Oh no, I'm not a villain....
Tartarus - time ????
The guards of Tartarus dragged the newest prisoner past the guard dog of the prison realm, and canine gatekeeper Cerberus. Nodding in understanding, the beast lets them pass. Then again the twin guards are regulars when it comes to delivering prisoners. As a result it is quite used to the red and blue pair coming in and out of the plane of torment and punishment akin to a prison out of hell. It’s just common courtesy to acknowledge visitors, after all Cerberus may be a three headed monstrous canine entity of unknown powers, but he is no ruffian or mongrel.
Though at this moment the great hound wishes he had some sound muffling headphones, the new prisoner is quite vocal about the situation. Annoyingly so.
The two guards are for various reasons unaware of this. They are just doing their job, as usual. Taking a convict and transporting him to his future cell. It just so happens that this cell is in Tartarus.
All the while, like all those before it, the new blood screams about how he is innocent and has done absolutely nothing wrong. Most prisoners do this while they are being carried to their punishment and fate. Whether due to lack of awareness, some degree of psychological problems, or simple denial; no-being quite knows why they cry innocent when they definitely are not. After all if they were innocent they wouldn’t be hauled off to Tartarus in the first place.
Yet they still scream about how they are not evil, or how they did nothing to deserve this fate. Well except Tirek, Glognar the Terrible, the Dark Elder Witches, and Joey from the dimension of opposites who only sells sugar free donuts and decaf coffee. Everyone knows decaf drives ponies to madness when combined with sugar free donuts. He openly admitted in court that he knew that, and that his plan was to create a world of eternal madness. Needless to say, Discord himself personally dropped Joey off in Tartarus.
Those who witnessed the delivery claimed that the evil coffee pony seemed to have completely lost his mind upon arrival. Then again, he did attempt to one up a chaos god, so he probably deserved whatever happened to him in transit.
But minus those specific beings, and the original schmooze, Mummi-Ra, Gladys the Gorger, Terrance the living carnivorous Terrace, and a few others whose names must not be spoken lest they drive one made and summon forth all manner of terrible destruction; most prisoners brought to Tartarus are in complete denial about how evil they are. Mostly because many evil beings don’t realize they are evil. Like crazy beings don’t realize they are crazy. There is a reason why the mad of mind are aware of how insane they are, while crazy ones are unaware. It’s sort of the same for evil beings, but with much less cheese and jump rope.
For some evil entities, reform or some form of management is possible. This is due to them being aware, or being made aware, of their own evil nature. For others, reform is impossible for one of two reasons. One is that said evil beings like being evil, and since evil is an integral part of them they can’t reform.
Then you have the group covered by reason two, a group that by far is the most obnoxious kind of non reformable evil. These are the ones who are unaware they are evil, or are in denial, or even worse believe they are the good guys. They tend to cause much havoc before being caught and sentenced to Tartarus. Actually in some ways they are worse than truly evil entities, since they are the ones that won’t shut up about not being evil. Even after being found guilty of horrific crimes.
Like the rather scrawny, pale, mostly hairless tailless monkey that thankfully has clothes on that the two guards are hauling to his new home. If it wasn’t for the ear plugs and twin telepathy the two Devi-Fiend guards have the poor sap might be dead already. Thankfully, Celestia realized quite a few bodies ago that sometimes it’s better if guards can’t hear a prisoner scream. This is one of those times.
So as the distraught prisoner struggles and proclaims its innocence, the guards hear nothing but sweet silence. A silence that the other prisoners in the vast realm of Tartarus wish they could share.
Eventually the two guards reach the destination and unceremoniously dump the now vocally hoarse new blood in his cell. Slamming the door shut and activating the magical seal, they walk away without a word. After all this is the usual boring day to day for them, and they have another prisoner to pick up in a few hours. Thanks to their ear plugs they do not hear the screams of the prisoner behind them, nor the echoes of the ensuing conversation through the caverns of Tartarus.
Tartarus - The New Guy
“I’m innocent I swear, let me out of here! I’m not evil this is a huge misunderstanding! Can’t you hear me!”
The new prisoner screams, his voice hoarse, as the two massive guards walk away and out of sight. Grabbing the bars with his hands he shakes them, making quite a racket but nothing else. His mop of brown hair is a sweaty mess, as is his dust covered clean shaven face from which two green eyes gaze out pleadingly. Average in build, if a bit on the gangly side, he is quite the unassuming being. Even with a tattered shirt with a faded pony icon and ripped pants, well if he wasn’t in Tartarus already one would never presume he would do something vile enough to end up there. He is just, so very average looking.
