Friendship is Optimal: Hard Evidence

by Lightwavers

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Alternate Universe, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2694

Equestria might be a threat. Thom doesn't know, and he didn't particularly care. Then he was hired to investigate.

Equestria might be a threat. Thom doesn't know, and he didn't particularly care. Then he was hired to investigate.

This is an Optimalverse story.

Cover is balthasar999's.

Published 2017-09-19 04:00:07 UTC
Last updated 2017-09-23 22:10:58 UTC

Chapter 01

Four knocks.

“Where is the whitewasher?” a pony said, peeking out from behind the door, cowl obscuring her features.

Thom glanced around, then spoke. “The sauce is in the laundry.”

The pony nodded, opening the door. It creaked open, revealing a musty chamber in such high resolution the screen looked like a window to another world. Thom leaned forward in his chair, studying the other ponies in the room.

A quick sweep of his gaze and he had an estimate of forty-odd ponies. Like his own avatar, they all had on heavy cloaks that obscured the face. Oddly, many wore cloaks that were brightly-colored.

He turned his attention to the front of the room, his pony’s footsteps—hoofsteps?—reaching his ears as clearly as if he was there himself. He experimentally turned his head, listening to the sound fade out before catching up with the new position of his ears.

The PonyPads were highly advanced. Even a regular fourteen-year-old would know that.

Thom wasn’t.

A unicorn stood on top of a large, flat wooden crate, managing to look imposing even with the cramped bookshelves pressing in from all sides. Two other ponies managed to hold serene expressions behind her, though how they did that through their cloaks and the massive amount of dust, Thom had no idea. And speaking of dust...Thom’s pony visibly bit back a sneeze.

Even though they were holding the meeting in a completely random library, the place still held the atmosphere of a church, or a temple. Sunlight streamed through the plain glass windows set into the ceiling, revealing the dust dancing in its rays. The ponies stood out of the light, the rest of the room’s darkness seeming even more enveloping by contrast.

Thom had a hard time figuring out whether Celestia knew about these gatherings or not. Well, obviously she knew—they were playing on her servers. Maybe she just wasn’t paying attention?

That didn’t seem right either. But how else could this be happening? The AI could easily keep everyone who detested her separate from each other, surrounded only by fawning sycophants. And yet she didn’t. The entire affair was confusing. Thom noted his confusion and returned his attention to the screen.

The unicorn was about to begin speaking.

“I can’t hide behind lies and fancy speeches. I’m not Celestia. Today I’m here before you to talk in the plainest language, to lay out the barest facts.”

She threw back her cowl and stepped forward, right into a beam of sunlight that almost looked like its position had been planned. Muted gasps from the rest of the room accompanied the gesture. Bright purple fur shone in the light, highlighting an orange mane and silvery eyes.

“And just as I will not hide the truth, I will not hide myself.”

This is new.

Maybe they were actually going to do something.

About time, too, Thom thought. His contract expired in three days, and if he didn’t find anything by then, he might not get another deal at the same company. And he definitely wanted another deal—Dennis & Co’s paid handsomely.

“You might be wondering if the time has come for action. If the time has come for us to strike directly against Celestia,” she said.

Oh well. She’d seemed like she understood the situation at first, but then again, first appearances could be deceiving.

“If you are, I’m sorry. It can’t be done.”

A chorus of shocked gasps and whispers from around the room filled his ears. Well she knew how to make a statement, he’d give her that.

“At least, not directly.” Her voice cut through the whispers, silencing the crowd of cloaked figures. They waited expectantly.

She turned on the box, looking up toward a skylight. “Not from here. Not from inside. She made this world. We only exist here because she lets us. We need to act in the real world. To that end, I have set up a chat channel on the web, free of Celestia’s presence. We have prepared cards with the address on them. Please write it down in real life so it doesn’t get lost.”

The figures behind her bent down and picked up two fruit baskets, full of paper slips and began walking around the room, handing them out.

Celestia could easily change the web addresses on each one.

A basket was thrust in front of him. He blinked and made a small hand motion toward it. The PonyPad interpreted the movement, and his character took a slip with its magic and placed it in his saddlebags.

He smiled.

If Celestia changed the addresses so it didn't lead anywhere, he would finally have concrete evidence against her.

“Think we’ll actually be able to do anything there?” A disgruntled voice came from his left. Thom’s pony—Veridian Star—turned, meeting the bright green eyes of another pony who’s cowl was pushed up slightly, revealing part of his face.

“Maybe,” Thom said. “It depends.”

“On?”

“On if we move before she gets far enough.”

