And the World Just Got Twenty-Five Percent More Handsome.
“People of Pand-I mean the Crystal Empire!” A tall, thin (and supremely handsome) man with a pointed chin yelled to a massive crowd. A glorious mask adorned his beautiful face, one that only the top-of-the-line and high quality corporation known as Hyperion could manufacture. “I am Handsome Jack, your savior and king!”
“Um, Shining,” Jack's personal royal guard said, “you're a prince, not a king.”
“Blake, I told you: Mister Tassiter is dead,” Jack replied to the guard as he stared down at the cheering crowd. “So I'm king, not a prince. Get it right, or we’re going to have some serious issues.” The Handsome one turned to the now-concerned guard and took a few steps towards him. “Such as me throwing you out into the tundra with no clothes and letting the bandits get to you. That wouldn't be very good, now would it?”
“No, sir… it, uh, wouldn't,” Blake said hesitantly, resisting the urge to correct the all mighty prince for what felt the six-hundredth time that his name wasn't ‘Blake’. After a few seconds though, he simply trotted back towards the door.
“Oh, and Blake?” the Handsome one said. “My name is Jack, not Shining! Quit calling me that!’
“Right. Sorry,” Blake said.
Jack smiled and went back to basking in the cheers, praise, roses, and having the occasional bit thrown at him.
It's good to be king…
“I hate being king!”
Jack threw several pieces of paper at a royal guard in front of him and swiped his desk clean.
“What do you mean Dahl won't accept my request to buy them out!?”
“Shining, you know you can't… buy Canterlot, right?” Blake asked, cautious as to not invoke the wrath of the prince.
“Blake, you know damn well that I have the money to buy anything and anyone!” the Handsome one snapped back. “I knew you could be incompetent, but that's reaching a whole new level of stupid!”
Blake let out a heavy sigh and shook his head. “Even if you did buy Canterlot-”
“Dahl. I want to buy Dahl.” Jack turned to face his personal guard and glared at him. “What in the world is ‘Canterlot’? Is that some new corporation you didn't inform me about?”
“It's… the capital, sir.”
“Mhm…” Jack rubbed his chin and stared at the ceiling as he thought. It was a pose that would've no doubt inspired countless pieces of art worthy of kings and queens. After a bit, he replied to the guard who'd initially reported the news. “That's nice. Here's a blank check. Tell them they're now owned by Hyperion and that if they don't obey, I'll blow them to hell with Helios’ laser.”
The guard rolled his eyes and walked out the room. Jack smiled and turned to face the his personal one. “As for you, Blake, I want you to check on my sweet, little Angel.”
Blake saluted and darted out of the room, eager to get away from his boss.
Jack smirked. Once the door slammed shut, he sat down on his chair and hit a red button on his desk. “Hey, Nisha? Can you get me a pretzel?”
“Uhh… sure thing, sweetie,” a female voice replied, perplexed.
“Thanks.”
“So, is there any reason there's a giant ass cloud with a face outside my window, Blake?” the Handsome one asked with a scowl.
“That's King Sombra,” Blake replied from behind a plant fearfully. “H-he was king a long time ago.”
“Uh-huh…” Jack turned around and pulled out a black shotgun with a red stripe that ran down its side. He aimed it out at the former king and pulled the trigger, which resulted in several pellets flying out and creating a long rectangle of mayhem and destruction. The window shattered in hundreds of small pieces and Sombra’s face turned into swiss cheese.
Jack lowered the shotgun and smiled. “Okay, crisis averted,” he said, satisfied at what the high quality firearm had accomplished. “You can come out of hiding, Blake.”
Blake poked his head out. His jaw dropped when he saw the sight that Jack had created with a single shot. “W-what in the world!?”
“That, Blake, is the magic of the Hyperion Conference Call!” Jack said proudly as he held the shotgun high in the air. “It's a beauty, no?”
Blake fainted.
“I take that as a yes.”
“Damn it, where's my violin?” Jack asked while rummaging through his bedroom closet. “Why does it always go missing at the most important of times!?”
“Sir, you can't just play a violin when one of your guards loses a loved one,” Blake said with a frown. “It's wildly inappropriate, and makes you look like a dick.”
