NOW YOU BUCKED UP.
Twilight Sparkle was not pleased. She stared down at her group of friends, all of whom at least had the sense to look bashful. Well, except for Rainbow Dash. She beamed with a sense of perverted pride. The rest of her friends, up to and including Starlight Glimmer, had all found much more interesting things to stare at. Like the floor. Or their hooves.
Oh, and Trixie was there, too, staring at the far wall.
The princess paced back and forth behind her massive stone seat, as her friends had all taken up their chairs around the Cutie Map. Starlight had taken Twilight’s chair, and Trixie had somehow made herself comfortable in Spike’s small seat. When she was done pacing back and forth, Twilight then opted to walk around the room, glaring daggers at some ponies, and simply looking disapprovingly at others.
“SO.” she said finally, in a very authoritative tone. Most everypony jumped. “I received a very, very interesting letter from Princess Celestia this morning.”
There were some quiet murmurs.
“You all know Princess Celestia, right? Ruler of Equestria for over fifteen hundred years? My beloved teacher, second mother, guide and confidant? THE MARE WHO MOVES THE SUN?!”
Fluttershy seemed to be going for a new record in making herself small, with fierce competition from Rarity. Pinkie Pie and Applejack seemed to be looking all over the room, and whenever their eyes met, they would deepen several shades of vermilion, and immediately look away. Starlight had taken to poking at the map, while Trixie simply kept staring at the wall. As if willing herself to disappear, not by magic, but by sheer force of will.
Rainbow just looked around the room smugly.
Twilight Sparkle summoned a small scroll out of nowhere, and let it roll open. It wasn’t very long, yet still intimidating, in that it bore the Royal Seal of Canterlot. As in, Celestia hadn’t even sent a personal letter to her student, instead opting to use royal stationery and send it through the most official channels possible. She cleared her throat, and read aloud:
“’Dear Princess Twilight’. Not ‘Dear Twilight.’ Not ‘My Most Faithful Student.’ ‘PRINCESS’,” she growled.
Again, she cleared her throat, as if to dislodge some of her pent up anger.
“Dear Princess Twilight,
It has come to the attention of the diarchy that, at approximately ten oh four last evening, no less than seven mares were seen entering the Obsidian Archives. As you are no doubt aware, given your position and academic background, these archives are restricted to all except the Princesses of Equestria, as they cannot be opened by anypony other than an alicorn.
“Or so it had been assumed. As it seems, the vault doors can be bypassed by a unicorn of significant magical talent, a pegasus of significant speed, and an earth pony of significant strength. Barring the presence of such ponies,” she continued, in a voice that seemed to quash a sense of pride arising in certain ponies present, “it seems two of each will suffice. You may rest assured that these methods will no longer function going forward. We have also taken steps against using time travel to send oneself to such a time as to predate the creation of said vault, hide inside it, then return to the present and open it from the inside. Which also seems to have taken place, as if somepony had left and decided to come back by themselves. On a related note, the diarchy requests the return of any and all tomes currently in the possession of a one Starlight Glimmer that should not be.”
The pink unicorn flinched impressively as Twilight shot her a look that said, in no uncertain terms, that the next few forevers would be filled to the brim with unpleasantness.
“The initial access of the Vault notwithstanding, there are several other issues that need to be addressed. As neither I, Princess Celestia, nor my sister, Princess Luna, are capable of making a personal appearance to attend to these issues ourselves, as we are currently still cleaning up the mess, which is of such a size, proportion, and magical nature as to require the presence of both ourselves and Princess Cadence, we shall disclose these issues in this letter, and leave it as your royal responsibility to resolve them personally. As soon as possible, if not sooner.
“The first is the blatant disregard for the Living Tomes Division. Many of these books were not only affronted by the presence of several naked mares, as they were mostly if not all created in a time where everypony wore clothes, as is listed on the large gold placard at the front of the Division, they have since taken it among themselves to start a revolution to re-clothe the population of Equestria. Princess Cadence is currently tasked with keeping them in the Vault, and explaining to them the advancements of fashion and decency in the last two thousand years. Please inform Miss Rarity that yelling at magical tomes about fashion, when each contains enough magic to recreate the Frozen North is ill-advised.”
Rarity squeaked as Twilight almost trampled past her, stomping so loudly as to echo throughout the room.
