Hat tricks

by Acologic

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Luna, Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1799

Ever tried hurling your beanie? Princesses Celestia and Luna encounter said activity's inherent competitiveness.

Ever tried hurling your beanie? Princesses Celestia and Luna encounter said activity’s inherent competitiveness.

A huge thank you to Cygnia for providing this story with its magnificent artwork.

Published 2017-09-12 06:30:06 UTC
Last updated 2017-09-12 06:30:06 UTC

Hat tricks

Thud.

Luna’s hat hit the floor.

‘The clear winner!’ exclaimed Joachim. ‘I think congratul—’

‘She did it! She did it!’

‘—ations are in ord—’

‘Hooray!’

‘Huzzah!’

‘Bravo!’

‘THE NIGHT SHALL LAST FOREVER!
OH, THE NIGHT SHALL LAST FOREVER!
PUT DOWN YOUR SHADES
AND YOUR LEMONADE
FOR THE NIGHT SHALL LAST FOREVER!’

‘ENOUGH!’

Silence fell.

Squeak.

Squeak.

Squeak.

‘Oh,’ said the tea lady, bringing her trolley to a halt. ‘Should I come back later?’

‘Absolutely not!’ said Luna fervently, snatching a biscuit from its plate and guzzling it whole. ‘I’b wuh a cubba!’

‘GO!’ roared Celestia. ‘ALL OF YOU! LEAVE!’

There was collective grumbling as two-score guards trooped out of the atrium and into the courtyard. Celestia groaned.

‘Half-a-metre less! Half-a-metre!’

Luna was noisily polishing off another biscuit.

‘Sithter, pwease! Ih wuh juh a siwwy game!’

She picked up her hat and flung it at the coat stand.

‘Gah,’ she said, as it flew out an open window. ‘I missed. See? Not so good after all!’

‘You threw farther,’ said Celestia through gritted teeth. Luna shrugged.

‘Hard lines.’

‘This is serious!’

‘Is it? You know, for a princess, you spend an awful lot of time getting worked up over nothing.’

‘Over nothing? I lost in front of forty guards! I lost! Me! The Princess of Equestria!’

‘Big deal!’

‘Yes, actually! Look,’ said Celestia, ‘I don’t think you get it. They saw I’m not infallible, know I’m – oh, you wouldn’t understand.’

She began to pace up and down.

‘Such doubts can shape the future. I must put them to rest.’

She fixed Luna with an icy stare.

‘I must destroy you, Luna – utterly and completely, and not just out of necessity, oh, dear me, no! In light of the fact that you are my sister, it becomes a moral duty.’

‘Fine,’ said Luna, rubbing the space between her eyes. ‘Fine. Do your worst.’

Celestia drew herself up to her full height.

‘Luna,’ she said in ringing tones, ‘I challenge you to a face-off – with hats!’

Ooo eee ooo eee ooo!
Wah wah wah!
Ooo eee ooo eee ooo!
Wah –

‘Stop that!’ said Celestia.

The conductor grinned.

‘Sorry.’

‘Who invited the Royal Band, anyway?’

‘No one, your Highness, but – well, we just thought we’d come to spectate – if that’s all right, of course.’

‘Hmph.’

The sun shone brightly, much like Celestia herself. She was arrayed in a gown of gold and silver, and her cap was encrusted with precious stones. A shame, really, to toss like a twig such a titfer, but it had to be done.

The courtyard was jam-packed with tables, chairs and ponies. Plates were piled high with food. Drinks hovered over horns.

‘Ah,’ said Celestia briskly, ‘here’s Luna.’

The crowd parted to grant her passage. She too was draped in gold and silver, only –

‘You have got to be joking.’

Perched happily atop Luna’s head was a fraying ten-gallon hat.

‘Are you mad, girl?’ cried Celestia loudly enough to turn heads. Pink in the face, she lowered her voice and hissed, ‘You’re unbelievable, you are!’

Luna swept off her horrible headpiece and bowed, grinning. Celestia bristled.

‘Take it off at once, you’ll make a fool of yourself!’

‘Are you kidding?’ said Luna, feigning hurt. ‘This baby’s going to win me the contest!’’

‘You can’t wear that thing!’

‘Sister, relax.’

Joachim waddled over, his face eager.

‘Princess Luna!’ he said, eyeing her hat with an air of polite disapproval. ‘Princess Celestia! Ready to begin proceedings?’

Celestia cleared her throat.

‘I –’

‘Positively champing at the bit, old boy!’ interrupted Luna. ‘Let’s get this party started, Joachim, there’s a good chap.’

