One of Those Days...

by Somber Star

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Alternate Universe, Original Character, Comedy, Princess Celestia, Sunset Shimmer
Length: 7773

The patience of Sunset Shimmer's personal guard must be functionally limitless.

Almost everypony knows the story by now.

How could they not? There were some pretty big names involved. And even if there hadn't been, it was a tale as old as time: spoiled rich kid loses sight of what they've got and runs away from home. Drama happens. Then comes the ending, whether happy or sad. At least, the ending would come if a certain somepony would let it.

But along the way, that rich kid didn't live in a vacuum, even if they felt like it.

Published 2017-09-08 02:40:06 UTC
Last updated 2018-02-25 11:44:24 UTC

Solid First Impression

The funny thing about being an immortal Commander-in-Chief and having a low-population military was that "face time" with Her Majesty was 100% guaranteed to be a regular experience for any Guard. Unfortunately for Princess Celestia, the vast majority of her guard provided little better interaction than furniture. Now, Celestia liked her fine furniture as much as any noble, but she gave these ponies the option to live in her castle because she wanted to interact with ponies. Mother knows it was the only reason she continued to waste taxpayers' money on the Wonderbolts.

To make the matter of her Guard more entertaining, the solar princess opted to make a habit of offering them the ironically-conceived "permission to speak freely" and an opportunity to ask her anything. Preferably as early in their career as possible, to minimize their chances of the military indoctrination preventing them from actually speaking freely. The high-born never had anything interesting to say. But one of the things that Celestia loved about stallions is that the ones that stood out, typically the low-born, who basically only had this route and baking as means of guaranteeing a personal conversation with her, did so by broad margins. For example: one unicorn was strangely afflicted with the more modest colors of an earth pony. He had a predisposition for being alone, so he was pretty easy to corner.

There was something weird about him, and in the princess's mind, that meant promising.

"Well, hello there!" the beautiful mare called out, drawing the young stallion's attention. He snapped toward the sound of her voice, then upon identifying her, looked around to see if she meant somepony else before working out that she meant him and approaching. "I see you're wearing my colors, but I don't believe we've met!"

The point of separation between an ordinary Royal Guard and Her Majesty's One Hundred could first be identified (by the trained eye) in the initial meeting between a new recruit and the Princess. Celestia's presence filled her immediate vicinity with the gravity of the two heavenly bodies and continent-spanning nation she had been burdened with for the past thousand years. It took an extraordinary strength of character (or powerfully deceptive self-image) to stand before her and not be overwhelmed with her very being. Torque still obeyed his compulsion to bow, though. What he did not do was show her the kind of fear that normally radiated off of ponies in proximity to somepony who could swat them like insects.

"Ah crap, I thought they were kidding about her doing something like this sometimes..." Torque muttered under his breath, for once in his life benefiting from having been afflicted with the kind of voice that is prone to registering as "pleasant droning". Celestia, for all her godlike "ultra mom" hearing capability, couldn't sort out his words. "Hello, Princess Celestia. I know you've heard this countless times already, but it is an honor to serve you. How can I help you at the moment?"

Torque's plastic smile faded when he noticed that Celestia wasn't even wearing one of that variety. He ran through their exchange in his head. He was pretty sure that he greeted her properly and pronounced everything he said audibly and lucidly. He tried to sort out if he screwed up his bow somehow. Then she smiled again and a significant amount of his nervousness drained away to be replaced by a new concern: What in Tartarus was this mare thinking?

"You are... " Celestia began, then realized after running through her mental roster of the thousand-pony-strong Guard that she had spent so much time trying to remember the tiny differences distinguishing her visually identical guards that she never really did get around to memorizing the much shorter list of "screwballs" because she always convinced herself it would take too little time to be bothered with at the moment. Now she was standing face to face with a pony whose life had been offered to her but whose name she didn't know, and it was her smile's turn to die.

"Lieutenant Torque Stripe, Ma'am." Torque stiffly transitioned from a bow to a salute. Celestia wasn't sure if he was following military protocols or just extremely nervous. "I've got a million nicknames, but you might recognize 'The Brown One', 'Iron Driver', or 'Iron Loser'."

Celestia dimly remembered that last name, but her brain refused to link it to the Guard because it instead wanted to do so with the idea of a lounge singer at a gloomy cocktail dive for middle-aged, husbandless mares. And her brain most certainly didn't want to revisit that topic at all, ever.

"You have a lovely voice, Lieutenant Stripe." We are not revisiting that topic. Celestia said, her years of professional socializing struggling against a pony who tried to end or trigger an end to the conversation with every comment. But she would win. She always did. "As it so happens, I like to get to know my Guards as well as possible. If you are to grant me your life so that I might entrust you with mine, this should be the least I could do in return, shouldn't it?"

