Author's Note
Okay listen, I've written some sketchy stuff before, but this wasn't my idea. And yeah, I know I have sequels and stories I should complete. But Anzel caught me in the shower, so I had to do this.
Wait, that came out wrong.
They All Float
Of all the unpredictable, uncanny, bizarre, twisted and downright strange things to happen in the land of chaos, getting a knock on the door might seem humdrum to most. However, when you're Discord, master of chaos and draconequus extraordinaire, a knock raises multiple questions. Poking his head out of a good book, which in this case literally meant his head popped out of the pages of a book he'd simply been immersed in, Discord scratched his chin. The mail pony wasn't due to orbit back around until spring. Perhaps he'd collided with something that sent him back early?
Deciding there really was only one way to find out, Discord snapped his claws.
Just as his would-be guest raised a hoof to the knocker to try again, Discord's face replaced the brass fixture. "If my eyes do not deceive, there is a princess on my doorstep."
"They do not," Celestia said, smiling warmly.
"What does knot?" Discord asked, eyes elongating.
Celestia rolled her eyes. "Your eyes."
"Why would they knot? That's what I have claws for. And they are much better suited to the task of knotting than those ridiculous hooves you ponyfolk insist upon." Discord's elongated eyes began twisting on themselves, knotting in spite of his protestations.
"Your eyes can knot, they are doing so now," Celestia remarked with a chuckle.
Eyes returning to normal, Discord's face disappeared in a flash of light and he stood before her, full size. Albeit, he was decked out in ancient Egyponian garb."They cannot deceive but are doing so now? Speak in any more riddles and you could be a Sphinx."
Celestia giggles politely behind a hoof. "I'm here because I have an itch I need you to help me scratch."
Dropping the sphinx outfit, Discord held up a rather sinister looking glove with blades extending from each digit. "Well, that hardly seems worth a visit. You probably could have asked one of your palace servants to scratch for you. But, if you insist..." Slipping his talons into the glove, Discord wiggled the blades experimentally.
Preemptively, Celestia teleported back about five feet. "Figure of speech. And before you can warp that turn of phrase into another joke, let me get to why I'm here."
Halfway through a transformation involving a Vitruvian Man pose and characters from a few different alphabets, Discord slouched. "Oh you're no fun."
"See if you say that after I ask you for this favor." Celestia's eyes twinkled in mirth.
"Well, come inside and let's hear your little favor." Discord snapped again and they were inside, seated upside down at a table on the ceiling.
Taking a breath, Celestia let it all out. "Discord, I want you to help me get to another dimension. Not the one that Twilight's visited. Another human dimension. And I want to be a floatie. Preferably as close to myself as possible."
"You want me to what?" Discord asked, eyes wide and jaw slack.
"You heard me," Celestia said, eyebrows wiggling just a bit in suggestion.
Discord's eyes narrowed. "This better not be some creepy fetish thing. I think I've heard a few tales about inflation and let me just say to you that even I have standards on weirdness."
"To think that between us you'd be the prude?" Celestia sighed and inpected one hoof minutely. "I've had a millennia to explore fetishes that would make your horns pop off."
Folding his arms, Discord leaned back. "So that's what this is? You've gotten off every way you can in this dimension so you have to go sully another one? Why should I unleash your plastic perversion on an unsuspecting populace?"
Shaking her head, Celestia relented. "That's not what this is. I just have a curiosity regarding human tails," Celestia admitted
"Humans don't have tails. Well, not usually. In some dimensions, under some circumstances...anyway we're getting off topic." Discord waved his paw. "Can't you do this under your own power?"
"We both know you're better at it," Celestia said with a shrug. "You've traveled more, so you'd know where to go."
Discord nodded. "I'll admit, I do know the perfect spot. But it's a dimension I'm rather fond of, so I'm not so sure I should help, whatever form you want to take."
