Twilight sat up a little straighter when Spike landed in front of her, neatly shutting her textbook with a paw.
"Spike! What the heck? I need to study - "
"You're passing that class with flying colours, Twilight. You don't need to study as much as we need to talk."
"Huh?" She blinked and absently adjusted her glasses. "Talk? About what?"
Spike padded across the desk towards her, lifting his head to press his little doggy nose against hers. It would have been cute if not for the frosty look in his eyes. "Where are my balls, Twilight?"
"Huh?"
"My balls. Where are they Twilight?"
"Your ball is in your basket."
"No. Not my ball. My balls."
Understanding crept down her spine, chased by a deep shiver that she herself hadn't predicted this conversation would someday come when her cute little puppy gained sentience and vocal chords. Well, it wasn’t the first thing that sprang to mind in such a miraculous event, was it? And yet, here she was, staring down a thousand-yard glare from a puppy dog whose eyes had suddenly taken on the attributes of razor-edged emeralds.
"Um ... well ... you see ..." She adjusted her glasses so much her sweaty fingers slipped and accidentally poked her in the eye. "Ow! Damn it –"
"I'm waiting." And indeed, Spike sat down on her physics textbook and tapped one hind leg impatiently. “I want an answer please, Twilight. All things considered, I’d say I’m being pretty polite about this. Where. Are. My. Balls?”
"Um ... well, when my parents finally agreed that I could have a puppy there were certain ... conditions attached to it."
Spike arched an eyebrow. It had not yet stopped being disturbing to see that expression on a dog. "Conditions?"
"Y-yeah. They said I had to be a responsible pet owner. You see Momma and Pop-Pop ... are very socially conscious people. They're aware of the ... bigger picture when it comes to ... things."
Spike frowned. "What does this have to do with my balls, Twilight?"
"They have a keener understanding than a lot of people about what pet owning entails - um, so to speak." Twilight feigned a smile. It cut as much ice as a soap hacksaw. "Like ... getting you chipped and registered and all your shots and ..." She swallowed. "Neutered." She tried again to swallow the boiled egg she had somehow ingested, whole and still in its shell, in the last thirty seconds. The lump in her throat refused to budge. “You see unwanted canine and feline populations are at a record high in the US at the moment, so all pet owners who don’t intend to breed their animals have a responsibility to-”
"I don't remember my life up to the moment I entered that portal in the same way I remember things now.” Spike narrowed his eyes. “It's all very ... hazy."
“Oh?”
"Yeah. Regular dogs don't really do cognitive reasoning. They don’t understand A plus B equals C. I didn’t either. Until now. We do emotions really well though. So. Dogs do emotion really, really well. Happiness especially." He inhaled and drew himself up. "I’m not happy right now, Twilight. I’m not happy at all. I would like them back please."
"Wh-what?"
"My balls. I’m willing to forgive you for taking them if you give them back please."
Twilight's eyes widened. "You ... what?"
"Reattach them."
"I don't keep them in the house!"
“Are they in your locker at school?”
“What? No! I wasn’t the one who took them. The vet was!”
"So go to the vet's place and fetch them." He tilted his head to one side, "You do know fetch, right?"
"I ... you ... Spike, it doesn't work that way!"
"Huh?"
"They don't keep the ... bits they cut off."
"They don't?"
"No."
"So what do they do with them?" Now it was Spike's turn for wide eyes. "They don't eat them do they?"
"No!" Twilight adjusted her glasses frantically. "They ... dispose of them. They're considered ... biological ... waste."
“Waste?” A look of horror washed over Spike’s face. "They threw my balls away!?"
"Um ... yes?"
"WHY!?"
"Because they can't keep-"
"No, why would your parents do this to me!? Why would you do this to me!?"
"I ... I ... because otherwise I wasn't allowed to have a puppy -"
"So you mutilated me in order to have a pet!? How many other dogs have had their balls mistreated like this?"
"It wasn't mutilation, it was being responsible-"
Spike leaned back on his haunches and, in an act of truly aerobic stretching, raise both hind legs level with his ears. "Does this not look mutilated to you!?"
"Spike, stop showing me your penis!"
"Look at it Twilight! Look at it!"
Twilight flung her hands over her face. "No! This is ... perverted!"
"Oh please. You regularly pick up my poop and forget to take the baggy out of your coat pocket before you go to class."
"That's called being a responsible pet owner." Twilight peeked out and promptly hid her eyes again. "And forgetful."
"This isn't right." A thump told her Spike had jumped to the floor. "This is repression. Dogs have rights too! The right to a full food bowl, a daily walk and the right to keep our balls!"
"Spike, what are you-?"
"I am going to do something about this! I am going to stir up my brethren! I am going to RETRIEVE MY BALL RIGHTS!"
"Spike, this is ridiculous! Do you know what dogs do with their balls when they're intact?"
"Yes! And it's our right to lick, chew and expose anything we want to! That is the doggy way!"
"Spike -"
The door banged open and little paws scurried away down the corridor. "Rise up, my brethren! Rise up against our human oppressors! Aaaaaoooooooowwwww!"
Slowly, Twilight let her hands slip to her sides where they dangled uselessly for a moment. Then she reached for her cellphone and punched in a number.
"Hello?"
"Fluttershy?"
"Oh hi, Twilight! What's -"
"You know that thing you warned me about?"
"What thing?"
"Spike making a certain ... realistion?"
"Oh. Oh. That thing."
"Yeah, well ... it finally happened."
"Oh dear."
"He says he's going to 'cause his brethren to rise up'?"
Fluttershy sighed into her phone. "I'll meet you at the dog park."
Author's Note
This was the result of a discussion in Fic Readers chat on Skype. I make no apology. :P
