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               Case File: Listless Paramour                
                         -by CGen-                         
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            Prologue: Single pony awareness day            
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Prologue: Single pony awareness day
Waking up in the morning is just another part of the daily grind. Sometimes it’s a tiny fire alarm blasting in your ear, or way too many bright rays of sunshine blinding you through your eyelids, or if you’re lucky, your body will be used to the schedule and wake itself just before everything else happens.
I wish, for once in my life, I could have been so lucky.
The last dregs of a pleasant dream involving onion bagels and beer were cruelly ripped from my subconscious by the same pair of hooves currently trying to cruelly rip me from my bed.
“Hardy. Get. Up…!” Taxi’s voice strained through gritted teeth. It was a tug of war between the mattress and my best friend, with me as the rope. She was winning. “You can’t spend all day sleeping! We’ve got stuff to do!”
“Yeff. I. Kamf!” My words came muffled through the pillow as I was dragged across the concrete floor, worn smooth after who knows how much use. Not the worst surface I’ve had the displeasure of being dragged across.
A shag carpet tickled my belly for a moment before my orientation shifted. Half my body was propped up on a chair with my chin thumped against something hard. A jab in my side allowed Taxi to pry my white comfort from my suddenly numb forelegs.
“Bleh. Next time, one of you gets to wake him up.” She spat, the pillow falling onto the floor with a sad poof.
The smell of what had once been warm waffles appeared before my nose, right next to some lukewarm coffee.
“Why do we have to get up so early? There's nothing special on today.” I grumbled, cracking my eyes open. I flopped my foreleg up and took the mug, taking a sip to wash down a night’s worth of bad breath. The black liquid left a lingering bitterness on my tongue before the caffeine started to hit.
“Actually Hardy, it's slightly past noon. You've been sleeping in.” Limerence intoned neutrally. “And you missed breakfast.”
“This is the part where you tell me there is something going on today, isn’t it?” I groaned.
Swift’s voice came in from the left. At least I thought so, I hadn’t even moved my head from the countertop. “Today is Hearts and Hooves day Sir! Remember? I’m so excited!” I didn’t need to look to know she was wearing the same kind of smile Slip Stitch usually wears, when he’s writing autopsy reports with vocabulary like: “confetti shrapnel” and “custard incineration”.
“And I need to be awake for this because…?” Glancing out of the corner of my eye I gave my bouncing partner the most sardonic eyebrow I could muster. Now, I don’t hold it against her for keeping the holiday in high regard, especially considering her...family’s...line of work, but the day of overpriced sweets and sappy romance gestures was never really my thing.
“Because Swiftie here is going to help out at the Vivarium today. You said you’d consider going with her last night, even though you clearly don’t remember saying it. I’m going too, and there’s no way in Tartarus I’m leaving you alone unsupervised.” Taxi rapped her hoof against my forehead.
I narrowed my brows up at the shallow dent she left behind, taking a second to consider the best strategy to get out of this. Glancing at each of my companions, there was first one important detail that needed to be confirmed.
“Did I really sa—”
A trio of yes-es and one ‘Sir’ came back before I could even finish. Another second passed. I propped myself up on the counter, and took a mouthful of waffle, savouring the hint of vanilla before drowning it with more coffee. A counter-argument began to form in my mind.
I swallowed. Hunger drove me to keep eating as my mind focused on more important things. Sweet Shine was never the sappy romance type, but she’s got a heart of...well, it’s not gold...bronze, maybe? Not iron, at least. Anyway, she has to have a reason to go with Swift, and knowing both of them neither would want me to spend all day doing nothing so…
“I won’t be alone, wha—”
“Limerence is coming too.” Taxi cut me off. “And before you say it, there’s no more food left in here, so you’ll starve if you don’t go.”
“A pony can go half a day without food.” I raised my hoof to interject, momentarily patting my chest. I’d neglected to plug myself in last night, but I still had enough of a charge left in me to last a while. Nothing some quality time with a socket couldn’t fix. “Besides—”
“The Aroyos are gonna do some tweaking with the power grid in this area pretty soon.” Swift piped in, grinning. “Tourniquet told me she’ll disable the lines to let them work. I don’t know how long they’ll take.”
I grunted and folded my forelegs, flicking my eyes towards the unicorn of the group, who was casually pretending to inspect his pocket watch. “Guessing you’ve got a reason why I should go too?”
“No input will be required from me on this, detective.” A smirk graced Limerence’s sky blue features. “We both know how this is going to end. Shall I get your coat?”
Sighing, I waved him off and buried my muzzle into the final waffle, taking my time and downing my coffee as slowly as I could. It was nice having that quiet peace for a few minutes, but like it or not the breakfast was waking me up. Though that one was probably Gale’s doing.
All good things have to end sometime. Goodbye, bed. I’ll miss you.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
The Night Trotter’s roaring shriek faded into the background when Taxi turned on the radio. The opening chords of some pop song about stalking mares in nightclubs came screaming out, and I immediately began ignoring it in favour of a more important question on my mind.
“Okay, can somepony tell me what's so special about Hearts and Hooves day now?” I turned around to face Swift and Limerence in the backseat. “Kid, seeing those chompers of yours on a grin like Taxi’s isn't gonna help my nightmares.”
The pegasus quickly closed her lips, but still smiled wide. “Sorry! I'm just so excited! H&H is a pretty special occasion for the Vivarium, Stella closes half the place for the day and throws a huuge party for everyone working there, and they get to bring guests. Most don't really have anyone else to bring but some take their special someponies, families, kids…”
“Wait, what?” I held up a hoof. “Ponies bring their foals to the largest brothel in the city...for 'bring your foal to work’ day? Who would—” I cut myself off when I remembered exactly who I was talking to.
“Uh, right, nevermind. Keep going.” I urged.
The orange fluffball in the back huffed. “I'll have you know, Sir, that the Vivarium is never inappropriate on H&H day...except for the year after Scarlet and I hit puberty. And even then, it's actually very appropriate when you think about it.” She gave a final nod. “Ever since mom stopped working there to raise me, Gran's been the one to invite us.”
“Guess that makes it 'family day’ for the Cuddles’ then.” I tried to think of Stella running a daycare, with the Stilettos for babysitters, and imagined something that was the perfect explanation for Swift’s fascination with guns.  
I turned to the side and nudged the driver, one hoof on the wheel while the other was lazily resting on the window. “Taxi? After Glow invite you there too?”
“Stella did, actually. After all I've done to help out he insisted I'd be treated as nothing less than part of the family.” A lecherous grin broke out on her lips as she waggles her brows. “And there's plenty of other things going on too. The Vivarium may never be inappropriate on Hearts and Hooves, but I'm an adult.”
Which for Taxi meant adult-appropriate activities. Likely involving one or more minotaurs, zebras, and/or griffins. Hopefully with soundproofing.
“Limerence! What about you?” I called out to the unicorn. Unlike Taxi, I had no desire to know every detail of my best friend's sexual misadventures, not even if they involved fresh-baked bagels, unlimited beer, and all the cream cheese I could handle. They'd probably all be on her anyways.
“You mean 'why am I going to the Vivarium, instead of spending it in a library, alone’? Simple..” He shrugged. “The rest of you are going there too. That, and they've got a library I haven't fully explored yet. A good Archivist leaves no knowledge unaccounted for.”
“I'm not so sure the Vivarium even has anything you don't already know about, unless you mean the—ooooh.” Swift put her hooves over her mouth, covering a grin. Limerence's eyes widened in realisation at the implication and frantically shook his head.
“Didn't know you were into that kind of reading material Limmy.” Taxi turned to give him a conspiratorial wink, lazily resting a leg on the wheel to keep the Night Trotter steady. Limerence’s face grew imperceptibly redder with each sentence. “Why not ask one of the staff there for a practical lesson? I'm sure some of the mares might do it for free. Definitely some of the stallions too, if you're into that. I mean, I used to think Hardy here was only into mares, with maybe one exception, but after Scarlet I'm starting to think—”
“Eyes on the road Sweets!” I yelled, frantically tapping her shoulder and pointing ahead.
“Oh lighten up Hardy, I—woah!” Taxi turned just in time to swerve around an old mare crossing the road, also bouncing my head off the window. Taxi gave me one of her trademark smug smiles as I rubbed the growing bruise on my scalp. Just one more for the collection. “See? All under control. As I was saying, Hearts and Hooves day is about love, and what better way for Limerence to experience all the different kinds than—”
“Miss Taxi, please!” Limerence blurted out, with a blush I've only seen once before involving a sex cult supply locker and enough Ace to drug a dragon. “I am not visiting the Vivarium just to peruse their collection of literary erotica, I assure you. I—
“Just?”
Limerence pursed his lips and narrowed his eyes in a squint, promptly burying his face into his hoof. The hoof muffled the scream that came next. Not the usual result of a Taxi interaction; she was going easy on him today.
I cut in there to save Limerence further embarrassment. “Yeah, yeah, okay. So everypony here has a reason to go to the Vivarium today. So!” I clapped my hooves. “Why am I going, specifically? And don't say ‘to keep an eye on you’. I'm not a colt anymore.” Folding my hooves I gave a pointed look at a certain foalhood friend of mine.
A glimmer out of the corner of Taxi’s eye told me she understood exactly what I meant. She chuckled.
“‘Anymore?’ I didn't notice. Sorry Hardy, Juniper was the one who had the talent for finding the truth, not you. I hope.” She paused, glancing at me out of the corner of her eye. “Don't worry though, it's for a good cause, you can trust me on that. Your butt isn't itching right now, is it? So you've got nothing to worry about, ain’t that right Junior?” Taxi cooed as she ruffled my hat around my head like she did the gear shift.
I growled and readjusted my hat with a hoof, turning around in my seat to communicate in that special way all detective partners have that she’d better give me something more substantial.
“Kid…”
Swift’s muzzle scrunched up. “Really sorry, Sir! I can’t say much, I promised. All I can tell you is, uh...my parents will be there?” She glanced at Taxi, who didn’t turn from her driver’s seat.
Frowning, I shifted a little in the seat, feeling the mat of beads roll against my flanks. And as she usually was, Taxi was right. Far as my Talent could tell, dragging me here against my will on threat of death by starvation wasn't unjustified...somehow. Taxi wasn’t the type to do things for no reason, even if she did a piss poor job of explaining herself.
“Didn’t think I’d see you act motherly to me until the world started ending.”
“Well too bad for you that already happened, huh? Anyway, you might wanna hold onto something.”
“Wha—” Twice that morning/afternoon/whenever my head played pinball with the Night Trotter’s interior. I swore.
“We’re here.”
“Jeez! Whatever happened to a gentle stop!?” For all the dying and reviving I’d went through...being hit on the head still bucking hurt.
“Not a foal anymore, he says!” Taxi laughed.
“You forget to use your seatbelt again, Sir?”  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Swift led the way into the Vivarium, more familiar with the place during its festival of love (and lovemaking) than any of us were. The building itself was unchanged, but Stella’s staff made the place look almost like an entirely different building.
The main public areas were redecorated and rearranged with so much pink and red I'd thought I suddenly stepped back in time to my High School prom night. Balloons, ribbons, the only thing I recognized were the crowds of dancing ponies. This was not the Vivarium I remembered. My partner, however, navigated the mess with ease, until she turned just in time to be pounced on by a pink ninja wielding a bow.
