Super Short Clopfics!

by Admiral Biscuit

Rating: mature
Tags: Main 6, Lyra, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Second Person, Comedy, Mayor Mare, Romance, Trixie, Sex, Tragedy, Limestone Pie, Random, Human
Length: 3096

Because sometimes you don't want an epic tale about how things got to that point, y'know? Or to put it another way, this story gets to the meat (heh) of the matter.

There is a time and place for long, detailed clopfics. Like waiting in line at the DMV, or a wedding, when you've got an hour or two to kill.

And then there's a time for these. There's always time for these, since they're so darned short.

As Morbo says, prepare to be disappointed!

Now with a reading by Lotus Moon

Published 2017-09-25 00:20:11 UTC
Last updated 2019-09-05 01:26:40 UTC

A changeling

"Can I fuck one of your holes?"

Pinkie Pie

You're stretched out on your back, your face completely covered by Pinkie Pie's perfect pink plot. Your tongue is deep inside the folds of her pussy as she moans and writhes on top of you.

"Ooh, I'm so close!"

You redouble your efforts, one hand roaming around her cutie mark while a finger explores her tight ponut.

You're distracted for a moment as she bobs her head back down again, effortlessly taking your dick into her mouth, slathering it with her tongue as she deepthroats you, and then you can feel her muscles clench as she cums.

There's a brief splash of mare juices, followed by the sound of a kazoo, and then an explosion of confetti fills your mouth.

You hastily shove Pinkie Pie off your face as you struggle to cough up completely unexpected party supplies.

Pinkie is kind enough to stop her blowjob for long enough to slap your back encouragingly with a hoof. "I should have warned you about that."

Lyra

Of course you hooked up with Ponyville's resident anthropologist.

At first, you weren't going to, but she said that Bon Bon would be there, too, and you were always up for a threesome.

It wasn't what you had in mind: after you got undressed, Lyra had examined you much like a wolf contemplating its dinner, although the two of you eventually start making out.

While Bon Bon sits on her side of the bed, just watching.

"Bon Bon, look! He's got his fingers inside me!"

Bon Bon gives you a disapproving look.

In the sense that if ants worshiped Ra, they might consider sunlight through a magnifying glass a disapproving look.

This was not how you anticipated a threesome with Lyra and Bon Bon going.

Nurse Snowheart 2

Even before the blurriness has fully resolved, you recognize the concerned face of Nurse Snowheart.

"Ugh, what happened?" you manage to stammer out.

"You died."

You sigh. "And here I thought 'if looks could kill' was only an expression."

Incidental Background Mare #9

"Wanna come back to my place and make the beast with two backs?"

You nod eagerly and slam down the rest of your drink. Who knew that you could turn hay into alcohol? And it's actually pretty good after the third one or so, when you can't really taste what you're drinking any more.

The walk thorough town passes in kind of a blur, but you finally arrive at her house, which is actually a little ways into the Everfree Forest.

As you step into her bedroom, you're still sober enough to note the axe collection on the wall.

You exit through her bedroom window at a dead run.

Author's Note

Incidental Background Mare #9

Trixie

"Watch as the Great and Powerful Trixie makes your dick disappear!"

You hold up a hand to forestall her. "As long as it comes back at the end of whatever you're about to do."

"Of course! Do you take me for some two-bit hack illusionist?"

Maybe, you think almost loudly enough for her to hear.

Mayor Mare

Why Mayor Mare doesn't have a coltfriend is beyond you. Sure, she's a little bit older, but she clearly used that time to her advantage, gaining experience that the younger mares you've hooked up with seem to lack.

Her pacing is perfect, bringing you to plateaus of pleasure you've never experienced before.

Even though you want to keep going, after your third shattering climax you're completely spent, left with nothing but memories of a night you'll never forget. It's lucky that your body breathes for you, because otherwise you'd probably just fade off into oblivion . . . and to be honest, there is probably no better way to go.

You drift off to sleep with your arm wrapped tightly around her, hoping against hope that after a full night of sleep you might recover enough for another round in the morning.

