Did someone said "No Vegetals"?
It was a calm, sunny day in Ponyville. A fresh, cool breeze whispered through the treetops, the birds chirped happily and ponies began streaming out into the streets as their day began. Truly, it couldn’t be a bad day, could it? Well, guess again.
“Mrs. Cheerilee!” Diamond Tiara yelped helplessly. “Mrs. Cherilee!”
“What is it this time, Diamond Tiara...?” The mentioned teacher asked her student, with a slight bit of regret and annoyance.
“I want a new desk!” Diamond Tiara cried out. The focus of the entire class was on both her and their teacher at this point. Even those few retarded, dumb kids in the back, who we all know never actually participate in lessons at all, now bothered actually paying attention to their teacher.
“A new desk...?” Cherilee asked with a fair bit of confusion. “Desks aren’t cheap, you know. Why would you want a new one?”
“There is a V E G E T A L on it! A V E G E T A L!” Diamond Tiara cried out again, her voice filled with, what appeared to be, fear. Either that, or mental disability.
“A...” Cheerilee mumbled to herself, trying to figure out what the frick was up with her students, her life and the world she was living in. “A what?”
“A V E G E T A L, Mrs. Cheerilee!” Diamond Tiara repeated.
“Diamond Tiara, not meanin’ to offend ya or anything, but... maybe talk in a language everypony here can understand, ye know.” Apple Bloom said to the wealthy filly.
“Said the redneck country pony who keeps talking in her dirty slang that everypony secretly despises.” Tiara crossed her hooves, looking away from Apple Bloom.
“That...!” Apple Bloom spoke up again, “That ain’t true! Or...is it?” Apple Bloom shot an insecure glance over to both Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo.
“Of course it isn’t, Apple Bloom!” Sweetie Belle said to her friend.
“Yeah! We wouldn’t hate you for anything as silly as that,” Scootaloo commented as well.
“Silly?” Apple Bloom asked back.
“Oh, uh, I didn’t-”
“Silly?” Apple Bloom asked again.
“No! Apple Bloom, that’s not how I-”
“A N G E R Y”
The class was silent for about 20 seconds before Cheerilee dared to speak up again.
“Right, that was, uh...interesting.” She was hiding just how much she secretly loathed herself and her miserable life. She probably should have listened to her father and went to Manehattan instead. “May we continue with our lesson now?”
“Go on? Without even solving this issue? This problem?” Diamond Tiara spoke to her teacher again, in her usual ‘I am too rich to care about your emotions’ voice.
“What problem?”
“The V E G E T A L, you imbecile! It’s still there! Right here, in front of my very snout! Do something!”
“Diamond, um, don’t you think you’re just...a tiiiiiiiny bit overreacting? I mean, it’s just one small bean, after all,” Silver Spoon told her friend from the left.
“I agree,” Cheerilee commented, “this is nonsense. Besides, you are interrupting our lesson. Be happy I haven’t sent you to the principal already.”
“I. Am. The Principal.” Diamond Tiara replied with an extraordinarily deep voice.
“Not. Yet.”
“Ok, you two. Cool it for just a second, alright?” Apple Bloom interrupted before the two of them could do each other any harm.
“Surely there’s no need for violence, right?” Sweetie Belle said to the two.
“Yeah, maybe just, I don’t know, talk it out?” Scootaloo added.
“I don’t get paid enough to talk this crap out...” Cheerilee mumbled, clenching her teeth.
“Well, in that case...uh...” Apple Bloom stuttered, out of ideas at this point.
“How about we just take the bean on your table and, you know, throw it away?” Sweetie Belle suggested.
“You wouldn’t dare touch a V E G E T A L.”
“And... why wouldn’t I, exactly?” Sweetie asked back.
“You don’t even wanna know, you fool.”
“I do, actually.”
“No, you don’t.”
“Yes, I do.”
“No, you don’t.”
“No, I don’t.”
“Yes, you do.”
“Do I?”
“Yes, you do.”
“Do I really?”
“No, not really.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
“An unexpected turn of events, I must say.”
“Instead of continuing this, I’d advise all of class to shift their attention to the autistic twats in the backrow as they are currently pulling out their skimasks and machine pistols to start the school shooting.”