“Ehehehe! S-Scarlet! Stop!” Swift blurted out between giggles. At the mention of the name I relaxed a muscle I didn't even know was tense. Scarlet Petals seemed to have the uncanny ability to appear whenever we came over. Usually to greet his best friend...but I've had my own fair share of wine coated stallion to fend off at times. At this point, it was not about if, but when.
“It’s Hearts and Hooves day and you think I wouldn't be there to welcome you?” The stallion's smooth voice chirped, easing his assault on my partner's sides. He helped her up with a hug, pecked her cheek and nuzzled her in a way that would have raised some questions on their relationship if other ponies were present.
But that was just Scarlet being Scarlet. He turned around like nothing happened and bowed, left forehoof held across his chest. The costume he was wearing squeaked a little as he did so.
“And a good day to you too, Miss Taxi, Mr Limerence, Mr Boiled. Welcome to the Vivarium.”
“Of course I knew!” Swift raised a hoof to her chest in mock disdain, than showing a grin that let the tips of her teeth glint in the light. I thought I saw a faint electric glimmer behind her eyes.
“Tourniquet told me you were coming. Nice costume, though! Looks like something from the Power Ponies.”
“Pfft! That's cheating. Just because your little friend can let you see everything doesn't mean you have to.” The stallion pouted. “And thanks. We all agreed that having a character more popular to younger families attending this year would be better. So for today, I'm dressed as Heartshot, Love's arrow, at your service!” He flourished a bow and struck a pose that showed off a little too much of his behind to be the kind he did in front of the foals...I hope.
“And so you chose to look like Princess Cadence in a skintight catsuit?” Taxi’s eyes trailed over his outfit, taking in the details with an amused smile. “Hm. Doesn't look like a regular superhero costume...you sure this isn't just your work uniform?” She pointed a hoof at the zipper trailing along his underbelly.
“I...had to borrow a few things to make this outfit.” Scarlet shrugged. The ‘suit’ he was wearing wouldn’t have looked out of place in a regular workday at the Vivarium, if not for the plates of pink ‘armour’ covering his back, neck, and upper legs. A quiver of heart-shaped arrows was slung across his barrel, along with a matching half-mask on his forehead.
“I don't remember reading about any Power Pony looking like that, Sir.” Swift murmured from my right.
“Me neither.” I whispered back, scratching the back of my head like it would restore some lost memory. The Power Ponies are a staple of any foalhood, but even at the height of my collection there wasn't anything about what Scarlet was dressed up as. “Looks like he's from a special issue or something. I dunno, a Princess Cadence impersonation?”
“Heartshot appeared in Power Ponies special issue number 138.” Limerence chimed in. “It was a one-off issue that had an alter ego of the Princess of Love herself square off against a tyrant king and his Wendigo army. She ends up getting captured and it ends in a cliffhanger where she’s left at the mercy of a white goo monster while wearing a set of metal swimwear that suppresses her abilities. The whole thing actually taking place in the king's bedchambers and—”
“I get it!” I threw up a hoof to interrupt the unicorn. “There are foals here, remember?”
Limerence rolled his eyes, replying with annoyance.
“The foals are hardly within earshot, Detective, it's nothing you haven’t heard before. Unless you were referring to yourself.”
“And speaking of foals!” Scarlet jovially slipped his foreleg around Swift’s neck and pointed down one of the halls. “I remember somepony volunteering to help me foalsit for the afternoon. They’ve been waiting for quite a while, you know.”
“Aw, right now?” Swift glanced around the room. “I just got here, and I haven’t even checked in with Granny yet, or seen my parents, or…”
“They’re all already helping out too. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure word gets out.” The stallion leaned in with a grin. “The ball pit’s ready too.”
Swift’s eyes lit up as her wings stretched out halfway. She pursed her lips and fidgeted indecisively before slowly nodding.
“Okay. Well if you’re sure you’ll tell them I’m here, then...”
I arched my brow at her body language. A pegasus doesn’t hold out their wings like that just to stretch.
“Seeyouguyslaterbye!”
With a sudden gust of air that sent our manes flapping and my hat off my head, my partner was gone, her voice echoing down the hall.
Scarlet chuckled, and that started a reaction in the rest of us as well. Swift was like a little filly again, and that was much more comforting than I expected.
“And another thing, Hardy...” Scarlet bent over and put my hat back in its rightful spot, taking the chance to lean in and deliver a surprisingly chaste—by his standards—kiss on my lips. He pulled away with a smile. He still tasted like frosting.
“Happy Hearts and Hooves day, Hardy. I got you something special. So cheer up, you look like After Glow when she loses a round of bingo.” Scarlet giggled.
He gave me a wink and turned after Swift, his hips swaying as he moved down the hall. A second later and I turned back to Taxi and Limerence, wiping a hoof across my mouth. It came away pink.
“Something special? What did he mean by that?” I asked, ignoring the flash from Taxi’s camera.
“He wants to have sex with you?” She shrugged. “Most ponies would be happy enough not to be alone on Hearts and Hooves day.”
“Well that was certainly a warm welcome. But I believe it's time we went our separate ways for now?” Limerence interjected. He was inching away now, and I would have missed him entirely if I didn't turn to look.
“And leave me alone? I thought you brought me here for a reason.” Taxi tutted and shook her head, slipping her leg around my neck.
“Hardy Hardy Hardy. You won't be alone. Get a drink at the bar! Enjoy the festivities! We've got enough goodwill here for a few free drinks.” The mare nodded down one of the many paths branching out deeper into the Vivarium. “I just gotta pay someone a visit first, and I'll come find you after. Besides, this is the first time in a while that you've come here without danger of being eviscerated by one of Swift's relatives or some other world ending force. Enjoy it.”
She patted me on the back and went off with a laugh, leaving me alone with Lim—
Oh.
Limerence was already gone.
“Normally, I'm glad to head to the bar…” I muttered. The detective's instinct of walking into something was deep in my gut.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Holiday or no, the Vivarium was the Vivarium, and the part that needed a minimum age to get into was very much still in business.
Some things never change.
Nightclubs were never my thing. Too noisy, bad music that sounded like other bad music, and enough flashing lights to induce a seizure if you weren't ready. Today, the main hall of the Vivarium defied expectations.
The place was decorated with deep pink, white, and purple banners, and heart shaped balloons were tied around the pillars. It looked like a high school prom night. Pairs of couples I would never have thought could be physically compatible on a dancefloor literally took center stage as the DJ played out a mild tango piece.
There was less of a crowd than I expected for a day like this, but it felt like business as usual.
Finding the bar was practically habit for me in places like these. Call it part of a detective’s instincts. It was understandably empty for this time of day, but that never stopped me before. A detective on a barstool before 5pm is a much more common occurrence than most ponies would think.
“Detective? I take it you're here for a drink?”
“Yeah, give me a...Suture?! What are you doing here?” I couldn’t help but make my surprise obvious when I saw Swift's dad was tending the bar, his white doctor’s coat and stethoscope standing out greatly against his emerald coat.
“Well, After Glow is my mother-in-law and with Quickie being an ex-employee…”
“No, no. Not Hearts and Hooves day,” I shook my head. “I meant what are you doing behind the bar? And in uniform…?”
“Oh.” The Pegasus cocked his head just like his daughter does, I noticed. “The usual bartender was having a lack of orders, and took a break, so I stepped up.” He motioned towards the crowd. “It seems that the kinds of alcohol one finds in a bar and the kind in a hospital aren't so different. Except bars have longer instructions.”
Suture pulled out a bottle from under the bar and pointed behind me.
“The rest of the answer to that question, and your second one, is coming back right now.”
I swiveled around just in time to catch sight of Quickie Cuddles trotting her way back balancing a tray of empty glasses on her back, pink mane neatly trimmed and tied back...wearing a nurse outfit.
A very short, revealing nurse outfit.
I found myself leaning away slightly as she came up to the bar. One of the last times I was in the vicinity of the unicorn, she wasn’t very much in the mood to talk. More of a “you touched my daughter so I’m coming to kill you” kind of mood. She seemed focused on her husband for the moment, so I decided it would be wiser to keep my mouth shut unless she spoke to me first.
“The party is picking up, and so are the drink orders.” She greeted him with a seductive wink and hug I never wished to see coming from a mare old enough to be my mother, even if she was little bigger than Swift. “...I told you I could still do it.”
“Soliciting drink orders using sexual charm does not count when the clientele either already knows you, knows of you, or knows of your mother.” Suture drily replied, taking the little slip of paper Quickie put on the counter.
“I don’t recall that stopping you when we first met.” She chuckled before turning to me. “Detective. A pleasure to see you here.”
The mare embraced me in a hug that had me awkwardly bending forward to account for the height difference. It hurt a little, but a little backache from a unicorn that could cause tremors with her hooves was hardly the worst that could happen.
“It's...nice to see you too, missus Cuddles.” I returned the hug, but the fear didn't help with not making my hooves flop around, even with Gale’s help. The first time I met the Cuddles family they were much more...reserved. Then again, they had also recently found out their daughter’s partial transformation into a carnivorous killing machine and had to receive the news of the results of her first weeks of work and all the near and actual-death experiences it included.
“Oh, relax! Scarlet explained everything. I'm not going to kill you.” Quickie flashed me the kind of smile only a mother could give, before becoming darker in the way only a mother could do. “Which is more than I can say for that Iris Jade mare…”
“Good to hear.” I nodded, eager to change the subject. The less I talked about the topic the less likely my heart would end up needing a restart. “I have to say, its a real surprise to see both of you handling the drinks. I thought you two would be enjoying the celebration. No offence, but I didn't know you were so...”
“Outgoing?” Quickie finished my sentence for me. “The Vivarium was my home—no, is my home, even if I don't live here anymore. You could just say that back here, I’m in my element.” She leaned onto the bar, placed her hooves over her husband's, and growled. The blush she elicited from him turned whatever subtext there was into a full length billboard saying ‘We're gonna do it later when no one's looking’. I was almost thankful when she started talking about me again.
“Ahem, yes, well.” Suture coughed and glanced at me, clearly embarrassed. “Not out in public, Quickie.” He whispered.
Sometimes I wondered if my own parents ever got wild whenever I wasn’t home. I quickly discarded that imagery.
“The Vivarium is hardly what I would call ‘public’, dear.” The unicorn mare took a seat as her husband passed the dirty glasses behind the bar with a wing. “So, Hard Boiled, since you’re here I guess my Little Bird is too. Though I notice she isn’t with you right now...or any of your other friends either.”
“Swift is doing well.” I pointed a hoof back to where I last saw her. “She was really excited to get here, flew off to her foalsitting thing with Scarlet first thing before even saying hello to everyone. Limerence disappeared to look for some book that may or may not be smut, and Taxi is off doing her own business which she hardly ever tells me about.”
“Hearts and Hooves was always one of Swift’s favourite holidays, I take it she hasn’t even said hello to her own family yet because Scarlet told her about the ball pit.” Suture called over his shoulder as he took out a few more bottles and began mixing. I could hear the smile on his voice.
“What about you, detective?” Quickie asked.
