If Smosh Were Poniesby RegidarChaptersThe Teleporting Fat Guy's New InventionWelcome to EquestriaBarbershop Pole ReturnsPony HardA Song from the HeartI'm Your Biggest FanThe ConditionTitle UnrelatedFluttercultThe Fabulous Meta ChapterBoxman in EquestriaThanks for the MemoriesFood Battle 2012: EquestriaAuthor's Note: Why This Will Never Have a SequelThe Legacy EndsThe Teleporting Fat Guy's New InventionERMAGERD, My Little Pony is da best show eve- SHUT UP! Ian ran into Anthony's bedroom. "Anthony, I have- what are you doing?" Anthony was wearing a full bodied fursuit. He was a cat. "It's for science. Duh. Anyway, what did you want to tell me?" Ian stared at Anthony for a few seconds, then continued. "Anyway, we received a mysterious message! Look," Ian held the letter up to Anthony's fursuited head. Anthony stared down at it, nodded his head a few times as though he were reading it, then said "Hold on, I can't read a single f**king thing with this furry head on." "AHA! I KNEW YOU WERE A FURRY!" Ian shouted and threw a rock at Anthony. "I told you it''s for science!" Anthony started to cry. "Ok, shut up for a little bit and read this note!" Dear Ian and Anthony, I have a surprise for you. Don't worry, it's not my penis. Sincerely, Not the Teleporting Fat Guy Anthony scratched his head. "Damn, who could it be from?" Ian shrugged. "Ok, change out of that freak costume and we'll go and ask the teleporting fat guy. He knows about things like this." Ian left the room to allow Anthony to change. "Goodbye, my love," Anthony said, kissing the snout of the fursuit head, a tear rolling down his cheek. Once the comedy duo reached the Teleporting Fat Guy's residence, they knocked upon the door. The Teleporting Fat Guy swung the door open. "Ah! Ian and Anthony! I've been expecting you! I need to show you something." "It better not be your penis," Anthony said as they entered the house. "Oh silly boy, of course it isn't! I have created a mod on my contraption that will send you too anywhere you desire!" "Isn't that the whole idea of teleportation?" Anthony said, staring at the Teleporting Fat Guy's arm band teleporter thingy. "Ah! That's the catch! It will even send you fictional places! Just think of anyplace you wish to go, and the machine will send you there!" "Ooh! I know where I want to go!" Ian grabbed the machine. "Hey, I want to choose where we go!" Anthony grabbed it as well. "I'll settle this." The Teleporting Fat Guy grabbed his machine back, and pressed a few buttons. "Touch my pits, guys!" Anthony and Ian shoved their hands under the Teleporting Fat Guy's armpits. "AH! Something bit me!" Ian screamed as the three were whisked off to parts unknown. After some bright flashing, the two opened their eyes. Everything was brighter, and something felt off. Then it hit them. The piano, I mean. "Sorry!" A grey pegasus who was flying over head with a precarious stack of heavy items trailing behind her called out. Ian looked around. "OH MY GOD WE'RE PONIES!" Anthony looked at the Teleporting Fat Guy. "We didn't want to go here!" The Teleporting Fat Guy, who was as overweight as ever, laughed and wobbled off. "Hey, send us back!" "No way! I'm off to score some pony poontang!" Welcome to EquestriaAnthony stretched his wings. "Dude! This is awesome! I'm a pegasus!" Anthony did a few loop de loops before smashing directly into a tree. "Haha! You're such a fail-" Ian began before an anvil landed on his head. "Sorry!" yelled the same Grey pegasus from before. Ian and Anthony both recovered from their injuries and took a good look around. "I think we may be in Equestria," Anthony said. "And you know this why..." Ian looked at Anthony suspiciously. "It's a good show!" Anthony said in his defense. Ian rolled his giant eyes. "Anyway, let's find the Teleporting Fat Guy so he can help us out. I don'-" "OH MY GOSH! SMOSH!" The two former humans turned around to see a turquoise unicorn staring at them. "Um, do I know yo-" Ian started, but was promptly shoved out of the way so Anthony could run over to the unicorn. "LYRA!" Anthony hugged the pony full on, his wings shooting up into a wingboner. "Woah! Calm down!" Lyra giggled, a little embarrassed. Anthony blushed while Ian laughed in the background before getting hit by a large boulder. "Sorry!" yelled the grey pegasus for the third time. "GOD DAMMIT WHERE ARE GETTING ALL OF THIS STUFF?" It was Anthony's turn to laugh his plot off at his friend. "Anyway, smosh, I have to show you around! Ever since I was able to get my frequencies to pick up youtube, I've been hooked on you, Nigahiga, Pewdiepie, and Cavemanfilms. I also love the cartoons you guys have on shut up cartoons, those were hilarious! I'm sad Dos and Don'ts is over, but I love Snowjacked, it's hilarious!" Anthony didn't pay any attention to Lyra and just stared at her horn. "HEY! My eyes are down here!" Anthony shook himself out of his trance. "Oh. Heh. Sorry," He said, blushing again. Lyra looked a bit annoyed. "So, Ian, how do you feel about being in Equestria?" "I HATE HOW THAT GREY ONE KEEPS DUMPING HEAVY OBJECTS ON ME!" "You may want to move, then." "Huh? Why?" A whole castle fell onto Ian. "HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?!" "Come on, let's go! I'll take you to mine and Bon-Bon's place!" Anthony flew next to her. "So are you guys, like, you know-" "Oh no. We just live together." Anthony looked disappointed, and Ian crawled out from underneath the castle. Once they reached their destination, Lyra swung open the door. Bon-Bon took one look at Ian and Anthony. "EEEK! SMOSH!" The mare ran over and hugged them both. "Wait, if they see us as humans, how did they know us as ponies?" Ian asked. "Duh. Your cutie marks." Anthony and Ian looked down at their flanks. Ian's was a pink frosted sprinkled donut, and Anthony's was a rainbow lollipop. "This is so cool!" "Wait, then what's our talents?" Ian was determined on not enjoying the situation. "Duh. Anthony and you will both work at sugarcube corner." "Wait, so I get to meet Pinkie Pie?" Anthony inquired. "Yeah." Anthony passed out from excitement. Ian grinned wildly. "I am so writing 'I want to make love to Scootaloo' on his forehead." Barbershop Pole ReturnsWhen Anthony awoke, Lyra, Ian, and Bon-Bon were laughing at him. “What’s so funny?” Ian tried to suppress a giggle, but ended up nearly throwing up. “Uh, your hair, is... funny...” “Really, let me fix it...” Anthony flipped his hair side to side. Lyra suddenly grabbed her lower abdomen. “MY OVERIES!” “Oh yeah, I forgot I could do that...” “Anyway, you guys head over to Sugercube corner while I go get Lyra some replacement ovaries,” Bon-Bon said, putting Lyra into a cart and pulling her away. “Aw man, I can’t wait to meet Pinkie Pie! This is going to be so awesome!” The two friends turned pony set out to Sugarcube corner. However, they met somepony along the way. “Hey guys, how’s it going?” The Teleporting Fat Pony asked. “Hey! There you are! send us back!” Ian reached over for the device. “No way dude! This is too sweet!” Anthony shoved Ian’s hoof away from the Teleporting Fat Guy’s wrist thingamabobber. “Anyway, I gotta trot guys, I may have laid the wrong pony. See yah!” Anthony stared after the Teleporting Fat Pony as he wobbled away. “Huh. I wonder who-” “OUTA MAH WAY!” Applejack smashed Anthony out of the way, into a nearby trashcan. “NOPONY LAYS MAH SISTER AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!” “Jesus, the Teleporting Fat Guy- er, Pony sure is a pedo!” Anthony brushed the refuse from his coat. “Yeah, sure, Scootalover,” Ian said, trying not to laugh again. “What?” Anthony looked over at Ian, oblivious to the writing on his face. “Nothing, man. C'mon, let’s go to this gay Sugarcube corner place.” Once reaching Sugarcube Corner, Ian saw something that infuriated him beyond belief. “BARBER SHOP POLE!” Ian ran at full speed into the pole, smashing it, maiming it, hitting it with fillies, and other things. “Hey, who’s attacking my pet barbershop pole?” Pinkie Pie bounced out of Sugarcube Corner. Anthony shrieked in pleasure. “OHMYGODPINKIEPIECANITOUCHYOURMANEDOYOUSMELLLIKECOTTONCABDYIBETYOUSOOHMYGODOHMYGODERMAHGERD!” “Um, what?” Pinkie said, obviously confused. “Let me touch your mane!” Pinkie Pie smiled nervously. “OKi doki loki! Just don’t get weird, ok?” Anthony was chewing on her hair. “Mmm... cotton candy...” “Ok, now see, that’s weird.” Anthony spit out Pinkie’s hair. “Heh. Sorry. I’m just a huge fan, that’s all.” “You’re not a fan, silly! You’re a pegasus! Those aren’t even related!” Pinkie laughed, then thought about that. “Or are they?” Anthony laughed. “Sorry about your pet barbershop pole, Ian hates those. I’m Anthony by the way.” Pinkie suddenly gasped. “OH MY GOODNESS! ARE YOU TOBUSCUS?” Anthony looked at Pinkie Pie with a quizzical look. “I’m just kidding, I know you’re Shane Dawson.” There was an awkward silence, with only the sound of Pip being smashed into the barbershop pole to provide a background noise. “KIDDING! I noticed your cutie marks, and by the way, I love the food battles!” Pinkie Pie and Anthony walked into Sugarcube Corner, and Anthony got behind the counter. “I hope you know how to handle the shop!” “Trust me, I once sold Lemonade to a homeless guy. I know how the business world works.” Anthony’s first customer walked in. “Hi!” Scootaloo walked into the bakery. “I’m here to pick up a ‘Congratz on the sex’ cake for Applebl...oo...” Scootaloo stared up into Anthony’s smiling face with the prophetic words written upon it. Slowly, she turned around and sprinted out. Pinkie Pie laughed. “You may want to wash your face.” Anthony looked in a mirror. “GOD DAMN IT IAN!” Anthony went to wash his face, while Ian walked in looking very sweaty. “Hey, do you have any more british kids? That one’s all used up.” Pony Hard“Ian, you can’t go around beating the Barbershop Pole with small foals. Somepony’s bound to complain.” “I’m not sure you understand the magnitude of this situation. HE SLEPT WITH MY FUTURE WIFE!” “But if she’s your future wife, how do you know she’s not a total bitch, and her cheating on you was the perfect excuse to leave her?” Ian tried to respond, but Pinkie’s logic dumbfounded him. “Well damn. Nice one!” Pinkie Pie jumped up on the table and said triumphantly “PINKIE THE MASTER OF COMEBACKS!” Ian starred with pure loathing at the pink pony. “THAT’S MAH LINE...” Anthony returned with an alligator attached to his face. “Um, can somepony help me? I think it’s eating my soul.” Pinkie Pie coaxed the alligator off of the pegasus’s face. “Sorry. Gummy was just excited to see you! OOH! That reminds me! We have to throw a party! Lyra set up screenings of you guys that everpony watched every friday, so everypony will by dying to meet you guys! OOH! This is going to be great!” “OH MY GOD I’M GONNA GO TO ONE OF PINKIE PIE’S PARTIES!” Anthony squealed in delight. “Ok, don’t jizz yourself,” Ian said as he rolled his eyes. “This is going to be awesome! I better get to planning it! You guys go over and get Celestia! She loves your show!” Anthony fainted again. Pinkie Pie poked his face. “Does he do that often?” “Unfortunately.” Ian kicked Anthony in the wing. “Ian, why don’t you like Equestria?” Pinkie Pie gave Ian a hard look. “I’m just not into ponies like Anthony is, and besides…” Ian blushed and looked to the side. “Besides what?” “Um… I really want to rub Twilight Sparkle’s horn.” Pinkie Pie gave Ian a blank stare. “Um, anyway, you should probably go to Princess Celestia now…” “Yeah…” Ian dragged Anthony over to the train as they set out for Canterlot. Once reaching the royal Palace, Anthony woke up again. “OH MY GOD I’M GONNA MEET PRINCESS CELESTIA!” Ian lost his patients. “SHUT THE F-” A barrel dropped from the sky and hit Ian on the head. “Sorry!” Derpy yelled down to them as she flew overhead carrying many barrels behind her. “Man, I’m glad we’re not Pewdiepie, or else that would have been terrifying.” It was Anthony’s turn to drag his friend around. Entering the palace, Anthony trekked with the unconscious Ian to the throne room. There, Princess Celestia was drinking tea, which she promptly spit out when she saw the two entering. “Luna? Get out here now!” Luna’s voice resounded from somewhere in the back of the castle. “Not now, I just got a Bandos god sword, do you know how long it took me to get that from God Wars Dungeon? General Grandos is not a very easy boss monster, Tia, not at all-” “Smosh is here!” The two youtube celebrities heard several doors banging and Luna flew at full speed into the throne room. “OH MY GOSH! SMOSH!” Luna surveyed them. “Oh course, it would have been better if it were Pewdiepie, Antvenom, Regicidal1, Tobuscus, Nova, Cavemanfilms, CaptainSparklz, Steve and Larson from Top Ten FTW, or Ross Scott from Freeman’s Mind, but you guys are good too!” “Um, thanks?” Anthony said feeling slightly offended. “Wh- ah? Where are we?” Ian said, rubbing his head. “Anyway, why have you graced our presence?” Luna asked, still looking them over. Anthony smiled and answered. “Pinkie Pie is throwing a party in our honor, and she thought you guys might want to come!” “Of course we’ll come!” Celestia stood up excitedly. “Wow, you really like us, don’t you?” Anthony grinned. “I do, you guys are extremely hilarious, and you’re pretty much the only thing that isn’t game-related that Luna will watch.” Suddenly, a guard ran up, huffing and puffing. “Pr-princess Celestia! We have had reports one of the elements of harmony beating the living crap outa a pony who reportedly had sexual relations with her sister. What should we do?” Celestia waved him away. “Let him have his fun for now I’ll send him to the moon later.” The guard saluted and trotted off. “Let us go to the party now!” Luna and Celestia said in unison, then brohoofed and trotted out, Ian and Anthony walking behind them. At the party, the instant the two newly ponified humans entered, they were mobbed by thusand different ponies. “OH MY GOD, IAN IS SO CUTE AS A UNICORN!” shrieked Carrot Top. “Let me feel your wings, Anthony!” Colgate squealed, grabbing Anthony’s flying appendages, and rubbing them. Anthony fell to the ground, quaking in pleasure. “I loved ‘Firetruck!’” Cheerilee said, drooling over Ian. Anthony soaked up the attention, while Ian slipped off to go and try and find Twilight Sparkle. “I swear, I