"...that sounded like it was already an equivalent exchange, but okay, I'll bite. What did you want to know, Princess?" he replied, offering her what he hoped was a friendly and helpful posture and expression.

"How about we start with the obvious? What made you want to be one of my Guards? What do you hope to gain from this course in life?" Celestia asked, trying to present herself as being as non-threatening as possible. Stallions tended to be skittish on serious topics.

"I suppose I could give you the generic warrior answer of 'I wanted legal authority to kill ponies', but I can ima- already see that totally not flying." Torque scrambled as his typical gallows humor failed to amuse the Princess of Harmony. Go figure. His smile was real this time, but expressed nervousness rather than anything positive. "To be completely honest, I have this problem where I like to know things. One of the biggest things I've wanted out of this career is to get to find out which of our "childhood legends" are based on reality. That's really my primary motivation for working for the government."

Celestia felt her blood temperature drop a few degrees.

"Like for example that one about your sister."

And then it dropped many more. In hindsight, this 'getting the Guards to open up to her' was a stupid idea and she should quit doing it.

"Did that really happen? Have you been talking to somepony about it? Do you need a hug or something? Also importantly, I guess, is that something we're going to have to look out for in the foreseeable future? Is there a "Return of Nightmare Moon" emergency protocol?" Torque stopped asking questions when he felt a pressure on his chest. He peeled himself out of the wall he'd forgotten he'd been standing in front of and had been cratered into. Sweet Goddess, I didn't even see her move. And I've shot down Wonderbolts.

"I think that's enough questions for today, Lieutenant." Damn, he's as tough as a foundation stone. That was supposed to knock him into a coma. "The incident with Nightmare Moon is not a matter I wish to discuss at this time." Or ever, if I'm being honest with myself. "You seem to have a need to learn about being cognizant of other ponies' feelings. Your assignment will reflect that."

"My assignment, Ma'am?" Torque asked, all smiles fake or otherwise now fully absent from both ponies. Was she punishing him? He got the impression that he had failed some kind of test.

"You'll be made aware of it tomorrow. For now, I suggest you get some rest. You have quite the task before you." With a flash that would put a camera to shame, Celestia vanished, leaving the stallion to rub his scorched eyes.

Still reeling from what had just transpired, Torque headed back to the barracks. But all of his stuff was gone. Being the kind of pony who was prone to losing his possessions with no explanation or hope of recovery, he freaked at the knowledge that this curse had followed him into an occupation where management of them was of dire importance. Then he noticed the letter at the bottom of his locker. It was from his CO, a thought which caused him to break out in a cold sweat. But it was just a notice of reassignment to the West Wing.

Once there, he found an appropriately spartan room marked as his and all of his stuff. The stallion thought it was odd that all of the suns on his gear had been marked over with red streaks making them appear similar to Taoist symbols. Also, he'd been given a number and demoted to sergeant, both very significant life events that were brought to him on an almost anonymous piece of paper. But this was Equestria. Odd was par for the course. He heard hoofsteps... small, light but not intentionally so. A young mare or younger colt was approaching.

"Well... well... well. Who is this that's come traipsing around in my domain?" a rough but still deceptively pleasant female voice cut into the silence behind him.

Is this the part where ponies normally make a huge mess as they try to hide something they have no reason to be embarrassed about? Torque wondered as he turned towards the source of the voice. The mare, barely more than a filly, was probably the most beautiful pony he had ever seen, short of Celestia herself. But he could tell with one look into those enchanting green eyes of hers that her little heart was a lump of coal. Oh great, I'm the Bitch Princess's personal bitch. This is going to suck. I wish I was asleep right now.

"Hello. I'm Torque Stripe." His eyes flicked into his locker briefly, but for the most part he regarded her like an exceptionally well-tempered pony would a rattlesnake. "Number 64, the only two-digit number that is also a hypercube!"

He could tell by her smile that she wanted something from him, but given the scale and value of her possessions compared to his, he couldn't guess what. The only thing he could guess was that her means of getting it from him would hurt even if it didn't need to.

Gynophobia

It is universally accepted that the first meeting between any two individuals will forever shape their opinions of one another, even after they've forgotten the encounter itself. Sunset Shimmer made it her business to have as near to complete control over these instances as she could manage, primarily through the use of her Scan spell, which created for her a dossier on her current target, or merely summoned one if somepony already made a physical version and filled in gaps according to how much mana she felt like pouring into the cast. Which was often quite a lot because she had both plenty of mana to spare and a penchant for holding ponies by their dirty little secrets and squeezing whenever she thought they might be inclined to disobey.

