Don't Be a Dick About It

by Flutterpriest

Rating: mature
Tags: Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Second Person, Comedy, Random, Human, Lyra
Length: 2011

You've just moved in with your marefriend, Lyra. You know what that means? Time to whip out that DICK and GET SOME! Only one problem. Lyra didn't expect your dick to look like... uh. That.

You've just moved in with your marefriend, Lyra. You know what that means? Time to whip out that DICK and GET SOME! Only one problem. Lyra didn't expect your dick to look like... uh. That.

This story is all Crystal Wishes fault.

Narration by Scarlett Blade

Published 2017-09-08 20:20:06 UTC
Last updated 2017-09-08 20:20:06 UTC

You Cocked It Up

Author's Note

sadly the only narration I know of for this story is on pornhub so...

You Cocked It Up

You close the bedroom door behind you, wearing a coy smile. Your marefriend Lyra lays her bed.... well.

"So, you're all moved in now," Lyra says with a smile. "How's it feel?"

"You know? It's pretty cool. At first, once I found out that there was a strange portal in the back of my home on earth, then found myself stuck in Equestria, I wouldn't have ever expected to have fallen in love with the very first mare I met."

Lyra snickers, eyes darting to the other side of the room.

"Yeah! Heh. Funny how that worked out, huh," she says nervously.

"But now, here I am. With a wonderful, loving marefriend. Who cares about me... loves me," you say as you move towards the bed.

"And is totally over the whole... finger sucking thing."

"I thought we weren't going to talk about that."

"Anon, some things are really hard to give up. The oral fixation is real," Lyra teases.

You crawl on the bed and your gaze moves to the window, where the bright light of Luna's moon shines in. Almost as if everything the light touches is protected by her domain and magic. Always under watch. That's probably why Luna wants the night watch. Cause she's a filthy pervert. Good on you, Luna. Good on you.

"Well, here we are," you say with an air of contentment.

"Anon..." Lyra says, crawling up the bed toward you. "It's a special day."

You look down at her, her half lidded eyes, the way she nibbles her bottom lip.

"What do you say we... try something special?~" she whispers sensually.

"Wait, does this mean you want to be big spoon this time?" you ask. "Jetpack cuddling is fucking awesome."

"No, you dummy," Lyra retorts flatly. "I want you to fuck me."

You pause, raising a hand in the air and nodding your head in disbelief.

"Right. Duh. I should have. Figured. Uhm. One moment."

You rise from the bed and pace the room. Okay. Now think, Anon. A pony wants to bone you. It's been a long time since you got laid. Like, a long time. You know how this goes. You know the motions. All you have to do is not think that they are a pony.

"What's wrong, Anon?" Lyra asks.

"I, uh. Nothing."

"First time?" Lyra asks. "If so, there's no reason to feel bad. It's actually kind of cute. We can go super slow, and--"

"No, that's not it."

"Oh, thank Celestia. Cause if you started crying after we got done I don't know what I would have done."

You pause, turn to look at Lyra as she shrugs her shoulders.

"Unicorn school was weird. Just take my word for it," she says.

You take a deep breath, slap yourself, and straighten yourself.

"It's just... Uh. You're a pony. And I'm... well, you know."

Lyra stares at you for a moment, then everything clicks in her mind.

"OH. Right. Different world."

"Yeah... just. Where I come from, horses aren't really for sexual."

Lyra sits up on the bed, her ears folding down.

"Does that mean, you don't want to?"

"NO! That's not it at all," you exclaim.

"Oh thank Celestia!" Lyra gasps. "Cause I wanted to have trouble walking for a few days."

You raise your hand to respond, but simply tilt your head.

"I just. The whole different species thing is new to me. So... Just. It'll be weird. And I don't want to... weird you out. I mean. I've jerked off to a lot of things I'm not proud of--"

"Like what?" Lyra asks.

"What am I on trial here? That's not the point," you retort. "The point is, I'd love to... do it. Just... Be patient with me."

Lyra nods, and her ears perk back up.

"Sweet. Now get nekkid."

You take a step back, shocked at her bluntness.

"Wait, what, just like that?"

"No, wait. Like. Do it all slow. I want to enjoy every little second of this."

"Okay, well. Weird. Sometimes I swear you're only attracted to me for my body."

A silence falls over the room as Lyra's eyes remain fixed on your pants.

"Lyra?" you ask.

"What? Yeah," she says. "I love you too. Now let's do this."

You sigh, then begin to button down your shirt, revealing your bare chest. You look up to see Lyra, a single trail of drool moving down her cheek. You smile to yourself, feeling really kind of sexy over all this attention. You never considered yourself the most dapper looking fellow, but this is doing wonders for your self-image.

Then, you toss off your shoes. You pull off your socks and toss them on top of your shirt, leaving you with just your pants. You undo your belt buckle, then slowly pull the belt out, watching a small puddle of juices form on the sheets where Lyra sits. Her hoof moves casually down.

"Enjoying the show?" you ask.

"Mnh~" she hums through her teeth, lost in a trance from your body.

You could get used to this.

You pull the belt out of the final loop and crack it like a whip in the air. Lyra moans lightly at the sharp sound piercing the air. You toss the belt down as you walk towards her, unbuttoning your pants. Undoing the zipper, they fall down to the ground behind you, and you step out of the holes, just in your underwear. A hard red blush overcomes Lyra's face as you walk toward her, your member clearly resisting the confining space of the fabric.