“Me?” I pointed a hoof to myself, shrugging. “I’m here because Taxi didn’t feel like leaving me behind all alone with some power grid works scheduled for later in the day. Frankly I’ve never really been into the whole Hearts and Hooves thing. My last date was years ago, and being a police detective needs time and commitment a special somepony would just be competing with. I don’t really have much reason to be here otherwise.”
“Oh? Not even for Scarlet? He told me he had a surprise waiting for you, and he doesn't plan gifts like this for ponies he doesn't appreciate.”
“Is he pregnant now, too?” Suture chimed in, and was promptly ignored by his wife. But it was enough to get a small laugh from me.
“Scarlet and I...aren’t exactly like that.” The memory of the younger stallion’s sweet kiss was still fresh, followed by a tinge of...guilt? Call me sentimental, but I couldn’t help but feel a little affection for a pony willing to show so much love even to a stallion like me, it would be just unfair otherwise. “He doesn’t do to me anything I haven’t seen him do to Swift, but I know he likes me for something more than just infatuation. Even if I don't know what it is. It's just that...”
“You’re not planning on leading him on, are you?” Quickie’s voice went flat and her eyebrows narrowed, which meant a mood shift was imminent. If I had a drink I’d have spit it out, but for now choking on my own spit would have to do. I'm sure some other stallion would've loved to have a lower-middle aged nurse stare them down, but not me. “I'll have you know that Scarlet Petals has been Swift’s best friend ever since she was a filly, and we treat him as if he were our own. If you’ve done anything to hurt him—”
“The detective isn't the type, Quickie. Our Swift would hardly have stuck with him otherwise.” Suture reassures as he put down a new tray of drinks on the bar. “No need to break out the hoofcuffs just yet.”
“No hoofcuffs for me, thank you!” I blurted. This conversation was becoming something much more than I wanted to handle right now, so turned to the Pegasus. “Could I just have that drink now?”
“A beer, detective?” When I nodded, the other stallion promptly placed a bottle on the table. “No need to worry about paying, serpent's orders. I also recall saying I'd buy you a drink, if you don't mind discussing the details of that transplant heart of yours.”
Giving the bartending doctor my thanks, I took a deep swig and let the cool booze flow down my throat. I had just opened my mouth to answer when Quickie interrupted me.
“I'm sorry, dear, but I must interrupt. Did you mention that you hadn't had a date in years, detective? Not even that Taxi mare?” But of course, the ex-escort would be concerned about my (lack of) love life. I guess I should just be glad that sea serpent doesn't know or else I'd never— “Stella will be coming to give a speech soon, right when our shift ends. You're coming.” She ordered.
Most of me cursed whatever magic that dictated that whatever I said or thought would become true for maximum irony. The rest of me sniggered at Quickie Cuddles’ use of the word “coming”. Or maybe that was just the literal foal in me.
Author's Note
It's late, but here it finally is. I can't say I'll be able to work on it as much as I'd like to, Starlight will likely finish long before this does, but I had an agreement with myself months ago, and I'll put down my idea to words eventually...no matter how long it takes. It'll be done when it's done.
As last time, feel free to comment and criticize. I'll certainly look back and change things as needed if continuity errors pop out from the main story.

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                  Chapter 1: Crimson Day                   
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Chapter 1: Crimson Day
When evil lurks the streets of Detrot, few but the brave officers of the DPD dare stand in it’s way. Here, two stallions lurk in the shadows, eating bagels and drinking beer uncovering the truth, cuddling in their sleep judging the guilty. and playing pranks on Iris Jade Those two are: Hardy and Juni Hard Boiled and Juniper Shores! Truth, and Justice! Shouldn’t it be Justice and Truth shut up Taxi Crime can never rest as long as they’re on the case!
~ Excerpt from Swift’s notebook, two other styles of mouth writing fill the margins
My more recent meetings with Stella were something I had started to get used to. Pleasant even, relative to how our first meeting went. Walking out of his chambers though, right after he was finished giving a public speech about the Vivarium’s commitment to “love in all its forms” and yadda yadda, I only really had one thing to say.
“Did that just happen?” I asked myself, and Scarlet too, I suppose. Since he was waiting for me right by the door. “Did that sea serpent just lecture me about the importance of romance and companionship, in a teacher’s outfit?”
Seeing the Dragon of Drag himself in a skirt and blouse, with a wig tied up in a bun and glasses seemed too ironically fitting for what had happened. That, and the choice of outfit reminded me a little too much of a teacher back in my Academy days, forever ruining the memory of that nice set of flanks.
“Mistress Stella has a wide wardrobe for any occasion.” The wine coated stallion stifled a snort. I don’t know how much he had heard or seen, but I’m sure he found it amusing nonetheless. He waved me down the halls. “Now come on, Swift and the others are waiting for you.”
“Has it been that long?” I only just noticed that Scarlet had taken his costume off, though the makeup still remained. It looked better on him than the jumpsuit did. “...you’re not wearing that costume anymore.”
“If you wanted me to, I could always put it on when I show you your surprise later…” Scarlet leaned in as we walked, nuzzling up under my chin and batting his curled eyelashes at me. I shook my head and sighed, but the tiny hint of a smile graced my lips.
“And what's so special about this surprise you're giving me?” Most other ponies would've become flustered at a, frankly quite attractive, stallion brushing up against them like that. If Scarlet was put off by my lack of a reaction he didn't show it.
“It isn't much, but you'll like it Hardy! I hope.” The stallion's smile was hopeful, and one that didn't rely on me defying odds and cheating death, for once.
Just gotta make one of the sweetest souls I'd ever met with a huge crush on me happy. No pressure.
Scarlet led me back out to the bar, where Limerence, Taxi, and Swift's parents were waiting for me.
“Where’s my partner?” I asked as I took the closest stool, glancing at the drinks each of my friends had nursed. The hall seemed to have emptied out since Stella’s speech, but knowing the Vivarium it probably just moved elsewhere for the moment.
“Shwift’ll be...be here in a min’.” Taxi slurred in a way I knew marked the beginning of me probably finding her the next morning in the aftermath of some huge Hearts and Hooves day orgy. She took another swig of her black and yellow striped drink, sinking into the seat. “Ahhh...needed that.”
I cocked my head and looked at the glasses. Each one held a mixture of liquids that uniquely resembled their drinkers. Sweet Shine had that black and yellow mix that looked like paint, while Limerence was casually sipping something a clear light blue.
“She’s drinking one of the new house specials: a Cabbie.” Limerence answered my silent question. “Several spirits are blended into a banana creme, lined with licorice syrup, topped with more whipped cream and a splash of the same vintage used in the DFW’s flamethrowers.” As if to demonstrate this point, the mare let out a belch that produced a fireball.
“...eh, first one was bigger.”
Limerence ignored Taxi’s pyrotechnic display and lifted up his own tall glass. “Mine s called a Librarian; several wines, including a Zebrican port, are mixed and diluted with tea and served in a sugar rimmed glass. The cocktail is surprisingly light on the palate.”
“Never knew you were a drinker, Lim.” I turned to Suture, who spread his wings in a shrug.
“Don’t look at me, detective, I just followed the recipe.”
“Shome otfer pony with a talent for mixin’ stuff made drinks of us.” Taxi slid over a beer mug towards me. “Thish one’s yours.”
It was grey. A dirty, pallid grey with tiny bubbles still foaming up. A tiny bagel sat at the bottom, and an island of cream cheese floated alone on that grey pond. It smelled like beer. I took a sip, and almost retched immediately. It tasted of despair.
“That one's called the Crusader. A, frankly, abhorrent concoction of 6 different types of beer, garnished with a bagel and cream cheese.” Suture explained.
“...and this is popular?” Beer is beer, but this drink was something I’d have expected to find in a place reputed for selling watered down piss, not the most reputed underground hive of sex and hedonism. “It tastes like somepony tried to put every bad thing I experienced in the last few months into a glass, and topped it off with one of my favourite things in the worst way possible.”
“Hardly.” Suture snorted. “A few types don’t mind the taste, but this is almost always ordered in a pair with some other cocktail. Apparently drinking a Crusader with something else makes it much more palatable, surprisingly.”
“And what drinks would those be?”
“Most commonly a Crimson Rose or a Blue Lotus, but the one Miss Shine is having isn’t an uncommon pair too, I’m told.”
I arched a brow, swirling the glass of grey liquid. I had no intention of taking another sip, and a strong feeling of agreement in my chest sealed that decision. The choice of names didn't escape me. Having drinks made after me and the ponies I know wasn’t the weirdest piece of hero worship I’d seen so far, there was still that hallway of graffiti-porn in Supermax.
The sound of squeaking interrupted what anyone was going to say next, growing like a duck pond getting louder and louder as who or whatever came closer down the hallway.
It was at that point a Giant chicken came up to the bar.
“Hello, Sir. Mom, Dad. Everyone else.” Swift’s voice came from inside. Each step she took making the sound of a tiny 'quack’ as she went to take the closest empty seat. The sound of a zipper moving let down a flap, revealing Swift’s face in the neck of the costume. “If you’re going to ask about the chicken suit...it’s all Scarlet’s fault.”
All was silent for a few seconds, but it was Taxi that broke the dam. It took effort to hide my own laughter, not easy with Sweets’ infectious cackling like an old hag. Limerence tried to be polite, but the corners of his mouth showing behind his hoof and mirthful eyes gave it away. Scarlet and Swift's parents held nothing back.
“Not funny.” The pegasus muttered indignantly. “It's hot in here! And I had to deal with foals trying to smother me.”
“I thought you liked working with colts and fillies?” I frowned, the ghost of amusement still on my lips. “What about that card game you carry around everywhere?”
“It didn’t work!” Swift sighed, visibly slumping. And it would have been a very heart wrenching sigh too, if not for the googly eyes right above her face. “They just wanted to ride the giant chicken. I managed to get a game going in Supermax. It shouldn’t have been this hard to keep things under control on my home turf.”
“At least you enjoyed the ball pit?” Suture commented, his face the perfect look of understanding and sympathy. Swift as a filly must have been...I don’t even want to think about it.
“She’d better have, if she thought it worth skipping her parents on.” Quickie tutted disapprovingly. “Did you at least say hello to your gran?”
“Eheh...sorry, mom.” My partner grinned sheepishly, waddling over to hug her mother, though it didn’t quite take. “I met granny on the way in, she was the one who...told me to wear the suit.”
The unicorn mare hugged her daughter, her face going into ‘mom’ mode. “I know it’s sudden, but there’s one thing I’ve been meaning to talk to you about.” She pulled away, looking every part the worried mother I saw when I first met her. Though this time Swift’s expression was one of confusion.
“We all know Hearts and Hooves day is a very special day, and you’re my little wing, all grown up into a beautiful young mare.” Quickie Cuddles spoke with the weight of one saying their final goodbyes. “I know you’ve grown close with that Tourniquet filly-”
The lights flickered, causing everypony present to glance up. Quickie carried on as if nothing had happened.
“-but it’s very important that you use protection whenever you two get intimate. I know you’re both mares, and there’s no risk of accidental foals-”
“Mooom!” Swift wailed, her cheeks the brightest red I’d seen outside of a crime scene. “It isn’t like that! She just uses a direct hardline into my neural system via sensory surface-nerve connections for minimally invasive data transfer, that’s all! It’s not sex!”
