Rarity Turns Into A Goat

by WeirdBeard

Rating: everyone
Tags: Sweetie Belle, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Random
Length: 2701

Your body is not ready.

Published 2012-08-02 04:54:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-08-02 04:54:01 UTC

Bleeaaaaahhhhtt!!!

Rarity Turns Into A Goat
by WeirdBeard
Assisted by his stalwart partner-in-crime, Gurumane!
Bagels get very soggy in the ocean. Shoo bee doo, shoo shoo bee doo.

"See! I told you!" Sweetie Belle shouted loudly. She angrily frowned at her sister's friends while they remained speechless. "But noooooooooo! Nopony ever listens to me, I might as well talk to Tom!"

Twilight and Pinkie Pie stood motionless and trapped in shocked disbelief. When Sweetie Belle had burst into the library, hollering about this transformation, it seemed to be a joke. However, as they now beheld the scene before them in Carousel Boutique, it was harder to comprehend. For Twilight: she thought about the logic and magic that could have caused such a change. You would think that Pinkie was pondering about what kind of party to throw in this sort of situation.

Psych, she's thinking about you thinking about her thinking about the party that you thought that she was thinking of. You silly goose.

Thankfully the shop was closed for the day, the room close to empty except for themselves. Sweetie Belle stomped her hooves. "You're about as useful as my parents! All they said was, "Oh, that's nice. Have a good weekend, Pookie!" Seriously, how could they not even register that?! And my name's not Pookie!"

The conundrum at their hooves still remained, however. Where their fashionista friend should have been, instead sat a very effeminate goat with a stylized, indigo mane. Said goat bore a stark-white coat and even a trio of diamonds on its flank. That was where the resemblance ended, however. This poor creature had been beaten with the ugly stick, frowning with a massive overbite and demeanor of discomfort. "Rarity?! Is that really you?" Twilight finally managed to ask.

"Bleeeeaaaahhhhhhttt!!!"

"...okay, ha ha, Sweetie Belle, you almost got us. Nice trick, we're really impressed, now where's Rarity?" Twilight questioned.

The little unicorn's mouth dropped open in surprise. "What?! This isn't a joke! Something terrible has happened to my big sister and you still don't believe me?!"

Pinkie broke out of her stupor and replied, "Silly Sweetie, Rarity's not a goat! Besides, that prank is just baaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhd."

Good heck, I should be shot for that.

"She is too a goat! Nothing was wrong this whole morning, even with this private customer she had. The one second I go outside, I hear her scream, and I rush back in here to find her like this!" Sweetie Belle exclaimed.

'Rarity' pushed up off the floor and trotted over to the trio. Hooves brushed against cast aside material until the group of friends were closer together. With emphatic emotion, the goat... bleated, "Bleeahhht bleaahht bleaaahht bleaahhht bleaahht bleeahh meeaahhhht bleeahhht, bleaahht meeahhht BLEAAHHT. MEEAAHHHHT. BLEAAHHT. BLEAAAAHHHHTT."

Despite how bizarre that was coming from a goat, Twilight and Pinkie knew only one would ever use that phrase. "RARITY?!"

OMGWTFBBQ

Rarity nodded and plopped back onto the floor. Twilight's mouth opened and closed several times. She tried to voice her questions, but confusion gripped her tongue. "How in Equestria did this happen?!"

"Bleeaahhht BLEEAHHTT! Meaaahhhtt bleaaahhht bleeaahh-"

"Bleh meh bleh?" Pinkie asked.

Twilight raised her eyebrows at her strange, pink friend. "Pinkie, you don't speak goat."

Pinkie giggled and replied, "I know, I just thought it would be funny. Ooo! What about charades? Rarity, stomp your hooves 42 times if an evil enchantress put a spell on you! Or shake your flank counter-clockwise, rub your head, and do the Pony Pokey if-"

"That's not how you play that game! We're wasting time trying to figure what happened to her instead of changing her back. Twilight, can't you just reverse whatever it is?" Sweetie Belle asked, watching Rarity collapse onto a sofa.

