Episode 1: A Brave New World
6/23
You wouldn’t think that I, Discord, the most handsome being in all of Equestria and undisputed lord of chaos, would be writing a journal. But a wise man once said that desperate times call for desperate measures, and I’d say this is a pretty desperate time.
Why is that, you ask?
Shut up, I’m not done yet.
For clarity’s sake, allow me to start at the beginning...
Once I got over the unimaginable pain of being turned to solid rock, it really wasn’t so bad. I mean, sure, I was restricted to observing the world solely with my mind’s eye, but it wasn’t like endless torture. And I no longer needed bathroom breaks, which was definitely a plus.I also had plenty of time to plot my revenge against that royal-pain Celestia. Oh, the things I would do when those wretched bearers of the Elements of Harmony died. None would be spared from my rule, and I had the perfect plan for keeping the princesses from finding new Elements of Harmony. It was a true masterpiece, possibly the greatest plot to be devised in all my eons of devious scheming!
Turns out, I didn’t need it.
I felt it all the way from Canterlot: the spell holding me in stone weakened. I quickly turned my mind’s eye to Ponyville and found the source of the disturbance: Twilight Sparkle. She was going to be tardy sending her friendship report to the princess, apparently, and was panicking big time. The silly mare snapped like a pencil in the hand of a frustrated statistics student over that one little letter. I laughed on the inside for a good long while, reveling in the chaos the Element of Magic was creating.
But as amusing as the irony was, now was the time to get down to business. I slowly began to push against the spell with my own magic, stretching its weak places thin with what power remained at my disposal. I had to be careful not to push too much, or I’d draw Her Majesty’s attention, which, in my delecate situation, I couldn’t afford to do. So I slowly chipped away at the spell holding me, waiting for the perfect moment to break free.
After a few hours, Celestia left Canterlot, probably to make sure Ponyville was still standing. I watched the carriage until it disappeared over the horizon, and then gave the spell one final push. I felt the stone beginning to crack, and I pushed even harder. It was tough since, you know, I was still made of stone, but the weakness of the spell provided the much needed wiggle room to accomplish this feat.
Eventually the stone around me shattered, and I pumped my wings, eager to take to the air after spending so long stuck as a statue. Something was wrong, though; a heavy weight dragged me down to the ground, and my face had a nice little chat with a patch of dirt before I pushed myself up and turned around.
My lower half was still stone. Whoops.
Still, I was free now, and a bit of magic fixed that problem immediately. I stood back up and dusted myself off, thinking that now would be a good time for a dramatic re-entry into the world.
I leapt into the air and hovered as storm clouds gathered above me, crackling and booming with lightning. I laughed maniacally, for extra effect, of couse, ready to unleash my wrath on the defenseless denizens of Equestria!
But then I remembered: the Elements of Harmony were still alive, and I had no plan for stopping them. Considering how my last plan had worked so well, I wasn’t sure how to handle things. I mean, my last plan was the best I had, the final bullet in the chamber! What else could I do to keep the Elements of Harmony from working? It wasn’t like I could surprise them like the last time... It was time to think up a new plan.
As powerful as I was, direct confrontation with anyone wasn’t my style. I prefer to use more subtle and crafty methods to bring my enemies to their knees, much like a politician or a teenage girl. I couldn’t just take the Elements of Harmony and keep them, either. I mean, the objects themselves are metaphors! I had barely been able to get the damn things to stay in that book last time, although obviously I had led Celestia to believe otherwise. You know, images to maintain and all that. And I doubt the hypnosis thing wouldn’t work a second time, so I was out of ideas.
As much as I hated to admit it, I was pretty screwed.
It’s times like these when one has to take a step back and reevaluate their priorities. What did I, Discord, want from life? The obvious answer was‒and is‒to plunge the world into glorious CHAOS!
But hold the phone: does it really matter what world?
With that in mind, I decided it was time to move on to another universe where I was less likely to get banished, imprisoned, or any combination of the two.
Of course I knew I couldn’t just get the hell out of Dodge without her Royal Highness noticing my absence. Surely she’d get lonely and come after me, since I’m such wonderful company. Yes, I’d leave a red herring for her. With a wave of my claw, I drew up the discarded fragments of my prison and formed a fabulous new statue of a fish, which I carefully placed on the pedestal I once occupied.