will rub your horn! I must get the mystical unicorn mayonnaise my father told me of!” Ian determinedly looked around, then proclaimed “I WILL NOT STOP SEARCHING FOR HER UNTIL I FIND HER, NO MATTER HOW LONG IT TAKES!” “Who are you talking too?” Twilight Sparkle, who was standing right there asked as she turned around. “Well, that was fast,” Ian said, surprised. “Hi, I’m Twilight Sparkle!” Twilight Sparkle held up her hoof. Ian shook it while he planned out his next move in his mind very carefully. He knew he was going to have to be very subtle if her were going to pull this off. “Hey, can I rub your horn?” Twilight looked taken aback by this question. Ian smiled and hoped she wouldn’t kill him. “Um, ok… but let’s take this somewhere more private…” Twilight grabbed Ian’s hoof and dragged him away into the bedroom. Anthony, who was watching this, seethed in envy. “He doesn’t even like the show! He’s just using her for her horn! To get back at him, I’m gonna have sex with the first pony I see!” Anthony turned around and stared straight at Big Macintosh.” “God damn it!” A Song from the HeartWell guys, this one has that perverted feel that Smosh has to many of their videos. I love this song, and couldn't resist. Hope you guys don't hate me. And since it isn't detailed description, and just making fun of a song, I don't think this warrants mature or clopfic status. Anthony ran away as fast as he could from Big Mac, who seemed intent on making him his buttbuddy. "God damn it, I get stuck with the only gay pony in Equestria, I'm fairly sure," Anthony said, hiding under the couch. Suddenly, a huge stage unfurled, and the lights went out. Ian and the Teleporting Fat Pony walked into the stage as lights illuminated it one by one. "Lay down that one beat, Vinyl!" Ian shouted, and Vinyl Scratch, somehow managed to understand which beat Ian had meant and she put a very familiar beat down. "Sometimes… something beautiful happens in this world…" Ian started. "Oh God, is he going to…" Anthony stared in horror at the stage, realizing what had just happened. "You just don't know how to express yourself… so you just gotta sing…" "NO!" Anthony shouted, as he ran up top the stage. "I just had sex… And it felt so good!" Ian sang at the top of his lungs as he pumped his hooves. "NOOOO!" Anthony was running in slow motion as he shoved ponies out of the way in a mad dash to get to the stage. "A mare let me put my cannon penis inside of her!" Anthony was sobbing as he flew into the air, determined to reach Ian and stop this horror. "I just had seeeeex and I'll never go back to those non-sex having ways of the past…" Anthony flew directly into the wall, and Ian continued. "Have you ever had sex? I have, it felt great! It felt so good when I did it with my cannon penis! A mare let me do it, it literally just happened! Having sex can make a nice stallion out of the meanest!" The Teleporting Fat Pony picked up the mike now. "You'll never guess what I just did, I had sex. And If I could describe the feeling, it was the best! When I had sex, man, my cannon penis felt great! And I called my parents right after I was done." Anthony thought about that last part. "Wait, didn't your parents die in that-" Ian picked up the mike, drowning out Anthony's observation. "Oh hey, didn't see you there, guess what I just did? Had sex, rubbed her horn, f**ked her and the rest!" "Sure nice of you to let her do that thing!" The Teleporting Fat Pony commentated. "Nice of any mare ever. NOW SING!" In unison, the two started to sing. "I JUST HAD SEEEEEX… AND IT FELT SOOOO GOOOOD! A MARE LET ME PUT MY CANNON PENIS INSIDE OF HEEEERRRRR!!!! I wanna tell the world!" Twilight Sparkle was facehoofing in the background while Applebloom sobbed and was being hugged by her sister. "It's ok, he won' hurtcha again…" The singing started again. "To be honest, I'm surprised she even wanted me to do it, doesn't even really make sense, but man, screw it. I ain't one to argue with a good thing. She could even be my wife!" "That good?" "Best thirty seconds of my life!" "I'm humbled by a mare's ability to do it, because honestly I'd have sex with a pile of manure. That said, a nice soft clean-smelling mare is better." "She even let me do it in my chain and my turtleneck sweater!" Ian and the Teleporting Fat pony were once again singing at the same time. "So this one is dedicated to them mares, who let us flop around on top of them! If you're short or tall, near or far, we all want to thank you for letting us f**k you!" Ian was singing solo now, with the Teleporting Fat Pony interjecting at choice times. "She kept looking at the clock." "Doesn't matter, had sex!" "She put a bag on my head!" "Doesn't matter had sex!" "But I cried the whole time!" "Doesn't matter had sex!" "I think I may have broken my balls!" "Still counts!" The whole crowd was in awe. "I HAD SEEEEEX! AND MY DREAMS CAME TRUE! SO IF YOU HAD SEX IN THE LAST THIRTY MINUTES THEN THAT QUALIFIES YOU TO SING ALONG!" Nopony sang along. Anthony cried as he held a gun up to his head. "I just had sex! And it felt so good! A mare let me put my cannon penis inside of her! I just had sex! And I'll never go back to those non-sex having ways of the past!" Twilight walked up to the stage and punched Ian in the face. I'm Your Biggest Fan"Jesus, Ian, only Pinkie Pie can randomly burst into song and get away with it, haven't you learned anything?" "But what about the time everypony was at the gala and-" "Pinkie Pie was also there, making it acceptable." Ian was still holding ice over his black eye, two days after the party. "Well, still. They could have at least not locked us up in this dungeon." "I don't even know why I'm here! I was trying to stop you!" "You were trying to shoot yourself with a party cannon!" "Well, I was stopping it for me, at least." As you may have guessed, the song did not go over too well, and the comedy duo was rotting in prison. The Teleporting Fat Pony was last rumored too be seen fleeing on the train to Manehaten. Applebloom was going through a trauma course, and Twilight Sparkle was really pissed at Ian. "Also, dude, you don't brag about having sex through song. While I'm sure The Lonely Island would be very proud of you-" "Look, I get it. I messed up. But let's not just focuse on me! You are just as much to blame for this mess!" "Dude, I didn't do anything wrong!" "You exploded Lyra's ovaries." "That was an accident, and she's not pressing charges, so we're cool. She just made us promise to visit her in the hospital, which we can't now since we're locked up in mother firetrucking jail!" Ian thought long and hard about this. "You ate all the ice cream that one time." "HOW THE HELL ARE THOSE TWO INSTANCES EVEN RELATED?!" "I dunno, you're the furry, you tell me!" "AGAIN, TWO TOTALLY UNRELATED-" "Hey, mare, quite fighting. Somepony paid your bail." The Jailor opened Ian and Anthony's holding cell. "Really? I wonder who!" "Hey guys!" Ian and Anthony looked around to see where that voice was coming from. "Down here!" The two looked down to see a purple dragon staring up at them. "Hey! I'm Spike- OOF!" Ian and Anthony both bearhugged Spike. "OHMYGOD THANK YOU FOR SAVING US FROM THAT PRISON! I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO DIE IN THERE!" "OHSWEETJESUS THANK YOU SO MUCH SPIKE PLEASE TELL TWILIGHT THAT SHE'S THE BEST (and only) SEX I'VE EVER HAD!" Spike sniffed the air. "Phew, something smells!" "Oh yeah, we didn't shower for the last two days." Spike gagged and slipped out of the two unwashed former inmates' grasps and fell to the ground. "Why the heck haven't you showered?" "We're not sure how it works here, but in our prisons, you generally want to avoid dropping the soap, and we were not willing to take that chance." Spike was about to ask why, but then came to the realization he probably didn't want to know. "Anyway, I wanted to show you guys something! I'm a huge fan!" Ian sighed and rolled his eyes. "Who isn't around here?" Spike and the two ponies returned to Twilight's house. Ian had to sneak in through the window. "Ok, Twilight's not home!" Spike slipped under Twilight's bed and opened a trapdoor. "Come on down!" Ian and Anthony obliged, and entered the door. "Uh..." On the left side of the room, it was dedicated to Rarity. Posters, very accurate drawings, pieces of her hair and her belongings were strewn about. On the other side was posters of smosh, a computer with the smosh website set up, and the fanfic "milk"in another window that just happened to be open. The two shrines were split down the middle of the room perfectly. "This is the creepiest f**king thing ever," Ian said, trying to escape, but Spike stopped him. "NO! You can't leave! You owe me, I bailed you out!" Ian sighed, and walked back into the creepy shrine room. "What do you want us to do?" Spike smiled fiendishly. "Reenact 'Milk.'" "Oh good one, I was-" Spike was starting up an enema machine that was filled with milk. "Oh Jesus, he's not kidding." The Condition“Ok, now we have to hide the body.” “Hide what body? We didn’t kill him.” Ian realized that could be a problem. “Ok, then let’s kill him so we can-” “No! Then I won’t be able to meet Rarity, Fluttershy, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash! We can’t kill him yet.” “Well, we are soon going to have to reenact the gayest and worst fanfiction that was originally written for Fallout Boy that got adapted to fit us” “It’s the only fanfiction that was originally written for Fallout boy that got adapted to fit us.” “Exactly.” Anthony looked around while Spike was putting some finishing touches on the milk enema machine. “Ok, so what should we do? And wait, wasn’t there a third guy in there somewhere...” Anthony came to the stunning realization. “Sh*t, we gotta get outa here.” “Don’t worry, I have a plan!” Ian ran over to the shrine of Rarity, took one of the candles, and put it up to the poster of Rarity. “Spike, i don’t want to do this. Just let us go, and we’ll let Rarity live.” Spike dropped the wrench. “Not the poster! You wouldn’t...” Ian furrowed his brow. “Damn, he knows I’m not actually gonna do it...” “Fine!” Spike gave up. “You can go. On one condition... bring me one of Rarity’s used tissues.” Anthony and Ian shrugged, and went to leave. “You’re f**king creepy, Spike.” Ian and Anthony climbed out from under the bed, and came face to face with Twilight Sparkle. “Oh, hey Twilight. Listen, Spike was just-” Twilight punched Ian in his other eye. “AH! F**K!” “Take that you son of a bitch! Oh, and nice to see you, Anthony.” “Nice to see you too, Twi! Listen, do you have any of Rarity’s used tissues? It’s for, um, science!” Twilight gave Anthony a really weird look, and left the room. “Damn. I guess we’ll have to follow Rarity around until she uses a tissue.” “That’s almost as creepy as reenacting milk.” “Whatever dude. I get to hang around Rarity for a day. And what do you have? Two black eyes and broken balls.” Anthony strutted away fabulously. “Damn that’s fabulous!” Ian gritted his teeth. “Challenge accepted, Anthony. Challenge accepted.” Anthony flew over to the Carousel Boutique, and knocked on the door. “What is it, I’m very- ANTHONY!” Rarity squealed as she flung open the door and grabbed Anthony, kissing him several times about his head, neck, and wings. “Oh yeah. I still got it,” Anthony said, feeling his swag meter raise a few bars. “Anyway, I don’t have much time, but you can lounge around the shop if you want,” Rarity said, levitating a dress over to another end of the shop, accomplishing nothing. “Actually, can I have one of your tissues? A used one, if you don’t kind.” Rarity gave Anthony an odd look, then gave him a used tissue. “Thanks!” Anthony ran outside to see Ian with a very strange and complicated machine that looked like a catapult, a hot air balloon and a merry go-round has some demented love child. “Don’t worry, I have the tissue.” Ian pulled up his most trusted accomplice, and pressed it. “That was easy.” Title UnrelatedIan and Anthony delivered the tissue to Spike, who immediately sniffed it, licked it, and did some other nasty crap to it. "My god, that little dragon kid is creepy." Anthony and Ian fled from the horror that was Spike. "So what should we do now? I feel we've exhausted every possible situation short of zombie apocalypse or some other stupid thing like that." "Well, we haven't visited Fluttershy, Applejack, or Rainbow Dash yet, I think we could do something with them. I think." Suddenly, a zombie came out of nowhere and bit Anthony's left hoof. "AHGH! JESUS! I'M GONNA DIE!" Ian grabbed Anthony and levitated him away from the zombie pony. "Don't worry, we'll camp out at Fluttershy's until this whole thing blows over." "That seems like a place of no hijinks of any type that could go on that would result in us dying!" So Ian and Anthony ran to Fluttershy's house and barricaded themselves inside. "Hey guys! What, um, are you doing in my house?" Fluttershy walked out from behind the couch once she was sure it wasn't a rapist. "ZOMBIES! NO TIME TO EXPLAIN!" Anthony inexplicably pulled a large number of wooden planks from behind a lamp and nailed the door shut. Ian did the same to the food cabinet. "Ian, why is it that everytime zombies show up, you barricade us from the food?" "I am a firm believer in the snack zombies." "That doesn't make any sense!" "DON'T MAKE FUN OF MY RELIGION!" Fluttershy poked her head into the kitchen where the two friends were arguing. "Um, not to be a bother or anything, but don't you think we should save our friends? Ian and Anthony both laughed. "Oh, silly filly. Less friends means less competition for food once every pony's a zombie!" "Oh, I never thought of it that way," Fluttershy said. "Well, that's why we're here." Ian and Anthony stared at the wall for the next three hours while Fluttershy went to the basement to do some stuff. Loud and suspicious noises came from the basement, but Ian and Anthony had long since learned not to question things like that. "So how long do you think we can go without food?" Ian was eating the couch. "What?" "Hey, share that with me!" Anthony grabbed the couch away from Ian. "No way dude, it's mine!" Anthony punched Ian in the face. Ian fell back, and went for Anthony's wing. Anthony felt a snap as his wing was twisted. "OH HEELL NAW!" Anthony picked up Ian and threw