Twilight shook her head slowly. "It doesn't work like that, Sweetie. We have to know what caused this in order to help her. Otherwise the situation will get worse if we just assume what spell to use and it ends up backfiring."

Sweetie Belle scoffed. "Situation? Get worse?! My sister's a goat! How can it get worse?"

Yeah, like that question will ever be unanswered.

At that moment, the door chime echoed from the entrance and a voice called out, "Hey, Rarity? I brought those gems you asked for, they're all packed in this bag. Where do you want them?"

Twilight's face paled considerably from recognizing the newcomer. She nervously whispered, "I thought we locked the door! We can't have Spike come in here, he'd snap from seeing Rarity like this."

"Well, what do we do then?" Sweetie asked. Rarity continued to sob quietly on the sofa, not noticing the new problem at hoof.

"I don't know! Wait, Pinkie, you go and distract Spike while we try to sneak Rarity out of here," Twilight commanded.

Pinkie breathed in deeply and cheerfully replied, "OKIE DO-"

"Shhhhhhhh!" both Twilight and Sweetie shushed.

"...kie lokie," she quietly finished. Pinkie trotted out into the main lobby and slowly approached the little dragon. He hadn't noticed her yet so she decided to subtly greet him. As in, not subtle at all. "Hiya Spike!"

"Gah!" Spike yelled in surprise. He dropped his hefty bag, gems spilling onto the floor. "Pinkie! Warn me next time you do that, holy guacamole. What are you doing here anyway?" he asked, beginning to return the precious stones into the sack.

Without missing a beat, Pinkie replied, "Oh nothing really, just distracting you."

"Huh?" Spike uttered.

Twilight groaned and facehoofed at how quickly the plan was falling apart. Meanwhile, Sweetie desperately tried to pull Rarity out the back door. Unfortunately, the former unicorn had latched onto a pony-quin in protest of going outside for fear of being seen.

The scuffling noises eventually caught Spike's attention, causing him to pause. "What's going on back there, Pinkie? Is Rarity fixing something?" he asked and walked toward the fitting room.

Pinkie bounced in front of his path and spread out her hooves. She attempted to grin inconspicuously and answered, "Nopey dopey! You shouldn't go back there though because... because, there's a bear sleeping! Yep, sleeping bear!"

"A bear? Why is there a bear staying in her boutique?" Spike asked, his voice dripping with skepticism.

The pink mare fidgeted, trying to figure out to make the story believable. "Oh, he's not just any bear. His name's Harry!"

"Harry the bear?" Spike deadpanned.

"Yep! His parents had a bad sense of humor. Anyway, he had to cancel his trip to the beach because of rain, but he couldn't go back to his cave-house because Fluttershy was watching it for him and he didn't want to be rude! So he asked Rarity if he could help with some dresses in return for a place to stay," Pinkie explained, nervously grinning.

Now Spike may have been a little dragon, but he wasn't born yesterday. Nope, his birthday isn't for another one hundred and thirty two days. Yes.

He tried to look past Pinkie into the room, but she blocked his gaze wherever he moved. "So, Harry the bear is fixing dresses for Rarity since he can't go home because his trip to the beach got canceled?" he asked sarcastically.

Pinkie was about to confirm his question, but a loud bleaht interrupted her. "Heh heh, he's allergic to wool."

"Look, Pinkie, a cupcake!" Spike exclaimed and pointed to an empty corner of the room.

"Ooo! Where?!" she questioned excitedly, zipping to said spot. "Oh, ponyfeathers," Pinkie muttered as she realized Spike distracted her to barge into the backroom. She tried in vain to stop him, but he managed to rush past her.

He gasped loudly at what he beheld. The room was completely trashed, pony-quins scattered amok the floor. Yards of fabric and material somehow hung from the ceiling and walls. However, Spike was used to these messes. That was the usual Tuesday morning. It was, of course, the sight of Sweetie Belle and Twilight attempting to drag a familiar-looking goat out the backdoor. "Rarity?!"

