Goldenpie

“Woh!” The lightly dressed woman gasped as she felt Valentins big hand slap her behind.

She wanted to slap the chubby meat mountain over the cheek so hard that he’d feel it for days. She wanted it because she knew that she could do it. She looked at Valentin, who looked at her with squinted eyes. The green clothed dancer placed her profession before her emotions. She put on a fake smile.

“You dirty girl!” Valentin scolded and laughed. The four other girls in the room breathed a sigh of relief.

Once the girls pass had ended they all walked out of the room, leaving Valentin alone. In that same moment a presence walked in, a presence with four hooves. It had a dark cloak covering itself. Valentin almost reached down for his gun when he suddenly remembered that MI6 agent Pinkie Pie had no horn. The white horn jutted out from behind the dark cloak. A white hoof moved behind it, shoveling the cloak sideways. The cloak fell down onto the brothel floor and revealed a white unicorn. She had three diamonds at the side of her flank.

In Equestria the alicorn princess was biting her hooves, her face twisting in nervosity. Behind her there were boys.

“It’s not going to work.” Ash Ketchum sulked.

“Yes it will.” Littlefoot insisted.

“No it won't.”

“Yes it will.”

“No it won't.”

“Yes it will.”

There were silence. Twilight took a deep breath as her anger calmed...

“Yes it will.”

“No it won't.”

“Yes it...”

“Enough!” Twilight blasted. “Boys. Please. I am trying to be POSITIVE!”

“That’d be a start.” Ash remarked boyishly.

“What did you say?!”

Littlefoot leaned his long neck closer to Ash.

“Dude, i think you just made her angry.” He whispered.

“I think i just did.” Ash concluded hoarsely.

“Pika.” Pikachu agreed.

“Well, i for one think she’d makes an excellent candidate for this endeavor.” Peter Dinklage said cryptically.

“I agree. I think she can pull it together.” Littlefoot said about Twilight, misunderstanding Peter referring to Rarity.

“Do you really think so? I mean, there can’t be much more hoof left to bite there.” Ash said.

“Pika.” Pikachu agreed.

Twilights face twisted in anger. She growled as her skin turned red.

“Man, was there something i said?” Ash asked.

“Dude, i told you you should have apologized.” Littlefoot misremembered.

“No, you didn’t!” Ash bickered. “You’re the one who told her that she wouldn’t be able to pull it together.”

“No i didn’t! I told her i believed that she she could pull it together.”

“Come on man. Do you ever meet any girl dinosaurs in The Great Valley? It’s a fact about girls that when you say you believe it she’ll immediately assume you believed the opposite from the start.” Ash lectured.

“Come on man, so you mean that i can't be positive with her?” Littlefoot asked incredulously.

Ash shook his head

“No you can't.” He whispered hoarsely, thinking about Misty.

“You guys are such noobs.” Peter Dinklage turned to the dinosaur and the pokemon trainer. “Women aren't looking for what you where before... they are searching for who you are now. You just need to show them some understanding, listen. Hurm...” Peter coughed. He continued talking slowly.

“Twilight Sparkle, i know that Rarity is your friend and i know how much she means to you and that she is about to stand face to face with a ruthless, girl beating gangster with a loaded pistol in his pocket. But i am most... I mean, almost 86 precent confident, by my calculations, in the notion that your friend, Rarity, will not get shot in the face today.”

Twilights angry face relaxed into mere frowning.

“Thanks Peter.” She said.

The other boys looked at Peter. He raised his arms.

“Well i gave the notion that i understood girls, but i never said they liked me for understanding them.”

“What? Have you never seen a unicorn before?” Rarity answered Valentins studying look.

Valentin immediately felt challenged. He spoke firmly.

“Well. I can’t say i have. Have you come here just to show me that?”

“Oh, no. Darling please. I didn’t come here to show you anything. I just came here to talk.”

Valentin grabbed his chin.

“About what?!” He boomed.

“About Pinkie Pie of course” Rarity answered innocently.

Valentin felt a shudder at the mention of the pony MI6 agents name. He reached down his pockets and brought out his pistol.

“Pinkie Pie?” He asked darkly.

Twilight was biting her hooves so fast that she sounded like a woodpecker.

“What...? What are you doing? What is that?!” Rarity wailed, pretending to be bewildered. She backed away.

“What do you think it is?” Valentin asked, turning his weapon slightly. Rarity started breathing heavily. She put on a teary face.

“Please sir...h...h. I didn’t mean to offend you...h.... I was just looking for my long lost friend.” She sobbed.