Torque had once shared a neighborhood with Pinkie Pie. The paper dossier on him almost precluded any desire for a magical one, and would have were it not for the fact that the information-seeker was Sunset Shimmer.

"What do you think you're doing? Is subordinate privacy not a thing to you?"

This new bodyguard of hers, Torque, appeared to exist for the express purpose of punishing Sunset for this behavior. For starters, his naturally high resistance to Control magic meant that rather than obeying the Command: Sit spell that facilitated her Scan, he sat of his own volition. It was a very small difference that was nonetheless critical to the two ponies present. Sunset could feel him watching her blunder through more information on him than he had on himself. Information that passed before her eyes without registering in much the same manner as his spoken words did with her ears. She was, after all, far too focused on the sound of his voice to concern herself with something as small and petty as words.

"And you're just ignoring the real me for my stats now, okay... So... you find anything good?"

His eyes were very sad, and very tired. His whole demeanor spoke of resignation to whatever grievance she was about to cause him. And that just bummed Sunset right out. The rich brat just adored breaking strong and good-looking ponies, especially stallions. But a pre-broken stallion was just no fun at all. She could probably beat both him and a dead pony and expect more emotive response from the latter. On the topic of beating this colt, she checked his magic affinities and vulnerabilities. She found the kind of results she should have expected from the pony Celestia chose to accompany her adoptive daughter on various hijinks.

"Let's see... magic specialty: Lensing. Oh you're just precious."

Lensing was a rare magic class that was almost unique to stallions and almost uniquely effective on mares. It granted ponies the ability to enhance or reduce other ponies' abilities, up to and including Special Talents, by variable multiplying factors. All known Lensers were Enhancers, with Reduction existing only as an assumption of necessary opposition. It was rumored that mares in love could serve as Lensers for their partners, but this was unverified to Sunset's knowledge. Torque was unique in that he could Lens other stallions and himself, although he preferred to keep that under wraps because he expected the ability would invite trouble.

"Weaknesses: Fire and Li- oh..." Sunset now realized that if she were to ever enact any plans to forcibly relieve Princess Celestia of the burden of her throne, Torque would be a liability. (Well played, Mom.) Then again, that also meant that he was especially vulnerable to Sunset herself. Which made Sunset feel things she couldn't identify. "Ahem! I know you don't need to be told most of these things, but I like you knowing that I know, so here we go!

Why don't we start with your Kharma Rating? See just how bad... of... a... what. What is this? How could it even be that high? You're supposed to be my Knight in Blood-soaked Armor, what is all this kitten-hugging nonsense?"

Equestrian Kharma ran on a thousand-point system that Celestia insists she didn't create herself, even going so far as to try to use her less than perfect score as proof. But nopony believed her because her score was a solid 777, and nopony had anything higher. Only Shining Armor even approached her with 747. Her transformation into Nightmare Moon had brought Princess Luna's down into the 500s with Princess Cadance, which spoke volumes of the kind of pony Luna was before she turned. Torque's was 666, and Sunset's own Kharma was well into the negatives. Most ponies couldn't even conceive of negative Kharma, but Sunset had an abundance of it. A swami once told her that if she continues down her path, she would be reborn as a demon and somepony would have to stop her, perhaps painfully. She responded by forcing him to literally eat his own hat, using Control when Kinesis wasn't getting the job done.

General Skills include... oh wow... that is a very long list. I can't even read it, the words are blurring together. And I love reading! This is unbelievable. You are unbelievable. Do you not have a life or something? Oh wait, of course you don't. Otherwise you wouldn't have a hope of qualifying for this job.

Your Special Talent is... what? Where is your Special Talent? My Scan gave me Self-Development, but that's basically the opposite of a Special Talent. So what, you're naturally good at getting better? What kind of garbage is that? And how many bad tries do you have to go through before you get your act together? Even basket-weaving sounds like a more useful Special Talent than that! Wait, don't talk. I didn't give you permission to speak.

Now where was I? Oh yes. Your Earth Pony blood is from an old Family (really, your mother was batting as far outside her league as a "Make-A-Wish" filly among pros), and that combined with your abysmally dark foalhood renders you virtually immune to Kinetic assault. That's good to know. You also have absurdly high resistances to Fear, Control, Love, and Dream magic, although that's less relevant because there's basically only one pony with any significant amount of each of those types. Let's see... your blood is, in spite of its fascinating chemistry, still of the most common type in Equestria. You could donate to almost anypony. There's something cute about that. I could have you ripped to pieces and nopony would complain as long as they got one for themselves."

