, mimicking Photo Finish. She then looked confused. “Wait…so you are here to take pictures of me? I don’t know how I feel about that. I didn’t even brush my mane. Because I have no hands to hold the brush.” “If we’re taking pictures of her, I’m leaving,” said Rainbow Dash. “That’s just too weird.” Twilight turned around. She was holding a long probe that sparked loudly at the end. “There is nothing ‘weird’ about this. I assure you, this is completely normal. And legal. After all, I write the laws here.” “What about the Manga Carta?” asked Derpy. “Ah, yes,” groaned Twilight. “Well, you know what happened to Sombra when he tried to introduce it.” She shrugged, and then lifted the probe. “Where are you going to put that?” asked Rainbow Dash. Twilight grinned. “In the hole.” She then shoved the probe into the hole- -which was part of one of the various machines that surrounded her. It hummed to life, and Twilight pulled down a large item on a metallic arm. It rather closely resembled the x-ray machine that a dentist would use, except larger. “Are you going to check my teeth?” asked Derpy. “I brush every day!” She suddenly sighed. “No. I lied. I don’t. Because I swallowed my last three toothbrushes and the doctor says that if I do it one more time- -” “No, no no,” said Twilight. “I’m not that kind of doctor.” “Wait,” said Rainbow Dash, “you’re a doctor?” “Um, yeah?” said Twilight. Rainbow Dash could not tell if she was lying. “What do you think Celestia’s school was? I have a PhD.” “Really?” said Derpy. “So do I!” Rainbow Dash and Twilight turned to her. “You do?” “Two, actually.” They stared at each other for a moment, and then decided to ignore Derpy. “Right,” said Twilight. “This beam contains a powerful reactor that will generate a magical field to be collimated through a rune-inscribed crystal. I will then be able to modulate the field to produce various effects in the target.” “Really,” said Rainbow Dash, caring very little but feeling oddly nervous. “What sort of effects?” “That depends.” “On what?” “On if my next grant comes from the Equestria Medical Association or the military.” “No. I mean what is it going to do NOW.” Rainbow Dash looked at Derpy, who was definitely looking at something. Perhaps even several somethings. “I mean, I don’t want to hurt her. She’s a bit of a ditz, but she’s still our friend. And I think she’s cute.” “Aw, Dash!” said Derpy. “I think you’re cute too! Let’s get ice cream when this is done! Twilight can come too! I know a place that makes muffin-flavored ice cream, and ice-cream flavored muffins, and muffin flavored muffins- -” Twilight inserted a gag into her mouth. “And there we go. Now, Rainbow, if you could get the crystal, I’ll prepare the incantation tape.” “Right,” said Rainbow Dash. Twilight pointed her to the far end of the room, and she flew there, landing in front of a large gem-cutting apparatus. She was not exactly having the best time, but this was hardly the worst. Twilight was her friend, after all, and she liked spending time with her even if she was a bit of an egghead. After all, Twilight had gone with her to a number of sporting events and athletic activities that she clearly was not the biggest fan of. Just being with her was enough. Rainbow Dash looked at the machine, somewhat confused. She had no idea what she was looking at. There was not just one gem, either. There was a large one in the center covered by a clasp, with the various rather aggressive aspects of the machines facing it, but it looked very well ingrained. Rainbow Dash assumed that it was just part of the device, like the way cloud factories were mostly made of clouds. There were other smaller gems around the edge of the machine. Rainbow Dash picked one of those up. They seemed correct. She then returned to the machine. “I got the gem,” she said. “Good. Plug it in,” said Twilight, looking through a book and feeding tickertape into a reel. “I’ll be there in a second.” Rainbow Dash looked up at the machine and sighed. Sometimes Twilight forgot that it was difficult for non-unicorns to do manual tasks that involved any sort of dexterity. That was, after all, why unicorns were the overloads of all pony kind save only for alicorns. So Rainbow Dash just shoved the crystal in the front of the machine. “Good enough,” she said, shrugging. “Right,” said Twilight, attaching the real to a machine and levitating a book over to the device. She gave Rainbow Dash some goggles. “Put these on.” “Why?” “Have you ever seen what happens if you put a grape in the microwave?” “No.” “Exactly. Neither have I. And I don’t want to. So put on the goggles.” She pulled down the machine. “And thank Celestia’s butt we’re not stallions.” Twilight began flipping switches and turning knobs of various types, and Rainbow Dash quickly put on the goggles. Everything suddenly appeared dark and rose-tinted, making the world seem quite pleasant. Then Twilight began, and the pleasantness began to fade. “Why do I feel so tingly?” said Rainbow Dash. “No reason. Just the radiation. Don’t worry, that’s normal.” “If I ghoulify, I’m going to slap you.” “I said don’t worry! That’s only happened, like, twice when I’ve tried this.” “Wait, twice- -” “FIRE!” The room suddenly erupted with light, and Rainbow Dash was thrown backward. Twilight looked confused and then screamed as she too was thrown back. The machine exploded, and the beam shot forward, striking Derpy in the chest. Rainbow Dash was knocked into partial unconsciousness, and when she came too, she felt terrible. “Ugh,” she said. “Why am I always the one getting injured?” She stood up and took off her goggles. The room was in shambles, and Twilight was lying on her back, smoldering just slightly. She smelled like cooking grapes. “Twilight!” cried Rainbow Dash, rushing to her friend’s side. “Are you okay?” “I think so,” said Twilight. “Alicorns are immortal, after all. It still hurts though.” She sat up and groaned. “Ow.” She sniffed. “What smells like cooking grapes?” Rainbow Dash pointed at Twilgiht’s singed wings. “What- -oh, Luna’s German-shepherd hips! My wings! That’s going to take FOREVER to preen!” Twilight immediately started chewing on one of her wings. “Hmm. Grapy.” Rainbow Dash diverted her eyes. “Um, Twilight, you remember how we talked about doing that in front of other ponies?” “Oh,” said Twilight, releasing her wing. “Sorry.” She stood up with some difficulty. “But what went wrong? I performed the spell correctly…” “It exploded.” Twilight looked to Rainbow Dash, clearly not amused. “No. You don’t say.” Rainbow Dash shrugged. “I call ‘em like I see ‘em.” Twilight picked up the machine and turned it over. She removed the tiny bluish crystal, and her eyes widened. “Rainbow,” she said, slowly, “what is this?” “The crystal.” “THIS IS NOT THE CRYSTAL!” cried Twilight. “This is- -I don’t even know what this is!” She licked it and grimaced. “Rock candy?” “But I got it from where you told me to- -” “Yes, the BIG one! You know, the one INSIDE the machine!” “Oh…” “I had Pinkie Pie carve it especially for this purpose.” “Pinkie Pie?” “She’s an expert in rock processing.” “And at eating rock candy.” Twilight gasped and looked at the crystal. “PINKIE!” she cried. Both her and Rainbow Dash looked around, thinking that she might actually appear at the sound of her own name, just like Celestia’s butt. “Well,” said Twilight after Pinkie did not, in fact, appeared, “at least we’re both okay.” “Yeah.” They both suddenly stopped and looked at each other. “But what about Derpy?” They turned to the table, and saw that the gray Pegasus mare was gone. In her place was something else entirely. Staring back up at them with a pair of yellow eyes- -or staring at something with a pair yellow eyes, or a pair of somethings- -was a large gray lizard. Rainbow Dash and Twilight stared, and the lizard stared back. Its forked tongue flicked out at one point, tasting the air, and the derped eyes rolled in its head as it looked around. Rainbow Dash and Twilight screamed. “I turned her into a lizard!” wailed Twilight. “How did that even happen?!” “I don’t know, I don’t know!” “Change her back, change her back!” “Hold on! I have to find a spell!” Twilight raced to the edge of the room, pulling down book after book. “I don’t- -this shouldn’t- -how did- -” “Twilight, breathe!” “I’m too stressed to breathe! YOU BREATHE!” “YOU FIRST!” “YELLING!” “YELLING!” They both suddenly ran out of air, and then started panting heavily. Twilight put her head into her hooves. “I turned a mother of two into a reptile!” she wept. “Amphibian,” said Rainbow Dash. Twilight looked up. “What?” “I said I think you turned a mother of two into an amphibian.” “You don’t even know the difference!” “Of course I do! I’ve known Fluttershy since I was four years old! We even made out once!” “Wait, what- -” “You did NOT hear that,” said Rainbow Dash, her face scrunching. “I just- -I panicked. It’s completely normal.” “I didn’t say it wasn’t- -” “NORMAL!” “Okay okay! We have bigger problems, though.” Twilight pointed toward the table. “We have to get her turned back into a pony before…before…” “Before she gets away?” They both looked at the table. The derping herptile it had contained had departed. The table was now quite empty. +��Z$"�oVs|D� Chapter 4: Herp Derp“Are you sure she isn’t in the castle?” asked Rainbow Dash. “Positive,” replied Twilight, who was quite out of breath. Rainbow Dash was flying beside her, but due to Twilight’s excessively long and feathery alicorn wings as well as her own poor coordination and general athleticism, she had elected to run- -something she was almost equally bad at. “Which in this case is negative! I didn’t find a single lizard in the castle! Not even Spike!” “Do you know where he is? I mean, I don’t know, lizard and amphibian, maybe he can help!” “He usually takes a pair of binoculars and a box of tissues and goes to help Rarity at this time of day, but she’s not here so I don’t know- -and she’s a REPTILE.” “My own road apples! She’s totally a salamander!” “No, she’s a lizard, if you study the auditory orifice- -” Twilight shook her head. “No, I don’t have time to argue this!” She pulled out a book and threw it into Rainbow Dash’s face. “I studied what happened! It was an aberrant transmutation spell with an animalistic bias!” “Which means what?” “It means I can reverse the spell, but if we don’t change her back by sunset, she’ll be a reptile forever!” “Amphibian.” “FOREVER!” “Sweet Cadence’s milk, I heard you!” said Rainbow Dash, pushing the book away and landing beside Twilight. They had entered the center of town. “So we need to hurry. Well, then you should be glad you’ve got me. I’m the master of hurry. And hustle, but only sometimes.” She looked around. “Are you sure she came to Ponyville, though?” “Whatever part of her is still Derpy probably remembers that she used to be a pony. She’ll be here. Somewhere.” Twilight looked out at the town. Usually it looked tiny from her castle windows. Now it looked so very huge. She had no idea what to do, so she rushed forward and grabbed the nearest pony who was walking by. “Golden Harvest!” she cried. “Quick! You have to tell me! Have you seen a herp derp?” Golden Harvest blinked, confused and slightly unnerved by Twilight’s sudden presence. “Herp…derp?” “Herp derp!” “Herp derp?” “HERP DERP! HERP DERP!” By this point, Golden Harvest had gone from unnerved to downright afraid. She burst into tears and pushed Twilight away, causing her to sprawl on her back. She then ran away crying. “Golden Harvest! Wait!” Twilight flailed her legs, trying to stand up, but her wings had lodged themselves in such a position that she was not longer able to right herself. “You didn’t answer the question!” “I’m pretty sure she would be a derp herp, not a herp derp,” noted Rainbow Dash. “Don’t you lecture me on adjective order! I’ve wrote six treatises on the subject!” Twilight grunted and tried to lift herself. “Gah! How do you stand back up when you get stuck like this?” Rainbow Dash shrugged. “How would I know? I’m never the one on my back.” She paused. “And from the look of it, you haven’t spent that much time on your back either.” “Of course not! Why would I be on my back? I’m all helpless and vulnerable like this! Rainbow, come on! Help me up!” Rainbow Dash did so. It was somewhat difficult. Twilight was heavy. “Oof! You know, you don’t need to put butter on ALL of your food, Twilight!” “Well you’re one to give advice, miss carbo-loader!” They looked at each other, and then apologized. “I’m sorry,” said Twilight. “That crossed the line. You’re an athlete, and I know that you need a special diet for performance.” “No, it’s my fault,” said Rainbow Dash. “I mean, if I had that royal butter that Cadence sends you all the time, I’d eat it on everything too! That stuff is awesome!” She poked at her chin in thought. “Although…come to think of it, I’ve never seen a cow in the Crystal Empire. I wonder where she gets the milk from…” Suddenly, the air was rent by a shrill and bloodcurdling scream. “Whoa,” said Rainbow Dash, wobbling slightly. “I think my blood just curdled. I didn’t even know it could do that.” “It’s coming from Bon Bon’s house!” cried Twilight, pointing across the plaza. “Oh,” said Rainbow Dash. “Yeah. That’s pretty normal.” “We have to- -wait, what?” “Yeah. Whenever Lyra goes over. Sometimes multiple times. I think they’re really big fans of Stepping King. Or maybe Loveloft.” She sighed. “But they never invite me. And I love the horror genera…” “Aww,” said Twilight. She put her hoof on Rainbow Dash’s shoulder. “You should have told me. I have an entire shelf! You can come read it if- -” There was another scream. “On second thought, we should probably deal with this first, though.” Chapter 5: In a HouseWhen Twilight threw open the door, she found the inside of the domicile to be in a state of