Sweetie glared at Twilight for several moments. "Remind me why we sent Pinkie."

Before she could respond, Spike sprang onto Rarity and grasped a leg. "What happened?! Who did this to you?! I promise I will avenge you, Rarity, just tell me who's responsible!"

"Meeeahhtt bleaahht bleaaaahhhhtt!"

"...is that the name of the old, crazy pony at the retirement village?" Spike inquired.

Twilight facehoofed yet again. The day was getting longer already. "Spike, that's nopony's name. Besides, it might have been an accident, but we don't know anything since none of us speak goat. I think Fluttershy could help translate though and we're trying to take Rarity there now."

Spike maintained his grip on his crush. "Maybe she doesn't want to go outside! Don't worry, Rarity, I swear my undying love to you and promise to protect you!" he stated dreamily. To Spike, this was another chance to prove himself to Rarity. Oh yes, he would definitely capitalize on this opportunity. "Look at her, she's so nervous and scared that somepony will see her."

"That's why we're going out the backdoor. Nopony is around and the path will take us straight to Fluttershy's cottage without running into anypony," Twilight reasoned, finally resorting to using her magic to float Rarity outside with her. "It doesn't matter though since the boutique is clos-..." she trailed off, noticing the large crowd around the path in front of them.

It seemed everypony and their cat and dog were packed behind the boutique, each holding some sort of garment that needed fixing. Upon seeing the goat, the whole crowd cried out in shock and began to utter obscenities.

"Merciful Celestia, that is one hideous goat!"

"It looks like somepony beat it with the ugly stick!"

"Hide the fillies!"

"Forget the fillies, hide the goat!"

"Woof!"

The large group of ponies, and pets, continued bickering about the sight. Twilight rolled her eyes and sighed. Her assistant leaned over and whispered, "Plan C?"

Twilight nodded. "Plan C."

Her horn began to glow brilliantly and their merry band soon disappeared in front of the crowd. They stood motionless for a moment, until they eventually dispersed. Only two colts remained in their spots.

Snips' eye twitched. "Uhhh, Snails... did we just see what I think we did?"

Snails blankly gazed ahead at the spot where the strange group had been before teleporting away. "Ohhhh yeah. That goat had some hot flanks."

"Yea- wait, what?!?"

Fluttershy sat peacefully next to her favorite tree near her cottage. All of the animals had been fed and she was relaxing for the moment with the great weather. "Ahhhhh. What a nice day," she said to herself. Not a single cloud dotted the sky, allowing the sun to spread its warmth without hinder. So peaceful. Nothing could go wrong.

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

An abrupt flash startled the timid pegasus and caused her to launch upwards into the tree branches. Twilight, Pinkie, Spike, Sweetie Belle, and Rarity suddenly appeared near her former spot. "Fluttershy! Are you home?" Twilight called out.

"Nope, nopony here," Fluttershy loudly replied, hidden in the foliage of the tree..

Spike shrieked and clutched onto Rarity. "Gah! Fluttershy's a tree!"

Twilight groaned. "No. She's just up in the branches. Now let's get this over before somepony does something she'll regret. Fluttershy, would you please come down here?"

The pegasus slowly floated to them, eyeing them curiously. "Is that-"

"Yes. Rarity turned into a goat. Talk to her. See how it happened," Twilight commanded, her patience wearing thin.

"Oh. Okay," Fluttershy replied.

Rarity began to re-tell her tale to the animal aficionado, all in goat of course. I'll just cliff-note it for you that there were many 'bleaahhtts' and 'meeaaahhtts' had that day. All the while, Fluttershy nodded and occasionally commented "Oh my," or "That's awful."

Finally the two were silent, Rarity staring expectantly at her friends. Twilight leaned forward. "So? What'd she say?"

"Oh, I'm sorry. I don't speak goat, I was just trying to be polite," Fluttershy excused.

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!" Twilight shouted. Let's just say Twilight and stress weren't exactly on good terms at the moment.