“You two might think otherwise, but it sounds like it to me.” Swift’s father spoke in a clinical tone, like a teacher giving a biology class. “Biologically speaking, it’s the fastest and most efficient way of transferring information.”
“Not you too, Dad.” My chicken-partner whined, turning around. “Lim! Help me out here!” She pleaded.
The light blue unicorn adjusted his glasses and shrugged. “He’s right, you know.”
Swift looked like she would’ve taken off right then and there, and she would have, if not for the costume restricting her wings. And everything else. The smaller mare across the bar continued her lecture.  
“Like I said, there is no risk of accidental foals, but that doesn’t mean things will be completely safe. Mr Limerence, if you could take out that book I requested? Miss Taxi, I might need your help to demonstrate…”
A nudge in my side brought my attention to Scarlet, waving at me to follow him with an aside glance and furtive smile. I followed, getting “The Talk” once was enough for me. Hearing it again, this time from the mare to brings down buildings to her daughter about doing things with a building, was another thing entirely.
“I think they’ll take a while.” Scarlet led me down the many halls of the Vivarium, surprisingly empty considering the occasion. I could still hear Missus Cuddles’ lecture from here. Scarlet snickered when he heard Swift’s embarrassed groans. “Let's get you your gift, shall we? I've got it stashed in one of the private rooms here…”
“After all that's happened, the less surprises I get the better.” I grumbled, recalling the many, many times something unexpected came to bite me in the ass. Or head. “What's so special about this one?”
“Nothing really, well, not for me, I mean. But it’s going to be the first time for you, Hardy.” The stallion looked back and gave me a wink.“I put in a lot of effort to make this extra special. Bells, lace, a bit of leather, music…”
I blinked, trying to process exactly what the Vivarium employee was saying. A private room, bells, lace, leather...was Scarlet’s tail always swishing like that?
We came to a stop right outside one of the bedrooms. Scarlet Petals opened the door and peeked inside - just enough to block my view - before slipping inside. A few seconds of trotting sounds and suspicious thumping later his head poked back out.
“You can come in now! And close your eyes until I tell you to open them.” The stallion called out with unrestrained glee, like a little filly on her first Hearth’s Warming. The door swung open, showing a dimmed room. An obvious trap.
“By Celestia’s flaming ass…” Muttering, I closed my eyes and took a step forward. Now, I was pretty sure Scarlet would be more likely to pounce on me and tickle me into submission than to...stick a knife in my back or something, but old instincts die hard. It didn’t take long before a hoof on my snout stopped me.
“Wait here…” Some more scuffling, followed by the slam of the door behind me. A click meant that I was now, in fact, locked in a room with Scarlet Petals, and completely at his mercy. “Now...open!”  
“Look Scarlet, I appreciate the effort but you don’t have to...huh?” In front of my face, was a card.
It was heart shaped, made of a deep red stiff card I’d only seen in wedding invitations. Lace was trimmed around the edge, and “To: Hard Boiled Jr” was scrawled over the cover in silver ink in the the kind of calligraphy that took a horn to write.
“Go on, open it.” Scarlet urged.
It was like I held the main street of Uptown between my hooves. Tiny paper ponies popped up, all in familiar shapes. Taxi, Swift, Limerence, and me, all coloured in with our usual outfits drawn. A tiny crystal embedded inside lit up, and played a tiny jingle, like a music box. On the other side, was an intricate calligraphy pattern surrounding a second message, written in the same cursive silver as the first. It simply read “Thank you for everything.”
Then, the card exploded, showering my muzzle with confetti and a patch of soot.
“S-sorry!” The stallion stammered, wiping at my nose with his hoof. “Dr Stitch from the Morgue helped me with that, said you would like it.”
“Trust Slip Stitch to try putting a party cannon into a card, of all things. I expected more glitter.” I took a closer look at the patterns and realised they were too imprecise to be burned out by horn. The writing too, filled with tiny wavers and kinks that didn’t become obvious until up close.
“Did you make this...by hoof?” Scarlet replied to my question with an ernest smile and nod.
My hoof went around Scarlet’s neck and pulled him close, burying my nose into his neck and taking a second to enjoy that sweet scent. It was the first real time I’d gotten a card like this. For any holiday. Sweets gave me my first, when we were foals, but a piece of folded paper doodled on with suspiciously red ink couldn’t compare to this. She eventually stopped and just started coming over to drink my beer and eat my food once we finished school anyway.
Another, smaller feeling of foal-like joy welled up in my chest, the ghost of memories I’d never had flickered in my mind, and my eyes began to water. Was Gale…?
“Thank you.” I breathed. “This means a lot to me. Really. You know what? I’m regretting coming out here a little less now. The last Hearts and Hooves I had was never as good as this.”
“I just wanted to show you how much I appreciated you, all you’ve done.” The whispered reply came. Scarlet was looking rather embarrassed. “I-I mean, not to say that the others don’t have their own gifts - but I wanted yours to be extra special.”
My thanks came in the form of a peck on the cheek that had him blushing like a schoolfilly. “Thank you. I don't have anywhere to keep it, but I'll find way to have it around. Guess I'll have to get you something too… ”
Scarlet Petals smiled coyly, embarrassment replaced by a certain air that made me rethink my choice of words.
“Well if you insist on repaying me…” He began with a naughty smirk and husky whisper, slinking forward like Swift stalking a pigeon. “I've got just the thing in mind for such a brave, handsome detective like you, Hardy… ”
A million images of various acts I'd never let another soul see flashed in my mind - involving everything from the bowl of fruit in the corner to the stockings hanging out of the closet, and being sent to Dr Suture for acute dehydration and summary execution.
Now is not the time, Gale! My face didn't move an inch, even as Scarlets hoof pushed me back onto the bed, even as the feeling of his silky coat crawling over me sent sparks flying up my spine. It seemed my own body had decided to choose this moment to betray me.
I could feel myself sweating, Scarlet’s mouth moved ever closer as his hips practically straddled mine, his head moved aside to whisper-
“Tell me a story.”
“...What?”
My chest let out a breath and relaxed, tension leaving my legs. A feeling of…disappointment, too. Gale’s doing definitely. The other stallion wrapped his forelegs around my midsection, getting comfortable on the sheets and laying his head over my chest.
“We don't exactly have to go just yet. What happened on your last Hearts and Hooves day? Or do you want to listen in on Swift learning about the ins and outs of electrical wiring?”
“I'm not a storybook, Scarlet.” I leaned back into some of the softest sheets I've ever felt and stared up at the ceiling. “The last one I went out of the house for was years ago.”
“Well what happened then? You just got one of the best gifts of your life. Don't lie, I saw it. Something had to make you dislike Hearts and Hooves so.” I made the mistake of glancing at him, and was met with the saddest eyes I'd only seen on Swift when she wants something.
Sighing, I closed my eyes and weighed my options. Stay here, on the softest bed I'd laid in all month, talking to Scarlet Petals? Or go back down to the bar, get a drink, but endure overhearing the lecture Quickie Cuddles was surely giving her daughter about structural intimacy and building safety codes?
“Hearts and Hooves is one of, if not the most boring periods of the entire year. Especially if you're single. They don’t call it ‘Singles Awareness day’ for nothing. And as a cop that means paperwork that nopony else wants to do because they've all taken the day off to...okay, fine.” I'd resigned myself to my cuddly fate as Scarlet let out an excited squeal like Swift did when she gets the chance to disassemble heavy weaponry. They were more alike than I thought.
The memories surfacing from the last Hearts and Hooves I was ever a part of made me cringe, and not just in embarrassment. Even after so much time...
“Guess I could tell you a little…” I mumbled “Wish I had a drink though.”
“Let me take care of that. You stay right here.” Scarlet eagerly hopped off, trotting off to the side as I stared up at the dim lighting and felt the satin on my back. He returned with a dark bottle in his mouth. “Will thisfh do?” He put it down next to the wine glasses on the bedside table with a soft thud. “Pinot Noir isn’t beer, but it should be just as light, and this one has hints of fruit that-”
“It’s just wine to me, Scarlet. I could never taste the difference anyway...it’ll do fine.” I sat up just in time for Scarlet to return and hoof me a filled wine glass in ten seconds flat. I wondered if I should be surprised, but between sewing, laundry, and sizing up a pony’s hat size at a glance I wouldn’t have been surprised if he could make a three course meal worthy of a fancy restaurant.
I took the glass with a small curve to my lips and gulped down a mouthful. The wine was like any other, though I guess it tasted a little more like juice instead of alcohol, enough to call the taste....fruity. I guess Scarlet’s Cutie Mark has some literal meaning after all.
Setting the glass back down and scooting up the bed to get comfortable against the headboard, I noticed the other stallion looking at me expectantly. I raised an eyebrow and patted the empty space next to me and he practically leapt up like a puppy.
“Woo! Story time!” With much the same enthusiasm. Definitely Swift’s best friend alright...
Scarlet snuggled into my chest as I lamented my lack of beer in hoof, but passing the time like this was better than the alternative. I reached out with one hoof to put a pillow behind my head, wrapping the other around his shoulders. “The last ever Hearts and Hooves day I ever did anything in was years ago; way back when I had a partner, like Swift does now. His name was Juniper Shores. We had a lot in common, like hating paperwork. And this time of year is full of it...”
Papers shuffling, hooves tapping, pencils scribbling, and the File Cloud above it all, the puffy white papercut dispensing cherry on top. Just another day of paperwork in The Castle. It was safe, mundane, predictable. The very antithesis of what work should be for one Hard Boiled Jr.
“Is Hearts and Hooves over yet?” The grey stallion groaned, hat cast aside. Stacks of papers and empty cups of coffee lay strewn across his desk. The continued click-clack of typewriters and scribbling of quills was his answer.
“Tell me when it is, kid.” Hardy perked an ear at the voice of his partner coming across the oak desk. Juniper Shores’ titanium green mane seemed to shimmer in the light as he slumped his head on a foreleg. “I'm going to Tartarus for this, but having to deal with paperwork is actually making me miss seeing case files on my desk.”
“Oh lighten up, will you?” The mare from the next “desk” over chimed in. Her domain usually was a mess of wires and papers and microphones, but it was now significantly cleaned up to the point one could even see the little plaque reading ‘Radiophonic Telegraphica’ under it all. “Hearts and Hooves is one of the most peaceful times of the year; the worst that happens is somepony desperate to get an expensive gift or some public orgy in the middle of a park. Even criminals have loved ones, just enjoy the quiet while it lasts. No news is good news.”
“Easy for you to say, Telly, you get to enjoy us doing your paperwork for you.” The grey stallion grumbled. His voice clearly audible in the nearly empty room. “The Hearts and Hooves weeks are boring. Nothing the cops on patrol can't handle, if there's even anything to handle...all the important stuff was done hours ago. What are we still doing here? This place is empty!”
“I'm still here, Boiled!” Yelled a voice from outside the dispatch room.
“You don't count, Froid! You don't have to spend every day of the week here helping Telly ‘index the file cloud’!”
“It's just an excuse anyways. We're here because almost everypony else is off with their marefriend or husband or pillow, and somepony has to keep the place running. That means everyone else who's currently single, or… ” Juniper idly toyed with his hat, spinning it on a hoof. He jerked his head upwards in the direction of the office of one Iris Jade. He looked to Telly with a grin. “... those that can't get a date.”
