I Rock

by Goldy

Rating: teen
Tags: Other, Random, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2044

I go to Equestria. AND I BECOME A ROCK.

I get sent to Equestria. Yay, very original. Well, I'm not exactly a pony. Am I at least something else that's cool? No. Am I at least something that's worthy of a story being made? No. Am I at least something alive? No. I'm a GOD DAMN ROCK.

Not only is this a parody of every HiE fic, it also explains my crazy theory of the same recurring rock. I also have a kind of grimdark ending that my screw-up mind came up with.

Published 2012-07-16 03:34:07 UTC
Last updated 2012-07-16 03:34:07 UTC

I Rock

I Rock
By GoldenEagle159

Alright, so this begins my tale. It was an average day for me; wake up, eat breakfast, hop onto my laptop. I went straight to Youtube. Nothing cool, like usual. Then to Twitter. There was some funny stuff from Tara Strong, but nothing else was special. Then to Equestria Daily. I just checked out the the Nightly Roundup. There was nothing cool on Equestria Daily. Then, my final stop: FiMFiction. I had but one message. I checked it out. It was from an account I never saw before. It linked me to a different website. I clicked on it like the idiot I am. It claimed to be a portal to Equestria. Seems legit. Being even more of an idiot, I downloaded something. When it finished downloading, my laptop suddenly crashed. I got pissed off, since that happens when my computer overheats when I play TF2. I turned it back on after a couple minutes. Suddenly, the computer became a portal and I got sucked in. "I hate my life," I said to myself as I span around in the portal. Then something slammed me in the back of my head, instantly giving me a concussion.

I slowly woke up. I looked around to see myself inside a cave. A cold one at that. I was near the entrance, and I saw that there was a blizzard going on out there. I waited a few minutes to regain energy by just lying there. I eventually dragged myself to get up to go. No, I tried to. But I was just stuck there. Nothing kept me down, but I just couldn't get up. I tried screaming for help. But I didn't say anything, not even a muffle. What the hell is happening to me?! I thought. I tried moving my "head". I could look around, but I couldn't move my head. Like, my eyes were circumnavigating something. I also couldn't smell. So: I could see very awkwardly, and hear. Huh.

Suddenly, I saw silhouette outside the cave. No... six. Six silhouettes. All coming right towards me. I did what the best thing I could have done at the time: Flail around my eyes and try to scream. I knew I was basically screwed. I stared at the silhouettes coming towards me. They walked on 4 legs. And they looked like... ponies. Ponies? Maybe that portal did work, but I'm half of what I'm supposed to be. Or less. I don't know. They came closer, and I saw the 6 ponies. They were half-familiar to me. For some reason, I couldn't recognize their faces (or mane, or color, or... whatever.), but I could recognize their clothes. I tried to think of what I recognized while I still panicked. It isn't a very good combo, just so you know. As they came closer, they... didn't seem to notice me? They were HUGE, and they literally walked over me. There were 2 earth ponies, 2 pegasi, and 2 unicorns. Then, it hit me: These were the founders of Equestria from Hearth's Warming Eve. But instead of the mane 6, these were the original ones. I felt so honored to see them. But I still had no idea what I was. They did the dialogue and started making visible barriers. Private (a.k.a. Fluttershy) went up to where I was, but moved around me. Then, it hit me again: I'm a rock... Wait, what?! Oh come on! Wait... I'm the rock they fought over... I'm important to Equestria history! Then, the scene rolled out: They picked me up and fought over me. I felt like a pimp. Well, there was one problem: Commander Hurricane was a dude. That must have been why Fluttershy referred to Rainbow Dash as "Sir" in the episode. Huh. Well, eventually, I was thrown outside into the blizzard. I would have froze to death if I was alive, or if I at least had heat sensors. Well, I was stuck out there. The blizzard went away a couple minutes later, but I was still stuck out there. Ponyville and Canterlot were starting to be built by where I was, even though they were just a couple small cottages. When night came, the six ponies went inside their new homes. But I was still stuck outside! Well, since I had little- I mean, NO choice, I fell asleep, closing my non-existent eyes.

I woke up the next morning- or what I thought was next morning. I looked towards the small houses to see if I could see the ponies, but what I saw instead surprised me. It was a full-sized Ponyville. It's impossible! How can they increase the size of their buildings in a single night? As the Heavy would say, IS NOT POSSIBLE! What was also weird was that I felt... larger. Like the rock... er, I, grew in size. Maybe I'm just weird, or maybe that's how Equestrian rocks work. Maybe that's also how it works in my world. I dunno, I never took geometry. Um... geography... Crap, I am officially stupid from being a rock. Well, I was still stuck there. I just waited... and waited... and waited...

Well, let's just say I was stuck there for many hours. I was as bored as a board, waiting for something to happen. Suddenly, I noticed a pony walking towards me. They were a dark pink... had straight, pink hair... and... three balloons as a cutie mark... Shit! I'm going to be turned into rock cupcakes! Wait... why is there suddenly Pinkie- erm, Pinkamena? I was only asleep for... one night... Then it hit me: I wasn't asleep for a night, I was asleep for thousands of years! Stupid rock hibernation! Or maybe I just went into a coma. I dunno. Well, as the psycho walked towards me, I braced myself. She got close then just stared at me.