The entire class turned towards the last row, where both Snails and Snips sat. Snails held an MP5 in his right hoof, whereas Snips was in the process of covering his face with a black skimask.
“Snails. Snips.” Cheerilee raised an eyebrow. “What is it that you’re doing, exactly?”
Only now did the two wanna-be criminals realise they were being watched by literally everypony in class.
“Oh, nothing. Nothing at all,” Snails said nervously, hiding his weapon behind his back. “Isn’t that right, Snips?”
“They say I am dumb, say I am weak, fat and mentally disabled. I will show them who is really the strongest pony in town...” Snips mumbled to himself in a deep, dark voice.
“Yep, see? Nothing at all.”
“You two. Principal. Now.” Cheerilee was not amused.
“But-”
“Now.” Cheerilee repeated, giving Snails a dead serious stare.
“Can we at least-”
“No, no shooting up the Kindergarten either.”
“Aw, come on!”
“Snails.” Cheerilee’s eyes narrowed, and she puffed angrily. “You better do it and go or I’ll make sure there’s nothing left for the Principal to talk to.”
“I think it would be nice to see the Principal again, on second thought, you know. Right, Snips?”
“Death is preferable...”
“Hahahaha, silly you, Snips. Come on, now. We have a meeting with the Principal!” Snails said to his friend. “Don’t forget about the Kolibri pistol beneath your tongue...” he whispered to Snips before wandering off towards the exit of the classroom, Snips following him.
As the two left the classroom, the previous discussion broke out yet again. As expected.
“So are we gonna get rid of this bean, or what?” Apple Bloom asked Diamond Tiara.
“Over my dead body.”
“But I thought you said you hated it, and wanted to get rid of it and all.”
“It’s a hate-love relationship.”
“You’re kidding.”
“Diamond Tiara, I demand you either take that stupid, little bean and throw it out of the window or learn to cope with it staying just where it is!” Cheerilee shouted at Diamond Tiara, who seemed visibly unimpressed by this.
“But the window is closed.” Diamond Tiara stated.
Cheerilee’s eyes twitched, the mare visibly growing insane by all this. “Diamond Tiara,” she said to her in a last ditch effort, “sweetie, I know you’re a bit retarded because you and your family sniff dollar bills as if it’s crack but please. Do me this favour. Just this one. Could you please, for the love of Celestia, take this stupid little bean and throw it away? Please?”
“What bean?”
“I- You-” Cheerilee was officially done for at that point. “Actually, nevermind. Class is over. Go home, everypony. I have to smash my head against the coffee machine in the staff room for the rest of the day,” Cheerilee stated with what little strength and sanity she had left. “Bye, bye!” she added as she left the room.
“So... we can go home now?” Scootaloo asked.
“I think so...?” Sweetie replied insecurely.
“Hah. I knew it,” Diamond Tiara spoke up.
“Knew what?” The Cutie Mark Crusaders asked in unison.
“I knew Cheerilee would give up eventually if I just kept this show up. Luckily Snails was easy to bribe into joining me in this, haha.”
“Wait, what?” The CMC gave out.
“A show?” Sweetie asked
“You were just pretending?” Apple Bloom asked as well.
“If you only bribed Snails... why did Snips also join on in on the “show”?” Scootaloo said. Diamond Tiara, Silver Spoon and the other CMC looked at her with raised eyebrows. “What? Am I the only one who noticed that?”
“Well, either way, my plan worked perfectly! I’ll make it to my hooficure appointment after all. I was about to call it off, you know,” Diamond Tiara said self-confidently.
“You...” Said a familiar voice through the still open door. “You. You were PRETENDING!?” Cheerilee shouted furiously, stepping back into the classroom. Her mane and fur looked as if she hadn’t rested for at least a month.
“M-Mrs. Cheerilee, oh, I, uh-” stuttered Diamond Tiara, yet to no avail.
“You will pay for this, you small, little...” Cheerilee said to Diamond Tiara, slowly coming closer to her.
“I-I promise it won’t happen again! I do! Really!”
Cheerilee shook her head from left to right slowly in response. “No. No, it’s too late for that, I’m afraid.”
“P-please, no! I’m sorry! I promise I-”
“A N G E R Y”
Author's Note
Please don’t sue me for this. I’m sorry. Deeply sorry.