His cell is not that horrible, there is a bed, a table, and a book titled “Tartarus and You - A guide to hell prison” that is presumably a guide of some sort. Of course there is no proper toilet, just a chamber pot. However as far as hell prisons go, it is not that bad. Of course, it’s still a prison cell in a hell dimension. Which means the cell in question is hanging over a pit of souls, screaming in eternal agony, with interconnecting pathways and corridors branching here and there at random.
And it’s not the only cell, for the entire chamber is littered with similar cages, most occupied by various evils and monsters.
And this poor fellow is reacting exactly as expected to this situation.
“Please, let me out! I did nothing wrong! I’m not a villain I’m a good guy!”
Rattling the cage and sobbing hysterically, the man does not notice that his antics have slightly irritated his fellow prisoners.
One cage over, a large black and red elderly looking centaur sits with a very annoyed expression on his face. Before him are playing cards, which are arranged in such a way that it is obvious he has been playing solitaire with himself. As the man rattles his cage once more, the vibration travels through the air and causes one of the cards to shift ever so slightly out of position. The centaurs eye twitch, and he turns his head towards the new blood. Half shouting, half growling he bellows; “For Hell’s sake would you please shut up!”
The man in the cage freezes, then spins around and rushes to the side closest to the aggravated centaur. In a half hysterical voice he speaks through the bars.
“You can understand me? Oh sweet Celestia thank you, you can understand me. I thought not a single being in this horrible place would hear my pleas.”
Putting his cards away with a sweep of his hand, the Centaur turns to face the very strange sad little man who is now his cell neighbor. In a measured voice oozing sarcasm and irritation he responds. “Of course I can hear and understand you. It’s impossible not to hear you. So impossible in fact that I could simply kill you for being so damn loud”. The last of his words is emphasized by a clenched fist and a forced and quite furious vicious grin. If looks could kill, well the new guy would be dead.
Oblivious to the threat on his life, the man grins and cries in happiness. With a far too gleeful expression on his face he cheers.
“Oh I’m so happy that someone here understands me. It’s nice to meet you, my name is Ted, what’s your name?”
The centaur is, well taken aback. His expression changing from one of viciousness to one best described as whut in microseconds. For a few more seconds he wonders if this new prisoner is just insane, oblivious, evil, or two out of three. Deciding it really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things, and partially due to sheer boredom, he decides to respond and not plot the death of his new neighbor. After all plotting another’s doom is best done over a long period of time, it’s villain tradition after all.
Voice tinged with confusion, and still seething annoyance, the centaur responds.
“Tirek the Second, bringer of destruction and evil overlord who almost brought Equestria and the princesses to it’s knees by absorbing the vast magical energies of this world, twice. Charmed.”
Ted still grinning laughs, clapping his hands.
“Oh that’s a good one, I’m sure you are really a hero who tried to save the world but was framed by the true villain.”
Tirek just stares at the quite obviously insane with denial things before him.
Forcing a smile, and trying to maintain some degree of civility so as not trigger Schmoozie, he replies in the most rational way he can at the moment.
“You do realize we are in Tartarus.”
Ted giggles, eyes dilated in obvious self induced hysteria.
“Yes, I know. And like me I am sure you were falsely impisoned here. So now we must team up and break out, so that we might capture the true villain. By going on a whirlwind series of adventures that bring us closer together as true fellows and heroes of all that is right in this World!”
Ted then proceeds to strike a series of heroic poses for no reason in particular.
And more or less confirms to Tirek that he is absolutely insane with denial. In a measured and very controlled voice, Tirek poses a very simple question. “Ted, are you completely batshit insane?”
Ted stops giggling, and puts on face like a sad little puppy pouting.
“No, I’m a good guy. I don’t belooong heeere!” The last part comes out like a petulant whine.
Tirek just lifts an eyebrow and stares, again, nearly flabbergasted at the new guy.