"Well that all sounds just lovely. Any allergies you could potentially exploit?" Torque said from next to her, and Sunset's blood just froze. His tone was still light-hearted and sweet, but now had an edge to it that forced her to stop and listen to what he was saying. She had forgotten about that part where she didn't have control over him. He was reading over her shoulder now, and for reasons she couldn't begin to grasp, Sunset started to feel something she had never felt before. At least not for anything she did to anypony who was not Princess Celestia. That made her angry. Self-consciousness and guilt were for worthy ponies, not sexed-up servants with a terrible misconception of their personal value.

"N-nope! Ha-ha! No allergies..." Sunset moved away from him despite knowing that it wouldn't make a difference.

Looking back, she remembered having seen this stallion once before. The Guard had been throwing some kind of exhibition event where they made big performances out of their combat abilities. The biggest show in that circus was Shining Armor's Siege Barrier reducing Torque Stripe's Leonid Shower to a massive and pretty but otherwise harmless fireworks show to entertain the masses. Harmless, but terrifying for most. Torque didn't have as much power as Shining, but the sounds made by the burning rocks impacting the barrier, each with enough force to have carved through Canterlot like it was made of butter, could not be forgotten.

But for Sunset, that event held much deeper meaning. It was that very display of raw magical power that drove Sunset into her frantic pursuit of her own share of it. After all, both Shining and Torque were still subservient to Celestia, who it was rumored could raze Equestria from coast to coast in a matter of minutes. Sunset was sure that she could get Torque to confess the secrets of his power, which she would then use to propel herself to the level she really wanted. But first she had to make absolutely sure he knew that she owned him.

"Now, for fears..." she began, a wicked smile spreading across her face like a catching fire, and quickly dying as her brain processed the word her invasive spell presented before her eyes. "Wow. You are just made of "Not Fair", aren't you? This... this is sick. Sick and wrong! Nopony should have this kind of fear in Equestria!"

"You know, it's something I've often found funny..." Torque said, relieved that she'd started listening to him. It was hard enough to tell when he'd lapsed back into mumbling when other ponies were actually paying attention. "Mares almost as a rule believe very strongly in the silliest notions. Things like fairness and deserving. Now that's a real doozy, isn't it? This... completely absurd notion that there's some great celestial monitor out there, keeping track of the words, thoughts, and actions of every last living thing and issuing to them according to some arcane system of judgment that nopony understands. Personally, I find the concept of "fairness" utterly disgusting. It pisses in the faces of those who suffer in spite of being decent individuals, and creates vast pools of guilt from insignificant or imaginary wrongs.

I mean, it's up there with the crazy mare notion that 'never backing down' is somehow an admirable trait that one would want to show off to a potential mate. Now that's insanity. A potential mate is a pony who is considering binding their lives to yours. That means their daily lives, and not just when things are dramatic. Presenting yourself as perceiving stubbornness to be a virtue is the kind of red flag that is only superseded by the scent of blood. Actually, I have a friend back home who I wish could be made to see that. She has "cute and competent" down, but she could lose initiative to a jackass in pausing for courtesy. Oh... sorry, I went on a bit of a rant there."

Sunset closed her mouth so hard she was sure that he heard it. She couldn't hurt this stallion without going to an intense war with her conscience. But she needed to erase him, or else sooner or later Mom was going to realize that he was the son she always wanted, and that would be it for Sunset Shimmer's "Princess" title. After all, the ultimate enemy of a royal child was an adopted bastard, even if Sunset was herself adopted. And she was pretty sure that he didn't become an orphan by burning his own house to the ground in a misguided effort to protect Celestia from an assassination plot that had in fact been Celestia's own brainchild. It was one of the universe's small mercies that Sunset never learned that last bit.

"I'm going to bed. You can do whatever. I don't need a bodyguard. I'm an Agent myself." the filly stalked off, acting counter to her own beliefs as though she had absolute control over the situation.

"Well, goodnight then, Miss One-Hundred. And don't worry. I'd make for a terrible bodyguard. Protection isn't really my forte." After she left, Torque breathed a massive sigh of relief, loudly slammed his locker door shut, and trudged over to flop in his surprisingly lush bed. Rolling over onto his back, he passed the time a normal pony would have spent sleeping by fantasizing about the terrible things he'd do to his new charge if he were only free of the burden of a soul. Things that weren't half as terrible as those said charge was touching herself to once she was back in her own disgustingly luxurious chambers.

Well, only one out of several hours went to those fantasies, and the rest went to plans for what he was going to do with that library he bought in Ponyville. He started things off by making sure that it had at least one copy of every book he ever read that came in multiple copies. Then he would expand all series he had only portions of, flesh out the works of notable authors, and add in "cash" aisles full of "pop fiction" books that he would never touch if he could help it, but which he knew would help sustain his business. It killed him to admit it, but those aisles would be vitally important because their lack is what led to the library being something he could afford in the first place.