Jack spun around and stormed over to Blake; wild-eyed. “Listen here, genius,” he growled, “I’m Handsome Jack. Savior of Pando-I mean Equestria! Or whatever this shit hole is named. I made Hyperion the greatest company and I sure as hell am not going to be told that I can't play a violin to some low-level jackass whose mother just died because she ate too much!”
“Actually, sir, their dad died because he choked on an apple.”
“Ah, I see.” Jack walked over to the closet and pulled out a clarinet. “This better?”
“Much better,” Blake said with an approving smile. “Come, let's sing them the song of sorrows.”
A short while later, a clarinet was found buried in a wall and a royal guard was arrested for attempting to murder the Hyperion CEO and his personal guard.
“He said I should've played the violin,” Jack said to a reporter.
Jack finished putting up the final painting of himself inside his office. “How's it look, Blake?”
“It looks amazing,” Blake deadpanned.
“Oh, c'mon, Blake. Show some enthusiasm!”
“It looks super spectacularly awesome!” Blake said with wide eyes.
“Okay, that's much better!” Jack said. “But say that again, and I'm going to punch you.” He walked over to Blake’s side and admired his portrait. “So, how's that purchase of Canterlot going?”
“Last I heard, the guard was on his way back here,” Blake answered. “He’ll probably arrive by tomorrow afternoon.”
“Did he sound happy?”
“He sounded like he wanted to die,” Blake replied with a blank expression. He turned and stared Jack in the eyes. “He’s probably going to tell you that your purchase has been denied.”
“You really know how to show consistent optimism, Blake…”
“My mom used to tell me the same thing,” Blake said. “Though she used to also tell me that I was the product of a night of mistakes and Ghost Chilli Peppers.”
Jack stared blankly for a few moments. “Blake?” he asked after what felt like an eternity and a half.
“Yes, oh Handsome one?”
“Never mention that again.”
“I don't make promises that I'm incapable of keeping.”
Jack let out a heavy sigh and left the room.
“At least he doesn't know about my dad,” Blake said to himself before he followed his boss out of the room.
Twas an evening like any other in the Crystal Castle—which meant that Handsome Jack was admiring paintings.
Of himself. Obviously.
“Hmm… hey, Blake!”
A door swung open and, in a flash, the royal guard was by his king’s side. “Yes, oh Handsome and amazing one?”
“Why's Butt Stallion in this picture?” Jack asked as he pointed to a picture of unicorn and five other horses.
And what appeared to be a purple Claptrap.
“I thought I sold her to the Prometha Zoo,” Jack said as he turned to Blake.
“That's Rarity, sir. The Element of Generosity,” Blake said. “She lives in Ponyville and makes dresses. The other five are her friends—and the other Elements of Harmony.”
“And the Claptrap?”
“That's Spike, a baby dragon, and savior of the Crystal Empire,” Blake replied. “He defeated King Sombra a few months back.”
“You mean the thing I shot?”
“Yes.”
“A Claptrap actually did something useful!?” Jack asked, clearly surprised at this revelation.
“Um… yes,” Blake with uncertainty. He shifted awkwardly and cleared his throat. “The… ‘Claptrap’ defeated the evil king, but as yesterday showed, it was only temporary.”
“Heh. Well, even when a Claptrap does something useful, it's all for naught.” Jack motioned to the painting. “Take that down and burn it. I don't need to be reminded of Claptraps.”
Blake let out a yawn. “Can it wait until the morning?”
“Only if you want to end up like Mister Tassiter,” Jack said as he walked back to his bedroom.
Blake shook his head after his boss entered his room. “I hate you,” he mumbled before he took the painting down.
The following morning, the guard-turned-messenger returned to his boss’ office, only to be met with the natural response from him.
“What do you mean Canterlot denied my request and is now going to overthrow me!?”
Well, as natural as could be expected from the CEO.
Jack seethed with rage as he strangled the reporting guard. His nails had begun to dig into the unicorn's neck and his teeth looked as though the sheer force as which they were being pressed against each other would cause them to shatter. Then there was the fact that the Handsome one's veins were all threatening to pop out. To the dying guard, it looked as though his boss was trying to give himself an aneurism.
To Blake though, he cared not. In fact, he was smiling at the sight. Perhaps out of fear, perhaps out of admiration for his boss's ability to not cause a part of his brain to burst.
Not even he knew.
“It would appear that the princess known as Celestia didn't take kindly to the threat of complete and total annihilation by your non-existent space station laser,” Blake replied with a smirk. “It would also appear that that guard is now dead.”