“Friend?”

“Oh please. Please sir. Have mercy!” Raritys face bathed in tears as she crawled at the floor.

Valentin grumped as he heard the unicorn crying. Obviously she didn’t know that her friend was an MI6 agent. He could just throw her out, or something else. Still, she could prove useful to control Pinkie Pie.

“Alright. Alright.” Valentin put away his pistol. “Stop crying for heavens sake, you turn of my guests.”

Rarity looked up at Valentin. She wailed her eyes around the room as she stood up, acting confused. Valentin looked at the unicorn.

“What’s your name?” He asked. Rarity snorted before answering.

“Rarity.”

“Rarity.” Valentin said dreamily. “What a beautiful name.”

“Oh, thank you my dear.” Rarity answered hoity toity. I was like her crying had tripped and fallen down a hole.

Valentin looked bewildered the unicorn. He knew that he was a human and she was a pony. But he couldn’t lie to himself, he liked the way this unicorn controlled her emotions. Maybe he would even enjoy using her to get to Pinkie Pie. He smiled suggestively.

Valentins suggestive smile projected out of the TV screen.

“Ooookay, THIS is awkward.” Ash said with a bent mouth.

“I didn’t know pony fetish was a thing in the 90s.” Peter Dinklage said.

“What’s a fetish? Littlefoot asked enthusiastically.

Back in the movie the conversation continued.

“Now. Back to the reason why i’m here.” Rarity were saying. “I don’t know for sure if you would able to help me. But i heard that you might be the guy to turn to about my friend.” Rarity leaned in closer and looked straight into Valentins eyes. “...I really miss her. You know.”

Valentin was taken a back by the unicorns daring advance.

“Sure you do.” Was all Valentin could say.

“Maybe there’s a place we could ‘talk’ about this alone? I’m not a huge fan of crowds, you know.” Rarity lied.

Valentins face frowned slightly.

“I have an idea. How about we talk about it...” Valentin then empathized. “...Right here?”

“Here?” Raritys eye glimmered in sadness. Valentin felt himself pierced by those blue eyes. He stammered“...I mean...Right here in my office upstairs.” Valentin smiled. Rarity returned.

“Yes!” Twilight exclaimed while throwing her hoof in a display of success. The plan to get Valentin to go alone with Rarity into his study appeared to have worked.

“Alright. Shall we go?” Raritys beautiful blue eyes flickered. She turned her white pony body around.

“After you sweetheart!” Valentin boomed and smacked his big chubby hand behind Rarity. Rarity froze. There were a hissing sound.

In front of the TV screen Twilights white teeth smiled pearly white.

“Ooooooooooo boy.” Peter Dinklage said.

Rarity wailed around. Her furious face jittered with red veins.

“What in the WORLD DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING!”

Valentins face got stuck between bewilderment and seriousness.

“I’m doing what I'm allowed to do in my own brothel!” He blasted.

“Gi...K....A....What you are ALLOWED TO!? You’re ALLOWED to treat a LADY like she's some kind of piñata!”

Valentins face dropped. His eyes blackened. He took out his pistol again.

“This is MY brothel. And I'm ALLOWED to do anything i want you foolish girl!”

Rarity looked angrily at Valentin. Valentin aimed his pistol right in between her blue eyes. Raritys anger thickened inside the private room. Valentin pulled the trigger, slightly moving his hand to the right.

The bullet sailed right past Raritys head. The red curtain behind her shook as it went through it. Raritys angry eyes showed no sign of flinching. Valentins dark eyes hardened.

“What’s the matter girl? Do you WANT to die?!” Valentin asked darkly.

Raritys eyes remained hard. Valentin fired three more bullets. Two flew past the left side of Raritys head whilst the third cut the right side of her throat. A small sip of blood dripped down from her white coat. Raritys angry eyes showed no sign of flinching, as if saying ‘Aren't you going to apologize?!’

Valentins dark eyes veered left and right. His face twisted in confusion as his eyes grew dim. Raritys face softened slightly. She turned around rapidly, letting her tail slap Valentin over the face.

“Hum!” She exclaimed as she walked toward the exit. She stopped and turned around.

“Are you coming or what?” She asked with beautiful but hardened eyes.

Valentin stared blankly at the white pony. She was either the bravest or the stupidest creature that he had ever meet. His first instinct was to shoot her and send her to Pinkie Pie piece by piece. But still...

“Alright. Go up there and i’ll be there in a minute.”

“Well. I guess then you’ll apologize to a lady before she’s leaving the room?!” Rarity asked firmly.