Reaching over to his own table, he grabs the same book that every cell, including Ted’s has. Opening it to the first page, he turns it towards the obviously bonkers boy and recites the page from memory. “In order to read this book, cover or contents, one must be of evil persuasion. Not mere salt in sugar shaker and vice versa evil, but evil to such a degree one cannot help but cause destruction and chaos to all around them. Evil to the degree of not realizing ones own evil, or accepting their state as truly evil creatures. If you can read this, you are irredeemably evil. Congratulations on being a vile creature that causes mayhem and destruction, and being tossed into Tartarus for your crimes.
Evil be as Evil does my fellow evildoers.”
Closing the book, Tirek stares at the now quite shocked Ted. Based on the lad’s expression, he no doubt made his point. Putting the book back, the centaur waits for the inevitable. He doesn’t have to wait long.
Ted stutters, eyes staring blankly ahead.
“I can read the cover..and the words..”
Tirek nods, “Mhm.”
Ted puts his hands on his face, mind reeling in shock over the sudden realization. Still half in denial he tries to justify himself as good against his nature.
“But I can’t be a bad guy, but I can read the book so I’m evil in nature. But that does not make me evil, I mean I have never done anything evil in my life. I’m a good guy, a kind human, I know I am.”
Tired of Ted’s delusional denial laden tirade, Tirek decides to try the more direct approach. Adopting a rather casual pose he leans against his prison bed.
“Is that so Ted? Then do please enlighten me on how you are not evil. What exactly did you do to wind up in Tartarus?”
The rather average human, glances left and right nervously, almost as if shy. He mumbles in a nearly silent tone his reply.
“I don’t want to talk about it...”
Tirek snorts, half in amusement and half in irritation.
“Oh get off your high and mighty steed Ted. You are in Tartarus, and the cell neighbor of one of the most evil villains in Equestria’s history.”
To the lower right of the two cells a high pitched cackle can be heard, followed by a wizened old women’s voice shouting. “Most evil villain in history my magical ass Tirek two. My sisters and I are more evil than you ever will be! After all we wreaked havoc millenia before you were born, and created the great purple schmooze. It was our actions that decimated dream valley! And furthermore..”
“Shut up you damned witch, nobody cares what you did to end up here. Besides, it’s not like anyone remembers you anyway.” This voice comes from a cage to the left of the two cells holding Tirek and Ted.
The witch hisses before shouting back.
“Oh like you are one to talk you stupid ogre! At least my sisters and I lasted for more than two battles against those wretched ponies, Megan, and a teeny tiny baby dragon.”
The ogre, quite offended by the horrible witch, shouts back in indignation.
“Take that back! It’s not my fault I got my arse handed to me after I took an entire army out and was severely wounded when those magical ponies with their light rainbow wielding friend showed up. I’m a victim of circumstance. Albeit, a very evil one.”
The witch snorts, and growls back a comment so filled with vitriol that Tartarus itself censors it.
The caged ancient ogre villain grabs the bars and cries out in anguish and rage.
“That is going too far! Ogres have feelings too you know! We are like onions.”
The witch retorts, “You mean you stink and make your mother cry.”
The ogre trembles in fury, “You filthy old hag, if I could get out of this cage for one Tartarus damned minute I would....”
Another voice, slimy like a rotten piece of vegetation chimes in.
“Would you two knock it off. Some of us actually want to hear what the new guy did to end up here.”
In unison the witch and ogre say, “New Guy? What new guy?”
The living mass of rotten putrified vegetation that smells like a long decayed swamp grows a disturbingly proper arm and points at Ted and Tirek’s cage.
“That guy, Tirek’s new neighbor. They just brought him in a few hours ago. And Tirek was about to get him to spill what he did before some villains decided to interrupt with their own petty crap like an old married couple.”
The two, now quite grumpy villains purse their lips and turn their heads away from each other. Each muttering a humph, before turning their attention to the new guy. Of course now all eyes, in every cell in the chamber, are focused on Ted. Including a impossible amount of eyes that the decaying swamp creature just formed.
Tirek chuckles, as the poor human suddenly feels very self conscious. The old centaur calmly says, “Well Ted, all eyes are on you now, so why don’t you just go ahead and tell all of us why you are here. I’m sure you are completely innocent, and not a villain, just like you say. So what’s the harm in explaining the situation to us eh?”
In a voice so low Ted can’t hear, the ogre whispers to the witch, “Is Tirek doing that psychology reverse thing?”
The witch growls, “It’s reverse psychology you mud brained moron, now be quiet I want to hear the new guy’s story.”
