Despair.
It was the only thing I felt as I looked at my surroundings.
The burglars had never been so violent and cruel, yet this time they actually put a lot of effort into their attack. We had to deal with ambushes on a daily basis, but they were usually easy to defeat. However, some scars on our bodies may say otherwise.
The farm was terribly difficult to defend, having no natural protection from being out in the middle of the plains. That's why the farm's owner, Mistress Applejack, had to employ some of the most expensive, but strong and powerful mercenaries. To my surprise, one of them was her brother.
Amongst the large group, I was the only female besides Applejack. Also, I was the only pegasus. The farmers never cared for a winged pony's wounds before. Therefore, any time my appendages were damaged, I had to find a way to treat and heal them myself. Luckily, having lived in the dirty and dangerous streets of Ponyville since I was six, I’d gotten used to finding interesting ways to bandage my wounds. In fact, some of the stallions said I’m like a second-hand nurse went it came to how experienced I was with this skill.
I’ve faced situations where a normal pony wouldn't survive. I’ve seen enough blood, hate and violence for more than one lifetime. In fact, due to my rough upbringing, not even the worst injuries upset or scared me. Since I have this sort of tolerance while in the presence of gruesome wounds, I practically became the farm's medic, or corpsmare, as they sometimes called me.
Even if I don’t like to admit it, the bare sight or feeling of a fresh cut sometimes made me sick every now-and then. Usually, it deprived me of any sort of physical strength. However, I kept on fighting through it anyway, sometimes by taking off and attacking from above during a battle.
At the same time, I kept an eye on my "employer.” If she was harmed and I didn't protect her, I'd be dead as soon as she could stand on her hooves. In her opinion, since I had wings and all, I was faster, swifter, and, in her words, had the gift of omnipresence. Of course, it was terribly hard to concentrate on both my owner and the rogues trying to kill me, but I was convinced I could cope with my two targets.
Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Applejack prancing as she shrieked from pain. Turning quickly, I saw the winged criminal still holding a studded mallet in his mouth. He wore a cheeky grin, proud at the sight of AJ lying before him. I don't really know what happened then - the only thing I remember is his raspy voice yelling at me as I beat him to death. I then reached for my mistress, somehow managing to load her up on my back and aching wings. I trotted and stumbled to the back of the huge barn, where I was sure nopony was.
Unfortunately, my retreat was noticed by one of the criminals. As I was running away, somepony threw a sharp blade towards me. Since the heavy weight on my shoulders impeded me from dodging the weapon, it stabbed the back of my left rear leg. My wings opened at the sudden, dreadful pain. I couldn't hold back by my tears from the pain as I almost collapsed. Gasping for air, I limped slowly around the barn before I fell on the ground. I slid Applejack off my back and laid her right beside me.
With the blade still agonizing my leg, I sat up and gasped from the sudden, sharp pain. As I sat there and whimpered, I ruefully glanced at my injury and grimaced at the sight. I realized how dire the situation was: dirt had already soiled the flesh. I was sure the wound wasn't going to heal soon, even if it didn't get infected. The leg itself was covered in blood from the knee down and a few drops even dampened my hoof. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry at the thought of washing it all off sooner or later.
Shifting my eyes to the apparently dead pony beside me, I remembered that she was in a pretty bad state too. A deep slash on her neck had stained her shoulder and chest with vivid red blood. An ample bruise, black and claret, went from her stomach down to her thorax.
As I observed her severely wounded body, I noticed a blood drop fall onto the orange pony's blonde mane. Without even realizing it, I brought a hoof to my cheek. I discovered that not even my face had been spared.
Cursing under my breath, I suddenly was aware of the piercing pain in my sides. I glanced at my wings and found it extremely difficult to move them. When I saw the tiny red beads on my feathers, I then understood why. Shifting my gaze, I also noticed most of my rainbow primaries were ruined and ripped, covered in dust and filth. Man, what a nice couple of hours awaits me. I'm gonna have so much fun cleaning and medicating my ravaged body.
