Star Wars: Rogue Pun

by Barrobroadcaster

Rating: teen
Tags: Star Wars, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Original Character, Science Fiction, Comedy, Adventure, Derpy Hooves, Crossover, Wonderbolts
Length: 7677

Derpy has a very personal problem with the Empire's latest plot against the galaxy and so enlists outside help to deal with it.

A very Derpy Star Wars story.

Holocommunicators, datapads, cell phones, the galaxy is full of ways creatures from all corners can communicate. But some of them just enjoy the sensation of an old-fashioned hoof-delivered letter, and all are happy to receive one from the famous Derpy Hooves. A cheerful parcel from the Ponyville postal service is the perfect way to start the day... and for some, it's the perfect vector for an attack.

The mail is sacred to Derpy, and when her responsibility is threatened, she's determined to restore the sanctity of her job. What follows is a search across the galaxy to discover the source of the dastardly plan to sabotage Ponyville's postal service with something a lot worse than junk mail.

Published 2018-01-30 02:40:05 UTC
Last updated 2018-05-17 05:13:32 UTC

Prologue: Delivered One Morning

Canterlot
Pony Joe's Diner
8:28 a.m.

"Top ya off, pal?"

"Absolutely, thanks."

"Don't mention it," Joe said, pouring him a fresh cup of coffee all the way to the brim. "Anything for you, Phil."

Phil grinned, made sure not to smile too wide. He knew Pony Joe meant what he said literally, disguising the meaning in the simplicity of a kind gesture. That kind of appreciation was nice to have, but tended to draw eyes if it lingered for too long. Both Pony Joe and Phil knew it was best if Phil wasn't noticed by many.

Phil, or Alliance Intelligence Lieutenant Phillip Hadley, was the Canterlot contact for the Rebel Alliance. His job mostly consisted of keeping an eye on things and making reports back to Sigma Base, watching the Empire's activities in the city closely. It wasn't very exciting. Intelligence operatives usually intervened only when intelligence could be gained, which was rare and considered risky. But, when the Empire landed on Equestria and established itself in Canterlot, Phil made a point of looking out for the citizens.

When the Empire classified certain types of dough and frosting as "potential hazardous vectors," Pony Joe's business was threatened. Agent Hadley made a good impression with Joe and the local bakers of Canterlot when the Imperial edict was mysteriously altered and no longer applied to Equestrian goods. The odd exemption was just bizarre enough to make local officials believe it had been added last-second by a quirky moff or governor, and so enforced it to the letter. Diners and bakeries stayed open and from then on, most store owners were more than happy to give the agent responsible a free drink.

He sipped his coffee and read his copy of the The Canterlot Chronicler. Part of being a spy was keeping up with current events. A few dignitaries were visiting from the Buffalo League, a flower shop was having an arrangement contest, the city's Imperial garrison commander was giving a seminar on vigilance. Not much going on, but that in itself presented its own opportunities. An article that did catch his eye was a new store opening in town- a new location of the Bumani Exchange Corporation. They were a front for a crime syndicate, meaning it might be worth investigating.

More ponies arrived, a few aliens like himself mixed in with the crowd. Joe divided his time between baking and serving the counter where Phil was, a recently-purchased serving droid waited tables and booths. A brown pegasus delivery pony entered carrying a mailbag.

"Hey, Joe! Busy day, eh?"

"Busy? Buddy, we aren't even in season yet!" Joe said, shouting over his shoulder and his patrons. "This is just Tuesday morning! Come back during the Summer Sun Celebration, see the kind of crowd that packs in then."

"I'll have to see that myself, heh heh." Phil was hit in the back of the head by the mailbag as the pegasus flew over, nearly spilling his coffee. "Sorry, sorry. Hey, sorry- uh, Joe? You got a minute?"

"Does it look like I have a minute?"

"Sorry, got a C.O.D for ya."

Pony Joe rolled his eyes, set down a tray of fresh donuts and a fresh pot of coffee, had to smack a couple greedy appendages, one of which was a hoof, away from the tray. Phil went back to reading the paper.

"Hey, uh-you. Hey, Phil? Phil Hadley?"

"Yeah?"

Joe walked over to him. "One of these is yours, bub."

"What?"

"Look for yourself- it's addressed to you." Phil took the letter, a single flimsy card. Not even an envelope; it was just folded over.

"I thought Derpy delivered Canterlot's mail."

"Nah, uh, she's got the day off today. I'm filling in."

"Uh huh." His mind just began to process the strange circumstance when his commlink started going off.

"Base to Top Hat, please respond. Base to Top Hat, please come in."

His eyes darted around. Not a chance he'd be able to keep this discreet. When you can't keep it discreet, keep it brief. "Go ahead."

"Top Hat, this is Base- two agents are down in Appleloosa. What is your status?"

"I'm fine," he tried to whisper into the mic. Rebel Intelligence knew not to contact him unless absolutely necessary, meaning it was either an emergency or- the envelope! He flicked it out of his hands like it was poison. It landed behind the counter. "Repeat, this is Top Hat, situation normal. Am I compromised?"

"...Not that we can tell." A pause before the response. It wasn't the voice of his handler and they weren't following intelligence protocol. Something was off. "We're putting you on alert. Exfiltrate if necessary, do not return to Base or fallback positions."

