Oops

by Knight of the Raven

Rating: teen
Tags: Flash Sentry, Main 6, Spike, Comedy, Random
Length: 2196

That awkward moment when Twilight gave birth to a centaur.

This is the happiest day in Twilight's life.

But Fate is kind of a jerk, so naturally things go south.

Rated Teen for sexual references.

Published 2017-09-21 16:00:11 UTC
Last updated 2017-09-21 16:00:11 UTC

Oops

The sun was singing goth metal songs upon Equestria and the birds were shining, blinding countless ornithologists across the landscape. This reversal prompted several the-end-is-nigh groups all over the country, but since the world threatened to end an average of thrice a month, nobody paid them any attention except for free drugs. All the while, in the magnificent palace of Canterlot, Discord giggled foalishly to himself as he thought of more 'improvements' to grace ponies with after winning a bet and replacing Celestia for a day.

But all this mess meant little to Twilight Sparkle. Today was the best day of her life, and though she felt more tired than she could remember ever being, pride of an entirely new yet not unwelcome kind swelled her heart. She lay on a bed in the best hospital of the Crystal Empire, resisting the urge to burst into a happy song as she waited for her friends, including and most of all her husband, to come visit her.

Only he and her six best friends had been able to make it, crushing her spirits slightly. Celestia couldn't attend the joyous event because of crucial peace talks. They obviously concerned the griffons, because they're the only nation in the world interested in invading Equestria and want to crush freedom under their paws or talons or whatever. It couldn't have been the minotaurs, who'd need to find a way out of their stupid maze to be a credible threat anyway, and it couldn't have been the changelings either because you just don't negotiate with someone wearing that stupid little crown.

Crowns were serious business.

Luna wasn't here because no one had told her ponies had used a new calendar for the past six centuries. She would incidentally blame Discord and kick him in the crotch upon her return from a confused hospital several months later, more because he happened to be the closest target at hoof than anything. Discord would reportedly be less of a jerk for quite a while, to everyone's relief.

Cadence, Shining Armor and their daughter were absent, for their part, because the former had trusted her husband with a map to this hospital she'd never visited before. They were last seen asking for directions to a pegasus adventurer somewhere in Zebrica. As for her parents, they were only background ponies and nobody cared about them.

Starlight's own reason for failing to show up was unclear to any of the named characters within the hospital, though they suspected she was making out with Trixie somewhere at the moment. Which admittedly was what they suspected every single time they didn't know where she was and even some times where they did know. But that didn't matter to them right now, for they were actually greatly relieved about Starlight's absence.

They really weren't in the mood to find out how exactly they could be Worfed in a situation where there's no conceivable way to be Worfed in the first place.

Finally, Flash Sentry was allowed inside. Twilight's beaming smile at him was returned with joy. "I can't believe it," he said as he trotted to her side.

"I get you," replied Twilight, gazing lovingly in his eyes. Romancophobes - that's a word - within ten miles felt the urge to puke. "I hardly believe it myself." She looked away and towards the ceiling, deep in thought. "The staff's reluctance didn't help either."

Flash rubbed the back of his head. "Yeah. They've been overworked lately."

Twilight tilted her head. "Did they mention why?"

Flash nodded. "Yeah. They said something about 'several simultaneous cases of third degree sideburns and slack tongues' that drove the psychiatrists and doctors crazy for a whole week."

Twilight just stared at him. "What."

"They said they suspect it was because of princess Cadence's decision to make up for the crystal ponies' lost time with an empire-wide rerun marathon of the most famous soap opera of the seventies."

Her stare had become so blank you could probably make money off it. "What."

Massaging the nape of his neck uneasily, Flash shrugged. "I didn't understand either. I don't even know what these 'seventies' are."

Before Twilight could be spurred into her dreaded 'I must know' rage mode, the rest of her best friends came in, sparing the hospital from being traumatized like never before.

"The princess and her loyal guard. This is so romantic," cooed Rarity as soon as she walked in, because she's been pigeonholed as the romance addict of the cast since day one. She looked around, confusion etched on her face. "The baby's not with you?"

Twilight shook her head, frowning. "No. They claimed they needed to figure out something before they brought him or her here."

Surprise washed over Rarity's face. "They didn't even tell you whether it's a colt or a filly?"

Again, Twilight shook her head. "No. The room lapsed into silence when they finally came out."

"Maybe half-alicorn babies are different," ventured Pinkie. "Maybe they look like-"

A nurse entered at this point, saving the room's occupants and, much more importantly, the author from Pinkie's overactive imagination. Rainbow Dash shuddered just at the thought while the nurse walked closer, a worried look on her face and a bundle of cloth in her foreleg.

Twilight's eyebrows drooped at her expression. "Is something wrong?" she asked with dread as the nurse laid the bundle on her belly.

The nurse stared blankly at her. "You tell me," she said before taking the foal out of the cloth and resting it on Twilight's stomach.

Screeches of abject terror followed as eight pairs of eyes settled on what could only be called a baby centaur.

Once the screams had subsided, and once the nurse had finished massaging her temples while complaining about echoing rooms, something more understandable than disgusted animal noises added another echo.

"Twi," asked Applejack cautiously, "have you been... visiting Tirek by any chance?"

Twilight's face turned green. "What? Of course not!" she yelled as she threw her forehooves up in the air.

Just as Applejack gave the new mother her best 'for really reals' face, Rainbow Dash, ever the fearless pony, walked closer and poked at the baby with the tip of one forehoof. It gurgled at her in response and Rainbow Dash felt her spine shudder with disgust as she pulled away.

"Creepiest thing ever," she concluded, "and I've seen Flurry Heart."

