Alicorn of Angry punchings
Things get weird. Fast. (Work in progress)
In a time Far beyond the comprehension of mortal beings, and in a place beyond the restrictions of the purely physical, a cosmic being sighs. For Eons it has watched our reality. From the first stirrings of life, The first time Cro-magnon man built artificial shelter, and into the tentative steps towards exploring the stars, it has watched...and it is utterly bored. Others of its kind have interesting things to watch. Epic space battles where entire galaxies are lit up by weapons fire and explosions. Fantastical realities where great wizards and their Steadfast Warrior companions do battle against unspeakable evils. Entire worlds of color, where physics takes a back seat to the comedic, or insane...and then there's us. Sure, there's been some excitement, but it always ends the same. Soldiers in varying colors of brown and beige shoot at each other in distant lands from various chest high walls and barriers. Then lots of boring "peace talks" happen. To the cosmic being, it was the equivalent of watching the same half-assed historical documentary over and over on loop. Boring and far too dry.
Eventually, The being decided its only course of action, was to write a fanfiction, throwing a character from its reality into another to see something different and interesting. and so, for the first time in eons, it moved. Many noises accompanied this, that a human brain could barely interpret, but suffice it to say that the physical equivalent would be this: A fat, wheezy man navigating his way out of a recliner, surrounded by empty energy drink cans and chip bags. Tendrils of the very power of creation seeped onto our world from the void beyond, and lit upon the perfect subject.
That subject is Tim. A human that has reluctantly provided the cosmic being with entertainment before. Whether it be through sarcastic wit, bitter tirades against the whole of creation, or just shutting himself in his room and rocking back and forth until whatever cosmic horror the being sends at him, the human has remained resilient.
"Oh, sweet jesus. What fresh hell is this" the human grumbled as a tendril of creation dragged the grumpy mortal before the being. "Oh, great. Hi kevin! Would you kindly fuck off? I'd rather not be put through your shit today, thank you very much."
The cosmic being chuckled. It then spoke. Once again, it was unable to be interpreted correctly by our puny mortal brains, but suffice it to say it went like this.
" What's up dude. You know my name's not kevin right?"
The human rolled his Eyes, and flipped the cosmic being the bird. "I know. Your real name takes seven books, a dark ritual, and madness to understand. but it starts with k'vintroteplaxia or something of the sort. so you're fucking kevin. A fitting douche name for a douche being"
"No need to be hurtful" kevin stated. "You realize I can kill you, any time right?"
Tim rolled his eyes and spread his arms wide. "YOU HAVE! DOZENS OF TIMES! ONE OF MY FAVORITES WAS WHEN YOU TURNED MY SKIN INTO BACON AND LEFT ME IN A DOG KENNEL! YOU NEVER LET ME JUST DIE!"
"Chill, dude. This'll be easy. I'm gonna write a fanfiction, and you're the main character! You'll get all the chicks, and have epic fights! It'll be great bro, you'll see." Kevin replied.
"No, Fuck you kevin. For all I know all of the chicks will have 20 inch cocks and my fights will be all about deepthroating. AGAIN. I'm telling you right now, theres no way, no how, that you'll get me willingly into another of your dumb fucking advent- Oh. You. Fucking. PRICK!" The human said, finally realizing he was alone in the middle of a green field. Looking down, he realized he was a quadropedal being, with white fur and his natural blonde hair. he trotted to a small puddle nearby and looked at his reflection. Staring back was a frowning, annoyed-looking alicorn. "great. I'm a horse. A magic winged horse" just before he started reflecting on his life however, a huge crash resounded behind him as his house slammed into the ground.
As Tim stared helplessly at the ruins of his home, a note floated down and landed on his face. "A little bit of home, courtesy of your benevolent god, -Kev" Growling, Tim crumpled the ball and activated his magic, thankful at least that the lazy, prick bastard of a cosmic being had at least given him full control of his new powers. In fact, Tim smirked as his house repaired itself. KEv had given him TOO MUCH power. and lit his horn again.
**Meanwhile, at KEvin's place**
The Cosmic being known only as kevin to those who don't worship lovecraftian horrors, "Paled" as he realized his mistake, far too late as the power he'd given to Tim manifested as a giant, celestial hammer, and crushed the solar systems that functioned as the equivalent of his testes into dust, and a giant flaming fist flipped him the bird.
**Back in pony-land**
Tim Wandered the area, carrying his house in a bright blue glow as he looked for a place to settle down. He knew he'd be stuck here for a while, and with Kevin's inexperience at writing fanfiction, Tim knew he'd be some stupid gary stu and wanted to avoid all of that bullshit. So, he sought some quiet hamlet, where he could live in peace and anonymity, watching his anime, eating cheetos, and occasionally smoking his homegrown grass. Soon, he came upon a sign, and a tiny village. "Ponyville it was called.
`"Well, this can't be a place for protagonists. its name has so little effort it cant possibly be more than a background town that shows up every once in awhile right?" Tim asked the air, trotting up to the sleepy looking place. Wving at awed ponies as he passed, and setting his house down in an unnocupied lot near the town center. "Perfect".