utter chaos. Furniture was strewn about, as were the various sundry objects of pony life. “Wow,” said Rainbow Dash. “It looks like a tornado hit here. And I would know. I once accidentally let one slip at work last week.” “Wait, that was you- -” There was another scream, and both Twilight teleported to its origin. Rainbow Dash and her arrived at the same time into the kitchen to find that the source of the screaming was none other than Lyra heartstrings. She was wearing a translucent nightie and frilly bottoms, and apparently clinging to the top of a set of curtains that were slowly starting to rip. “NOOOO!” she wailed. “It’s going to get me! Get it away, GET IT AWAY!” The curtain ripped suddenly and Lyra screamed. Bon Bon, who was below, was trying to help but doing a poor job. “Lyra, calm down,” she said. “YOU CALM DOWN! Don’t you tell me to calm down, Bon Bon! I didn’t tell you to calm down when the store was out of vanilla sprinkles!” The curtains ripped again and Lyra fell completely to the floor with a thud and the sort of sickening soft sound of fifty pounds of pony landing against tile. “What’s going on here?!” cried Twilight. Bon Bon looked at her, and then pointed to the table in the center of the room. It was the only thing that was not covered in debris or detritus. Instead, it was covered in a tablecloth- -and on that tablecloth sat a gray lizard, repeatedly extending and retracting its tongue to lick a muffin that had been left out on a small saucer, tasting it. “It’s a monster!” cried Lyra, standing up in a dazed state. “MONSTER! So gross, SO GROSS! Don’t let it get me!” She shrieked again, pulling herself up and into a kitchen cabinet. She then pulled open a drawer with her magic and began to toss various utensils at the lizard on the table. Since she had already expended the entire supply of forks- -they were imbedded in nearly every wall- -she instead was forced to rely on spoons. “Wait!” cried Twilight. “Don’t!” It was too late, but Twilight’s protest was also inconsequential. Poor Lyra was so panicked that she could not aim straight. All of her projectiles sailed over Derpy- -and toward Rainbow Dash. “GAH!” cried Rainbow Dash, dodging the spoons with extreme speed and precision. “Lyra!” snapped Bon Bon, angrily. “Stop trying to spoon Rainbow Dash! We talked about this!” “But it’s so GROSS!” cried Lyra, tears pouring from her eyes. “It’s WORSE than a parasprite! Get it! GET IT!” The cabinet then broke, listing forward and spilling Lyra onto the floor. Bon Bon sighed. “Great,” she said. “And there goes the cabinet.” She turned to Twilight and Rainbow Dash. “Eh! You two! Are you going to do something about this or what?” “Probably not,” admitted Rainbow Dash. “This is hilarious.” “I’ll handle it,” said Twilight. She reached out with her magic and levitated Derpy off the table. The lizard was relatively limp, but as soon as it was lifted it turned to Twilight- -and then flipped over, sliding out of her magic and onto the floor. “Twilight!” cried Rainbow Dash, “what did you DO?!” “I don’t know! She’s really slippery!” “Slippery?” cried Lyra. “SLIPPERY? EW EW EW EWWW EEWWWWWW!” “You’re not helping!” snapped Bon Bon. Derpy looked up at them, and then started running across the floor- -directly toward Lyra. Lyra froze in panic. “Grab her!” cried Twilight. Lyra glared at her and extended her hooves. “With WHAT?” Derpy suddenly stopped. The whole room became silent and still as they watched in suspense. Derpy overall did nothing- -and then yawned, revealing her strangely sharp teeth. Lyra began to tremble, and Rainbow Dash tilted her head. A pipe must have broken somewhere, because she heard water dripping onto the floor. “Great,” said Bon Bon, also hearing it. “Now I’m going to have a mold problem.” “Now just stay calm,” said Twilight, stepping forward. “I am at least thirty percent sure she isn’t venomous right now.” “V…venomous!” cried Lyra. She then screamed so loud that the other ponies had to cover their ears. “You’re not helping!” shouted Bon Bon. “Just let me do it!” yelled Rainbow Dash, exasperated. “No, wait!” It was too late. Rainbow Dash leapt forward, but before she could even reach Derpy Lyra jumped up from the floor and onto her back. “Oh- -Lyra- -stop! My wings!” “Venomous lizard! VENOMOUS LIZARD!” “She’s- -and- -AMPHIBIAN!” “I’m too young to die!” wept Lyra. “Oh, Celestia’s butt, save me! I- -I never had foals! I never got my master’s degree! I never saw the last season of My Little Human!” “Lyra, get off that Pegasus or I will GET YOU OFF!” cried Bon Bon, stamping her hoof. “NOOOOO!” Lyra lifted her head back and fired a beam at the lizard. It missed, and instead struck Twilight in the chest, sending her backward through a wall. “My drywall!” cried Bon Bon. “My wings!” cried Rainbow Dash. “My organs!” cried Twilight. “Li- -iz- -ERD!” cried Lyra. Derpy said nothing, as she was a lizard. She did seem confused, though, and looked up at Lyra. “Eww eeww eeww!” cried Lyra, picking up Derpy with her magic. Everypony paused. “You got her!” said Twilight, sitting up from the rubble of Bon Bon’s wall. Lyra then promptly threw Derpy out the window. “NO!” cried Rainbow Dash and Rainbow Dash. “Ah,” said Lyra, climbing off of Rainbow Dash. “I feel so much better! That was a close one!” “We were trying to catch that- -that liz- -um,” Twilight paused, “what are you two wearing?” Lyra and Bon Bon looked down at themselves. Lyra was of course wearing her nightie, but with the commotion over it was clear that Bon Bon was wearing ribbons. Only ribbons. With big bows. “Why are you dressed like that.” Rainbow Dash turned red and put her hoof on her face. “Twilight…” Bon Bon and Lyra’s faces scrunched. “We were…playing dress up?” suggested Bon Bon. Twilight looked at them suspiciously, and both of them began to sweat. Then suddenly she smiled. “Oh! I love dress up! Can I play too sometime?” Lyra’s eyes widened and she almost seemed to drool. “YES.” Bon Bon elbowed her hard. “We talked about that too,” she growled. “We don’t have time for that now,” said Rainbow Dash, pulling herself up and sticking her head out the window. “We need to catch that amphibian!” “She’s a reptile,” said Twilight, tipping Rainbow Dash out the window entirely with her magic. “It’s ours, after all.” “Wait, that was YOUR- -” Twilight leapt out the window after Rainbow Dash, leaving Lyra and Bon Bon alone in their ruined house. Bon Bon and Lyra looked at the window for a long time, and then Bon Bon slowly began to glare at Lyra. “Lyra…” Lyra hung her head, and started to walk off. “I know, I know,” she sighed. “I made a mess. Again. I’ll go put on the maid outfit now and get to work…” �2lsm]UWs�� Chapter 6: Another House“Where did she go?!” cried Twilight. She looked up at the sky. “It’s got to be three thirty already! There isn’t much time!” “Yes there is,” said Rainbow Dash. “Relax. Besides. Can’t you just tell Celestia to, you know, make it slow down?” “What?! Do you have any idea what your implying?!” “Yeah. You write a letter- -it’s easy for you, you have a horn- -and send it to her. Something like ‘Hey, I messed up royally, so I need you to slow the sun down or something. For friendship.’” Twilight glared. “I wasn’t the one who put in the wrong crystal.” “Well I wasn’t the one who trusted me to put in the RIGHT crystal.” They glared at each other for a moment, and then both sighed. “This isn’t getting us anywhere, is it?” said Rainbow Dash. “No. And I can’t ask Celestia to do that. She works very hard to keep the solar schedule, and it’s prepared months in advance. Even a few minutes would cause complete chaos. And I just can’t do that to her.” “Right. I know.” Rainbow Dash looked at her watch, which was drawn on. “Sunset?” “Oh. She’s in the human world still. From what I hear, they found a clone of me. Kind of weird that they haven’t found alternate-reality Sunset yet…” Rainbow Dash looked confused. “Not Sunset Shimmer,” she said, “regular sunset. As in, what time is it.” “Six thirty five.” “Okay. Then we still have three hours. Do you know what I could do in three hours? I could fly to YakYakistan and back- -twice. Or get halfway through a line at the Department of Unmotored Vehicles.” “Halfway? Impressive.” “Yeah. I am pretty impressive.” “And impressively pretty.” Rainbow Dash frowned. “Don’t make this weird, Twilight.” “Oops. Sorry.” Twilight suddenly reached out and shoved Rainbow Dash out of the way. “LOOK! There she is!” “Where- -” Twilight rushed past Rainbow Dash, lashing out with her magic at Derpy. Derpy looked up at her, and then flopped to the side, avoiding it easily before scuttling off down the street. “No you don’t!” cried Twilight. She engaged a teleportation spell and vanished, reappearing where the lizard had gone- -only to find it missing. “Huh?” she said, looking around. “I could have sworn…I hope I didn’t teleport to that mirror universe again…” It was at that moment that Derpy lowered her probably venomous reptilian face into Twilight’s field of vision. She was sitting on Twilight’s head. Twilight had nothing against lizards. She in fact rather liked them. But having one just suddenly appear like that, hiding in her mane, caused her to panic. “EEEK!” she cried, sounding almost like Fluttershy whenever she saw her own shadow. “GET HER OFF!” “Hold still!” cried Rainbow Dash. Twilight did- -and then felt something wet slam into her face with enough force to send her crumpling to the ground. “Ow,” she said, rubbing her smarting forehead. “Rainbow! What did you- -” She reached up to touch her horn, something she always did after a head injury to insure that it had not been snapped off- -and felt something that was not her horn. “Is this a cabbage?” She felt it some more, and realized that it was impaled on her horn. “Rainbow, did you just hit me in the face with a cabbage?” “I had to do something!” cried Rainbow Dash. “We’re not trying to smash her! She’s already had enough head injury in her life!” “I panicked, okay? I didn’t know what else to use! I mean, I considered a brick- -” “A BRICK?! You were going to hit me with a BRICK?” “Well I used the cabbage, didn’t I?” She looked around herself. “Where did Derpy go?” They both looked around, and caught sight of a tail vanishing around a nearby corner. “THERE!” they both cried at once, standing up and chasing after her. Derpy was surprisingly fast, though, and quickly skittered across the street and with some difficulty got under a door. “How is she so agile?” gasped Twilight, bracing herself on the fence of the house that Derpy had gone into. “Is she normally like this?” “No! Normally she can’t get ten feet without falling on her face! Or somepony else’s! Sometimes twice!” Twilight sighed and continued to catch her breath. When she did, she stood up. “Well, we know where she is now. It’s just a matter of getting her out of that one house. And I’m sure anypony in there will cooperate.” Confident in her own assertion, Twilight approached the door and knocked. There was no response, so Twilight knocked harder. When there was still no response, she charged her horn, preparing to blow the door in. The mental preparation was somewhat difficult, though; with her alicorn power, it was sometimes difficult to modulate the intensity. It was surprisingly easy to go from “knock the door down” to “demolish the block”. Then the door opened. A tired looking dark-colored earth pony poked her head out. She looked at Rainbow Dash, and then at Twilight. “Octavia!” said Twilight, allowing her magic to dissipate now that she knew somepony was home. Octavia looked her up and down. “Princess,” she said, somewhat glumly. “Why are you wearing a cabbage on your horn?” Twilight blushed to a profoundly beetlike color, and Rainbow Dash snorted. Twilight quickly removed the cabbage and hid it under her wings. “I’m not.” She cleared her throat. “We were hoping you could help us with- -” “What did she do this time?” “Excuse me?” “Vinyl. What did she do?” “Um…nothing?” “Then why are you here?” “Because a huge derp herp just went under your door,” said Rainbow Dash. Octavia looked at her, and then at Twilight. “Excuse me?” “She means herp derp.” “No I don’t,” whispered Rainbow Dash. “Derp herp.” “Herp derp,” snapped Twilight. Octavia stared at them both as though they were insane. “You know what?” she said. “I’m not sure I even want to ask. But you can come in if you want to.” She opened the door completely, gesturing for them to come in. As she did, it became apparent that she was wearing a set of torso-high striped socks as well as a collar and bowtie. “Um…were you playing dress-up too?” asked Twilight. Octavia raised an eyebrow. “What in the name of Luna’s daddy issues do you mean by that?” She looked down at herself. “Oh. No. This is my work uniform.” “Work?” said Rainbow Dash. “Don’t you play the giant violin?” The corner of one of Octavia eyes twitched. “For the millionth time, Miss Dash. It is called a CELLO. Although I also play the double bass.” “Wait. How do you play a fish?” Octavia lifted one shaking socked hoof, and Twilight could tell that Rainbow Dash was about to also be socked- -and she intervened. “I didn’t know this was the uniform for a concert musician.” “It isn’t,” said Octavia, darkly. “This is the uniform I wear when I go to work. At Hoofers.” “Hoofers?” “Wait, we have a Hoofers in Ponyville?” asked Rainbow Dash. “Why didn’t anypony tell me?” “But you’re a brilliant cellist!” said Twilight. “You’re renowned throughout Equestria!” “Yes. And do you know how much world-renowned concert cellists make?” “Um…” “Nothing. Nothing at all. And going to one of Equestria’s most prestigious musical academies has left me with a great deal of student debt that won’t pay itself, I’m afraid. So, yes, Hoofers.” “Oh,” said Twilight. The situation had grown quite awkward. “I’m sorry to hear that. I don’t have