Hardy sniggered. Telly was less than amused.
“Look who's talking!” she huffed. “Last I saw, you're here too…unless you plan on asking me out to dinner later…” Telly glanced out of the corner of her eye with a coy smile.
“I'm sorry, my dear Telly, but I'm afraid I already made prior commitments to my dear partner here. A wild night on the town with things like hayfries, beer, and looking at gaudy ties.” Juniper reached across to ruffle Hardy’s mane, who slapped it away.
“You keep that up and those jokes about you two will start becoming rumours.”
“We don't spend that much time together…” Hardy groused.
“Sure seems like it. In fact-” Telly’s ears perked as a crackle of static came through the headset around her neck. “Oh, what is it now?” She pressed a hoof against the headphones, as a pen and paper began taking down notes of their own accord while she spoke into the mic. All around the scribbles and clacking carried on like usual, the File Cloud rumbling on above as paperwork flew about.
“We've got a call about a dead pony in an apartment in Midtown, sounds like the mailpony found em.” The two detectives raised their brows. Deaths hardly happened but that doesn't mean that they never would. Though generally they would fall under the coroner's ‘Death by snu snu’ folder. “Didn't mention much, poor guy sounded almost hysterical.”
“Any idea what it could be? Autoerotic asphyxiation? Somepony stuck something they shouldn't in a blender?” [Hardy?]
“Somepony find another set of weapons-grade lingerie in a dusty antique store again?” [Juniper?]
“I think Slip Stitch should stop publishing cause of death statistics in the monthly newsletter. His advice columns are weird enough.” Telly sighed, lamenting the end of her all too brief reprieve from paperwork. “Well, I’ll need to pass this to Her Royal Hardass.”
“Not so fast.” Juniper proved faster and grabbed the floating paper before Telly could pull it away. His eyes caught only a glimpse before she snatched it back, it was all he needed. “It sounds pretty serious, three ponies dead at this time of year. It would be better to have some officers on the scene ASAP, wouldn’t it?”
Telly’s brows narrowed as Hardy’s ears perked. Working in a place like The Castle tended to cultivate some very quick thinking, if not from being around the city’s best investigators then surely from having to avoid the extra work thrown around from Chief Jade like a mach speed papercut from the File Cloud, sans decapitation and dismemberment.
“Juniper, don’t.”
“Or what? You’ll have to send detectives - which means us - down there eventually. Rerouting the cars on patrol right now would take longer than sending a one straight from here. Besides, this means less paperwork for you, because And we already cleared half your desk away so you've got less paperwork anyways!” Juniper jerked his head toward his partner, the tips of his mane almost flipping. “And the kid needs to get out of the office more, get a feel for the ponies at the other end of the crime scene reports. Else he'll end up like you-know-who stuck in her office all day.” He ended with a knowing look.
“That ‘kid’ of yours ain’t much younger than you. ”
“I'm not hearing a ‘no’…”
“If only you could put that silver tongue of yours to better use…” She sighed. “Go on if you want, but don't expect me to bail you out when the Chief…disagrees.”
“When does she ever? Thanks, Telly.” Hardy trotted out the door after his partner, eager for a change in pace. “Want anything while we're out?”
“Well there's this one chocolate shop Uptown that-”
“Nevermind then, forget I asked!” He replied with the same exuberance as the door clicked shut.
Telly gazed at the door, replaying the last minute of conversation in her head with a pensive look. She turned back to her desk and shook her head with a disappointed click of the tongue.
“I wonder if it's too late to change my bet...”
“I've got spurs, that jingle, jangle, jingle (jingle jangle)”
Click
“Play the guitar...play it again...my Johnny”
Click
“Oh, I'm the type of guy who will never settle down-”
Click
“Hey, if you don't like it maybe you should've chosen a different car. ” Juniper Shores smirked across at his partner, radio sat silent as he huffed air through his nose like he usually did whenever he was displeased.
“Like it's my fault this one radio can't play any song that wasn't written during the Crusades?” Hardy rapped his hoof against the little black box in the middle of the dashboard. “Didn't think you would complain, seeing as you were the one who told me to ‘hurry it up before Jade comes and magics us into doing paperwork for eternity’.”
“Its okay, Hardy.” A green hoof patted Hardy on the shoulder. “Neither of us could have known your driving skills would go so far as to affect which set of keys you'd pull at random out of every other cruiser in the garage.”
“Even when the seats are torn and the back smells like Sweets after one of her week-long ‘immersion trips’ to some Zebra tribe?”
“The ones where she comes back with some new back-breaking technique, or the ones where she comes back painted in stripes and declares she'll never need to get laid ever again?”
“Does it matter?” Hardy shrugged. He reached for the communicator hanging off the side. “Well, at least the car drives fine…even if the radio needs to get its tuning crystals looked at. Haven't tried calling anypony yet though, maybe Telly…?”
“Eh, I'd leave it. Wouldn't want to have to end up speaking to the Chief, even on accident.” Juniper Besides…”
“Yeah, Juni?”
“...Nevermind, it can wait. We're here.”
The break room of The Castle is a sacred, safe space of the mares and stallions of the DPD. Free from the horrors of office work, away from the prying eyes of co-workers, a place where the average officer could take a directive-given 120 minutes and 37 seconds to forget about the job and have a meal with their fellow pony in peace and camaraderie. A place for coffee breaks, meals, furtive naps, clandestine after-hours fraternization, and today, emergency meetings of the members of The Castle betting pool.
“I just saw them walk out together! Did you see how eagerly Hardy ran after him? Probably spending some ‘quality time’ in a diner somewhere.”
“Pfft! They ran off chasing that dispatch call and you know it! Can you blame them? Being stuck here during Hearts and Hooves sucks dragon-shite when you've got no special somepony to spend it with.”
“But they do! Can't you see? They have each other!”
The current event gripping the DPD’s gossip queens by the metaphorical ovaries was the current status of the infamous partnership of officers Hard Boiled and Juniper Shores. The corkboard in the wall was split evenly, long sheets of paper tallying the current details of who's betting and for which side being near equally balanced.
“Feel free to keep dreaming! This is just you seeing what you wanna see because it's Hearts and Hooves! They're strictly professional!” The mare put down her name and a number - her bet to the pool - under Team Jade, named so after the mare's oft antagonistic relationship with the two.
“Nuh-uh! Everypony else can see it, it's clear as day! Team Sweets forever!” The other mare swiftly penciled her own name under the opposing Team Sweets, named after Sweet Shine due to her instigating comment of ‘They're totally screwing’ after seeing the pair come to work wearing each other's ties from the day before.
The few other members of the Castle staff in office that day barely restrained a collective facehoof at the antics of their two more…vocal members. Legal Defence and Civil Prosecution were two mares on the other end of the “creepy twin” spectrum. Despite their contributions to The Castle’s legal affairs their combined talent for argument made for some loud meetings of the office betting pool.
“Girls, please, calm your cooches.” The mare at the head of the breakroom table sat, hooves folded. Sweet Shine may have been the sister Hard Boiled never had, but a nice sister she was not. And while she was supposed to be away on personal matters, she decided to pop in while passing by on a gut feeling, just in time to see her best friend and his partner driving off.
“Now, back to the topic at hoof. It’s as boring as the Chief’s sex life this week, and I’m sure you all would like to stay as far away from your desks as possible.” A few nods and a bunch of affirming murmurs came from the surrounding staff. Not that it needed much saying. The mare pointed her yellow hoof at the corner of the room. “Telly! What’s the latest?”
“Well I’m sure everypony here by now knows about our two detectives rushing off on that call earlier, but before then I made a jab about how close they act, and managed to flirt a little with detective Shores.” The mare shook her head. “No dice.”
“Maybe he just thinks you suck at flirting!” One side of the table gasped. Telly somehow managed to make a very rude minotaur hand gesture with her hooves.
“His exact words were: ‘I already made prior commitments to my dear partner here. A wild night on the town with things like hayfries, beer, and looking at gaudy ties’.”
“Well that sounds like Juniper alright. Your thoughts?” Sweet Shine asked. The unicorn in question shrugged and placed her hooves on the table.
“I know I've always said those two were just being friendly, but...after all this time…” Telly shrugged and let out a small sigh. “I think it’s time for me to switch sides. Move my bet over to Team Sweets.”
The break room was in uproar. The sound of a bell was chimed and pencils scribbled on the board, the list updated and a name changed sides, numbers added up and totaled. Sweets rapped her hoof on the table.
“Order! Order I say! What kind of cops are you ponies?!”
The engine of the police cruiser cut through the quiet street as it pulled up to park behind an empty mail van.
“Looks like we're the first ones here.” Juniper looked up and down the rows of townhouses. This part of the city was relatively empty for being so close to the shops and offices of Midtown.
“We beat the forensics herd and the press? That doesn't happen often.” Hardy opened the glove compartment, pulling out a black box with a groan. “Never liked the smell of latex on my hooves.”
“It's a small price to pay for not having to deal with the questions and complaining.” Juniper said from the back seat as he stuffed a roll of police line tape into his jacket. “Damn. Whoever last took this cruiser did not clean up after themselves. I should file a complaint.”
“And deal with more paperwork? Besides, I think that was us.” Juniper had made it around to Hardy’s side of the car and held the door open, while Hardy took the hat Juniper left behind on the driver's seat and set it upon his partner's head.
“Hm, now that you mention it, I think I smelled a familiar stench…”
“Hey, you never complain about how I smell!” Hardy kicked the door closed with a rear leg. Locking the doors of a police vehicle was a general rule, but that usually got in the way if a chase was needed. Not that he expected one, this wasn't a rough neighbourhood.
“Not when it isn't your fault!” He chuckled. “Don't worry, I'm sure Sweet Shine has got something for that…”
“Whatever, Juni. Let's go before the body starts rotting.” Hard Boiled rolled his eyes and flicked the hat off his head. A petty revenge, but effective.
“I’m not hearing a ‘no’!” Juniper called out, jogging into the building.
It wasn't hard for the detectives to find the scene of the crime. Not every apartment door was ajar with a delivery filly waiting outside, looking like they were walking down a Griffon dining hall.
“Hey there. We’re detectives from the DPD. Are you the one who made the call about the dead body?” Juniper knelt down close, tapping the badge on his chest.
“Y-yeah. I had a package to deliver to the ponies here, and when I came the door was slightly open… so I thought I'd leave the box inside a-and then-” The filly put a hoof to her head and shook. “Oh Celestia. I couldn't believe it. I rushed down to make the call and figured I should stay and make sure nopony else stumbles across it, or…something.”
“Thanks for doing that. It'll help.” The stallion nodded. “Look, I know you're busy, but if you can spare a few more minutes to answer some questions from my partner here, then you can be on your way.”
“S-sure, I guess?” She shrugged with a smile and chuckle that seemed more nervous than anything else. “Not like my boss can dock my pay any more at this point, eheh…”
Hardy took over from there, stepping forward with a notebook already in hoof as Juniper moved into the apartment. The younger stallion was never the type to talk much on the job, but he learned fast.