"Ooh," she said. "This rock is perfect!" She then picked me up of the ground.

Shit, shit, shit, shit! Why me?! What's she going to do with me?! As my stupid thoughts scrambled around in my rock head, she walked inside... where? Pinkie's house? I dunno; I couldn't recognize it. I noticed some things: A bucket of turnips, two other of my brethren rocks, a pile of lint, a bag of flour, and a ton of party hats. What? Then it slammed me on the head with an encyclopedia: I was in crazy Pinkie's forever alone party. And I guess I'm Rocky. Cool. Well, she slammed hats on all of the objects except the other rocks. She then put one on me and constructed Rocky out of me and the other rocks. It was creepy. But at least I was the one on top, which was cool. Well, I was the smallest, but I didn't care. Pinkamena's party for Gummy began, and, well, I was, in fact, Rocky. Whenever she moved us, I felt like I was being violated. She made me- er, us, er- Rocky say, "I'm just glad none of them ponies showed up!" Then she went officially crazy. Thankfully, my savior, Rainbow Dash, opened the door. Eventually, the crazy pony was shoved out by her. And... well, I was then stuck in there. Oh come on!

Hours later, the regular Pinkie came back. She took us rocks and threw us outside like we were rocks or something. Wait... Anyway, me and my friends were stuck outside. Days, possible weeks later, some pony in a bulldozer pushed us up to a mountain. I didn't even know they had bulldozers in Equestria. When I was up to a mountain side I... started becoming part of the mountain wall. I still don't understand Equestrian geology... there's the word I was looking for! Well, I became part of the mountain. It's really weird and creepy. And apparently there are "spirits" in some rocks, but not all. I guess this mountain side had no other spirit in it, so I became the mountain wall by definition. Cool. Despite being awesome and a freaking side of a mountain, my only choice was to go into hibernation again. And, well, I did. Even though it was a lot shorter than last time. But whatever.

I was awoken from my slumber by nothing. What? Why did I- Then suddenly, a blue portal appeared under me and, well, I was sucked in. It was weird, since only part of the mountain wall came in; there was just a big rectangular hole where I was. I looked around with my weird "eyes" to see where I was. I appeared to be in a clearing of a hedge maze. Um... Well... I was stuck there. And I waited for something to happen, since a portal wouldn't just randomly appear. Unless you're like me, where you get sucked into your damn computer. I waited... and waited... and-

No, screw that. Later, I saw something come around the corner. It was a pony who was white and- oh my gosh it was Rarity! My princess came to save me! But then she bumped into me. Crap. Then I heard a voice... it seemed familiar... it was... Discord! I still hate him for making Fluttershy a jerk. Then another thing hit me: He's using me to hypnotize Rarity! God dammit, Discord! Then another thing hit me: If those are true, then that means-

Then she suddenly started attacking me! No, stop, no, stop! My spirit was bouncing around in the rock. Rarity got a boulder out of it, and I was lucky enough to be inside of it.

"Well, Rarity," the grey mare said. "It took forever, but it was worth it! Who knew three little gemstones would turn out to be this handsome HUNK of a diamond?" Yep, my thought was right. I'm Tom. Who'd have thought I would be the 3 rocks in the Friendship is Magic universe that I knew the most?

Well, the two-part episode played out, and I somehow ended up in Carousel Boutique with Rarity. I was so flattered, despite me being a rock instead of a diamond, but I didn't care. Rarity loved me... okay, I started becoming creepy. Suddenly, Twilight, Fluttershy, and Applejack burst into the boutique. "What do you think you're doing?!" Rarity said as the ponies walked up to me. "Get away from my gem! GET AWAY-" I would have blushed if I could. But, Twilight, for some reason, did a memory spell on ME, and, well, I guess Rarity realized I'm an ugly boulder instead of a diamond. I felt so ashamed. Rarity pushed me out the door, and I rolled into the barren, chaotic landscape. "Let us never speak of this again," Rarity said as the four walked away from me.

No, wait! Save me! Don't leave me here don't... I knew it was hopeless. They can't hear my thoughts. And besides, they would still leave me behind. I'm just a dumb rock. I lied to them. To her. I deserve every bit of this. I deserve to be kept here forever, until an earthquake destroys me into hundreds of pieces, until Equestria itself ends. I deserve it.

Hours later, Discord was apparently defeated, and the chaotic landscape started disappearing. I was wrapped up with the land, and I left Equestria with the land. I was just stuck inside the technicolor landscape, and I would stay there. Forever. I deserved it. Unless, of course, I managed to be saved somehow...

I'm writing this part about right now. I've had a lot to think about, and I have. I've thought about Rarity, Pinkie, and the rest of them. And I'm not apologizing. No. I'm going to get my revenge. I will come back. I will strike. I shall overthrow them. I shall defeat their princess. When I find out how to defeat them in this rock body, I shall defeat them all. I already have most of it planned; I'm in the shape of a human, and I'm writing this with my rocky hand. And I'm alive. I have tons of power, and I'm near-invincible. I shall attack and win. I shall win the battle. AND I SHALL RULE THEM ALL!

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The end?
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