him into the wall, where he fell unconscious. "Dick." Fluttershy walked up from the basement. "I finished my communications with lord Shmooz, he should be able to- um..." The yellow pegasus surveyed the room. Ian lay unconscious next to her, while the living room was torn apart. Anthony sat on her couch, which had huge bite marks out of it, chowing down. "Your couch is great! What flavor is it?" Fluttershy just stared in awe at the scene before her. Finally, she said something. "Are you going to use Ian for anything?" Anthony shrugged and washed down the couch bite he had in his mouth with some kerosene. "Probably not. Why?" "I need a sacrifi- I mean, volunteer for my demonic ri- I mean, cult- I mean, project. Yeah, project." Anthony moved on to a chair. "Sure, take him!" Fluttershy grinned evilly. "Excellent." FluttercultAnthony soon grew tired of the couch. Sure, it was delicious, but it lacked in the relationship department. So, he broke up with it. "I'm sorry... it's just that we've grown apart. It's not me, it's you. Now, I'm going to shove you outside so i don't have to look at your ugly face anymore." Anthony carried out this plan with surprisingly good results. "Huh. If only that had worked as well with my last girlfriend." Anthony was now bored. Which was normally Ian's job, but... Heh, it's funny, because there's a show called Ian is Bored on... screw you guys, that was funny! *cough* Anywhore, so Anthony decided to investigate the basement. Not because he thought there was anything suspicious going on, but because he's a creeper that way. "Hey, Fluttershy, somepony who was definitely not me broke in and ate your couch. Also-" Anthony stopped in mid sentence when he reached the basement. It was a large cavern with multiple fires illuminating it, giving it a pleasant hell-red glow. Skeletons adorned the walls, and a shed lay at the far end of the cavern. All around, he could see ponies hanging from the walls by shackles, and in the very center was a large stone slab with a pentagram written in red paint(?) directly in the middle. Surrounding that were heads impaled on torches made of bones. "Come one! How come everypony has a better basement then me?" "Anthony? Is that you?" Anthony turned around, his hair flipping in the process. "AAH! MY OVARIES!" Anthony was staring at Lyra, who he assumed would be clutcher his lower abdomen had her arms not been chained to the wall. "Lyra!" Anthony ran over to unchain her, but found that his feeble hooves were no match for the cheap plastic that binded her. "Anthony... I just... got new ovaries... you bastard..." Anthony smiled sheepishly. "Sorry 'bout that." He took another good look around. Also chained were Tobuscus, Pewdiepie, Cavemanfilms, Shane Dawson, and various others were also chained. "She takes famous youtubers... and kills them for Shmooz... she's gotten Ray William Johnson, Fred (thank Celestia), and... Nigahiga already... now she's going to- sh*t! Hide!" Anthony hid behind Lyra as he saw a cloaked figure walk over and unchain Tobuscus from the wall. "Well, well, well, Toby. Looks like you'll be having some time in the spotlight tonight!" Rarity said as her hood fell back. Tobuscus tried to scream, but Rarity had placed a dirty sock in his mouth. "Now now. Don't fight it! It'll only hurt for a seconds, and then you'll die." Rarity dragged the ponified web star up to the sacrificial altar and threw him there. She removed the sock from his mouth. "HELP ME! OH GOD, SOMEBODY HELP!" Rarity giggled. "It's always more enjoyable when they scream!" She plunged her knife into Tobuscus's stomach. Toby screamed in pure agony as the blade tore his insides asunder. "Lord Shmooz will be pleased!" Rarity's eyes looked in opposite directions as she dealt the final blow to Tobuscus, and he promptly died. Anthony would have been horrified, if he had not been staring at Lyra's plot the entire time. "Anthony! They're going to kill Ian next! You have to do something!" "Uh huh..." Anthony started to stroke Lyra's left flank. "ANTHONY! If we live, I'll let you fondle my flank as much as you want! Now go out there and save them!" Anthony glided over to the altar, where he stole Tobuscus's wallet. Quickly, he hid under the altar as Rarity returned. "Alright, Cult Leader Fluttershy wants me to sacrifice Lyra and Shane Dawson before we get to Ian, so say goodbye to them one last time." No pony said goodbye, so Rarity got right to it and untied Lyra first. "Wait, I can't use you, your ovaries are damaged. We need you to be in perfect sexual health to sacrifice, or else- wait... there's only one pony I know who could do that..." Rarity stared at the altar. Anthony began to sweat, and not just from the fire that was raging on his left wing. "Spike! He probably did this..." Rarity turned around to find the purple dragon. Anthony jumped up. "No, you idiot! Spike isn't even a pony!" Then he realized he had just blown his cover. "Sh*t." Rarity pulled out her dagger and charger Anthony. Anthony grabbed her front hooves and threw her over backwards into a pool of lava that was conveniently stationed behind him. "That was easy." "Not too easy, I'm afraid." Anthony turned around, flipping his hair again. "AAH! MY BACK-UP OVARIES!" Lyra shouted iin the background. Fluttershy stood up on the altar, holding the unconscious Ian by the horn. "So sorry to ruin this, but I can't have you killing my favorite cult followers like that. While I go fix Rarity, Twilight will commence the ritual. Don't try to save us from the demonic corruption by attacking her or anything." Anthy frowned. "Damn, I was just about to do that, but now I can't... gonna have to think of another way to-" "God damn, you bloody poof!" Anthony looked around. "Charlie?" "Yeah, it's me yah wanker! Now listen up! The demons have taken over Fluttershy and Rarity's minds! Twilight's only here to kill Ian while she has a legit reason, but you're going to have to use your power to stop it!" Anthony boldly stepped up, and charged Twilight Sparkle. The lilac unicorn looked confused for a second, then screamed when Anthony flipped his hair. Clutching her lower abdomen, she fell to the ground, writhing in pain from her exploded ovaries. Fluttershy pulled a seemingly unharmed Rarity from the lava pit. "Wait... how is she not..." "You wouldn't think I'd put real lava in here? Somepony might get hurt! It's just orange soda." Anthony ignored this perfectly logical decision and turned back to Twilight. She was still laying on the ground, clutching her ovaries. "Anthony!" Rarity shouted. Anthony hair flipped again, causing Fluttershy to squeak in pain as she grabbed her lower abdominal region. "We still need a sacrifice to placate Lord Shmooz!" Anthony looked around. Finally, he decided on Nova. "Sorry, Nova." Anthony picked him up, threw him onto the slab, and killed him. Nothing happened. "Lord Shmooz is pleased! Hooray!" Rarity ran about, letting ponies free. Ian opened his eyes. "Unghh... what happened?" Anthony laughed. "If only you knew... if only you knew." Ian gave him a hard stare. "That is the lamest way to end a chapter ever." But it's not them end, oh dear Ian! "AH! Who said that?" Me! I'm the writer! "Cool! Can you-" No. "Aw..." In a few hours, all the youtube stars, along with Rarity, were visiting Fluttershy, Lyra, and Twilight in the hospital as they waited to have their ovaries replaced. "Jesus, Anthony, you may want to contain your hair, or else they might run out of ovary doners. by the way, where are you getting these ovaries from?" "I was told there were going to be free silver spoons here-" Silver Spoon bagan, but was cut off by Rarity. "There's one! Get her!" Two security gaured shoved Silver Spoon into a bag and carried her and Twilight off into the operating room. "Oh. Ok then." The Fabulous Meta ChapterElijah walked home from the bus stop, walked inside his house, and threw his bag on the floor. People were waiting for him. They counted on him to get things done, for their entertainment. He had done so much in such a short time, but recently had fallen behind. These people needed him. Had they forgotten him? His deeds? His hard work? Had they moved on to someone else? Elijah knew he could not let that happen. He rushed into his room, turned on his computer, started google chrome, and started up facebook. "Oh good. Everything's fine with farmville." Then, Elijah heard a curious noise. One like no other heard before by the likes of him. It was the saddest sound ever. It was the collect groans of One Hundred and Sixty Six bronies who were waiting for the next part of his fanfiction. Elijah turned off Farmville. "You know what, you guys are right. I haven't been paying attention to you. I've just been caught up in so many other things... so much other stuff... posting random stories that don't make any sense, when you just want the legacy to continue. That's it. you've changed my mind, and my heart. I will commence the writing of BORDERMARES CHAPTER FOUR!" Elijah then heard the sound of 166 bronies facepalming. WE'RE BACK, EVERYPONY! Boxman in EquestriaBoxman sat alone. He had been forgotten by his friends, Ian and Anthony, never to been seen again. Boxman's era was up, so now he was committing suicide in the most horrible manner possible. He was going to watch a Jersey Shore marathon. FOR ONE HOUR STRAIGHT. Why would one choose such a horrible fate? We may never know, but fortunatly, someone stopped in to save him, right as he was about to press the button whoch would have caused his horrible demise. "Boxman! I need you!" Elijah grabbed the boxed man and threw him through a random portal. "Why the hell do you need me?" Boxman felt a little bit of joy ignite in his long dead heart. "I'm running out of ideas, so, I thought I'd take a page from The Simpson's book and just put in a bunch of celeb cameos!" Boxman felt the small bit of joy be brutally murdered. He stared at the ponies that had congregated around him. "You want me to sing a song, don't you?" The ponies nodded their heads. "Fine..." Boxman jumped to his feet. "Woah! What's this? I'm in a kids TV show? Man, this is one place I thought I'd never go! When I thought Brony, I thought fag! But now I got some of this pony swaaaggg..." Everypony stared at Boxman, unamused. "You suck. No wonder you havn't been around for a while." Carrot Top than lit Boxman on fire. Boxman screamed and ran around, flailing his arms to and fro, before falling off a conveniently placed cliff, where he died in horrible agony for twenty-six more hours then he would have if he had just watched Jersey Shore. "Well, that was entertaining. I like liking things on fire! I think I'll go torch Twilight Sparkle's house!" Carrot Top trotted off, lighting small fires here and there. The other ponies stared after her, then were about to go back to their daily routine when a Pewdiepony and Princess Luna ran by, screaming. "I TOLD YOU TO STAHY AWAY FROM DAH BARRELS!" "I TOLD THOU MY APOLOGIES!" A large monster with a badly drawn smiley super glued to its face chased after the two heroes. Derpy flew behind it, whistling the tune to Spongebob and eating a muffin. "This day couldn't get any weirder," said an annonymous background pony, whoom I have dubbed "Snubbles." Then, a large couch landed on Snubbles, killing him instantly. "Ian, watch it! I don't want you to stain the couch!" "Sorry! I'm still getting used to this horn thing!" Ian and Anthony sat down of the half-eaten couch which they now used to sit everywhere. Laughing, the two watched as the monster chased Luna and Pewdiepony around. Ponies stared at the two. "What are you looking at?" Asked Anthony. "We need you to do something to drive the plot forward!" Ian sighed dramatically and rolled his eyes. "Do we have to? It sounds like work." "Could this get anymore meta? I mean, honestly-" Anthony began, but was interrupted by the following events. From the sky came an angelic chorus, and down from heaven descended... Elijah. "Never fear, for I will-" Ian shot Elijah in the face, killing him. "WHAT THE HELL?" Anthony screamed. "There! He's dead, and now we won't ever have to deal with his stupidity ever again! No more lame self-inserts, and no more doucebagery!" Ian put the gun back into the folds of the couch, where it joined an old bottle, three sticks of gum, a penny, and Fluttershy's very own copy of "Mares Gone Wild." Something odd was happening, though. slowly, the world began to fade, ponies and scenery disappearing. "What's going on?" Ian asked rather stupidly. "You idiot, killing the author will make the story stop! We're all gonna die!" Anthony smacked Ian up a bit, accomplishing nothing, and letting the world degrade even further while they wasted precious time they could have been using to think of an idea to save them. "Wait! I know," Ian said, taking a cue from the narrative. "We can write the story! Then we don't have to die!" Ian produced a pen and paper from out of nowhere, and began to write. "Do you seriously just carrry pen and paper around for just this occasion?" "And you called me paranoid. WHO'S LAUGHING NOW, MOM?" An older, white maned pony smacked Ian in the face. "I am! I found out about Equestria a while ago, and I've been taking all of your milk and replacing it with Big Macintosh's sperm! So there!" Ian's eyes widened in horror, and he looked over at Big Macintosh. "Eeyup." Ian sat there, jaw hanging wide open, then came to the conclusion. "Wait... it actually didn't taste that bad." Ian's mom threw up her hooves in defeat and trotted away, while Big Macintosh stared in shock at Ian. "Oh, give me that! We're going to stop existing at this rate!" Anthony grabbed the paper, and began to write. Thanks for the MemoriesAnthony's Magic Mare Molesting Memoir Twilight Sparkle licked the side of Anthony's face. Anthony bobbed his equine head up and down while Trixie massaged his hooves. "Oh yeah... this is good..." Anthony licked his lips as Pinkie Pie spread whipped- Ian grabbed the pen and paper away from Anthony. "Hey, I was writing with that!" "Dude, you can't call that 'writing.'" "What was wrong with it?" Ian facehoofed. "What do you mean, what was wrong with it? EVERYTHING! Here, let me try it..." Ian's Super Sexy Stallion Story Big Macintosh spread butter all up and down Ian's stomach, while Soarin stroked his hair. Slowly, he- "Dude," Anthony