Whatever Floats Your Boat

by Flutterpriest

Rating: mature
Tags: Anon, Second Person, Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human
Length: 1242

Finally, at long last. You've returned to Earth. To your surprise, you didn't go back alone. A trip to your local pool has you run into Princess Celestia herself, whose intentions there may be kinkier than expected.

Finally, at long last. You've returned to Earth. To your surprise, you didn't go back alone. To additional surprise, a trip to your local pool has you run into Princess Celestia herself, whose intentions there may be kinkier than you would have ever expected.

This is story is squarely blamed on Anzel.

Published 2017-09-15 15:20:06 UTC
Last updated 2017-09-15 15:20:06 UTC

Underwater Friction

Author's Note

Underwater Friction

It's a beautiful, sunny day on Earth.

Yes, you read that correctly. Equestria fucking sucks. You spent four goddamn years on that piece of shit hunk of rock, until finally Princess Overlord McSunnyass reveals she knew how to open a portal back to your world. Like, Jesus fucking Christ. That could have been NICE TO KNOW a little earlier! You were nearly about to break down your finely crafted and temperate standards and come to terms with the idea you would have to have sex with a horse. Now you can keep that idea where it belongs, the trash.

Now, you're back on Earth. Turns out that nobody really missed you. Your Mom didn't even realize you left because you don't CALL HER ENOUGH. What the Christ, Lucas. Fucking call home once in a while. On the bright side, your corporate poison job forgot to take you off payroll when they fired you, so now you've got a nice little nest egg.

You walk into your local public pool and bask in the surroundings. It's a school day, which means the pool is nearly empty except for only the youngest children who are too scared to go into the pool alone. The water ripples over the light blue paint that lines the pool, and the sterile, sharp scent of chlorine fills the air. Not like chlorine gas, because that would kill you. It smells like a fucking pool. What do you want from me?

The whistle of the lifeguards rings loudly as some 20 somethings climb down their 'big boy high chairs'. Looks like you timed your shit right. It's time for adult swim.

You hop into the pool and feel that cool, crisp water wash over your overheated body. Yeeessss. Nothing fights the effects of Global Warming like a little dip in a chemically altered water puddle. Or something like that. You dip your head under water and let your hair do that thing where it's in zero gravity. You slick your hair back and slowly raise your head out of the water, pretending to be like a predator.

Just because its adult swim doesn't mean you need to act like an adult. Suck it, children. Actually, don't that's gross.

Finally, you just lay back and let the water relax you. Sure, you should probably do something smart, like, get a job. But you've earned a lazy day or two since you came back from Equestria. You're under... deep mental turmoil, or something like that. You're sure if you saw a psychologist and talked about what you went through, it would be a one way ticket to a padded cell. So, you might as well figure out how you'll get your story straight for the 4 years you disappeared. Backpacking through Europe seems like the smartest decision, but on the other hand, you hate outside. So it doesn't really seem smart.

Just then, you feel something light tap the back of your head. You turn, and a large, white pool donut floats beside you. It's rather oversized for a children's floaty, but on the other hand, it's in the form of a big white swan. Hell. Fuck it. You didn't get to where you are in life right now by being nice. Let's use that shit.

You grab the floaty around the side and pull it a little towards the shallows.

"Mmnh," you hear.

You look around, trying to find the source of the noise. However, nobody else is in the pool. You shrug it off and stand up so you're only about thigh deep in water. You take a moment to spin the floaty and look at its rather long neck and... Pastel colored head.

In fact, this whole thing looks rather odd. The white floaty has two swan-like wings, a set of violet eyes. In fact, it's almost like its head of hair sways in some sort of non-existent breeze.

Wait. Wait a fucking minute. Are you losing your mind?

"Princess... Princess Celestia?" you whisper.

The purple eyes on the pool float dart from side to side, and a visible sweat drop moves down its forehead.

"No way. What the fuck? What the fuck is going--"

"Shut up and get in me," Celestia the pool float whispers.

"Is this really happening?" you ask.

"Yes, this is real. Just hurry."

"Why?"

"There's no time," Celestia says.

You grab the inside of the floaty and-

"Mmmnnhh."

"Wait, is that you?" you ask.

"N-no. Just hurry up and get in me."

You squeeze your hand on the inside of the ring.

"Ooohh~" she moans lightly.

"This is a kinky sex thing for you, isn't it?" you mutter flatly.

"No!" she whisper shouts at you. "A-and even if it was, there's nothing wrong with that."

You stare at her blankly, completely in disbelief of what you are seeing.

"So, in your spare time, you come to Earth, as a fucking pool floaty. And you get people inside of you, to fuel your sick fetish."

"Well, now you just make it sound like I'm doing something wrong," Celestia says indignantly.

"That's fucked up."

"HOW?"

"I mean, you're literally putting the entirety of a person inside you. Is that, like some weird vore shit?"

"That's gross, Anon. There are children around."

"YOU ARE LITERALLY HAVING PUBLIC SEX."

A mother, walking by with her little boy, covers her boy's ears and casts you a dirty look as they pass your end of the pool.

"Now who's the bad guy?" Celestia snickers.

"Oh, shut up. This is messed up. I'm not getting inside you."

"Well, I'm not leaving until I'm satisfied, so you can talk to the hoof."

Celestia floats in the water for a moment, before looking down at her body.

"Or, wing, or something. I haven't worked that out."

You hold up one of your hands as if it were a puppet.

"You can talk to meeeeee," your hand 'says'. "Get the fuck out of the pool."

"I'm not talking to your hand, Anonymous," Celestia says.

"Daww. Everyone likes Mr. Handy."

"Everypony," she corrects.

"Nah, bitch. You're on my turf now. You're going to have to learn to live in my world. If you think you can boss me around here, you got another thing coming. And I'll tell you something else."

"What?" she growls, a look of irritation overcoming the floaty princess.

"Adult swim is over."

Whistles blare through the public pool as little kids jump into the shallows and you back away from the floaty.

"Hey kids! First one to the floaty gets to play with it until they go home!" you shout, backing away from Celestia.

"Wait, what! Children, No!" Celestia says, eyes bulging out of their sockets.

The cheering and screaming small children fill the pool as they convene on Celestia and grab every inch of her in order to claim her for themselves.

"Children! Please! No don't touch there! It's dirty! Mnnh. No! Please!"

You turn away from the destructive scene in front of you as two girls pull themselves inside of her inner circle and Celestia begins to hyperventilate. Did you just have children gang-rape Celestia? Shit. That was way darker than you ever could ever anticipated.

But hey, it just goes to show, in this world you either sink or learn to swim. And today? Celestia got the hot, wet human action she wanted. Whether she liked it or not.