Ted, now acutely aware that he is not going to be able to stall telling his tale, takes a deep breathe. Preparing himself for unveiling his great achievements of goodness to his fellow inmates of circumstance. He begins.
“First off I should introduce myself. My name is Ted Meyers. I am a good guy.”
The witch interjects, “Nice to meet you Ted, I’m Hydia.”
The ogre chimes in, “Glorbmuck, I used to work for the first Tirek till I took a magical rainbow to the face.”
The swamp beasts grumbles, “Since I really do want to hear the rest of Ted’s story, I’m Darkrot, the living swamp of doom and all that. And I eat babies of all types, but not toddlers or older, too gamey.”
Ted chuckles nervously before continuing, and pretends he didn’t hear the part about eating babies. “It’s nice to meet all of you, now back to my story.”
“Are you related to a Micheal, Ted?” Shouts a voice from far below the cages visible to the human.
Quite annoyed Ted shouts back, “No, whoever you are, I am not related to that Meyers. Now can I get on with my story?”
The voice calls back sheepishly, “Yeah, sure, whatever.”
The average human named Ted begins pacing about his cell as he recites his sordid tale. For you see it is quite the story.
“You see, it all started when I woke up in Equestria. It was a Tuesday, and one moment I was minding my own business visiting clients and the next, I’m in the world of my favorite fandom. However right away I noticed something was amiss, for my beloved ponies and future friends were attempting to chop down some perfectly harmless trees. I ran to the aid of the trees, and chased the horribly misguided ponies away with my magic powers of kaboom.”
Hydia interjects, “Wait wait, what do you mean your magical powers of kaboom? And what did these trees look like exactly?”
Ted begrudgingly answers the witch in an exasperated tone.
“Why the powers of kaboom granted by my close friend, who is sadly now sealed in a vault in Celestia’s castle, Siggy Sawyer. And the trees were sort of black with green ooze coming out of them, and they could talk.”
The cavern goes very quiet, as everyone but Ted realizes what exactly the trees he saved were. They were Vile Venomtrunk trees, a sentient species of tree that reproduces by parasitizing a host. Quite a horrible way to go really. They tend to spread quite rapidly too.
Tirek coughs breaking the silence, “Ok then, carry on Ted, what happened next?”
Ted smiles fondly as he recalls his next heroic achievement.
“After saving the poor trees from development, I wandered for some time. Then I came upon a hall with wrong sized silverware, half of which had not been properly shined in so long it was unlikely it could be salvaged. Besides, they were the wrong color and didn’t match. So I took the offensive silverware, and to ensure no other parties were harmed by such an offense to dinner fashion I didn’t stop there. I gallantly acquired every piece of mismatched silverware in all of Equestria. Now the ponies had to purchase matching sets of silverware. I saved them from a lifetime of misery and non uniform cutlery.”
Darkrot’s many eyes are comically wide at this point, darting back and forth as he tries to put into words exactly how messed up what he just heard is.
However Tirek beats him to the punch.
“Ted, I have a question.” The old villainous wizard begins.
Ted, caught up in euphoric totally not evil memories, replies happily.
“Ask away Tirek, what do you want to know about my exploits?”
The being who wrought great destruction on the world twice taps his lip for a moment with a finger before voicing his rather unusual query. “By any chance, did these mismatched silverware sets have a set of three party balloons emblazoned on the handle? Two blue balloons and one yellow one to be precise?”
Ted gleefully grins as he replies, “Why yes, I believe they did. Why do you ask?”
Tirek leans back and chuckles evilly, “Oh no reason, none at all. Carry on with your stories of virtue and kindness Ted.”
The totally not evil human skips around his cell merrily as he continues on with his wonderful tales of good natured acts that for some reason resulted in him being imprisoned in Tartarus.
“Alright then, so after I had righted that great wrong of tableware I journeyed forth once more. During my travels I also decided to correct a similar issue concerning mid matched socks. From the lines and homes I did take these foul fashion offenses, and I must say it worked out well indeed. However in the end, after so many virtuous acts I was brought down by a horrible villain. No offense intended to present company of course.”
A chorus of “it’s fine”, “all good,” “I’m proud to be a villain,” “none taken” and the like echoes through the Tartarus hell prison chamber.
Ted Meyers, who quite frankly has no idea what he really is, cheerfully tells the final part of his tale of goodness and glory.