said, stopping Ian's writing. "That's kinda gay." "What? No it's not!" "It's totally gay!" "Oh, so having a guy spread butter on your stomach while another guy strokes your hair is gay now, huh?" "YES!" Ian rolled his eyes. "Obama's America..." The Teleporting Fat Pony waddled over. "Don't worry guys, I got this one." The Teleporting Fat Pony's Fantastic Filly Fondling Foray Scootaloo rubbed soap all over her body, while Applebloom and Sweetie Belle covered themselves in ice cream. All three of the filly's began to make out while the incredibly handsome Teleporting Muscular Sexy Pony licked Scootaloo's back. Then- "What?" The Teleporting Fat Pony asked as he stared at the disgusted looks upon his two friend's faces. "Dude... that's f**ked up..." "Yeah. Get some help... like, now." "Hey, don't tell me how to live my life! For all you know, they could have liked it!" "They were crying." "Those were happy tears!" "Why was Sweetie Belle screaming 'kill me' then?" The Teleporting Fat Pony did not have a response to this. Ian sighed. "Look, we're all going to die, anyway, so-" "Not so fast..." Looking up into the sky, they saw Princess Celestia descend down upon upon the Youtube stars. Taking the pen and paper, she went on to re-write everything that happened it Equestrian history, ever. "Woah..." Anthony said, staring at the glorious spectacle. "Nice flanks." Princess Celestia bucked him in the face. "You all have done enough damage to my kingdom. You were fun for a while, but now you must go." "But I get to stay, right?" The Teleporting Fat Pony put on his most convincing smile. Princess Celestia incinerated him with a beam of light. "Now, goodbye, Ian and Anthony. You were hilarious. Also, if I don't see a video next Friday, I'll kill you, ok?" "So much for 'benevolent ruler.'" Ian muttered as he rolled his eyes. "I heard that." Ian squeaked as him and Anthony were transported back to Earth. Looking around at their mundane house, both of the newly restored humans sighed. They missed Equestria already... "I wish there was a way we could go back..." Ian said, a tear leaking from his eye. "Well, the Teleporting Fat Guy gave us the mechanism schematics! With enough hard work and determination, we could-" "Nah, let's just get drunk and cry ourselves to sleep." Anthony rolled his eyes. "We do that every saturday." TO SEE BLOOPERS AND DELETED SCENES, GO TO SMOSH.COM! THANKS FOR SUBSCRIBING! AND IF YOU DON'T, I'll cry. Seriously. Watch me. *** Elijah typed the last words into his computer. "Well, it's over. There goes my only chance at a featured story." Then, turning to look at you guys, he said "Unless, you were to read my other stories, and get them featured... that could work very-" "Elijah! Why are you talking to the wall?" "Shut up, mom!" "Also, didn't you die?" Elijah sighed, and shut his computer off. Time to experience the real world. This story is dedicated to Elijah Goldberg, who died by getting hit by a car. If only he had stayed inside... Author's Note: Guys, I had a great time writing this story! For those of you who stuck with me until the very end, thank you all so much. I did get featured once on this story, but please, could you guys do it again? I know this was my one chance, so I don't want it to be wasted. Thanks so much. Also, penis. IF YOU LIKED "IF SMOSH WERE PONIES", THEN YOU'LL LOVE: Bordermares Rarity's Hairbrush Pewdiepie in Equestria This thing The Tragic Tragedy and The Toaster of the Gods Enjoy, everypony! Food Battle 2012: EquestriaYou guys thought If Smosh Were Ponies was over? F**k no! That's the only reason most of you have even come to like my stories! Elijah awoke peacefully one fine morning to hear a loud pounding on the door. “Go get the door, you son of a bitch!” A raspy female voice called out from a few rooms away. “Love you too, mom!” Elijah rushed to the door, and flung it open. Nearly kneeling over in shock and excitement, he saw that Ian and Anthony from Smosh were standing there. “OH MY GOD, IT’S SMOSH!” Elijah proceeded to do his ‘I’m so happy I just pissed myself three times’ dance. “You guys are like, famous on the internet!” “Yeah,” Ian said cooly. “And we understand you wrote a fanfiction about us?” “Yup!” Elijah beamed proudly. “It’s gotten over 10000 hits on FIMFiction! I’m really-” Ian and Anthony began to beat the shit out of Elijah with potted plants. “OW! F**K! Stop it you guys!” Elijah crawled into a corner. “Why are you hurting me, anyway? I did a favor for you! You guys loved it in Equestria!” “We know!” Anthony said, dropping the fern he was using to cream the 14 year old. “We loved it so much, we realized how much this world sucks! Send us back!” Elijah was about to decline, but seeing Ian brandishing a potted magnolia was much more terrifying than I could ever put into words. Elijah grabbed his pen, and began to write. “Wait.” He stopped, looking at the two webstars. “You guys still have to do Food Battle 2012! How are you going to do that in Equestria?” Ian smiled evilly. “We have something figured out. Hehe...” Elijah shrugged, and wrote the two humans back into Equestria. FOOD BATTLE 2012: EQUESTRIA! *cue explosions and flying monkeys* Ian and Anthony landed in the middle of Sugarcube Corner, ponies once more. Ponies who remembered them from last time screamed and fled, but one stayed. The pink mare trotted forth, and kneeled before Anthony, bestowing the power of the Pink Frosted Sprinkled Cupcake upon him. “We’re back in Equestria, and my newly aquired Pink Frosted Sprinkled Cupcake is gonna kick your lame Pink Frosted Sprinkled Donut’s PLOT!” Anthony yelled. “Bring it on, Fillyfooler!” Ian screamed back, and was just about to stuff his pink frosted donut in his mouth when Pinkie Pie shot forward and devoured it one gulp. “Aw...” Ian sighed sadly. Standing in the field right in front of the Everfree Forest, Ian and Anthony prepared themselves for the challenges that lay ahead. Pounding their hooves into the ground, they grunted and snorted like idiots. The mane six would be presenting the challenges for them this fine evening, except for Pinkie Pie, who had done her part by bestowing the power of cupcakes upon Anthony. “Alright, the first challenge is...” Twilight said dramatically. Ian and Anthony leaned forward, ready for anything. “A book. GO!” Anthony looked at his cupcake, and threw it at Twilight. The mare caught it with her magic, and stared blissfully into the Cupcake’s basking glow. Bliss soon turned to horror, and she threw it into the dust. “Ugh! Cupcakes is a terrible story! It was so poorly written... ugh!” Anthony walked off in shame. Ian giggled like a maniac, and threw his donut in the air. It came back to earth as the complete saga of 50 Shades of Grey. “FU-” ANTHONY: 0 IAN: 0 *** “Alright, so yah both failed tha’ one,” Applejack said, looking the two over. “Heh, your MOM failed that one!” Ian said, snortling at his lame joke. “Mah ma is dead.” Ian fell silent. “Anyways, next one is: who can buck the most apples with their food!” Anthony grabbed his onion, before realizing that he wasn’t going to be using that food until 2019. He picked up his cupcake, and threw it at the apple tree in front of him. It hit the trunk with an unceremonious splat. “Aw, sh-” All of the apples fell off of the tree and perfectly into the baskets. “I mean, I knew that was going to happen!” Ian stared his friend pegasus down. “You think you’re so great...” The unicorn hurled his donut at the tree. It bounced off, and into a nearby foal’s hospital, where it exploded. The screams of dying foals filled the air, along with the smell of bacon frying. “Oops...” Ian smiled goofily, and a light hearted laugh track played, barely drowning out the screams of dying ponies. ANTHONY: 1 IAN: 0 *** “Alright, now, we’re going to see whose food can become the sexiest hands, so warm and soft, and fingery-” Rainbow Dash shoved Lyra out of the scene. It was Rarity’s challenge now, and the group was standing on the edge of a rocky cliff face. “Right, now, we’re going to see whose food can find gems the best!” Rarity said with a dazzling smile. Spike, who was carrying all the extra food, fainted, getting pink frosting all over himself. “Heh, that wouldn’t be the first time Spike passed out from pleasure and got pink frosting all over himself!” Twilight said with a chuckle. This warranted some very odd looks in her direction. “Right, um, anyway...” Rarity said, feeling a bit uncomfortable. “Uh... Go!” Anthony grabbed the only undamaged cupcakes from the unconscious dragon’s body. He held the cupcake out, trying to scan for gems. A large gust of wind immediately knocked him off the side of the cliff. Everypony assumed he had died, and was just discussing who would get his stuff when Anthony hoved back up. Apparently, everypony had forgotten he was a pegasus. “God dammit, you guys can’t even-” A large boulder was blown off the cliff by another gust of wind, where it spackled Anthony right in the face. And chest, and testicles, and general body vicinity. “Wow, that’s some strong wind,” Twilight commented. Ian smiled. Now was his chance! Taking his donut, he let it roll on the ground. Following it until it fell on its side, he dug up the area underneath it. Pulling out something large and heavy, he grinned. This round was his! It turned out just to be a giant bomb. ANTHONY: 1 IAN: DED *** After a stop back at Sugarcube Corner to get more pastries, and after a quick black magic resurrection, courtesy of Fluttershy and her cult, Ian and Anthony prepared themselves for Fluttershy’s challenge. “Um... if it’s ok with you, I’d like you to make a nice, soft pillow for the wolfs who just got attacked by some weebos, and the poor things are still recovering.” Anthony took his cupcake, and sprinkle glitter all over it. Grabbing some glue, he poured that all over the cupcake, and then wrapped it in toilet paper. After removing said toilet paper, the result was a large black pillow covered in spikes. “Darnit!” Ian took his donut, and smashed it all over his face. He then rubbed his face all over Rarity’s mane. Rarity screeched, and grabbed a nearby frying pan to beat Ian merciesly. After his severe punishment, Ian walked down to the “Everything Except Fabric Softener” store, and bought a pillow. ANTHONY: POTATO IAN: 1 *** “Alright, since I get to do the grand finale, I’m gonna make it extra awesome!” Rainbow Dash smiled, her head high. “Whosoever food makes a sonic rainboom first, wins!” Anthony took his cupcakes, kissed it, and jumped into the air, beating his wings as fast as he could. He immediately fell to the ground, smashing the cupcakes, and caught fire for good measure. Ian licked his donut hole (giggity) and jumped in the air. He shot straight up, breaking the Sound Barrier and creating several sonic rainbooms. However, he didn’t stop there. The unicorn shot off into the sky, and straight to the moon. Landing down next to a dead Tom Cruise and killer whale, he saw Luna playing cards with Desmond the Moonbear. “Luna?” Ian asked. “What are you doing on the moon again?” Luna sighed. “Yeah, I accidentally saved over Tia’s half-life again.” A man with brown hair and a green sweater, who was drinking a can of coke laughed. “Oh, Luna. When will you ever learn?” Mari, as a ponified version of herself, popped out of a crater. “I’m also in this fanfiction!” Ian and Luna got married on the moon, and lived a happy twenty seven minutes together before Ian dumped her for Tom Cruise’s dead body. Anthony was rushed to Ponyville Hospital to be treated for his burns, where he died of Childhood obesity. Edd escaped from the moon, and went on to star in his own Fanfiction written by Elijah. Elijah grew up to become a hobo scrounging behind the McDonalds for scraps. He died at age 22 from uterine cancer. A semi-solid, half transparent blonde haired man sat on the ground, overlooking Canterlot from a cave while tuning his guitar. He looked up, and said “I’m Kurt Cobain’s ghost, and I approve of this fanfic.” THE END (For Realz) Author's Note: Why This Will Never Have a SequelI'm not going to write a sequel to this, no matter how many of you PM me about it. I'm not gonna do anymore spin-offs either, I think we all learned our lesson with Pewdiepie in Equestria on that one. The reason I say this is because I have no desire to become a view whore. That's what I'd be if I made a sequel to this. So sorry, y'all. The Legacy EndsIan and Anthony were sitting on the remains of Fluttershy’s couch outside of her cottage, bored out of their minds. “God damn it now I do feel like we’ve exhausted every possible option.” “Well, we could hang out with Pewdiepie, he seems-” Ian punched Anthony in the face. “NO! HE WANTS TO TAKE LORETTA AWAY FROM ME AND DO BAD THINGS TO HER!” Anthony rubbed his face where Ian had smashed his hoof into it. “Yeah, I don’t think being in a relationship with a barrel is too healthy, anyway-” Another punch to the face greeted him. “OW! Dude, come on!” Ian was seething. “Why can’t you just let me and Loretta be together?” “I’m pretty sure Derpy was kidding when-” “When I did what?” The grey pegasus alighting the edge of the couch, scaring the crap out of Anthony. “Um... well, I-” Derpy got all up in Anthony’s grill. “Why can’t you just accept the fact that Ian is going to be with Loretta?” “Yeah, Anthony! Me and Loretta are perfectly happy together! Why can’t you just be glad that I finally found love?” Anthony facehoofed. “Am I the only sane pony here?” Pewdiepie patted his hoof and Anthony’s back. “I know the feel, bro.” “AH! MONSTER!” Anthony punched Pewdiepie in the face, knocking him out cold. “OH DEAR GOD I KILLED HIM!” “Quick, we have to hide the body!” Ian looked around to make sure no pony had seen the travesty that had happened. Pewdiepie got to his hooves. “No need guys, I’m cool.” “Well, should we dump him in the lake?” Anthony asked. “No, they’ll check there first. What we need is a hacksaw and 300 gallons of sulphuric acid,” Derpy said, furrowing her brow. Anthony and Ian starred at her. “What? I have experience with this.” “Guys! I’m fine! No need to hide my body or anything.” “Wait, didn’t shut up cartoons have an instructional on body hiding? Let’s watch that! It’ll sure help us!” Pewdiepie sighed, giving up on the idiots that lay before him, and trotted off to have his own magnificent adventure.