student loans because I had a ridiculous honors scholarship.” “And I never went to high school,” said Rainbow Dash. The other two looked at her. “What? It’s not like they teach you anything useful, and I get paid a LOT. I mean, have you seen my house?” “Yes,” grumbled Octavia. “I have. From down here. Where I live with my paradoxically mute and absurdly loud roommate.” “Come to think of it, where is she?” asked Twilight. “Probably at one of her many club playing, getting hundreds upon hundreds of bits thrown her way and cash advances so thick they could choke a mule. No offense.” “None taken,” said the mule staring at them through the window. Rainbow Dash looked at him, and then turned away slowly. “Was he here the whole time?” “Believe me, you get used to being ogled,” sighed Octavia. “Eventually…” “Oh, wait, there she is,” said Twilight, apparently ignoring the remainder of the conversation since she had asked where Vinyl was. “On the couch. And- -THERE SHE IS!” The ponies looked. There, sitting on Vinyl’s head, was reptile Derpy. In a flash, Rainbow Dash crossed the room. “Yo, Vinyl,” she said, “don’t move a muscle. You’ve got a lizard on your head.” Vinyl did not respond, but she did not move either. Rainbow Dash put her hoof on the white unicorn’s shoulder to get leverage and started to reach for Derpy- -only for Vinyl’s body to crumple beneith her light touch. “What the…fluff?” said Rainbow Dash, pulling herself away as Vinyl- -or what she thought had been Vinyl- -collapsed into a thin pile. “Is that…tissue paper?” “Origami,” said Octavia. “I hope. Realistic, aren’t they? She leaves them all over the place. I once woke up with sixteen of them staring at me.” Rainbow Dash poked at the crumpled paper. It had looked so realistic. “So weird…” “You have no idea,” said Octavia, rolling her eyes. “The things I have to put up with…you’ll never guess what I found in the dishwasher yesterday.” “How many guesses do I get?” asked Rainbow Dash. “We don’t have time for guessing! Rainbow, where did Derpy go?” Rainbow Dash looked around. “Um…I don’t know.” “Derpy?” said Octavia, confused. “What does the mailmare have to do with this?” Before either of them could answer, they heard something scuttling across the ceiling. “There!” cried Twilight, turning her head upward- - only for her hope to turn to horror. It was not Derpy at all. It was Vinyl- -this time, the real one. She descended to the floor rapidly and stood amongst them, slowly moving her head to the music she was listening to. She did not speak. As far as anypony knew, she was incapable of it. “How did she- -but- -but how- -” “It’s best not to question her,” said Octavia. She let out a long sigh. “Vinyl, these ponies are looking for a reptile.” “Amphibian,” said Rainbow Dash. “Herptile,” corrected Octavia. “You wouldn’t happen to know anything about this, would you?” Vinyl Scratch looked at them through her thick glasses, and lowered the lenses. Twilight and Rainbow Dash both winced. Vinyl’s albinism had left her with a set of rather grotesque red colored eyes. The reaction made Vinyl smile, and she nodded. She then led Rainbow Dash and Twilight down a hall in her shared house, and Octavia followed. She was not in any special hurry to reach her job and serve pressed artificial chicken to ponies who tended to pinch her. Vinyl took the group to a large door that was apparently a broom closet. “Huh,” said Rainbow Dash. “The closet. Well, you and I both know a thing about closets, don’t we, Scratch?” She nudged Vinyl with her elbow- -only to have Vinyl collapse into a pile of rustling paper. “GAH!” cried Rainbow Dash, backing into the real Vinyl, who laughed the most creepy silent laugh that Rainbow Dash had ever seen. “How did you- -but you were right- -” She shuddered. “You know what, I don’t want to know.” Vinyl just shrugged, then reached up and opened the door. For a moment, all that was on the other side just seemed to be a blur of colors- -and then pile of snakes spilled out onto the ponies below. “S- -SNAKES!” squeaked Twilight as all the color ran from her entire body and her wings stiffened awkwardly with panic. “Why did it have to be snakes?!” “Vinyl has something of an obsession with snakes,” said Octavia. “She simply adores them. I can’t fathom why. Although has started performing a special act recently with Melvin on her back.” Her eyes became distant. “It’s so hot…” “M…Melvin?” “Yes. The Burmese chap crawling on your back, Miss Sparkle.” “B…back?” Twilight raised her eyes and saw that there was indeed a snake on her back. Not just any snake, but the most massive snake she had ever seen. It paused, and then looked at her with beady black eyes. om:.000�Us��� Chapter 7: Accosted by Flutter ButterTwilight had horrible dreams. They concerned snakes. Luna was there, and she found it hilarious. Then, finally, Twilight woke up. “Ohhhh,” she said. “My head…Rainbow, I think I pulled a Rarity. Owch…” Twilight rubbed her flank. “No wonder she has that little couch. Hitting tile hurts.” She looked up at Rainbow Dash, who had not moved in the slightest. “Hey, Rainbow- -” She tapped Rainbow Dash’s shoulder, and Rainbow Dash collapsed into a pile of blue tissue paper. Twilight screamed. Only when she ran out of air did she hear the sound of horse laughter. “BWAH HA HA HA!” “Rainbow!” “You should have seen the look on your face!” cried Rainbow Dash. Literally- -she was crying from laughing. “You were all like ‘oh, look it’s Rainbow Dash- -oop, no it isn’t!’” “Where did you even get that?!” “Vinyl made me like twenty of them. I setup ten in my house to keep me company, and I think I’ll use the rest for pranks. Then we cleaned out Octavia’s fridge. Those little Scootaloo wings are AMAZING.” “Wait, Scootaloo wings? But there’s not any meat on them.” Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow. “It’s just what they’re called, Sparkle.” “Why would you call- -nevermind.” She sat up, and looked toward the sky. To her immense surprise, the sun had moved a great distance. She turned sharply to Rainbow Dash. “Rainbow! What time is it?!” Rainbow Dash checked her watch. “About five.” “FIVE?!” Twilight jumped up. “Please tell me you caught Derpy!” “And how in the name of your own beard was I supposed to do that?!” “I do not have a beard!” “Besides, we still have over an hour! It’s not my fault I couldn’t get you to wake up! I tried everything! I threw water on you, threw you into water, poked you with a stick- -” “THAT’S why my flank hurts!” “Um, no. Vinyl did that. But dang, Twilight, if you and I were having a nap competition…” Rainbow Dash paused, then thought to herself. “Nap competition…that’s not a bad idea…” “Focus, Rainbow.” Twilight stood up. “We have to find her!” “Okay.” They stared at each other for a moment. “Okay? What do you mean ‘okay’?!” “What do you mean what do I mean ‘okay’? I mean ‘okay’!” “And you’re not going to give me any suggestion on how exactly to do that?” “How should I know how to find her? My cutie mark is in being awesome, not in amphibian hunting!” “Reptile!” “You’re the egghead! You’re supposed to know!” “I don’t perform well under pressure!” shouted Twilight. She paused, panting. “If we can’t find her in an hour, and I can’t change her back- -she’ll be a lizard forever! I’ll- -I’ll have to tell her daughters. And her husband, and- -” “She’s not married.” Twilight looked up. “What?” “You said husband. Derpy’s not married.” “But she has two children.” “Um, yeah. You know that single motherhood is a thing, right?” Twilight’s face scrunched. “Yes.” “Besides. Don’t worry about it. We’re going to find her.” “How? It’s not like she’s going to come to us riding on the back of a winged horse!” At that very moment, Fluttershy stumbled around the corner into the damp alley where the pair were standing. They looked at her, and at the derped herp on her head. Rainbow Dash’s eyes widened. “Celestia’s vanilla scented BUTT,” she swore, turning to Twilight. “Twilight, did you do that?” “I- -I don’t think so!” “But you just said it- -and then- -” She turned back to Fluttershy. “How the- -holy Luna fluff, that’s WEIRD!” They both looked up at Fluttershy, but it was immediately apparent that she was not well. Her already pastel tone had gone from yellow to a horrible sickly color, also yellow. Her eyes were bloodshot, and her face flushed with fever. She did not seem to be able to stand straight, and was wobbling heavily. Her mane was messy, and only partly because it contained a large lizard. “Fluttershy, you shouldn’t be out,” said Twilight. “What with the hoof-in-mouth. I think you still have a fever- -” “I do not have swamp fever!” cried Fluttershy, the volume of her voice causing both Rainbow Dash and Twilight to jump back. “Who told you that? I’m not that kind of pony! I don’t- -oh- -go to swamps…” “Fluttershy,” said Rainbow Dash. “I think she’s right. You need to get into bed.” “And you can shut you’re pie hole, Twilight Sparkle!” said Fluttershy, pointing at Rainbow Dash and nearly tipping over. “Or…um…GUYlight Sparkle! Yeah!” “I’m not a stallion,” said Twilight. “Yeah,” agreed Rainbow Dash. “I’ve checked.” “I said it because…you look manly. Like a manly….man face!” “Fluttershy, how much cough medicine have you had?” “Well, the pharmacist was so nice, she gave me extra, and I didn’t want to waste it, so…a lot.” She pointed angrily at Twilight. “What did you just say to me?!” “I…didn’t.” “Don’t you lie to me Rarity! I’ve seen how you were eyeing those Dalmatian puppies! If you even think about it, I’ll…I’ll…” “Flutters,” said Rainbow Dash, approaching her carefully, “you’re sick. And acting hilarious. But you need to go home.” Fluttershy slapped Rainbow Dash in the face. Being Fluttershy, though, the force was roughly equivalent to the loving caress of a cotton ball. “Now you’re trying to put me in a home?” she cried. “What, do I embarrass you? I do! You’re embarrassed by old Flutter Butter. Because I’m fat!” “You’re not fat,” said Twilight. “Yes I am,” said Fluttershy, crying. “I’m a fatty Mcgee! Fattershy!” “Buttershy,” suggested Rainbow Dash. She was promptly slapped again. “Ow!” she said, rubbing her face. “That one kind of smarted…hmm. So this is how Scootaloo feels all the time.” “And not only did both of you come here to call me fat!” said Fluttershy, angry again, “but a little birdie told me that you were terrifying this poor herptile!” She pointed to her head, where Derpy was. “Well, yes,” said Twilight, “we need to catch her- -” “You MONSTER!” cried Fluttershy. “Do you think that just because she has scales and a three-chambered heart that she doesn’t have RIGHTS?! That you can just chase her around, frightening her left and right? How would you like it if I chased YOU?” “Well,” said Twilight, stopping to consider that idea. The thought of getting chased by Fluttershy made her wings feel strange and tingly. “If you were wearing- -” “You wouldn’t like it!” asserted Fluttershy. “How DARE you! How DARE YOU! Dare you! Dare…” She turned to Rainbow Dash and feverishly wobbled. “Rainbow, what was I talking about?” “You were about to make out with Twilight.” “Eew, no!” cried Twilight. “She has hoof-and-mouth! And I only like her as a friend!” “You don’t like me!” wailed Fluttershy. She was sad for a moment before going back to anger. “And you don’t like LIZARDS!” “No, I don’t like snakes- -” “So you admit you’re prejudiced!” “N- -no! They’re just so slippery, and they don’t have legs, and their all squiggly- -” “You’re about to be squiggly in a second! I won’t let you hurt animals!” “She’s not even an animal!” snapped Twilight. “So now you think herptiles aren’t even animals?” Fluttershy stepped forward aggressively. “Oh!” laughed Rainbow Dash. “Fluttershy is about to slap a filly!” “Rainbow, stop encouraging her!” “Yeah! Because you’re next! And I thought I could trust you! I thought you understood me! After that time when we got back from cider day…and you put that frilly saddle on me…and then we- -” “Twilight Sparkle hates lizards!” cried Rainbow Dash in a panic. “I KNEW IT!” squealed Fluttershy, turning back to Twilight. “So you admit it!” “No I don’t!” exclaimed Twilight. “I just want to take that lizard, and bring her back to my lab- -” “I’ll bring my lab! To your FACE!” There was a sound of nails clicking on the cobblestones, and a large brown dog jumped onto Twilight, knocking her back. “ACK!” she cried as the chocolate lab began to lick her face. “Get it off! I’m allergic!” “It’s no use!” said Fluttershy, wobbling again. “This is what you get for trying to hurt animals in Buttershy’s town!” Fluttershy suddenly yawned. “Wow,” she said. “I feel so sleepy. Being assertive is so…tiring…” She then collapsed, falling onto a pile of trash. Derpy was knocked free, and fell against the wall. She clung to it, and then scampered vertically up and over the roof of the house next to the ally. “No!” cried Twilight. “Rainbow Dash, get her!” “I’m on it!” Rainbow Dash shot off after the lizard, and Twilight levitated the dog off her. She pointed to Fluttershy. “You make sure she gets home safely, okay?” The dog looked at her, and then nodded. Twilight then spread her long, beautiful wings and flew upward- -striking the walls on either side of the ally several times before eventually sailing backward in the correct direction. The chocolate lab watched her go, wondering what he was actually supposed to do. nt:1'OSsYd� Chapter 8: Smashed“There she is!” cried Rainbow Dash, spying the lizard running through the stalls in the town market. “Where?!” shouted Twilight, who was flying butt-end first. “I can’t see anything!” Rainbow Dash ignored her and ducked down, buzzing several stalls. Several ponies jumped out of the way, and one shielded his cart of cabbages. “Stop that lizard!” cried Rainbow Dash. One pony at a stall that sold spark plugs looked up with fright. “Wizard? There’s a