Joachim nodded emphatically.

‘At once!’

He sucked in.

‘FILLIES AND GENTLECOLTS!’ he bellowed, causing Celestia to jump. ‘WELCOME! WELCOME TO OUR VERY FIRST ROYAL FACE-OFF!’

These words were greeted with cheers and applause.

‘THROWING FOR THE TITLE OF UNDISPUTED CHAMPIONS OF EQUESTRIA, FIVE PONIES WHOSE COURAGE KNOWS NO BOUNDS, CAPTAINED BY OUR OWN PRINCESS CELESTIA! PUT YOUR HOOVES TOGETHER FOR TEAM SUNBEAM!’

Celestia acknowledged the subsequent adulation with a regal wave.

‘AND THEIR OPPONENTS! THROWING FOR THE VERY SAME TITLE, THE LEANEST, MEANEST, TOUGHEST RIVALS A PONY CAN IMAGINE! PRINCESS LUNA’S VERY OWN NIGHT GUARD!’

Luna punched the air.

‘Luna!’ said Celestia indignantly, ‘not so – oh, forget it.’

‘POSITIONS!’

Celestia turned round to find her team saluting her. She waved them down.

‘Mr Sentry. I want you to throw first.’

‘You – you do?’

‘Show them what we’re about.’

Blinking rather rapidly, he stepped into the circle and pulled off his bowler.

‘FIRST UP, TEAM SUNBEAM! AND IT LOOKS AS THOUGH FLASH SENTRY WILL BE THE ONE TO KICK THINGS OFF! WHAT A FORELEG THIS PONY HAS! EXPECT A SOLID THROW!’

‘Come on!’ shouted Celestia.

Flash hurled the hat with all his might. It soared through the sky and came to rest some forty feet away. The crowd oohed loudly.

‘NOT BAD!’ Joachim was saying, ‘NOT BAD AT ALL! THAT’S VERY RESPECTABLE!’

Flash grinned, looking pleased with himself.

‘A good effort,’ said Luna merrily.

‘THE GAUNTLET HAS BEEN THROWN, METAPHORICALLY SPEAKING! HOW WILL WHIRLWHIND RESPOND?’

Whirlwind stepped forwards, his eyes glinting with purpose.

‘Well done,’ Celestia said quietly to Flash. ‘Now it’s time to find out whether Luna’s teammates are worth anything.’

Whirlwind gave a mighty roar.

‘OH, VERY NICE!’ said Joachim. ‘VERY NICE INDEED!’

Celestia gasped. Whirlwind’s hat had travelled farther than Flash’s – a lot farther. She glanced quickly at Luna, who was busy slapping backs. This was going to be harder than she’d thought.

‘LUNA AND HER NIGHTGUARD TAKE THE LEAD! REMEMBER, FOLKS! THE PONY WHO THROWS FARTHEST WINS THE TITLE FOR THEIR TEAM!’

Solar got to his hooves. Celestia pulled him close.

‘Your financial status is of no interest to me,’ she muttered. ‘You fail to make them pay, you don’t get paid. Understand?’

He gulped, nodding.

‘AND IT’S SOLAR FOR TEAM SUNBEAM! BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY, FILLIES AND GENTLECOLTS, THAT THIS PONY PUTS THE “POW” IN POWER!’

Solar looked ready to pass out as he took off his hat.

‘AND HERE WE – OH! IT’S A SPECTACULAR SHOT!’

The courtyard erupted. Celestia cheered.

‘Bravo! Bravo!’

‘You’re doing rather well,’ said Luna brightly, ‘only wait and see what I’ve got in store for you, Sister.’

‘Oh, you needn’t worry,’ said Celestia, as her team closed in behind her. ‘I intend to.’

‘BACK TO THE NIGHT GUARD! AND IT’S STORMCLOUD WHO’LL BE THROWING NEXT –’

‘There really isn’t much point, you know,’ said Luna four turns later. ‘Once I’ve thrown, it’ll all be over.’

‘Yes,’ said Celestia, ‘it will! And I shall accept your congratulations after I’ve lifted my trophy!’

‘AND NOW!’ hollered Joachim. ‘THE MOMENT YOU’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR! FILLIES AND GENTLECOLTS, WHAT AN HONOUR IT IS TO GIVE YOU THE ONE! THE ONLY! THE QUEEN OF PRINCESSES! CELESTIA!’

‘Good luck!’ said Luna, as Celestia marched into the circle to deafening applause.

Suddenly, she felt a little ill. Her heart was racing, and her legs wobbled awkwardly.