Nearing the edge of the bed, your grab one of her hooves, then place them at the waist of your underpants. You give her a devilish smile as she grabs it tightly. Her mouth opens slightly, and you can feel her hot breath against your bare skin. Then, she pulls lightly, watching the way your cock moves underneath your boxers. Then, she pulls hard, and lets Anonymous Junior free.

Then, she freezes for a moment. An uncomfortable silence fills the air. Her face contorts in equal parts curiosity and revulsion. Her head tilts as her brow furrows.

"Oh," she says. "... Huh."

"Oh?" you respond, now feeling that inflated self-image falling apart around you. "What's 'Oh'?"

"It's just. It's nothing."

"What? I'm a human. Did you expect a horse dick or something?" you ask, pulling your underwear up to cover yourself.

"No, I didn't."

"I mean I get it. I'm probably not as well-endowed as most other folks, but it was going to look weird."

"No no no, I mean the size isn't the problem!" Lyra says, reaching a hoof out to your as you step away. "I mean, well, it's not a big problem. It's disappointing, but I still love you."

You sigh and sit down beside her.

"So, then. What?" you ask, fear in your voice.

"I don't know. I guess... I just thought it would look different."

"Look different?" you ask, turning to her incredulously. "Like, fucking, how."

"I don't know!" Lyra says defensively. "It's weird."

"No, really," you say, feeling a little attacked. "How? How did you think my penis would work?"

"Okay, one, penis isn't really a sexy word. You could work on your bedside manner," Lyra says. You glare at her until she continues. "Two, uhm... Well, like, big and purple. O-or gold with diamond studs. And with little rabbit ears at the bottom."

You pause, staring at her blankly.

"What... What the actual fuck are you talking about?" you ask.

"I don't know. I told you it was weird."

"No, I... How? Why? Why would you think a human cock would look like that?" you ask.

Lyra takes a deep breath, then sighs in defeat. She leaps off the bed, walks to her closet, and pulls out a rather large box.

"This," she says.

"What's in the box, Lyra?" you ask fearfully. "What's in the box?"

"Just... open it."

You rise off the bed, walk towards the rather unsuspicious box with a certain sense of dread. What the fuck is in there? Is it a cut off dick, or something? A whole bunch of porn? Actually, if she has a bunch of human porn she's been holding out on, then you hope she shares. Hopefully not porn of you. You don't like yourself -that- much. Yet.

You kneel down, and peel open the lid of the box and inside nearly takes your breath away. Dildos. Dozens of Dildos. Long ones, short ones, glow in the dark ones, ones with batteries, ones that look like a traffic cone, and ones that are shaped like a fist.

Lyra reaches in and pulls out a nine inch black implement with ribs and studs, then flips a switch that makes it whirl like a wacky waving arm flailing tube man.

"Does that mean that human dicks can't do this?" she asks. "Cause this one is my favorite."

You open your mouth to say something, but pause in sheer utter amazement.

"No. Not even a man at the peak of physical fitness could do that."

"Oh," Lyra says. "Well, I uhm. Okay."

You pause, picking up one of the plastic dicks and look at it sadly.

"This really kinda killed the mood, huh?" you ask.

"Yeah..."

"I'm sorry that I don't have a green vibrating dick."

"No, it's fine," Lyra says. "I don't know what I expected. Just... let's go to bed and forget about tonight. I was stupid."

Lyra rises to her hooves and climbs into bed, her tail hangs limply off the side of the bed. She relinquishes a deep sigh as she pulls the covers over her head.

"Actually," you say. "I have another idea."

"Okay, I'm back," you say, closing the bedroom door behind you. "Sorry that took so long."

Lyra looks at you sleepily as she sits up in bed, her mane a complete mess.

"Where did you go?" she asks, holding back a yawn.

"Listen. I love you," you say. "And lovers make sacrifices for one another. So..."

You drop an aluminum can on the ground in front of you. You rip off your pants and underwear. Lyra winces at the sight of your dick.

"Okay, I wasn't ready for that," Lyra says. "Sorry."

"Just... bear with me," you say. You grab a nearby flat-head screwdriver, uncap the can of paint to reveal the swirly purple sparkle inside. "If it takes my dick looking like some sort of crazy dildo to get you in the mood..."

You position yourself over the can of paint, and teabag your cock inside the can of paint.

"Oh CHRIST that's cold... I mean. Then, that's something I'll do for you."

You lift your genitals out of the paint, and the tip slowly drips paint back into the can.

"Although, I don't think we can probably do oral," you say. "This is, like, legit paint."

Lyra looks from your drippy dick, back to you, and smiles warmly.

"Alright, you weirdo. Come over here and paint my insides."

"You have herpes."

"WHAT!" You and Lyra shout at the doctor.

"Yes. Apparently, the toxic substance that entered your private areas and created some form of deep inner infection. For both of you."

Lyra folds her hooves as you scratch the back of your head.

"Well, I mean, I guess I don't know what I expected," you say.

"We can give you some medication, but the two of you will need to be careful in the future not to-"

"Paint the town red?" you ask.

"Stop," Lyra growls.

"Oh, that's easel for you to say."

"Stop."

"Don't brush off my jokes."

"I will break up with you," Lyra says flatly.

And so, you and Lyra went on to have a rather interesting sex life. And if there was one thing you learned from the whole ordeal, paint is not a suitable substitute for lube.

The End.