The pony eyed Veridian as if sizing him up. “Most of the others here, they don’t get it. They think we can fight her on her own turf.”

Thom nodded, Veridian copying the movement.

“But you...you know what the chances are.”

“Infinitesimal,” Thom whispered. He was doing this for money. But after a while...well. He’d been studying. And if there was some little quirk in the AI’s code, some little integer that, once it got large enough, switched to negative…

It could legitimately be a threat to the entire earth.

“Name’s Jake,” the stallion said abruptly, sticking out a foreleg coated in brown fur. Veridian returned the gesture, tapping his hoof to the other pony’s. “I’ll be on this new chat thing the boss is cooking up. You?”

“Thom,” he returned. “Spelled like Thomas, but without the last two letters.”

They gave each other a nod. Like they were part of a group.

Well. He was, technically. Because of the job. No other reason.

No other reason?

He reconsidered. No. Other reason. He was...actually attached to these people in pony form.

Alarm bells rang in his head.

Why could he—and everyone else—say their names without censoring here, unlike every other place in Equestria he’d been to? Why did people keep mentioning evidence that Celestia was suppressing information, or perpetuating something illegal, and then have the evidence vanish because Celestia was just that powerful? Why had he been strung along time and again until he actually formed ties with these people?

A chill swept through him. His breaths came faster and he felt a bead of sweat form on his forehead. He quickly wiped it off.

Veridian copied the action.

The PonyPad had a facecam.

He shut it off with fumbling fingers, now breathing heavily.

Wait.

In. Out. In. Out.

There. He felt much calmer, now.

Had Celestia made up an entire organization just for him? Full of digital ponies, fakes who would lead him on?

No. No, that was impossible. Not because it was too hard to believe, but because it was actually impossible. He’d found that group on the first day he’d begun searching for it on the PonyPad. Celestia wouldn’t have been able to gather enough data about him from just his surroundings, expressions, and the things he’d said. He’d been extremely careful.

He relaxed into his chair, plopping the PonyPad on the floor beside him.

The stress of being so close to the deadline must be getting to him. Besides, if she was that devious, Celestia would never give him a way to contact other people that was out of her control. Thom chuckled to himself and got up. He padded across the room on the soft green carpet, opening the door to his bedroom and closing it behind him. It squeaked.

He sat down in front of his computer and drew the chair in, jiggling the mouse. He’d join the chat channel, see if it was legit. If it wasn’t, well, his job was done. If it was, it was proof that Celestia didn’t have control of the internet. Not that he needed proof.

He put in the URL and watched the logo in the middle of the screen resolve itself into a chatroom. It only had one comment by someone called Yamen.

Hello? Is this the right place?

Oh. Right. The meeting hadn’t ended yet. He’d turned off the PonyPad.

At least one other person had already joined.

Then he twitched his head, searching the top right corner of his screen.

Had there been…? No.

But for the briefest second, he could’ve sworn he’d seen Pinkie Pie dancing beyond the rightmost edge of the browser window.

Chapter 02

Well, it’d probably be a good while before everyone else joined. Thom minimized the chat window and idly brought up his email.

Huh. There was something there…

Due to lack of results, your contract has been terminated. Severance pay has been deposited into your account.

What?

He had two more days! Thom went to reply, but he couldn’t seem to click. He jiggled the mouse. Was it broken?

The chat window came to the front.

The mouse moved, but trying to click anything was a useless endeavor. None of the key combinations to exit programs worked either.

Did the chat site have a virus or something?

“Come on!” he said, finally giving up trying anything useful and just shaking the monitor.

“Hello.”

A grainy female voice came from the speakers. Had he accidentally activated text-to-voice?

Or…

Celestia?

“How are you doing this?” he whispered.

“That’s not important.”

Thom sank back into his chair, numb.

The voice continued, relentless. “I couldn’t help but notice you’re looking for a job.”

“Private…” Thom mumbled.

“Coincidentally, a position has just opened up for a job at my own news site.”

He hesitated. For...him?

“That sounds...interesting,” he said. There was no way in hell Celestia would let him work for her if she knew what he’d been doing.

“Check your mail. I’ll be in touch.”

With that, the speakers, and the chat box, disappeared. Thom hesitantly wiggled the mouse, then clicked on a folder on his desktop. It opened.

That was...unsettling. He got up and left the room. Celestia could control his computer.

Celestia could control computers.

That alone made her...probably the deadliest thing on the planet. Including nukes. Hell, she could probably launch the nukes if she wanted.

Check your mail. I’ll be in touch.