Celestia rolled her eyes. "Didn't we cover this, I just want to know what's so special about human tail? Twilight says she's mystified by it as well, but apparently it's a common phrase there. 'Getting tail,' 'a fine piece of tail,' I just don't understand the context."
The look on Discord's face was enough to tell her he wasn't convinced. "And how does being a floatie help?"
"Well, I don't want to be a human and make a fool of myself, but according to what Twilight has heard, the best tail can be found in the summer at the beach," Celestia explained.
"I don't know. This all sounds a bit...off." Discord turned green.
Celestia stood, mane blowing in the non-existent breeze. She raised a hoof into the air, as if she were taking an oath. "I swear that it's not some creepy fetish about inflation."
Tapping his claws on the table, Discord sighed. "That's probably the best I'm getting out of you. Don't think I didn't notice how specific that denial was. Lucky for you, I've decided I don't care."
Arching backwards to pop his spine, flexing his claws outwards, resulting in more popping, Discord stood as well. "A few ground rules. Although you will still be able to talk and use magic, only do so if you find yourself in trouble. Not that I care about the balance between dimensions, but disrupting that balance more than we are already doing tends to get messy and I don't feel like dealing with that."
Celestia nodded gracefully. Discord continued. "Secondly, if you pop, you're done. And yes, that will hurt, so this is as much for your comfort as it is to be practical. You won't be seriously injured, even if you get shredded, but it won't be pleasant."
"Anything else?" Celestia asked, trying not to lose her nerve now.
Eying her carefully, Discord put his digits together and smiled. "Have fun." With that, he snapped again.
There was darkness all around her. Her first thought was that Discord was up to some treachery again, but then she heard a voice. "Hey Ryan, grab that new box of floats."
After some jostling and a short drop, Celestia heard the voice again. "Hey, don't use a box cutter on a box of floats, man. Use your brain. Don't wanna put holes in them before we even get em out!" Celestia couldn't help but agree, she didn't want this over before it even started.
A few more rustling noises and then she saw sunlight. "Hey boss, who's gonna wanna unicorn?" Ryan was a lightly-tanned guy with short black hair. He picked Celestia up and inspected the packaging she was in.
The boss scoffed, although Celestia still couldn't see him. "Are you kidding? Girls, duh! And I guess a few of those homos and those guys that watch that little pony show. What was the name for 'em?"
"You already said homos." Ryan replied.
The boss laughed. "Yeah, whatever, blow it up and we'll have someone who wants it in no time."
Getting inflated was an oddly satisfying experience. She came out of the packaging mostly flat and folded up. Ryan took his time finding the nub that allowed air in, but once his fingers brushed against it, Celestia definitely felt it. That was a surprise, especially given Discord's protestations.
He drew out the inflator and popped the top open. His stubble brushed against her plastic skin in a way that felt intimate and yet indecent. His lips on her valve had her questioning Discord's verbal arguments. Perhaps the master of chaos did protest too much?
He drew in though his nose and blew out through his mouth. The air that filled her insides felt warm and humid. As this air filled her up, Celestia was glad she couldn't blush. The first breath was followed quickly by another and more and more air flowed into her. Finally, after much cursing and a few smoke-breaks, Ryan had her nearly filled.
"Cheapskate old bastard needs to buy a pump." Ryan said as he blew another breath into Celestia. Then he kept blowing. Celestia suddenly felt a little too good. Her plastic skin was stretched taut, but he blew in again. Just as she was about to tell him off and blow her cover, Ryan pinched her valve and hurried to close it. In the struggle, Celestia lost a bit of air, but just enough to be comfortable again.
She was somewhat surprised to discover that she was much bigger than she expected. Given that she'd not talked specifics with Discord, she'd half-expected to be child-sized. Ryan lugged her to the front of the shop, really more of a semi-permanent stall on the beach front.
Humans of all sizes, shapes, and only a few different colors walked about in all sorts of outfits. From what Twilight had reported on human fashion, she could tell most were in swimwear. Bikinis, board shorts, even a few speedos, Celestia saw all sorts of skin. Still no tails.