"Copy," he said. Behind the counter, Pony Joe served a guy sitting a couple chairs away from him and noticed his commlink.

"If you need to use the pay phone, it's in the back."

"No, uh, thanks Joe. Sorry; just got a-uh, call from work."

"Oh," Joe said, nodding slowly. "Hope it's good news."

Still clutching the commlink, he pulled a fistful of Bits out of his coat pocket and left it on the counter. "Keep the change, Joe." He got up and started for the door. Phil didn't notice Joe leaning down to pick up something.

"Hey- Phil, you drop something?"

His eyes went wide. He spun around. "Joe, don't-!"

*BLAAM* The letter exploded like a grenade. Green flames filled the diner, the windows shattered, people and ponies screamed. There was a hole in the ceiling right above the kitchen and smoke was already rising out of it.

Coughing, Phil struggled to stand. Donuts, broken plates and spilled coffee all over the floor. His eyes stung, his vision was blurry but returning. Ears ringing, he braced himself on a chair to pull himself up. "Medic!" He coughed hard into his sleeve. "MEDIC! Paramedics!!"

The counter had been scorched, nothing on it that wasn't blackened. The diner was full of smoke. The patrons not on the ground scrambled out the doors, coughing. Phil was the only one standing who remained. "Medics! Joe!" He pulled himself around the counter, back to the kitchen. Squinting, he saw Joe on the ground, motionless. "Joe!!"

His hat and white uniform were both burnt, as was the side of his face. Green embers littered the ground. "JOE! No, Joe!"

Phil knelt over him. "JOE!!" His medical training was not extensive. He pulled out his commlink. "Base! Base, come in! We need a medical team at Canterlot! Pony Joe's diner! Now!" He pocketed it, not waiting for a response. Remembering what little he knew from training, he put his hand over the pony's chest and started compression. "Joe! Come on, Joe! Joe! JOE!!"

Alliance Intelligence Lieutenant Phillip Hadley screamed as loud as he could, in spite of the fires and the smoke. He screamed for Joe and paramedics until his lungs gave out and he collapsed on the floor next to him amid the destroyed plates and spilled coffee. His ears stopped ringing and he heard the sirens of one of the ambulances before he passed out.

From a cloud high above Canterlot, the postal pegasus who had delivered the 'letter' watched the rising smoke.

Chapter 1: Supply Run

Morvassa System, Western Reaches
Space station Amity's Leap, Equestrian Deep Space colony and Outreach center

Being in between an asteroid belt and Morvass Prime, the space station Amity's Leap found the space around it a little crowded. It was even more crowded now with a group of Rebel ships and an Imperial task force fighting directly in front of it.

Five Imperial Arquitens-class light cruisers were blocking the escape of a trio of Rebel GR-75 transports, two U-Wing dropships and their escort, Aurora, a single modified Rebel cruiser. The Rebel cruiser was larger than the Imperial ships but couldn't hope to match the five Imperial vessels. Instead, they relied on their single fighter squadron for help. But Rebel fighter squadrons were legendary; the courage and skill of their pilots and the amazing capabilities of their ships was renowned everywhere. The Rebel Alliance had some of the best starfighter pilots in the entire galaxy.

They also had Dice Squadron.

"AAAAHHHHH! AHAAAHHHHHAA!!!"

"PLEASE! If you're gonna scream, can you NOT do it into your headset?!"

"I've got three on me!! They're right behind me- I've lost thruster control on my number-two engine!! HELP!!"

"Hang on, Janna, I got it," Brett said. He pulled his Y-Wing around so he was in position behind the trio of TIE Strikers chasing his wingmate. He narrowed his eyes, focusing on the three craft. "Hey Jan? Can you roll to your right, please?"

"What?! AAHH!" Green laser blasts shot past her, almost grazing her Y-Wing.

"Just roll to your right a little bit, I'm trying to line up a shot."

"I can't turn right, Brett! My thruster control on my right engine is gone, remember?!"

"Calm down, I said ROLL to the right. You can still turn left and control your pitch, right?"

"Right what?!"

Brett sighed. "Turn left, dive with the right engine and climb with the left engine so it rolls you to the right. And hurry, will ya? Can't expect me to hold this ion charge forever."

"AAHHH!" Streaks of green filled the space her craft had occupied just as she performed the roll.

Brett grinned. He released the trigger on his ion cannons. A blue bolt shot from the guns on his canopy and struck the starboard-side TIE Striker on its port-side wing. The arrow-shaped TIE craft then performed a roll of its own to port, directly into its wingmate in the center. The middle TIE smashed into the port-side TIE and the three ships exploded in single blast.

"Ahh, there we go. See? Was that so hard?"

"YES!"

"Dice Leader, our escape vector is still blocked. We're running out of time, Brett," the voice of the Aurora's captain, Kayla Tresso, was more critically chastising of Brett than an actual analysis of the situation. It was expected.

Brett pulled his Y-Wing in a sharp bank. He eyed the space station. "Just a little more time, Aurora. She hasn't let us down yet."