Jack threw the lifeless corpse aside and frowned. “Great, now I need a robot army.” He looked over to Blake and sighed. “How's Angel doing?”
“She's fine,” Blake answered. “Though, may I ask how you're going to-”
“Rally the engineers and tell them to make robots,” Jack said. “Now!”
Blake saluted his hoss and ran out of the room, leaving Jack with the body.
I hate disposing of corpses… Jack thought to himself as he walked over to it. “What oh what can I do…?” He tapped his magnificent chin and thought for a bit. “Well, I have no garbage bags. At least, not any more…” Memories of previous guards he had to ‘fire’ filled his mind. A small bit of remorse filled him, but he knew it was for the greater good.
“Well… there's always Option B.” Jack walked over to his desk and opened a drawer. He pulled out an incendiary pistol that, at first glance, looked like something an alien would use. He admired the design for a moment before aiming it at the body. “Do your magic, oh wonderful E-Tech!” he said in an opera-esque tone of voice before firing the gun a few times.
A few needle sized bullets did little more than create quarter-sized holes, along with leaving singe marks, but the final three ignited the body.
“Alright, job done!” Jack said. “Now, to get lu-”
Then the curtains caught fire.
Then the bookshelf.
Then the bust of the Handsome one that was made out of the hair of Mister Tassiter that Jack had found on his old suits.
“Ahh… balls.” Jack did what any sensible hero would do. . . and ran out of his office.
A few hours later, his office had burnt down.
I knew I should've kept a Cryo weapon in my office… Jack thought as he watched a group of firefighters put it the blaze.
“So, Blake, what do you think of my back-up office?” Jack asked, his arms out-stretched.
“It's a factory,” Blake deadpanned. “It looks like you rented it out for fifty bits and a chocolate bar.”
Jack frowned and shook his head. “Blake, I built this place with my own two hands!” He grabbed a hard hat and put it on his head. “Whatever, I don't expect the likes of you to appreciate my architectural skill.”
Blake rolled his eyes. “Whatever,” he said. “Now, tell me: why did you call me down here? And please, tell me the truth.”
“Are Butt Stallion's friends Sirens?”
“No, Jack, they aren't. They wear special necklaces that give them powers,” Blake replied. “Or something.”
“So… they're like Sirens.”
Blake facehoofed. “No, Jack, they aren't Sirens,” he said, frustrated. “You asked me this over breakfast, lunch, dinner, during our game of Monopoly, and before we went to bed.”
“So, you're telling me they aren't Sirens?”
Blake walked away.
“Hmm… maybe he's hiding something.”
“No I'm not!” Blake yelled back.
“Maybe if you'd let me test-”
Blake spun around. “Jack, you're not going to dissect one of the Element bearers!” he snapped. “Lest you forget the public relations nightmare you caused after it got out that you'd performed experiments on your scientists because you mistook his cutie mark for a Siren tattoo!”
Jack chuckled. “Yeah, those were good times.”
Before Blake retort, his boss covered his mouth.
“Hey, before you go on a spiel about how I committed ‘appalling acts against ponies’,” Jack said in a mocking tone, “I need you to approve of some of my designs.”
Blake merely rolled his eyes, which Jack took as a sign of approval.
For some reason.
To two made their way to an office made out a non-flammable substance that Jack called ‘Eridium’, which glowed a bright purple and made the Handsome one's office look like night club, but with drawings of robots and a dart board with a Claptrap doodle on it.
“So, Blake, I have three designs-”
“I pick that one.”
Jack looked down at a piece of paper, which had a crude drawing of a cyborg bear with laser cannons on it. “Blake, that's the main character to my comic series back on Pandora.”
“Oh.” Blake shifted awkwardly. “Then that one.”
Jack looked behind him at a picture of a humanoid cyborg. “That's Wilhelm…” The Handsome one took out three designs and slammed them in front of Blake. “Here are the ones I want you to look over!”
Blake glanced down. The first design was of a robot. Square head, an insurmountable number of buttons and lights, and what looked like pincer hands.
All in all, it looked like Jack ripped it straight out of a 1950’s comic strip.
The second one was of something called a ‘constructor’ bot. The number of notes as to what Jack needed, including ‘magic from Equestria’s top unicorns’ made Blake shiver.
The last thing he needed was Jack attempting to siphon magic from unicorns.