Cringing my body before looking back at my owner, I untied her the dark-green kerchief, symbol of the farm and compulsory accessory for us "Apple" mercenaries, and pressed it on the bleeding wound around her neck. However, the distant, metallic sound of clashing spears and cracking lances reminded me that their was no safe place to pitch a first aid tent.
My ears perked up as the sound of heavy hoofsteps got closer and closer. I stared at the corner of the barn, ready to finish off whoever it was. However, a familiar dark red muzzle appeared and smiled wearily at me. His eyes were dull and his face was full of scars.
"Ah got 'em, ya take care of 'er." Big Mac, Applejack’s brother, lowered his ears and fought back a tear as he looked at his tortured sister. However, since the fight was still raging on, he turned and galloped back to the battle camp.
I stood up at once, willing to do as he'd said. I had to savor a bit of arrogance as I acknowledged my task. I was always left aside when it came to Applejack. She often was coarse and violent herself whenever she had to talk to me, so her kinder brother preferred keeping us apart. Well, mainly because I was not one to submit so easily and, any time she spat at me, I was so bold to fight and bite back. The result was always no food for the following two or three days, but at least I was sure my pride was untouched.
I honestly don't know why she hated me so much. It's not like I had ever done her any harm. In fact, I always tried to obey, respect, and do whatever she selfishly asked. The bad treatment I punctually received, however, made it seem I had purposely ignored her orders.
Though, even being the mercenary I was known as, I had sworn to myself to never, ever abandoned her. My previous masters raised an eyebrow in skepticism when they heard around town that I was still "with that country lout", but I had my reasons.
It actually wasn't a matter of money. She paid all of her workers little to nothing and provided room and board for free. I can't remember the last time I’d slept on a surface softer and smoother than a dirty ground or a wooden, and equally dirty, floor. In fact, it was for a much more important reason, at least to me: I owed her my life.
It all started on a hot, vile night. I’d been roaming the streets of Ponyville for a few hours, pondering on what to do with my miserable life. Walking slowly with my head hanging low, I remembered the death of my father years earlier as my mind painted a fake portrait of my mother. The only pieces of affection I ever had were no longer with me. The mare who'd given her life to let mine blossom wasn't even a blurry shadow in my troubled, worried mind.
At that time, there was nothing worth living for. I wanted to take my life a certain point, but I couldn't even find the courage to do so. I was a coward, wandering the empty, dark streets.
I had little to no money since most of it was stolen from the town's orphanage, where I'd lived for a few weeks before running away. All I could afford was a few apples or carrots at the market. While I was there, I always received both accusatory and sympathetic glances from the town ponies. However, nopony ever did anything to help me out. It's not like anypony cared about me at all, anyway.
One night, Ponyville was particularly silent underneath a starry sky. I can't clearly recall how, but I knew I gotten into a fight against a small group of young stallions who'd been following me for quite a while. I'd lost my temper when one of them had asked me with a slimy grin how much I charged. Blinded by rage, I bucked both of them on the muzzle. Turns out, it was a terrible move.
The following series of kicks, punches, and strikes had numbed me to the point I couldn't see anything but their aggressive, angry faces. Once they grew tired, they walked away laughing with pride over their dominance. Meanwhile, I had passed out, thinking they had put an end to my miserable life.
Fortunately, I was rescued by the same pony who'd do anything to liquidate me now, and taken under her care. I always thought she was few years older than me, but that changed once I told her about my life. Turns out, we were about the same age.
I remember seeing a tear escape her eyes. Pity had never been my fondness, but I admit it actually made me feel a bit better. For the first time in a long while, it seemed like somepony actually cared for me.
After she'd bandaged up my wounds and treated me to a nice, warm supper, we spent the night together. We shared the same bed, allowing our bodies to be pressed against each other Even when she thought I was sleeping, I took the liberty of lightly stroking her her head as it gently rested on my chest.
I don't know what happened then; She started to seemingly hate me. Applejack, this once kind farm pony, now held this grudge against me. AJ held it so close to her that she never showed any sign of affection, not even when we were alone. It truly left me shattered, but after some time I had simply gotten used to it. I then became the apparently ice-cold, heartless fighter anypony believed I was. It's not like there was any use for showing true emotions or caring for others anyway.