The pale lime green of the apartment door creaked open, old as much in structure as it was in looks. What hid behind looked like - as most cases did - a scene out of a storybook gone horribly wrong. The apartment was set up for an undoubtedly romantic evening: candles on the table that long since burned out, cold wax pooling on the surfaces they'd been set on. Flower petals scattered across the floor like a park in autumn. An antique gramophone was looping soft piano notes in the corner. And in the center of the room tying the smashed cutlery and overturned furniture together with the smell of dried blood and stale wine: a dead body. Or rather, the first of three dead bodies.
“The filly never mentioned other bodies…probably just saw the one from the door and booked it.” Juniper murmured to himself. Latex snapped onto green hooves - a pair that Juniper had put in his jacket along with a mask - as the stallion went in for a closer look. The dead pegasus’ coat - whatever shade of green he once was - was now darkened and speckled with unmistakably dried blood clumping up the hairs. The detective's hooves moved deliberately, taking care to keep any disturbance to a minimum but was met with the sound of something crunching. The rug beneath him was stained dark red - he'd bled a while. Darkened soft bruises and swellings concentrated around the forelegs, barrel, face showed signs of a fight…especially with an obviously broken wing. Orange eyes whose light had long since left them gazed across the room at one of the other bodies - a collar and bow tie wearing Earth Pony stallion slumped over the counter.
Juniper crept on hooftip around the first dead body, and towards the second stallion. The pale Earth Pony died relatively peacefully - relatively being the operative word. Head planted on the kitchen counter with empty glass in hoof and an equally empty bottle of whiskey would've made Juniper conclude death by alcohol poisoning were it not for the other hoof blood-stained and hanging limp, a matching fit for the hole in his chest being plugged by a kitchen knife. And the closed eyes of the stallion were just so turned towards the third dead pony of the night: A pink unicorn mare.
Even from a distance it was becoming evident some kind of scuffle involved all three, the mare trickled a reasonable amount of dried blood from a particularly dark spot in her mane, contrasting sharply with the makeup she wore and making her mascara run. There didn't seem to be anything else to her other than her position crumpled into a corner of the room so Juniper left her be.
“Oof, that's a weird smell.” Hardy said as he stepped into the apartment, setting down the kit he brought from the car. He looked from Juniper, to the mess of cutlery and furniture, to the dead Pegasus. “I…didn't expect there to be three of them.”
“Probably for the best that the mailpony didn't find more than one body.” The green stallion sniffed the air. “And, smell? I don't smell anything out of the ordinary other than dried blood.”
“What, you mean you can't tell? It's like a perfume department in here. The kind that gives you a headache if you stay too long.” The grey Earth pony snorted hard to clear his nose.
“Oh yeah…guess a foalhood following your dam shopping is good for something.” Juniper shrugged. “You finished questioning the filly?”
“And the neighbours too. There aren't many home but I managed to get a few questions answered. It's all written down.” Hardy tapped his coat pocket. “Looks like you’ve got this covered, I’ll check the bedroom.”
“Could you tape off the front door first? Don’t want Forensics to chew our ears off again!” He called out over his shoulder.
Juniper didn't bother spending much time going too deeply into figuring out every last thing about the bodies, that was for Forensics and Slip Stitch to figure out - but what did concern him was the general details. How they lay, what they held, those helped much more in the moment than finding out exactly how and when a pony died. The case is built from the evidence, after all.
He moved away from the dead mare, noting a few minor details, deciding that it was time to take a step back. They clearly died in a fight, but who had killed whom? And why? Juniper stood in the centre of the ruined apartment and turned a slow circle.
Not much stood out from his earlier look around, nothing worth looking closer for anyway. The dining area, however immaculately laid out it might have been, had long since been turned into a Minotaur’s china shop. The kitchen area fared much better in comparison - save the bloodstains that seeped into the counter, and the broken display cabinet leaking cutlery. A few unopened bottles of booze, stacked plates and arranged cutlery, a vegetable casserole in the oven that long since went cold…somepony certainly put in a lot of effort into making their perfect dinner date.
As Juniper rounded the corner behind the counter he spotted a lone piece of paper on the tiles. A letter, that had been opened recently enough to keep it's folds, complete with a broken red wax seal and signed off with lipstick marks that had soaked through from the other side.
“What the-who even does this stuff anymore?” the stallion murmured to himself under his breath. He flipped the note over and began to read.
“Stars above, it's horrible.” he scoffed. “The things I do for my job…” Overly descriptive sex acts aside, Juniper's brain distilled the letter down to the essentials.
“We’ve both had a rough time lately, but what couple doesn’t fight....with Hearts and Hooves day coming close, I thought I’d do something extra special this year...take your time coming home for dinner...what happens between us, I still love you. <3, 💋
Looking up, the detective easily found evidence confirming a rather long running relationship. Pictures around the apartment featured a dull coated Earth Pony and pink Unicorn in most of them. A few had included others - almost always a Pegasus or another Unicorn. Some of the photos looked to have been taken no more than a few years ago - the youngest looking couple he could find were wearing graduation gowns and were nearly the spitting image of their now dead counterparts. Maybe not exactly a pair of foalhood sweethearts, but if a picture was worth a thousand words he had a few dozen of them telling him they made up for that.
“Hey Juniper! You might want to take a look at this!” Hard Boiled’s voice took Juniper's attention, towards the now open bedroom.
“Yeah, kid? What is it?” Juniper walked in to find Hardy waiting for him in a room that gave him pause: aside from the messed up sheets and scattered flower petals the room looked almost untouched. It was a scene set up from a middle-aged mare’s romance novel.
“Found where most of that smell was coming from, for starters.” Hardy pointed towards a few mounds of melted wax - it was a wonder how the apartment hadn't caught fire in the meantime.   
“There's a nightgown behind the bed, it probably belongs to the mare, and it looked like she didn't really care where it landed. More pictures of the happy couple like the ones outside, and-” Hardy stepped aside and tapped a hoof on the book on the nightstand behind him.
“-there's this. Looks like the mare’s diary, writing's too neat for hooves.” The words ‘Spring Waves’ on the cover with flowers and hearts on either end probably sold it too.
“Okay, did you read it?”
“The whole thing? It'll take forever for that! It looks like this thing followed her from high school.” Hardy balked.
“Well then why would we need to read all of it?” Juniper rolled his eyes. “That stuff’s all irrelevant. Just read from the back, that should give us an idea of what was going on before she died.”
The green pony stepped up and flipped the book open, flipping pages until he reached the last entry. There was still a good inch of pages that would never be filled.
<quote>‘I've finally finished moving into my grandparents’ old apartment with [earth pony name], and I can't wait for the rest of our lives to get started! Ever since he asked me out that first time during Hearts and Hooves a year ago I'd never thought we'd get this far! I feel like if we got married by this time next year nopony would be surprised, but I wouldn't put that kind of burden on Gar, weddings cost a hoof and a leg now. “They're made for each other” our friends would always say. I don't know about forever, but right now, it feels like they're right. Lucky me! </quote>
“-hmm, nope, too early.” A few more pages are flipped.
Three arguments in two weeks, it's a new record. This time it's about how I never seem to do any chores while he just complains about every little thing. I fired back with how he spends all his bits on booze and gets mad at the smallest things and…It's nopony’s fault, we're just…busy with other things. I've got my work at the studio and [earth pony name] has his. Stress gets to everypony eventually, right? Still, it doesn't feel good when even Holly and Cloud are pointing out the rift between us, and they've known us forever! But I agree, this can't be healthy for us. Holly’s been telling me about a relationship counsellor named Heart Throb, and I think I'll take her up on that offer.
I haven't cried as much as I have today in a long time. I tried to fool myself into thinking time would straighten things out, but I was wrong. I've told Heart Throb everything: we fight, we sometimes pretend the other doesn't exist, we don't even have sex anymore, everything. She's made me realise things about myself that I never thought of before. Cloud’s been best friends with Garnet since they were colts and it's clear he remembers him being better. I remember him being better. But I'm not giving up yet. We've been together for so long, what kind of marefriend would I be if I just up and left?
Gee found Cloud and I talking in the hallway, he was furious. He thought hewas making a move at me and that he ‘didn't feel comfortable leaving his mare alone with another stallion like that’. He should know better! They've been friends for years before he even met me, and he's been nothing but good to us! Cloud has been one of the few ponies that supported me through all this and [scribbles, blacked out words in ink] I need to get on with my plan.
Tonight's the night! I've spent a good deal of bits on flowers alone, dug up some old records, but if everything goes according to plan it'll be just like when were in college again. I can't thank Heart Throb enough, the mare made this night happen! She'll even be sending a box of candles over for free if tonight goes well. Cloud is coming over to make sure everything’s perfect, I-
“Of course it cuts off mid sentence…” Hardy grumbled.
The sound of approaching hoofsteps drew their attention to the door, a latex covered hoof knocked on the wood as they entered. The suits covered much, but the image of a mare being followed by a colt carrying all their luggage is a universal one.
“Housekeeping!” A mare's voice jovially called. “There you are, Detectives. It's not often we get a call from Telly saying we'll be second to a scene.” She slid the mask and visor off, revealing a middle aged mare that clearly chose to ‘smile’ long ago, instead of crying or going insane. “Juniper Shores! How's your date going?”
“Nice to see you too, Maggie.” The stallion coolly responded, a contrast to his partner, who simply rolled his eyes. “Got some new blood today, eh? I expected Stitch to be handling anything this close to the holiday.” Juniper leaned to the side, pointing a hoof toward the younger pony swivelling his head around like a searchlight.
“Normally I'd be at home with my husband right now, but with the crazy doctor planning whatever party he's got now, somepony has to show the new intern the ropes.” The other Earth pony shrugged and slid her mask back into place, her voice slightly muffled once more. “Sooner we get done sooner we can all go home. Got a verdict yet?”
“Earth pony and Unicorn out there are a couple that have been having a rough spot lately, looks like they had a fight. Not too sure about the Pegasus though. Might be a friend of theirs, might just be some punk who broke in, but he was involved. We'll need to review the evidence.”
“Yeowch. Sounds a little more serious than that autoerotic asphyxiation case with the hot oil and cotton candy machine the other time. Ehehe…” The mare sniggered to herself. “Well I won't keep you, detective. I'm sure you've got better things to do…”
Juniper glanced down at his watch, it was mid afternoon - they'd been busy for over an hour now. “Speaking of that…now that you're here, my partner and I should get going. Are we good, Hardy?”
The grey earth pony nodded, sliding his notebook into his coat, following his partner who waved him along. Juniper gave the forensics pair a wave as he left, Hardy opting for a polite nod. Outside the apartment the pair were in no rush to keep the kit on for any longer than necessary, stripping off their gloves and masks and dumping them into the nearest bin.
“Ack. I hate the smell of those masks.” Hardy rubbed his nose, the smell of latex still lingered on his hooves.
“Brush your teeth?” Juniper led the way down the stairs back to their car, dodging the hoof swipe aimed for his hat. “So, what did you get off those statements?”
“The package is from some Heart Throb so it seems to match what the journal says - I've got the address written down. Almost all the neighbours weren't home, but one of them says an Earth pony and Unicorn couple lived there, matching the pictures all over that apartment.” Hardy shielded his eyes as they walked out onto the street, the mid-afternoon sun glaring right at them as they got into the car. “Find anything about that Pegasus?”