Valentin looked around left and right. He didn’t want someone to hear him give in to this creature. He grumped as he rose up to his feet.

“Alright. Follow me white pony.”

“Unicorn darling” Rarity corrected.

Valentin grumped for an answer as he walked past her.

Rarity followed Valentin to the upper floor. The boys in front of the TV screen celebrated the way they knew how.

“Se. I told you it would work.” Littlefoot said smugly.

“Hurm. I guess you did.” Ash grumped.

“At least she's not dead.” Peter Dinklage said.

“Huuuuuuuuh!” Twilight Sparkle said as she fainted in front of the TV, of the boys inside or outside the movie she wasn’t sure.

As Rarity followed Valentin into his office she saw him walk to the table.

Valentin opened his drawer and took out a cigar. He lit it. There was a strange flashing sound under and behind him. He spoke to Rarity as he turned.

“So? About your friend...?” Valentin froze as he found that there were no white unicorn behind him anymore. The door had been closed.

“Hello Valentin.” A highly pierced voice greeted in the corner.

Valentin turned his head. A figure with a hanging curly hair were sitting in the corner, darkness covered her colors. Valentins face frowned.

“Pinkie Pie.” Valentin said. He noticed that she didn’t have a gun. He pulled out his pistol and aimed at her. The figure raised her head, revealing its pink shade as the light from the gaping window peaked inside.

“A shame. We barely got to know each other.” Valentin said and pulled the trigger of the gun he recently used on Rarity. The gun clicked. Valentin looked at it in confusion.

“But how? I just used it?!”

“On who? Another helpless girl, Valentin?” Pinkie Pie teased. Her voice had a dark core despite its high pitch.

Valentin ran to his office table and opened the gun drawer were he kept his magazines. He put in a new one and pulled the trigger. It clicked again.

“I know were you keep your magazines.” Pinkie Pie said. She hurled her hoof forward, causing the contraption she had under her Q suit to appear with her pistol. The silencer on Pinkie Pies PPK silhouetted against the entering sunlight from the gaping window.

“Are you here to kill me?” Valentin asked.

“Kill you? That depends.” Pinkie Pie spoke slowly.

Valentin walked behind his table and sat down in his office chair. He put out his vainly lit cigar.

“I should have known that Rarity woman was a worm.” Valentin said.

“Rarity? Can't say i know that name.” Pinkie Pie lied and shook her head. Valentin laughed. There were silence as Valentin studied Pinkie Pie.

“Why are you here?” He asked. Pinkie Pie leaned her head forward, showing her beautiful blue eyes glaring at Valentin.

“Hans Grunz.” Pinkie Pie said plainly.

Valentins eyes remained unmoved at the mention a pilot under his payroll.

“Hans Grunz? Who the (Beep) is that?!”

“You know? He really had a nice beard that guy. Pointing downward like an icicle, a pretty handsome voice to...”

“Alright. Alright! What about him?!” Valentin blasted.

“He worked for you. He was chasing me and a friend of mine, a Russian hacker, alongside the Ukraine border.”

Valentin looked down and pretended to study his fingers. He laughed nervously.

“Russian hacker? What Russian hacker?”

“Boris Grishenko.” Pinkie Pie answered slowly.

The silence laid again as Valentin seemed to make up his mind. He finally blasted.

“So what? He owes me money! Are you surprised, interfering in my affairs, that someone who is working for me ends up shooting at you?!”

“Oh no, not at all.” Pinkie Pie said understandingly. Valentin grinned. Pinkie Pie then added darkly. “I’m just surprised that his co pilot wasn’t...” Valentins face dropped.

“...working for you.”

The silence laid itself inside the office. Pinkie Pie relaxed into her chair again. She raised her pistol.

“How long have you and Ourumov known each other?” Pinkie Pie asked slowly.

“You know what? You’re a smart pony. Lets make a deal...”

“The same deal you gave Boris? You helped him get out of Russia, little did he know that you also received payment to kill him.”

Valentins hands started shaking.

“So what? I take some money here and take some money there. I’m the reason that worm is even alive. And this isn’t about the money. It’s about...”

“...Information." Pinkie Pie interrupted. "You don’t really care about the technical stuff Valentin, unless it is technical stuff that allows you to gain the upper hand against a possible future dictator of Russia.”

“Who knows what ideas that smug general has with his stolen government office supplies?” Valentin referred to the Goldeneye.