The Teleporting Fat Guy's New InventionERMAGERD, My Little Pony is da best show eve- SHUT UP! Ian ran into Anthony's bedroom. "Anthony, I have- what are you doing?" Anthony was wearing a full bodied fursuit. He was a cat. "It's for science. Duh. Anyway, what did you want to tell me?" Ian stared at Anthony for a few seconds, then continued. "Anyway, we received a mysterious message! Look," Ian held the letter up to Anthony's fursuited head. Anthony stared down at it, nodded his head a few times as though he were reading it, then said "Hold on, I can't read a single f**king thing with this furry head on." "AHA! I KNEW YOU WERE A FURRY!" Ian shouted and threw a rock at Anthony. "I told you it''s for science!" Anthony started to cry. "Ok, shut up for a little bit and read this note!" Dear Ian and Anthony, I have a surprise for you. Don't worry, it's not my penis. Sincerely, Not the Teleporting Fat Guy Anthony scratched his head. "Damn, who could it be from?" Ian shrugged. "Ok, change out of that freak costume and we'll go and ask the teleporting fat guy. He knows about things like this." Ian left the room to allow Anthony to change. "Goodbye, my love," Anthony said, kissing the snout of the fursuit head, a tear rolling down his cheek. Once the comedy duo reached the Teleporting Fat Guy's residence, they knocked upon the door. The Teleporting Fat Guy swung the door open. "Ah! Ian and Anthony! I've been expecting you! I need to show you something." "It better not be your penis," Anthony said as they entered the house. "Oh silly boy, of course it isn't! I have created a mod on my contraption that will send you too anywhere you desire!" "Isn't that the whole idea of teleportation?" Anthony said, staring at the Teleporting Fat Guy's arm band teleporter thingy. "Ah! That's the catch! It will even send you fictional places! Just think of anyplace you wish to go, and the machine will send you there!" "Ooh! I know where I want to go!" Ian grabbed the machine. "Hey, I want to choose where we go!" Anthony grabbed it as well. "I'll settle this." The Teleporting Fat Guy grabbed his machine back, and pressed a few buttons. "Touch my pits, guys!" Anthony and Ian shoved their hands under the Teleporting Fat Guy's armpits. "AH! Something bit me!" Ian screamed as the three were whisked off to parts unknown. After some bright flashing, the two opened their eyes. Everything was brighter, and something felt off. Then it hit them. The piano, I mean. "Sorry!" A grey pegasus who was flying over head with a precarious stack of heavy items trailing behind her called out. Ian looked around. "OH MY GOD WE'RE PONIES!" Anthony looked at the Teleporting Fat Guy. "We didn't want to go here!" The Teleporting Fat Guy, who was as overweight as ever, laughed and wobbled off. "Hey, send us back!" "No way! I'm off to score some pony poontang!"
Welcome to EquestriaAnthony stretched his wings. "Dude! This is awesome! I'm a pegasus!" Anthony did a few loop de loops before smashing directly into a tree. "Haha! You're such a fail-" Ian began before an anvil landed on his head. "Sorry!" yelled the same Grey pegasus from before. Ian and Anthony both recovered from their injuries and took a good look around. "I think we may be in Equestria," Anthony said. "And you know this why..." Ian looked at Anthony suspiciously. "It's a good show!" Anthony said in his defense. Ian rolled his giant eyes. "Anyway, let's find the Teleporting Fat Guy so he can help us out. I don'-" "OH MY GOSH! SMOSH!" The two former humans turned around to see a turquoise unicorn staring at them. "Um, do I know yo-" Ian started, but was promptly shoved out of the way so Anthony could run over to the unicorn. "LYRA!" Anthony hugged the pony full on, his wings shooting up into a wingboner. "Woah! Calm down!" Lyra giggled, a little embarrassed. Anthony blushed while Ian laughed in the background before getting hit by a large boulder. "Sorry!" yelled the grey pegasus for the third time. "GOD DAMMIT WHERE ARE GETTING ALL OF THIS STUFF?" It was Anthony's turn to laugh his plot off at his friend. "Anyway, smosh, I have to show you around! Ever since I was able to get my frequencies to pick up youtube, I've been hooked on you, Nigahiga, Pewdiepie, and Cavemanfilms. I also love the cartoons you guys have on shut up cartoons, those were hilarious! I'm sad Dos and Don'ts is over, but I love Snowjacked, it's hilarious!" Anthony didn't pay any attention to Lyra and just stared at her horn. "HEY! My eyes are down here!" Anthony shook himself out of his trance. "Oh. Heh. Sorry," He said, blushing again. Lyra looked a bit annoyed. "So, Ian, how do you feel about being in Equestria?" "I HATE HOW THAT GREY ONE KEEPS DUMPING HEAVY OBJECTS ON ME!" "You may want to move, then." "Huh? Why?" A whole castle fell onto Ian. "HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?!" "Come on, let's go! I'll take you to mine and Bon-Bon's place!" Anthony flew next to her. "So are you guys, like, you know-" "Oh no. We just live together." Anthony looked disappointed, and Ian crawled out from underneath the castle. Once they reached their destination, Lyra swung open the door. Bon-Bon took one look at Ian and Anthony. "EEEK! SMOSH!" The mare ran over and hugged them both. "Wait, if they see us as humans, how did they know us as ponies?" Ian asked. "Duh. Your cutie marks." Anthony and Ian looked down at their flanks. Ian's was a pink frosted sprinkled donut, and Anthony's was a rainbow lollipop. "This is so cool!" "Wait, then what's our talents?" Ian was determined on not enjoying the situation. "Duh. Anthony and you will both work at sugarcube corner." "Wait, so I get to meet Pinkie Pie?" Anthony inquired. "Yeah." Anthony passed out from excitement. Ian grinned wildly. "I am so writing 'I want to make love to Scootaloo' on his forehead."
Barbershop Pole ReturnsWhen Anthony awoke, Lyra, Ian, and Bon-Bon were laughing at him. “What’s so funny?” Ian tried to suppress a giggle, but ended up nearly throwing up. “Uh, your hair, is... funny...” “Really, let me fix it...” Anthony flipped his hair side to side. Lyra suddenly grabbed her lower abdomen. “MY OVERIES!” “Oh yeah, I forgot I could do that...” “Anyway, you guys head over to Sugercube corner while I go get Lyra some replacement ovaries,” Bon-Bon said, putting Lyra into a cart and pulling her away. “Aw man, I can’t wait to meet Pinkie Pie! This is going to be so awesome!” The two friends turned pony set out to Sugarcube corner. However, they met somepony along the way. “Hey guys, how’s it going?” The Teleporting Fat Pony asked. “Hey! There you are! send us back!” Ian reached over for the device. “No way dude! This is too sweet!” Anthony shoved Ian’s hoof away from the Teleporting Fat Guy’s wrist thingamabobber. “Anyway, I gotta trot guys, I may have laid the wrong pony. See yah!” Anthony stared after the Teleporting Fat Pony as he wobbled away. “Huh. I wonder who-” “OUTA MAH WAY!” Applejack smashed Anthony out of the way, into a nearby trashcan. “NOPONY LAYS MAH SISTER AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!” “Jesus, the Teleporting Fat Guy- er, Pony sure is a pedo!” Anthony brushed the refuse from his coat. “Yeah, sure, Scootalover,” Ian said, trying not to laugh again. “What?” Anthony looked over at Ian, oblivious to the writing on his face. “Nothing, man. C'mon, let’s go to this gay Sugarcube corner place.” Once reaching Sugarcube Corner, Ian saw something that infuriated him beyond belief. “BARBER SHOP POLE!” Ian ran at full speed into the pole, smashing it, maiming it, hitting it with fillies, and other things. “Hey, who’s attacking my pet barbershop pole?” Pinkie Pie bounced out of Sugarcube Corner. Anthony shrieked in pleasure. “OHMYGODPINKIEPIECANITOUCHYOURMANEDOYOUSMELLLIKECOTTONCABDYIBETYOUSOOHMYGODOHMYGODERMAHGERD!” “Um, what?” Pinkie said, obviously confused. “Let me touch your mane!” Pinkie Pie smiled nervously. “OKi doki loki! Just don’t get weird, ok?” Anthony was chewing on her hair. “Mmm... cotton candy...” “Ok, now see, that’s weird.” Anthony spit out Pinkie’s hair. “Heh. Sorry. I’m just a huge fan, that’s all.” “You’re not a fan, silly! You’re a pegasus! Those aren’t even related!” Pinkie laughed, then thought about that. “Or are they?” Anthony laughed. “Sorry about your pet barbershop pole, Ian hates those. I’m Anthony by the way.” Pinkie suddenly gasped. “OH MY GOODNESS! ARE YOU TOBUSCUS?” Anthony looked at Pinkie Pie with a quizzical look. “I’m just kidding, I know you’re Shane Dawson.” There was an awkward silence, with only the sound of Pip being smashed into the barbershop pole to provide a background noise. “KIDDING! I noticed your cutie marks, and by the way, I love the food battles!” Pinkie Pie and Anthony walked into Sugarcube Corner, and Anthony got behind the counter. “I hope you know how to handle the shop!” “Trust me, I once sold Lemonade to a homeless guy. I know how the business world works.” Anthony’s first customer walked in. “Hi!” Scootaloo walked into the bakery. “I’m here to pick up a ‘Congratz on the sex’ cake for Applebl...oo...” Scootaloo stared up into Anthony’s smiling face with the prophetic words written upon it. Slowly, she turned around and sprinted out. Pinkie Pie laughed. “You may want to wash your face.” Anthony looked in a mirror. “GOD DAMN IT IAN!” Anthony went to wash his face, while Ian walked in looking very sweaty. “Hey, do you have any more british kids? That one’s all used up.”
Pony Hard“Ian, you can’t go around beating the Barbershop Pole with small foals. Somepony’s bound to complain.” “I’m not sure you understand the magnitude of this situation. HE SLEPT WITH MY FUTURE WIFE!” “But if she’s your future wife, how do you know she’s not a total bitch, and her cheating on you was the perfect excuse to leave her?” Ian tried to respond, but Pinkie’s logic dumbfounded him. “Well damn. Nice one!” Pinkie Pie jumped up on the table and said triumphantly “PINKIE THE MASTER OF COMEBACKS!” Ian starred with pure loathing at the pink pony. “THAT’S MAH LINE...” Anthony returned with an alligator attached to his face. “Um, can somepony help me? I think it’s eating my soul.” Pinkie Pie coaxed the alligator off of the pegasus’s face. “Sorry. Gummy was just excited to see you! OOH! That reminds me! We have to throw a party! Lyra set up screenings of you guys that everpony watched every friday, so everypony will by dying to meet you guys! OOH! This is going to be great!” “OH MY GOD I’M GONNA GO TO ONE OF PINKIE PIE’S PARTIES!” Anthony squealed in delight. “Ok, don’t jizz yourself,” Ian said as he rolled his eyes. “This is going to be awesome! I better get to planning it! You guys go over and get Celestia! She loves your show!” Anthony fainted again. Pinkie Pie poked his face. “Does he do that often?” “Unfortunately.” Ian kicked Anthony in the wing. “Ian, why don’t you like Equestria?” Pinkie Pie gave Ian a hard look. “I’m just not into ponies like Anthony is, and besides…” Ian blushed and looked to the side. “Besides what?” “Um… I really want to rub Twilight Sparkle’s horn.” Pinkie Pie gave Ian a blank stare. “Um, anyway, you should probably go to Princess Celestia now…” “Yeah…” Ian dragged Anthony over to the train as they set out for Canterlot. Once reaching the royal Palace, Anthony woke up again. “OH MY GOD I’M GONNA MEET PRINCESS CELESTIA!” Ian lost his patients. “SHUT THE F-” A barrel dropped from the sky and hit Ian on the head. “Sorry!” Derpy yelled down to them as she flew overhead carrying many barrels behind her. “Man, I’m glad we’re not Pewdiepie, or else that would have been terrifying.” It was Anthony’s turn to drag his friend around. Entering the palace, Anthony trekked with the unconscious Ian to the throne room. There, Princess Celestia was drinking tea, which she promptly spit out when she saw the two entering. “Luna? Get out here now!” Luna’s voice resounded from somewhere in the back of the castle. “Not now, I just got a Bandos god sword, do you know how long it took me to get that from God Wars Dungeon? General Grandos is not a very easy boss monster, Tia, not at all-” “Smosh is here!” The two youtube celebrities heard several doors banging and Luna flew at full speed into the throne room. “OH MY GOSH! SMOSH!” Luna surveyed them. “Oh course, it would have been better if it were Pewdiepie, Antvenom, Regicidal1, Tobuscus, Nova, Cavemanfilms, CaptainSparklz, Steve and Larson from Top Ten FTW, or Ross Scott from Freeman’s Mind, but you guys are good too!” “Um, thanks?” Anthony said feeling slightly offended. “Wh- ah? Where are we?” Ian said, rubbing his head. “Anyway, why have you graced our presence?” Luna asked, still looking them over. Anthony smiled and answered. “Pinkie Pie is throwing a party in our honor, and she thought you guys might want to come!” “Of course we’ll come!” Celestia stood up excitedly. “Wow, you really like us, don’t you?” Anthony grinned. “I do, you guys are extremely hilarious, and you’re pretty much the only thing that isn’t game-related that Luna will watch.” Suddenly, a guard ran up, huffing and puffing. “Pr-princess Celestia! We have had reports one of the elements of harmony beating the living crap outa a pony who reportedly had sexual relations with her sister. What should we do?” Celestia waved him away. “Let him have his fun for now I’ll send him to the moon later.” The guard saluted and trotted off. “Let us go to the party now!” Luna and Celestia said in unison, then brohoofed and trotted out, Ian and Anthony walking behind them. At the party, the instant the two newly ponified humans entered, they were mobbed by thusand different ponies. “OH MY GOD, IAN IS SO CUTE AS A UNICORN!” shrieked Carrot Top. “Let me feel your wings, Anthony!” Colgate squealed, grabbing Anthony’s flying appendages, and rubbing them. Anthony fell to the ground, quaking in pleasure. “I loved ‘Firetruck!’” Cheerilee said, drooling over Ian. Anthony soaked up the attention, while Ian slipped off to go and try and find Twilight Sparkle. “I swear, I will rub your horn! I must get the mystical unicorn mayonnaise my father told me of!” Ian determinedly looked around, then proclaimed “I WILL NOT STOP SEARCHING FOR HER UNTIL I FIND HER, NO MATTER HOW LONG IT TAKES!” “Who are you talking too?” Twilight Sparkle, who was standing right there asked as she turned around. “Well, that was fast,” Ian said, surprised. “Hi, I’m Twilight Sparkle!” Twilight Sparkle held up her hoof. Ian shook it while he planned out his next move in his mind very carefully. He knew he was going to have to be very subtle if her were going to pull this off. “Hey, can I rub your horn?” Twilight looked taken aback by this question. Ian smiled and hoped she wouldn’t kill him. “Um, ok… but let’s take this somewhere more private…” Twilight grabbed Ian’s hoof and dragged him away into the bedroom. Anthony, who was watching this, seethed in envy. “He doesn’t even like the show! He’s just using her for her horn! To get back at him, I’m gonna have sex with the first pony I see!” Anthony turned around and stared straight at Big Macintosh.” “God damn it!”