“Nothing definite. Whatever the relation was, I think it's fair to say that whomever killed them is in that apartment.” As Juniper settled in behind the wheel checking the mirrors, his gaze lingered on his partner, and a thought crossed his mind. “I think I saw a diner a few blocks back, you feeling hungry?”
“A little, I guess. But why can't we go follow up on that councillor of theirs right now? Her statement should be all that's left before we can close the case!”
“Turning down an offer of free food? Who are you and what have you done to Hard Boiled?”
“And you’re offering to pay? I didn’t know you had the savings for it.”
“...okay, I lied. But you don’t always want to charge into things with half a harness on. The mare isn't going anywhere, so we should review what we have while we can.”
“...hay fries do sound nice right now…”
“Alright. So what do we know happened?”
Hard Boiled paused halfway through sucking down a malt milkshake, raising a brow at Juniper across the two-seater booth. He himself waving a fry plucked from the basket between them and biting through it with a sharp crunch. ‘No talking till we've had some food in us’ Juniper told him. Well, he supposed a mouthful of milkshake and half a hay fry counted…
“You mean from the day of the crime? Or before?” Hardy gulped down the thick cream, wiping his lips on the back of his hoof.
“The beginning. No point taking shortcuts when we don't have all the info yet.” Juniper opted to hang his jacket over the seat, rolling up his sleeves to the elbow. He took a sip of his own milkshake. “Hm. Not too bad for the price. Maybe we could come here again…”
“Hey, you wanted to come here in the first place.” Hardy fished out his notebook from his coat pocket and flipped through the pages. “Right…So we've got this couple - Earth pony stallion and a Unicorn mare who've known each other since school, madly in love, blah blah blah…but then it starts to go sour. Maybe it's work stress or the high starts to wear off, either way, the usual starts happening. Fights, arguments, sleeping on the couch, standard stuff. So the mare decides to go get some help.”
“Doesn't seem like it did the trick if you ask me.”
“Yeah, well…they're dead.”
“Not like that, beerbutt,” Juniper rolled his eyes. “I meant the whole fancy dinner thing she tried. That stuff never works long term. I'm more interested in that ‘Cloud’ character. He might be our mystery Pegasus. Seeing the stallion you think your mare is cheating on you with in your own home is enough of a reason to start a fight.”
“This coming from the stallion whose last date was three months ago, to a mare who made a scene in front of The Castle because you weren't loaded like she thought you were?” Hard Boiled shot back, stirring his glass with an unusually long fry. “And we still don't know if he is. Not until we get an ID from Stitch.”
“And that's exactly how I know so. Okay, onto the fight. The apartment is trashed, no telling how our Birdbrain got in. If he was a burglar, it definitely wasn't through the windows. And if it's that Cloud guy, chances are he was already inside to begin with.” The green Earth Pony paused to shovel a hoof full of crispy golden stuff into his mouth before pointing it across the table. “And for the record, going to dinner at the Royalé uptown is no further indication of wealth past me being able to afford a fancy dinner once in a blue moon. I mean look at me!”
“Looks Uptown fancy to me.” Hardy shrugged.
“You think brushing my mane once a day and ironing is fancy. It isn't.”
“Well when you do clean up properly I'm sure I'll be speechless.” The pony tapped his notebook on the table. “We're getting sidetracked Juni. No matter how it started, it still ends the same way: Pegasus gets beat up real bad by the Earth pony, probably dies from internal bleeding due to all those wounds. Unicorn gets a crack to the skull and is out as soon as it happens, so then her boyfriend is overcome with grief and stabs himself after drinking enough whiskey to kill his liver.”
“Pretty much, yeah.” His partner nodded. “The Pegasus is roughed up pretty consistently with how an Earth Pony would do it: deep bruising, shattered bones, hoof shaped marks all over. The mare is in much better shape than the other two, relatively speaking. I say the stallions started fighting first and she got caught as collateral. And when our Earth Pony won he found out his mare died in the meantime and decided to end his life with an empty glass and a knife in the heart.”
“Kinda dramatic don't you think?” Hardy muttered. “You make it sound like a cheap radio drama.”
“Don't see you disagreeing, and it fits what we have so far...the only thing missing is the motive. And if I'm right about my hunch, we already have it.”
“And if not, there's only one lead that can confirm or deny that. Other than Stitch’s autopsy.” Hardy flipped his notebook shut and stowed it. Folding his hooves he gave his partner an expectant look. “Great. Can we go see the couple's counsellor now?”
Juniper attracted a waitress’ attention with a smile and wave that almost made her spill her tray, and motioned to get the rest of their hay fries to go. With a growing smirk he couldn't resist one last quip.
“Sure, we can go find out we don't agree on anything anymore. Talk things out, do some trust exercises.”
“...I want a divorce.”
“Ha!” Juniper guffawed. “And you wonder why the office talks about us!”
“Office isn't here.” Hardy blew a raspberry.
“Your hayfries, to go!” A cheery young mare plopped a grease stained paper bag on the table. “Hope your divorce works out!”
Yellow eyes narrowed, glaring across to their counterparts, dusky grey and full of mirth.
“Not. Another. Word. Juni.”
The ride to the office of the couple's counsellor was a silent one, save for the broken radio and Juniper's smug grin as they left the diner. Before long the two detectives found themselves outside a second floor Midtown apartment: the home and office of one ‘Heart Throb, Matchmaker and relationship counsellor’.
“Huh. You know I kinda expected something…fancier. An office building, at least.” Hardy looked up at the sign on the wall, not unlike those found in The Castle.
“Part of me wants to ask if she's got the permit to run a business outta a place like this, but better this than some Beam lab or… whatever, we've got bigger things to worry about.” Juniper tapped his hoof thrice hard on the door and waited as the sound of hoofsteps approached.
The door clicked and swung open not a moment later, revealing a mare that wouldn’t have looked out of the ordinary in an office cubicle...apart from being an incredible pink.
“Hello there!” The pegasus beamed like a grandmother welcoming her family. “Ah! You must be here for the three o’clock appointment. Decided to come early I see. Come in! Come in.”
Hard Boiled and Juniper soon found themselves ushered inside by a pair of wings. Juniper kept silent and looked around. The living room of a medium sized apartment, he noted. Bookshelves with everything from suspiciously trashy romance novels nearly as old as he was to big tomes with long, dry titles about psychology. And, a set of worn-in seats and sofa arranged around a coffee table.
Hardy raised a hoof to speak, but luck decided that he was either too slow or too soft to be heard.
“Well actually-”
“I must admit you weren't exactly what I was expecting, but the letter was rather vague - I can understand feeling the need for secrecy.” She nodded along. “For one, I had thought one of you was going to be a mare. Unless you meant ‘mare’ in other terms, but-”
“Actually, miss…” Juniper stopped walking. “we're not here for an appointment. Detectives Hard Boiled and Juniper Shores. DPD. You're Ms Heart Throb?”
“Oh, yes. I've seen your names in the papers.” The mare turned and nodded. Back straight, ears perked. Hardy took this cue to speak.
“We've come to ask you some questions relating to a case of ours. There's no easy way to say it, but…we have reason to believe one of your clients was found dead earlier today. A pink unicorn, along with two other stallions. She was set to receive a package from you? Her name was…”
“Spring Waves…” Eyes wide, the mare raised a hoof in shock. Her mouth moved, but a few seconds passed before any sound came. “I…but why? What happened?”
“That's what we're trying to find out. We were hoping you could answer some questions about her situation.”
“A-absolutely! What do you need to know? I'll tell you much as I can.”
“Well, we can start with when you last saw her.” Juniper motioned toward the coffee table. “We know she was having some relationship troubles, could you tell us about that?”
“Y-yes. Just give me a moment…” Heart Throb walked over and sat on the armchair, staring off into the space behind the coffee table.The detectives sat down opposite, ready for her statement. “...she…I wasn't found by her directly, one of my other clients referred her about a month ago. Spring made appointments on and off, but last one was just last week - Thursday actually - she'd came in crying. Her and her stallionfriend had another big fight, she ran here on a whim.”
“Did you know the stallion?” Juniper intoned, leaning back into his half of the sofa. He sunk into it easily. Heart Throb blinked, then nodded.
“By reputation, mostly. All of her visits were alone, save one - and he didn’t take the idea of needing...‘therapy’ well.” Disdain was obvious on the mare’s voice as her face creased for but a moment, before returning somber.
“They'd been a couple for a long time, but their spark was fading with life getting in the way. I'd spoken with her, of course, but I could only get her side of the story. Garnet was a pony under a lot of stress, and had trouble dealing with it calmly. Spring didn't really account for that and expected things to be as they were when they just moved in together…I pushed them toward scheduling some personal time together. A proper date, not just having dinner when one's too tired to keep conversation, or sleeping in the same bed at night. You mentioned two other stallions, did he…?”
“We know that some kind of fight broke out, that's all we can say right now.” Hardy flipped through his own notebook while his partner spoke, glancing across the couch. Juniper raised his shoulders with a slight tilt of the head and a twitched ear. A shrug. Hardy continued the questioning. “Could you tell us more about their relationship? What happened exactly the last time you saw them? And when Spring Waves came to you that night?”
“To explain that I suppose I'd have to start from the beginning of their troubles. It was getting rough but what really set things off was when she began to confide in a mutual Pegasus friend of theirs, Cloud-something, and Garnet noticed him alone with her more and more often…”
[Heart Throb reveals info about Spring Breeze, establishes timeline that meetings and plan was recent. Drops name of earth pony and Pegasus corroborating her journal. Basically confirms fight as a result of jealous rage from the stallion seeing the other with his GF in a romantic dinner setting. (ideas to make it less expositiony wall of text?).]
[Consider passing comments at H&J? “You seem to have a good deal of chemistry with the other.” “Your (Hardy) eyebrows seem rather thick…in a good way!” otherwise, need to find some way to blend in the ‘shipper’ and ‘fanfic writer’ tendencies.]
“Y'know, I figured we would've been outta there in about…I dunno, less than two hours.”
Hardy grumbled as Juniper started up the car, his hoof automatically punching the mute button on the radio. It was becoming reflex. The sun had already began to set, and it didn't take more than the orange glow to tell the stallion that most ponies would be heading home by the time they got back to the Castle.
“Well you did want to visit her.” Juniper passed over a folder, generously given to them by the mare they’d just met. “I think that all but confirms it, as far as motivations go.”
“Did your Talent feel weird or something after she opened the door? I figured you'd be a lot more talkative to a mare like that.” Hardy asked, eyes tracking the passing traffic.
“Not exactly my type. And no, no burning flanks or anything like that, but I guess things just felt a little…off. Don't think she was lying, though. And yours?”
“Probably just indigestion. All that greasy diner food must be getting to you.” The stallion chuckled and patted the other’s belly. “I felt fine.”
Juniper frowned, shrugging as he adjusted himself in his seat. “Guess she just wasn’t what I expected. So, Spring Breeze is a mare living a dream come true that’s slowly turning into a nightmare. First she and her stallion start being distant, then arguing, then when she tries to vent to a mutual friend one too many times he starts getting jealous and paranoid.”