“Who knows? And who knows whats going to happen now? You see Vally, you never really gave Boris a way out of this. Sooner or later you were going to have to kill him, wether you'd received the information or not. And since iv’e received orders from my employer to keep him safe, using any means necessary, i don’t really have a reason to leave this office with you still alive Valentin.” Pinkie Pies high voice speared through the thick air, like a bullet spearing through flesh.

“Then why am i still alive?” Valentin asked. There was a hopelessness in his voice.

Pinkie Pie reached into her pink tailored suit. She picked up a thick envelope and tossed it across the room. It landed neatly at the table in front of Valentin, causing some documents to sail down from it. Valentin glared down at it with apathetic eyes.

“The British secret service would like to thank you for helping Boris out of Russia. Inside that document you’ll find payment for this. You will never speak of Boris Grishenko again and Boris will never have to se you or your goons ever again. And Ourumov...”

Valentin looked up at Pinkie Pie.

“...Ourumov is your problem.”

There were the sound of hooves walking. Valentins eyeballs wailed slightly sideways. Starlight Glimmer were appearing from a dark corner of the room. With her horn magic she was carrying the magazine recently placed in Valentins pistol, along with the bullet inside the gun. She tossed both objects at the floor under Valentins table.

“I believe this is yours.” She said.

Pinkie Pie rose up from her seat, still pointing her silenced PPK at Valentin. Starlight Glimmer walked up to her and placed her hoof around her.

“Don’t make me come back for you Valentin, cause if you do...” Pinkie Pie paused. Valentin looked at her, her dark pupils in-between her limply hanging curly hair tore right into him.

“...We’ll be having a party.” She said darkly.

Starlights horn lit up. In a flash the two ponies disappeared. Valentin looked down at the document, looking like it contained only one percent of the money he had been promised by Ourumov and Boris. He closed his eyes. His mind went to the lonely hacker that didn’t have a dime, then to the crazy general that seemed to have his mind set on wiping out thugs like him rather then help him.

Valentin grumped. He picked up the envelope. He opened it and started counting the money.

There were the sound of a door sliding open. The dancer with green clothes walked in. Valentin glared at her.

“And what do you want? Get down there and make me some money...”

The dancer raised her arm. The silencer sparkled in the light gaping from the window. There were four subdued puffs, followed by a bump. Valentin was laying face down at the table. His blood ran underneath the money envelope.

The dancer placed the tip of the silencer at her mouth. She smelled the gun powder. She licked its edge, tasting sweet death. She moaned.

Xenia Onatopp turned around and walked out of the room.

“Ourumov sends his regards.” She said before leaving the room.

The warmth from the fire still sailed up. Apple Jack placed her hooves above it, feeling its soft touch.

“So all i need to do is to look out for trouble?” Apple Jack asked.

“Yes.” Pinkie Pie answered. “The moment Boris and Starlight hack into Ourumov's system there will be a great risk of us being discovered. You will have to warn us in case somepony tries to sneak up on us.”

“And what do i do then?” Apple Jack asked. Pinkie Pie reached down inside a bag she had brought. She picked up a sniper rifle with a silencer.

“You’ll turn their element of surprise to your own.” She answered.

“But i can't use that. I don't know how.” Apple Jack said.

“I’ll teach you. Come here.”

Pinkie Pie had Apple Jack lay down at the snowy ridge they were on. They both took turn and looked through the sniper scope. Below laid the abandoned school house of witch the rest of the gang had set up camp. The ridge provided a perfect overlook of it. They both took turn firing the rifle at some small targets that Pinkie Pie had placed below. Apple Jack was in awe. Pinkie Pie hit every target bullseye. She was glad that she was on their side.

Apple Jacks mind went back to Ponyville. She remembered a party they had. She remembered who had been throwing that party. Apple Jacks awe faded slightly. She turned her face down.

Pinkie Pie saw that Apple Jack had her face turned down. She placed a hoof over her back.

“Hey. Apple Jack?”

Apple Jack looked at Pinkie Pie.

“I know you can do this. All you need to do is to remember what i told you.”

“Yes. Pinkie Pie. Yes, it’s not that.” Apple Jack shook her head.

“Then what is it?” Pinkie Pie asked bewildered.

“It’s just that...” Apple Jack paused. She looked at Pinkie Pie again. “You’ve changed so much since you left Ponyville.”

As Pinkie Pie trotted into the principals office she though about what Apple Jack said. She felt herself sink into melancholy again. Indeed, she was still trying to get used to her friends reacting to her being two ponies at once. It was not that she was disappointed at their reactions, on the contrary she were glad that they kept pointing it out for her. She remembered what Twilight said and Pinkie Pie knew that they would all be having a party if they all ended this movie and made their way back to Equestria. She only hoped that she would be able to return to her old partying self again at that point.

