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                   The Butt of The Joke                    
                    -by Flutterpriest-                     
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                          No Homo                          
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No Homo
It was a calming, serene night in the Crystal Empire. Flurry Heart, Equestria's newest princess, sleeps soundly in her crib, dreaming of taming ferocious beasts, conquering her enemies, and meeting their resistance with fire and fury, or whatever it is that babies dream about.
The streets in the city begin to bustle with Friday evening traffic as the young adult parties seek entertainment to start their weekend, or maybe a just a stiff drink to ease the trials of the week. Even within the Crystal Castle itself, guards are in short supply as the royal Prince and Princess close themselves in their room for some well earned rest and relaxation.
Although, that's not what the guards call it. The guards call it 'Fetish Friday.'
The door clicks closed, as Shining Armor turns to his wife with a devilish grin. Princess Cadance lies on their King-sized bed, flipping through pages of their newest favorite book: "101 Ways to Spice Up the Bedroom."
"So," Shining says, dropping his voice to a lower, seductive pitch. "What will we be doing this evening, sexy."
"For the last time, please don't use that voice Shining. You sound like your father when you do that," Cadance tosses back, her eyes not leaving the page. “It’s weird.”
"And what's the problem with that?" he asks. "That's kinky. Isn't it?"
"Yeah, but that's not my kink. Like at all. Not the 'swapping' part of it, but I mean, he's your Dad. Now if you all of a sudden sounded like Twilight, but had a dick, then we have... Actually, can I add that to the list?"
"How does it seem like our list of things to try always gets longer, even after we knock things out?" Shining asks, crossing the room and sitting on the bed beside his wife.
"Phrasing."
"You know what I mean," he chuckles.
"I think it's the thrill of trying new things, or something like that," she says, closing the book and levitating it to the bedside table. "I think it's because we're good at communicating our boundaries and have a healthy respect for not pushing them too hard."
"Yeah, you're right," Shining says with a smile, laying back on the bed. "We're pretty awesome. And good at sex."
"Darn right we are," Cadance says happily. "So, tonight I think I want to try fucking you in the ass."
"Sure, why—wait what?" Shining says, his eyes shooting open.
He shoots out of bed, trotting in place in a panic.
"Yeah," Cadance says happily. "Last week we agreed we could both try butt stuff. So, I figure, heck with it. Let's try it this week."
"Yeah, we did. But..." Shining says, his voice trailing off.
"Yes, exactly. Butts."
Shining's face contorted as if he stepped on one of Flurry's toys, and had to repress his screams or else she'd wake up again. His ears folded down, and his tail pressed down firmly over his rear end.
"What?" Cadance asks, tilting her head slightly. "You do remember we promised to try it both ways, right?"
"Yeah, but," Shining says.
"Exactly—"
"It wasn't funny the first time, dear. Don't try it a second," Shining shoots back.
"D’awww," Cadance pouts, folding her hooves. "You're no fun."
"It's just... I dunno. I figured maybe it would have been some sort of, like. Gentle rubbing, while you stroked me off. Not actually... fucking me with a fake cock. We have all the toys for it… just..."
Cadance sighs, shaking her head.
"See, now I had my hopes up all day about being able to go balls deep inside your bleached asshole, and now you just dashed them," Cadance says, probably a bit too nonchalantly for a Princess to say.
Shining opens his mouth to speak, but his eyes move to the floor.
"I guess I just wasn't prepared for this," he says. "I mean, I'm always up for trying anything once. It just feels... weird."
"Wait, wait, wait," Cadance says, snickering to herself. "Are you saying you need to..."
"Don't—"
"Prepare your anus?"
Shining glares at his wife, whose giggles are leaking out of the corners of her hooves.
"You. Are. A. Princess. And you are laughing about butt jokes."
"I have to be super serious all daaay," Cadance says, sprawling out on the bed. "I don't have to be an adult on Friday nights. Adulting is hard."
"You got me there," Shining says, sitting down. "So, alright. Let's talk through this."
"Alright, so it's just like pegging," Cadance says. "I'll have my junk. Start with some passionate kissing. Maybe you can suck on it a little—"
"Woah, woah, woah. I can't do that."
Cadance stops, sitting up straight, cocking an eyebrow.
"Why? Are you allergic to cock or something?"