wizard? Hey everypony, there’s a wizard here! Everypony PANIC!” They all looked at him, and then promptly did as he suggested. They ran around in every direction, overturning everything that could be overturned and underturning whatever was left. One of them, a member of Ponyville’s trio of florists, cried out. “A wizard!” she shrieked, “he’s going to turn us into PIGS!” “Or curse is with a blight!” said one of the other flower girls. “Or steal our waifus!” added the third. At the suggestion of the last one, all three of them fainted and lay on the ground, twitching. “Excuse me!” said Twilight, both in offense and because she was landing on top of several ponies. “I am, in fact, a wizard! And I resent this misrepresentation!” “NO!” cried the nearest pony. “We have offended Princess Twilight! We have incurred the wrath of Friendship! Everypony run! Repent! REPENT!” This caused them to panic even more. “How is ‘wrath of Friendship’ even a thing?” demanded Twilight. “It’s FRIENDSHIP. Wrath isn’t part of it!” This did nothing to quell the riot forming around her. Within seconds, most of the center of town had fled, going back to their houses or whatever sort of thing they could hide in- -dumpsters, random holes, bushes, shrubs, an outhouse, and others.” “Come on!” said Twilight, approaching the outhouse. “You’re all being ridiculous! In fact, we really could use your help catching that reptile!” “Amphibian!” called Rainbow Dash as she tried to navigate a complex flightpath through the now empty stalls. “Reptile,” grumbled Twilight. She threw open the outhouse door. She had seen at least five ponies go in there, and yet the entire room was empty- -and the seat was up. “Oh Celestia’s fuzzy ears,” she said. “Please tell me you all didn’t…” “Twilight! I could use some magic out here!” “Right!” replied Twilight. She started to leave, but then paused a moment to turn back and close the toilet seat. “Thank you,” said the voice of one of the hiding ponies. “No problem,” said Twilight, shuddering violently. “Twilight!” called Rainbow Dash. “She’s getting away!” Twilight turned to the now devastated market and looked around wildly. At first she did not see anything- -but then she saw Derpy scampering under several stalls with Rainbow Dash in hot pursuit. “Hold on! I’ll get her!” She raised her horn and fired a blast of magic. The spell shot out just as Derpy leapt into a crate of watermelons. There was an explosion of splinters as the crate burst open and the melons went rolling in every direction. “My watermelons!” cried a voice from inside the outhouse. Several melons- -and Derpy- -rolled into the street. Rainbow Dash and Twilight both leapt for her- -but neither of them reached her fast enough. A panicked stallion ran by, pulling his cart behind him without paying attention to his surroundings at all. As he passed, there was a sickening crack followed by a splattering sound. The cart disconnected, and the stallion, so deathly terrified of a wizard in his midst, continued to run, crying as he did so. Rainbow Dash and Twilight both came to a stop next to the cart, staring in disbelief. The entire plaza was now empty, and it seemed eerily silent and still. The only thing that moved was the red fluid that flowed out from beneath the cart’s tire. “Oh no,” whispered Twilight in panic. “D…Derpy?” said Rainbow Dash softly. There was no response. Twilight dropped to her knees. “She…she got squished!” “Twilight…” Twilight suddenly burst out in tears, weeping. “She got SQUISHED!” “There wasn’t anything we could do.” “What do you mean there wasn’t anything we could do?! It’s my fault she got turned into a reptile in the first place! And it’s my fault we couldn’t catch her! If I had been more careful- -if I had used a different spell- -she might- -she might still be…” “Amphibian,” said Rainbow Dash solemnly. “Red stain more like it!” screeched Twilight. “She was our friend! And best pony…” Twilight collapsed into sobbing. “She was,” said Rainbow Dash, putting her hoof on Twilight’s shoulder. “And I’ll inform her family.” “No, Rain- -hic- -bow, I’m the- -hic- -Princess- -” “But I’m a Pegasus. It’s my duty. To tell her two little girls that…they’re now…orphans…” She began to tear up. “Sparkler’s an adult, but little Dinky…I don’t know what…she’s going to do…” She suddenly burst out into the same heavy weeping as Twilight. “Crying isn’t cool!” she wailed as she began to hug Twilight. “Derpy!” cried Twilight. “Derpy, why! Why couldn’t it be me! Nopony likes me as an alicorn anyway!” “Why couldn’t it be Twilight!” wept Rainbow Dash. “Why did it have to be YOU?!” “I hope…I hope there’s lots of muffins in pony heaven,” said Twilight, who by this point had slowed down to the point where her face was soaked with tears and snot. “I hope so too,” said Derpy. “That would be so amazing!” Twilight and Rainbow Dash both hercked. They slowly looked up to see a familiar herptile sitting atop Twilight’s head. “Derpy!” cried Rainbow Dash. “You’re ALIVE!” “And you can talk,” said Twilight, angrily. “Of course I can talk,” said Derpy. “Why wouldn’t I be able to talk?” “Well,” said Rainbow Dash, “animals can’t normally do that.” “Oh.” Derpy derped. “But we’re ponies, and we talk, don’t we? Even the sheep talk around here. They have a lot of good stories about Big Macintosh!” “But then who got smashed?” All three of them looked at the red stain on the ground. Derpy gave a long sigh. “I’m afraid I broke a watermelon,” she said. “I didn’t mean too! But that happens a lot. Things breaking I mean. Produce, limbs, things like that. But now I can make watermelon muffins, I guess.” “Eew,” said Rainbow Dash. “It’s all dirty. They’d be gritty.” “Wait,” said Twilight, “so I get that’s a watermelon, and I’m an idiot. But you were running away from us this whole time!” “I was?” said Derpy. She turned her head. “Oops! Sorry! I was just going about my daily schedule!” “Daily…schedule?” “Oh yes. I do this every day! Although…” She lifted a lizard claw into view of one of her golden eyes. “I’m not usually a herptile when I do. I don’t know if that makes it harder or easier…” “But…the running…the chasing…” “Well, if you wanted to talk to me, you should have just asked me to stop. I’m pretty sure I still have ears. Maybe. And I’m always happy to help!” Twilight levitated Derpy off her head. In the sky, the sun was approaching the horizon. There was probably only a half hour to fifteen minutes left before the spell became permanent. Twilight charged her horn and muttered the demonic incantation that she had memorized earlier. There was a sound and a puff of smoke, and Derpy- -now a pony- -dropped to the ground. “Oh!” she said. “I’m a pony again! I feel so adorable!” “I’m really sorry I turned you into a lizard,” said Twilight. “Oh, that’s okay. It’s not the first time it’s happened.” “It…isn’t?” “No, of course not. Things like this happen to me on a weekly basis.” “They do,” said Rainbow Dash. “It’s one reason why she’s banned in sixteen Pegasus cities.” “Seventeen. Los Pegasus banned me last week. They sent me a really pretty letter, though. It was even notarized. And on that really good paper.” She sighed. “But I accidentally ate it.” “You ate a letter?” “It smelled like cake and I can’t see very well.” “Oh, yes,” said Twilight. “I forgot. You’re disabled.” She gasped. “I was performing experiments on a disabled pony? Oh crap, I’m a monster!” “No, no,” said Derpy. “It’s fine. And everything turned out alright!” “She’s right about that,” said Rainbow Dash. “I mean, sure, we destroyed Bon Bon’s house. And the market. But Derpy’s okay. And I know that Hoofers has REALLY good wings. And Octavia in socks, apparently.” “Yeah,” said Twilight. She smiled slowly. “I guess this did all work out.” The sun started to set. Derpy watched it- -or watched something. “Hey,” she said. “I have muffins. Do you want to share?” “Sure!” said Rainbow Dash. “I’m starving! Literally, because of my ridiculous metabolism!” Derpy produced three large, excellent muffins. Nopony asked from where. She gave one to Rainbow Dash, and one to Twilight. “Thanks, Derpy,” said Twilight, carefully unwrapping her muffin while Rainbow Dash bit directly into the top like some sort of heathen. “Muffins make everything better,” said Derpy, smiling. She held her muffin up to her face, and a long forked tongue extended suddenly from her mouth, moving in and out as she rapidly tasted her muffin and as Rainbow Dash and Twilight stared in horror. “Mmm,” said Derpy. “Blueberry!” aSswN� Chapter 2: Glue TrapThe sight was not what Rainbow Dash had expected. She had not really known what to expect, because she never really bothered to ask what Twilight did in her free time. She had always assumed that Twilight did book-based things, like reading or shelving or inspecting bindings. Instead, she found herself looking at a large piece of paper that had been slathered in rubber cement. In the center, a muffin had been placed as bait. This had proven irresistible to the gray pony that was now completely entrapped by the glue, her hoof stuck to the paper inches away from her prize and her tongue still reaching for it as she sat immobile but still fixated on the high-fiber baked good. “Um, Twilight? This isn’t ethical.” “What? Oh, no, it is. The IRB approved it.” “You have an IRB?” “Yes. Me and Starlight.” Twilight looked to Rainbow Dash. “I’m surprised you know what an institutional review board is.” “I don’t. I thought it was beer.” “Ah.” “Muff…in,” said Derpy, struggling against the glue paper. “So many raisins…” Twilight looked at her. “We should probably collect her before her saliva washes away the glue. It’s not that great against water. And you’ll never guess what it’s made of.” “Twi, I fly in a LOT of races. I know exactly what glue is made of.” “Twilight? Rainbow Dash?” Derpy looked up at both of them simultaneously, even though they were standing on opposite sides of her. She smiled. “I’m so glad you’re here! I got stuck! Again…” Rainbow Dash sighed. “So, how are we going to get her off of th- -” RRRRIIIIIIIIPPPPP!!! The sound was so great that Rainbow Dash winced purely for the sake of empathy. Twilight had forcefully removed Derpy from the paper, leaving behind a significant portion of her mane, tale, body fuzz, and feathers. “Derpy!” cried Rainbow Dash. “Are you okay?!” Derpy shook her head. “No. I’m in a lot of pain right now.” “I’m not really aware of another way to do it,” said Twilight, shrugging. “Usually the glue traps just catch Spike.” Derpy pointed downward at the glue paper. “Can I have the muffin now?” “No,” said Twilight. “Muffins and refreshments will be provided at the end of the test.”
Chapter 1: Spells and StuffRainbow Dash arrived at the castle and nearly flopped onto the ground. The floor was crystal and therefore probably cold, but even it looked extremely comfortable compared to being awake. In fact, the allure of the challenge of sleeping on the floor only made Rainbow Dash even more intrigued. “Ugh,” she said, wiping her eyes. “It’s too early to be this awesome…” “It’s two in the afternoon.” Rainbow Dash screamed and jumped into the air. Shaking, she looked down from the conveniently placed chandelier that she was clinging too. “TWILIGHT!” she cried, looking down at the alicorn who had suddenly appeared beside her. “Where in the name of Celestia’s butt did you come from?!” Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Rainbow, you’ve met my parents. Also, don’t take the name of Celestia’s butt in vain. If you say it too many times, she appears. And she’s very busy with Princess work at the moment, so I would recommend against calling her butt.” “Really?” “You would be surprised.” Twilight reached out with her magic and peeled Rainbow Dash away from the chandelier. “I’m so glad you could come help me with my magic today!” “Wait, what?” Rainbow Dash allowed herself to be set gently onto the floor. “Magic? You mean, like, spells and stuff?” “Yes. Spells and stuff.” “But Twilight, you know I’m no good at spelling!” “I am aware of that fact. But everypony else was busy.” Twilight counted off her various friends. “Fluttershy has hoof-and-mouth. Again. Rarity is off in Canterlot doing sassy things with Sassy Saddles, Pinkie Pie got her head stuck in the oven, and Applejack is out on her family’s yacht trying to catch crab apples.” “Was it on?” “Was what on?” “The oven!” Twilight paused for a moment. “I sure hope not.” Rainbow Dash sighed. “You know I’m the only one of your friends that has an actual job, right? One where I get paid wages and stuff?” “But you just said you were sleeping!” “Um, yeah. I sleep at work.” Twilight eyed her disapprovingly. “What? Have you ever worked with clouds? They’re really soft!” She snorted. “I don’t see why I need to do this. I mean, isn’t this what Starlight is for?” “Yes, usually, but our activities last night really tuckered her out.” She pointed upward. “She’s sleeping in my bed right now.” “Your bed?” “It’s a lot softer than hers.” “And…activities?” “Yeah. You know. Making magic.” Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow. “What are you implying, Twilight?” “I’m not implying anything. You know how it is. Two young, purple wizards, living together. Seeing each other all the time…so exactly what you expect to happen happens.” Twilight shrugged. “But since she’s asleep, I need somepony else to make magic with. And you were the only one not busy.” “Making me feel real special, Twilight.” Rainbow Dash looked at her. “Why aren’t you tired, though?” “Well, my motto had always been that I’ll sleep when I’m dead.” “You’re an alicorn, though. Aren’t you immortal?” “I know!” Twilight giggled wildly. She then stopped suddenly and cleared her throat. “Anyway, we never get to do anything together anyway.” She started trotting off. “So! Shall we check the glue traps?” “Glue…wait, what?”