“Alas this villain was crafty. For you see I meant to deliver a letter to the princesses after many more wonderful acts were done in the name of good. Yet this vile fiend had turned them against me. The letter was a simple questionnaire about who was best princess, yet this horrendous fiend had convinced the princesses I was a terror and must be stopped. I fought my way through many guards, evading and disabling them as best as I could. Unfortunately once I reached the princesses, they had on their side a mighty beast who with a snap of his fingers brought my mission of virtue to a halt. Next thing I know I’m in court, some ridiculous lies about my deeds are stated as evidence, and I am sentenced to an eternity in Tartarus.”
As Ted finishes his story, his face filled with sorrow and pain at reliving such betrayal, a rising sound causies him to take pause. Slowly at first, but growing in speed and volume, is the sound of clapping. Soon cheers erupt across the chamber, and the poor virtuous human can’t help but smile.
“What’s going on?” He asks nobody in particular.
Tirek laughs like a proper villain before responding.
“Well Ted, I do believe every villain and monster here agrees with you. You are very good at what you do. And many here are quite impressed with your “virtuous” deeds.”
“Really?” The obliviously evil human says in awe and wonder.
“Really Really.” Replies his new friend, cell neighbor, the bringer of destruction and devourer of magic and really evil centaur Tirek the second.
Below them, in the three nearest cages to the now best villainous buds; the witch, ogre, and evil living swamp try to talk over the cheers.
“So...he’s evil right?” Glorbmuck asks Hydia.
The ancient villainous witch cackles in glee.
“Oh he absolutely is. And the best part is he thinks he’s a good guy, not a villain. This is too rich. Hahahahaha, oh my evil sides.”
Darkrot the living swamp garbles together words from a series of mismatched mouths. “Indeed, that Ted is quite evil. I must say I’m impressed that he pulled one over on an element of harmony, he really doesn’t seem like the type to be that reckless or insane.”
Hydia continues to giggle-talk in response.
“You don’t get it Darkrot, Ted is both oblivious and delusionally insane to the point he thinks doing evil deeds is an act of good. Too bad he’s not my type.”
Glorbmuck grumbles, “I didn’t think you had a type you stupid hag.”
Hydia flutters her eyelashes as she snidely retorts, “I do have a type, strong, vile, and too stupid to realize I am into them.”
Oblivious to the bickering evil not couple, and too caught up in his own delusions to realize he is a villain himself, Ted feels empowered by the good reception of the story of his exploits. And so he asks his new best friend a question.
“So Tirek, how do you feel about helping me escape this hell prison so that we might bring glory and goodness to Equestria!”
The wizened old fiendish centaur smiles, and the wheels in his villainous mind start spinning.
“Hmm, well Ted I will need time to come up with a plan..”
Ted nearly squees in glee, “So it’s a yes!”
Tirek grins, showing all his teeth, “Oh of course my friend, that is a definite yes.”
Clearing his throat, the centaur continues.
“However in the meantime what do you say to a card game? Your choice Ted.”
Ted ponders on this for a moment, face scrunched together in a very serious expression. Then casually he asks.
“What about Go Fish?”
Tirek shrugs, “Sure why not, we have to pass the time till lunch somehow.”
“Lunch? Is it any good?” Ted asks nonchalantly as he grabs the mandatory prison playing card set that comes with every cell in Tartarus.
They are also printed and crafted in such a way that they won’t work as tools to attempt a jailbreak. Celestia really thought ahead with this card thing. Even going so far as to make sure she was the model used for the Joker. It’s up for debate as to whether she did this to troll the prisoners or not.
Tirek responds to Ted’s question in the most articulate manner possible, with words so loaded with snark that it would physically ooze from the air if the magical seal wasn’t a standard Tartarus prison cell requirement.
“Weeell, I suppose it is good. That is if you enjoy eating something akin to rotting mystery meatloaf that has been imbued with the infernal flames of the pit itself. Which will painfully sear your insides until they begin to self destruct. Upon which point you lose the ability to ever actually eat normally again.”
Cards in his hands, Ted just gawks.
“Woah...so is that every meal of every day?”
Tirek snorts, then laughs with a deep bellowing vibrato base voice that vibrates his cage.
“No, that’s only on Mondays and every other Saturday. Otherwise it’s normal prison food that tastes like cardboard soaked in gravy with a side of water. Except on the third Tuesday of the month, that’s when we gets Tacos.”
