The Great Threesome war of Pegasopolis
Authors Note - Special thanks to Mac’Olleague for ensuring the Grammar is smooth and slippery for your ease and convenience.
An account summarising the events of ‘The Great Threesome war of Pegasopolis’
Written by Anonymous
From the north came the unicorns, whose powerful magic’s driving their enemies before them, their sharp and shapely horns ready to thrust deep inside any who opposed them. From the south came the earth ponies, their lack of magical power supplemented by strange technologies the likes of which no-Pegasus had ever seen.
The armies of the earth ponies and the unicorns PLUNGED deep into the pegasus empire. During the first battle with Pegasopolises defenders the Unicorns, confident in their abilities, brought insufficient protection to the fight and were forced to withdraw, resulting in a wholly dissatisfying operation. Meanwhile the earth ponies found themselves unable to rise to the occasion, as their weapons of war could not reach the air-bound pegasus. This was of great embarrassment to the earth ponies, who were widely seen as an impotent race.
This retreat gave the pegasus warriors hope and at first their resolve seemed enough to snatch victory, but soon their enemies returned to thrust forth again with renewed vigour. It became a game of sorts, as these armies drove in and out, in and out, assaulting and then retreating, again and again. A full year past and the citizens of Pegasopolis began to fear that no place in there fair land would escape unviolated.
Finally the day came when the pegasus general devised a clever strategy, which would allow an elite team of the empire’s finest to strike the earth ponies from the rear. The scheme was a roaring success with the pegasus falling eagerly on their enemies’ flanks, ready for some violating of their own. With the earth ponies behinds sufficiently tenderised, the pegasus general now sent the remainder of her forced on a daring assault, right down her foe’s gullet where they remained, throbbing proudly at their success.
From here their general issued a challenge to the earth pony leader and so the chancellor of Dirtville stepped forth. Both sides were in a precarious situation, and both leaders knew that if the fighting continued it would be entirely in the hooves of fate who would be in control at the climactic end.
Knowing this an agreement was made between the two leaders; the battle would be decided between in an honourable duel, with no aid given by their followers. The general and the chancellor would strive to use any tactic they knew to defeat the other.
The resulting duel would decide the fate of Pegasopolis, for if the chancellor was defeated then her armies would return to their own lands and trouble the pegasus no longer, but if she proved victorious than it would be the pegasi who would stand aside and allow themselves to be taken by their enemies.
Long did the battle go on, and it is reported that the grunts and cries of the combatants were so loud that no pony of either army was able to find a moments rest for the three days and three nights over which the battle stretched. In the end the chancellor yielded with a final ecstatic cry to the superior skill and tenacity of the pegasus general, so peace between the two countries was at last restored.
Sadly, whilst the earth ponies could return home to a land of peace and plenty, the pegasi still had another foe to fight. For whilst she had been away the warriors whom the general had left behind to defend the north had been dominated by the unicorns magic, who now entered and exited Pegasopolis freely. It was reported, would soon reach the capital of Pegasopolis.
The general knew that if this last beacon of virgin purity was sullied by their enemies touch the war would be lost, and so she rushed to stop this affront to their honour. The general and her forces arrived just in time and savagely pushed back against the invaders. As they were no longer supported by the earth ponies the unicorns could no longer advance as they once had, but neither could the pegasus drive them out completely.
The war had descended into an arduous standstill with the unicorns sitting comfortably inside the mouth of the empire. Many attempts were made to drive them out but the unicorns had erected powerful pillars of magic which halted any attempts to approach with sticky, unpleasant goo designed to ground air-bound pegasi.
The situation seemed hopeless until the general finally found a weakness in their enemy’s position. After some careful planning and skilful positioning of her troops she slammed shut her trap.
Like great teeth driving together to bite a juicy carrot, the pegasus armies bit down on their enemies’ supply routes, retaking the border and simultaneously cutting the unicorns forces off from both fresh supplies and an path with which to withdraw easily.
The unicorn army was promptly surrounded and offered a simple choice, leave the lands of the pegasi and never return, or perish in this land, far from home. Few chose to stay and by the end of the day not a single living member of the unicorn army remained in Pegasopolis.
Now without her army, the unicorn queen was unable to continue her attacks on Pegasopolis. It is rumoured that she went mad with indignation and locked herself in her tower with only her pegasus stallion slave to wait on her and from whence loud and suspicious moans can even now occasionally be heard.
As for the earth pony chancellor, she immediately turned her armies south, and began a new quest to conquer the roaming wilder beast tribes of the desert. However when she discovered that they did not, in fact, live in a dessert she lost interest in the campaign and returned home to the Meringue Manor.
With peace restored in Pegasopolis a national holiday was announced to celebrate their success. The victorious pegasus army marched through their homelands, their wings stood proudly erect, throbbing energetically. They were ecstatic about having finally routed the foe, but their thirst for blood had not been entirely sated. Though they were glad to have removed the violating influence of the unicorns, they still craved their warm, sticky fluids.
End