‘REMEMBER, FOLKS! SHOULD THESE FINAL THROWS PROVE INCONSEQUENTIAL, THEN SOLAR HAS WON HIS TEAM THE TITLE! BUT DON’T DISCOUNT ANYTHING! OUR BELOVED MONARCHS ARE YET TO PARTAKE! WHO WILL BE YOUR CHAMPIONS? WILL IT BE TEAM SUNBEAM?’

Cries of assent split the air.

‘WILL IT BE LUNA AND HER NIGHT GUARD?’

More cries, but among these there was booing. Celestia felt braver.

She took a deep breath and pulled her leg back as far as it would go.

Then she let fly, as hard as she could.

Thud.

‘OH MY! A VERY GOOD THROW, BUT NOT QUITE THE FARTHEST WE’VE SEEN TODAY! SO IT’S ALL ON PRINCESS LUNA!’

Celestia sighed with relief. It was enough. She had fallen short of Solar by quite some distance, so there was no way Luna could win.

Evidently, Luna thought otherwise. She bounded into place, smiling wider than a watermelon.

‘Time to make my mark!’ she said.

‘THE CUSTODIAN OF YOUR DREAMS!’ cried Joachim. ‘SHE WHO GUARDS THE NIGHT! FILLIES AND GENTLECOLTS, LET’S MAKE SOME NOISE!’

Luna lapped up the attention, waving her hideous hat through the air like a flag. Then, without warning, she threw.

The crowd gasped.

Joachim’s mouth fell open.

‘No,’ breathed Celestia. ‘No.’

Not only had Luna’s hat ousted all competition but it had flown past the scoring lane, over the balcony and down into central Canterlot.

Joachim recovered quickly.

‘I DON’T BELIEVE IT! WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT!’

‘NO!’ screamed Celestia. ‘NO!’

‘MAGNIFICENT! ABSOLUTELY MAGNIFICENT, AND ALSO OUR FINAL THROW – YES, THEY’RE BRINGING THE TROPHY. WELL! HOW ABOUT THAT! PRINCESS LUNA TRUMPS THE LOT!’

Luna and her team were hoisted above the crowd and carried off, celebrating wildly.

‘NO! NO! NOOO!’

‘Sister!’

‘Leave me!’

‘Sister, please –’

‘I’m a laughing stock!’

‘Sist—’

‘BEGONE!’

Thunk.

Thunk.

Thunk.

‘Um,’ said Luna tentatively, ‘what are you doing?’

‘What does it look like?’ snarled Celestia, dashing her head against the wall.

Thunk.

Thunk.

Thunk.

‘Sister,’ said Luna, ‘don’t take this the wrong way, but I think you might be overreacting – just a little.’

‘Overreacting,’ Celestia said slowly, in a voice of steel. ‘You think so, do you?’

‘Just a tad, yes.’

‘Have you ever had to celebrate publicly for an hour your total humiliation?’ asked Celestia, breathing heavily. ‘Have you ever had to smile a smile of salt? Have you ever had to present to your own flesh and blood a trophy acknowledging your abject failure? Well?’ she demanded. ‘Have you?’

‘Um,’ said Luna, as Celestia bore down on her, ‘I don’t –’

‘No! You haven’t! So forgive me if I’m overreacting!’

She screamed the last word before turning away.

‘Sister . . .’

Celestia ignored her.

‘Sister!’

Celestia fought back tears.

‘I won’t cry,’ she told herself firmly. ‘I won’t cry.’

‘Sister!’ said Luna. ‘I’m sorry!’

‘Don’t apologise, Luna!’ said Celestia, snorting. ‘You aren’t in the wrong. You won, fair and square. I don’t like it? Well. That’s my problem.’

Luna shifted uncomfortably, the winning hat clutched against her chest.

‘Um . . .’

Celestia narrowed her eyes. She knew that tone of voice.

‘Luna,’ she said, ‘what aren’t you telling me?’

‘You – you know how I said this hat’d win me the game?’

‘Yes?’

‘I, uh . . .’

‘Yes?’ prompted Celestia.

‘Well, I may have –’

‘Hold it.’

Celestia raised a hoof and, pointing, said, ‘What’s that?’

Luna paled.

‘Um, what’s what?’

‘That. Luna, give it to me!’

‘Hey!’ said Luna, as her hat was knocked out from behind her hoof. Celestia bent down and grabbed it.

It was heavy, just as she’d suspected. And poking out of a small tear in the lining was –

‘Luna,’ growled Celestia, and she held up to the light an old, rusty horseshoe.