The Loneliest Pony In The World
There once was a unicorn scientist, very ambitious and unhappy. He was an ethnologist sociologist criminologist biologist psychologist ethologist archaeologist, and boasted a remarkable curriculum. For instance, he founded equopocinosimmetry, a science that studies the similarities between dogs and their pony owner, he discovered an ancient zebra tribe that didn't speak in rimes, he located the chromosome that defined your cutie mark, he invented a self-pulling chariot with four wheels and he found out that Celestia had 12 lovers.
There was not a single science magazine or journal that didn't feature him.
But, sadly, it wasn't enough for him to win the prize he was hoping for, the SuperStarswirl, or S.S. for short, the most longed scientific prize of all.
So, he decided to do something unique: something that only he could plan, experiment and translate into theory.
He would discover the loneliest pony in the world.
Therefore, after having long documented and prepared, he departed on his journey.
He went to a small village in the mountains, abandoned by everypony after an earthquake caused by Tirek. Here lived from timeless years a 102 years old pony that refused to leave his home.
With satisfaction, he climbed for hours and hours the mountain, since the road was no longer usable, until finally, between collapsed and destroyed buildings, he saw the small pink house belonging to the old pony. He was, as usual, alone preparing a frugal herbs-based meal.
"Dear sir" said the scientist "I believe you are very alone, and hasn't seen anypony in a long time."
"Eh, it appears so."
"Since when? Can you remember?"
The old pony closed his eyes in a web of wrinkles. "Well, Equestria News arrived last Hearths Warming. Yes, before the griffin journalist and The Daily Throttle. But I'm old and I don't remember very well. But if you want you can check my book, Alone on the Mountain. There you can find all the interviews about my loneliness I did in the last 10 years."
"Princess Celestia son of a horse!" said the scientist, and left angrily.
He took an air balloon to a remote island where, according to everypony, lived a shepherd, the only one able to survive in that desolated land.
He found him in a musty sheepfold, between sheep, dogs and porn magazines.
"You, shepherd," he asked "have lived in this place for a long time?"
"A looong time."
"And you like it?"
"Not very much. But don't worry, this is just the reception, it's for the folklore. The rest of the farm holiday it's much better, we have showers and fridges in every room. Would you like some baked pie for today's dinner?"
"Princess Luna son of a horse!" said the scientist.
Without being discouraged, he traveled to the center of the jungle. Here, as it resulted from his studies, lived a native pony of the Smiths tribe, the lone survivor of an ethnicity destroyed by deforestation, pollution and greed of the FlimFlam Industries, one of the most powerful in the world.
After an exhausting journey, making his way with a machete, he finally arrived at the native's hut.
"Let's get things straight right away: are you alone here?"
"Absolutely."
"Your tribe was exterminated and you are the last one remaining?"
"Unfortunately yes, I am."
"Perfect! Do you mind if I take some pictures?"
"Not at all, go ahead."
But at the camera's flash, at least a dozen other Smiths, big and small, came out running everywhere.
"Who are those ponies!?"
"Please" said the Smith crying "don't tell anyone that you saw us. Since I'm the last of my tribe I'm protected by the law. But if they discover that there are still many of us they'll start cutting our trees and poisoning our water again! We faked being extinct to don't really go extinct!"
"Princess Cadence son of a horse!" said the scientist.
He changed continent and went to Yakyakistan on the sacred mountains of Kulun, were lived a yak called the Lone Light.
He climbed the mountain up to the Monastery of a Thousand Candles, were the yak monks, the most peaceful beings on the planet, lived and meditated. Here the monk guardian showed him the rock spur where lived the wise Dalai Yaka, the Lone Light. It was accessible only with a straw basket, suspended by a rope stretched over a 2000-meter-long slope.
"Master Dalai Yaka lives there alone?"
"Very much alone. We pass him supplies once a week, with the basket."
"Can I see him?"
"Absolutely not! The Lone Light needs to meditate in complete silence, tranquility and-"
"I can pay 5000 bits."
"Well" said the monk guardian "in that case... Come on, get in the basket."
The scientist descended swirling in the frost and the wind above the abyss, until he arrived on the spur where the Lone Light lived, in a tiny temple dug into the rocky wall near the cliff.
He entered. The Lone Light was meditating on a silk red carpet, surrounded by thousands of burning candle ends.