A sudden, and sharp, sting in my lower stomach forced me out of my thoughts. I glanced once again at the seemingly lifeless figure lying beside me. Growling, I attempted to stand up, but failed miserably as my left leg couldn't bear the weight it should have sustained. I fell on my knees with a grunt. Stomping a forehoof into the ground, I didn't want to just give up then and there. Ignoring the pain in my legs, I wobbled and slowly got up on all fours.
I resisted the urge to kick at the orange pony and instead opted to simply curse at her, thinking back of all times I'd had to tolerate her fussy cockiness. Also, Applejack purposely punished me for no reason and called me by every single derogatory slang word she could come up with. I glared at her evilly, but found a bit of satisfaction when I remembered that, for once, I had the control of the situation.
I was already planning on how to insult her when she couldn't hear, but another cry from one of the battlers woke me up from my vicious thoughts.
Huffing, I loaded Applejack on my back for a second time and proceed to climb up the stairs that led to the barn's attic. Only hay bales could be found up there, thus nothing interesting could draw the attention of the rogues below. After a painfully long minute of struggling up those stairs, I finally reached what would become my, or our, ward for the following hours.
The idea of spending so much time with her made me feel disgusted and happy at the same time. She'd mistreated me for far too long, drove me to the point where I had never cared for myself after that first night, but... But, on the other hoof, I was certain that part of her was still there. I knew Applejack had something for me, though I couldn't tell if it was more about pity or a glimpse at friendship. After all, I heard her telling her brother that she didn’t save me just for the sake of having one more mercenary on the farm.
I often wondered if she'd ever felt anything besides hatred or bitterness. To which, my thoughts had been confirmed once or twice. I had seen her with her sister, Apple Bloom, the day the filly had come back from Appleloosa. Applejack let her travel there in order to stay with their uncle. Rumor has it that it's a safer and somewhat freer land.
The younger sister came to Sweet Apple Acres only once or twice a year, usually without warning. This gave her siblings an even bigger and joyful surprise. She was very little, definitely slimmer and lighter than her sister. In contrast to Applejack, the filly seemed to radiate such a soothing tranquility that left me astonished the first time I'd been close to her.
Unfortunately, it didn’t last long. Jacqueline kicked me out of the room moments later, but I remember seeing out of the corner of my eye a sad glance coming from the yellow filly. Why is she so upset? I asked myself.
I shook my head, snapping out of my own thoughts once more. Sighing, I walked over to the large window and looked outside just to then turn my head away in anger. My gaze fell on where I dropped the farm mare, still bleeding and static. My nostrils flaring, I reluctantly walked towards her and checked her pulse. I had to prepare myself for what I had to do for the next few hours.
I hadn't even put my ear on her chest before my head shot right back up.That a hoarse and low sound alerted me to somepony else that might be in the room. My eyes widened, adapting to the darkness of the barn. I didn't move of an inch for the next few minutes until I was sure we were alone, but even then I feared I might be wrong.
I was about to lower my head again before I saw my owner's chest hack. It was followed by a raspy cough. More scared than before, I stood up at once and backed away a few steps, just to be sure that the mare wouldn't scold me when she woke up.
Luckily, she didn't. I could hear her croaky and exhausted breath. For endless minutes, she simply lay there, motionless. I felt as if she'd planned it all as a cruel joke, wanting to jump up and frighten me at any moment.
Suddenly, she lifted her head a little and opened her eyes, making a great effort to try and focus on the various lights, shadows, and colors of her surroundings. I watched her, waiting for her to notice me. When she didn't turn her head towards me, I considered announcing my presence, but then decided against it for I knew it would have been a bad idea in any case.
She blinked a few times, squinted some more, and finally looked around. When she saw me, her weary eyes sparkled all of a sudden. Then as soon as she blinked her eyes, those sparkles were soon replaced by a dull, and mostly faked, annoyance. It seemed as if I was the last pony she wanted to see after waking up despite her eyes saying something else.