Chapter 3: The BasementThe castle, apparently, had a basement. This was something new to Rainbow Dash. “How did I not know about this?” she asked. “Why would you know about my basement?” asked Twilight. “That’s just ridiculous!” “But, like, your castle is a tree, right? So that would make this…” “The root cellar.” Rainbow Dash groaned. “No, Twilight. Just no.” “What? It’s where I keep my beer!” “Beer?” Rainbow Dash was suddenly intrigued. “Yes.” Twilight gestured to several racks similar to the type that were usually used to hold wine. “My ROOT beer.” “Am I going to have to slap you?” “That depends.” “On what?” “On WHERE.” Rainbow Dash shivered. “Um,” said Derpy, “do I need to be here for this? I kind of, you know, have children. Who are alone right now.” Rainbow Dash and Twilight turned to Derpy, who was strapped down onto an uncomfortable metal bed. Due to the number of straps and how tight Twilight had insisted on making them, Derpy was entirely unable to move any part of her body. “They’ll be fine,” said Twilight dismissively. “I don’t know,” said Rainbow Dash, “they are HER children.” “They are?” said Derpy, her eyes widening. “I never knew! But it all makes so much sense now!” She gasped. “Do their fathers know about this? Should we tell them?” Twilight frowned. “Have you ever eaten paint chips of any kind?” “Oh yes!” said Derpy. “Why, do you have any? They don’t taste so bad!” “Hmm,” said Twilight, flipping a page in her notes. “Well, that means we’ll have to turn up the radiation dose.” “Wait, radiation?” said Rainbow Dash. “Of course. Nothing science-y every happens without radiation. By the way, don’t try to have children after this. Not unless you want to end up like Princess Cadence.” They all shuddered. “Wait,” said Rainbow Dash as Twilight went to the various machines and vats of bubbling fluid (that may or may not have been root beer) that filled the room. “I thought you said we were doing spelling, not science.” “Magic. Not spelling. And you know what they say.” “No. I don’t. I seriously don’t. I don’t even know why I’m here. And the fact that we have a mare strapped down on a table makes me feel uncomfortable.” “They say that science is just extremely advanced magic. You are here to help hold her down. And it is not uncomfortable at all. I’ve tried it.” “You have?” “Of course! Starlight straps me down at least twice a week.” “Why?” Twilight groaned. “I already covered this, Dash. To make magic.” “Ze magics!” said Derpy excitedly, mimicking Photo Finish. She then looked confused. “Wait…so you are here to take pictures of me? I don’t know how I feel about that. I didn’t even brush my mane. Because I have no hands to hold the brush.” “If we’re taking pictures of her, I’m leaving,” said Rainbow Dash. “That’s just too weird.” Twilight turned around. She was holding a long probe that sparked loudly at the end. “There is nothing ‘weird’ about this. I assure you, this is completely normal. And legal. After all, I write the laws here.” “What about the Manga Carta?” asked Derpy. “Ah, yes,” groaned Twilight. “Well, you know what happened to Sombra when he tried to introduce it.” She shrugged, and then lifted the probe. “Where are you going to put that?” asked Rainbow Dash. Twilight grinned. “In the hole.” She then shoved the probe into the hole- -which was part of one of the various machines that surrounded her. It hummed to life, and Twilight pulled down a large item on a metallic arm. It rather closely resembled the x-ray machine that a dentist would use, except larger. “Are you going to check my teeth?” asked Derpy. “I brush every day!” She suddenly sighed. “No. I lied. I don’t. Because I swallowed my last three toothbrushes and the doctor says that if I do it one more time- -” “No, no no,” said Twilight. “I’m not that kind of doctor.” “Wait,” said Rainbow Dash, “you’re a doctor?” “Um, yeah?” said Twilight. Rainbow Dash could not tell if she was lying. “What do you think Celestia’s school was? I have a PhD.” “Really?” said Derpy. “So do I!” Rainbow Dash and Twilight turned to her. “You do?” “Two, actually.” They stared at each other for a moment, and then decided to ignore Derpy. “Right,” said Twilight. “This beam contains a powerful reactor that will generate a magical field to be collimated through a rune-inscribed crystal. I will then be able to modulate the field to produce various effects in the target.” “Really,” said Rainbow Dash, caring very little but feeling oddly nervous. “What sort of effects?” “That depends.” “On what?” “On if my next grant comes from the Equestria Medical Association or the military.” “No. I mean what is it going to do NOW.” Rainbow Dash looked at Derpy, who was definitely looking at something. Perhaps even several somethings. “I mean, I don’t want to hurt her. She’s a bit of a ditz, but she’s still our friend. And I think she’s cute.” “Aw, Dash!” said Derpy. “I think you’re cute too! Let’s get ice cream when this is done! Twilight can come too! I know a place that makes muffin-flavored ice cream, and ice-cream flavored muffins, and muffin flavored muffins- -” Twilight inserted a gag into her mouth. “And there we go. Now, Rainbow, if you could get the crystal, I’ll prepare the incantation tape.” “Right,” said Rainbow Dash. Twilight pointed her to the far end of the room, and she flew there, landing in front of a large gem-cutting apparatus. She was not exactly having the best time, but this was hardly the worst. Twilight was her friend, after all, and she liked spending time with her even if she was a bit of an egghead. After all, Twilight had gone with her to a number of sporting events and athletic activities that she clearly was not the biggest fan of. Just being with her was enough. Rainbow Dash looked at the machine, somewhat confused. She had no idea what she was looking at. There was not just one gem, either. There was a large one in the center covered by a clasp, with the various rather aggressive aspects of the machines facing it, but it looked very well ingrained. Rainbow Dash assumed that it was just part of the device, like the way cloud factories were mostly made of clouds. There were other smaller gems around the edge of the machine. Rainbow Dash picked one of those up. They seemed correct. She then returned to the machine. “I got the gem,” she said. “Good. Plug it in,” said Twilight, looking through a book and feeding tickertape into a reel. “I’ll be there in a second.” Rainbow Dash looked up at the machine and sighed. Sometimes Twilight forgot that it was difficult for non-unicorns to do manual tasks that involved any sort of dexterity. That was, after all, why unicorns were the overloads of all pony kind save only for alicorns. So Rainbow Dash just shoved the crystal in the front of the machine. “Good enough,” she said, shrugging. “Right,” said Twilight, attaching the real to a machine and levitating a book over to the device. She gave Rainbow Dash some goggles. “Put these on.” “Why?” “Have you ever seen what happens if you put a grape in the microwave?” “No.” “Exactly. Neither have I. And I don’t want to. So put on the goggles.” She pulled down the machine. “And thank Celestia’s butt we’re not stallions.” Twilight began flipping switches and turning knobs of various types, and Rainbow Dash quickly put on the goggles. Everything suddenly appeared dark and rose-tinted, making the world seem quite pleasant. Then Twilight began, and the pleasantness began to fade. “Why do I feel so tingly?” said Rainbow Dash. “No reason. Just the radiation. Don’t worry, that’s normal.” “If I ghoulify, I’m going to slap you.” “I said don’t worry! That’s only happened, like, twice when I’ve tried this.” “Wait, twice- -” “FIRE!” The room suddenly erupted with light, and Rainbow Dash was thrown backward. Twilight looked confused and then screamed as she too was thrown back. The machine exploded, and the beam shot forward, striking Derpy in the chest. Rainbow Dash was knocked into partial unconsciousness, and when she came too, she felt terrible. “Ugh,” she said. “Why am I always the one getting injured?” She stood up and took off her goggles. The room was in shambles, and Twilight was lying on her back, smoldering just slightly. She smelled like cooking grapes. “Twilight!” cried Rainbow Dash, rushing to her friend’s side. “Are you okay?” “I think so,” said Twilight. “Alicorns are immortal, after all. It still hurts though.” She sat up and groaned. “Ow.” She sniffed. “What smells like cooking grapes?” Rainbow Dash pointed at Twilgiht’s singed wings. “What- -oh, Luna’s German-shepherd hips! My wings! That’s going to take FOREVER to preen!” Twilight immediately started chewing on one of her wings. “Hmm. Grapy.” Rainbow Dash diverted her eyes. “Um, Twilight, you remember how we talked about doing that in front of other ponies?” “Oh,” said Twilight, releasing her wing. “Sorry.” She stood up with some difficulty. “But what went wrong? I performed the spell correctly…” “It exploded.” Twilight looked to Rainbow Dash, clearly not amused. “No. You don’t say.” Rainbow Dash shrugged. “I call ‘em like I see ‘em.” Twilight picked up the machine and turned it over. She removed the tiny bluish crystal, and her eyes widened. “Rainbow,” she said, slowly, “what is this?” “The crystal.” “THIS IS NOT THE CRYSTAL!” cried Twilight. “This is- -I don’t even know what this is!” She licked it and grimaced. “Rock candy?” “But I got it from where you told me to- -” “Yes, the BIG one! You know, the one INSIDE the machine!” “Oh…” “I had Pinkie Pie carve it especially for this purpose.” “Pinkie Pie?” “She’s an expert in rock processing.” “And at eating rock candy.” Twilight gasped and looked at the crystal. “PINKIE!” she cried. Both her and Rainbow Dash looked around, thinking that she might actually appear at the sound of her own name, just like Celestia’s butt. “Well,” said Twilight after Pinkie did not, in fact, appeared, “at least we’re both okay.” “Yeah.” They both suddenly stopped and looked at each other. “But what about Derpy?” They turned to the table, and saw that the gray Pegasus mare was gone. In her place was something else entirely. Staring back up at them with a pair of yellow eyes- -or staring at something with a pair yellow eyes, or a pair of somethings- -was a large gray lizard. Rainbow Dash and Twilight stared, and the lizard stared back. Its forked tongue flicked out at one point, tasting the air, and the derped eyes rolled in its head as it looked around. Rainbow Dash and Twilight screamed. “I turned her into a lizard!” wailed Twilight. “How did that even happen?!” “I don’t know, I don’t know!” “Change her back, change her back!” “Hold on! I have to find a spell!” Twilight raced to the edge of the room, pulling down book after book. “I don’t- -this shouldn’t- -how did- -” “Twilight, breathe!” “I’m too stressed to breathe! YOU BREATHE!” “YOU FIRST!” “YELLING!” “YELLING!” They both suddenly ran out of air, and then started panting heavily. Twilight put her head into her hooves. “I turned a mother of two into a reptile!” she wept. “Amphibian,” said Rainbow Dash. Twilight looked up. “What?” “I said I think you turned a mother of two into an amphibian.” “You don’t even know the difference!” “Of course I do! I’ve known Fluttershy since I was four years old! We even made out once!” “Wait, what- -” “You did NOT hear that,” said Rainbow Dash, her face scrunching. “I just- -I panicked. It’s completely normal.” “I didn’t say it wasn’t- -” “NORMAL!” “Okay okay! We have bigger problems, though.” Twilight pointed toward the table. “We have to get her turned back into a pony before…before…” “Before she gets away?” They both looked at the table. The derping herptile it had contained had departed. The table was now quite empty. +��Z$"�oVs|D�
Chapter 4: Herp Derp“Are you sure she isn’t in the castle?” asked Rainbow Dash. “Positive,” replied Twilight, who was quite out of breath. Rainbow Dash was flying beside her, but due to Twilight’s excessively long and feathery alicorn wings as well as her own poor coordination and general athleticism, she had elected to run- -something she was almost equally bad at. “Which in this case is negative! I didn’t find a single lizard in the castle! Not even Spike!” “Do you know where he is? I mean, I don’t know, lizard and amphibian, maybe he can help!” “He usually takes a pair of binoculars and a box of tissues and goes to help Rarity at this time of day, but she’s not here so I don’t know- -and she’s a REPTILE.” “My own road apples! She’s totally a salamander!” “No, she’s a lizard, if you study the auditory orifice- -” Twilight shook her head. “No, I don’t have time to argue this!” She pulled out a book and threw it into Rainbow Dash’s face. “I studied what happened! It was an aberrant transmutation spell with an animalistic bias!” “Which means what?” “It means I can reverse the spell, but if we don’t change her back by sunset, she’ll be a reptile forever!” “Amphibian.” “FOREVER!” “Sweet Cadence’s milk, I heard you!” said Rainbow Dash, pushing the book away and landing beside Twilight. They had entered the center of town. “So we need to hurry. Well, then you should be glad you’ve got me. I’m the master of hurry. And hustle, but only sometimes.” She looked around. “Are you sure she came to Ponyville, though?” “Whatever part of her is still Derpy probably remembers that she used to be a pony. She’ll be here. Somewhere.” Twilight looked out at the town. Usually it looked tiny from her castle windows. Now it looked so very huge. She had no idea what to do, so she rushed forward and grabbed the nearest pony who was walking by. “Golden Harvest!” she cried. “Quick! You have to tell me! Have you seen a herp derp?” Golden Harvest blinked, confused and slightly unnerved by Twilight’s sudden presence. “Herp…derp?” “Herp derp!” “Herp derp?” “HERP DERP! HERP DERP!” By this point, Golden Harvest had gone from unnerved to downright afraid. She burst into tears and pushed Twilight away, causing her to sprawl on her back. She then ran away crying. “Golden Harvest! Wait!” Twilight flailed her legs, trying to stand up, but her wings had lodged themselves in such a position that she was not longer able to right herself. “You didn’t answer the question!” “I’m pretty sure she would be a derp herp, not a herp derp,” noted Rainbow Dash. “Don’t you lecture me on adjective order! I’ve wrote six treatises on the subject!” Twilight grunted and tried to lift herself. “Gah! How do you stand back up when you get stuck like this?” Rainbow Dash shrugged. “How would I know? I’m never the one on my back.” She paused. “And from the look of it, you haven’t spent that much time on your back either.” “Of course not! Why would I be on my back? I’m all helpless and vulnerable like this! Rainbow, come on! Help me up!” Rainbow Dash did so. It was somewhat difficult. Twilight was heavy. “Oof! You know, you don’t need to put butter on ALL of your food, Twilight!” “Well you’re one to give advice, miss carbo-loader!” They looked at each other, and then apologized. “I’m sorry,” said Twilight. “That crossed the line. You’re an athlete, and I know that you need a special diet for performance.” “No, it’s my fault,” said Rainbow Dash. “I mean, if I had that royal butter that Cadence sends you all the time, I’d eat it on everything too! That stuff is awesome!” She poked at her chin in thought. “Although…come to think of it, I’ve never seen a cow in the Crystal Empire. I wonder where she gets the milk from…” Suddenly, the air was rent by a shrill and bloodcurdling scream. “Whoa,” said Rainbow Dash, wobbling slightly. “I think my blood just curdled. I didn’t even know it could do that.” “It’s coming from Bon Bon’s house!” cried Twilight, pointing across the plaza. “Oh,” said Rainbow Dash. “Yeah. That’s pretty normal.” “We have to- -wait, what?” “Yeah. Whenever Lyra goes over. Sometimes multiple times. I think they’re really big fans of Stepping King. Or maybe Loveloft.” She sighed. “But they never invite me. And I love the horror genera…” “Aww,” said Twilight. She put her hoof on Rainbow Dash’s shoulder. “You should have told me. I have an entire shelf! You can come read it if- -” There was another scream. “On second thought, we should probably deal with this first, though.”