The third was of cyborg yetis.
That was literally all there was. No drawing, no required parts.
Just those two words.
“I pick this one,” Blake said as he pointed to the third one.
“Awesome, that's the one I was thinking of doing,” Jack said. “All I need now are some yetis. Know where I can get any?”
“Uhh… I bet there are some in the mountains outside of the barrier,” Blake said, resisting the urge to protest his bosses ridiculous plan to fuse eight foot humanoid creatures with cybernetic gadgets and gizmos.
“Great, let's get to it!” Jack said as he walked by his already terrified personal guard, who knew he had no choice but to accompany his journey to the frozen tundra that was the outside of the Crystal Empire’s barrier.
“And don't forget the snow shoes, Blake!” Jack said from by the door that let out of the factory/office.
“Yeah…” Blake sighed. “Whatever you say, oh Handsome one…”
The vicious winds of the tundra blew against the heavily-coated Handsome one and his companion.
“I've got eyes on them,” Jack said as he peered through a pair of binoculars. He rested them down on the snow and turned to Blake. “Got the tranquilizers?”
Blake nodded and levitated the gun to his boss. “You sure these will be strong enough to knock them out, Jack?”
“Oh, definitely,” Jack replied. “I've used these babies to get rid of Skags. They're far more dangerous than some hairy giants.”
“What the hell are ‘Skags’?” Blake asked, confused.
“Imagine a dog, but its mouth is like a gun wound,” Jack said as he peered through the sniper scope. “Oh, and it defecates where it eats and breathes.”
“How… uhh… love,” Blake replied as he felt his stomach turn. “You couldn't have worded that differently?”
“Hey, you asked what they were, and I answered you,” the Handsome one said as he fired off a dart at what looked to him like the alpha male of the pack. “Don't blame me for answering your question.”
Blake rolled his eyes as Jack fired off several more shots at the pack of Yetis. After a bit, his boss stood up.
“C'mon, bonehead,” Jack said as he walked towards the unconscious giants. “We've gotta get these back to the factory so our guys can clone them.”
“Is… that even legal, Jack?”
“Most likely not, but I'm king, so who cares?” Jack asked as he attached a rope to one of the Yetis legs. “Okay, think the snowmobile can support their weight?”
“Probably not,” Blake replied as he used his magic to haul one of the beasts. “Holy crap, that thing weighs a ton!”
“Welp, guess we’ll just wing it!”
“What do you mean by that?” Blake asked, concerned.
“You're carrying them back.”
Several agonizing hours, dozens upon dozens of tranquilizer darts, and a handful of close encounters with Yeti claws later, the beasts of the frozen tundra were inside of the Handsome one's factory of fun and egregious crimes against everything.
“Jack,” Blake said, frostbitten and in more pain than one could fathom, “if you ever make me do that again, I will kill you in your sleep with a rusty nail.”
“That's nice, pumpkin,” Jack replied as he took a sip of hot chocolate. “Hey, want a blanket?”
“Yeah, I would,” Blake growled. “It's not like I've been standing in a factory that has no damn heat!”
“Hey, it has heat!” Jack snapped back. “Well, I mean, if you have a blanket. Like me!”
Blake fell backwards and let out a long sigh. “Forget it.”
“You're such a defeatist,” Jack said as he took another sip of his warm beverage. “You need to stop that. It's not healthy.”
“I don't care, John.”
Jack remained quiet for several seconds before he set his drink of a small bucket-turned-table.
“Say that name again and I'm going to dump a pot of boiling water on you.”
“Hey, at least I'll be warmer than I am now!” Blake yelled. He slowly stood back up, droplets of water falling off of his coat. He shook wildly—the rest of it coming off—before trotting towards Jack. “I digress though, what's next for the almighty king?”
Jack thought for a moment. “I dunno. The folks here have to finish making my army. I guess we can figure out what to do tomorrow.”
“Sounds wonderful,” Blake said before running out of the factory and to his warm home.
Jack stared blankly for a bit before he picked his drink back up. “I wonder if he knows that I wasn't going to give him my blanket…”
“What do you mean there's not enough power!?” Jack screamed to a terrified engineer.
“I-I mean the factory doesn't have enough power to start up each of the Yeti Cyborgs, sir,” the engineer replied as he cowered in a corner.
Jack took out a handgun and shot the engineer. “Worthless bastard!”