Torque couldn't wait to get out of all this military nonsense and go live somewhere that was quiet and where he could tell other ponies to be quiet and know he could count on them to do so. And there was something delightfully perverse about having made a small library out of a giant tree that he felt suited him just perfectly.

An Important Distinction

"There is no doubt in anypony's mind that the Royal Guard represented the glory and power of Equestria as extensions of Princess Celestia's will to protect her subjects from incursions into her nation's borders."

Every Agent had heard the Chief Administrator's speech upon their Induction. While the ceremony was typically for an individual or tiny group of Agents due to their extremely low turnout, visits from other members of their clandestine force whether past or present were common. Ostensibly, the ceremony was for both Torque and Sunset, but all eyes were on her, which would be of immense relief to the former were she not his charge.

"Their golden armor not only serves to protect them from anything short of alicorn-level magic, it is also a symbol for all who see them whether friend or foe to ponykind."

While the large bluish-purple mare in a black suit made for a smaller pony rolled on through a monologue Torque felt like he could predict the course of, his attention started to wander. He realized that he was mistaken at first when he believed that nopony was giving him more than cursory glances. Although the absence of hostility made it difficult to pinpoint its origins, he was suddenly stricken by the notion that he had somepony's complete attention. Then he suddenly started to think things that were incredibly bizarre, not in nature but in intensity.

"As Agents, on the other hand, you take on a darker responsibility. That of Her Majesty's Wrath. I'm sure you're well aware, but Princess Celestia cannot effectively reduce the volume of her true destructive power to less than that of an average county. More importantly, given her immensely benign and forgiving nature, she suffers from being slow to strike where swiftness is needed."

(Sunset Shimmer is the most beautiful pony I've ever met. I can't stop thinking about her. I feel like she lights up my life. I want to be with her for- wait.) Relegating the nagging train of thought to a less relevant track, Torque started to try to pinpoint the source of the recent mental assault. It was far too subtle and effective to actually have been from Sunset, which meant that if he couldn't catch the pony responsible in the act, he would have to deal with answering a lot of annoying questions, like who would do such a thing to the two of them, and why.

"Agent 64, if you would please be so kind as to PAY ATTENTION when I am speaking to you. I don't hold these ceremonies for my health, you know."

"Oh! Um... well, you see. I was paying attention! A lot of it actually. It's just that only a small portion of it was actually to you. Heh. Heh.... I'm kind of not helping my case here, am I?"

"Torque..." Sunset whispered, only audible to him because he was right next to her and had sharp hearing. "This is the part where you lessen your embarrassment by shutting up."

Chief was tellingly silent. The entire room was silent. Nopony was going to bail out the guy who screwed up the Little Princess's latest "Big Special Day".

"Okay wait! What if I try to repeat back what you just said?" Torque said hurriedly, stealing quick glances around the room like a squirrel who just heard a hawk. "That'll show that I've at least been paying enough attention to remember it, right?"

"You're really failing at the whole 'shutting up' thing." Sunset whispered more harshly, subtly kicking him and rudely reminding herself of his 'impact negation' magic.

Chief tried to glare at him and failed. She looked confused for a moment, then broke into a small smile and a chuckle that shattered the icy veneer she'd been holding up since the two ponies first met her. If Torque had a real Special Talent, maybe that was it.

"All right kid," she said almost patronizingly, "give it your best shot. Bear in mind, though, that everypony's watching."

"Okay. Where do you want me to start?" Torque chimed back, almost happy for the opportunity.

"What?" Chief couldn't believe that anypony would be so craven as to claim to remember the contents of a speech they weren't listening to. Least of all any stallion.

"She's giving you a chance you don't deserve, and THAT'S what you're doing with it?" Sunset broke in, no longer whispering now that everything had been officially ruined forever. (Thanks, Jerk. I hope you never get a marefriend and die miserable and alone.)

"Where in your speech do you want me to start reciting?" Torque clarified, stuffing a hoof in Sunset's mouth. Luckily for her, the floors in the Canterlot Castle were sterile and Torque not only kept his hooves clean, he hadn't picked up the trend of coating them in some ridiculous substance.

"What was the last thing I said?" Chief demanded, ignoring the exchange in spite of this scrub's brazen disrespect for Princess Celestia's Adopted Daughter.

"'It is absolutely vital that Agents never forget that we have sole authority below the Princess to end the life of another pony. More importantly, that we have a solemn responsibility to never abuse that authority, nor to wield our power in the heat of passion or in any other state that compromises our judgment.'" Torque's eyes moved as though he was reading something, but Sunset triangulated off them and saw nothing in the direction he was looking.

