Of Diamonds and Dogs

by I Thought I Was Toast

Rating: everyone
Tags: Rarity, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Diamond Dogs, Spike, Comedy
Length: 1205

Rarity – coming to realize that robbing the Diamond Dogs of house and home was quite rude – seeks to pay them back. She just has to mark a few extra caches each time. Easy, right? Wrong.

Rarity – coming to realize that robbing the Diamond Dogs of house and home was quite rude – seeks to pay them back. She just has to mark a few extra caches each time. Easy, right? Wrong. Oh, the pains of having such a terribly large and burdened heart.

Now with audio reading.

For the "Make Rarity Not Garbage Contest" being held by The Barcast

Edited by Dreams of Ponies

Cover Art!

Published 2017-09-06 17:00:07 UTC
Last updated 2017-09-06 17:00:07 UTC

The First and Only Chapter

Spike looked up from his emerald snack. “Hey! Rarity, what’s taking so long?”

“Nothing, dear!” I tossed my mane back to give him the most dazzling smile from over my shoulder, before I continued to scout out one last pocket of gems. “I’m merely looking for something I dropped!” Surreptitiously lighting my horn, I finally found what I was looking for. I snuck a glance back to make sure Spike wasn’t looking before I grabbed a stick and marked an X over the ground.

One. Two. Three. Four. I counted five gems in the cache.

It was a small but necessary start – the hook to get them interested. I knew they were watching, after all. I could feel their beady little eyes upon me as I imagined their scratched and dirty claws, grumbling stomachs, and filthy matted coats. Oh, how I shuddered at the inequinety of it all.

“Coming, Spike!” I turned to take my leave with the drake.

When I returned the following week, I found the cache empty.

“Rarity! Come on! I promised Twilight I’d help with reshelving today!” Spike – not in the slightest actual hurry – was swimming in today’s haul. I’d have to give them an extra wash to get rid of the dragon perspiration, but it was worth it for the distraction.

My horn lit and I hastily looked about for any caches I missed.

There, there, there, and there! That was four full caches! Oh… I could spy some real catches in them too, but no! I shan’t succumb to such fabulosity. I had debts to pay, and I would pay them. Only a few thousand more gems to go, and I’d have returned an equal number to the ones I’d taken.

It had been rather uncouth of me to just walk in, whine at them for a tiff, and walk out having robbed them of house and home – or rather the gems therein, their homes having been simply dreadful.

“Oh, my lady, Rarity!~” Spike sing-songed from his gem bath.

I tittered. “Coming, Spikey-Wikey!~”

My ear flicked as excited barking hit my ears. Poor dears, they really thought they were being subtle. I’d had to explain the whole situation to Spike after he’d caught sight of their wagging tails sticking out from a few conspicuous piles of dirt last week.

“Shh! Shh! Pretty pony princess is coming!” whisper-shouted the leader. I think I’d heard one of the others call him Rover. “You want gems, then sit!” The sound of simultaneous smacking of rear ends upon the earth met Rarity’s ears. “You will speak when I say ‘Speak!’”

One of his fellows barked.

“No! Not yet, I meant—” Rover groaned before a shuffling of paws interrupted him.

“Duh… Boss? I think she done seen us…” one of the others pointed.

His partner waved, and then Rover slapped him. “Play dead, you fools! Play dead!”

They all promptly fell over – legs twitching – as Spike and I watched from afar.

“Rarity?” Spike asked.

“Yes, Spike?” I smiled at him.

“Why do you wanna help these guys again?” Spike waved a claw at the mess in front of us and sighed.

I delicately arched an eyebrow at him – not with the uncouth bluntness of Applejack, but with a small, heart-melting pout.

“Aw, come on, Rarity!” Spike clutched his chest and looked away. “I didn’t mean it like that. I’m sorry I overreacted before, but just look at them! Forget what they did to you! I’m not even sure they’re smart enough to get what you’re doing! They aren’t worth the hassle!”

“And that, dear Spike—” I increased the power of my pout tenfold, dredging up a tear or two for dramatic effect, “—is why they truly deserve to be helped.”

“Pretty pony princess! Pretty pony princess!” Rover ambled over on all fours, paws thundering as he traversed the distance between us in great bounds and strides.

“Lady Rarity! Lady Rarity!” Hordes of armored brutes, all in need of a bath, rushed in his wake.

“Get back, you fiends! Back!” Spike scrambled up on my back as we were surrounded.

As one, the assorted Diamond Dogs flopped over and exposed their bellies to me – wiggling on their backs in an attempt to earn my attention and affection. My nose wrinkled as their odor came to assault my nostrils like a noble with a spice fetish.

“Yes. Yes. You’re all good boys, but I can’t go finding gems for you if you’re all in my way, right?” My smile was far too large as I reluctantly rubbed Rover’s belly – the cleanest by far – with my telekinesis. Twilight’s books had not prepared me for this! Oh, eww! Now my horn felt all sweaty and gross, and—

Sweet Celestia, not the face! Lick me anywhere but the face!

Discord, damn it all!

From behind me came the smallest grumble, “I wanted to be the one to kiss Rarity….”

It… it hurt to smile this much. It had to be unhealthy. I’d probably get laugh lines or wrinkles just for this one single smile, and, oh Celestia, I think a little bit of drool trickled into my mouth. What was I even doing here?

“You heard the pretty pony princess! Back to work in the mines, you slackers, or no gems for you!” Rover saluted, and every dog predictably followed suit.

“Thank you, Lady Rarity! We love you, Lady Rarity! You’re the best, Lady Rarity!” They howled the last part as if they were baying to the moon.

“Ow! The sun! Don’t look at the sun!” A single dog fell over to be carried away by his fellows.

I just sighed.

That was why I was here….

Slowly, begrudgingly, like a mountain learning to walk, I took my first step. “Alright, Spike… let’s get started….”

“At last, Spike! At last!” I cackled madly – like all the classic, beautiful, evil witches are prone to do. Was it perhaps slightly uncouth? Yes, but I didn’t give any horseapples about that right now. Soon, I’d never need to see this particular mountain again.

“Uh… Rarity…” Spike wrang his tail nervously, “...you’re kind of, sort of, acting just a little—”

“I’m not crazy!” I snapped, eyes ablaze with triumph. “You know why? Because I did it! I payed them back! In full! With interest even! And now – with that out of the way – we shall never speak of this again! I’m not crazy! I can’t be crazy if this never happened!”

“Rarity, you are literally standing atop a pile of sleeping Diamond Dogs and raising your hoof dramatically with the sun at your back. How does this not qualify as crazy?”

“I can’t hear you!~ I’m too busy being fabulously praised for nothing – nothing at all!~”

I was the very Princess of Generosity, seated upon my ‘throne’ at the top of the world, my faithful hounds howling reverently towards the moon.

Author's Note

I think my favorite part of Rarity is her flaws. I just love how manipulative and dramatic she can be, and I sought to capture that here.

Thanks to Dreams of Ponies for editing.