No Such Thing...

by Dedion

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Slice of Life, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 1486

Most ponies would say that the only "stupid" question was a question left unasked. Well, those ponies have never met my friend, Paper Fold.

My friend, Paper Fold, and I have gotten along pretty well. We've been stuck with each other ever since pre-school and together we've made it through to our Sophmore year of high school. I've known him for so long that I've grown used to his wacky antics. That was until he asked a very... unique... question during lunch.

Published 2017-08-29 04:10:06 UTC
Last updated 2017-08-29 04:10:06 UTC

...As A Stupid Question

It was lunch time. A time that many students yearned for regardless if they enjoyed the cafeteria's food or not. It was here, in this half an hour time-slot, where they could be more of themselves. They could talk about whatever they wanted without the worry of their teacher lashing out at them to do their work. It was also here that they could find a moment of peace from the sound of textbook paper being flipped and the sound of pencils scribbling notes on paper. Lunch time was the best time to enjoy life at school, in my opinion. So, I hurried to find where my friends were sitting so I could enjoy it before returning to class.

I quickly saw the curly black mess that my friend called a mane and quickly maneuvered my way through the incoming herd of hungry ponies. I slide into the booth seat and carefully place my tray on the table with my magic. "Nice entry, but it could be improved. Seven out of ten." the caramel colored pegasus in front of me said. He pushed his curly mane out of his face as he gave me a smile.

"Wow, that's two more points than the last time. I'd say that is an improvement wouldn't you, Paper Fold?" I said with a broad smile. There was a moment of silence at the table before the two of us chuckled a bit.

"Okay, so what's on the menu?" Paper Fold asked. I look down at my tray and began to list off the items.

"In this corner, we have a lovely tomato soup accompanied by a gorgeous grilled cheese sandwich," I said. My stomach growled a bit as I said it. "In the other corner, a pile of broccoli that will only receive a maximum of two bites."

"What is it with you and hating broccoli, dude?"

"What can I say? I just don't like eating these mini green trees plain. If they had some melted cheese to go on top, I would eat them in a blink of an eye." I soon continued to list the items on my tray. There was a green apple, a carton of chocolate milk, and two packs of crackers. I normally used the crackers whenever the lunch ladies made soup, but, since I had a grilled cheese sandwich to work with, I gave them to Paper Fold. "So, what are you having for lunch?" I asked. I dipped the sandwich into the soup before taking a bite.

"One homemade pizza sandwich, a Honey Crisp apple, and two packs of crackers that were generously donated to the Paper Fold Lunch Foundation." he answered.

"You don't have any lunch money?" I asked. He shook his head.

"Not right now. My mother doesn't get paid until this Friday. So I'm gonna have to tough it out for now. Knew I shouldn't have spent all those bits on muffins." he replied. I nodded as we continued with our lunch. Everything was going as they normally did. We talked about the latest events, joked around a bit, and negotiated times for us to play some video games when we got home. I quickly made work of the soup and sandwich. I also kept my promise and took two bites of the broccoli pile before I washed it down with my carton of chocolate milk. Both of us had saved our apples for last. I gripped my apple in my magical aura and brought it to my muzzle to take a bite. I savored the sour taste of the apple's juices before taking another bite.

Paper Fold, on the other hoof, just looked at his apple. He held in his hooves and studied it with great concentration. For a moment, I assumed he was going to reenact a scene from one of Shakespeare's plays, but I was wrong. I was very... very wrong. With a great amount of determination and a look as if he was about to ask the most philosophical question our generation would ever have thought, he asked: "Why don't fruits have penises?"

The world seemed to stop for a moment. Everything in the world was still. No one moved, the air was stagnant, and time itself seemed to have stopped as the question came out of this stallion's mouth. I fumbled for words to say as my brain strained to comprehend the reasoning and logic as to how someone could even come up with such a question and not be stoned off their flank. Then, after what felt like an eternity, I laughed to the top of my lungs. I covered my mouth with my hooves as to not attract too much attention, but the ponies in the booths behind me turned to see what the commotion was about. My laughter soon calmed down to a reasonable level and they returned to what they were during.

I looked at Paper Fold with tears in my eyes and mustered up enough oxygen that was left in my lungs to return his question with another question, "Why?"

"It's a legit question, dude." he protested. A weak smile spread across his face as he chuckled a bit. I laughed even harder as I remembered the scene, fresh as it was, in my head.

"No... it's not," I said through short fits of laughter. "A legit question is: Why is the sky blue? How do I make pierogis? Where do I have to go for the meeting? What you just asked can't even be classified as a question. But, because you're my friend, I'll answer it for you." I straightened my posture and ceased the flames of my laughter. I cleared my throat before I went on to answer Paper Fold's... "question".

"This is why fruits don't have penises," I started, "Imagine, if you will, you're walking into a market and you're looking to buy some apples for a pie you're going to bake. You come upon a fruit stand that has what you're looking for. However, there is a problem. Every single piece fruit has a penis. A tallywacker. A dick. A schlong. A cock. Is that what you what, PF? To come home and cut up an apple dick to bake into a pie. Is that what you what, PF?! An apple dick pie?! Then your family comes home and wonder what's smells so good. "Oh nothing much!" you'll say, "just baking an apple dick pie! Come on, have a slice!" Paper Fold began to cringe under the scenario I had laid out for him.

"And it doesn't stop there," I started again, "here's little Breezy Fields with his lunch box. His friends and fellow classmates are sitting around him at the lunch tables as he opens said lunch box. He pulls out a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Then it's the chips followed a chocolate bar and his water bottle. Finally, he pulls out a banana. But then everyone starts laughing because the banana has come equipped with an overly sized tool. Now he's the butt of everyone's jokes about homosexuality and some ponies begin to shun him because they believe he's gay. He gets depressed about it and cries himself to sleep not knowing that his close friends and parents are totally chill with whom ever he decides to bang as long as they aren't doing illegal activities or have an STD. Then the sun rises and Breezy Fields' parents go to wake him up for school. But they don't find their son asleep in bed. Instead, they find him hanging from the ceiling with a noose around his neck." There was a pause at the table as Paper Fold looked at me with a mix of confusion and shock. I folded my forelegs and stated: "You killed an innocent pony with a banana cock, PF. And you should be ashamed of yourself." I finished.

Before Paper Fold could utter a single word in his defense, the bell sounded that signaled for our lunch wave to return to class. I used my tray and left the table and a stunned Paper Fold behind me. We didn't speak to each other about that "question" for the rest of the day, but I always brought it up in future conversations. I spoke about it with friends, family, and even teacher. Though I made sure to leave out Paper Fold's name when conversing with teachers. Almost every last one of them agreed with me on one thing. For the first time in history, someone had asked a stupid question.

Author's Note

No such thing...
Aka a fanfic loosely based on my real life friend, a question he asked one day, and my reaction to it. I made this thing in about an hour. I have no idea if anyone will like it, but if you did, care to leave a comment?