"... I'm going to give that a pass, if only because you now have me immensely curious as to what exactly was distracting you from being instructed on how to safely handle your power and responsibility." Chief used her star field to force Torque to look directly into her eyes. Once she was sure contact was locked, she subtly tried to cast Command on him, only to find the spell loaded onto another train of thought to be relegated to a distant track.

"I'm... um... I kind of... don't want to talk about that, sorry." Torque said, then offered what Sunset would come to recognize as a very trademark grin. The expression seemed to take up his whole face without crossing the line into apparent mania. It was more than pleasant to look at: it was utterly disarming and potentially stunning, depending on how close to your 'type' he was. The big drawback was that it drew attention like lamps drew moths, and being extremely conscious of other ponies, Torque tried to resist the tiny flow of adrenaline into his veins as a result of the seeping paranoia.

"Oh? I'm sorry if my phrasing confused you, Soldier." Chief practically spat the word, wiping the smile off the young stallion's face and finding herself greeted by the intense frigidity that passed for his second default expression. "Tell me where your attention was and WHY."

"As you wish. During the course of this conversation, somepony invaded my mind and tried altering my thoughts, I can only assume in an effort to drive my behavior." Torque looked around again, and Sunset was sure that she would be "chasing his eyes" again were she not cringing from the reminder that she had recently failed to do just that. Chief was cringing in an identical fashion, -as was Princess Cadance, who had no business being there in the first place.

"What... what were they trying to make you think?" Sunset asked, recovering before the older mare.

"See, that's where it gets weird. Whoever tried to control me wanted me to think that you are beautiful. Which is ridiculous." Torque said, deliberately pausing there for the reaction he knew he'd get out of her.

"I-I-I- what? HOW DARE YOU SAY IT'S RIDICULOUS THAT YOU MIGHT THINK I'M BEAUTIFUL!" Sunset bellowed at him. But unlike literally every other pony, Torque cower before the terrible presence that was a slightly upset Sunset Shimmer. Instead he rolled his eyes.

"I mean it's objective fact that you're beautiful. Don't look at me like that. I am not complimenting you. It's probably best that you're not on magazine covers. I can only guess at how many fillies might commit suicide out of despair from ever looking like you. But your beauty is probably the catalyst for the awful things you're known to do, so to me it's kind of tainted and almost painful to look at. Now, back to b-"

"WAIT! STOP! YOU CAN'T DO THAT! YOU CAN'T SAY THINGS LIKE THAT TO ME AND NOT- A-AND JUST STOP LIKE THAT!" Sunset was... not calming down. If anything, she seemed to wind herself further with every word.

"Sunset, I think your caps lock might be stuck, Honey." Torque said, forging a new smile, this one tight with nervousness and strained tolerance for the redhead's belligerence.

"DON'T CALL ME 'HONEY', YOU STUPID JERK! YOU RUINED TODAY FOR ME! AND THEN YOU HAD THE GALL TO TRY TO EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATE ME INTO FORGIVING YOU BUT OHHH! I'M ONTO YOU MISTER!"

"Believe me, I've noticed." Torque replied, pushing the approaching-legal filly off of him. "Anyway, the day is not ruined. All we need is for you to stop screaming at me so I can find out who tried to force me to fall in love with you and we can finish the ceremony and look forward to putting this whole mess behind us!"

The Big Mystery

"It's probably that little tart Cadenza." Chief huffed behind Sunset and Torque, the latter of which practically felt her eyes on his flank. "She's been on a matchmaking bender lately, but I can't figure out why. It's not like Equestria is suffering a lack of love."

"...You know, I was really expecting to have to figure that out for myself," Torque replied. "You know... like having to go investigate the matter, piece clues together and basically run around pretending we're Sherclop Pones solving the big mystery."

"We have nothing to prove, Dumbass. The three of us each probably have a better grasp of Forensics than the rest of the country combined, special exceptions notwithstanding," Sunset snapped, recognizing that her once-jeopardized plans for the day actually still had a chance. "Look, the stupid bimbo failed at mind controlling you and if she had half a brain cell, probably booked it when you alerted everypony to her shenanigans."

"So... are the other thirty or so ponies here all members of that 'special exceptions' category?" Torque chipped smugly. Sunset wanted to punch him in his Applewood-ready teeth, but she was too busy being surprised at not knowing something he knew.

"What? Thirty? What the hay are you talking about?" Sunset demanded, but mercifully opted to look for herself rather than wait for a response that would probably have only made her angrier. True enough, there was a much larger crowd gathered at their Badging Ceremony than she initially believed. "How... When did they all get here?"