Chapter 5: In a HouseWhen Twilight threw open the door, she found the inside of the domicile to be in a state of utter chaos. Furniture was strewn about, as were the various sundry objects of pony life. “Wow,” said Rainbow Dash. “It looks like a tornado hit here. And I would know. I once accidentally let one slip at work last week.” “Wait, that was you- -” There was another scream, and both Twilight teleported to its origin. Rainbow Dash and her arrived at the same time into the kitchen to find that the source of the screaming was none other than Lyra heartstrings. She was wearing a translucent nightie and frilly bottoms, and apparently clinging to the top of a set of curtains that were slowly starting to rip. “NOOOO!” she wailed. “It’s going to get me! Get it away, GET IT AWAY!” The curtain ripped suddenly and Lyra screamed. Bon Bon, who was below, was trying to help but doing a poor job. “Lyra, calm down,” she said. “YOU CALM DOWN! Don’t you tell me to calm down, Bon Bon! I didn’t tell you to calm down when the store was out of vanilla sprinkles!” The curtains ripped again and Lyra fell completely to the floor with a thud and the sort of sickening soft sound of fifty pounds of pony landing against tile. “What’s going on here?!” cried Twilight. Bon Bon looked at her, and then pointed to the table in the center of the room. It was the only thing that was not covered in debris or detritus. Instead, it was covered in a tablecloth- -and on that tablecloth sat a gray lizard, repeatedly extending and retracting its tongue to lick a muffin that had been left out on a small saucer, tasting it. “It’s a monster!” cried Lyra, standing up in a dazed state. “MONSTER! So gross, SO GROSS! Don’t let it get me!” She shrieked again, pulling herself up and into a kitchen cabinet. She then pulled open a drawer with her magic and began to toss various utensils at the lizard on the table. Since she had already expended the entire supply of forks- -they were imbedded in nearly every wall- -she instead was forced to rely on spoons. “Wait!” cried Twilight. “Don’t!” It was too late, but Twilight’s protest was also inconsequential. Poor Lyra was so panicked that she could not aim straight. All of her projectiles sailed over Derpy- -and toward Rainbow Dash. “GAH!” cried Rainbow Dash, dodging the spoons with extreme speed and precision. “Lyra!” snapped Bon Bon, angrily. “Stop trying to spoon Rainbow Dash! We talked about this!” “But it’s so GROSS!” cried Lyra, tears pouring from her eyes. “It’s WORSE than a parasprite! Get it! GET IT!” The cabinet then broke, listing forward and spilling Lyra onto the floor. Bon Bon sighed. “Great,” she said. “And there goes the cabinet.” She turned to Twilight and Rainbow Dash. “Eh! You two! Are you going to do something about this or what?” “Probably not,” admitted Rainbow Dash. “This is hilarious.” “I’ll handle it,” said Twilight. She reached out with her magic and levitated Derpy off the table. The lizard was relatively limp, but as soon as it was lifted it turned to Twilight- -and then flipped over, sliding out of her magic and onto the floor. “Twilight!” cried Rainbow Dash, “what did you DO?!” “I don’t know! She’s really slippery!” “Slippery?” cried Lyra. “SLIPPERY? EW EW EW EWWW EEWWWWWW!” “You’re not helping!” snapped Bon Bon. Derpy looked up at them, and then started running across the floor- -directly toward Lyra. Lyra froze in panic. “Grab her!” cried Twilight. Lyra glared at her and extended her hooves. “With WHAT?” Derpy suddenly stopped. The whole room became silent and still as they watched in suspense. Derpy overall did nothing- -and then yawned, revealing her strangely sharp teeth. Lyra began to tremble, and Rainbow Dash tilted her head. A pipe must have broken somewhere, because she heard water dripping onto the floor. “Great,” said Bon Bon, also hearing it. “Now I’m going to have a mold problem.” “Now just stay calm,” said Twilight, stepping forward. “I am at least thirty percent sure she isn’t venomous right now.” “V…venomous!” cried Lyra. She then screamed so loud that the other ponies had to cover their ears. “You’re not helping!” shouted Bon Bon. “Just let me do it!” yelled Rainbow Dash, exasperated. “No, wait!” It was too late. Rainbow Dash leapt forward, but before she could even reach Derpy Lyra jumped up from the floor and onto her back. “Oh- -Lyra- -stop! My wings!” “Venomous lizard! VENOMOUS LIZARD!” “She’s- -and- -AMPHIBIAN!” “I’m too young to die!” wept Lyra. “Oh, Celestia’s butt, save me! I- -I never had foals! I never got my master’s degree! I never saw the last season of My Little Human!” “Lyra, get off that Pegasus or I will GET YOU OFF!” cried Bon Bon, stamping her hoof. “NOOOOO!” Lyra lifted her head back and fired a beam at the lizard. It missed, and instead struck Twilight in the chest, sending her backward through a wall. “My drywall!” cried Bon Bon. “My wings!” cried Rainbow Dash. “My organs!” cried Twilight. “Li- -iz- -ERD!” cried Lyra. Derpy said nothing, as she was a lizard. She did seem confused, though, and looked up at Lyra. “Eww eeww eeww!” cried Lyra, picking up Derpy with her magic. Everypony paused. “You got her!” said Twilight, sitting up from the rubble of Bon Bon’s wall. Lyra then promptly threw Derpy out the window. “NO!” cried Rainbow Dash and Rainbow Dash. “Ah,” said Lyra, climbing off of Rainbow Dash. “I feel so much better! That was a close one!” “We were trying to catch that- -that liz- -um,” Twilight paused, “what are you two wearing?” Lyra and Bon Bon looked down at themselves. Lyra was of course wearing her nightie, but with the commotion over it was clear that Bon Bon was wearing ribbons. Only ribbons. With big bows. “Why are you dressed like that.” Rainbow Dash turned red and put her hoof on her face. “Twilight…” Bon Bon and Lyra’s faces scrunched. “We were…playing dress up?” suggested Bon Bon. Twilight looked at them suspiciously, and both of them began to sweat. Then suddenly she smiled. “Oh! I love dress up! Can I play too sometime?” Lyra’s eyes widened and she almost seemed to drool. “YES.” Bon Bon elbowed her hard. “We talked about that too,” she growled. “We don’t have time for that now,” said Rainbow Dash, pulling herself up and sticking her head out the window. “We need to catch that amphibian!” “She’s a reptile,” said Twilight, tipping Rainbow Dash out the window entirely with her magic. “It’s ours, after all.” “Wait, that was YOUR- -” Twilight leapt out the window after Rainbow Dash, leaving Lyra and Bon Bon alone in their ruined house. Bon Bon and Lyra looked at the window for a long time, and then Bon Bon slowly began to glare at Lyra. “Lyra…” Lyra hung her head, and started to walk off. “I know, I know,” she sighed. “I made a mess. Again. I’ll go put on the maid outfit now and get to work…” �2lsm]UWs��
Chapter 6: Another House“Where did she go?!” cried Twilight. She looked up at the sky. “It’s got to be three thirty already! There isn’t much time!” “Yes there is,” said Rainbow Dash. “Relax. Besides. Can’t you just tell Celestia to, you know, make it slow down?” “What?! Do you have any idea what your implying?!” “Yeah. You write a letter- -it’s easy for you, you have a horn- -and send it to her. Something like ‘Hey, I messed up royally, so I need you to slow the sun down or something. For friendship.’” Twilight glared. “I wasn’t the one who put in the wrong crystal.” “Well I wasn’t the one who trusted me to put in the RIGHT crystal.” They glared at each other for a moment, and then both sighed. “This isn’t getting us anywhere, is it?” said Rainbow Dash. “No. And I can’t ask Celestia to do that. She works very hard to keep the solar schedule, and it’s prepared months in advance. Even a few minutes would cause complete chaos. And I just can’t do that to her.” “Right. I know.” Rainbow Dash looked at her watch, which was drawn on. “Sunset?” “Oh. She’s in the human world still. From what I hear, they found a clone of me. Kind of weird that they haven’t found alternate-reality Sunset yet…” Rainbow Dash looked confused. “Not Sunset Shimmer,” she said, “regular sunset. As in, what time is it.” “Six thirty five.” “Okay. Then we still have three hours. Do you know what I could do in three hours? I could fly to YakYakistan and back- -twice. Or get halfway through a line at the Department of Unmotored Vehicles.” “Halfway? Impressive.” “Yeah. I am pretty impressive.” “And impressively pretty.” Rainbow Dash frowned. “Don’t make this weird, Twilight.” “Oops. Sorry.” Twilight suddenly reached out and shoved Rainbow Dash out of the way. “LOOK! There she is!” “Where- -” Twilight rushed past Rainbow Dash, lashing out with her magic at Derpy. Derpy looked up at her, and then flopped to the side, avoiding it easily before scuttling off down the street. “No you don’t!” cried Twilight. She engaged a teleportation spell and vanished, reappearing where the lizard had gone- -only to find it missing. “Huh?” she said, looking around. “I could have sworn…I hope I didn’t teleport to that mirror universe again…” It was at that moment that Derpy lowered her probably venomous reptilian face into Twilight’s field of vision. She was sitting on Twilight’s head. Twilight had nothing against lizards. She in fact rather liked them. But having one just suddenly appear like that, hiding in her mane, caused her to panic. “EEEK!” she cried, sounding almost like Fluttershy whenever she saw her own shadow. “GET HER OFF!” “Hold still!” cried Rainbow Dash. Twilight did- -and then felt something wet slam into her face with enough force to send her crumpling to the ground. “Ow,” she said, rubbing her smarting forehead. “Rainbow! What did you- -” She reached up to touch her horn, something she always did after a head injury to insure that it had not been snapped off- -and felt something that was not her horn. “Is this a cabbage?” She felt it some more, and realized that it was impaled on her horn. “Rainbow, did you just hit me in the face with a cabbage?” “I had to do something!” cried Rainbow Dash. “We’re not trying to smash her! She’s already had enough head injury in her life!” “I panicked, okay? I didn’t know what else to use! I mean, I considered a brick- -” “A BRICK?! You were going to hit me with a BRICK?” “Well I used the cabbage, didn’t I?” She looked around herself. “Where did Derpy go?” They both looked around, and caught sight of a tail vanishing around a nearby corner. “THERE!” they both cried at once, standing up and chasing after her. Derpy was surprisingly fast, though, and quickly skittered across the street and with some difficulty got under a door. “How is she so agile?” gasped Twilight, bracing herself on the fence of the house that Derpy had gone into. “Is she normally like this?” “No! Normally she can’t get ten feet without falling on her face! Or somepony else’s! Sometimes twice!” Twilight sighed and continued to catch her breath. When she did, she stood up. “Well, we know where she is now. It’s just a matter of getting her out of that one house. And I’m sure anypony in there will cooperate.” Confident in her own assertion, Twilight approached the door and knocked. There was no response, so Twilight knocked harder. When there was still no response, she charged her horn, preparing to blow the door in. The mental preparation was somewhat difficult, though; with her alicorn power, it was sometimes difficult to modulate the intensity. It was surprisingly easy to go from “knock the door down” to “demolish the block”. Then the door opened. A tired looking dark-colored earth pony poked her head out. She looked at Rainbow Dash, and then at Twilight. “Octavia!” said Twilight, allowing her magic to dissipate now that she knew somepony was home. Octavia looked her up and down. “Princess,” she said, somewhat glumly. “Why are you wearing a cabbage on your horn?” Twilight blushed to a profoundly beetlike color, and Rainbow Dash snorted. Twilight quickly removed the cabbage and hid it under her wings. “I’m not.” She cleared her throat. “We were hoping you could help us with- -” “What did she do this time?” “Excuse me?” “Vinyl. What did she do?” “Um…nothing?” “Then why are you here?” “Because a huge derp herp just went under your door,” said Rainbow Dash. Octavia looked at her, and then at Twilight. “Excuse me?” “She means herp derp.” “No I don’t,” whispered Rainbow Dash. “Derp herp.” “Herp derp,” snapped Twilight. Octavia stared at them both as though they were insane. “You know what?” she said. “I’m not sure I even want to ask. But you can come in if you want to.” She opened the door completely, gesturing for them to come in. As she did, it became apparent that she was wearing a set of torso-high striped socks as well as a collar and bowtie. “Um…were you playing dress-up too?” asked Twilight. Octavia raised an eyebrow. “What in the name of Luna’s daddy issues do you mean by that?” She