"That one." A young woman said, pointing at Celestia. She'd been too busy looking out to realize the woman was in the store! Celestia looked at her would-be owner from the corner of her eye. She was blonde, slim, with a generous bosom that filled her bikini top nicely. Her bottom half was covered in a makeshift skirt tied at her hip.
"Alright." Ryan brought Celestia to the counter and continued the transaction. Celestia was too excited to pay attention. She couldn't wait to hit the beach.
Her new owner brought her out and the sun and the wind felt perfect. Just a few minutes later and they were on the beach, passing by humans under umbrellas, stretching out on beach towels.
"Hey babe, you look like a nice piece of tail." Celestia heard the sound of skin on skin. Her owner whirled around and Celestia heard the sound again. This time, she knew it was a slap across the face of some jerk on the beach. That was it! A nice piece of tail was just a euphemism for a good-looking woman! Celestia felt a mix of disappointment at this revelation and anger at the attitude this jerk was pulling.
"Hands off, bastard!" Her owner spat back. The jerk actually had the nerve to look offended, but before Celestia intervened, another voice rang out.
"Dude, that's so wrong. Leave her alone." A group of four other girls and a guy all stood up from their stretch of the beach a few feet away. "That's our friend."
"Whatever. Bitch can't take a compliment." The jerk said as he walked away.
"You okay, Shelly?" One of the girls asked her owner.
"I'm fine. Fuck that guy." Shelly walked over to her friend's area and set down Celestia and her bag. "Who slaps a stranger's ass in broad daylight in public?"
The lone guy in the group shrugged. "A guy who hasn't gotten any tail ever. Plus I think he was drinking. But still, fuck that guy."
Celestia's understanding grew. Tail was also a euphemism for sex. Well, now her curiosity was satisfied, somewhat. It still didn't explain what was so great about it in the first place. Celestia had definitely had sex, even great sex, but what was so great about the human anatomy?
Shelly took off her skirt and laid it out on the sand. She pinned down one corner with her bag and another corner with her shoes. "Well, just cuz I have a great tail doesn't mean he has the right to touch it. Did he leave a mark?" She bent over to have her friends examine her rear. Celestia got quite a good look herself, being just at the right height and head at the right angle.
"Nah, you look fine. Your wrap must've cushioned it."
"I wish my ass looked as nice," The guy friend said, to everyone's amusement.
"Well let's all get our asses in that water. Looks good today!" Shelly picked Celestia up and headed for the surf.
Celestia soon became acquainted with Shelly's ass. First, Shelly dipped her whole body into the water. When she'd done that, she pulled herself astride Celestia, her legs on either side of Celestia's neck. The sensation was like holding Shelly in Celestia's forelegs. And the softness of Shelly's ass was as remarkable as Celestia could imagine. Equine rears were usually firm, but this one was delectably cushioned.
Shelly adjusted to a few positions as her friends cavorted around in the shallows. Finally, Shelly announced she'd had enough sun, but offered Celestia to another friend. This friend's ass was less of a bubble and more apple shaped. It was soft, yet somewhat more firm than Shelly's. Eventually, that friend tired too and suddenly it was the guy friend straddling Celestia's plastic neck. His ass was much less cushioned, almost non-existent. And occasionally, something between his legs would rub against the back of her neck. He'd been one of the few in a skimpy speedo, so Celestia knew what that was.
At least one of Shelly's friends held on to the handles on Celestia's neck as she was in front of it. Celestia's muzzle ended up in between the woman's breasts. As the waves bounced the trio around, Celestia felt more and more warm. She couldn't help herself, she nuzzled into the woman's chest a few times, covered by the rocking of the waves.
There were definitely benefits to human, and especially human female, anatomy.
Just as Celestia was getting enough stimulation that she felt about to burst, she did. A tear formed at one of the handles and all of Ryan's sweet air started to pour out. With a distant snap, she was back at Discord's house.
His judging stare was more than enough.