A Song from the HeartWell guys, this one has that perverted feel that Smosh has to many of their videos. I love this song, and couldn't resist. Hope you guys don't hate me. And since it isn't detailed description, and just making fun of a song, I don't think this warrants mature or clopfic status. Anthony ran away as fast as he could from Big Mac, who seemed intent on making him his buttbuddy. "God damn it, I get stuck with the only gay pony in Equestria, I'm fairly sure," Anthony said, hiding under the couch. Suddenly, a huge stage unfurled, and the lights went out. Ian and the Teleporting Fat Pony walked into the stage as lights illuminated it one by one. "Lay down that one beat, Vinyl!" Ian shouted, and Vinyl Scratch, somehow managed to understand which beat Ian had meant and she put a very familiar beat down. "Sometimes… something beautiful happens in this world…" Ian started. "Oh God, is he going to…" Anthony stared in horror at the stage, realizing what had just happened. "You just don't know how to express yourself… so you just gotta sing…" "NO!" Anthony shouted, as he ran up top the stage. "I just had sex… And it felt so good!" Ian sang at the top of his lungs as he pumped his hooves. "NOOOO!" Anthony was running in slow motion as he shoved ponies out of the way in a mad dash to get to the stage. "A mare let me put my cannon penis inside of her!" Anthony was sobbing as he flew into the air, determined to reach Ian and stop this horror. "I just had seeeeex and I'll never go back to those non-sex having ways of the past…" Anthony flew directly into the wall, and Ian continued. "Have you ever had sex? I have, it felt great! It felt so good when I did it with my cannon penis! A mare let me do it, it literally just happened! Having sex can make a nice stallion out of the meanest!" The Teleporting Fat Pony picked up the mike now. "You'll never guess what I just did, I had sex. And If I could describe the feeling, it was the best! When I had sex, man, my cannon penis felt great! And I called my parents right after I was done." Anthony thought about that last part. "Wait, didn't your parents die in that-" Ian picked up the mike, drowning out Anthony's observation. "Oh hey, didn't see you there, guess what I just did? Had sex, rubbed her horn, f**ked her and the rest!" "Sure nice of you to let her do that thing!" The Teleporting Fat Pony commentated. "Nice of any mare ever. NOW SING!" In unison, the two started to sing. "I JUST HAD SEEEEEX… AND IT FELT SOOOO GOOOOD! A MARE LET ME PUT MY CANNON PENIS INSIDE OF HEEEERRRRR!!!! I wanna tell the world!" Twilight Sparkle was facehoofing in the background while Applebloom sobbed and was being hugged by her sister. "It's ok, he won' hurtcha again…" The singing started again. "To be honest, I'm surprised she even wanted me to do it, doesn't even really make sense, but man, screw it. I ain't one to argue with a good thing. She could even be my wife!" "That good?" "Best thirty seconds of my life!" "I'm humbled by a mare's ability to do it, because honestly I'd have sex with a pile of manure. That said, a nice soft clean-smelling mare is better." "She even let me do it in my chain and my turtleneck sweater!" Ian and the Teleporting Fat pony were once again singing at the same time. "So this one is dedicated to them mares, who let us flop around on top of them! If you're short or tall, near or far, we all want to thank you for letting us f**k you!" Ian was singing solo now, with the Teleporting Fat Pony interjecting at choice times. "She kept looking at the clock." "Doesn't matter, had sex!" "She put a bag on my head!" "Doesn't matter had sex!" "But I cried the whole time!" "Doesn't matter had sex!" "I think I may have broken my balls!" "Still counts!" The whole crowd was in awe. "I HAD SEEEEEX! AND MY DREAMS CAME TRUE! SO IF YOU HAD SEX IN THE LAST THIRTY MINUTES THEN THAT QUALIFIES YOU TO SING ALONG!" Nopony sang along. Anthony cried as he held a gun up to his head. "I just had sex! And it felt so good! A mare let me put my cannon penis inside of her! I just had sex! And I'll never go back to those non-sex having ways of the past!" Twilight walked up to the stage and punched Ian in the face.
I'm Your Biggest Fan"Jesus, Ian, only Pinkie Pie can randomly burst into song and get away with it, haven't you learned anything?" "But what about the time everypony was at the gala and-" "Pinkie Pie was also there, making it acceptable." Ian was still holding ice over his black eye, two days after the party. "Well, still. They could have at least not locked us up in this dungeon." "I don't even know why I'm here! I was trying to stop you!" "You were trying to shoot yourself with a party cannon!" "Well, I was stopping it for me, at least." As you may have guessed, the song did not go over too well, and the comedy duo was rotting in prison. The Teleporting Fat Pony was last rumored too be seen fleeing on the train to Manehaten. Applebloom was going through a trauma course, and Twilight Sparkle was really pissed at Ian. "Also, dude, you don't brag about having sex through song. While I'm sure The Lonely Island would be very proud of you-" "Look, I get it. I messed up. But let's not just focuse on me! You are just as much to blame for this mess!" "Dude, I didn't do anything wrong!" "You exploded Lyra's ovaries." "That was an accident, and she's not pressing charges, so we're cool. She just made us promise to visit her in the hospital, which we can't now since we're locked up in mother firetrucking jail!" Ian thought long and hard about this. "You ate all the ice cream that one time." "HOW THE HELL ARE THOSE TWO INSTANCES EVEN RELATED?!" "I dunno, you're the furry, you tell me!" "AGAIN, TWO TOTALLY UNRELATED-" "Hey, mare, quite fighting. Somepony paid your bail." The Jailor opened Ian and Anthony's holding cell. "Really? I wonder who!" "Hey guys!" Ian and Anthony looked around to see where that voice was coming from. "Down here!" The two looked down to see a purple dragon staring up at them. "Hey! I'm Spike- OOF!" Ian and Anthony both bearhugged Spike. "OHMYGOD THANK YOU FOR SAVING US FROM THAT PRISON! I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO DIE IN THERE!" "OHSWEETJESUS THANK YOU SO MUCH SPIKE PLEASE TELL TWILIGHT THAT SHE'S THE BEST (and only) SEX I'VE EVER HAD!" Spike sniffed the air. "Phew, something smells!" "Oh yeah, we didn't shower for the last two days." Spike gagged and slipped out of the two unwashed former inmates' grasps and fell to the ground. "Why the heck haven't you showered?" "We're not sure how it works here, but in our prisons, you generally want to avoid dropping the soap, and we were not willing to take that chance." Spike was about to ask why, but then came to the realization he probably didn't want to know. "Anyway, I wanted to show you guys something! I'm a huge fan!" Ian sighed and rolled his eyes. "Who isn't around here?" Spike and the two ponies returned to Twilight's house. Ian had to sneak in through the window. "Ok, Twilight's not home!" Spike slipped under Twilight's bed and opened a trapdoor. "Come on down!" Ian and Anthony obliged, and entered the door. "Uh..." On the left side of the room, it was dedicated to Rarity. Posters, very accurate drawings, pieces of her hair and her belongings were strewn about. On the other side was posters of smosh, a computer with the smosh website set up, and the fanfic "milk"in another window that just happened to be open. The two shrines were split down the middle of the room perfectly. "This is the creepiest f**king thing ever," Ian said, trying to escape, but Spike stopped him. "NO! You can't leave! You owe me, I bailed you out!" Ian sighed, and walked back into the creepy shrine room. "What do you want us to do?" Spike smiled fiendishly. "Reenact 'Milk.'" "Oh good one, I was-" Spike was starting up an enema machine that was filled with milk. "Oh Jesus, he's not kidding."
The Condition“Ok, now we have to hide the body.” “Hide what body? We didn’t kill him.” Ian realized that could be a problem. “Ok, then let’s kill him so we can-” “No! Then I won’t be able to meet Rarity, Fluttershy, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash! We can’t kill him yet.” “Well, we are soon going to have to reenact the gayest and worst fanfiction that was originally written for Fallout Boy that got adapted to fit us” “It’s the only fanfiction that was originally written for Fallout boy that got adapted to fit us.” “Exactly.” Anthony looked around while Spike was putting some finishing touches on the milk enema machine. “Ok, so what should we do? And wait, wasn’t there a third guy in there somewhere...” Anthony came to the stunning realization. “Sh*t, we gotta get outa here.” “Don’t worry, I have a plan!” Ian ran over to the shrine of Rarity, took one of the candles, and put it up to the poster of Rarity. “Spike, i don’t want to do this. Just let us go, and we’ll let Rarity live.” Spike dropped the wrench. “Not the poster! You wouldn’t...” Ian furrowed his brow. “Damn, he knows I’m not actually gonna do it...” “Fine!” Spike gave up. “You can go. On one condition... bring me one of Rarity’s used tissues.” Anthony and Ian shrugged, and went to leave. “You’re f**king creepy, Spike.” Ian and Anthony climbed out from under the bed, and came face to face with Twilight Sparkle. “Oh, hey Twilight. Listen, Spike was just-” Twilight punched Ian in his other eye. “AH! F**K!” “Take that you son of a bitch! Oh, and nice to see you, Anthony.” “Nice to see you too, Twi! Listen, do you have any of Rarity’s used tissues? It’s for, um, science!” Twilight gave Anthony a really weird look, and left the room. “Damn. I guess we’ll have to follow Rarity around until she uses a tissue.” “That’s almost as creepy as reenacting milk.” “Whatever dude. I get to hang around Rarity for a day. And what do you have? Two black eyes and broken balls.” Anthony strutted away fabulously. “Damn that’s fabulous!” Ian gritted his teeth. “Challenge accepted, Anthony. Challenge accepted.” Anthony flew over to the Carousel Boutique, and knocked on the door. “What is it, I’m very- ANTHONY!” Rarity squealed as she flung open the door and grabbed Anthony, kissing him several times about his head, neck, and wings. “Oh yeah. I still got it,” Anthony said, feeling his swag meter raise a few bars. “Anyway, I don’t have much time, but you can lounge around the shop if you want,” Rarity said, levitating a dress over to another end of the shop, accomplishing nothing. “Actually, can I have one of your tissues? A used one, if you don’t kind.” Rarity gave Anthony an odd look, then gave him a used tissue. “Thanks!” Anthony ran outside to see Ian with a very strange and complicated machine that looked like a catapult, a hot air balloon and a merry go-round has some demented love child. “Don’t worry, I have the tissue.” Ian pulled up his most trusted accomplice, and pressed it. “That was easy.”
Title UnrelatedIan and Anthony delivered the tissue to Spike, who immediately sniffed it, licked it, and did some other nasty crap to it. "My god, that little dragon kid is creepy." Anthony and Ian fled from the horror that was Spike. "So what should we do now? I feel we've exhausted every possible situation short of zombie apocalypse or some other stupid thing like that." "Well, we haven't visited Fluttershy, Applejack, or Rainbow Dash yet, I think we could do something with them. I think." Suddenly, a zombie came out of nowhere and bit Anthony's left hoof. "AHGH! JESUS! I'M GONNA DIE!" Ian grabbed Anthony and levitated him away from the zombie pony. "Don't worry, we'll camp out at Fluttershy's until this whole thing blows over." "That seems like a place of no hijinks of any type that could go on that would result in us dying!" So Ian and Anthony ran to Fluttershy's house and barricaded themselves inside. "Hey guys! What, um, are you doing in my house?" Fluttershy walked out from behind the couch once she was sure it wasn't a rapist. "ZOMBIES! NO TIME TO EXPLAIN!" Anthony inexplicably pulled a large number of wooden planks from behind a lamp and nailed the door shut. Ian did the same to the food cabinet. "Ian, why is it that everytime zombies show up, you barricade us from the food?" "I am a firm believer in the snack zombies." "That doesn't make any sense!" "DON'T MAKE FUN OF MY RELIGION!" Fluttershy poked her head into the kitchen where the two friends were arguing. "Um, not to be a bother or anything, but don't you think we should save our friends? Ian and Anthony both laughed. "Oh, silly filly. Less friends means less competition for food once every pony's a zombie!" "Oh, I never thought of it that way," Fluttershy said. "Well, that's why we're here." Ian and Anthony stared at the wall for the next three hours while Fluttershy went to the basement to do some stuff. Loud and suspicious noises came from the basement, but Ian and Anthony had long since learned not to question things like that. "So how long do you think we can go without food?" Ian was eating the couch. "What?" "Hey, share that with me!" Anthony grabbed the couch away from Ian. "No way dude, it's mine!" Anthony punched Ian in the face. Ian fell back, and went for Anthony's wing. Anthony felt a snap as his wing was twisted. "OH HEELL NAW!" Anthony picked up Ian and threw him into the wall, where he fell unconscious. "Dick." Fluttershy walked up from the basement. "I finished my communications with lord Shmooz, he should be able to- um..." The yellow pegasus surveyed the room. Ian lay unconscious next to her, while the living room was torn apart. Anthony sat on her couch, which had huge bite marks out of it, chowing down. "Your couch is great! What flavor is it?" Fluttershy just stared in awe at the scene before her. Finally, she said something. "Are you going to use Ian for anything?" Anthony shrugged and washed down the couch bite he had in his mouth with some kerosene. "Probably not. Why?" "I need a sacrifi- I mean, volunteer for my demonic ri- I mean, cult- I mean, project. Yeah, project." Anthony moved on to a chair. "Sure, take him!" Fluttershy grinned evilly. "Excellent."