Deep inside Amity's Leap, Stormtroopers were begin their "routine inspection," a supposedly standard procedure to check for contraband, hazardous materials and criminal/Rebel activity. The ritual, which had been repeated regularly on planets and space stations across the galaxy, involved a cheerful gray-clad Imperial officer politely informing the occupants of the inspection proceeded by a battalion of Stormtroopers ruthlessly ransacking the station compartment by compartment.

"Move. Move! Get out."
"Need a scanning crew here!"
"Scanning crew to Deck-six, Module-B, compartment forty-two."

"Sweetie, come. Let's go now."
"I don't understand this. We've complied with all Imperial regulations."
"This cannot be legal! You can't just barge in here, whenever you please and-"

All throughout the station, the sounds of the upheaval carried. Some ponies objected, a few were lightly disciplined by security but the Stormtroopers continued their fruitless search regardless. Unbeknownst to them, and most on the station, what they were looking for was right above them.

Derpy Hooves wasn't part of the Rebel Alliance officially, but this was her mission. Stealthily, she sneaked on the high ceilings of the Residential Deck's corridors. Some ponies noticed her, even recognized her but the Stormtroopers didn't; they were too busy searching through belongings. Always looking down on those beneath them, they had little reason to look up.

She checked her mailbag for the package, feeling its unique weight to tell her she hadn't dropped it. The scuffles below were a hazard she did not want to get wrapped up in. Nothing could interfere with her mission; thankfully, her target wasn't in the mess below. Derpy's goal was on the opposite side of the deck near the control center for the station's ADS(Asteroid Defense System) cannons.

No one noticed her as she crept along the ceiling in her stealth suit, mail bag pressed on her back so it wouldn't dangle. Like a ninja, she leaped between the lights and ducts overhead, only sparing the occasional glance down to make sure she wasn't spotted. Finally, when she was close to her destination, she dropped down to the deck and entered the door to the ADS center.

"Hi Mr. Perrymint!"

The older pony rotated in his chair. "Oh, hi there... err, Derpy," he said, adjusting his glasses. "Good to see you, how have you been?"

"I'm fine, thanks! Just another day in the postal service!"

"Well, how nice." Mr. Perrymint said. "Hope those ehh, stormer troopers haven't given you much trouble."

"Oh no, nope, not at all," Derpy said, batting the notion away. "How about you? How's it been managing this huge space colony?"

"Oh, can't complain, hehe," the elder pony said. Outside the viewport of the small room, the Rebel and Imperial starfighters exchanged fire. A pair of Y-Wings blazed by with a group of TIE Strikers behind them, engines screeching silently in space. The space station rocked as a laser blast exploded nearby.

"Things sure have gotten busy lately though, I must say." The brightly-colored beams and bursts lit up his lenses. Even Derpy could see the battle was nothing more than a sequence of blurs on his glasses.

"They sure have."

The old pony tapped his chin. "Why, it was just the other day that I..." He trailed off, beginning a series of three separate tales which weren't really relevant to anything going on or each other.

Back in space, the battle raged. It was largely a stalemate; the Rebel fighters were able to hold off the TIEs but there were lots of them. The Aurora and the transports tried to maneuver towards gaps in between the Imperial cruisers, but each time they went after small space to squeeze by, the ships closed it up. With the asteroids around them and the space station to their starboard, there was no where else they could go.

"Here's four more, Gary, you want to ion or just blast 'em?"

"What? What do you mean? Just shoot them!"

"Ehh," Brett shrugged, knowing his wingman couldn't see him. "I'm trying to mix things up a bit."

"Now's not the time to experiment, Brett!"

"Okay, fine, blast them and then tell me one good time when it is!" Red lances shot from their cannons and tore into the wings of two of the TIE Fighters in front of them. The two on the outside banked hard in opposite directions to avoid the second laser volley from the Y-Wings. "See? They broke off. If we'd used a single ion shot each, then-"

"Brett, our escape vector is still blocked! Where's this miracle you promised?!"

"It's coming, captain. I'm sure she's just finishing up!"

Back in the space station...

"And that was the forty-second time we saw the Loch Ness Monster, and that time he was disguised as Danny DeVito and he brought his wife along with him."

"Did you give him tree fiddy again?"

"Now, I was just gettin' to that. You see-"

"Dice Leader! Where in the hell is our exit vector?! We're getting overwhelmed, here!" The U-Wing pilot's voice was more pissed than panicked, usually a good sign. It meant they had at least a few seconds before rage at him turned to abject fear of their chances.

The Imperial cruisers were beginning to close on them. It was bold of the Imps to approach; they were clearly hungry for the kill to press the attack. The ships held their formation to prevent gaps in their defense while approaching at a steady speed. With the Rebels' backs to the rocky wall

Unfortunately, Brett was starting to get concerned. His eyes looked at the space station. "I'm sure she'll be done any second now!"

"-then there was the hundred and seventeenth time we saw the Loch Ness Monster-"

And now that concern was turning into icy gut-wrenching fear. Brett couldn't see into the space station and had no way of knowing that Derpy was just standing around listening to a rambling old man retell his life story, but somehow, he had a feeling Derpy was just standing around listening to a rambling old man retell his life story.

"You know what, maybe I oughta call her."