“Hmm.... Too literal,” I muttered to myself. With a snap of my talons, the petrified pisces turned into a likeness of myself.
“Not bad,” I said under my breath while I stroke my goatee, “but it seems a bit off.... I’ve got it!” A ball of energy formed in my hand, and I flicked it at the statue, enveloping it in a brilliant white flash. Once the light faded, the statue was truly a sight to behold. Its bold, rippling muscles were flexing to show the might of its awesome biceps, and its gorgeous face would surely make all the ladies swoon.
A grin found its way onto my own face. “Now for the finishing touch.” I waggled my eyebrows and the statue’s claws turned and made a rather rude gesture at Her Highness’ chambers. I chuckled at my clever metaphor usage. Let them never say that Discord didn’t have a sense of humor.
With that out of the way, I set about preparing for my foray into the unknown. I conjured up my suitcase and began packing the essentials: tuxedo, biscotti, emergency floatation device, anchor, Stephanie Mare book collection, Ponysonic CD player, The Stallion Parsons Project Anthology, John Mare’s “Continuum”, An Idiot’s Guide to Horse Puns, and, last but not least, an autographed portrait of Sarah Jessica Parker.
I snapped the lid shut and gripped the handle tightly. I spun around once or twice to gain momentum, and then flung the suitcase through the air. I put on a pair of shades as the luggage flew off towards the horizon and sprouted a rocket that propelled it straight up into the air. At its peak, the suitcase burst in a multi-colored explosion that was impressive to say the least.
Ah, the glories of chaos.
With that done, I began to work out in my mind how exactly I would leave Equestria. When traversing universes, even chaos can only get one so far, so I had to be careful with this. I pushed against the walls of this dimension, feeling for a weakness I could exploit and travel through, but came up with nothing. Looks like I would have to make one myself.
I combined my chaotic magic with my regular magic and grabbed a hold of the fabric of space-time. Once I had a good grip, I pulled the fabric until I had created a wrinkle. A good hard push ripped a hole through the wrinkle, which I quickly located in front of me. There was a hole in the very air in front of me, which I quickly prepared to jump through, but I stopped. I couldn’t just leave the back door open, now, could I? I gave the hole a zipper, which was much easier than trying to make it into a door. I mean, I’d have to give the door a lock, and then I’d have to make a key, and that was all too much hassle. I hopped through the hole, making sure to zip it shut behind me. Before I could get rid of the zipper, though, I found myself falling, falling, falling...
...and then I landed quite suddenly onto a curiously hard substance. I noticed that it was much more sturdy than the cobblestone roads of Equestria, and it was also very smooth and warm under my mismatched feet.
Next, I noticed quite a lot of things. First, there were loud beeps and sirens all around me, which seemed to be coming from odd metal contraptions that somewhat resembled wagons or carriages without horses. Next, these contraptions were swerving and hitting each other in attempts to avoid hitting me. The sound of screeching tires soon overtook the honking horns. Sure, I could have flown out of the way, but this was possibly the best seat in the house!
The machines, which I later learned are called ‘cars’, crashed into each other in almost every imaginable way. One even flipped over and burst into flames, which I found particularly hilarious. Quite a few of the cars even went onto the sidewalk, and one of them hit a strange object that began spouting water (which I learned was a ‘fire hydrant’) and almost bowled over a group of pedestrians. One pedestrian even dove out of the car’s way and dropped an umbrella in the process.
Said umbrella rolled up and bumped my foot. I picked it up and opened it as I walked away from the carnage behind me. Water from the fire hydrant pattered against the umbrella as horns blared around me and people started shouting, but I paid them no mind.
“Odd,” I said to myself, “I don’t remember rain being in today’s forcast.” I whistled a merry little tune as I set off to find out where exactly I was. There were humans here, that much was obvious, so I figured I was somewhere on Earth, but I wanted to find out where exactly I was.
A nearby man reading a newspaper caught my eye. He paid no mind to the wreckage I had recently caused. In fact, he seemed completely unaware of it, and pretty much oblivious to everything but his newspaper. It would be easy to get answers out of him, I reasoned, since he would simply answer my questions without a thought and go back to his paper, much like a father on Sunday morning before he tells his kid to shut up and eat their cereal.