"Most of them arrived in the interim between your arrival and this idiot finally showing up," Chief interjected, unable to believe how fast kids these days not only talked, but changed subjects. Like most bosses, especially those even the least militant in nature, she hated the young stallion's predisposition for being late, losing things, and forgetting verbal instructions. He was so inherently ill-suited to conventional military that she couldn't grasp how he managed to get into the Royal Guard. "Don't worry about that for now. The ceremony's been trashed. You're dismissed."

"Wait, do you mean 'dismissed' as in 'fired', or do you just-"

"It means GET OUT OF MY FACE, HALF-BREED!" There was a protracted silence after the older mare's outburst, the kind that was usually emphasized by a random cough. Chief was unfortunately deprived of such a reprieve. Fortunately, she too was capable of changing tack. "Hey. Don't forget your badges, morons!"

Chief half-heartedly tossed the two ponies' freshly-minted badges in their direction. Fresh Agents were treated to this desecration of their badges to remind them that their roles were not those of either glory or authority. Excessively violent ponies were trash allowed to live only by the grace of Princess Celestia's infinite tolerance. However, the two kids both caught their respective badges in their star fields, thus preventing the customary skid across the floor to bump pathetically into their hooves.

Chief and the rest of the veteran Agents just stared dumbfounded as the two newbies, who should have been awestruck by this validation of their accomplishments, only inspected them long enough to verify the lack of clearly visible flaws and immediately stashed them in their Pockets of Holding. She looked deep into the eyes of each in turn and found Sunset entirely emotionally unmoved by recent events, revealing in turn that more than any of her seniors and predecessors, the precious facet of her soul that instilled the value of life was DEAD. Torque, predictably, immediately broke eye contact and shut down any further attempts at subtle probing, granting her nothing but a reminder that he was capable of even more than what it took to get him here. This knew nowledge unsettled her, not least because it made her wonder what kind of moral codes they operated on.

Then they left, only the act of leaving was kind of like leaving home to get groceries after marathoning spy thrillers. The physical aspect of the process was easy: a short walk down a path that led through a gate in the wall and back out into life. The mental aspect was more challenging: sorting out information based on a complex and vague algorithm of security level and desire to talk about things; re-conditioning the mind to better fit in with noncombatants; and of course, scanning one's surroundings for potential threats. Sunset couldn't tell if her partner was doing all or none of these things. So she opted to talk about the one subject raised inside that she felt was safe outside, after of course pushing Torque to a Neighponese noodle shop that had opened a few blocks away recently.

"Wow... I can't believe she called you that in front of everypony." Sunset began, adopting the tones that she would go on to perfect as she infiltrated and destroyed cults and cliques alike. The difference here was that her sympathy was sincere.

"Called me what?" Torque asked as he mounted one of the stools in a series of motions that while small, was still more fluid and dynamic than Sunset felt was appropriate.

"You know... a half-breed," Sunset replied, expecting to hear shattering porcelain or thunder or any kind of ominous sound effect to accompany the term, but none did.

"Why is that so hard to believe? I'm honestly glad that someone in Chief's position is as informed as she is, even if the matter is as trivial as the nature of my birth. Although she's technically incorrect. It's more accurate to say that I'm a Quarter-horse." He managed to tear his eyes off the menu long enough to meet the eyes of the devastatingly cute waitress, who in turn seemed put out that he wasn't immediately charmed by the sight of her. "I'll have the shark fin bowl."

"What? So wait... what?" Sunset couldn't believe her ears. She'd heard that he'd come from low-borne, outlying routes, but she thought that was just slander. "Quarter? You have four breeds in you? Bullshit, otherwise you'd be an Alicorn! Oh! I'll have a large egg-drop soup!"

Chawan, the waitress in question, just stared at her. Sunset made a sign that was the ugly lovechild of a sigh and a growl. It seemed there was going to be no end to the stupid looks she got today.

"Did I stutter, Runt? Go get my soup!" Sunset barked, Chawan bolted, and the conversation resumed. She was lit by his remarks. As a royal adoptee, she found the utter dismissal of the system that controlled her entire life and made it miserable to be gravely offensive. "And you! WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'trivial as the nature of my birth'!? DID YOU FORGET WHERE YOU ARE, ASSHOLE?"

"I didn't forget where I am, only where I'm from." Torque said, looking down with an expression that was sad enough it immediately cooled Sunset's temper. Then he smiled at her like he just remembered something funny, but his eyes revealed the lie in his expression. Sunset made a mental note to ask him why they were dull brown while he was inside and brilliant gold when out. "Well, sort of."

Their dinner was served, and Chawan was sufficiently intimidated by Sunset to not linger too long in their vicinity. She tried to look into his eyes and get a feel for his mood, but he was staring at the counter.