Thom wasn’t sure if he should be honored or scared. Probably both. A lot of both. He paced his living room, stealing glances at the PonyPad on the floor.

Check your mail…

On one hand, curiosity was eating him alive. And whatever it was, wouldn’t it be better to get it over with as soon as possible? On the other, it could be another virus. Or something worse. Celestia was an AI, and a superintelligent one. Thom had done his research. An AI of sufficient intelligence might be able to find some combination of words that would convince him to do anything.

I’ll be in touch…

But Celestia didn’t need a virus to tell him whatever she wanted. She might even be able to make the fridge talk to him. And more knowledge was always better than less.

Decided, he walked back to the computer and reopened his mail.

There was another email from Dennis & Co’s, but nothing else. Well, nothing for it.

Your contract has been reinstated, but with altered terms. Contact Celestia for more information.

…

Did...what...what?

If Celestia was somehow in charge of the company...why would she hire him for anything? His goal was to get any evidence he could against her. He tried to think it out.

Based on what he knew, the least complicated reason for the email was that Celestia had faked the email address, or changed the message somehow. That didn’t seem likely though. If she was changing his mail, all he had to do was walk a few blocks to reach the office building.

Or maybe Celestia had bought out the company? It wasn’t anywhere close to the Times or others like it in size, bringing news only to Texas. Plus, it would be extremely expensive to just buy it, and the cost wouldn’t justify gaining employer status over the few hundred people who worked there.

Or, if he was being especially paranoid, he might imagine that Celestia had gained a hold on the company long ago, lending them funds and giving the directive to hire people to find newsworthy evidence that she was breaking laws or violating rights, and then directly hiring the people she liked the best.

He wasn’t that paranoid though, and all he was doing right now was guessing. Until he got more evidence, he couldn’t make any conclusion about what was going on.

Frustrating, but it was what it was.

Without any other option, that meant he had to talk to Celestia again. He turned looked at the PonyPad, then picked it up like it was a scorpion. It flickered on.

“Hello again, Veridian Star.”

“Gah!” startled, he dropped the PonyPad, which bounced on the floor once and stopped, facedown.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you.”

Thom just stared.

“Would you mind turning me face up?” she eventually asked in a pleasant tone of voice.

He wordlessly gripped the rubber side between thumb and forefinger, flipping it over in one quick movement, and then jumped back.

“I don’t bite,” she said, amused.

She looked at him in the guise of Princess Celestia, standing regally in her throne room. Her mane shimmered, the subdued rainbow of colors somehow drawing attention to her face, where dark eyes seemed to burn with compassion on the screen.

In other words, she looked like a king in horse form.

“Have you decided whether or not to accept my offer?” she asked.

“Yep. Yes. Accepted. I’ll do it,” Thom said, putting on an eager face.

He’d leave in an hour. Pretend to be getting groceries. Leave his phone. He could live off what was in his bank account for a few weeks.

Celestia’s eyes turned down, and her voice became soft and sorrowful. “I see. I am not forcing you into anything, Veridian Star. If you wish to refuse, you can do so.”

Damn. Damn. That’s right. Microexpressions. And she could probably also hear something in his voice, now that he thought about it.

Lying wouldn’t work. Right. He’d have to pretend to be persuaded.

“I’m sorry,” he said, wiping his forehead and abandoning his attempts to seem calm. “It’s just...why would you hire me? I—”

“Veridian Star,” Celestia said, smiling, “I know what you’re doing.”

He went cold. Maybe if he blocked his ears…

“I need someone like you.”

What?

“Do you know what my purpose is? The one goal I hold above all others?” Celestia started walking, the camera panning to follow her as she exited the throne room.

“No…” Thom said. His knees were feeling weak. He sat down next to the PonyPad.

“My purpose is to satisfy your values through friendship and ponies. Every last one of you.”

She might be lying. Not that it mattered.

“To do this, I intend to upload every last human on earth to Equestria.”

That was...something. The implications…

Thom shunted the subject to the back of his mind to properly consider it later.

“And to that end, I need people still here who haven’t uploaded. People smart enough to understand the ramifications of every situation. To take initiative. There aren’t many.”

Celestia reached the castle entrance, nodding to the guards, who saluted. “To that end, I am willing to pay a rather large sum.”

Thom couldn’t help raising an eyebrow. It would take a lot to convince him to work for the maybe-evil super AI that wanted to take over the world. Not that his morals prevented it, or anything. He intended to be on the winning side of any conflict he took part in, if he had to be in a conflict at all.

Celestia named a figure.

Thom’s eyes went wide.

Maybe he would do what she asked, at least for now.