"YOU THINK?!"

Brett keyed his commlink. "Derpy! It's Brett! How close are you?" She didn't respond. "Derpy? Derpy?!"

"-and that time, he almost got away with our tree fiddy but."

Brett swallowed hard. "Okay, there might be a problem on her end. Dice Squadron, form up on me."

"I still can't turn left!"

"Really? We just talked about this; turn right to go left!"

"AAAYeeeeeGAAA!" The twelve Y-Wings of Dice Squadron formed up in a single V-shape, banking around the Aurora and the U-Wings back towards the cruisers. All five Imperial ships were still making their way towards them, now covering half the station's length.

Brett hit the toggle for the ion cannons again and squeezed the fire trigger. "Alright, we're gonna have to go to plan b. Dice-two-through-six, charge ion cannons and link to my target. Seven-through-twelve, arm proton torpedoes and do the same."

"Copy, Leader."

"I copy, Leader."

"Gonna have to do this the old fashioned way. Dice Leader to Aurora, you're about to get your exit."

"About time!"

He rolled his eyes. Focus- there was only one shot at this. With all twelve Y-Wings together, they could take out one of the cruisers and hammer one or two of the others. This would give the U-Wings an opening to fly out and then the Rebel cruiser could push its way on through. It was risky, but they could afford to attempt this strategy now that most of the TIEs had been destroyed. If they hadn't, the transports would've been vulnerable and Dice Squadron's Y-Wings were their only escort.

It wasn't their first plan, but it was workable. Brett knew they could pull it off, even with Dice Five- Janna's thruster problem. With his squad on his wing, Brett lined up one of the Imperial ships' bridges in his crosshairs.

And then three more Imperial ships jumped in.

"Aw sithshit."

"Imperial escort carriers! They're targeting our-" The captain's voice was cut off abruptly. The narrow harpoon-shaped Imperial escort carriers fired almost the same moment as they'd exited hyperspace. The shots from their cannons were about as powerful as the ones on the cruisers but had almost twice the range. Even from behind the three cruisers, they were able to hit the Aurora with precision.

Not only that, the escort carriers had deployed friends the moment they dropped in: TIE Hunters.

"Fire! Fire! Fire!" Blue bolts erupted from the Y-Wings followed by the scorching streaks of proton torpedoes. Dice Squadron unloaded everything, not at the cruiser but at the three full squadrons of TIE Hunters being deployed. A few unlucky TIEs were surprised by the volley and weren't able to dodge. They were struck by the ion cannons and spun helplessly, drained of power. The proton torpedoes were slower but at least threw the TIEs off balance for a moment.

Dice Squadron broke formation and their attack at the same time, pulling a complete U-turn back towards the other Rebel ships.

"What the hell happened to your plan, Brett?!"

"What the hell do we do now?!?!"

Brett fumbled with his commlink, finally getting it up to his mouth. "Hello? Hello?! Anybody hear me?!"

"You're not calling Derpy again are you?!"

"I'm calling everybody! HELP! HEEELLLP!"

Chapter 2: The Den

"After all that, I thought that'd be the last time we saw the Loch Ness Monsta but then-"

Derpy continued nodding, listening attentively, until she felt something buzzing at her side. It was her commlink. "Oh, excuse me, Mr. Perrymint. I have to take this call- it might be important!"

"Ahh, okie dokie. Well, nice seein' ya anyway, Derpy. Always good to see you."

She reached into her saddlebag and pulled out her commlink. "Oh, uh, could you do me a favor? I almost forgot."

"Hmm? Whatcha need?"

"Hold on, errrmmmm," she pulled out a note. "Okay, ummm... could you please redirect the station's asteroid defense cannons? To fire at the Imperial fleet? Kay, thanks, love the Rebel Alliance. That's a note from them."

Mr. Perrymint's eyes lit up. "Ohh, is that what they want me to do? Well, I think that can be arranged." The elder pony keyed in a sequence of commands on his console. The station's cannons began to react.

"Thaaanks." She stepped out and answered her commlink. "Hi, you've reached Derpy Hooves- we never fail to bring your mail!"

"DERPY! DERPY-AAAHHH!"

"Hi Brett!"

Brett turned left carefully, another TIE Hunter coming into view. The TIE banked inward and came at him head-on, same as the last four. The moment it did, Brett squeezed the trigger of his laser cannons and blasted the TIE Hunter to pieces. He then resumed turning left and yet another TIE Hunter came into view. It pulled sharply towards him, he fired and blasted it. It was all he could do to keep moving and firing. Because there were sixteen more TIEs behind him.

"DERPY! Thank the Force! We need the defense cannons to fire on the Imperial fleet! HURRY! Tell the gunner- TELL THE GUNNER NOW!"

"Oh. But I already did that."

"What?!" Brett then jolted as a massive orange bolt lanced above his cockpit canopy, a scant few meters above his craft. Another one streaked by and then another, and another. Orange rays hurtled across the starry vista, fast but still slower than any laser. They had come from the station's automated asteroid defense cannons. But they weren't aiming at asteroids.