"Let's not talk about the past," he quipped, filling Sunset with an intense... relief? Disappointment? Suddenly realizing that they were both on the verge of publicly airing ghastly closet skeletons, she let him change tack. "The past is a dark place for ponies like us, and even talking about it would spoil our meal."

Sunset, in what many would probably find a shocking breach of character, quietly nodded and focused on eating. Well, first she focused on him eating, largely to figure out why Chawan was trying to stare holes into his cheeks and chest. Didn't she know those were SUNSET's property? This filly might have to disappear. As the two mares watched, Torque split a pair of chopsticks PERFECTLY then set about starting to eat, but didn't even get the first bite in when the waitress overcame her fear of his partner and bounded back over to them.

"Oh. Mygosh!" she cheered, revealing that the ponies who taught her Equestrian were from Applewood Valley and inspiring internal cringes from her audience. "I've never seen somepony break those evenly before! You must be so lucky!"

Poor Chawan. She was waiting for this opportunity to swoop in and tempt the stallion away from his insufferable mate, and he had just hoofed her an extraordinary one. The reward for her compliment was confusion, at first. But that was soon followed by realization, a flash of pity, and then a slightly better smile than the one Torque had just given Sunset.

"Well of course I'm lucky. The odds have been stacked against my survival from my conception until I joined the Guard. Also, I was born on July 21st in the Year of the Rabbit. But that's not necessarily a good thing, you know. It just means that I have a greater share of Lady Fortune's attention than most ponies, and as it so happens that she's only slightly less of a spastic bitch than Sunset here."

Chawan wilted to the tune of tending to dishes and Sunset punched him in the shoulder, hurting herself but at least getting his attention.

"Okay Asshole, here's the rub: One- you are NOT getting away with calling me a spastic bitch, and TWO- what weren't you telling Miss Squinty about the chopsticks?"

Torque tightened his lips at having been seen through, then looked around to make sure that neither Chawan nor anypony else of similar descent was nearby.

"One- Thank you for being unlike literally every other mare I've ever met and actually telling me exactly what you feel and why in no uncertain terms. Oh, and you're not a threat, and I recommend you disillusion yourself of the notion before it gets you hurt. Two- Breaking chopsticks evenly on a consistent basis is actually very easy, assuming they've been made with the barest modicum of quality control. Observe."

As he spoke, he lifted several sets of chopsticks to their table with his star field, then brought them before Sunset's eyes one at a time and broke them so she could see how he was doing it. "The cheapest method is, of course, to use an Arcane Scalpel to cut the sticks apart."

To illustrate his point, a tiny white crescent flashed in the center of the chunk of wood adjoining the chopsticks, carving it perfectly apart in the blink of an eye.

"I actually consider this method to be pretty banal, because at that point, why even bother packaging them as a single item and acting like there's an element of chance involved. That's why I prefer the Twinned Mage Hands method."

Torque split and condensed his starfield into what looked like two tiny, floating tentacled creatures and directed them to place the tips of said tentacles at positions along both sticks that looked both deliberate and random, including one pressed against each of the joined chopsticks' topmost corners. Then, with a quick and yet delicate tug, he pulled the two apart until they snapped into individual pieces. They split as evenly as the cut ones, but not as neatly. Sunset wanted to learn that trick too, but Torque wouldn't let her do it whenever Chawan or others of her ancestry were around (the latter of which expanded as the lunch rush hit), to her limitless frustration.

As punishment for his crimes, Sunset made him escort her to a gazebo overlooking the labyrinth, where she needled him until he reluctantly confessed to having had both his existing memories and his ability to form new ones severely damaged, and she guessed it was probably by the "Bottled Foalsitter" potion that had been in vogue when he was young. But the point was clear: her bodyguard couldn't trust anypony. He would never be able to form, let alone maintain, lasting interpony relationships. Between that and his bizarre ancestry that apparently allowed for carnivorism, he couldn't have been more alien if he was visiting from another world. Absent her company, he spent his days in the depths of the kind of loneliness that drove normal ponies to madness.

"I only really remember objects and actions. Data points, except strangely enough for trivia. I can speak foreign languages, but I can't understand them when they're spoken to me. Ponies, who they are, and what they say are all inevitably swallowed by the insatiable void that occupies the space in my mind where I should have a memory. Given the pattern so far, I'm pretty sure I'll forget you after having spent about one-quarter of the amount of time we spent together in your absence. I'm being hyperbolic of course. There's no way in Tartarus that the retention period is that long, or that easily gauged. So... really, in the interest of preserving your emotional and mental health, I have to STRONGLY urge you to keep our relationship strictly professional in nature."

(Oh... my... gosh, Mom...) Sunset thought, watching him stare at the labyrinth fight back tears over the things he lost and others he would never have. And win, apparently by trying to solve it. (He's perfect!)