“Hi Boris.” Pinkie Pie greeted as she spotted the Russian hacker.

“Hello Pinkie Pie. So? Do we have our lookout.”

“Apple Jack is all over it.” Pinkie Pie answered. Her voice bathed in sadness.

Starlight was sitting next to Boris. Her eyes saddened as she caught sight of Pinkie Pies lowering pupils.

“Well. Maybe we should all get some sleep.” Starlight proposed. ”Tomorrow we’ll se if we can't do something about Ourumov.”

There were the sound of hooves walking into the room.

“Well hello yellow pegasus.” Boris greeted.

“Fluttershy.” Fluttershy corrected gently and smiled.

"Fluttershy. What a cute name." Boris said in his thick russian accent. Fluttershy giggled

"Thank you Boris."

Boris spotted a white pony.

“And hello white... uuuh... ?”

“I’m a unicorn darling. Rarity is my name, nice to meet you. You must be the Russian hacker that iv’e heard so much about.”

“Yes. Boris, Boris Grishenko.” Boris tipped his glasses.

“How is Rainbow Dash?” Starlight asked, turning to Fluttershy.

“Much better. She’s started to awaken the past moon. She’s still groggy though, and sad.”

“I can't imagine why. I don’t want to think about how it must feel for a Pegasus pony, especially someone as proud of her flying as Rainbow Dash to lose a wing.”

“Hard. Very hard. But don’t worry. I’ll take good care of her.” Fluttershy said and smiled.

“I know you’ll do...” Starlight said. She then turned her eyes and studied saddened Pinkie Pie. She smiled and ended. “...We all need to.”

Pinkie Pie had her face looking at the table as she heard the others leave the room. All except one, who's kind voice now spoke to her.

“Hey. Pinkie Pie.”

Pinkie Pie turned to Starlight, who was sitting at a school chair further away.

“Is it the faces again?” Starlight asked with worrying eyes.

“No, it isn’t.” Pinkie Pie looked down at the table again. “I'm just worried that when i come home i might never become myself again.”

There were silence. Starlight smiled. Her eyes became dreamy.

“Hey Pinkie.”

“Yes Starlight.”

“Do you remember what i told you at the Trans Siberian Express?”

Pinkie Pies eyes widened as she remembered what Starlight said.

‘To me you will always be the same happy, kind and funny Pinkie Pie that I've always known, no matter how this turns out.’

Pinkie Pie smiled as she remembered, catching sight of Starlights gazing eyes as she did. But now another question formed inside her head.

“But Starlight. You have killed people to. Don’t you ever see their faces?”

Starlights smile faded slightly. Pinkie Pie looked down at the table again.

“There’s only one face that i see.”

Pinkie Pie felt her chair being pulled against the floor. As she turned her head she found herself being nose to nose with Starlight, her horn glowing fiercely. She kissed Pinkie Pie on the mouth. Pinkie Pie pulled back and whispered.

“But what about the ponies watching in Equestriaaaaaaah...” Pinkie Pie never got to finish. Her voice was caught in a gasp as she suddenly felt Starlights hoof push hard in-between her hind legs. Starlights loving eyes looked directly into Pinkies.

“I...Don’t...Care.” She worded.

Even though Pinkie Pie didn’t have much in common with Starlight she felt every being of her widen at the touch of the pony that reminded her of herself. Her lips against hers, the feeling of her hooves wrapped around her, moving in rhythm within her warm body. She felt a boost of intensity inside that body as she heard her horn sparkle above.

Starlight and Pinkie Pie rose into the air. Starlights opened the window with her unicorn magic, magic powered by passion. She had them both hover out into the cold whilst still being connected mouth to mouth. They hovered outside until finally entering another window.

The window closed behind them, shutting out the cold world, entering one warmed by body touch. They landed in the only bed situated in there.

Back in Equestria Twilight was trotting out of the living room to leave her friends in privacy. Behind her there were boys.

Ash Ketchum, Peter Dinklage, Littlefoot and Pikachu were staring blankly at the TV screen. Pinkie Pie was laying over Starlight and kissed her over the belly. Starlight smiled meanly as her horn lit up. Pinkie Pie opened her mouth and screamed out in pleasure as Starlights magic flowed were no pony had gone before. The eyes of the boys remained wide open. Their mouths opened and screamed out in pain as Twilight used her alicorn magic to drag them of the room by ear.