Ted’s eyes blink very slowly as he takes that last part in.
“Tacos?”
Tirek nods and begins setting up his deck. Frowning for a moment at the Celestia themed joker because it annoys him to see her smug face making silly faces and gestures at him.
“Yeah Tacos.”
Ted starts getting his cards together, shuffling and all that with a rather confused look on his face. Finally he decides it’s better to ask than ponder till hell freezes over. Especially since he is in a hell of sorts, quite literally.
“Wait, isn’t this the hell prison of Tartarus? Why would anyone here get tacos?”
Tirek shrugs, setting his fishing deck aside and cracking his knuckles in that one way that would piss off anyone that isn’t Ted the oblivious bad guy. Yawning and giving himself time to stretch first, he responds.
“Well how else do you think they use up Cerberus’s outdated food? They can’t exactly take Tartarus miasma tainted meat and vegetables and give it to the Griffins. Exposing any non evil being to the stuff turns them into murderous mutant monsters. So instead, Celestia decided to give us evil prisoners tacos made of said miasma tainted meat and produce of questionable origin. We get one decent meal a month, and if any of us goes super powered crazy it’s easy enough to contain.”
Ted, having finished setting up his Go Fish cards, nods his head in vague understanding.
“Hmm, that makes complete sense. So has anyone here tried to use the meat to make non evil people into monsters before?”
Tirek chuckles at an old inside joke, “If it’s evil, and involves food. Hydia and her “friends” have likely done it at least once.”
Said evil witch’s voice screeches out like the sound of a thousand cats attacking an innocent chalkboard. “I heard that! And yes I did try the miasma meat thing, but the side effects were not worth it. Let’s just say Tartarus Taco Day gas is far worse when coming from an army of formerly good mutant monstrosities.”
Tirek grins, flicking his fingers to the side.
“Told you. So Ted got any threes?”
Ted shakes his head, that is now filled with images of farting mutant monsters of doom marching towards a town with a massive noxious gas cloud surrounding them. Checking his cards, he sees that he has a four but no threes.
“Nope, Go Fish.”
And thus the two new evil friends began a very long game of Go Fish, in Tartarus.
Thus was born a friendship of two fiends. One who embraces his evil, and the other who does not realize he is evil. As for whether or not they get out of Tartarus, that is about as likely as Hydia and Glorbmuck becoming an official couple. So in other words, Equestria is likely doomed sometime in the near future. Because Villainous Friendship is Magic too, just really dark magic.
Author's Note
So this was a random idea I had awhile ago.
It will probably remain a one shot at best. The entire sequence happens inside of Tartarus.
In case you are curious, Tirek is called a Tirek the second due to G1 Tirek existing. Hydia is a G1 villain. Glorbmuck is the name of a generic ogre from G1, as in I named him.
Darkrot is an OC villain and evil sentient swamp thing that causes decay and death. He also eats babies, in case you did not catch that part.
Ted Meyers, no relation to Micheal Meyers I assure you, is an oblivious villainous human who thinks he is a good guy. He has done many horrible things in the name of being a hero, like stealing from Pinkie Pie parties, and has no idea he is really evil. Also, his new best friend is an unremorsefully evil villain.
Equestria is doomed.
Glen Gorewood
Extra Chapter one - He’s safer in Tartarus
Celestia, princess of the Sun and co-ruler of Equestria is doing paperwork. Really boring court paperwork related to a recent trial of a being named Ted. Even though it is a mandatory part of the job, nobody really enjoys boring mind numbingly dull court paperwork, not even a princess. Well with the exception of Twilight, accountants, lawyers, and that one wierd pony who writes courtroom dramas for daytime programming.
But other than those ponies, and accountants, nobody really likes boring monotonous paperwork. Which is why the distinctive fiery whoosh of a portal from Tartarus opening up followed by two sets of four large hooves stomping forward are a welcome sound. Even if they relate to the paperwork she is dealing with.
Glancing up from her desk Celestia sees the two Devi-Pony twins Rouge and Bleu, wearing their distinctive and mandatory sound silencing headgear. The twins are known to those in the know to have a twin telepathy thing going on. Unfortunately due to their nature of being ponies of hellish origin, their spoken words have a nasty habit of summon monstrosities and demons from beyond the veil. They also function as an easy way to call Ponythulu for tea, since the twins are immune to the whole insanity thing.