Hardy idly nods, the scene forming in his mind’s eye so clearly it may as well have been memory. He’d seen more than enough cases like that. “Yep. No surprise how it goes down when she plans her big event. He comes home, saucy letter on the counter, place set up like a fancy hotel…”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
The door slams shut as Garnet Granite steps hooves onto the carpet. Tired, frustrated, the pony’s only saving grace to a terrible day is the hint of something special going on. The scent of flowers in the air, the soft music of his favourite song playing on that crusty old gramophone his marefriend inherited, and the cursive - seductive - writing of his special somepony addressed to him.
His heart warms, a weight begins to lift from his shoulders and a smile begins to form. The memories come rushing back. She’d remembered! After all this time, he was beginning to worry they were growing distant. He works his ass off while she just spends all day on hers - no, this isn’t the time for that.
She greets him with a warm smile, a kiss on the cheek, and with an...eager look in her eyes. Makeup on and wearing a pretty little dress, she doesn’t even mind his own dishevelled appearance. He thanks her, grateful and excited, he wraps his hooves around her neck, glancing toward their bedroom and what else she has in store, an orange -
The memories come rushing back.
Rage.
[Alternatively: The memories come rushing back. His grip tightens. She shrinks away, shaking her head once she spies the cause out of the corner of her eye. He accosts the interloper. She denies him, says it isn’t what he thinks. That he has it wrong.
He rages. He won’t believe her lies, not this time.]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“You know, with a name like that wouldn’t have been half surprised if the Jewelers were involved in this somehow. Dealing with their messes certainly puts me on edge.” Hardy mused. “Don’t know how Sweets does it.”
“Sweet Shine would’ve broken their legs or started an orgy. Maybe both? Sometimes I wonder if the job rubs off on her.” Juniper thrummed his hooves on the wheel as he waited for the lights to turn green at an empty intersection. Another shining example of Detrot bureaucracy. “...so the two stallions start a fight, and miss unicorn gets her perfect evening turned upside down. They don’t hold back, and she gets caught in the crossfire…”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
She was sorry. For whatever mistakes she made, for whatever slights she caused, she was sorry. Was this what she deserved? Her punishment?   
Spring Waves’ cries could have broken glass, and that wouldn’t have stopped the brawl tearing up her home. Plates smashed, furniture overturned, the wet cracks of breaking bone. Tears streamed unbidden down her face as she cowered, the love of her life and her best friend - no, their best friend - ripping each other to pieces.
Garnet grunted as a kick from Cloud hit him right in the sternum. He reeled, coughing blood before rushing him down and pinning him by the wing, then, a slick pop. The pegasus screamed, even louder now as he scrambled to get free.
Perhaps he was right about her. Lazy, selfish, caring only about hers and hers alone. And now she betrayed him for his best friend. It would be so easy. Ignore his pleas for help, his cries in her name, and submit to him once he has had his way. All she’d have to do is keep quiet and...
...no. Whatever he thinks of her, she can’t let this happen. This is not the pony she fell in love with, and she’d stop this here and now. Her lungs burned one last time as she yelled her demands, charging forward and horn alight to do something, anything to stop him. She jumped onto him, throwing her full weight and -
Her grip faltered, her senses tumbled. Spring Waves flew for a brief moment, before slamming head first against the wall. She felt a sharp pressure at the base of her horn and like a snap - Spring Waves was no more.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“She just wanted to make things right with her coltfriend, and if I were her I’d probably do the same. Pull in some help, play the nostalgia card…” Hard Boiled yawned to fight off the sleep setting in.
“She couldn’t have known he’d snap like that - not in that way. Guess she was too focused on the play and not enough on the audience.” The green stallion turned the car around the corner that would lead them right back to the Castle. “Still, guy must’ve been feeling like a sack of dragon dung once he realized what he’d done. Well, enough to…”
“Yeah.”  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
There was a lot of blood. Blood on his hooves, on his face, on his tongue. The whiskey couldn’t wash the memory away.  
He couldn’t believe it. What was he-
This had to be a dream. It had to be just a dream.
Garnet blinked. No changes. The dining table was still overturned.
Blink. Cloud lay motionless on the carpet, his blood was still warm. That damn song was still playing.
Blink again. His chest hurt with every breath, and he was barely breathing. Spring still lay slumped in the corner, like a solitary flower above a barren landscape. Still beautiful. Still dead.  
In minutes, his life went to Tartarus, and he was sure there was no coming back. Not from these wounds. Not from this mess. This...guilt. Sorrow.
There was only one thing he could think to do. The kitchen knife sat on the counter, somehow untouched. Beckoning him. The whiskey would numb the pain, though he was sure he deserved worse. Too late for that. Eyes closed, he imagined one last scene. One last fantasy.
Glass clinked as he saw a friend’s laugh, a lover’s smile.
Hoof shaking, he raised the half empty bottle in a toast to what could have been - what should have been, and drank it all.
It tasted salty.
Hardy’s and Juniper’s ears perked when they walked back in through the garage door. They expected the sound of typewriters, the chatter of bored ponies, and the rumble of the File Cloud above. And only one of those things was present.
“Enjoy your date?”
The stallions winced. Walking into a quiet room just to hear a voice from behind was never a good sign. They could only turn as slowly as they could to delay the inevitable-
“Oh Celestia’s teats! It’s just you, Telly.”
“Don’t ‘just you Telly’ me, eggy! I’m stuck here pulling triple pancake overtime after everypony’s left because you two decided to take the afternoon off to spend some quality time together looking at dead bodies.”
“Oh, erm...sorry?”
“Don’t be. That was a complete lie.” Telly snapped back right back to her usual self, unfolding a note out from behind her and clearing her throat. “Ahem! It gives me great pleasure to inform you two, that Chief Iris Jade has found out about you two running off - as I said she would - and has seen fit to empower me with meting out your punishment.”
She folded the note closed and grinned so wide Juniper wasn’t sure if she was going to cuff them, or eat them. “Which means I have you two alone, all to myself.”
“Telly, I don’t think-”
“Patience, Juniper, I’m not done yet. So, seeing as the Chief has noticed your eagerness to handle every little call that comes through, she’s seen fit to entrust you two with the responsibility of handling such cases, and all the paperwork it entails, till the holiday comes. In addition to helping me.”
Hard Boiled groaned. Juniper did as well, just not as obviously. Extra work was the bane of any working pony.
“Aw, don’t be too sad. I’m not that mean! Now, what did you two find out?”
“Here.” Juniper hoofed over the file, along with the notes they took down. “Turns out it was actually three ponies. Relationship troubles, it looks like. Couple too busy with work to pay attention to each other, stallion grows cold, mare seeks comfort with a friend...except she tries to make the effort to rebuild their relationship, but the stallion’s grown jealous, and flips out when he sees the friend helping her out on the big night. Fight breaks out, mare’s collateral, friend gets bludgeoned to death, stallion realizes what he’s done when it’s all over and stabs himself.”
“Wow...that’s...actually kinda sad. Hearts and Hooves is supposed to be a time for stories like that to have a happy ending.” Telly opened the file and flicked through the contents. “There’s an awful lot of detail on their relationship here…”
“That’s from the mare’s relationship counsellor.” Hardy pointed out. “She knew their situation, and was more than eager to help out. Still got to actually write the report though…”
“Well, that can wait for tomorrow.” Telly flipped the file shut and put it aside. “You can handle this in the morning. Along with everything else.”
Hardy and Juniper arched their brows.
“...What? It’s late and the longer I stay here the more I just wanna go home. Don’t you? Or would you rather remove staples from the recycling bin again?”
“Telly was nice enough to let us go without much trouble, I don't doubt for a second that if Jade decided to stay a little longer we'd both be…Scarlet? Did you just fall asleep on me?” Some annoyance went into my nudging of the pony beside me. No pony's slept on one of my stories before!
“m'not sleeping…” Scarlet mumbled into my side. He took his time ‘waking up’, a process that could've given Swift's family name a run for their money. “y'voice…jus too smooth…”
“You know Hardy, this is the first I've ever really heard you talk about Juniper Shores. What-”
It was at that moment the door decided to slam open and let a couple more ponies inside.
“Hardy! I knew I'd find you here! And with S-oh!” Taxi blinked, taking the split second to process the sight of Scarlet kneeling over my prone body faster than the gleeful grin threatening to split her face. “Let me the first to say: I am just so proud of you right now.”.
“S-sorry Sir! I didn't know you'd be, uh, occupied.” Swift looked away, practically shielding herself with a wing. Not that it covered much. At least it seemed she still had a semblance of shame…not that it helped my case.
“I trust that you two have taken adequate…precautions?” The unicorn intoned, looking almost bored, which for him was intrigue. But there was no hiding the redness of his ears.
“Celestia’s damn-it's not like that, okay?!” I sat myself up on the bed, can't expect to be taken seriously lying on your back.
“Well what is it then?” Taxi teased. “Because it certainly looks like you're getting outta that dry spell of yours - trust me Scar, Hardy's been pent up for ages!” She winked none too subtly. If I were a unicorn, my glare could have melted steel. Unfortunately, like every time before, angry looks did little to stop Taxi once she got going.
“We…really didn't do anything like that, though. The sheets were just changed! And I can guarantee they're still clean.” Scarlet backed me up with a wistful smile, then coughed into his hoof, muttering. “Not that I'd complain…”
“Hardy was actually just telling me a story! It was from a Hearts and Hooves day a few years ago, when he and his old partner went off chasing a call because they were stuck pushing papers all day. Then it turns out that call was actually for three ponies, and it was a couple that had been trying to patch things up until the stallion saw a friend of theirs with his marefriend and flew into a jealous rage and then...they...all...died…” The young stallion’s animated description slowly turned flat, frowning, ears pinned back. “It's actually really quite sad.”
“Juniper…?” Realization dawned on her face like a dragon that smelled blood in the air, then laughed. “Oh, oh! I remember that! You'll love that story. Mind if Swift and Lim sit in on this too?”
“Would it change things if I said no?” I matched her tone. Not that I would truly have minded, but stubborn old me always had a contrarian streak. “I only started because Scarlet asked first, so…”
“Well Sir, if you don't really want to…” Swift started, but her perked ears and stance betrayed any politeness she was trying to show.
“What she means is: ‘I understand, but I want to hear it anyway.’” Limerence stepped closer as well, the hint of a sheepish smile on his face as Swift shot him a look. “What? I would too. Father mentioned Juniper Shores at times, he seemed like an interesting stallion.”
“Actually, I don't mind at all! The more the merrier, I always say.” Scarlet chimed in with the kind of eagerness I'd expect to hear during his work. Taxi nodded.
“Well, for one, we both know you can't stop a story once you get going. Two, you like having an audience.” Taxi put a hoof around Swift and Limerence each and brought them forward. “So, no! I suppose not.”
“Don't worry.” She smirked. “I'll be sure to butt in at any parts you get wrong.”
“Right…” I rolled my eyes. “Gather ‘round then, I suppose.”
Swift was on the bed in the blink of an eye, notepad out and practically bouncing as Scarlet moved around beside her. Sweets decided to claim a side of the bed for her own, and Limerence brought over a chair from the corner. I managed to make myself comfortable against the headboard.
“So you all heard what Scarlet said, and that's pretty much the long and short of it. Now where the case really gets interesting was the day after…”