"W-What happened?" Applejack tried to sit up, but gasped when she felt the pain from her slash and bruises. She glanced at her stomach and shoulder, ruefully furrowing her brows at the sight of so much blood and exposed flesh.
I simply stared at her, deadpanned. I pondered whether to be bold as usual or more tender and caring. What if she changes when she sees more my gentle and mild behavior?
"I’d thought I'd asked ya to take care of those burglars, feather butt," AJ grumbled.
"Well excuse me if I got crippled to rescue you." I raised an eyebrow, but tried to keep calm and avoid being too ironical. However, seeing her mocking expression and lips curved into a sly grin, it was hard to hold back my raging desire for vengeance. "From what I could see, one of those criminals stabbed you and, well, you lost consciousness. I..." Her raising eyebrows and sincere surprise caught my attention. "I-I thought carrying you here would be the best thing to do, mistress."
She was likely fighting as hard as I was to say something wryly, but I then noticed a soft change in her tone as she spoke rather calmly and quietly. She lowered her eyes, almost embarrassed, and murmured a low, "Thank you." I stared at her in disbelief. Did she really just say something nice to me? I then inspected her carefully, but I couldn't find any sign that she was lying.
Applejack spat out a little bit of blood as she coughed hard, probably feeling as much pain as I was experiencing because of my leg, if not more. "Come 'ere." Curious, I took a few steps forward before I stopped. I was still insecure with myself. Thoughts raced through my mind as I tried to find a reasonable motive towards why she wanted me to help her.
Silence reigned for a long time as neither of us found the courage to say anything. Finally, after a long sigh, Applejack patted the floor beside her. She then spoke to me, somehow igniting my heart with a flame I didn't know was asleep underneath the ashes. "Why are you still with me?"
I laid down next to her, my chest barely touching the wooden boards as I rested my injured wing on the floor. I then resolutely searched for her eyes, however their glowing emeralds seemed to flee away any time I was close to catching them. I couldn't help but feel as if I somehow had the lead on the real situation.
"So you've heard around town." I thought to myself for a moment, but then answered my own question. "Of course, my previous owners must be green with envy since I've never spent more than a year with them." Annoyed, I rolled my eyes and flicked my tail nervously as the memories of the past peeked out in my mind.
"Y-Yes, I've heard somethin'." Her insecurity caught my attention. It was the first time I'd seen her so seemingly helpless and harmless at the same time. She coughed again. "Ya didn't answer my question, though." I would have really loved to inquire on why she wanted to know about it, mainly because I was sure she knew the reason why I had decided to stay. However, I ignored the thought and spoke calmly.
"Well, you saved my life, mistress. That's enough for me."
"A-Applejack."
My ears perked up in curiosity.
"Call me just Applejack," she said, soft in her tone of voice.
I tilted my head to the side and looked away, foreign at the sudden friendly familiarity she was reserving me. AJ then lowered her head and rested it on her forelegs. I could bet she was thinking about the same thing as I. The place where we were was the most obvious reminder of the situation three years earlier. An uneasy atmosphere fell on us as we both struggled with our recollections.
I closed my eyes as, to my minimal surprise, the scene played right before me in a vague and dull mist. Unfortunately, it disappeared as soon as my eyes lifted from the floor. Suddenly, a flow of words I didn't know was hiding just beneath the surface escaped my mouth.
"It's not like my life was much different. Same job, same dangers, same wounds and same clients." I took a long breath and frowned. Here we go. "After the death of my father - I've never met my mother... I had no place to live and no support at all. Playing the part of the apple thief was fun at first, but when your ear gets cut because of a knife sent flying by the angry stand runner, well, you understand jokes have to be finished.
“So, I began looking for a job. I was still very young and that's why, despite my speed and strength, no weather patrol employed me. The orphanage took me in complete pity, but I ran away after a couple of weeks. That was not the life I wanted to live, I always thought. Little did I know, that would have been a five star life had I accepted it.
“What was awaiting me was much worse: The first ponies who took me under their wing and defined me a mercenary hated me since the second day I spent with them. I wasn't used to obeying to anypony at all, so of course my reactions were always... well, let's just say, not really professional. Every time I managed to escape, I knew I would be able to find a better place. Ironically enough, each owner I was at the service of was even worse than the previous.