Nurse Snowheart 3

You've decided that the sudden appearance of strange red spots on your legs is worth having examined professionally. While you might have been able to ignore them if they'd just stayed below the knee, they're starting to creep ever closer to the groin, and it's probably best to have them looked at before they make it to the party zone.

As usual, you wind up with Nurse Snowheart giving you your preliminary examination. Whether she meant to or not, she's suddenly become the resident expert on human males.

She studies your legs intently, her muzzle occasionally brushing up against your leg hair. At least this time you were able to keep your underwear on, which is a plus.

Finally, she nods, and looks up at you. "You've got fleas."

Limestone Pie

"Is it in yet? Because I can't feel anything. God, you're so bad at this."

Pinkie Pie and Applejack

"It ain't like that," Applejack says.

"I dunno where you got that idea that all ponies are secretly lesbians, silly."

As painful as it is, being shot down on your idea of an actual threesome is less hurtful when it comes from the pink party pony. "Ah, well, I just thought it wouldn't hurt to ask."

"Ah appreciate that." Applejack tips her cowpony hat. "An I appreciate you understandin' that your fantasies ain't the same as reality."

You nod. "It's probably best that we never bring this up again."

"Filly scout's honor."

"Cross my heart and hope to fly; stick a cupcake in my eye."

You wave at the two mares, then start walking back towards town.

Once you'd made your way around the bend, Applejack and Pinkie Pie looked at each other.

"Hey, AJ, are you doing anything this afternoon?"

"Nope."

"Wanna go behind the barn and fuck?"

"Ah thought you'd never ask."

Twilight Sparkle

"Do we really have to do this?"

Twilight nods. "It's for science!."

"Fine." You cross your arms. "But I want to set out a few ground rules first. One: we are having sex at the end of this."

"Of course!" She grins brightly at you. "It wouldn't be much of an experiment if we didn't."

"Okay, good." You fold down one finger and continue. "Second: no anal probes."

"Are you sure?"

You nod.

"But what about Rarity?"

"We will never speak of that again."

"I see." She floats the tape measure away from your dick and writes down some notes in her book. "And Caramel?"

"I was pitching. There's a difference."

"Interesting."

The quill dances around in her aura, and while it's quite fascinating to watch, it's hardly arousing. Even if you've got a mostly unfettered look at her marehood. Finally, she stops writing for a moment. "I hate to ask, but would it be possible to go flaccid for a bit, just so I can take a few more measurements?"

You sigh. "Keep writing in your book, and it's sure to happen."

Twilight beams at you. "Okay, thanks!"

Daisy Jo

One of the things that ponies sadly lack is tits.

Being the creative person that you were, though, you'd managed to find a creature that had knockers that would put Pamela Anderson to shame. Well, one boob anyways.

Thus far, your experiment has had mixed success. The fondling of the boob led to a hand covered in warm milk and while you were fairly sure that was somebody's fetish, it was somewhat disturbingly reminiscent of jerking off—her teats were about the same size as your cock.

Mounting her, on the other hand, went reasonably well after you'd found a stepstool to stand on, and while it was a little bit precarious, her rope-like tail made for a good handgrip. If you closed your eyes and ignored the barn smells and the other cows around you chewing their cud as they watched the two of you fuck, it wasn't that different from—

All of a sudden, you hear hoofsteps, then the voice of Applejack. "Daisy Jo, y'all in the barn?"

Princess Luna

You're asleep in your bed when she comes in through the window. Or maybe she took the stairs; you're a heavy sleeper and even hooves across a wooden floor wouldn't wake you.

Nor, apparently, would a Princess slipping into bed with you.

You were having the most wonderful dream, one which involved having sex with Princess Luna. And then you wake up and she's in bed with you.

It was almost like she somehow knew what you were dreaming.

"Dost thou wish to have sex with us?"

"Before I say yes, who exactly is us?

Luna wrinkles her muzzle. "'Tis the royal 'we.'"

You did feel a bit of dampness on your leg, which you'd assumed was her arousal. Well, no matter.

"Alright, let's do this." You give her a kiss right on the nose, then push back the covers and shove your pajama pants down.

Luna's ears drop slightly. "Thine penis looked bigger in the dreamscape."