"Well, I mean," Shining says, squirming in place. "I dunno. It just feels really... Gay? Even if it isn’t like a real dick," he says, unsure of the word.
Cadance glares at her husband, her once curious expression furrowing into annoyance.
"I mean, not in, like, a homophobic way. I just don't like dicks that way. I'm not a cock fan."
"Oh come on!" Cadance goes on. "You've never looked down at your own dick and wondered, 'Huh. I’m harder than bad Nightmare Night candy. I wonder what it would be like if I could suck myself?'"
"That's DIFFERENT! Plus I was a teenager."
"So?" Cadance asks. "This is a safe space. You can finally try all those weird thoughts you've had in the back of your mind."
Shining remains silent, looking at the floor.
"What are you so worried about?" the princess asks.
"I dunno. Won't it be weird? Like. If I like it?" Shining asks. "It wouldn't be, like, gay?"
"No. Lots of people like butt stuff or are curious. There's nothing wrong with prostate stimulation or liking it. Okay?"
Shining looks up to his wife, who looks up at him with a warmth in her smile, a peace in her eyes. Shining feels his body relax some.
"Alright. So, sucking for a little bit—"
"Like, five minutes," Cadance interrupts.
"Five minutes?!" he exclaims.
"Tell me the last time you got off in five minutes?!" Cadance retorts.
A silence falls over the room as Shining's ears droop.
"Oh, honey..." Cadance says. "We both know last week was just an exception. You were under a lot of stress. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings..."
"Just. Okay," Shining says, shaking his head to throw those memories away. "Five minutes. Then, lubing."
"Definitely lubing."
"Some lube?" he asks.
“Lots of lube."
"Plenty of lube."
"Enough lube to get it in, at least, " Cadance says.
"Fine. Then you can... well,"
"Go balls deep," Cadance says.
"Yes, that. That thing." Shining sighs, rubbing his head with a hoof. "Okay, so. Weird question. But how do we know when... like, we're done. Since… well."
"Well, one of us will cum," Cadance says. "And if we like it, we can have the other finish. Plus there's always 'Papaya,' and we'll stop. Immediately."
Shining nods, then gulps.
"And this isn't weird. Or gay."
Cadance sighs.
"No. I'm your wife. This is totally fine."
A silent moment passes over the room as Shining rises to his hooves.
"Alright. Let's do this. Do you need to... prepare?" he says, his voice shaking and nervous.
"Yep!" Cadance says happily, a spring in her step as she trots to the royal master bathroom. "Give me just a minnute!~"
The door closes behind her and Shining is left alone. He climbs onto the bed, looking down at his hooves as if he had blood on them.
"Am I really about to do this? I mean, it could be nice," he mutters to himself. "I mean, that time I turned into a mare was nice. This can't be much terribly different. Besides, if mare on mare is okay, then stallion on mare with a penis should be okay too. It's just the way I was raised is all.” Shining casts a nervous glance out the window, tapping his hooves. “These are new times."
He takes a deep breath and runs a hoof through his mane as he waits for his wife. Then the events of this evening run through Shining's mind: A plastic implement carefully prodding his backside, lubed and ready. His nervous asshole puckers so hard you couldn't stick a quarter in it.
“Who knows, maybe this won’t be too bad…”
"Alright, I'm ready!" said a voice from behind the bathroom door.
Before Shining had the moment to realize that didn't sound like his wife, the door opened.
On the other side of the door was a pony who he could only describe as his wife, but a stallion. He still had Cadance's pink, golden, and purple mane. He still had the same velvety soft pink fur. Those same deep violet eyes. But he had a squared chin, was just a little taller and stronger than Shining, and had a deeper, yet similar voice as his wife's.
"What do you think of Prince Bolero?" Male Cadance asks. "It took awhile to get the spell just right."
"Okay, one," Shining gulps. "The name needs some work. Two, this completely changed the game."
"What?!" Bolero says. "How?!"
"I don't know! I thought you would just be using a strap-on or something!"
"Why would you even think that?! I'm an alicorn! I have incomprehensibly destructive magical powers that I can use for sexytimes!" Maledance exclaims. "If I can't use them to get off, then why even have them?"
"I don't know! To help people?!"
Shining's male wife scoffs and sits on the floor.
"Well, I'm still me. I'm still your wife. And in a few hours, the spell will wear off, and I'll be a mare again. So what's the problem?"