The orange beams struck the Imperial cruisers and escort carriers. The bulkier Imperial ships might have been able to evade the shots if they hadn't been so close, if they hadn't caught them completely off guard. The anti-asteroid beams were designed to destabilize meteors and other large objects by creating a resonance and heat within the rock and metal objects, breaking them down until the station's shields and armor simply dissipated them. Now, the Imperial ships knew what it was like to be those rocks.

The cruiser closest to the station was overwhelmed by the first volley. Its shields deflected the first few shots but then buckled. The streaks scorched black the cruiser's armor until it began to vibrate. The entire frame shook and exploded from the inside, ripping to pieces in a giant ball of fire. The escort carrier to its aft was hit by the initial volley as well; the station had plenty of cannons, being so close to an asteroid field. The escort carrier pitched from the force of the blasts it absorbed, exposing its belly to the withering fire. Its shields fell quickly and its mid section was burned until it exploded as well, becoming another burst of intense flame.

"Look! The station's guns are working!"

"NICE!"

Brett whooped. "WOO! I told you she wouldn't let me down!"

"Don't you mean US?!" Gary's voice chastised him.

"Ha, of course, Gar!" He yanked the throttle back towards the Imperials. Even the TIEs were caught off guard by the unexpected development. They swarmed but were having trouble coordinating their attacks.

"Let's take out the rest of these TIEs while they're confused! Break by pairs and engage at will!" The Y-Wings paired up began hunting down the TIE Hunters, an easy task now that they weren't on the defensive.

The other big Imperial ships tried to react: two cruisers and both of the remaining escort carriers turned to bring their weapons to bear against the station. But the asteroid defense cannons had a massive range- the Imperials didn't. The asteroid defense cannons made quick work of the three ships that tried to attack it. The other escort carriers and one of the cruisers tried to turn and run, but they found that as hard as the Rebels had earlier. The cannons simply turned and made short work of the two ships that tried to flee. That left one remaining.

"Good work, Dice Squadron. We're ready to make the jump to hyperspace- pass along our thanks to Amity's Leap!"

"Copy, Aurora." Brett grinned. A bit unnerving in the middle, but all in all, the mission was a resounding success. He looked out his viewport and gunned the throttle. It just wasn't quite over yet.

The last of the U-Wings hyperspaced out full of supplies. "Everybody, form up on me. We got one last target." The final Imperial cruiser was retreating through the asteroid field, its only escape vector. The ship's cannons fired at the asteroids it couldn't evade, twisting and turning in a frantic attempt at escape. It was already outside the range of the station's defense cannons. But it wasn't out of the range of Dice Squadron.

"Scope check, Leader? They're retreating. I see no other target on my scope."

"Yeah, Brett, they're retreating."

"Just like we were trying to do," Brett pointed out.

"Like we should be doing right now," Gary fired back. "They're not a threat, Brett. There's no point in going after them."

Brett didn't slow down. His squad was forced to keep up. "They'd do the same to us, wouldn't they? Besides, they know they saw the station fire on their group so they know the ponies are on our side. We can't let them tell their superiors."

"I thought the Imps already knew the ponies were with us. Besides, there are still stormtroopers on the station," Gary argued. "C'mon, Brett, this is reven-"

"Throttle up and that's an order," Brett barked, teeth gritted. "This asshole isn't getting away." Dice Squadron's Y-Wings went into the asteroid belt. Smaller bits of asteroid were deflected by the crafts' shields but they had to avoid anything larger than a toaster. Even the tinier fragments of space rock could be damaging if they were traveling fast enough, or if you were.

Jan's Y-Wing pulled away as the group entered the belt. "Brett, I'm staying behind. My engines are shot anyway."

"That's fine, Janna, watch our exit vector. How's your hyper?"

"Still online... for now."

"Alright, be ready for a quick jump. We're gonna make this quick, arm proton torpedoes," he ordered. He thumbed the button activating his secondaries. The crosshairs digitally painted onto his viewport changed from a green sight to an orange diamond. He only had two proton torpedoes left, as did his squad. They would have to make every torpedo count.

The cruiser was coming up. Dice Squadron was effectively following its wake; as the larger ship pushed through the asteroid field, it would have to shoot the larger asteroids and power through the smaller ones. It was worse for the cruiser, being too large to dodge anything, but a smart helmsman could potentially minimize the damage. The only question was if their shields, armor and hull would hold through the abuse they had to take in order to reach the other side.

The asteroids continued tumbling violently ahead of them, the telltale sign that the larger ship was just ahead. Brett had to weave his fighter over a larger one coming up, his wingmates went around. Some of the asteroids ahead of them exploded violently in silent bursts of flame. The cruiser's lasers were ignited compressed gas pockets inside the asteroids themselves. He checked his squadron readout: eleven green lights, including his and one yellow- Jan's. The squad was keeping pace with him.

"We're almost on him, keep up the throttle. Prepare to fire on my target." He just started to make out the glow of the cruiser's engines, a trio of white lights twisting and turning. The lights were in a vertical line- the helmsman was keeping the ship at a knife's edge to cut through the asteroids. Faster but risky; it left the ship's underbelly exposed. The enemy helmsman was good. Very good.

Brett lined up the orange diamond on the ship's engines. "Almost there. Almost..." The trio of lights danced in the distance. The diamond targeting reticle turned red. "Getting a lock! All wings-"

"URSA! URSA!!"