Everyone else save for the nurse, who was asking herself why she hadn't hightailed out of the room already, glared at Rainbow Dash.

"What? It's true."

The glares hardened.

"You can't tell me you weren't lying through your teeth when you said you never saw a cuter baby."

Several variations of "we weren't lying!" followed, causing Rainbow Dash to prove that her own 'for really reals' glare could beat Applejack's to a pulp and steal its lunch money any day of the week.

Annoyingly for her, none withered under that glare, and Rainbow Dash stated her thoughts. "And I thought Twilight had bad taste."

This caused Flash Sentry to react at last, who wasn't not mentioned before because he's so bland even the narration forgot about him, honest. "What is that supposed to mean?"

Rainbow Dash cranked that one glare up to eleven at him, and he shriveled under it just as all of Twilight's other friends cleared their throats uneasily.

The thing in Twilight's forelegs warbled noisily then, taking everyone back to the issue at hoof.

Spike, slightly offended that the narration remembered about him later than about Flash Sentry, spoke up. "Actually, it reminds me of something other than Tirek."

Twilight buried her head in her hooves. "Don't call my baby 'it.'"

Spike went on unabated and stared at Twilight. "It reminds me of humans."

Several blinks followed. "Humans?"

Rainbow Dash's eyebrows shot up her forehead. "Oh, right! Those things on the anatomy magazines with a weird name Twilight keeps hidden under her bed."

The room cooled several degrees as it lapsed into silence. All eyes turned to Rainbow Dash, then to the baby, finally to Twilight. Except for the nurse, who was begging the narration to let her flee the room and was only answered with a "no" and an evil laugh, and Twilight herself, who sunk underneath her bed's covers with a blush.

"Anatomy magazines?" Applejack repeated, before blinking twice. "Wait, Rainbow Dash knows the word 'anatomy?'"

"You're one to talk," drawled Rarity.

"What's that supposed to mean?" inquired Rainbow Dash with narrowing eyes.

Applejack gave her glare a chance to redeem itself. Rainbow Dash's racked it and then gave it a wedgie.

Looking thoroughly unimpressed, Spike spoke again. "Oh, yeah, those magazines. I don't understand why she chose some where they're all naked when they wear clothes most of the time." He scratched his earhole. "Don't get why they're called 'Playgirl' either."

That Spike didn't wither under the stares of most of the ponies in the room proved that he was made of sterner stuff than a nuclear shelter.

Flash Sentry cleared his throat and turned to his wife. "Dear, what exactly were you doing the last time you went to this 'human world?'"

Only Twilight's horn peeked out from beneath the covers at this point. A small "oops?" was all she said.

"How could you!?"

Twilight's forelegs rose from under the cover. "They can do things you can't imagine with their hands."

Spike's pupils shrunk to pinpricks and he stared at his claws with newfound horror. "Get them off me, get them off me!"

"Relax, you have claws, not hands," reassured Applejack, without looking away from Twilight. "And yeah, I don't think I can imagine that."

A voice that sent shivers down all their spines followed. "I can help!"

This prompted the narration to release the nurse and allow her to turn tail and gallop out of the room, thus proving herself to be the only one familiar with the concept of common sense within the room. Meanwhile, disco music had started playing and a large disco ball sprouted out of the middle of the ceiling with a loud pop.

Dancing squares of lights spanning from one end of the rainbow to the other covered every inch of the room until the ball opened up like a blooming flower. A large tongue lazily rolled out of the opening until it hit the ground, revealing Discord once it was completely unfurled.

A wall-sized paper screen stretched out from the top of the ceiling down to the ground with a funny noise to cover the entrance just as the disco ball and its associated lights and music popped out of existence with a quiet "I'll be back."

Dread had filled the room as soon as the first note had played and reached its critical mass when Discord leaned leisurely on thin air and summoned a remote in his paw. He quickly pressed its sole button with his thumb, uttering a single word that would have sent lesser ponies scurrying for cover.

"Marvel."

A scene of pure bestial lust played out before their eyes. All pupils in attendance shrunk to pixel-sized dots as they saw two naked, hairless monkeys bump uglies. Then these same pupils reverted back to their original size before tripling in size as the teenaged couple explored every possible position along with some even Pinkie Pie couldn't pull off, because everypony in Equestria is a closet pervert.

Everypony save for Rainbow Dash that is, who remained frozen like a deer surprised by headlights, since she's asexual because genes are jerks who enjoy to crush all the ships, see them driven before them and hear the lamentations of their shippers like that.

After the grand finale, or rather the eleventh and actually final one, Discord clapped his hands and the screen disappeared in a puff of smoke, then he clapped once more with a joyful "that's how!"

He then jumped in the air and came down into the floor like a jackhammer until he vanished out of sight. An instant later, the ceiling rumbled and Discord drilled through it as well, any rubble created in the process turning into fireflies that blinked out of existence with a "wryyy." Once he was entirely back inside the room, he curtsied and moonwalked on the ceiling out of the room.

The room was left with an awkward silence of biblical proportions. Which was something since there wasn't even a bible in this universe to begin with.

"That was disgusting!" shrieked Rarity eventually, voicing everyone's thoughts.

"That was hot," whispered Fluttershy, also voicing everyone's thoughts save another pegasus'.

Rainbow Dash tried to summon captain For really reals to deal with that last comment, but it delegated the task to corporal What. before running away while screaming like a Rarity surrounded by last month's fashion.

Silence then returned and was making plans about its iron-fisted rule when Fluttershy spoke up.

"Are there any other humans interested in sex with ponies turned into humans?"

Corporal What. was instantly promoted to the next rank, then to general of all reactions upon the chorus of agreements, and Rainbow Dash idly wondered if the hospital had a psychiatrist who wasn't burned out.