looked down at herself. “Oh. No. This is my work uniform.” “Work?” said Rainbow Dash. “Don’t you play the giant violin?” The corner of one of Octavia eyes twitched. “For the millionth time, Miss Dash. It is called a CELLO. Although I also play the double bass.” “Wait. How do you play a fish?” Octavia lifted one shaking socked hoof, and Twilight could tell that Rainbow Dash was about to also be socked- -and she intervened. “I didn’t know this was the uniform for a concert musician.” “It isn’t,” said Octavia, darkly. “This is the uniform I wear when I go to work. At Hoofers.” “Hoofers?” “Wait, we have a Hoofers in Ponyville?” asked Rainbow Dash. “Why didn’t anypony tell me?” “But you’re a brilliant cellist!” said Twilight. “You’re renowned throughout Equestria!” “Yes. And do you know how much world-renowned concert cellists make?” “Um…” “Nothing. Nothing at all. And going to one of Equestria’s most prestigious musical academies has left me with a great deal of student debt that won’t pay itself, I’m afraid. So, yes, Hoofers.” “Oh,” said Twilight. The situation had grown quite awkward. “I’m sorry to hear that. I don’t have student loans because I had a ridiculous honors scholarship.” “And I never went to high school,” said Rainbow Dash. The other two looked at her. “What? It’s not like they teach you anything useful, and I get paid a LOT. I mean, have you seen my house?” “Yes,” grumbled Octavia. “I have. From down here. Where I live with my paradoxically mute and absurdly loud roommate.” “Come to think of it, where is she?” asked Twilight. “Probably at one of her many club playing, getting hundreds upon hundreds of bits thrown her way and cash advances so thick they could choke a mule. No offense.” “None taken,” said the mule staring at them through the window. Rainbow Dash looked at him, and then turned away slowly. “Was he here the whole time?” “Believe me, you get used to being ogled,” sighed Octavia. “Eventually…” “Oh, wait, there she is,” said Twilight, apparently ignoring the remainder of the conversation since she had asked where Vinyl was. “On the couch. And- -THERE SHE IS!” The ponies looked. There, sitting on Vinyl’s head, was reptile Derpy. In a flash, Rainbow Dash crossed the room. “Yo, Vinyl,” she said, “don’t move a muscle. You’ve got a lizard on your head.” Vinyl did not respond, but she did not move either. Rainbow Dash put her hoof on the white unicorn’s shoulder to get leverage and started to reach for Derpy- -only for Vinyl’s body to crumple beneith her light touch. “What the…fluff?” said Rainbow Dash, pulling herself away as Vinyl- -or what she thought had been Vinyl- -collapsed into a thin pile. “Is that…tissue paper?” “Origami,” said Octavia. “I hope. Realistic, aren’t they? She leaves them all over the place. I once woke up with sixteen of them staring at me.” Rainbow Dash poked at the crumpled paper. It had looked so realistic. “So weird…” “You have no idea,” said Octavia, rolling her eyes. “The things I have to put up with…you’ll never guess what I found in the dishwasher yesterday.” “How many guesses do I get?” asked Rainbow Dash. “We don’t have time for guessing! Rainbow, where did Derpy go?” Rainbow Dash looked around. “Um…I don’t know.” “Derpy?” said Octavia, confused. “What does the mailmare have to do with this?” Before either of them could answer, they heard something scuttling across the ceiling. “There!” cried Twilight, turning her head upward- - only for her hope to turn to horror. It was not Derpy at all. It was Vinyl- -this time, the real one. She descended to the floor rapidly and stood amongst them, slowly moving her head to the music she was listening to. She did not speak. As far as anypony knew, she was incapable of it. “How did she- -but- -but how- -” “It’s best not to question her,” said Octavia. She let out a long sigh. “Vinyl, these ponies are looking for a reptile.” “Amphibian,” said Rainbow Dash. “Herptile,” corrected Octavia. “You wouldn’t happen to know anything about this, would you?” Vinyl Scratch looked at them through her thick glasses, and lowered the lenses. Twilight and Rainbow Dash both winced. Vinyl’s albinism had left her with a set of rather grotesque red colored eyes. The reaction made Vinyl smile, and she nodded. She then led Rainbow Dash and Twilight down a hall in her shared house, and Octavia followed. She was not in any special hurry to reach her job and serve pressed artificial chicken to ponies who tended to pinch her. Vinyl took the group to a large door that was apparently a broom closet. “Huh,” said Rainbow Dash. “The closet. Well, you and I both know a thing about closets, don’t we, Scratch?” She nudged Vinyl with her elbow- -only to have Vinyl collapse into a pile of rustling paper. “GAH!” cried Rainbow Dash, backing into the real Vinyl, who laughed the most creepy silent laugh that Rainbow Dash had ever seen. “How did you- -but you were right- -” She shuddered. “You know what, I don’t want to know.” Vinyl just shrugged, then reached up and opened the door. For a moment, all that was on the other side just seemed to be a blur of colors- -and then pile of snakes spilled out onto the ponies below. “S- -SNAKES!” squeaked Twilight as all the color ran from her entire body and her wings stiffened awkwardly with panic. “Why did it have to be snakes?!” “Vinyl has something of an obsession with snakes,” said Octavia. “She simply adores them. I can’t fathom why. Although has started performing a special act recently with Melvin on her back.” Her eyes became distant. “It’s so hot…” “M…Melvin?” “Yes. The Burmese chap crawling on your back, Miss Sparkle.” “B…back?” Twilight raised her eyes and saw that there was indeed a snake on her back. Not just any snake, but the most massive snake she had ever seen. It paused, and then looked at her with beady black eyes. om:.000�Us���
Chapter 7: Accosted by Flutter ButterTwilight had horrible dreams. They concerned snakes. Luna was there, and she found it hilarious. Then, finally, Twilight woke up. “Ohhhh,” she said. “My head…Rainbow, I think I pulled a Rarity. Owch…” Twilight rubbed her flank. “No wonder she has that little couch. Hitting tile hurts.” She looked up at Rainbow Dash, who had not moved in the slightest. “Hey, Rainbow- -” She tapped Rainbow Dash’s shoulder, and Rainbow Dash collapsed into a pile of blue tissue paper. Twilight screamed. Only when she ran out of air did she hear the sound of horse laughter. “BWAH HA HA HA!” “Rainbow!” “You should have seen the look on your face!” cried Rainbow Dash. Literally- -she was crying from laughing. “You were all like ‘oh, look it’s Rainbow Dash- -oop, no it isn’t!’” “Where did you even get that?!” “Vinyl made me like twenty of them. I setup ten in my house to keep me company, and I think I’ll use the rest for pranks. Then we cleaned out Octavia’s fridge. Those little Scootaloo wings are AMAZING.” “Wait, Scootaloo wings? But there’s not any meat on them.” Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow. “It’s just what they’re called, Sparkle.” “Why would you call- -nevermind.” She sat up, and looked toward the sky. To her immense surprise, the sun had moved a great distance. She turned sharply to Rainbow Dash. “Rainbow! What time is it?!” Rainbow Dash checked her watch. “About five.” “FIVE?!” Twilight jumped up. “Please tell me you caught Derpy!” “And how in the name of your own beard was I supposed to do that?!” “I do not have a beard!” “Besides, we still have over an hour! It’s not my fault I couldn’t get you to wake up! I tried everything! I threw water on you, threw you into water, poked you with a stick- -” “THAT’S why my flank hurts!” “Um, no. Vinyl did that. But dang, Twilight, if you and I were having a nap competition…” Rainbow Dash paused, then thought to herself. “Nap competition…that’s not a bad idea…” “Focus, Rainbow.” Twilight stood up. “We have to find her!” “Okay.” They stared at each other for a moment. “Okay? What do you mean ‘okay’?!” “What do you mean what do I mean ‘okay’? I mean ‘okay’!” “And you’re not going to give me any suggestion on how exactly to do that?” “How should I know how to find her? My cutie mark is in being awesome, not in amphibian hunting!” “Reptile!” “You’re the egghead! You’re supposed to know!” “I don’t perform well under pressure!” shouted Twilight. She paused, panting. “If we can’t find her in an hour, and I can’t change her back- -she’ll be a lizard forever! I’ll- -I’ll have to tell her daughters. And her husband, and- -” “She’s not married.” Twilight looked up. “What?” “You said husband. Derpy’s not married.” “But she has two children.” “Um, yeah. You know that single motherhood is a thing, right?” Twilight’s face scrunched. “Yes.” “Besides. Don’t worry about it. We’re going to find her.” “How? It’s not like she’s going to come to us riding on the back of a winged horse!” At that very moment, Fluttershy stumbled around the corner into the damp alley where the pair were standing. They looked at her, and at the derped herp on her head. Rainbow Dash’s eyes widened. “Celestia’s vanilla scented BUTT,” she swore, turning to Twilight. “Twilight, did you do that?” “I- -I don’t think so!” “But you just said it- -and then- -” She turned back to Fluttershy. “How the- -holy Luna fluff, that’s WEIRD!” They both looked up at Fluttershy, but it was immediately apparent that she was not well. Her already pastel tone had gone from yellow to a horrible sickly color, also yellow. Her eyes were bloodshot, and her face flushed with fever. She did not seem to be able to stand straight, and was wobbling heavily. Her mane was messy, and only partly because it contained a large lizard. “Fluttershy, you shouldn’t be out,” said Twilight. “What with the hoof-in-mouth. I think you still have a fever- -” “I do not have swamp fever!” cried Fluttershy, the volume of her voice causing both Rainbow Dash and Twilight to jump back. “Who told you that? I’m not that kind of pony! I don’t- -oh- -go to swamps…” “Fluttershy,” said Rainbow Dash. “I think she’s right. You need to get into bed.” “And you can shut you’re pie hole, Twilight Sparkle!” said Fluttershy, pointing at Rainbow Dash and nearly tipping over. “Or…um…GUYlight Sparkle! Yeah!” “I’m not a stallion,” said Twilight. “Yeah,” agreed Rainbow Dash. “I’ve checked.” “I said it because…you look manly. Like a manly….man face!” “Fluttershy, how much cough medicine have you had?” “Well, the pharmacist was so nice, she gave me extra, and I didn’t want to waste it, so…a lot.” She pointed angrily at Twilight. “What did you just say to me?!” “I…didn’t.” “Don’t you lie to me Rarity! I’ve seen how you were eyeing those Dalmatian puppies! If you even think about it, I’ll…I’ll…” “Flutters,” said Rainbow Dash, approaching her carefully, “you’re sick. And acting hilarious. But you need to go home.” Fluttershy slapped Rainbow Dash in the face. Being Fluttershy, though, the force was roughly equivalent to the loving caress of a cotton ball. “Now you’re trying to put me in a home?” she cried. “What, do I embarrass you? I do! You’re embarrassed by old Flutter Butter. Because I’m fat!” “You’re not fat,” said Twilight. “Yes I am,” said Fluttershy, crying. “I’m a fatty Mcgee! Fattershy!” “Buttershy,” suggested Rainbow Dash. She was promptly slapped again. “Ow!” she said, rubbing her face. “That one kind of smarted…hmm. So this is how Scootaloo feels all the time.” “And not only did both of you come here to call me fat!” said Fluttershy, angry again, “but a little birdie told me that you were terrifying this poor herptile!” She pointed to her head, where Derpy was. “Well, yes,” said Twilight, “we need to catch her- -” “You MONSTER!” cried Fluttershy. “Do you think that just because she has scales and a three-chambered heart that she doesn’t have RIGHTS?! That you can just chase her around, frightening her left and right? How would you like it if I chased YOU?” “Well,” said Twilight, stopping to consider that idea. The thought of getting chased by Fluttershy made her wings feel strange and tingly. “If you were wearing- -” “You wouldn’t like it!” asserted Fluttershy. “How DARE you! How DARE YOU! Dare you! Dare…” She turned to Rainbow Dash and feverishly wobbled. “Rainbow, what was I talking about?” “You were about to make out with Twilight.” “Eew, no!” cried Twilight. “She has hoof-and-mouth! And I only like her as a friend!” “You don’t like me!” wailed Fluttershy. She was sad for a moment before going back to anger. “And you don’t like LIZARDS!” “No, I don’t like snakes- -” “So you admit you’re prejudiced!” “N- -no! They’re just so slippery, and they don’t have legs, and their all squiggly- -” “You’re about to be squiggly in a second! I won’t let you hurt animals!” “She’s not even an animal!” snapped Twilight. “So now you think herptiles aren’t even animals?” Fluttershy stepped forward aggressively. “Oh!” laughed Rainbow Dash. “Fluttershy is about to slap a filly!” “Rainbow, stop encouraging her!” “Yeah! Because you’re next! And I thought I could trust you! I thought you understood me! After that time when we got back from cider day…and you put that frilly saddle on me…and then we- -” “Twilight Sparkle hates lizards!” cried Rainbow Dash in a panic. “I KNEW IT!” squealed Fluttershy, turning back to Twilight. “So you admit it!” “No I don’t!” exclaimed Twilight. “I just want to take that lizard, and bring her back to my lab- -” “I’ll bring my lab! To your FACE!” There was a sound of nails clicking on the cobblestones, and a large brown dog jumped onto Twilight, knocking her back. “ACK!” she cried as the chocolate lab began to lick her face. “Get it off! I’m allergic!” “It’s no use!” said Fluttershy, wobbling again. “This is what you get for trying to hurt animals in Buttershy’s town!” Fluttershy suddenly yawned. “Wow,” she said. “I feel so sleepy. Being assertive is so…tiring…” She then collapsed, falling onto a pile of trash. Derpy was knocked free, and fell against the wall. She clung to it, and then scampered vertically up and over the roof of the house next to the ally. “No!” cried Twilight. “Rainbow Dash, get her!” “I’m on it!” Rainbow Dash shot off after the lizard, and Twilight levitated the dog off her. She pointed to Fluttershy. “You make sure she gets home safely, okay?” The dog looked at her, and then nodded. Twilight then spread her long, beautiful wings and flew upward- -striking the walls on either side of the ally several times before eventually sailing backward in the correct direction. The chocolate lab watched her go, wondering what he was actually supposed to do. nt:1'OSsYd�
Chapter 8: Smashed“There she is!” cried Rainbow Dash, spying the lizard running through the stalls in the town market. “Where?!” shouted Twilight, who was flying butt-end first. “I can’t see anything!” Rainbow Dash ignored her and ducked down, buzzing several stalls. Several ponies jumped out of the way, and one shielded his cart of cabbages. “Stop that lizard!” cried Rainbow Dash. One pony at a stall that sold spark plugs looked up with fright. “Wizard? There’s a wizard? Hey everypony, there’s a wizard here! Everypony PANIC!” They all looked at him, and then promptly did as he suggested. They ran around in every direction, overturning everything that could be overturned and underturning whatever was left. One of them, a member of Ponyville’s trio of florists, cried out. “A wizard!” she shrieked, “he’s going to turn us into PIGS!” “Or curse is with a blight!” said one of the other flower girls. “Or steal our waifus!” added the third. At the suggestion of the last one, all three of them fainted and lay on the ground, twitching. “Excuse me!” said Twilight, both in offense and because she was landing on top of several ponies. “I am, in fact, a wizard! And I resent this misrepresentation!” “NO!” cried the nearest pony. “We have offended Princess Twilight! We have incurred the wrath of Friendship! Everypony run! Repent! REPENT!” This caused them to panic even more. “How is ‘wrath of Friendship’ even a thing?” demanded Twilight. “It’s FRIENDSHIP. Wrath isn’t part of it!” This did nothing to quell the riot forming around her. Within seconds, most of the center of town had fled, going back to their houses or whatever sort of thing they could hide in- -dumpsters, random holes, bushes, shrubs, an outhouse, and others.” “Come on!” said Twilight, approaching the outhouse. “You’re all being ridiculous! In fact, we really could use your help catching that reptile!” “Amphibian!” called Rainbow Dash as she tried to navigate a complex flightpath through the now empty stalls. “Reptile,” grumbled Twilight. She threw open the outhouse door. She had seen at least five ponies go in there, and yet the entire room was empty- -and the seat was up. “Oh Celestia’s fuzzy ears,” she said. “Please tell me you all didn’t…” “Twilight! I could use some magic out here!” “Right!” replied Twilight. She started to leave, but then paused a moment to turn back and close the toilet seat. “Thank you,” said the voice of one of the hiding ponies. “No problem,” said Twilight, shuddering violently. “Twilight!” called Rainbow Dash. “She’s getting away!” Twilight turned to the now devastated market and looked around wildly. At first she did not see anything- -but then she saw Derpy scampering under several stalls with Rainbow Dash in hot pursuit. “Hold on! I’ll get her!” She raised her horn and fired a blast of magic. The spell shot out just as Derpy leapt into a crate of watermelons. There was an explosion of splinters as the crate burst open and the melons went rolling in every direction. “My watermelons!” cried a voice from inside the outhouse. Several melons- -and Derpy- -rolled into the street. Rainbow Dash and Twilight both leapt for her- -but neither of them reached her fast enough. A panicked stallion ran by, pulling his cart behind him without paying attention to his surroundings at all. As he passed, there was a sickening crack followed by a splattering sound. The cart disconnected, and the stallion, so deathly terrified of a wizard in his midst, continued to run, crying as he did so. Rainbow Dash and Twilight both came to a stop next to the cart, staring in disbelief. The entire plaza was now empty, and it seemed eerily silent and still. The only thing that moved was the red fluid that flowed out from beneath the cart’s tire. “Oh no,” whispered Twilight in panic. “D…Derpy?” said Rainbow Dash softly. There was no response. Twilight dropped to her knees. “She…she got squished!” “Twilight…” Twilight suddenly burst out in tears, weeping. “She got SQUISHED!” “There wasn’t anything we could do.” “What do you mean there wasn’t anything we could do?! It’s my fault she got turned into a reptile in the first place! And it’s my fault we couldn’t catch her! If I had been more careful- -if I had used a different spell- -she might- -she might still be…” “Amphibian,” said Rainbow Dash solemnly. “Red stain more like it!” screeched Twilight. “She was our friend! And best pony…” Twilight collapsed into sobbing. “She was,” said Rainbow Dash, putting her hoof on Twilight’s shoulder. “And I’ll inform her family.” “No, Rain- -hic- -bow, I’m the- -hic- -Princess- -” “But I’m a Pegasus. It’s my duty. To tell her two little girls that…they’re now…orphans…” She began to tear up. “Sparkler’s an adult, but little Dinky…I don’t know what…she’s going to do…” She suddenly burst out into the same heavy weeping as Twilight. “Crying isn’t cool!” she wailed as she began to hug Twilight. “Derpy!” cried Twilight. “Derpy, why! Why couldn’t it be me! Nopony likes me as an alicorn anyway!” “Why couldn’t it be Twilight!” wept Rainbow Dash. “Why did it have to be YOU?!” “I hope…I hope there’s lots of muffins in pony heaven,” said Twilight, who by this point had slowed down to the point where her face was soaked with tears and snot. “I hope so too,” said Derpy. “That would be so amazing!” Twilight and Rainbow Dash both hercked. They slowly looked up to see a familiar herptile sitting atop Twilight’s head. “Derpy!” cried Rainbow Dash. “You’re ALIVE!” “And you can talk,” said Twilight, angrily. “Of course I can talk,” said Derpy. “Why wouldn’t I be able to talk?” “Well,” said Rainbow Dash, “animals can’t normally do that.” “Oh.” Derpy derped. “But we’re ponies, and we talk, don’t we? Even the sheep talk around here. They have a lot of good stories about Big Macintosh!” “But then who got smashed?” All three of them looked at the red stain on the ground. Derpy gave a long sigh. “I’m afraid I broke a watermelon,” she said. “I didn’t mean too! But that happens a lot. Things breaking I mean. Produce, limbs, things like that. But now I can make watermelon muffins, I guess.” “Eew,” said Rainbow Dash. “It’s all dirty. They’d be gritty.” “Wait,” said Twilight, “so I get that’s a watermelon, and I’m an idiot. But you were running away from us this whole time!” “I was?” said Derpy. She turned her head. “Oops! Sorry! I was just going about my daily schedule!” “Daily…schedule?” “Oh yes. I do this every day! Although…” She lifted a lizard claw into view of one of her golden eyes. “I’m not usually a herptile when I do. I don’t know if that makes it harder or easier…” “But…the running…the chasing…” “Well, if you wanted to talk to me, you should have just asked me to stop. I’m pretty sure I still have ears. Maybe. And I’m always happy to help!” Twilight levitated Derpy off her head. In the sky, the sun was approaching the horizon. There was probably only a half hour to fifteen minutes left before the spell became permanent. Twilight charged her horn and muttered the demonic incantation that she had memorized earlier. There was a sound and a puff of smoke, and Derpy- -now a pony- -dropped to the ground. “Oh!” she said. “I’m a pony again! I feel so adorable!” “I’m really sorry I turned you into a lizard,” said Twilight. “Oh, that’s okay. It’s not the first time it’s happened.” “It…isn’t?” “No, of course not. Things like this happen to me on a weekly basis.” “They do,” said Rainbow Dash. “It’s one reason why she’s banned in sixteen Pegasus cities.” “Seventeen. Los Pegasus banned me last week. They sent me a really pretty letter, though. It was even notarized. And on that really good paper.” She sighed. “But I accidentally ate it.” “You ate a letter?” “It smelled like cake and I can’t see very well.” “Oh, yes,” said Twilight. “I forgot. You’re disabled.” She gasped. “I was performing experiments on a disabled pony? Oh crap, I’m a monster!” “No, no,” said Derpy. “It’s fine. And everything turned out alright!” “She’s right about that,” said Rainbow Dash. “I mean, sure, we destroyed Bon Bon’s house. And the market. But Derpy’s okay. And I know that Hoofers has REALLY good wings. And Octavia in socks, apparently.” “Yeah,” said Twilight. She smiled slowly. “I guess this did all work out.” The sun started to set. Derpy watched it- -or watched something. “Hey,” she said. “I have muffins. Do you want to share?” “Sure!” said Rainbow Dash. “I’m starving! Literally, because of my ridiculous metabolism!” Derpy produced three large, excellent muffins. Nopony asked from where. She gave one to Rainbow Dash, and one to Twilight. “Thanks, Derpy,” said Twilight, carefully unwrapping her muffin while Rainbow Dash bit directly into the top like some sort of heathen. “Muffins make everything better,” said Derpy, smiling. She held her muffin up to her face, and a long forked tongue extended suddenly from her mouth, moving in and out as she rapidly tasted her muffin and as Rainbow Dash and Twilight stared in horror. “Mmm,” said Derpy. “Blueberry!” aSswN�
Chapter 2: Glue TrapThe sight was not what Rainbow Dash had expected. She had not really known what to expect, because she never really bothered to ask what Twilight did in her free time. She had always assumed that Twilight did book-based things, like reading or shelving or inspecting bindings. Instead, she found herself looking at a large piece of paper that had been slathered in rubber cement. In the center, a muffin had been placed as bait. This had proven irresistible to the gray pony that was now completely entrapped by the glue, her hoof stuck to the paper inches away from her prize and her tongue still reaching for it as she sat immobile but still fixated on the high-fiber baked good. “Um, Twilight? This isn’t ethical.” “What? Oh, no, it is. The IRB approved it.” “You have an IRB?” “Yes. Me and Starlight.” Twilight looked to Rainbow Dash. “I’m surprised you know what an institutional review board is.” “I don’t. I thought it was beer.” “Ah.” “Muff…in,” said Derpy, struggling against the glue paper. “So many raisins…” Twilight looked at her. “We should probably collect her before her saliva washes away the glue. It’s not that great against water. And you’ll never guess what it’s made of.” “Twi, I fly in a LOT of races. I know exactly what glue is made of.” “Twilight? Rainbow Dash?” Derpy looked up at both of them simultaneously, even though they were standing on opposite sides of her. She smiled. “I’m so glad you’re here! I got stuck! Again…” Rainbow Dash sighed. “So, how are we going to get her off of th- -” RRRRIIIIIIIIPPPPP!!! The sound was so great that Rainbow Dash winced purely for the sake of empathy. Twilight had forcefully removed Derpy from the paper, leaving behind a significant portion of her mane, tale, body fuzz, and feathers. “Derpy!” cried Rainbow Dash. “Are you okay?!” Derpy shook her head. “No. I’m in a lot of pain right now.” “I’m not really aware of another way to do it,” said Twilight, shrugging. “Usually the glue traps just catch Spike.” Derpy pointed downward at the glue paper. “Can I have the muffin now?” “No,” said Twilight. “Muffins and refreshments will be provided at the end of the test.”