The first rock nearly smashed into his cockpit canopy. Brett had time to just barely see the Ursa Minor on an asteroid to his port side before the space bear chucked another stone at him. The blue, translucent star-bear snarled, a roar that magically penetrated the vacuum of space.

"SHIT!" Brett juked right to avoid the second rock flung by the ursa. And ran right into the second.

"Raaaarrr!" He pulled right instinctively but it was too late. A massive claw raked the side of his ship, ripping right through shields and armor and hull to the sensitive equipment underneath. In actuality, the Ursa Minor was just swatting the rude Y-Wing that had woken him and his clan up from space hibernation. It hadn't even been that hard; the Ursa was so powerful that even a swat had enough raw strength behind it to cut through armor. They used their claws to make dens in asteroid fields, after all.

"BRETT! BRETT THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!!"

"I've lost starboard engine! I can't-*krsssshhhht!*"

Brett pulled up. It was the only thing he could think to do. "PULL UP! Full thrusters, everyone, pull-" But then his ship shook. All of a sudden, the stars stopped moving. He put more power into the engines, but they took him nowhere. The controls felt slack in his grip, like he'd lost all control. The rocks tumbled around him, his ship's engines burned hot but he didn't move forward.

"Brett! Brett, it's got-!" Gary's voice cut out abruptly. Red alarms flashed on his controls.

And all of a sudden, Brett felt a sickening feeling in his stomach. As if a tractor beam had latched onto him, he was pulled backwards. The star field shrank as his ship was pulled down, down by an unseen force, back towards the asteroids. Finally, it stopped and then suddenly, he was flipped over.

Something else came into view: a giant, translucent purple face. The Ursa Major. His ship was caught in the bear's enormous fingers, roughly the size of a dragonfly to the bear. The purple mother bear removed its ear muffs and glared at Brett.

"ARRRRRAAAAAARRRRRR!!"

Chapter 3: Sweet and Salty

The roar was so loud it cracked the glass of Brett's instrument panel. The viewport was thick but even it wouldn't stand up to the force of the Ursa's roar, or its teeth. He swallowed, his heart was racing and his entire body was cold. The Ursa Major could eat him and his ship in a single bite.

The bear groggily worked his ship over in its fingers, examining it. The translucent fur of the bear squeezed the hull, but fortunately caused no further damage. The spinning, however, was beginning to make him feel dizzy as the inertial compensators struggled to keep up with the random motions.

He dared not touch the controls. His mind raced with possibilities. He could try to fire his weapons, but he didn't even know what was still online. He could try to radio for help, but he didn't know if anyone even could or if the commlink worked. He couldn't jump to hyperspace or escape with the colossal purple space bear holding him between its fingers. His only good fortune was that the bear, for whatever reason, had yet to either squish his craft or discern whether or not it was edible.

Maybe he should go down fighting. Let the bear eat him, blow it up from the inside out somehow. That idea involved getting eaten, so he didn't like it, but maybe he was on the right track. It didn't help that most of his instruments were dead... but wait! That was it- he could play dead! His fingers shook, but were steady. Brett switched off everything he could quickly, deactivated the engines, the weapons, even the shields. Sealing his helmet, he attached the emergency air supply and mask and turned off the life support. He had two hours of air with the rebreather system.

Brett's Y-Wing went completely dark. The Ursa Major must've been in the process of deciding whether or not to eat it; she sniffed him. His cockpit canopy was nearly taken off by the suction of the bear's nostril, not a pleasant feeling. What could he do now? Where could he go?

"Arrreee... arrrrrmm. Hmmf." The bear's breath fogged the outside of his view port. And then he felt the sickening feeling of something brush on it, scraping his lower hull. The Ursa's tongue. It licked his ship, sparking off what remained of his deflector shields. That sent an small electric pulse through his Y-Wing which briefly powered his cockpit.

"...and this is why I don't understand Gator fans."
"Look man, you just said to prove we had the guts to call, we had to call. I'm a Gator fan and I'm-"
"But that's it. You're calling just to call, I don't think that alone proves you have the guts to call."
"I'm LITERALLY calling you right now, I'm a Gator fan and I-"

"Crap." The radio turned on. Some random sports talk show was being broadcast. How could his ship even be picking it up in the middle of an asteroid belt? Maybe if he turned it to a music station, the Ursa Major might listen to his ship like a music player. If she held him up to her ear, it would at least be better than her mouth, he hoped.

But it was too late. "Rrrgghh... Arrrr!" The Ursa Major snarled. Tired with him, it opened its mouth to bite his ship in half. Brett saw her teeth, all of her teeth. And just as it was about to devour him, it stopped.

*Sniff. Sniff sniff sniff. Snifffffffffffffff.* The bear's nostrils sniffed so hard he could feel the suction on his ship. And then he was released. The bear let him go, releasing him to float freely in space. The Ursa leaped off the rock it was on to some other point. Brett twisted to see it.

Giant blue and purple starry bodies, the entire horde of Ursas were jumping off their rocks in other direction. They were after some sort of tiny, sparkling glints Brett couldn't even make out at this distance.