Also they can’t do mind speak because the whole born from the pits of Tartarus thing. Mind speak would mean instant corruption to the poor non demon receiver of said communication. Or possession. That or they just burn to ashes and get teleported straight to Tartarus. It’s far too much work, hassle, and paperwork to deal with honestly.
However due to their inability to speak with others, a method has been worked out to ensure that Rouge and Bleu can still communicate easily. The twins use an archaic and mythical method of conveying their thoughts without a single word. It’s so genius, that Celestia is shocked she didn’t think of it first.
And as if on cue, Rouge uses this powerful ability to communicate. Holding up his right hoof, the one not next to Bleu, he summons forth his means of communication. A sign on a stick born from hellfire. It reads “Prisoner delivered to Tartarus.”
Celestia nods sagely, smiling at this wonderful news.
“Good my demonic ponies, now were there any problems?”
Bleu looks at Rouge, as they converse with telepathy and gestures mostly made up of shrugs and obscure facial expressions. Celestia waits patiently. Finally Bleu summons a sign.
It reads “Nope didn’t hear a thing. No problems.”
Celestia heaves a sigh of relief. She had been worried that the twins would not be able to get Ted to that cell in Tartarus before that one could locate him. She knew it was worth it to clone his unique signature aura and plant it all over Equestria to keep her distracted long enough so he could be put in a proper cell. And Luna said she was being overly cautious, ha.
Turning her attention to the twins, she shuffles through paperwork before adding something she figures she should cover just in case. After all, the only thing worse than her finding the poor creature is him ending up in the wrong cell. If that happened there would be veritable mountains of paperwork. And the princess of the Sun really dislikes paperwork.
Clearing her throat she continues her legally required inquiry.
“So, just to be on the safe side I have to ask you two something very important.”
Rouge and Bleu both hold up signs that read, “What?”
Celestia, the wise and beautiful princess of The Sun who may or may not have put herself on playing cards to troll prisoners for all eternity, voices the most important question required by law. “You two did make sure that this “Ted” was placed into prison cell 166, in chamber Beta, Tartarus level “protected and imprisoned for their own safety obliviously evil villains” subsection NoPie right?”
The twins glance at each other awkwardly, and via their twin telepathic communications they converse over whether or not they should lie and say they were paying attention when they put the prisoner in his cell. After all it ended with 66, the number before it is kind of vague. And the chamber ended in an A, though they can’t quite remember if it was Beta or Gamma or Alpha or anything really. Though they do know that the prison section they put him in had many sub classifications, including NoPie. So wherever the prisoner ended up he’s safe from that one.
By the end of the telepathic communication conversation, the twins have decided on what to say. So they both summon signs.
Rouge’s reads “Roger.”
Bleu’s reads, “Roger.”
Celestia blinks in minor annoyance, but overall is content with the answer from the twins. Normally she would double check what they are saying, but she has too much paperwork to deal with already. “Alright, thank you Rouge and Bleu. Your next prisoner is in a cell in the Crystal Empire dungeons. Tell Cadence I sympathize with her paperwork problem, and will be sending sympathy cake in an hour.”
The twins salute the princess of The Sun and march off into the hell portal to prepare to get their next prisoner. In a few days they will have completey forgotten that they actually left Ted in prison cell 666, chamber Omega-Alpha, extreme deity and above class security with all precautions and restrictions possible subsection intended for only the worst villains of all time. And that the cell right next to his houses Tirek the second. Because to the twins, such information isn’t that important. Besides they have another prisoner to grab before dinner. Mommy Devi-Pony is making waffles.
Meanwhile, Celestia leans back and grabs a cup of cold tea. Sipping it she muses in relief.
“Well, at least that’s over. That poor oblivious being has no idea he is far safer in Tartarus than he is up here.”
Putting the teacup back in its place, Celestia remembers why Tartarus is safer and a slight shudder followed by a cringe go through her body. Focusing on her paperwork, which she loathes with the passion of a thousand of her suns, she says to herself.
“I mean, he stole from Pinkie Pie. And ruined every Pinkie Pie opposite party in the kingdom. Whether he is insane, evil, or just stupid I would never wish for him to endure her wrath. That’s just cruel and unusual punishment.”