“My situation built to a sad climax when I started living with this rich pegasus who'd taken me because, he said, he felt sorry for me. But those were all excuses. I knew what he wanted, but he never got it. He used to call me into his chamber almost every evening, then get closer and closer to me until I bucked him in the face and flew back to my designed guard post.
“And since he realized I wasn't as accommodating and compliant as the rest of his harem, well, he punished me. He left me with no food for days upon days until I almost starved. He made me work in the sun that was hot enough to fry eggs, from dawn to dusk.
“It... It was terrible!” I shouted. “ I thought I'd die in those fields, Applejack. I even reached the point I'd hope to die there."
Strong feelings suddenly prevailed on my calm appearance as I sobbed and squeezed my eyes shut. My own past started to get the better end of the present and force me into looking back at it. It felt like old wounds were opening again, more anguishing and painful than ever.
"B-But then you came,” I sobbed. “When I thought I had lost it all, when I thought all the hurt, and my life with it, was going to end once and for all, you saved me." I glanced up at her, offering an unsure smile as she stared at me with a quiver on her lip. I knew for certain AJ had to have felt sorry for me since I could see a tear developing in her eye.
"You took care of my wounds, both in flesh and soul, and you protected me. So..." I adjusted the wings at my sides in clear nervousness, but then remembered they were still to be medicated. I winced a little, but kept my eyes in contact with hers. "...I guess it's pretty obvious why I'm still here, isn't it?"
Applejack lowered her gaze and looked away as if she was feeling guilty, and I could easily see she was battling a fierce, internal fight. What I'd told her shouldn't have been a complete shock to her since she'd already heard a part of my tear-jerking backstory the first night we had met. Then... what's troubling her?
It was so strange to see her like that, lying beside me as my equal. In my eyes, she was no longer that cold, heartless owner anymore. In those moments, it felt like we didn't have to worry about what was happening in the outside world. We believed only the two of us existed, living in a deformed, blurred déjà-vu.
A part of me hoped to recognize the same feelings of sympathy and affection she had revealed to me that night, but I wasn't certain if she was going to, or wanted to, do so. I could sense her tense state of mind. Her agitated thoughts seemed to race and run as wildly as mine was. I nuzzled her cheek gently, savoring her soft scent.
"You rescued a filly who'd seen nothing but violence and thievery in her short, but already shameful life. You took her under your protection… You gave her hope and granted her a second chance. You…” I hesitated, “You trusted her. And I can assure you that filly will be forever grateful for what you've done."
The farm pony subtly shuddered and pulled her head away, averting my gaze. "Applejack, I don't know what could have happened if you hadn't saved me. I swore to myself I'd protect you to death, and now you're asking me to abandon you?" That mild atmosphere settled on us as I shifted closer to her. My natural instincts lead me to drape a wing over her shoulders, despite the pain of doing so. I winced before leaning beside her. "I have never left you, and I never will."
Applejack bit her lip and fought back a tear as she lowered her head towards the ground. She then said with a muffled, sorrow filled tone, "T-That's why ya have to go away. I'm just a life-saver to you. M-M-Meanwhile, I-I'm just a good pony who's hiding behind a mask that appears bad and powerful to the rest of ‘er workers." Cringing, she folded her ears onto her nape and furrowed her brows. She just stared at the floor, completely uneased.
“But, to me, y’re much more than an agile fighter. You're more than a filly who looked pitiful and helpless when I rescued her. You mean so much to me…” Her tranquil breath touched my muzzle as she stroked her head underneath my chin, smiling to herself.
Her demeanor suddenly changed, however, as she closed her eyes and recoiled a bit. “This… This is too dangerous. Y-You have to leave me.” Her voice was now barely above a whisper. Applejack shook her head a little before lifting her gaze and looking at me straight in the eyes.
Her words entered my mind lazily and softly as my thoughts abruptly came to a halt. I raised my head and noticed how close we already were as I applied more pressure onto her body. My wing and a few feathers reached her neck, making AJ shiver slightly once more. This time, she offered me nothing but a somber glance as she lowered her ears.