Shining opens his mouth to say something, then looks back to the bed, sighing to himself.
"Oh my Celestia," Cadick says. "You're worried this will feminize you?! Don't you? You think it's going to be homoerotic."
"Isn't it?!" Shining yells. "You are actually a stallion right now!"
"I am a female in a male body! Temporarily!"
Shining steps off of the bed and begins to pace the room.
"Who are you even scared will find out? It's not like we tell anypony about this outside of the bedroom?!" Cockdence asks.
"I'm feeling really pressured right now, I just need a moment to think."
"About what?!"
"I'm trying to figure out what about this is making it gay for me."
"Can you please not use the word 'gay' in the place of weird?" Prince Decadance asks. "It's really offensive."
"I just—" Shining says, then he stops in place. His ears perk up and his eyes go wide. "Ballsack!"
Bolero pauses, then looks down between his legs.
"Yes, I have one. What of it?"
"What's making this weird for me is the ballsack! It's the thought of balls on balls action that's making me so uncomfortable!" Shining exclaims. "If we can just get rid of your balls—"
"See, I asked you that a long time ago, and now we have Flurry. So—"
"Nonono," Shining says. "If you can magic away the balls, then there's no problem."
"The spell doesn't work that way, Shining," Cadance says. "It's ball or nothing."
Shining pauses, looking down to his wife's new set of genitals with a sense of dread and fear. The ballsack was just so... large. And probably full of thick, hot semen that would fill his insides.
"Well?" Ca-dude asks.
Finally, the stallion sighs, and his ears turn down.
"Plastic wrap," he says.
"Excuse me?"
"There, I wrapped my balls in plastic wrap, Shining," Bolero growls. "Now our balls won't touch."
"Then it's not gay," Shining says with a smile. "Thank you. Now. Let's do this."
Shining crawls up upon the bed and pulls a pillow in his front hooves. He closes his eyes as Bolero moves nearer to the bed, a smile curling on his face. Shining's tail moves aside, revealing a firm, yet healthy rear end. Bolero moves onto the bed, his breath quickening upon the sight of his prize.
"Y-you'll be gentle, right?" Shining asks.
"Of course, handsome," says Bolero.
The Prince of Love's stallionhood begins to unsheath itself as he grabs Shining's rear end. Shining gasps lightly, then buries his head deep into his pillow, his rear high in the air and presenting. The Captain of the Guard breathes evenly into the pillow, now hyper aware of what was happening around his rear end.
"Now I have a little lube right here," Bolero says in a deep, suave voice. "I'm going to just rub it in a little, and use some magic to get it inside, okay?"
"O-okay," Shining whimpers into his pillow.
Shining hears the uncapping of a bottle, and then feels the icy cold liquid run right down his crack like a bucket of ice water. He shivers nervously as a small prod then begins to move the substance around his skin and of course, his tight butthole. He clenches his teeth, shoving away any thoughts of this being homoerotic.
Then, he realizes something. His eyes open slightly. If this thing that's moving around his butt was Bolero's cock, then it's not even that big! Heck, he could take bigger shits after a bad Taco Tuesday! This might be so bad at all. He relaxes, and he feels the small rod push inside him slightly. The liquid trickles in, and then... nothing. If anything went any deeper, he didn't even feel it! 'This isn't so bad!' he thought to himself.
"Alright," Bolero says. "I'm all set and lubed now. I'll go slowly."
Then, the nice little pencil from before is replaced with a goddamn summer sausage, pushing hard on Shining's butthole. He feels himself tighten so hard in shock that he could have cracked a walnut.
"WOAHWOAHWOAH! What is that?!" he wails.
"That? That's my crotch rocket."
"IT'S HUGE!"
"Thank you," Bolero says proudly.
"THAT'S NOT GOING TO FIT IN MY ASSHOLE!"
"I bet you 20 bits."
Shining pauses, now feeling challenged. He could just walk away right now. He could just say Papaya and give up. Go to bed with a sexually frustrated husband/wife combo and deal with whatever consequence that may come tomorrow.
"You're on," he barks.
Then, Shining feels something akin to a parking cone suddenly ram through his rectum. He bites down hard on the pillow. Tears well in his eyes, and he clenches the sheets tightly. He breathes in quickly and exhales hard as he tries to adjust to having a warm, throbbing member currently sheathed inside of him. He looks back to Bolero, who’s planted inside him, doggy-style.