"Oh wise Dalai Yaka," said the scientist with respect "are you alone?'"
"The wise man is always alone" replied the monk.
"Of course. But I mean, you don't see anyone from a lot of time right?"
"It's quite difficult to get here, as you saw beforehoof yourself..."
"I think I just found what I was looking for. Can I take a picture?"
"But of course. After the meditation lesson."
"Lesson?"
A door in the back of the small temple opened and immediately entered six pony hippies, a repented former manager, a very aged Gladmare and one of the princesses herself.
"And what are those ponies doing here?" asked the scientist quite surprised.
"You think you're the only one able to spend 5000 bits?"
"Princess Twilight son of a horse!" said the scientist. Unfortunately for him said princess was the one attending the lesson. Yikes.
One transformation spell and an impervious journey back later, he arrived near the island of Fardeal, called "The Island of Storms". Here, in the middle of a cold and unforgiving sea, kept watch the most isolated lighthouse of the world. Who could be more lonely than his guardian? He tried to get there by boat, but it crashed against the rocks. The scientist fought against the waves and streams until exhausted he came to shore. He walked to the top of the cliff, where he found the door to the lighthouse and a sign saying:
Dear shipwreck. This lighthouse is highly automated and it's controlled remotely. In case of malfunction call the 32444423 of Farshore, Lonely Lighthouse Headquarters, and one of our ships will come to repair it in a week.
"Princess Flurry Heart son of a hoooooooorse!" screamed the scientist to the roaring wind.
After a week of mussels and diarrhea, he was recovered and brought home. But he didn't give up. He had his trump card, his last resort.
He knew that one of his University colleagues, the shy doctor Windswift, was on an old arctic base from almost 20 years, for a research on polar bears mating dances. Suddenly the funds ended and he was left there, continuing his research on his own. Every year they exchanged Hoofs Warming wishes, so he knew that for 20 years arrived in that forsaken place.
After many weeks on a sledge, he finally arrived to a shed in the middle a sea of ice.
Needless to say, Windshift hugged him mercilessly, nearly crying.
"My old colleague" he said between sobs "it's so good to see you!"
"Because you've been very alone, right?"
"Incredibly, continuously and terribly alone, twenty years of lone and lonely solitude, nopony in the entire world has been more alone than me."
"Fantastic" said the scientist with a big grin "can I record your story and take you a picture?"
"Of course, my old friend!"
But in that very moment the door to the shed opened and from the swollen snow appeared a gigantic silhouette in a thermal suit. A muscled, handsome minotaur took his place as soon as he removed the suit, blue eyes and a brilliant smile.
"Dear colleague, I present you doctor Meat Spearachov. He arrived just a week ago, he works two miles from her in a lab that search for petrol under the ice. You simply cannot imagine how much company we keep each other!"
"Can I use your shower?" asked the minotaur with a strange northern accent.
"Go ahead Meaty" replied Windshift, and once he left, he explained to the scientist "You see my friend, he's an excellent scientist... and he's also so handsome and young and... well, I can't hide it, he's gay just like me!"
"Ah" said the scientist.
"You just can't understand how happy I am!" said doctor Windshif as he joined the minotaur hugging and kissing him.
"Whole bucking ponykind son of a horse!" stated the scientist, before returning home full of sorrow.
The scientist returned home, after many months. No one greeted him, he lived alone.
He emptied the mailbox: just bills, nobody had written to him.
In his fridge there wasn't even a piece of cheese, just stale bread. Everything was full of webs.
He sat on his sofa, ate sandwich full of webs and suddenly he had a flash of inspiration: "But of course! My research wasn't in vain! I just verified and extraordinary thing! Nopony is alone! No matter how far and lonely and distant, no one can be truly alone. So, it results that the loneliest pony on the world doesn't exist. It's a fantastic scientific discovery!"
This revelation put him in a state of cheerful agitation.
He thought about writing to some colleagues, but he didn't trust them.
He thought about writing to a friend, but he didn't have any.
And relatives neither. As for his neighbors, he didn't even know who they were.
'Just my luck' he told to himself, 'I discovered that the loneliest pony in the world doesn't exist and I have nopony to tell.' So he scribbled down some notes and went to bed.
Alone.
Author's Note
Hi gals and girls and gays and trans! Hope you liked this story. Be sure to leave a comment with your thoughts about it and maybe since you're already here live a like and follow me.
