Pinkie Pie had always thought clowns were super neato. What wasn’t there to like about them?! They always made everypony smile, told funny jokes, and made the best balloon animals! Now, at long last, Great Aunt Agnes had died, and left to Pinkie her prized clown makeup and red nose. Sure, Pinkie had pretended to be a clown before, but not this officially, but now she could be a clown for real.
Pinkie examined herself in her bedroom mirror, having finally successfully created a clown persona that she could call her own. It was pale, and she looked oddly gaunt, and her nose had been stained by something brown long ago, but it was tradition, so Pinkie would stick with it.
“Wowie Zowie!” Pinkie Pie said to herself. “I sure can’t wait to see what the rest of Ponyville thinks of my new clown routine!”
She’d simply have to be sure not to tell them that she was wearing dead-lady makeup and props. Death was always such a downer.
Step one was to find someone she knew would love to be in on a good clown prank, and there was no pony better at enjoying pranks than Rainbow Dash. Of course, Dash was away trying to be in Top Gu- I mean the Wonderbolts, so she’d have to go with the next best pony: Fluttershy. Pinkie Pie knew that she couldn’t unleash the full extent of her wholesome prank on the skittish, yellow pegasus, so she decided to only use ketchup on the butcher knife in her master plan, rather than actual pig’s blood. Vegan approved!
So, Pinkie Pie pulled on her Aunt’s old, black, oversized shoes (though they creaked like rusty gates rather than squeaked now, because they were so old) and waddled her way through town towards Fluttershy’s house. On her way, she realized that the poor mare might need a little comfort after the prank, so she decided to buy her a red balloon from a passing vendor. Bitches love red balloons. Especially 99 of them.
As Pinkie Pie trotted across the tranquil river bridge that was outside Fluttershy’s cottage, she could hear the familiar hum in the air that was unique to this place. The hum of Fluttershy’s intense vibrator collection. They were full of bees. It was a great way to save on batteries. Pinkie Pie resisted her urge to start spouting off Nick Cage quotes, and quickly went up to Fluttershy’s door.
Pinkie knew the element of surprise was an important part of every prank, and she was prepared for the occasion. Pinkie pulled out her fireman’s axe. Rather than knock, she figured she’d be more assertive. Knocking is so passive aggressive after all. So, instead, she swung the axe at her front door with a cheery call of “OH FLUTTERSHYYYYY!”
Pinkie knew she was doing a good job, due to the unrelenting scream from within the house that mimicked that of a mouse being squeezed until it’s eyes pop out of it’s skull. She pulled back the axe, taking the door off its hinges as she did, and stuck her head inside.
“ARE BIG SURPRISES YOUR FETISH, FLUTTERSHY?” she shouted.
“B-but that’s a different story,” Fluttershy whimpered as she made a damp spot on the chair under her. “Anon’s not even in this one.”
And that’s what happened that brought you into this situation. No. Bad Anon, back to Earth with you. Just then, a portal opened in the sky, and a human fell from the sky screaming at the top of his lungs, only to be caught by another portal directly below it. That’s enough of that, Priest, try it again and I will cut you. Okay?
Priest doesn’t want his back to hurt anymore and likes having water privileges in the closet, so Pinkie Pie approaches Fluttershy as a bee-filled vibrator makes a loud “BZZZ” on the floor. We changed back to past tense, because that’s what we were writing in in the first place, and then Pinkie pulled out her ketchup-stained butcher’s knife. There was a simultaneous agreement that fourth-wall jokes get old quickly as Fluttershy shivered so hard that she fell onto the floor.
“FLUTTERSHY,” Pinkie said in all caps. “I MUST AXE YOU A QUESTION, AND IT’S NOT A VERY KNIFE ONE.”
Fluttershy crawled backward on the ground, her voice rendered useless as she waited for the response from the mysterious invader. Her animal friends all quickly backed away from her, sensing that her death was near, and that it was only a matter of time before they’d at last get the chance to feast on her flesh.
“DON’T YOU WANT A BALLOOON?” Pinkie screamed.
