Shivered Timbers' Sexty Minute Ponies

Cloudsdalium
by Shivered Timbers

(Prompt: "Now kiss." Written in 69 minutes, but that wasn't enough to get to the clop. This may be remedied in the future! Thanks to kits for the story suggestion.)

The best part of working in Cloudsdale as a unicorn was not the breathtaking cloud architecture, the soaring and athletic pegasus inhabitants, or even the constant rainbows overhead, heralding constant perfect weather. It was the knowledge that, should she falter in her step or neglect to cast her spell in the morning before climbing out of bed, Rarity would fall to her death.

She had done this once before, years ago, through a combination of fragile spells, poor timing and sheer selfish grandstanding. It had been a most harrowing experience, one that she was not interested in repeating, yet the knowledge that that fall was so close at hoof, every hour of every day, set the tiniest of thrills in her heart and kept her blood pounding.

Of course, some of the athletic, muscular, virile pegasus inhabitants helped with that second part as well. She no longer trusted to magical wings forged from gossamer and morning dew, but the occasional pegasus-assisted flight was a thrill she was loath to pass up. Landing the head costume designer's job with the Wonderbolts, due in no small part to her friendship with newest member Rainbow Dash, had been a dream come true, and Rarity had found, to her amazement, that did in fact possess a small streak of daring, one that she had never been able to exercise upon the ground.

It was this daring that led her to the proposition she was about to suggest to Rainbow Dash, sitting in the stool next to her at downtown Cloudsdale's most prominent juice bar.

"I don't want to say it," Rainbow Dash had been saying, "not out loud, because I'm afraid if I do, it'll become true."

"You can tell me, Rainbow Dash." Rarity had opened one eye as she sipped her guava blend. "It shall not pass my lips thereafter!"

Rainbow Dash had sighed, made as if to take a drink from her glass, passed it back and forth between her hooves, and sighed again.

"I just feel like this isn't working out. Like all my life, all my dreams, have been for absolutely nothing."

Rarity had stayed quiet, but watched her friend intently.

"I made it in," Rainbow had continued, focusing on something indistinct behind the bar, "and some part of me says that's all I ever wanted. I mean, I proved to everypony how good I am. I'm here. Maybe that's enough." She tipped her glass up and downed the rest in one long gulp.

"Rainbow, if it isn't your performance that's faltered, then what, pray tell, is bothering you?"

The glass had left an orange ring on Rainbow's lips and a circular indentation on the cloud counter. "Promise not to tell? Not anypony at all?"

"I have already promised," Rarity had huffed, "but I shall recite the Pinkie promise if it makes you feel better."

Rainbow had shaken her head. "No, that's fine. It's... Ugh, I can't believe I'm having this issue, but...

"See, I met a couple of the Wonderbolts before joining. You know that: Spitfire, Soarin', Fleetfoot. Always at fancy events or while saving the world or something. And I didn't get to know them really at all, sure, but we seemed to get along. Now that I'm part of the team, though..."

She'd turned to Rarity then, eyes intense and hard. "Rarity, I'm just not getting along with my teammates. And I mean bad, in all kinds of ways."

"Do tell."

"We argue. All the time. About everything. Spitfire's the worst, but Soarin' and I nearly came to blows once. They argue with each other, too, so it's not like I'm being singled out, but as the new kid and all..." She'd groaned and leaned back in her chair, covering her eyes. "It's like that first Grand Galloping Gala all over again: not what I imagined."

That was when Rarity's ever-so-daring idea had come to mind. Yet this was a friend she was talking to: one could not simply blurt out such ideas at the first thought.

"What sorts of arguments do you have?"

"I dunno. All of them. What we're wearing, who flies in what wing, where to sleep, what to eat. Spitfire gets offended sometimes at what I say. Half the time, I think she's just making it up."

Rarity nodded. "How does that make you feel?"

Rainbow turned to her, looking like she'd swallowed a bug. "How do you think I feel? I feel awful! I really... I mean, I want them to like me, right? Is that so much to ask?"

Rarity put a hoof on Rainbow's shoulder, and the pegasus seemed to get the hint. She turned her head and smiled apologetically to a couple at a booth before turning back.

"Sorry for shouting. But really, don't you think that, if we're going to fly like a well-oiled machine, we need to get along like one when we're not flying?"