“Excuse me,” I said as I approached the man, making sure to keep myself positioned so that he couldn’t see me past his newspaper. “I’ve gotten a bit lost, and I was wondering if you could tell me where I am?”
“What,” he replied gruffly from behind his paper, “didja hit your head or somethin’? You’re in Manhattan!” He turned the page and snapped his newspaper, apparently done with the conversation already. “Damn tourists,” he muttered under his breath.
I was about to punish the man for his insolence when my stomach rumbled. Interdimensional travel really works up the appetite.
“One more thing,” I said evenly. I was a master at controlling my temper. “Where could I find a nearby place to eat?”
The man grumbled, but replied, “MacPhearson’s Deli is on the corner of 2nd and 81st. It’s just a couple blocks from here.”
I thanked the man and turned towards 81st Street. He spat on the pavement as I walked away, and I was fairly sure that was his reply. Earth was turning out to be a really odd place. But no matter; I had a sandwich to order.
A nearby woman caught my attention, though. She was standing at the edge of the sidewalk, waving rather frantically at a yellow car and shouting “Tacksy” or something like that. I was fairly sure she was having a seizure of some sort, but the yellow car pulled over and she got in the back. I saw her mouth moving, and the car drove off.
Interesting. It appeared that the yellow car was a transportation service. I decided I’d give that a try, since I was exhausted after using all of that magic and didn’t feel like walking, flying, or teleporting to the Deli. That, and I was tired of doing all the work myself. I mean, I’d been busting my hump for how many eons, just to get from Point A to Point B, and here was someone who would provide that service for me. Right?
Wrong. I stood there waving at those yellow cars and shouting that odd word for what felt like at least ten minutes. I figured maybe there was a certain technique to it, because a darker-skinned gentleman on the opposite corner couldn’t get one to stop for him either. The nagging pain in my stomach told me that my venture into Earth culture would have to wait, though, and I regretfully readied myself for a teleport.
A quick snap of my fingers took me to my destination. I realized that the street was sloped, though, and I had ended up a few feet above the ground. A large, yelping mass of fur was kind enough to cushion my fall, although its owner wasn’t too pleased with me. He waved a stick around wildly, shouting incoherently as he struggled to get his hand from beneath my tuckus.
Without a word, I got up and walked away. The man continued shouting and waving his stick, but he seemed not to have noticed that I had already left.
I stepped inside MacPhearson’s Deli, where a chalkboard cheerfully announced the day’s special: “Reuben on Rye with Waffle Fries!” I thought that an odd combination, as well as an odd name for a sandwich, so I decided I’d ask what was on it.
Without ever looking up from an odd glowing box in her hands, the girl behind the counter informed me it was made with corned beef, Swiss cheese, sauerkraut, and Thousand Island dressing. I thought it was odd that they needed a thousand islands just to make one dressing, but what really interested me was the “corned beef”. Considering I came from a world where I couldn’t even throw explosive chocolate milk without hitting a sentient being, I relished the opportunity to try some “meat”.
I promptly made my order and waited patiently for the sandwich while I stared at the glowing thing the girl had set down on the counter before she entered the kitchen. I leaned over to get a better look, my face drawing closer and closer to its luminous surface as if it were some sort of lucid Siren, drawing me to the rocky shore of its many buttons. I suddenly felt the irresistible urge to lick it, although that may have just been my stomach thinking for me.
I could almost taste it when a crash behind the counter drew my attention. I looked up to see the girl passed out on the floor for some odd reason. Thankfully, the plate with my meal sat safely on top of her chest. I reached down and picked it up, glad to know I got free meals here on Earth as well.
I began to eat the sandwich as I took my seat, reveling in the marvelous taste of the meat. It was unlike anything I had ever tasted; the subtle flavors of cheese and dressing wonderfully complemented the bolder tastes of the meat and sauerkraut. It was, without question, the best sandwich I had ever had, which honestly isn’t saying much, considering the quality of sandwiches back in Equestria.