I was trying to understand that melancholy shade in her eyes when her mild and warm breath caressed me again, reminding me of how intimate the moment we were sharing was.
All of a sudden, realization towards what’s going on slowly and painfully hit me. Meanwhile, I blindly and thoughtlessly drew my muzzle closer and closer to hers until we were only mere inches apart.
She… She loves me.
Her lips finally met mine as I put a hoof on her chest and relished the sweet sensation of her love. Our breathing synchronized and I closed my eyes to savor every instant of our kiss, getting lost in her gentle touch. I wished those seconds would last forever.
However, one of my many injuries suddenly awoke. It caused a sharp pain to spread throughout my entire body. To my displeasure, it forced me out of the strong and mellow feeling I was experiencing for the first time in my troubled life.
Despite my great attempt at hiding it, Applejack noticed me flinch and pulled away at once. She was worried. A look of horror was imprinted on her face as she sat up. The sound of her labored breath resounded around the room. I folded my wings and looked at her, hurt and confused, as she managed to stutter out a few words.
“This… T-This should’ve never happened… Oh, if somepony finds out… what if she finds out? W-What if…” Her head jolted up as a tear ran down her cheek. She then turned to me, wide eyed and scared. Her chest was heaving, legs were shaking, and her eyes were scanning every direction possible. When she mumbled in a low voice, it was something I couldn’t hear. After a long pause, I decided to speak.
“I’ve heard you talking to your brother about Princess Twilight’s threats-“
“D-Don’t pronounce her name! Oh, Celestia… Ah’ve gotten me, my brother, and even you into trouble… What am I gonna do now?” The farm mare looked more terrified and frightened than I had ever seen her, and her fear soon infected me.
I knew what she was referring to – I had once eavesdropped on her and her brother. I had heard about them discussing Applejack’s visit to the princess the day before. They were both rather stressed and worried. I believed the alicorn had threatened death to Applejack if she didn’t consign me to her guards.
Of course, my owner furiously opposed and tried to raise her voice at first, but a knife grazing her neck. She’d whispered something to her brother, which had made her fall silent. Other than the part Applejack explained, I never understood the reason why Princess Twilight wanted me. All I had heard was it had to do with something about my father being the first and only pegasus who’d ever performed a Sonic Rainboom.
So, I supposed the purple ruler was thinking of making me, his daughter, accomplish a second one. The tyrant had always been eager for more and more magic and, I guess, the rare flight trick was extremely powerful in such terms.
“R-Rainbow… This is all my fault, and now y’re in danger because of me. Oh! I should’ve never mentioned your name to her; She would’ve never discovered this place otherwise… And we would’ve kept on living as we used to. I would’ve just hidden all of this from ya’ and you would’ve just decided to leave sooner or later.”
“I’m never going to leave you!” I firmly stated. “I’ve told you this once and I’ll tell it a thousand more times if you need to hear it, but you must believe me when I say it.” I nuzzled her gently and stroked my forehead on hers before whispering to her ear. “And no matter what, I’ll keep to my promise. I love you, and I won’t let anything in this world keep us apart.”
Smiling slightly, I kissed her once again. I felt her body slowly relax and melt into the loving gesture. I pressed my lips further as if to prove my pure intentions. The flame in my heart burned more and more fiercely with each passing instant. My ears lowered and my instincts drew out my wings and wrapped around her. I enclosed her and caressed her neck as she kissed back with equal and burning passion.
The fight that raged outside had long been settled with the mercs winning their farm while driving the bandits back. Now, the night had ushered itself in and fell over the paths and fields surrounding the barn. The brisk air blew against us, making Applejack and I feel as if we were reborn into each other’s warm embrace. The silent and dark atmosphere seemed to drape over us like a black blanket underneath the starry and cloudless sky.
In those moments, I didn’t care about anything else but keeping Applejack safe and loved by my side. Only her sweet scent and touch dwelled my mind as her humble beauty enchanted me. For the first time, I believed life was finally giving me respite and offering me its most precious gift, love – and I was determined to treasure such inestimable feeling forever.