She thrust the balloon out at Fluttershy with a wide, clown-like grin. Fluttershy looked at the balloon, then back at the scary clown who looked like her face was melting or something, or that they were trying and failing to do a YouTube makeup tutorial.
“Uh, you better fucking bet I want a goddamn balloon. Aw shit,” Fluttershy said meekly.
“WELL HERE YOU GO!” Pinkie cried, and quickly tied the balloon around Fluttershy’s torso. “WELL OKAY BYE.”
“B-but…” Fluttershy said as she rose off the floor, because pegasus are built like birds and weigh like maybe as much as an infant lizard. “What do I do now? I’m just… kind of floating?”
Pinkie stopped in the doorway, and turned around slowly. She smiled even wider, and her eyes glinted with the madness that comes from inhaling white face paint for way too long.
“GOOD! WE ALL FLOAT DOWN HERE!” she called over her shoulder, sounding oddly like Nigel Thornberry.
As Fluttershy floated away like the worthless good-for-nothing that she is, Pinkie knew it it was time to move to her second wonderful prank. Namely, helping the foals enjoy recess at school. She just hoped that the ketchup stains she’d gotten on her costume wouldn’t make the kids think she was gross. Without a moment to spare, Pinkie Pie made her way towards the Ponyville School yard, carrying a bucket of pig’s blood with her.
As she entered the school yard, all the colts and fillies stopped to stare at her. However, to begin her prank, she knew she would need to get all of the colts on their own first, so she pulled out her trusty milkshake. As usual, it brought all the boys to the yard, and made the girls sad because fuck them, no milkshakes for vaginas.
“A-are… Are you gonna drink all of that?” Snips asked the pony who was soaked in ketchup and carrying a bucket of pig’s blood.
“Yeah, it’s only fair that you share with everyone, including the girls,” said a filly named Penny, who was very wise.
“Ahah! Ahah! Ahah!” Pinkie cackled much like her Aunt Agnes. May pony Satan rest her soul. “Of course you don’t get to have any. But you can all have balloons! You get a balloon, and you get a balloon! We’ll all float!”
“Aw shit, nigga. Mothafuckin’ Balloons,” A colt named Stephen whispered, who was king of the schoolyard..
“I dunno,” said Scootaloo, who never really knew much of anything anyway. “She looks pretty scary to me.”
Pinkie Pie quickly tied a balloon around Scootaloo before she could say more.
“YOU FLY NOW!”
Scootaloo began to weep with a mixture of joy and horror as she began to ascend into the sky, and the foals around her began to shriek with panic, which Pinkie knew was really just happiness in disguise.
“WHO ELSE WANTS ONE?” Pinkie shouted in glee, but not like that shitty television show. Learn to fucking sing. And how dare you try to redo Rocky Horror you dumb high school bitches. And you fucking WASTED Idina Menzel’s talent, Jesus fucking christ.
The little ponies scattered, wailing for their parents, who soon came running to the school with pitchforks and torches, because all monsters are alike and all horror movie mobs are alike, so whatevs. That is, with the exception for Twist’s parents, who just begged for this masked hero to end their suffering. The mob approached Pinkie, as she counted the group and tried to estimate if she had enough balloons for everyone. Thanks to her lucky coochie stash, she did, but just barely.
“Who are you?” the mayor, leading the mob as she always did, barked. “Why are you terrorizing our town and… wait, what the fuck are you doing with that bucket of pig’s blood?”
“Oh this?” Pinkie said, looking at the bucket of pig’s blood. “I Carrie it with me wherever I go!”
While making the whole town smile was supposed to be the final prank of the day, Pinkie knew an opportunity when she saw it and sprung into action. Pinkie walked directly up to Twist and poured the blood on the poor little filly. Everypony laughed at her. Then they stopped when they remembered that they were supposed to be chasing a killer clown, and began to chase Pinkie Pie through town.
“Oh boy, Tag!” Pinkie shrieked like a banshee. “I love tag! How about hide and seek next?”
Seeing a nearby sewer grate, Pinkie used her insane elastic skeleton powers to squeeze herself into the drain, because fuck anatomy. She waited there until the mob had passed, smiling that her prank had gone so well.
She knew that she’d totally nailed IT.
-End-