“The second issue to be addressed is the illegal entry into the Archive of Forbidden Relics, which is only ever to be accessed by Princess Luna herself, or the attending Archivist. Such reckless abandon is more likely than not to activate the relics in random order, as they are set off by the mere presence of another consciousness. I, Princess Celestia, would personally demand the return of Lockheart the Mad’s Imperial Celebration Trebuchet from a one Miss Pinkemina Diane Pie. BEFORE SHE SETS IT OFF AGAIN. As you may now be aware, Lockheart’s idea of a ‘Celebration’ was a nationally encompassing wave of inebriation and sexual deviancy. We would like to also make note to a one Miss Applejack that the appropriate response to the question ‘What does this do?’ is not ’Turn it on and see what happens.’ We are very fortunate that the many, many, many safety protocols surrounding the Archive limited the effect to the immediate vicinity of the device, although such condensation of magic does seem to enhance the effects.”
The two aforementioned Earth ponies had grown very very quiet, and had become entirely incapable of looking at each other. Twilight moved on, standing next to Fluttershy and Trixie.
“The next issue that has been brought to our attention, so recently as to warrant an extension of this letter seeing as it was brought to my attention as I was writing the previous section, is the blatant disregard for safety of the Mythical Creatures Habitat. This underground biome was created with the intent of preserving the last of any mythical and magical species on the brink of extinction. NOT A PETTING ZOO. Also, please extend our condolences to a miss Beatrix Lulamoon for the rather inappropriate conduct of the Hectahorned OmniHydra, who’s mating cycle seems to have coincided very poorly with her arrival and subsequent attempt to ride on its back. We have been assured that there is no chance of a cross-species impregnation, and have included a small supply of painkillers and topical creams. Also included is a royal pardon from any and all punishments deemed appropriate by attending royalty, as being mounted by a twelve-ton fifty-headed ancient reptile, no matter how gentle he claims to have been, is punishment enough so as to pardon Tirek to walk free. Also, please inform Fluttershy that she is no longer allowed within five hundred metres of the Royal Canterlot Wildlife Preserve, the Canterlot Gardens, nor the entrance to the Vault, until such time as the effects of the Hate-Spewing Devil Skunk has worn off, and she no longer provokes magically-inclined creatures to rampage uncontrollably and say horrible things about other creature’s mothers. This should take approximately ten moons, according to Princess Luna. We have also included a pardon for Miss Fluttershy as a result, as we are aware this may impede her ability to do her job, and affect her income. She may not seek any recompense from the Crown for lost wages as a result.”
Twilight took one look at Trixie, and her thousand-mile stare, and flinched. She wouldn’t be yelling at that unicorn, not for awhile. Fluttershy just whimpered into herself and muttered something about how her mother was a nice pony who wouldn’t do such things for money.
“And finally, we wish to offer our congratulations to Rainbow Dash, whose presence at the archives is the only one who can be excused, having been summoned by the Cutie Map to solve a Friendship problem in regards to the aforementioned Archivist. Deep School has vocalized his desire to take on an apprentice, and end his life of solitude as the lone guard of the Vaults. This is a development that the diarchy has been working towards for quite a while, and as such we have also enclosed a pardon Miss Rainbow Dash in regards to her presence in the Obsidian Archives, as she was there on Royal Friendship duties not accounted for when the laws for the Vaults were initially drafted. Deep has also requested her mailing address, as he enjoys having somepony to discuss Daring Do books with.”
Rainbow Dash continued looking around the room with a smug expression, simply having to be there by virtue of being the entire reason they’d gone to the Vaults in the first place.
“In conclusion, we are leaving the discipline of Miss Pie, Miss Applejack, Miss Rarity, and a one Miss Starlight Glimmer to you, Princess Twilight Sparkle. We advise the use of Category 4 punishments as set forth by the Chaos Accords. Yes, those punishments. We will be sending a shipment of chalkboards, annoying music, and unsupervised children armed with energy drinks and free puppies to your residence, to distribute at your discretion. You may only keep one of the puppies.
Signed,
Princess Celestia.”
Twilight glowered at the room as a whole with such fury as to qualify for a replacement should the sun tag out for the day. She summoned several pieces of official paper, and one scrap of writing, distributing the previously mentioned pardons to there recipients. Rainbow Dash was given the scrap of paper, which bore a rather curious mailing address to Deep School.
Starlight was the first to speak after a very long silence. “Now Twilight, I can understand why you’re upset-”
“NO. NO YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND.”
She leaned against the table, obviously distressed. After a few deep breaths, she lifted her hooves in the air and cried, “Why didn’t you take MEEEEEEE?!”