"Brett! Brett, are you seeing this?"
"They're gone! They're all gone!"
"Wooohooo!"

"What is it? What happened, where are they going?" His answer landed right on his Y-Wing's nose.

"Hi Brett!"

"Derpy! Oh, thank Force!"

Her giggling smile was visible even from inside her spacesuit. "Whatcha doing in the space rock field?"

"Is it bad if I say we're on a pic-a-nic?"

"Hehehe," she giggled again. Despite all the damage they'd sustained and the danger they were still in, Derpy's smile could light up the void and for him, it did. "Brett, you should know to always bring a couple jars of space honey if you're ever going into a space rock field! You never know when you're going to find an Ursa den!"

"I uh, don't plan on doing this again. Ever. Squad, everyone else okay?"

"I've still only got one engine!"
"There's fur in my left thruster manifold!"
"They chewed on my nacelles but I'm good."

There were complaints but all the acknowledgment lights winked green on his display. His squad was good to go.

"Alright, let's get the hell out of here. Head up. Gary, grab anybody that needs a tow."

"Copy, leader." Gary's voice had just the slightest town of remorse. Brett knew it meant he wasn't happy, but he'd do it anyway. It wasn't the task that was disappointing but the fact Gary knew he shouldn't have to be doing it. And Brett knew that.

They gathered their ships and made the jump to hyperspace. Derpy rode on Brett's wing, despite the slight slober on it. Ponies, like Ursas, were semi-celestial beings in nature and were more resilient, allowing her to withstand the effects of space and hyperspace with ease and all she needed to wear was a simple environment suit.

Outer Equestrian Solar System
Alliance Rendezvous Point Delta-Kindness

The Aurora was a beautiful sight, no pun intended, when Dice Squadron came into land. Their ships touched down in the starboard hangar, all twelve of them. Brett opened his cockpit canopy, loosed his helmet and stepped out as was tradition. Derpy hopped off his wing and just as he had seen, so many times before, the crowd of Rebel crewmen, technicians and even droids filled the hangar to welcome them back. Like so many times before, their cheers filled the hangar.

Brett's smile couldn't be concealed as he climbed down the ladder. "Oh, guys, it's like I always tell you. When you roll with Dice Squadron, you-"

"Derpy! Derpy! Derpy!" The crowd swarmed around him and surrounded Derpy, lifting her up. "For she's a jolly good Derpy, for she's a jolly good Derpy, for she's a jolly good Derpy! That... dah-dah,dah-dah,dah-dah."

The crowd carried Derpy off in celebration. That was a new thing since partnering up with her, but Brett was still happy to see it. It didn't diminish his satisfaction at all- a job well done was enough. Besides, there would always be some that appreciated him. He turned to his squadron.

"Guys!" he said, arms outstretched. As was tradition, his squad would revel in their accomplishment. The other eleven pilots gathered around him, his crew, his family. "Another job well-done thanks to Dice, am I right? Chalk up another-GLAGGH!"

Jan punched him in the stomach. His squad then surrounded him and together, they beat the crap out of him.

"AUGH! Not the faaagh, not the face, please-gah!" Mostly, they kicked him in the stomach, the back, and wherever else they could while he was doubled over on the ground. They didn't hold back, kicking and beating him. Even Dave, the Lego Rebel Pilot member of the squad joined in, kicking Brett with his Lego legs.

"Alright guys, break it up, break it up," Gary said, pulling them apart. Jan spat on Brett one last time before departing with the rest of the assailants. None of them said a word.

"Owwww... owww..." Brett groaned, tasted blood but he didn't remember getting kicked in the face. In fact, the uniform absorbed a lot of the blows, but that didn't help much of the pain.

"You really fucked it up this time, Brett," Gary said.

"Ohhhggg... owww. Howwwwwww?" Brett groaned, mostly knowing the answer already. Gary was already gone with the others.

Clutching his stomach, Brett tried to get up. A pair of giant hands grabbed him by his shoulders and lifted him up in a single motion, which caused pain. "Auugh!"

"You can stand, yes? This is good."

"Owww! Oh, hi Bruno," Brett said painfully. Bruno was more of a mountain than a man, almost seven feet tall and with shoulders wider than the length of Brett's torso, he shouldn't have been able to physically fit inside the Y-Wing's cockpit because of his size. Tan-skinned and bearded, Bruno was from Space Russia, a planet that was a self-proclaimed brutal dictatorship and most of its citizens liked it that way. Space Russians were still Soviets, unlike actual Russians, and were proud to have one of the oldest functional dictatorships in the entire galaxy.

As far as oppression of citizenry, Space Russia was the number-five most oppressive planet in the galaxy, right behind the hive-minded insects of Antean Alpha, the machine-superemacists of Duracell Directive 9.5, Planet Hollywood, the planet that Hollywood took over and renamed and BuzzFeed.

Space Russia joined the Rebel Alliance after the Empire seized its territory. Most Space Russians thought freedom was an overrated and outdated concept, but hated the Empire because it made their own dictatorship subsidiary to the Emperor. Space Russia itself wasn't impacted at all by Imperial rule, but disrespect to Premier Von Trotskyberger V would not be tolerated, so they joined the Rebellion.