"Should we go back there?" That's probably a dumb question, but you never know.

She shakes her head. "Nay; there is little satisfaction to be found solely in the mind."

"If you say so." You run your hand down her back. "Um, what do you want me to do?"

"What do we want thee to do? Put thy tiny monkey penis in us and fuck our brains out."

Well, that was a simple enough answer.

Luna is a screamer.

Scratch that, Luna is a shouter.

"PUT IT IN FURTHER!"

"That's as far as it goes," you say.

"THAN THRUST FASTER!"

You oblige her, and for a moment, her volume diminishes. But only for a moment.

"OH YES, OH YES, RIGHT THERE! NAY, KEEP GOING. GRAB OUR WINGS AND PULL."

Surely by now all your neighbors are awake.

"THAT'S IT, GIVE US A PROPER DICKING!"

Surely by now all of Ponyville is awake.

You thrust forward and feel her clench down around your shaft. "Princess, I'm about to--"

"DON'T YOU DARE PULL OUT!!!"

Surely they heard that in Canterlot.

You hope that Princess Celestia isn't a protective older sister.

Because if she is, you're a dead man.

The End

With Great Power

You’d never expected to score with Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria and protector of these lands.

You’re still not completely sure that’s what’s going to happen, but her peytral, crown, and two hoof boots are already off, tossed carelessly around the room. You’re rubbing her nipples and she’s got a hoof down your pants.

“Here,” she whispers breathlessly, slipping a jeweled amulet around your neck.

“What’s this for?”

“That you might survive.”

Applejack

This is the moment you've been waiting for. Through guile or good luck, you've finally managed to get Applejack alone in her room. Well, alone except for you.

She's stretched out on the bed, clearly ready for you, so you strip off all your clothes, tossing them carelessly in a pile on the floor.

You climb into bed and trace your finger down the ruff of her coat, eliciting a quiet giggle from the farmpony.

She leans over and nibbles your ear, then whispers quietly: "I like it short and weird."

Rarity

"I'm up for whatever," you say somewhat confidently. After all, you're in Carousal Boutique, stripped down to just your leopard print banana hammock.

"I'd hoped you'd say that," Rarity says seductively. "It's so rare to find a stallion who's into pegging."

Before you can protest, she emerges from her dressing room sporting an accessory which could best be described as an elephant trunk.

You'd run, but you're firmly attached to the bed with four pairs of fur-lined handcuffs.

Rainbow Dash

"And what is the nature of the injury, dearie?"

You blush. "Um, are there any male doctors?"

Nurse Snowheart lets out a long sigh. "Yes; however, I am fully qualified to diagnose your injury, and in fact I or one of the other nurses will be taking your vital signs, changing your dressings, providing your bedpans, and so forth. Now, if you would still prefer to speak only with Dr. Stable directly, I can put a note on your file and he will get to you as soon as possible. Or, you can just show me, and treatment can begin right away."

"Fine." You unzip your pants and in one smooth motion shuck both them and your underwear.

Nurse Snowheart's jaw drops. "What did you stick that in; a bear trap?"

You sigh deeply. "Rainbow Dash. She said she could finish me in twenty seconds flat, and . . . well. . . . " You don't add "Is it bad?" because of course it's bad. Mr. Stiffy might never be the same again.

Now it's her turn to blush. "I'm so sorry. Quite unprofessional." She reaches out a hoof to touch your member, then reconsiders. "I think it's broken."

"I'm sure it's broken. My dick never had a bend like that before. The more important question is can you fix it?"

Nurse Snowheart 4

"Again?"

You nod miserably at Nurse Snowheart's disapproving look.

"What is it this time?"

You're not even embarrassed any more. You and Snowheart have that kind of professional relationship now. You unzip your pants and drop trou, allowing her to look at the afflicted area.

She studies your dick thoughtfully, and it's interesting how you can almost see her thought process by the way her ears flick.

"This looks like frostbite," she finally says, lifting your dick to study the underside. "But it's in the middle of the summer. How the hay did you get frostbite on your penis?"

"I fucked a ghost."