"That..." Shining whimpers. "Was really sudden."
"Yeah, but you took it like a champ," Bolero retorts. "And you're crazy tight."
"Good?" Shining says, unsure if he was proud or ashamed of that. There is a lot of shame going on, but that seemed like a compliment.
"I'm just going to let you adjust for a moment. It'll make it easier once I begin to move."
Shining nods his head slowly, but his body remains stiff.
"T-this is okay?" Shining asks. "This isn't weird?"
"Well, I think the plastic wrap is beginning to chafe a little... but I don't think it's weird. If anything. This is... really nice."
"Really?" Shining asks, trying to look over his shoulder. "What do you mean?"
"It's just... It's like my body just wants to... move and thrust. All on it's own. There's this... rush running through me. I haven't felt like this since we were teens..." he says.
"Right?" Shining says, beginning to relax some. "It's just like this feeling of overwhelming lust sometimes and—"
Then, Bolero begins to move. Slowly. Carefully. Shining's mind couldn't help but focus on the sensation of the member moving out just a few inches, then pushing itself in deeper than before. He feels his breathing match the pace of Bolero's thrusts as he buries his face into the pillow. He bites his lip as the unusual sensation sweeps his body. He feels so... full. The thrusts start with a weird twinge of discomfort, but then send a sort of electrical shock wave through his genitals. He feels almost at a loss for breath as his wife's panting begins to fill the room.
Shining opens his mouth to say something, but finds himself too out of breath to speak. His limbs seem to move on their own into the motion of the thrusts. The waves of pleasure keep coming in a regular, steady rhythm, overwhelming his senses. He feels his own cock unsheath and his mind grow hazy and blank.
Then, Bolero's cock hit something deep inside Shining and before he can even react, a moan escapes his lips.
"Oh yeah?" Bolero says. "You like that? Right there?"
The stallion then mounts himself on top of Shining, and he could feel Bolero's warm breath breeze against his ear. Shining closes his eyes and bites his bottom lip. He feels his cock throb, rubbing against the sheets of the bed as Bolero pushes himself further inside. There’s no sense in him denying it now. It feels good. Really good. It’s so unlike any other erotic experience he's ever had in his life.
He could hear his grunts, and he could feel the base of his body connect with his rear end. There was also the slap of ballsack on plastic, but that was far in the background compared to what was overcoming his senses.
"Do you like it?" Bolero asks in his hear.
"Y-yeah," Shining says involuntarily.
'Did I really just say that?' he asks himself.
"Yeah? You like a hard cock in your ass?" Bolero repeats.
"Y-yes."
"Do you like my cock?" Bolero asks.
"Yes, I like your cock," Shining moans.
Shining grabs the covers and pulls them tightly as Bolero ups the pace with a light chuckle.
"Talk dirty to me," he says.
"Mmnnh," Shining moans as he felt Bolero's dick hit his prostate over and over, and he felt one of Bolero's hooves move to grab Shining's dick. "I like the way you fuck me."
"Yeah? Say more..."
"I like having a hard cock in my ass," Shining shouts into the pillow, his face a deep shade of crimson.
Bolero grabs Shining by the mane, bringing his face out of it's protective covering.
"Come on! You can do better than that!" Bolero growls.
"FUCK ME HARDER DADDY! PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR CUMMIES!"
A silence falls over the room as Bolero stops dead in his tracks.
"Woah," Bolero says slowly. "Okay. Papaya. I’m not okay with this."
He pulls his dick out of Shining, and the white stallion’s rear end collapses onto the bed in exhaustion.
"But that was, like, three minutes," Shining pants.
"Yeah, but... Wow. I don't even know what to say right now. There are so many questions."
"Wait, please! I don't know what came over me!" Shining says.
With a burst of blue light, Prince Bolero's form is replaced with the familiar form of Princess Cadance who walks to the door of their bedroom.
"I think I'm going to sleep in the nursery tonight and... uh. Think," Cadance says. "We'll talk tomorrow."
"Wait!" Shining yells out, reaching a hoof to his wife. The door closes behind her. "Does this mean my parents shouldn't come to dinner tomorrow?"
Shining lies on the bed, in a puddle of his own sweat, still trying to catch his breath.
"Shit," he mutters to himself. "Well that could have gone better. Now tomorrow is going to be a real pain in the ass."