With my sandwich eaten, I decided I was done with niceties. No longer would I continue my role as a visitor on Earth; it was time to set things in motion. I opened the exit doors dramatically. Well, it would have been dramatic save for the brightly jingling bell, but no matter. It was time for me, Discord, Lord of Chaos, to—
Wait. Something was wrong. I felt a disturbance in my gullet the likes of which I had never felt before. I believed the corned beef was beginning to make my colon Studdard. Damn Reuben.
I dashed to the restroom, nursing my distressed bowels back into some semblance of normalcy. There was only one problem: as I reached for the toilet paper, I found the roll was empty. Nothing but a cardboard tube remained, a sad, empty shell of what promise it once held for visitors past. Frantically, I began to survey the restroom for another article that I could use to cleanse my unattended derrière. On the ground near my feet I spotted a pamphlet with a picture of what it said was the Empire State Building. It would do….
Once I had taken care of that unpleasant business, it was time to return to the matter at hand. Yes, now was the time for me, Discord, the Supreme Master of Unsystematic Shenanigans, to turn this world upside-down, both metaphorically and possibly literally. And, thanks to my glossy paper friend, I knew the perfect place for me to witness the overture of my dissonant symphony. With a flush of the loo and a snap of my fingers, I was whisked away to the spire at the top of the Empire State building.
The building was much taller than I expected, and from its great height I could see the entire city laid out before me. This perch would be more than adequate for me to view the mayhem and destruction I would unleash upon this unsuspecting world. I raised my claw in the dramatic manner I'd so often rehearsed.
"And now,” I began, “to flood the streets below with a chocolatey-lactose deluge as anchovies of monstrous proportions rain down from the heavens!" I held my pose and awaited the thunderous sounds of crashing waves and the pungent stench of the fish, but oddly enough, nothing happened. "Strange.... Normally it doesn't take this long." I circled the spire, looking out at the city from every angle I possibly could, but there was nothing. Nothing! But no real reason for distress was visible, so I took a moment to calm myself down. This universe was probably just a little slow to respond to orders.
Employing my acquired knack for patience, I sat on the spire, waiting for the universe to kick its sorry ass in gear and get to work. But even after several hours, the only thing to change was the amount of pigeons left on the roof after I was through punting the filthy little bastards while I waited.
Clearly something was wrong here. By now, this building should have become waterfront property, and the city should be bathed in a stench more horrid than the potent combination of wine, cocktail weenies, and vomit that is Berry Punch's breath on New Years! I closed my eyes and reached for the chaotic magic I normally used, thinking maybe I just needed to focus more in this universe. I delved deep into my core, reaching for the chaos that had so long been a part of me. Except nothing was there! My chaotic magic had vanished without a trace, and all that was left was the regular magic I had been using since I got here.
"Inconceivable!” I gasped as I stood up abruptly, startling a couple of pigeons. “How am I supposed to be Chaos Incarnate without control over chaos!?" I sat back down on the edge of the spire, trying to wrap my mind around the situation. This is bad, I thought to myself, this is very bad. I took one of the remaining pigeons in my paw and began squeezing it relentlessly in an effort to calm myself. It cooed sharply in protest, but I paid no mind. I had bigger problems to worry about than a stupid bird, like how to get my power over chaos back.
Of course! That was it! I’d scour this world to find out why I had lost my powers and how to get them back. It shouldn’t be too hard. After all, I still had my regular magic, even if I was a bit out of practice with the more complicated spells.
With goal in mind and pigeon in hand, I teleported back down to the street. I was going to get my powers back, one way or another. I’d search the whole planet if I had to. I’d‒
SMACK!
I dropped the pigeon as a flyer struck me in the face, obstructing my view and clinging to me relentlessly. I couldn’t blame it, really, even I'd cling to a mug as handsome as this if given the chance, but right now it was about as charming as a lamprey in a top hat. I removed the paper from my face, and saw it was an advertisement for a convention.
“BRONYCON,” it announced. “JUNE 30TH - JULY 1ST AT MEADOWLANDS EXPO CENTER.”
“Interesting,” I mumble. “Isn’t ‘brony’ a lot like the word... oh, of course.” For the first time in a while since the soul-crushing disappointment of my current situation, I smiled. This would be a good place to start.
With that, I was off to BroNYcon. I managed to ask the same man with the paper where the expo center was, and happily learned it was a 15 minute bus ride from Manhattan.
Ha. Buses.