“Was that nece-”
“Yes Blake, it was!” Jack snapped, bug-eyed. “Now, follow me, I have an idea!”
“What about-”
“I'll worry about that later!” Jack screamed. “Now follow me or you're joining him!”
“Hello, my sweet Angel!” Jack said as he entered a dimly lit room.
In a crib, and surrounded what looked like surgical equipment, various formula bottles, and enough diapers to supply an entire city's worth of infants, was Princess Flurry Heart.
Or, in the eyes of the Handsome one, Equestria’s real siren.
“Are you capable of replicating that spell you used when I first got here?”
Flurry Heart tilted her head.
“Of course you aren't…” Jack sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. His breathing slowly grew more and more intense.
“Uh… s-”
“Give. Me. A. Damn. BREAK!” Jack took out his gun and threw it at a nearby machine, which caused it to discharge and narrowly miss Blake.
“Uh, sir, you realize she's a foal, right?” Blake asked, too terrified to mention his near Miss with the bullet, and far more concerned that his boss was ready to do some sort of unspeakable and egregious experiment on Flurry Heart.
“Yes, I’m fully fucking aware!” Jack screamed. “And you seem to have forgotten, once again, that I'm Handsome Jack!”
Whether it was the volume of Jack's voice, the intensity of it, or a combination of the two, the world may never know. Regardless, Flurry Heart let out a wail that shattered the glass of the door that led out of the makeshift prison, and a beam of magic shot out of her horn—and into a tube that was duct taped to the ceiling.
Even CEO’s have to make do with trusty duct tape.
Jack's eyes lit up with sadistic glee. “Yes!” he said as he raised a fist into the air. “Finally! Your worthless ass has finally done that crazy magic trick again!” With a wicked smile, he shoved aside Blake and ran out of the room.
“W-wait!” Blake said as he followed Jack.
And leaving Flurry Heart unsupervised.
Like good legal guardians.
Jack burst through into his factory, just in time to see his robotic army power up. His smile had reached inhumane levels of size and he could feel his heart race at speeds he once thought to be impossible.
“Yes!” he screamed as the hundreds upon hundreds of robots each powered up.
Blake burst through the door and saw his boss doing some sort of dance. That or he was having a seizure. He couldn't tell.
That was, until Jack spun around and grabbed Blake by the neck. “Tomorrow, I take Canterlot for myself!”
“Do… do you even know where that is?” Blake asked as he struggled to breathe.
Jack dropped his personal guard. His eye twitched and he could feel all of that joy drain from him in a heartbeat. “Uhh… crap. No, I don't.”
Blake rolled his eyes. “You're the biggest dumbass on the face of the planet.”
Jack glanced down to his personal guard, who felt a surge of fear fill him.
“Hey, Blake,” Jack said as he kneeled down next to him. “I've been meaning to ask you this as I consider it a very important question.” He rested a hand on the guard's throat and gave him a smile. “Do you know the difference between choking and strangulation?”
It was time. It had been a long, arduous journey, but Jack's personal robotic army was ready. Now, it was time to begin his siege of Canterlot.
Well, begin his long march to begin his siege of Canterlot.
Jack made his way towards his military base, having just instructed Nisha to take care of Angel. Strangely, she seemed more than willing to do so. Not that he cared now, as he cared more about his beautiful, beautiful army, which is all he’d been doing for the past ten minutes. He wiped away a tear and cleared his throat.
“Alright, my robotic army!” Jack yelled as he looked down at the yeti bots. “Today, we shall take Canterlot by force! If they won't accept my generous blank check, then I shall-”
BOOM!
“And that, Luna, is how you handle a domestic crisis,” Princess Celestia said as she looked over the crater that was once the Handsome one’s robotic army.
“Celly, you could've just had him removed from power. You are the ruler of Equestria,” Luna replied as she looked down at the smoldering crater. “After all, nopony was on his side. Everyone in the Crystal Empire hated him.”
“Eh, I figured that it'd be easier if we just got rid of him ourselves,” Celestia replied. “Now, let's go see if Discord can get Shining Armor back from Pandora.”
“Yeah, I still can't believe you dared him to switch Shining with somepony else,” Luna said as she and her sister flew off back to the train station.
Meanwhile, a battered and severely injured Jack watched as his office burned down.
Again.
Crap, I forgot that you can make Eridium flammable...