Marking off a few important informative bits of highly classified court documents, Celestia let’s loose a dark laugh. “Yes, that “Ted” is much better off in Tartarus than having to face whatever punishment Pinkie Pie could think up. I’m going to need to ask Luna to ward me from nightmares for a month after what I heard that normally happy laughing mare say she was going to do to him. I mean clowns? That’s just...disturbing.”
With that the Princess of The Sun returns to her ridiculous amount of paperwork. Which will eventually lead to copious amounts of tea ingested, no less than twenty cakes eaten, and multiple bathroom breaks before bedtime.
Meanwhile in Tartarus, Chamber Omega-Alpha, really evil villains only subsection.
“Do you have any Jokers?” Ted asks innocently.
Tirek groans due to knowing he has that stupid mug in his deck. Grabbing it and tossing it to Ted he growls, “Ok, you are definitely trolling me Ted.”
Ted puts on an expression of mock innocence.
“Me? No, I would not do that. It’s not like I know a few card tricks that guarantee I win or anything.”
Tirek stutters, then frowns, then grumbles, then finally pointing an accusatory finger at Ted he shouts, “Ah ha, you’re a card counter!”
Ted just stares in confusion for a minute before answering.
“No, I’m not counting cards. At least not now. Besides card counting is useless in two deck Go Fish.”
Tirek glares at his new obliviously evil buddy.
“So then, how exactly do you know what cards I have? You have called every Joker, Ace, Queen, King, and Jack I have had for ten rounds. That’s not normal!”
Ted laughs, rolling over on his side and smacking the floor of his cell. After a few minutes he calms down, wiping the mirthful tears from eyes before replying.
“Tirek you don’t get it.”
Tirek snorts, “Oh what don’t I get exactly?”
Ted points at the centaurs face. Then in a half jovial half serious manner he says,
“You my friend, have the worst poker face I have ever seen. You frown angrily when the Joker is in your hand. Your right eye twitches as your eyebrows raise at the Jack. You grind your teeth menacingly towards the Ace. You snort three and a half times at the King. And your eyes cross while your left ear flattens when you see the Queen. Worst. Poker face. Ever.”
Tirek pouts and replies with a snort. “I do not have the worst poker face ever.”
From below the screeching cackle if Hydia can be heard.
“Oh stuff it you egomaniac tacky toned evil centaur. You lost to Glorbmuck in connect four. And he’s a genuinely vile idiot.”
Tirek shouts back, “Well he cheated!”
Glorbmuck’s voice echoes up, “Um Hydia, what does cheat mean?”
Hydia replies in her totally not evil flirting voice, “It is what smart evil villains do to win at connect four.”
The rather simple ogre replies in an astonished voice, “Ohh, so it’s a Glorbmuck no can do thing?”
The witch groans, “Yes you moronic pile of fermented onions of an ogre, it’s a thing you can’t do.”
Returning her attention to Tirek, Hydia screeches, “See you mangy magic stealing centaur, you have such a bad poker face you lost to Glorbmuck without him cheating. Because he’s too simple to cheat. That’s what I like about him.”
An awkward silence fills the prison chamber as everyone realizes that the witch like likes Glorbmuck and unfortunately their minds make a graphic visual mental representation of that. To put it bluntly, it’s not pretty and very gross, even to villains.
Thankfully the silence is broken by the ever oblivious villain, Ted Meyers, who is immune to such thoughts by virtue of something related to him probably being batshit insane.
“So Tirek, want to play another round? I’ll give you pointers on how to improve your poker face.”
The evil almost world destroying centaur grins, a fire glimmering in his eyes.
“Oh you are so on. Winner gets the losers tacos.”
“Deal.” Ted says with a smile before calling the first card.
“So, got any Jokers?”
“Oh for the love of Tartarus!”
And so the centaur throws another Joker to Ted and the game begins anew.
Author's Note
Yes, Rouge and Bleu are a bad Red Oni Blue Oni reference.
Yes, Ted is in Tartarus to protect him from Pinkie Pie.
No, you don’t want to know what Pinkie wanted to do to Ted involving clowns, it’s too unspeakably disturbing to describe.
Maybe, there might be more stories in this series. The series working title is “Tartarus: Ted and Tirek’s hell prison adventures.
Yes, this is the last chapter of this story.
No you can’t have Devi-pony waffles!
Glen Gorewood