"That does sound most logical, and I think you're right," Rarity said.

Rainbow thumped her head onto the bar, and it sank slowly into the cloud, which muffled her wailing. "What am I gonna do?"

Rarity took a deep breath. "Rainbow, I am going to phrase this very intentionally, so that you understand the gravity of what I am suggesting:

"You need to fuck."

Judging by the volume and duration of her coughing, Rainbow must have inhaled at least three snootfuls of cloud. The couple behind them shouted an obscenity, dropped a tip on the table, and flew off. Rarity took the opportunity to scrape her tongue against her upper teeth and swallow the last of her juice, to get the taste of the word out of her mouth.

"What? You can't be serious!"

"I am dreadfully serious." Rarity readjusted herself on the stool, to look more prim. "Rainbow, it so happens that I've had opportunity to speak with Spitfire about these... incidents, and I have come to the conclusion that you two need to work out the sexual frustrations which so obviously exist between you. Obvious to everyone but you and Spitfire, that is."

Rainbow's mouth was beginning to attract flies. Rarity smiled and continued.

"Soarin', for instance, only ever crosses you because he is defending Spitfire. They are very close friends, you understand, so it's a perfectly natural reaction. But the gist of it all is, if you can open up these wounds with the alpha female -- an alpha female, I should add, whose position you are distinctly threatening, being an alpha yourself -- and divest yourselves of all the baggage, why, I daresay the Wonderbolts will become a well-oiled machine both on and off the concourse!"

Rarity's smile took on a polished edge of mania. Rainbow's upper lip twitched, first on the left and then on the right.

"Rarity."

"Yes?"

"Just told me."

"I did."

"To have sex with Spitfire."

"The very same."

"Rarity said this."

"We have been over this already."

"My friend Rarity."

"That is I!" Rarity surreptitiously kicked Rainbow in the shin, which seemed to snap her out of her torpor. "Honestly, Rainbow Dash, just try suggesting it. What's the worst that could happen?"

"No fucking way!"

Had the wall of the lunchroom not been made of cloud, the hoofstool that struck it would have splintered into quite a lot of flying shrapnel, possibly damaging some of the room's occupants. As it was, it simply stuck two-thirds of the way into the cloud, enough to deform the outer wall of the Wonderbolts' training compound.

"I will not... have anything to do... with that bitchy little upstart... you fucking insane horn-head!" Spitfire could barely get two curses out edgewise without having to stop to catch her breath. Or throw another piece of furniture.

"Please, try to understand," Rarity wheedled, dodging a tennis racket, "I'm only suggesting this out of concern for you and your team. It would be like letting the air out of an over-inflated balloon."

"Or letting the pressure off a steam cooker!" Soarin' added, narrowly avoiding the dumbbell aimed at his head.

"You and food," Spitfire growled. "Celestia damn it all to Tartarus, Rarity, you are fucking sick in the head, and that's all I'm going to say!"

The hole in the wall informed them that Spitfire had exited the room at top speed. A small trail of fire in the air helpfully pointed out the precise path that she had taken. Rarity and Soarin' looked at one another and shrugged.

"Well, that went over like a lead pegasus," he said. "What are you gonna do now?"

Rarity's eyes narrowed. Her mouth scrunched over to the left side of her face. Soarin' took a step back. He had known her just long enough to fear that expression.

"I'm going to get mean," she said.

Over the next three days, the Wonderbolts' training compound was besieged by numerous strange and inexplicable happenstances.

Rainbow Dash and Spitfire mysteriously had their towels switched.

Chocolate, figs, and other aphrodisiacs curiously showed up on the menu for all three meals.

Copies of Playmare, Playcolt, Cosmoponitan and Hoofers showed up under the beds of every team member. Some were even clean.

Voices of the best opera singers in Equestria could be heard singing in strange languages about love and romance at all hours.

"I know what you're doing," Spitfire growled to Soarin' as they passed each other in the hall.

"I dunno what you mean, Spits!" His sincerity was undercut by a nervous laugh.

"If you think that fucking her will--"

"Oh, gosh, look at the time!" Soarin' pointed to his empty pastern. "Half past sex! I mean six! I mean five!" He zipped off down the hall, sweating profusely.