FluttercultAnthony soon grew tired of the couch. Sure, it was delicious, but it lacked in the relationship department. So, he broke up with it. "I'm sorry... it's just that we've grown apart. It's not me, it's you. Now, I'm going to shove you outside so i don't have to look at your ugly face anymore." Anthony carried out this plan with surprisingly good results. "Huh. If only that had worked as well with my last girlfriend." Anthony was now bored. Which was normally Ian's job, but... Heh, it's funny, because there's a show called Ian is Bored on... screw you guys, that was funny! *cough* Anywhore, so Anthony decided to investigate the basement. Not because he thought there was anything suspicious going on, but because he's a creeper that way. "Hey, Fluttershy, somepony who was definitely not me broke in and ate your couch. Also-" Anthony stopped in mid sentence when he reached the basement. It was a large cavern with multiple fires illuminating it, giving it a pleasant hell-red glow. Skeletons adorned the walls, and a shed lay at the far end of the cavern. All around, he could see ponies hanging from the walls by shackles, and in the very center was a large stone slab with a pentagram written in red paint(?) directly in the middle. Surrounding that were heads impaled on torches made of bones. "Come one! How come everypony has a better basement then me?" "Anthony? Is that you?" Anthony turned around, his hair flipping in the process. "AAH! MY OVARIES!" Anthony was staring at Lyra, who he assumed would be clutcher his lower abdomen had her arms not been chained to the wall. "Lyra!" Anthony ran over to unchain her, but found that his feeble hooves were no match for the cheap plastic that binded her. "Anthony... I just... got new ovaries... you bastard..." Anthony smiled sheepishly. "Sorry 'bout that." He took another good look around. Also chained were Tobuscus, Pewdiepie, Cavemanfilms, Shane Dawson, and various others were also chained. "She takes famous youtubers... and kills them for Shmooz... she's gotten Ray William Johnson, Fred (thank Celestia), and... Nigahiga already... now she's going to- sh*t! Hide!" Anthony hid behind Lyra as he saw a cloaked figure walk over and unchain Tobuscus from the wall. "Well, well, well, Toby. Looks like you'll be having some time in the spotlight tonight!" Rarity said as her hood fell back. Tobuscus tried to scream, but Rarity had placed a dirty sock in his mouth. "Now now. Don't fight it! It'll only hurt for a seconds, and then you'll die." Rarity dragged the ponified web star up to the sacrificial altar and threw him there. She removed the sock from his mouth. "HELP ME! OH GOD, SOMEBODY HELP!" Rarity giggled. "It's always more enjoyable when they scream!" She plunged her knife into Tobuscus's stomach. Toby screamed in pure agony as the blade tore his insides asunder. "Lord Shmooz will be pleased!" Rarity's eyes looked in opposite directions as she dealt the final blow to Tobuscus, and he promptly died. Anthony would have been horrified, if he had not been staring at Lyra's plot the entire time. "Anthony! They're going to kill Ian next! You have to do something!" "Uh huh..." Anthony started to stroke Lyra's left flank. "ANTHONY! If we live, I'll let you fondle my flank as much as you want! Now go out there and save them!" Anthony glided over to the altar, where he stole Tobuscus's wallet. Quickly, he hid under the altar as Rarity returned. "Alright, Cult Leader Fluttershy wants me to sacrifice Lyra and Shane Dawson before we get to Ian, so say goodbye to them one last time." No pony said goodbye, so Rarity got right to it and untied Lyra first. "Wait, I can't use you, your ovaries are damaged. We need you to be in perfect sexual health to sacrifice, or else- wait... there's only one pony I know who could do that..." Rarity stared at the altar. Anthony began to sweat, and not just from the fire that was raging on his left wing. "Spike! He probably did this..." Rarity turned around to find the purple dragon. Anthony jumped up. "No, you idiot! Spike isn't even a pony!" Then he realized he had just blown his cover. "Sh*t." Rarity pulled out her dagger and charger Anthony. Anthony grabbed her front hooves and threw her over backwards into a pool of lava that was conveniently stationed behind him. "That was easy." "Not too easy, I'm afraid." Anthony turned around, flipping his hair again. "AAH! MY BACK-UP OVARIES!" Lyra shouted iin the background. Fluttershy stood up on the altar, holding the unconscious Ian by the horn. "So sorry to ruin this, but I can't have you killing my favorite cult followers like that. While I go fix Rarity, Twilight will commence the ritual. Don't try to save us from the demonic corruption by attacking her or anything." Anthy frowned. "Damn, I was just about to do that, but now I can't... gonna have to think of another way to-" "God damn, you bloody poof!" Anthony looked around. "Charlie?" "Yeah, it's me yah wanker! Now listen up! The demons have taken over Fluttershy and Rarity's minds! Twilight's only here to kill Ian while she has a legit reason, but you're going to have to use your power to stop it!" Anthony boldly stepped up, and charged Twilight Sparkle. The lilac unicorn looked confused for a second, then screamed when Anthony flipped his hair. Clutching her lower abdomen, she fell to the ground, writhing in pain from her exploded ovaries. Fluttershy pulled a seemingly unharmed Rarity from the lava pit. "Wait... how is she not..." "You wouldn't think I'd put real lava in here? Somepony might get hurt! It's just orange soda." Anthony ignored this perfectly logical decision and turned back to Twilight. She was still laying on the ground, clutching her ovaries. "Anthony!" Rarity shouted. Anthony hair flipped again, causing Fluttershy to squeak in pain as she grabbed her lower abdominal region. "We still need a sacrifice to placate Lord Shmooz!" Anthony looked around. Finally, he decided on Nova. "Sorry, Nova." Anthony picked him up, threw him onto the slab, and killed him. Nothing happened. "Lord Shmooz is pleased! Hooray!" Rarity ran about, letting ponies free. Ian opened his eyes. "Unghh... what happened?" Anthony laughed. "If only you knew... if only you knew." Ian gave him a hard stare. "That is the lamest way to end a chapter ever." But it's not them end, oh dear Ian! "AH! Who said that?" Me! I'm the writer! "Cool! Can you-" No. "Aw..." In a few hours, all the youtube stars, along with Rarity, were visiting Fluttershy, Lyra, and Twilight in the hospital as they waited to have their ovaries replaced. "Jesus, Anthony, you may want to contain your hair, or else they might run out of ovary doners. by the way, where are you getting these ovaries from?" "I was told there were going to be free silver spoons here-" Silver Spoon bagan, but was cut off by Rarity. "There's one! Get her!" Two security gaured shoved Silver Spoon into a bag and carried her and Twilight off into the operating room. "Oh. Ok then."
The Fabulous Meta ChapterElijah walked home from the bus stop, walked inside his house, and threw his bag on the floor. People were waiting for him. They counted on him to get things done, for their entertainment. He had done so much in such a short time, but recently had fallen behind. These people needed him. Had they forgotten him? His deeds? His hard work? Had they moved on to someone else? Elijah knew he could not let that happen. He rushed into his room, turned on his computer, started google chrome, and started up facebook. "Oh good. Everything's fine with farmville." Then, Elijah heard a curious noise. One like no other heard before by the likes of him. It was the saddest sound ever. It was the collect groans of One Hundred and Sixty Six bronies who were waiting for the next part of his fanfiction. Elijah turned off Farmville. "You know what, you guys are right. I haven't been paying attention to you. I've just been caught up in so many other things... so much other stuff... posting random stories that don't make any sense, when you just want the legacy to continue. That's it. you've changed my mind, and my heart. I will commence the writing of BORDERMARES CHAPTER FOUR!" Elijah then heard the sound of 166 bronies facepalming. WE'RE BACK, EVERYPONY!
Boxman in EquestriaBoxman sat alone. He had been forgotten by his friends, Ian and Anthony, never to been seen again. Boxman's era was up, so now he was committing suicide in the most horrible manner possible. He was going to watch a Jersey Shore marathon. FOR ONE HOUR STRAIGHT. Why would one choose such a horrible fate? We may never know, but fortunatly, someone stopped in to save him, right as he was about to press the button whoch would have caused his horrible demise. "Boxman! I need you!" Elijah grabbed the boxed man and threw him through a random portal. "Why the hell do you need me?" Boxman felt a little bit of joy ignite in his long dead heart. "I'm running out of ideas, so, I thought I'd take a page from The Simpson's book and just put in a bunch of celeb cameos!" Boxman felt the small bit of joy be brutally murdered. He stared at the ponies that had congregated around him. "You want me to sing a song, don't you?" The ponies nodded their heads. "Fine..." Boxman jumped to his feet. "Woah! What's this? I'm in a kids TV show? Man, this is one place I thought I'd never go! When I thought Brony, I thought fag! But now I got some of this pony swaaaggg..." Everypony stared at Boxman, unamused. "You suck. No wonder you havn't been around for a while." Carrot Top than lit Boxman on fire. Boxman screamed and ran around, flailing his arms to and fro, before falling off a conveniently placed cliff, where he died in horrible agony for twenty-six more hours then he would have if he had just watched Jersey Shore. "Well, that was entertaining. I like liking things on fire! I think I'll go torch Twilight Sparkle's house!" Carrot Top trotted off, lighting small fires here and there. The other ponies stared after her, then were about to go back to their daily routine when a Pewdiepony and Princess Luna ran by, screaming. "I TOLD YOU TO STAHY AWAY FROM DAH BARRELS!" "I TOLD THOU MY APOLOGIES!" A large monster with a badly drawn smiley super glued to its face chased after the two heroes. Derpy flew behind it, whistling the tune to Spongebob and eating a muffin. "This day couldn't get any weirder," said an annonymous background pony, whoom I have dubbed "Snubbles." Then, a large couch landed on Snubbles, killing him instantly. "Ian, watch it! I don't want you to stain the couch!" "Sorry! I'm still getting used to this horn thing!" Ian and Anthony sat down of the half-eaten couch which they now used to sit everywhere. Laughing, the two watched as the monster chased Luna and Pewdiepony around. Ponies stared at the two. "What are you looking at?" Asked Anthony. "We need you to do something to drive the plot forward!" Ian sighed dramatically and rolled his eyes. "Do we have to? It sounds like work." "Could this get anymore meta? I mean, honestly-" Anthony began, but was interrupted by the following events. From the sky came an angelic chorus, and down from heaven descended... Elijah. "Never fear, for I will-" Ian shot Elijah in the face, killing him. "WHAT THE HELL?" Anthony screamed. "There! He's dead, and now we won't ever have to deal with his stupidity ever again! No more lame self-inserts, and no more doucebagery!" Ian put the gun back into the folds of the couch, where it joined an old bottle, three sticks of gum, a penny, and Fluttershy's very own copy of "Mares Gone Wild." Something odd was happening, though. slowly, the world began to fade, ponies and scenery disappearing. "What's going on?" Ian asked rather stupidly. "You idiot, killing the author will make the story stop! We're all gonna die!" Anthony smacked Ian up a bit, accomplishing nothing, and letting the world degrade even further while they wasted precious time they could have been using to think of an idea to save them. "Wait! I know," Ian said, taking a cue from the narrative. "We can write the story! Then we don't have to die!" Ian produced a pen and paper from out of nowhere, and began to write. "Do you seriously just carrry pen and paper around for just this occasion?" "And you called me paranoid. WHO'S LAUGHING NOW, MOM?" An older, white maned pony smacked Ian in the face. "I am! I found out about Equestria a while ago, and I've been taking all of your milk and replacing it with Big Macintosh's sperm! So there!" Ian's eyes widened in horror, and he looked over at Big Macintosh. "Eeyup." Ian sat there, jaw hanging wide open, then came to the conclusion. "Wait... it actually didn't taste that bad." Ian's mom threw up her hooves in defeat and trotted away, while Big Macintosh stared in shock at Ian. "Oh, give me that! We're going to stop existing at this rate!" Anthony grabbed the paper, and began to write.