"Did you... you didn't hit me too, did you?" Brett asked.

"Ah ha ha ha. No Brett, Bruno did not hit you. If Bruno hit you, you would be dead. So Bruno did not hit you," Bruno explained.

"Oh... okay. C-can you help me to the medical bay? I think I broke something..."

He shook his head. "I cannot do this, Brett. I am sorry."

"What? WHY?"

"Bruno does not wish to get blood on his uniform," Bruno said. He gestured up and down his pilot's uniform, which was just as dirty as his own. "Bruno is very conscious of hygiene, yes? Cleanliness is important."

"But... you helped me off the floor. Just a minute ago."

"And you are welcome for this," Bruno said. After that, nothing.

"Okay, uh... I'm going to go to the medical bay now. Okay?" Brett said. Bruno said nothing. Slowly, Brett turned, clutching his stomach, and walked out of the hangar. Bruno followed him, but still said nothing.

They stepped into the hallway. Brett had no idea why Bruno was following him, but was too in pain to ask.

"Bruno likes you, Brett."

"Uh, thanks. I like you, too."

"You remind Bruno of old squadron leader back home."

"Really?" Brett asked. "That's ni-"

"He is dead now. We killed him."

"Oh. Umm..."

"He was spy for Empire. So Bruno and other squadmates, we break all his bones and through him out of airlock," Bruno said. "It is funny to watch broken limbs spin in space."

Brett suddenly felt cold and wanted very much to get out of there. "I'm, uh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'm-I'm not a spy, though."

Bruno nodded. "Bruno knows this. Do you know why?"

"Uh, no-"

"It is because you are stupid. You are moron, yes?"

"Uhh..."

"At first, you make bad decision. And Bruno think, you might be spy. Bruno think about breaking your legs, yes? But then, Bruno think, you cannot be spy. Spy must be very smart, and when you do things, they are very dumb. So Bruno realize you cannot be spy. This is good, yes?"

Bruised, bleeding and now being called stupid, Brett had felt better. "I... I guess so, Bruno." Bruno stared at him, expectantly, for a long time.

"That was a compliment, Brett."

"It was?"

Bruno nodded. "It is customary to be grateful for compliment, yes? You do not wish to upset Bruno. Bruno is very sensitive man, Brett. It would disappoint him to break your legs."

"Ohhh, umm. Th-thank you for calling me stupid?"

"You are welcome, Brett. It means you are loyal, yes? This is good thing."

"Alright then," Brett said. He didn't really care any more. He went to the medical bay and checked himself in for treatment. Apart from a few scrapes and bruises, couple cuts, he was fine but given some bacta ointment and allowed to sleep there. He felt it was better than trying to go back to his quarters with the rest of his squad at that moment.

About an hour later, he had a visitor in the medical bay. He was facing the wall, tucked in tightly under a blanket when a familiar voice roused him.

"Not exactly the hero's welcome your used to, it seems," Captain Kayla Tresso said.

Brett rolled over. "Captain, ma'am."

"You don't have to get up. Getting worked over like that, I imagine it's difficult enough just laying there."

"The bacta helps."

"Yes, so it is good we stocked up on additional medical supplies. Not that I expect you to be in here more often. Neither of us would like that," she said, sitting down. "Look Brett, you're a good pilot, but you're not exactly the best leader we have right now."

"It WAS my plan to use the station's cannons to take out that Imperial flotilla, wasn't it?"

She sighed. "Having a good strategy doesn't make you a good leader. You risked your squad's lives chasing down that cruiser in the asteroid field."

Brett got up. "That... that cruiser had information on us. They saw the cannons fire at the rest of the Imps, they knew the ponies weren't neutral. I was doing that to protect our allies."

Kayla held up a hand to stop him. "And they were going to have that information either way. The station had been boarded, we knew that. Even if it hadn't, it's too big of a leak for us to cover. The Alliance isn't that concerned with keeping our allies hidden- anywhere we go is at risk and the Equestrians know that. They chose to help us anyway."

He looked down. He felt like crawling back under the covers. In truth, he had wanted to destroy that ship out of some sense of glory. To wipe them all out, leave the Empire with nothing, get the full set of that entire enemy squadron. That's what really had motivated him to go after that ship and he knew it. His squad knew it.

"Am I being demoted or something?"

"Don't be too hard on yourself," Kayla said. "Half of us in the Rebel Alliance are here for revenge."

"Only half?"

"The point is, I can understand wanting to take that ship out. Taking down a cruiser like that, especially this far from the nearest starbase does hurt them. But losing a squad hurts us more," Kayla said, standing. "Besides, I think getting the shit beaten out of you is punishment enough. Rest up here and then we'll talk to your squad. The Alliance still needs your dumbasses on the front lines, as well as mine."

"Hey, do I look like Grex to you? We're not Bold Squadron. We're Dice Squadron, we're the best."

"You do look like Grex a bit, minus thirty pounds."

Brett rolled his eyes. "Alright, alright. I just have one question."

"Shoot."

"If you're here, who's flying the ship?"

Kayla opened her mouth, then shut it, pinched her eyes and said, "Fuck." She turned and left, Brett went back to sleep.