Things came to a head at the next team meeting, in preparation for a show at the annual Fillydelphia Air Festival.

Spitfire stalked into the meeting room, its two dozen seats occupied by the dozen members of the team and Rarity, scowled the projector into place, growled at the film until it began, and sulked through the countdown as the shaky celluloid fought a losing battle to keep its video and audio from synching up.

"Safe sex and you!" declared the cheerful announcer. "An educational film from Canterlot--"

The explosion was either the sound of the projector being crushed beneath Spitfire's hoof, or of her blowing her top. Nopony could really be sure.

"Uh," mumbled Rapid Fire, tentatively raising his hoof, "what was that all about?"

Spitfire pointed at Rarity. "You! I am gonna kick your flank so hard, your grandchildren will feel it!"

Instantly, the room was in chaos. The team members who hadn't been in on the plot -- Rapid Fire would later admit he appreciated the magazines, but preferred colts -- sprang into the air, trying to figure out what was going on. Spitfire charged forward, being held back by both Rainbow Dash and Soarin', while Rarity sat comfortably in her cloud chair, beaming radiantly forward as though nothing out of the ordinary were happening.

"You are a jerk for helping her all this time, Soarin'!" Spitfire yelled, struggling against her teammates. The other Wonderbolts, panicking, promptly took sides, but as they had no idea what they were siding for or against, there ended up being at least four separate sides in the room, and chaos reigned once more.

"I'm with Spitfire, Soarin's a flankhole!"

"I'm with Soarin', don't attack Rarity!"

"I'm with Rarity, she made me the best scarf!"

"I think I'm with Fleet Foot, but I'm not sure where she went!"

"Just calm down, Spits!" Soarin' grunted, managing to get the upper hoof on Spitfire and pin her to the ground. "You got the hint, I take it?"

"Yes!"

"Then do something about it already!"

Rarity cleared her throat. Despite how tiny the noise seemed in the infinite madness of questions, shouts and accusations that filled the room, it had the effect of immediately drawing everypony's attention and getting them to calm the fuck down.

"Captain Spitfire, with all due respect, the problem is thus: you and Rainbow Dash have... issues, shall we say, which are preventing your team from acting in harmony."

Spitfire snorted. "So what? We always squabble, even before she came on board."

"I understand this. However, the issue goes far beyond simple arguments or friendly jibes." Rarity stood and held up her hoof. "Dear Wonderbolts, if you'll humor your designer for a moment, how many of you think that Rainbow Dash and Spitfire should take effort to smooth over their sexual tensions?"

Every hoof not belonging to Spitfire or Rainbow Dash went up.

"Well then," Rarity said, and finished her sentence with a smile.

"I hate you all," Spitfire said, her voice tiny.

Somepony bumped Rainbow Dash from behind, and she lurched forward, lips pressing to Spitfire's. A whistle and then a cheer went up in the room as the impromptu kiss quickly became intense face-sucking. After a solid minute, they separated, gasping for breath, beads of saliva hanging between them.

"My room or yours?" Rainbow panted.

"Mine."

They were off in two flashes.

Rarity smirked to Soarin' as the other Wonderbolts whooped and then began placing bets while following the rainbow-and-fire streaks to listen in on the happenings. After the room was empty, Rarity sat back down, stretched, and took a deep breath.

"Another successful matchmaking event from yours truly," Rarity said, and closed her eyes. She felt a hoof on her shoulder.

"So, uh, Rarity," Soarin' said slowly, "I been wondering, uh..."

Rarity's left eye creaked open. "Yes, Soarin'?"

"Well, let's, uh..." Soarin' cleared his throat. "What with all this sex talk going around the place lately, I, uh, I kind of..."

Rarity blinked in surprise. "With me?"

Soarin' could only nod.

She sniffed haughtily. "My dear Soarin', I am not some cheap floozy who will 'put out', as they say, to any handsome face which comes knocking."

"I'll buy ya dinner after. I know this great place down on--"

He was stopped by Rarity pressing her mouth to his. She held on for somewhat shorter a time than what had happened just moments ago, but Soarin' was no less shocked or turned on for the brevity.

"We have some sexual tensions of our own to work out," she murmured, and grinned at him.

"My room or yours?"

"Mine."