Thanks for the MemoriesAnthony's Magic Mare Molesting Memoir Twilight Sparkle licked the side of Anthony's face. Anthony bobbed his equine head up and down while Trixie massaged his hooves. "Oh yeah... this is good..." Anthony licked his lips as Pinkie Pie spread whipped- Ian grabbed the pen and paper away from Anthony. "Hey, I was writing with that!" "Dude, you can't call that 'writing.'" "What was wrong with it?" Ian facehoofed. "What do you mean, what was wrong with it? EVERYTHING! Here, let me try it..." Ian's Super Sexy Stallion Story Big Macintosh spread butter all up and down Ian's stomach, while Soarin stroked his hair. Slowly, he- "Dude," Anthony said, stopping Ian's writing. "That's kinda gay." "What? No it's not!" "It's totally gay!" "Oh, so having a guy spread butter on your stomach while another guy strokes your hair is gay now, huh?" "YES!" Ian rolled his eyes. "Obama's America..." The Teleporting Fat Pony waddled over. "Don't worry guys, I got this one." The Teleporting Fat Pony's Fantastic Filly Fondling Foray Scootaloo rubbed soap all over her body, while Applebloom and Sweetie Belle covered themselves in ice cream. All three of the filly's began to make out while the incredibly handsome Teleporting Muscular Sexy Pony licked Scootaloo's back. Then- "What?" The Teleporting Fat Pony asked as he stared at the disgusted looks upon his two friend's faces. "Dude... that's f**ked up..." "Yeah. Get some help... like, now." "Hey, don't tell me how to live my life! For all you know, they could have liked it!" "They were crying." "Those were happy tears!" "Why was Sweetie Belle screaming 'kill me' then?" The Teleporting Fat Pony did not have a response to this. Ian sighed. "Look, we're all going to die, anyway, so-" "Not so fast..." Looking up into the sky, they saw Princess Celestia descend down upon upon the Youtube stars. Taking the pen and paper, she went on to re-write everything that happened it Equestrian history, ever. "Woah..." Anthony said, staring at the glorious spectacle. "Nice flanks." Princess Celestia bucked him in the face. "You all have done enough damage to my kingdom. You were fun for a while, but now you must go." "But I get to stay, right?" The Teleporting Fat Pony put on his most convincing smile. Princess Celestia incinerated him with a beam of light. "Now, goodbye, Ian and Anthony. You were hilarious. Also, if I don't see a video next Friday, I'll kill you, ok?" "So much for 'benevolent ruler.'" Ian muttered as he rolled his eyes. "I heard that." Ian squeaked as him and Anthony were transported back to Earth. Looking around at their mundane house, both of the newly restored humans sighed. They missed Equestria already... "I wish there was a way we could go back..." Ian said, a tear leaking from his eye. "Well, the Teleporting Fat Guy gave us the mechanism schematics! With enough hard work and determination, we could-" "Nah, let's just get drunk and cry ourselves to sleep." Anthony rolled his eyes. "We do that every saturday." TO SEE BLOOPERS AND DELETED SCENES, GO TO SMOSH.COM! THANKS FOR SUBSCRIBING! AND IF YOU DON'T, I'll cry. Seriously. Watch me. *** Elijah typed the last words into his computer. "Well, it's over. There goes my only chance at a featured story." Then, turning to look at you guys, he said "Unless, you were to read my other stories, and get them featured... that could work very-" "Elijah! Why are you talking to the wall?" "Shut up, mom!" "Also, didn't you die?" Elijah sighed, and shut his computer off. Time to experience the real world. This story is dedicated to Elijah Goldberg, who died by getting hit by a car. If only he had stayed inside... Author's Note: Guys, I had a great time writing this story! For those of you who stuck with me until the very end, thank you all so much. I did get featured once on this story, but please, could you guys do it again? I know this was my one chance, so I don't want it to be wasted. Thanks so much. Also, penis. IF YOU LIKED "IF SMOSH WERE PONIES", THEN YOU'LL LOVE: Bordermares Rarity's Hairbrush Pewdiepie in Equestria This thing The Tragic Tragedy and The Toaster of the Gods Enjoy, everypony!
Food Battle 2012: EquestriaYou guys thought If Smosh Were Ponies was over? F**k no! That's the only reason most of you have even come to like my stories! Elijah awoke peacefully one fine morning to hear a loud pounding on the door. “Go get the door, you son of a bitch!” A raspy female voice called out from a few rooms away. “Love you too, mom!” Elijah rushed to the door, and flung it open. Nearly kneeling over in shock and excitement, he saw that Ian and Anthony from Smosh were standing there. “OH MY GOD, IT’S SMOSH!” Elijah proceeded to do his ‘I’m so happy I just pissed myself three times’ dance. “You guys are like, famous on the internet!” “Yeah,” Ian said cooly. “And we understand you wrote a fanfiction about us?” “Yup!” Elijah beamed proudly. “It’s gotten over 10000 hits on FIMFiction! I’m really-” Ian and Anthony began to beat the shit out of Elijah with potted plants. “OW! F**K! Stop it you guys!” Elijah crawled into a corner. “Why are you hurting me, anyway? I did a favor for you! You guys loved it in Equestria!” “We know!” Anthony said, dropping the fern he was using to cream the 14 year old. “We loved it so much, we realized how much this world sucks! Send us back!” Elijah was about to decline, but seeing Ian brandishing a potted magnolia was much more terrifying than I could ever put into words. Elijah grabbed his pen, and began to write. “Wait.” He stopped, looking at the two webstars. “You guys still have to do Food Battle 2012! How are you going to do that in Equestria?” Ian smiled evilly. “We have something figured out. Hehe...” Elijah shrugged, and wrote the two humans back into Equestria. FOOD BATTLE 2012: EQUESTRIA! *cue explosions and flying monkeys* Ian and Anthony landed in the middle of Sugarcube Corner, ponies once more. Ponies who remembered them from last time screamed and fled, but one stayed. The pink mare trotted forth, and kneeled before Anthony, bestowing the power of the Pink Frosted Sprinkled Cupcake upon him. “We’re back in Equestria, and my newly aquired Pink Frosted Sprinkled Cupcake is gonna kick your lame Pink Frosted Sprinkled Donut’s PLOT!” Anthony yelled. “Bring it on, Fillyfooler!” Ian screamed back, and was just about to stuff his pink frosted donut in his mouth when Pinkie Pie shot forward and devoured it one gulp. “Aw...” Ian sighed sadly. Standing in the field right in front of the Everfree Forest, Ian and Anthony prepared themselves for the challenges that lay ahead. Pounding their hooves into the ground, they grunted and snorted like idiots. The mane six would be presenting the challenges for them this fine evening, except for Pinkie Pie, who had done her part by bestowing the power of cupcakes upon Anthony. “Alright, the first challenge is...” Twilight said dramatically. Ian and Anthony leaned forward, ready for anything. “A book. GO!” Anthony looked at his cupcake, and threw it at Twilight. The mare caught it with her magic, and stared blissfully into the Cupcake’s basking glow. Bliss soon turned to horror, and she threw it into the dust. “Ugh! Cupcakes is a terrible story! It was so poorly written... ugh!” Anthony walked off in shame. Ian giggled like a maniac, and threw his donut in the air. It came back to earth as the complete saga of 50 Shades of Grey. “FU-” ANTHONY: 0 IAN: 0 *** “Alright, so yah both failed tha’ one,” Applejack said, looking the two over. “Heh, your MOM failed that one!” Ian said, snortling at his lame joke. “Mah ma is dead.” Ian fell silent. “Anyways, next one is: who can buck the most apples with their food!” Anthony grabbed his onion, before realizing that he wasn’t going to be using that food until 2019. He picked up his cupcake, and threw it at the apple tree in front of him. It hit the trunk with an unceremonious splat. “Aw, sh-” All of the apples fell off of the tree and perfectly into the baskets. “I mean, I knew that was going to happen!” Ian stared his friend pegasus down. “You think you’re so great...” The unicorn hurled his donut at the tree. It bounced off, and into a nearby foal’s hospital, where it exploded. The screams of dying foals filled the air, along with the smell of bacon frying. “Oops...” Ian smiled goofily, and a light hearted laugh track played, barely drowning out the screams of dying ponies. ANTHONY: 1 IAN: 0 *** “Alright, now, we’re going to see whose food can become the sexiest hands, so warm and soft, and fingery-” Rainbow Dash shoved Lyra out of the scene. It was Rarity’s challenge now, and the group was standing on the edge of a rocky cliff face. “Right, now, we’re going to see whose food can find gems the best!” Rarity said with a dazzling smile. Spike, who was carrying all the extra food, fainted, getting pink frosting all over himself. “Heh, that wouldn’t be the first time Spike passed out from pleasure and got pink frosting all over himself!” Twilight said with a chuckle. This warranted some very odd looks in her direction. “Right, um, anyway...” Rarity said, feeling a bit uncomfortable. “Uh... Go!” Anthony grabbed the only undamaged cupcakes from the unconscious dragon’s body. He held the cupcake out, trying to scan for gems. A large gust of wind immediately knocked him off the side of the cliff. Everypony assumed he had died, and was just discussing who would get his stuff when Anthony hoved back up. Apparently, everypony had forgotten he was a pegasus. “God dammit, you guys can’t even-” A large boulder was blown off the cliff by another gust of wind, where it spackled Anthony right in the face. And chest, and testicles, and general body vicinity. “Wow, that’s some strong wind,” Twilight commented. Ian smiled. Now was his chance! Taking his donut, he let it roll on the ground. Following it until it fell on its side, he dug up the area underneath it. Pulling out something large and heavy, he grinned. This round was his! It turned out just to be a giant bomb. ANTHONY: 1 IAN: DED *** After a stop back at Sugarcube Corner to get more pastries, and after a quick black magic resurrection, courtesy of Fluttershy and her cult, Ian and Anthony prepared themselves for Fluttershy’s challenge. “Um... if it’s ok with you, I’d like you to make a nice, soft pillow for the wolfs who just got attacked by some weebos, and the poor things are still recovering.” Anthony took his cupcake, and sprinkle glitter all over it. Grabbing some glue, he poured that all over the cupcake, and then wrapped it in toilet paper. After removing said toilet paper, the result was a large black pillow covered in spikes. “Darnit!” Ian took his donut, and smashed it all over his face. He then rubbed his face all over Rarity’s mane. Rarity screeched, and grabbed a nearby frying pan to beat Ian merciesly. After his severe punishment, Ian walked down to the “Everything Except Fabric Softener” store, and bought a pillow. ANTHONY: POTATO IAN: 1 *** “Alright, since I get to do the grand finale, I’m gonna make it extra awesome!” Rainbow Dash smiled, her head high. “Whosoever food makes a sonic rainboom first, wins!” Anthony took his cupcakes, kissed it, and jumped into the air, beating his wings as fast as he could. He immediately fell to the ground, smashing the cupcakes, and caught fire for good measure. Ian licked his donut hole (giggity) and jumped in the air. He shot straight up, breaking the Sound Barrier and creating several sonic rainbooms. However, he didn’t stop there. The unicorn shot off into the sky, and straight to the moon. Landing down next to a dead Tom Cruise and killer whale, he saw Luna playing cards with Desmond the Moonbear. “Luna?” Ian asked. “What are you doing on the moon again?” Luna sighed. “Yeah, I accidentally saved over Tia’s half-life again.” A man with brown hair and a green sweater, who was drinking a can of coke laughed. “Oh, Luna. When will you ever learn?” Mari, as a ponified version of herself, popped out of a crater. “I’m also in this fanfiction!” Ian and Luna got married on the moon, and lived a happy twenty seven minutes together before Ian dumped her for Tom Cruise’s dead body. Anthony was rushed to Ponyville Hospital to be treated for his burns, where he died of Childhood obesity. Edd escaped from the moon, and went on to star in his own Fanfiction written by Elijah. Elijah grew up to become a hobo scrounging behind the McDonalds for scraps. He died at age 22 from uterine cancer. A semi-solid, half transparent blonde haired man sat on the ground, overlooking Canterlot from a cave while tuning his guitar. He looked up, and said “I’m Kurt Cobain’s ghost, and I approve of this fanfic.” THE END (For Realz)
Author's Note: Why This Will Never Have a SequelI'm not going to write a sequel to this, no matter how many of you PM me about it. I'm not gonna do anymore spin-offs either, I think we all learned our lesson with Pewdiepie in Equestria on that one. The reason I say this is because I have no desire to become a view whore. That's what I'd be if I made a sequel to this. So sorry, y'all.
The Legacy EndsIan and Anthony were sitting on the remains of Fluttershy’s couch outside of her cottage, bored out of their minds. “God damn it now I do feel like we’ve exhausted every possible option.” “Well, we could hang out with Pewdiepie, he seems-” Ian punched Anthony in the face. “NO! HE WANTS TO TAKE LORETTA AWAY FROM ME AND DO BAD THINGS TO HER!” Anthony rubbed his face where Ian had smashed his hoof into it. “Yeah, I don’t think being in a relationship with a barrel is too healthy, anyway-” Another punch to the face greeted him. “OW! Dude, come on!” Ian was seething. “Why can’t you just let me and Loretta be together?” “I’m pretty sure Derpy was kidding when-” “When I did what?” The grey pegasus alighting the edge of the couch, scaring the crap out of Anthony. “Um... well, I-” Derpy got all up in Anthony’s grill. “Why can’t you just accept the fact that Ian is going to be with Loretta?” “Yeah, Anthony! Me and Loretta are perfectly happy together! Why can’t you just be glad that I finally found love?” Anthony facehoofed. “Am I the only sane pony here?” Pewdiepie patted his hoof and Anthony’s back. “I know the feel, bro.” “AH! MONSTER!” Anthony punched Pewdiepie in the face, knocking him out cold. “OH DEAR GOD I KILLED HIM!” “Quick, we have to hide the body!” Ian looked around to make sure no pony had seen the travesty that had happened. Pewdiepie got to his hooves. “No need guys, I’m cool.” “Well, should we dump him in the lake?” Anthony asked. “No, they’ll check there first. What we need is a hacksaw and 300 gallons of sulphuric acid,” Derpy said, furrowing her brow. Anthony and Ian starred at her. “What? I have experience with this.” “Guys! I’m fine! No need to hide my body or anything.” “Wait, didn’t shut up cartoons have an instructional on body hiding? Let’s watch that! It’ll sure help us!” Pewdiepie sighed, giving up on the idiots that lay before him, and trotted off to have his own magnificent adventure.