Sweetie stomped her hoof. "Hey, calm down, Twilight! She was only trying to help."

"How about we get another goat to translate what Rarity is saying?" Pinkie asked.

Twilight breathed in deeply, annoyed that her friend had yet to see the flaw in that plan. "Pinkie, how would we understand what that goat would say?"

"Oh Twilight, I would just ask him! I speak goat, remember?" the pink mare joyfully reminded.

A sudden idea flashed into Spike's mind and he snapped his fingers from the revelation. "I got it! A kiss! That will return the fair maiden to her beautiful self!"

"Spike, that's only happens in fairy tales, it isn't really true," Twilight reasoned.

"It is, too!" he quickly retorted.

"Is not!"

"Is, too!"

"Is not!"

"Is, too!"

"Is, too!"

"Is not- wait, dangit! It would work, Twilight, let me try!" Spike shouted.

"Bleeaaaahhhhhttt!" Rarity bleated.

While they bickered amongst themselves on what to do next (well, more just Spike arguing still with Twilight that a kiss would change her back), a tall, broad minotaur approached them. He carried a basket in his hand and seemed to have a skip in his step.

"Hey Fluttershy, I know you said no, but WHOA-HELLO!" Iron Will stammered, noticing the goat with them. Rarity paled as the minotaur zipped over to her and leaned against the cottage. He purposely flexed his muscles and clicked his tongue. "Sup, babe. You new around here?"

Rarity cowered away from him, noticing the lust in his eyes. "...meeaahhhht," she managed to utter.

"Hey, buzz off, pal! She was turned into a goat this morning and she doesn't need someone like you making things worse for her!" Spike exclaimed, putting himself between the two. He narrowed his eyes and puffed out his chest in an attempt to intimidate the minotaur.

Iron Will effortlessly picked up the little dragon and dropped him out of the way. "Beat it, squirt, the grown-ups are talking," he chided, before turning his attention back to Rarity. He smirked once again and leaned over her. "Hey, I just met you and this is crazy, but- oh, the heck with it, you're coming with me!" Iron Will proclaimed, picking Rarity up and dashing away.

The remaining ponies blinked from shock at the sudden goatnapping. Spike pounced forward and gave chase, shouting, "Come back here, you hoofbrain!" His pursuit abruptly ended when he slammed into Fluttershy's mailbox. By the time he had regained his senses, Iron Will and Rarity were long gone. "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!'

The others were finally about to react, but a refined, ladylike voice stopped them. "Good heavens, what is all the commotion?"

Their bewilderment doubled as they witnessed an elegant, white unicorn canter forth from the Everfree Forest. "Rarity!"

Spike's attention quickly drew to the true Rarity before them. He launched himself and embraced the unicorn. "Rarity! Oh, thank Celestia you're okay!"

"Spike, darling, I need to breathe!" Rarity joked, smiling sweetly. "Now why wouldn't I be okay?"

Sweetie trotted toward the two, confusion still marked in her eyes. "We thought you turned into a goat!"

"A goat? Where in Equestria did you get an idea like that?" she asked.

“Rarity, that goat looked and acted just like you! What happened?” Twilight interrogated.

Rarity paused for a moment before realizing the whole misunderstanding. “Oh, Courtney? That poor goat, the dear asked for my help in beautification. After so much pleading and looks of misery, I just couldn’t turn my back!”

Fluttershy turned her head sideways. “So, you dyed her mane, painted her flank, and taught her how to be like you? Oh my, I hope Iron Will doesn’t do anything bad to her when he finds out.”

“Him, darling,” Rarity corrected.

Spike’s jaw dropped and he released his grip on the unicorn. “What?!”

“Courtney is a boy. Didn’t all of you know that?”

The group silently mused, wondering how in Equestria they had missed that detail. Suddenly, Pinkie Pie began laughing uncontrollably.

“What is it, Pinkie?” Twilight asked.

She finally took in a breath and replied, “Spike confessed his love to a billy goat!”

“I did not!”

El fin