Caramel

"You ever think it's weird to be constantly seeing pussy everywhere you go? How come stallions aren't horny 24/7?"

"Erf."

"Sorry." You pull back just a little bit. "How's that?"

"Better, thanks." Caramel flicks his tail and shifts his hind legs around. The position doesn't look particularly comfortable to you, but then your knees bend the opposite way. "I guess if it's something you see all the time, you don't really think about it."

"I guess that makes sense."

"Seeing somepony in a saddle, now that's a turn on. For me, at least."

"Yeah, not so much here. It just seems weird." You move your fingers under Caramel's dock, gathering your hand around his tail.

For a moment, you can't quite process what you've just revealed, and then you suddenly realize that you've make a mistake.

"Something wrong?" he asks.

Yes, something is wrong; somehow you managed to drink enough that you didn't realize you were (successfully) hitting on a stallion.

Then again, it isn't any weirder than fucking a ghost.

"Nah," you reassure him, pushing your head against his tight butthole.

Aloe and Lotus

You're stretched out on one of the massage tables at the spa, while one of the spa ponies works on your back. Aloe or Lotus, you're not sure which one is which. They're basically interchangeable, anyways.

Being in the spa is a lot like being in the women's locker room, except nobody is shrieking and covering themselves and telling you to get out before they call the cops. You can look all you want, and nobody cares.

Well, you could, but the massage tables are in a private room.

Still, the memories of looking around the spa proper—and the current feeling of a mare working over your back—have caused nature to take its course, and you're a bit reluctant to roll over when Aloe (or Lotus) asks you to roll over.

Only a little bit reluctant, though.

She has provided you with a little towel, which does absolutely nothing to hide your tent pole.

"So," you say, "How about a happy ending?"

It never ceases to amaze you how ponies can do human-like things, despite the lack of hands. Such as literally throwing you out of the spa, for example. Granted, it took both the spa twins to accomplish it, but they got you a respectable distance away.

Unfortunately, they weren't kind enough to throw your clothes out.

Fluttershy

You're walking along the path to Fluttershy's cottage, a box of chocolates in one hand, a bunch of flowers in the other, and thoughts of romance in your mind.

You're not sure if she'd rather eat the flowers or the chocolates, but you're prepared for either.

Fluttershy should have been your first choice. She's quiet and shy and likes animals and probably won't be too rough in bed, unlike Rainbow Dash. She's almost certainly got a cure for fleas, unlike the mayor. And if she has some weird kink, you're sure she'll ask you first. Unlike Rarity.

Plus, she's about the cutest pony in town. It turns out she was even a supermodel once.

Back on Earth, it would be leaked nudes; over here it's leaked unnudes. You cover a snicker.

Your snicker covers a rustling noise in the bushes, and you run right into Big Mac. He eyes the flowers and the chocolates critically.

"Goin' to Fluttershy's cottage?"

The path doesn't really go anywhere else, so you simply nod.

"Thought so." Big Mac pauses to collect his thoughts. "Ah'm not a pony of many words, so Ah'll make it easy. If you hurt her, we'll hurt you."

"We?"

Big Mac nods over your shoulder. Bulk Biceps has landed behind you.

"Look," you say. "Let's be reasonable, guys. Big Mac, you're dating Sugar Belle or Cheerilee or Marble Pie or . . . well, I don't even know. No need to compete."

"Ain't about me."

"Yeah!"

"And Fluttershy's an adult. She can make her own choices."

"'Course she can. And if she wants to"--his face twists like he's sucking on a lemon--"roll in the hay with you, that's her business. And if you hurt her, that's our business."

"What about. . . ." You bite your tongue. Telling Big Mac that you fucked Applejack is probably a bad idea.

"Ah know you an' AJ did it. I don't care about that, neither. If she didn't like it, she could break you in half."

"Yeah!"

You think about telling Big Mac and Bulk Biceps that you haven't meant to hurt anypony, and you think about telling him that the only party who's gotten hurt in your many midnight assignations has been you, but instead you take the coward's way out. You hand him the box of chocolates and give Bulk Biceps the flowers, and then you turn around and slink back towards town.